14 August 2016

? The End for Bear ?

If he makes it through, this I think he will have used yet another life.  Late Saturday night Bear kept going to the bathroom.  He was straining so hard that he started to pass blood.  He finally got everything out, settled down for a while, only to start all over again.  He was passing a little urine and a little blood.  I figured he got himself worked up and that Sunday would be back to normal.  If only that were true.  The fur monster kept me up most of the night.  When I did manage to fall asleep I had dreams about putting him down.  It was horrible.  Finally at 5am I gave up and got out of bed.  To make matters worse Gator puked all over the bed, not once but twice.  Way to go girl, make more work for daddy. 

Bear is scared, I can read him like a book.  He does the nervous purr thing.  He slept in my room, wanted me to give him attention … it’s all out of the ordinary behavior.  I started him on pain medicine and an antibiotic a few hours after this all started.  I knew we were in trouble again.  Well he got into the dry food for sure on Friday night, I came home and he was just crunching away.  I told him not to eat too much of it, but that is like telling a kid he can only have 1 piece of candy.  He loves to get his crunch on.  Funny thing is since I took away his dry treats he hasn’t had any problems whatsoever.  I am convinced now more than ever that dry food is poison for him.  So much so that I am moving the dry food to the basement, that is the one place he doesn’t go in the house.  He won’t like it but my goal is to keep him alive and well for as long as God allows me to have him. 

This is trying my patience, stressing me out and making me want to cry.  I keep thinking about parting ways, as if it’s coming.  Each day brings us all a day closer to death but in Bear’s case I believe he is much closer than I.  Problem is I look at him see that face light up, hear that purr (even though it’s a nervous purr) and see how he acts.  He’s got a lot of life left in him, too bad his body seems to be fighting with him.  Seeing what I see and I am biased but I just can’t part ways with him, no matter how much I try to prepare myself.  Is this because the time isn’t right?  Is this because I am too selfish?  IF and only IF I have to make the call to end his life, it will be the second most difficult thing that I have done in my lifetime.  I don’t make those decisions lightly and if there is medical evidence to support that there isn’t going to be a good outcome, that makes it’s easier.  I really don’t feel that I have a right to play God with his life or for that matter the lives of any of the other cats.

I made this mistake of trying to give him a bath without putting on my usual jacket.  He clawed the shit out of me, started flaying around like a fish out of water, it was a true mess.  Thankfully I had just finished rinsing him.  I like to rinse at least two times just to make sure all of the soap is gone.  He didn’t give me that chance and his safety as well as mine was much more important to me that if he still had soap in him.  I grabbed a towel, started to dry him off in the hopes he would calm down but that didn’t work.  I had to pick him up and we went to the floor, then he was able to start to relax.  I finished drying him off and then I broke out some food for him to eat, that helped to calm him down.  He still managed to pee blood right where he was at, no moving to a pad.  It’s okay I know he doesn’t feel good.  The carpet is trash but I can’t do anything with it for two reasons.  One because I still have cats.  Two because I don’t have the money to replace it.  So I cleaned that up with a little peroxide and the blood came right out.  I gave him more food and he lapped it up.  Then he retreated to his bed that is his litter box, to go some more.  I sat down next to him and I no sooner was in place and he got up and ran under the couch.  That right there is a tell tale sign, he doesn’t feel well – as if I didn’t know that already. 

So what’s the plan, where do we go from here?  Very good question.  He is eating everything I put down.  Not big into water but he never was, he drinks it once and a while.  Appetite is a plus, the more he eats the more liquid he gets and thereby will hopefully flush this out.  I stopped by the vet and got more of the antibiotic.  He will stay on those, pain medicine and I have to get some muscle relaxers to help aid with the straining.  Plus his regular medicine.  So long as he keeps on this track I think in my best opinion that this too shall pass and he will bounce back.  However, I am not a doctor of people or animals.  A computer, well maybe.  So I sent an email to the vet that he sees.  I explained the situation and asked if I was doing the right thing or if I had my blinders on and maybe it was time to let go or perhaps pursue a different treatment option.  Most likely I won’t hear from her until tomorrow, which is a tad bit stressful but if he gets worse we can always go over.  My apprehension on going over is that I know I will come out of there alive but I don’t know that he will.  I can’t afford to keep charging his expensive hospital stays, it’s not fair to me to put myself further and further into debt, especially when the benefit is short lived.  It’s like pouring money into an old car, before you know it you spent so much that you could have bought a new one but now your stuck with the old one because your broke.  I can’t get a new Bear, he is unique but I have to stand firm from a financial point of view.  The available credit is there but if I use it I will be committing myself to something that I simply can not afford.  If I happen to win the lottery well then money won’t be the object in the way.

I don’t want this to turn into a situation where I find him dead, that will crush me almost as bad as if I made the decision myself.  I want to be fair to him at the same time being fair to myself.  I am all I have and if I fall there will be no one to pick me up, so that factors into most every decision I make when it involves finances. 

I did my research and we have been down this road before, he is not blocked.  Based on his symptoms from what I have read I am treating him appropriately.  If he were bleeding internally from some other sort of injury he would most likely have gotten far worse by now.  Sometimes you have to have faith that things will work out.  It’s difficult to go through this but as long as he is fighting this I will too as best as I can.


My other problems this weekend are ….

I upgraded all of my computers to the Anniversary Edition of Windows 10.  It was a forced update on one of my laptops.  Microsoft just tweaked somethings, I am sure there is more to this than I have taken time to find out, but from what I see I really like it. However, my lojack for laptops is not working.  The service never starts, I have removed, rebooted and reinstalled.  Still the same behavior.  I tried to do different things like paste a copy of the exe in the startup group and adjust the program to run in compatibility mode but those efforts have failed.  I opened a support ticket and am waiting for lojack to get back with me.  I am really interested in how they fix this or for that matter if they can.  I mean I can manually start the service and manually launch the program but if my laptop is stolen do you think a thief would do all of that?  Exactly so it should work like it’s supposed to and if they can’t fix it then I either roll back or ask for a refund.  Considering the machines I am worried about are encrypted with Bit Locker and require manual input of a key in order to start I think I would ask for the refund. 

My toilet is my other problem.  The flapper seems to be losing it’s seal and the toilet runs periodically.  Within the last 6months to year I purchased a replacement flapper to solve this problem but unfortunately it’s back again.  There is a dial to make adjustments either increase the depth of the seal or decrease the depth.  It was at max so I dialed it down – that didn’t work.  I took it apart to see if there was something stuck, couldn’t find anything so I put it back in place.  Problem is still there.  Looks like I get to make a trip to the hardware store in a moment to get a replacement.  Not what I wanted to do but then again it beats replacing a toilet.  I only hope that a new seal will fix this annoying problem and that it doesn’t reoccur again for several years.  Cheap to fix but very frustrating. 

Being lonely is my other issue with everything with Bear going on, I really would love to have someone here with me, it would be an extra set of eyes and another opinion.  Both Bear and I are very scared and while I can hold him, he can’t hold me.  I can tell him everything is going to be okay, even though I don’t know that for sure.  I keep telling him that I love him as much as I possibly can and that I want him to pull through.  I am often telling him to never forget that I love him, even after he no longer exists I will continue to love him until the day I die, that goes for all of my cats not just him.  In a perfect world we would have all gone out together so no one or nothing was left to suffer.  That apparently isn’t the plan God has in store.  I can’t express how tired I am of fighting, there is a lot going on in my life besides Bear and I really don’t need any of this.  I want to go on vacation and never come back, will that happen?  Of course not I am broke. 

Well on with the trip to the hardware store, need to come home an terrorize the children with the vacuum by cleaning the house, then it will be time to shave, shower and get dinner for all of us ready.  A couple hours putting around on the computer and presto it will be time for bed.  I don’t think I will need a sleeping pill tonight but I am still taking one.  You will only hear me say this once and a very great while but I look so forward to going to work on Monday.  I just hope my Bear is better by then or when I have free time I will worry about him.  Who am I kidding I worry about him all the time anyway, just more so now that he is sick. 

May God help me and you.  Hopefully within hours or days I will have much better news to report.  I certainly hope that your world is nothing like mine.  No one needs that much stress!  Thanks for listening, the few friends I have are unavailable so you got to hear my troubles.  Doesn’t help that it’s an overcast rainy day or that I tried to take a nap only and just as I was about to fade away, one of the cats spoke up and that started the choir, no rest for me or for the wicked.  Wonder what I did to deserve all of this, I would like to undo it if that is possible.  Have a great week everyone.  

1 comment:

Jude said...

Fingers crossed Bear will be okay!