21 Years ago today

A lot has changed in 21 years.  Momma had her kittens on this hot June day 21 years ago today in the very basement I am in typing this.  It was a glorious day and I experienced a peace like nothing I have experienced since that day.  That day all was calm and right in the world, or so it felt that way. 

I sure do still miss Momma and all of her kids as well as our two strays we took in.  They were my world, my family and I’m very proud to say that.  I changed the course of everyone’s life that day – mine, my late spouses as well as Momma and her kittens. 

Happy heavenly birthday, I hope your all together having fun. 

On a different note, welcome in and thanks for dropping by.  It’s super hot and humid here.  The sun is out and so are the guys.  I saw a bunch of shirtless guys this morning, running.  I very easily could have had a wreck as I was looking at them. 

Made it to my friends shop, chatted a bit.  Scheduled a service appointment for my vehicle in a couple weeks.  I know that I am a bit early on my oil change but for the price they charge me, it’s smart to change the oil often.  Having the tires rotated and balanced as well.  I should be able to parlay that into a free lunch with my friend.  Again, something to look forward to. 

The heat was getting to me so I scooted out of there.  I had plans to stop for the mail and cat food but instead opted to come home and see the cats.  I needed to use the bathroom and wanted to grab a cold soda.  That turned into me getting nearly naked and watching TV.  I managed to fall asleep and felt better once I woke up.  Passed out lunch for the cats and then came back and watched more TV to pass time. 

Early afternoon I got dressed and headed out.  I went back to the country, the place I was the other day.  Damn I struck gold when it came to timing.  I got charged the lunch buffet price but I was there long enough they were changing over to dinner.  I ate very, very good.  The best meal I have had in a long time.  Sloppy Joes, Catfish, Fried Chicken, BBQ Pork, Mashed Potatoes and corn.  I was stuffed but figured since I had gone that far I made a trip back for some Peach Cobbler.  It was so so, could have been better but the main meal it was on the money.  This place is around 60 miles from home and it feels like I will never ever get there but eventually I arrive.  Chatted with the waitress a bit and found out that Sunday is actually the pick day they have more comfort food that day.  However, every day it’s a good spread.  I did look at a menu and they have a few items that look appealing but I can’t not order the buffet. 

When I walked in there was a couple sitting in the spot I normally get.  I kind of felt like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory and wanted to say your in my spot.  The guy was super hot but he was all tatted up and that is kind of a turn off for me, still I got a good look at him and took it all in for what it was worth. 

Tomorrow is gonna hurt when I go to fill the gas tank.  The fuel gauge said that I could go 90 miles before I needed gas.  It’s been lower before but not that often.  I’m super anal about my fuel level and it was a little uncomfortable to make the trip but I knew for sure I wasn’t going to run out of gas.  Plus there is a fail safe when your down to I think it is 25 or 50 miles left a low fuel light and alarm comes on.  I’ve only seen that once in the 8 years I have owned this vehicle. 

Still never made it for cat food or the post office, those are tomorrow tasks.  I needed to use the restroom so I just came straight home.  I could go back out but damn it’s so hot out I really don’t want to.  Feels nice here in the basement where it’s 70 degrees.  It’s 91 degrees outside.  Besides that it upsets the cats when I leave.  If they had their way I would never ever leave their sides. 

I’m off to peruse the internet and watch more TV.  Perhaps I can trim some cat claws they sure are sharp.  Take care and stay cool.

Life Changing Day–12 Years Ago Today

Twelve years ago today my life changed forever when I lost the love of my life.  I remember it like it was yesterday and it was truly a nightmare that came to life.  A day that I knew always would happen someday but one that I wasn’t ready for when it did happen.  You prepare mentally for it but when it happens regardless of how much you prepare your just not ready, at least that was my experience. 

My spouse had suffered from a massive stroke and I had to remove life support as meaningful recovery wasn’t possible and it was his worst nightmare to be trapped in a working body.  Oddly enough all of his nightmares and fears were like predictions because sadly they all came true. 

Today it feels like just another day but in years past it has been quite the sensitive day for me.  I still miss him and that I am told will be a life long feeling that just never goes away.  It is true with time memories fade and you don’t recall things as crystal clear as you once did.  I’m glad that I wrote a book about our life, despite the original print being riddled with grammatical errors it still memorializes things and I look back at it from time to time.  I’ve fixed the grammatical errors and thoughts about a second publishing but never quite got around to it.  The book was available for purchase for a very short time but it never sold and honestly I didn’t think it would. 

A lot has changed since that day and I am still confident to say that he would be proud of me for making it.  I never thought I would survive and things would turn out nearly as well as they have.  It was a rough battle and a costly one both emotionally and financially.  Yet, here I am.  A lesson that I learned is that you never know what you will do until your back is pinned against the wall and you have no way out.  Your capable of doing more than you think!  I also learned that there is nothing like a crisis to show you who your true friends really are.  Most of the people that we thought of as friends have faded away, they all offered to call on them for help but when called upon they failed me.  The only true person you can count on in this world is yourself, but it sure does help to have some true friends. 

I am not a fan of the month of April ever since this day unfolded twelve years ago, it’s the one month that I wish I could skip.  However, no such luck.  I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my late spouse would want me to move on and to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s not that I haven’t tried but just haven’t found that person yet.  I am still looking not as much as I could but my eyes are open.  While I don’t think I will be successful with this quest I haven’t given up hope.  Time is my enemy here because you never know when it’s your expiration date.  In some respects it would be handy to know but in other respects it’s better that it remains a mystery. 

Looking at my family history my grandfather lived into his 70’s and my grandmother and mom lived into their early 60’s.  Others from both my grandfathers and grandmothers side of the family have lived longer.  This is my mom’s parents.  I’ve got no idea about my dad’s side of the family since he disowned us.  To my knowledge he’s still alive.  My best guess and that’s truly what it is, is that I will probably be around into my 60’s or 70’s.  Hell I might live to be 90.  I just hope that I am in a position to either take care of myself or be surrounded by people who will take care of me and not to be stuck in a nursing home – those places suck and are hell on earth.  That’s just my opinion. 

I say it often and I mean it more than anyone knows.  I really do miss my family.  That’s my late spouse and all of our cats.  I miss the life I had which at the time in looking back was happiness.  We did some traveling, ate really good, enjoyed each others company, went to concerts, sporting events and some dinner parties.  Had some great sex and got each other through some difficult & trying times. 

We met when I was still very much a kid, despite being 18.  We were together for about 25 years and while it seems like a lifetime it’s only been half of my life.  He finished raising me and teaching me what I call street smarts.  Hell I didn’t even have a drivers license when we met and he taught me to drive, something I was deathly afraid of.  I think of that often when I am behind the wheel, that if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depending on public transportation or taking some ride share.  It’s great to be able to get in a vehicle and just drive to where ever, when ever you want. 

I’m not quite sure how to wrap up this post as I could go on and on.  I am so thankful that we met and for all of the experiences (both good & bad).  I hope that I can find someone who loves me half as much as I loved this man.  I hope that he is resting in peace.  He’s always on my mind and the memories live on within me.  It’s a difficult day but I’ll make it through just as I have for the past twelve years.  One day at a time!

Birthday of not happy

Hello and welcome, thanks for stopping by!

Today is my late spouses birthday.  If he were alive he would be old today.  In some ways I am thankful that there are issues that I didn’t have to deal with but at the same time I feel like I was cheated out of time with him.  He’s only been gone for 10 years and a lot can and did happen in those 10 years.  Regardless, I know that he would be proud of the progress I have made.  He would be saddened and heart broken (as am I) to know that all of our original cats have passed.  I’m glad that he didn’t have to see any of them go but at the same time I wish he was with me when they did because it would have been a little bit more comforting.  I remember that last major birthday that we celebrated together.  I made a video wishing him a happy birthday, back with my first web cam and I also recorded his reaction to the edible arrangement that I got for him, it was over the top and he unwrapped it and the two of us sat at the kitchen table for 30 minutes to an hour just eating fruit.  Damn it was good but it was expensive. I’m glad that I did it and spent the money.  The memories truly are priceless!

It’s a bitter sweet day for me.  However, I am glad that I am the survivor because there is no way in the world that I believe he would have been able to continue with life without me.  Lord knows what would have happened to the cats, I know he loved them but I just picture him physically and mentally shutting down.  It’s something I will never know how it would have turned out.  However, I wish that we (including the cats) could have all gone together so that there would be no sorrow or suffering by any of us.  I am certain the cats missed him and to this very day I still miss him. 

It does get easier with time to deal with but it’s still difficult.  A couple weeks ago I had a sleep paralysis dream, that he died and I was all alone.  When I finally was able to break free and wake up, it was like waking up just days after he passed.  It was all suddenly fresh again and I really was alone.  Talk about your sobering reminders.  That really sucked.  It’s still kind of fresh today. 

My belief is that were all here to serve a purpose or a mission, when that is fulfilled then we die.  His purpose or mission is clear to me.  However, mine is not and I still wonder why in the world I am still here.  I’m not exactly bubbling with joy, no far from it.  I am miserable but just try to make the best of it.  Putting on a brave face and just sticking one foot in front of the other.  Going to bed more often than not hoping that I don’t wake up.  I don’t have high hopes for finding another companion much less having sex.  I think however long I am here it’s just going to continue to suck until one day I am no more.

Not exactly an upbeat post but it’s how I feel.  I don’t know if there is enough drugs or therapy in the world to turn things around for me.  Meeting the right person could and would turn things around, short of that unless I happen to stumble into winning the lottery I’m fucked and not in a good way.  Just feeling a bit more alone today than normal. 

Thinking of taking a trip to the buffet or at the very least a decent long drive just to get out of the area but not until tomorrow.  The most difficult part of that will be actually getting out of the house and moving forward with the idea.  I know it will help me even if it’s supposed to rain all day. 

I do hope that the outlook from your neck of the woods on life is 100% better than mine.  Depression and loneliness isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.  Have a great weekend.  Thanks for reading my no so uplifting words today.  Your visit is very much appreciated.  

Fluster Cuck

Good Afternoon

Happy Monday, if there is such a thing.  The day I dreaded is here.  I’ve played catch up all day long, got a little bit of work done but mostly sorting through emails.  465 to be exact.  A good portion was junk but there were about 200 emails that required some form of attention from me. 

Things didn’t go completely to hell while I was out but there were a few things that fell apart. 

I also spent part of my day ramping up for the project tomorrow.  I’ve interacted with the vendor multiple times today.  I do not have a comfort feel for this at all, especially after a call I got early this morning.  I am glad that I will be there in person so that I can clarify with the folks doing the work as to what needs to happen.  So long as we have an understanding then I think that this will be okay.  I won’t fully exhale until they are done and everything has been tested.  I don’t see how it will take them 4 long ass days, I think this is a 2 day project at best.  I think the other 2 days were insurance in case something goes wrong to allow them time to fix it.  I will have all of my answers soon enough and we will see if this is going to be a complete disaster or a shining success. 

I started the new medicine this morning.  Had a moderate sugar level at lunch time.  Been to the bathroom twice thus far.  I thought it would be much worse.  Thus far not the case the day isn’t over yet.  I think the objective is take the pill in the morning so you don’t have to get up during the night to use the bathroom.  I’m good with that.  I hope this pill does it’s thing and keeps my sugar levels in check. 

Mora & Rudy seem to be adjusting with me switching back to work mode.  Rudy was ready to get up at 6a.  I had a bad dream and wound up laying in bed awake and once we got close enough to 7a I just threw in the towel and got up. 

Managed to do some porn surfing when things calmed down a bit.  I was not in the mood last night for porn or much of anything other than sleeping.  My sleeping medicine kicked in pretty fast.  Perhaps tonight will be different or so I hope. 

Today is my vehicles birthday, officially 6 years old.  Bought it on this day 6 long years ago.  Life was sure different then.  No pandemic, I believe I still had the 3 cats (Gator, Marv & Momma).  Doing the same job but I think in a junior level position and I was making far less.  I didn’t know how I would make the payments but magically it’s all come together.  It’s about paid off.  I had the option to skip payments and tempting as that was I never did that.  It just prolongs the loan, adds interest and you have to pay a fee for skipping.  I could easily pay the balance off today but I’m not paying much in interest and since I have come this far I am just letting it trickle out until the bitter end.  I figure that as long as I am making payments that will keep Murphy away or so I hope.  I do look forward to saving that money in a couple more months when it’s paid for. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t post about 9/11.  I remember being home with my late spouse, he had just had surgery.  We still had pagers and a news alert came in that set off both of our pagers.  We were both sleeping.  He thought it was me playing a joke but I joined him in bed and we flipped on the TV to watch in horror at what was unfolding.  He had a follow up appointment later that afternoon with the surgeon and we were both nervous about leaving the house but he made his appointment.  I took it all in and probably a bit too much but I watched every news program that I could.  That day touched us all regardless if we were in NYC or not.  It changed the world and altered many lives, not to mention taking many lives way too soon.  I feel nothing but sorrow for those that lost a loved one on that day.  This is something I will never forget, where I was as this unfolded. 

I wanted to work this post in before I head up for the day.  I have no idea if I will be able to post tomorrow or not.  I still have a mountain of work to work through plus the project.  I am beat already and that’s just getting up at normal time.  Add getting up an hour early, travel to and from work and there is no doubt in my mind I won’t need a sleeping pill I will be wiped out.  Take care and I will talk with you all again soon. Be well. 

10 years ago, today – my life changed forever

via GIPHY

This is a post I have been dreading to write just because of all of the memories associated with this day. Today marks the 10-year anniversary of my late spouse’s death. It seemed fitting to take a couple days off from work, to pause and reflect.  While I don’t want to re-do the day I wish now that I would have done one thing different and that is not leave him alone to die. A nurse that I befriended in the Neuro ICU where he was, used her own time and took care of him, she promised me that he wouldn’t die alone because she would be there with him. I remember saying my goodbyes and talking with that nurse. She had a fist full of syringes all kinds of drugs for my guy. I can say that medically everything was done to make him comfortable. The estimate I got was that once they removed life support, he would pass in about an hour. Of course, he hung on for a couple hours. Just because he was a fighter.

As a recap he had a massive stroke, this was his second one. He was confused and stopped taking his blood thinner because he thought he was out. Sadly, he had a 6-month supply. I learned he had a-fib which I never knew until this whole event unfolded. Mere days before this he was nesting, finally organizing his office like I had asked him to do for years. He even tried a bit in his bedroom. Easter was two days prior to his death and we were invited out but I asked him to decline because I just wanted to have a quiet weekend. We went out and then came home. Our thanksgiving friend got an intuition that he needed to bring us food so he did so. That was the last time he saw him lucid and was able to carry on a conversation with him.

There were so many signs that I saw after the fact that should have set off alarms for me but they did not register. I feel guilty about that but I’ve been told it happened for a reason and I wasn’t supposed to know. One perfect example is that he stubbed his toe, he was forever injuring his feet and because he was on a blood thinner, he bled quickly. This time there was a little blood but I put a band-aid on it and that was the end. Normally it was several band-aids and we would have to elevate his foot. His blood was so thick at the hospital they compared it to molasses. I kept wondering how in the world he could have had a 2^nd stroke being on a blood thinner.

Time has a way of distorting things and I can see why people have problems recalling some events. However, I remember his scream in the middle of the night. I remember calling 9-1-1. I remember the trip to the ER and then the helicopter coming and flying him in the early morning hours to a major hospital that has a stroke center. It was about an hour away but I drove the speed limit and made it in about 30 minutes. The helicopter should have made it in 15 but they arrived after me, I don’t know how that is possible but I remember the call from the nurse saying they just landed. The worst part was having a hallway conversation with 2 doctors that basically told me there was no hope and no chance of a meaningful recovery. You’d think it would be like it is on TV where they pull you into one of those small rooms. That happened with future conversations but not the most important one. I was standing up and thought I was going to pass out. I remember having to sit down and thinking this isn’t real it’s a nightmare and I am going to wake up. However, I knew deep in my heart that was not the case and sadly it was in fact real life. My worst fear was coming true right before my very eyes, today.

He went into this talking with slurred speech but he could move everything but had problems unlocking his iPhone that I had just got him. When we got to the 1^st hospital he tried to talk to me and I had to ask him to try again 3 times because not only could I not understand him but I kept getting interrupted by doctors and nurses with lots of questions. After the third time he went unconscious and stopped talking, that was our last conversation. I can’t help but think how scared he must have been and how worried he was. I think he was trying to tell me that he loved me but honestly, I will never know what he was trying to say.

All of the things that had mattered suddenly had no meaning. I didn’t care who knew if I was gay and who didn’t. I had to come out at work to justify my time off and it was a couple of weeks before I went back. My reason for being was dying and not a damn thing mattered to me. I didn’t give a fuck about anything. I wanted him to get better and make progress. He was a fighter. After his 1^st stroke, he was told that he wouldn’t walk again and he proved them wrong. It was a long road to haul but he went the distance and put in the work. I remember when he walked back into the hospital to the nurses’ desk on the floor where he was a patient and dropped off roses for all of the nurses. They were all gasping that he was walking. He not only wanted to thank them but to show them that he was better. Sadly, that wasn’t going to happen this time. If he was going to survive he would have been locked-in meaning he wouldn’t have been able to move his extremities and that was one of his greatest fears being trapped in a nonfunctioning body.

He’s the only person that I know of that had fears that all managed to be horrible and come true. He talked about not ever wanting to have a colostomy but he had one. He talked about not wanting to be trapped in a non-working body. It’s like he was prophetic but in a bad way. If you ever did him wrong inevitably something bad would happen to you. He didn’t hold ill will but it’s like God took really good care of him for a long time.

The first year after his passing went by the fastest and before I knew it 5 years had gone by. Now another 5. It’s a day that I will never forget. I remember I was with my Thanksgiving friends eating at a local restaurant and they tried to shift the focus and lighten the mood. However, the phone call that I knew would come did and that cemented it all.

We always figured that he would go first just because he was older and honestly there was much more health wise wrong with him than me. I’m glad we got married but sad that it only lasted 3 months. That piece of paper would make all of the difference in the world when I went to close out his life and claim benefits that were mine. I had to fight for most everything but I got it all. I didn’t think the paperwork or the fight would ever end.

He left me with plenty some of which I wanted like the house and the cats and other things that I didn’t want like the mortgage and his bankruptcy. However, I’ve dealt with it all and put everyone else before me. The house is in my name, the bankruptcy was discharged and the cats have all sadly passed. That’s why Gator’s passing affected me she was the last tie to the life I used to have and she was the last living tie to my late spouse. I still miss all of them dearly.

Today I reflect on my late spouses memory the good times we had, the trips we took, the cats we had, moving in together, getting married, how we met, lots of good sex and lots of good food. I miss so many things about him and I really miss his cooking. He had a couple stock meals that were really good. I miss the fights we used to have about what to have for supper or where to go for supper. Friday nights were always our eat out night, kind of a way to relax and unwind from the week. We would go all over the place.

I think about jumping into the dating world now that he’s gone and I’ve tried multiple times. I have gone on a few first dates but never yet had a second date. It feels very odd considering that I was never ever in the dating game, ever. We met when I was 18 and were together ever since. To think that I was 41 when he passed it feels like forever ago and I feel like I have aged so much. Lots of stress and drama. Not to mention that it feels like my right arm was cut off. When I lost him, I lost the foundation of my world. I found out that most people really weren’t my friend. They were there because they wanted something and now that I couldn’t be of service they didn’t want to bother. Part of his distant family in another state turned their back when they in fact told me after I came out to them that it didn’t matter, they knew all along. Well getting that confirmation seemed to change things but I was still the same person I always was just without my better half.

I wish he was here for me to hug and so he could hug me back. I’ve got no doubts if he is looking down on me that he is unbelievably proud of me with all of the progress I have made. I know that he wouldn’t be happy that I was all alone. He’s the one who told me that there is nothing more lonely and sad than a gay man by himself. I never quite understood but I do now. Lots of things made sense once he left.

There has been a lingering question in my mind if he might have arranged for his passing. However, I have never ever found any evidence to support that. Everyone that knew him was shocked by his sudden and untimely death. Knowing what I would inherit and the issues that would come with all of it, I do not believe that he left willingly. This was sadly the result of old age and confusion. He always told me that if he died it wouldn’t be willingly and that he had plans to live to be 110 but sadly he was not even close to that age.

No one but me remembers the exact date of his passing, not even our Thanksgiving friends. They remember that we were together and some of the details but they are pretty foggy. It still angers me to this day that his own son who fucked him over more than once and stole so much money, time and dashed his hopes and dreams couldn’t be bothered to come say goodbye to his own father. I held off removing life support to give him the chance, he was the only obstacle in the way but instead he sent me a text message telling me to say goodbye for him that he wouldn’t be able to make it. Fuck dude this is your father. The man who raised you. I get that you were adopted but he knew you from when you were so very young and he raised you. He made years of memories with you and this is how you treat him in the end. That just confirmed what I knew all along. He didn’t really love his dad. He just used him. He came by the day after and asked me if he suffered and if I needed anything. I told him that his dad was the only person who really knew for sure if he suffered. However, the doctors told me that he did not.

Another slight regret that I have is that I didn’t have a funeral for him. He was cremated and his cremains sit in my room with a teddy bear he gave me one year for valentines day on top of his urn. We had a memorial dinner and lots of people came. One guy had the idea for everyone to stop and stand up say who they were and how they met him. It was a couple months after he passed and it was at one of his favorite restaurants. He knew a lot of people and touched many lives. However, since we were gay almost every aspect of life was different. He didn’t want people to know. They could think it, smell it, feel it but he didn’t want to open his mouth or for me to open my mouth and officially confirm it. Sadly, in the end I did that. The fear factor was over and honestly I didn’t expect to live but a couple more years if that. Here we are 10 years later and I am still going. How? Why?

Now that I have new cats I feel like I can’t die because once again no one will care for them as good as I can. Plus, I’m their 3^rd owner and it just doesn’t seem fair to them for me to be selfish and check out. That’s why I didn’t want them. I was finally free and I could do what I wanted to do. How I managed to not take my own life after Gator left still amazes me. I am so lonely and the thought of getting to know someone else, letting them in and perhaps building a life together only for one of us to die seems like a merry go round that I don’t want to get on.

I wish that I could do casual sex but I can’t due to morals and the fact that I really don’t want to catch anything. I know that if I slept with a guy I would develop feelings for him, it’s natural and that’s why I am all about getting to know someone long before we go jump in bed. I don’t feel like I am cheating but I am sure that when the time comes (presuming that it does) I will probably have some guilt.

We were not wealthy, didn’t live any place fancy and didn’t own anything extravagant. However, we were wealthy in love with each other. We had what most everyone in this world wants a successful relationship/marriage and years upon years of memories. Not a whole lot of photos and we were each up to our eye balls in debt. We got through many obstacles in life. It was a time when I was truly happy but was too dumb to realize it and I took the situation for granted. In the beginning the joy and the spark was evident. It died down with time but we could still finish each other sentences and that’s not something that every couple can do. I know I will never ever find a man who is the exact same but I hope that I come close.

As sad as this day is, I want to be happy again. Sure take time to pause and reflect on what was but here’s to what is yet to come and I hope it’s only goodness ahead. I’ve been through 10 years of hell and while it’s wrong to feel this way I think the world owes me a good time. I know that’s not the case, just like everything else in this world if you want it you have to go after it and you have to make it happen.

I hope my guy is resting in peace, that our cats are with him and that he is super proud of me. I want to be with him again someday and I know that each day brings me closer to that. I’ve wasted so much time but part of healing is moving on. It is not forgetting. I’ve made great strides but I need to bring it home and find a guy to start making new memories with. Time to stop living life on pause and press play. Here’s hoping that happens really soon.

While I know he won’t read this I still have to say… Rest in peace my sweetheart. I love you and I miss you beyond what I can put into words. I will never ever forget you and you will always be alive in my heart so long as it’s beating.

 

End of year thoughts

2020 was supposed to be the year that my life turned around. I really honestly felt that I would find love and that something really good would happen to me. Little did I, let alone any of us know that a pandemic would hit this year.

The worst thing that happened in my life this year was the loss of 2 of my cats. A friend that I never met in person died in the summer not due to COVID. I found out on Christmas Eve that I also lost a co-worker who passed away suddenly, this was not related to COVID. We weren’t close but we talked and she actually provided me some help. Death happens around us all the time but this year it seems to be one of the many things we hear about sadly all too often.

The best things that happened to me this year was being able to work from home and the rise in popularity of my blog. I know that I don’t often post about the greatest of things and that I am not a super star in the blogosphere, but everyone needs someone and I’m glad that our paths have crossed. This is mostly due to me visiting other blogs and leaving comments, the comments spark curiosity and interest and then people make a determination if they like you and want to link to you or if they would rather just move on. I have been fortunate enough to get a few sites to link to me and I am grateful for that. I return the love and I try to keep an eye out for those sites that continue to link to me so that I can continue the love.

I delayed plans to get a new vehicle in light of the pandemic, considering that I am not commuting like I normally do. This caused me to catch a break in that the vehicle that I wanted was a new model and had a recall due to a safety issue. I have plans to upgrade in 2021 but it will likely be later in the year. I hope that it’s financially feasible for me to do so. I know that vehicles are a horrible investment due to rapid depreciation and with the amount of normal driving I do it doesn’t make sense to lease.

With the restrictions in place and working from home, I am reminded more often than I care that I am all alone. I look forward to hopefully being able to make new friends and date when life returns to normal. Not to mention being able to hopefully drop some of this weight and hopefully fit back into my clothes more comfortably, that is if they still fit. I wear jeans and sweatpants but that’s not normal attire for the office.

While none of the dreams/desires I had for 2020 came true and it truly wasn’t my year, I have hope that 2021 will be better, not only for me but for everyone.

Don’t be afraid to leave a comment, I don’t bite and if you’d rather not have your comment posted say so and I will respect your privacy. While the world at large has made great strides with same sex relationships I realize that not everyone is accepting and that some people just feel uncomfortable or may not be out.

Stay safe and enjoy what is left of 2020. Happy New Year! Thanks again for your readership, it means a lot to me.

The Hippie Chick - R I P

I woke up to some very sad news this morning. My Canadian friend passed away. She had cancer and hadn’t begun treatment yet. The diagnosis was just a couple weeks old. She had a fluid build up issue in her lungs. They tapped her once to remove fluid and when her doctors discovered they needed to do it again, they elected to put in a drain to keep the fluid off her lungs. They were able to insert the catheter and then transported her to what I believe was a hospital for observation. They were unable to wake her and her blood pressure was weakening. Her family made the decision to change her over to comfort care and eventually nature took its course and she passed. The hospital staff and doctors made special accommodations to her family allowing them to spend time with her so that they were able to say their goodbyes and so that she didn’t die alone. Dying alone was one of her fears.

We never met in person but if we did, we always said that we would go for pie. We both loved it. The thing that kept us from meeting is distance and expense. I’ve always (and still want to) travel to Canada. I don’t yet have a passport but hopefully I will get around to getting one some day soon.

Oddly enough we made each other’s acquaintance through Blogging. Back in the day she had a blog going and so did I. There was a mutual third parties’ site that we both visited and left comments on. Only to find out that we were both catfished by the person, he wasn’t who he said he was. It was devastating to both of us. She wasn’t nearly as invested as I was. Still that event is what brought us together.

She was there for me when my spouse passed away and for each loss of a cat or friend ever since. She was a great photographer and loved the outdoors, in addition to her husband and her sisters. Family was everything to her and having lost mine I understand. She had lost her first husband but was fortunate enough to find a new man and move on with her life. It wasn’t easy but she did it.

When I heard the cancer diagnosis, I knew that things were not good and that she was probably going to lose her life over it. However, I didn’t think that it would all happen so quickly. She was fortunate enough to be at home to celebrate her wedding anniversary with her husband, even if she did lose her sense of taste.

She was known as The Hippie Chick. She was mellow and didn’t care if you were black, white, gay or straight. If you made a connection with her and were friends, she was there for you no matter what. I know that many people like myself are beside themselves and saddened to learn of her passing. All I want to do is cry.

Have you ever tried to send flowers from the US to Canada? I found it not to be an easy task. I also didn’t want to send flowers but would rather send a gift basket. I finally found a company that was based in Canada and I picked out something I thought was appropriate and that didn’t break the bank. It’s trackable and I had to put an app on my phone to know when it’s delivered. I will make a phone call to her family when I know that it’s been delivered. I am not sure how much if anything we talked about, she shared with her family. I can remember telling my late spouse all about her.

I know that she was suffering and the Cancer zapped her energy. I am glad to know that she is at peace and suffering no more. For it’s us that are left behind that are grieving and missing her. I feel the loss just as if we had met. We talked on the phone on a couple of occasions, sent email and of course did the Facebook thing. I had tried to stop blogging a couple times but she was the reason I kept going. She said that she enjoyed hearing about my day and what I was up to. For that reason, I continued. It’s a great outlet and I find that I can express myself. It would just be nice to know if there was someone out there that truly cared, other than her. Perhaps that is something I will learn or perhaps it’s something I will never know.

I could go on and on here but I honestly don’t know if I have any true regular readers and if I do, I know that no one really likes to read or hear bad news. With that I will say here’s to you Hippie Chick it was a great ride. You will forever be missed by all who knew and loved you. May you rest in peace.

7 years ago today, my life changed

Hi and welcome, I hope that you are doing well. It’s been a couple days but I am doing well and still here.

I made a decision regarding my hair. I did in fact shave my head; this isn’t an April fool’s thing it’s for real. The odd thing was that to me my hair was getting so long but in reality, when I looked at what I shaved off, there wasn’t much there to start with. I probably could have gotten by with just trimming up around my ears. The back was bothering me which is what lead up to my drastic move. Plus, it’s a gay trending thing right now or so I hear via social media. It is all going to grow back and that will probably happen once the whole stay at home order is done. The strange thing is that shampoo doesn’t lather like it used to. My head feels weird. I don’t want to get out in public without having a hat on, it feels strange to have a bald head. Oddly enough there is acne on my head which also bothers me but it’s clearing up.

On the work front, the new guy is starting to get a little lax and I find myself babysitting. I have had to talk with him about it twice. Once on Thursday and the other on Friday. Friday, I became sterner. I told him that I wasn’t going to “rat” him out to the boss but eventually if there wasn’t progress, I wouldn’t have a choice. My personal feelings are definitely at play but also, I don’t want to see him get in trouble. He’s a good guy and we have helped each other out more than once. So, I don’t want to ruin a good working relationship, which I told him I think more of as a friendship. He agreed but I don’t know if he is truly a friend or just being friendly while we are working together. It’s been a hell of a week and mostly because I have been on call. We had strange things come up that haven’t in a while, but it’s all good and everything has been taken care of. So, we rest but only for two days and then it’s back to the grind.

Today I ordered my first take out. I figured go for two meals so I grabbed lunch/supper for today and breakfast for tomorrow. It was at Cracker Barrel. I went to pick it up and the place was dead. I’ve never seen a Cracker Barrel like this. A manager was working the register and got me taken care of. She actually went to get my food.

While I was out, I stopped by to get the mail. The grass man has already sent his first bill. He wastes no time. At the end of the month it’s time to pay him. I am thankful that I was patient and waited for him to show up and that I didn’t call him. It all worked out quite well. Anyway, I got home and the food from Cracker Barrel was still very hot, they do a good job of packaging and it keeps it hot, despite the fact that they are 15 minutes 1 way from the house.

After I ate, Marv was crying that he wanted to get in some noodle time. So, I sat with him on the couch. I got lost in my phone and he got lost in dream land. It was a couple hours and then he woke up and wanted down. I obliged him and then I got up and headed out to grab some food for the kids and a stop at the home improvement store. Cat food was really picked over and not a decent selection but I took advantage of what was available. Trust me when I say the cats won’t starve. They are getting used to getting lunch and have started requesting it if I run behind. My hope is that Marv will gain some weight. Gator doesn’t need to gain a pound; she is fat already. She is having problems with jumping but it’s from old age. She does really well to waddle around this place.

I am addicted to power washing. It is so much fun, even if it is work. I picked up some multi-purpose cleaner and a new dryer vent cover. The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow so I know I am going to fix the dryer vent cover. I may well finish off the deck and get it cleaned and decluttered. I am more anxious to get the front of the house. Today it feels very much like winter and it’s gloomy and overcast out, great day to stay home. Not many people are out and active but there are a few.

Today marks the seventh year that my spouse passed away. I am oddly numb and it does just feel like another day. I haven’t forgotten him but have moved on because that is what life is all about and I know that is what he would have wanted me to do. Those aren’t just perfunctory words I really know it. I still miss him very much and know that he would be incredibly proud of me and the progress I have made in seven long years. I never thought I would make it to this point but yet here I am. I’m proud of myself and my accomplishments. I do wonder how he would react to the whole COVID situation. He would be more at risk than I because he was older and his health wasn’t the greatest. There are other things I wonder about but it’s kind of a waste of time because I’ll never get answers to the questions I have. I do hope that he is at peace and with #1 son, Bear, LB, Ruth, Momma and Blu. I miss all of them incredibly much. It really sucks to see your family fading before your eyes and your sense of normal fading with it. Things will never, ever be the same because each one of them has left. However, there are new roads to discover and new experiences to have. It just sucks to have them on my own and not be able to share them. I’m slightly depressed from the whole stay at home order and this anniversary doesn’t help things. However, it’s not the end of the world … yet.

From what I hear it sounds like a month or possibly two at home and then this whole thing should be under control. I think that the whole stay at home order should be for the entire country and not just certain states. Sadly, I got news that all of the 4^th of July celebrations in my area have been cancelled. That was a huge step and leads me to believe that the stay at home may extend past two months. I also think those in charge know exactly what they want to do but at the same time have to balance that with freaking people out. If they announced that we were all going to be cooped up for months on end, my God the hording would be ten times worse and riots would probably break out. The numbers in my area are getting far worse with hundreds if not a thousand new cases being reported each and every day. I’m certainly doing my part. I only get out on the weekends, the rest of the time I am stuck here. I seriously hope that my weight gain won’t be that bad and while I have great plans to walk on the treadmill, it’s only happened once. I know me and I know that it’s easy to plan but it’s harder to put it into motion. I want to be thinner because it will make me look better and that will up my chances of getting a guy, plus I would feel a lot better and be healthier. I think I am just one of those people that was born to be fat and that is going to be a life long thing. I may be wrong but only time will tell.

So, there you have it, my update. Again, I do hope that your doing well and that life is being good to you. I’ll talk with you all again soon. Take care.

Still going

In case your wondering, I am still going.  April is a rough month for me, more specifically yesterday.  It marked 4 years of my late partners death.  I can’t believe I have been alone for 4 years, it still very much feels like yesterday.  That day always gets me I am paralyzed and chose to isolate myself from the world at large.  I didn’t go to work and slept a good portion of the day away.  I did go out for some pizza at a new place.  It was okay but nothing to write home about.  I am a huge fan of The Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza.  I dropped $25 for a medium pretty decked out and there is plenty left over, so no need to ask what is for supper. 

Back to work today and there isn’t a whole lot going on here.  I’ve got some work to do but I am just not in the mood.  The day is pretty well done so I am just biding my time until we get to go home and play in traffic.  Bad Thunderstorm in the area so I am not so eager to get on the road but I’ll gladly do it because I want to see my furry kids. 

Bear I guess detected that something is going on, he’s been sleeping with me for a few nights.  Marvin stays in because he wants to be by his brother.  So just like old times, the 3 boys.  I like that.  I don’t like it when Bear sees me move in the middle of the night he starts clawing on the box springs but we both know how to push each others buttons.  Just part of stuff you learn when you live with someone for a long period of time. 

I’ve been spending way too much time in the basement with my personal confuser.  Tonight I need to print a stamp out, write a check for my massage tomorrow and then I can come upstairs and be with the kids, enjoy TV and hopefully have a nice evening. 

Yesterday I did spend some time on the phone with AT&T trying to negotiate a better rate for my TV.  They were not accommodating, so I had to drop service in order to reduce my bill.  I gave up HBO to try to get it back for a 3 month free special.  I wound up paying a $5 fee, I didn’t get it free for 3 months but I did get it at 1/2 price for life, so not bad.  I shaved off about $40 per month.  Showtime is gone, no need to keep it because Shameless isn’t on now and that’s all I watched.  Found out I can get it on Amazon for a much cheaper price, so I may elect to get it now to have it.  TV is a rip off we never used to pay for it for the most part when I was a kid, that is until Cable came to town and then oh, I had to have it.  Little did I know that was like crack.  I no longer have access to LOGO and really wanted to keep that, but I didn’t watch it on a regular basis.  So many channels I was paying for that I never watched.  AT&T is probably not happy with me but they are still taking my money.  Funny that all of this started because they sent me an email that freaked me out that I was going to be paying $200 per month for TV & Phone.  That is entirely way too much.  So I called and then the games began.  Funny thing is I wrote a letter to the president and asked for them to adjust my rates like a week prior to this whole thing unfolding yesterday.  I am interested to see what if any response I get from my letter.

Time to wrap things up and prepare to go play in traffic.  At least were close to the weekend.  I always enjoy time off, then again what working person doesn’t?  Take care. 

Remembering #1 son

So you all read about my cats.  Many moons ago me and my late partner adopted a cat from a local shelter.  When I blogged about him I always referred to him as #1 son.  He was a very good boy for the most part.  He discovered momma for us and would sulk when she wasn’t around.  When she was around he would get all pissed off.  He also got into it with Taz and pretty much everyone else in the family.  Although he never met Blu.  He had FELIV which is Feline AIDS.  He was a carrier but he had no symptoms.  I remember when we got the news, we were both devastated because it sounded like a death sentence.  It was anything but that.  It just meant that he needed superior medical care.  By that I mean anything that went wrong with him, he had to go to the vet.  That is what we were told.  We followed that advice for many years but soon relaxed a bit and realized that somethings in life resolve on their own.  He was prone to frequent eye infections.  He kept with the color scheme of the house in that he was black and white.  Long fur, lots of whiskers and just  sweet disposition for the most part. 

He was hands down the most spoiled cat in our neighborhood and perhaps in our county.  The days of having one cat were nice in that we could go away for a weekend trip and not worry.  That is until he got older and then started to have thyroid problems.  He also got jealous of momma and her kids, he was not happy with me for bringing her into the house.  He actually got so pissed off at both me and my late partner that he ran away.  I went to find him and we had a huge fight.  No questions about it he won the battle, but I won the war.  I had to be treated at a local hospital and had to visit my doctor the next day, I got a nasty hand infection out of it.  He also severed the nerve to the first digit of my right hand.  It was constant tingleing and I couldn’t feel anything for a few months.  Finally the nerve grew back and the tingle went away as I was on the cusp of seeing a hand surgeon.  That whole fight thing was the worst thing that happened, until the day we had to part ways.  That for sure what the absolute worst. 

The best most recent memory is when I took Gator up to see him, she was still very much a new born.  He smelled her and then promptly hissed at her.  It was a couple months later when the kids were starting to grow that we allowed them upstairs and he and Gator were looking out the window.  He leaned over to her and let out a huge hiss.  Without hesitation she looked right back at him and hissed even louder.  That scared him half to death and he went running.  We laughed until we cried.  It was just one of those funny moments where there was no camera rolling to capture it. 

I write about him because it popped up on my calendar that today would be his birthday.  This was the day that we brought him home from the shelter.  My late partner was hell bent on getting him.  He had just lost his cat to liver cancer and it was like 3 weeks, he was looking at the paper at work.  I got a message on my pager or maybe it was a voice mail but he said were going to get this cat.  I remember talking to him at lunch time.  He had already called the shelter and reserved him.  When I got home I saw the news article that was written and his name was Spanky.  I don’t want a cat named Spanky it just didn’t sound right.  Turns out it was a misprint and his name is and was Sparky.  Sounds like an electrical story but he himself was just a ball of energy, so much that I guess that is how he got his name.  He wasn’t a happy cat when we picked him up but once he got home and started looking around, you could just see the look on his face.  He thought he won the lottery and in many ways he did.  He explored every nook and cranny of the house, he took turns sleeping with each of us.  If we were cuddling he would join in.  It was the good old days and just the three of us. 

Those sure were some good times and I enjoyed each and every day I had with him.  My late partner even talked him into walking.  So then I had a chore to do when I came home in the spring and summer from working a long hard day, Sparky and I would go for a walk.  This was fun for both of us, but as he got older he got senile and started thinking he saw things and his mood would shift on a dime.  He would want to rip me to shreds, but then would smell my finger and sometimes calm down and other times it would have no effect on him. 

I know he lived a long life but it wasn’t long enough for me.  It wasn’t too terribly long after he was gone that we got news about Bear and that they (the vet) saw spots on an x-ray for him.  They encouraged us to put him down and we didn’t.  Turns out Bear didn’t and doesn’t have cancer.  That made us think they were wrong about Sparky and that we made a horrible choice to end his life when he was perfectly fine.  That is the road not traveled and I can’t go down that path even if I wanted to. 

If you thought making the decision to end his life was difficult, you have no idea how hard it was for me to make his grave.  It just ripped me up.  His remains are resting comfortably in a sunny spot in the front hard of our home.  He always liked the sun and I picked the perfect spot for him.  So when the sun is out and shining bright I often think of him.  Happy Birthday to my #1 son, the guy who started it all.  Daddy misses you very much!

Weekend Rambles

Friday started out slow, ramped up a little bit and then drug on forever.  I finally made it to quitting time!  Don’t know why but issues seem to hit towards quitting time, thought I might get some OT but that didn’t happen and I am okay with it.  Boss made it back from vacation, he had a great time and now is settling back into work life.  He really didn’t want to come back and I totally understand.  It’s a great place to work but they call it work for a reason.  I came home and had Meatloaf & Mashed Potatoes the Stouffers version.  It was okay but just not filling for me.  Caught up on TV learned some things about 9/11.  Like for instants there was a Marriott Hotel wedged between the two towers, I never knew that before.  Not terribly sore from my massage but there is some noticeable swelling in my back.  It’s uncomfortable but not immobilizing. Talked with my friend who’s wife had surgery.  They still don’t know what type of cancer she has, they are waiting for more information from the pathology report.  I think they have everything it’s just a matter of the doctors making up their minds.  It’s been 2 weeks.  His wife’s legs were swelling so they spent a day at the ER getting tests done and getting the swelling down.  Sent her home with Lasix.  She had 2 gallons of extra fluid in her body.  She has lost 1 gallon.  Now she is to the point where she doesn’t want to eat.  What a mess.  As if that is not bad enough my friend discovered one of their cats couldn’t move her hind legs.  She tried to walk, fell down the stairs.  Couldn’t stand up in the litter box.  It was a mess.  The cat is 16 years old.  It sounds like she had a stroke, there was something neurological going on, just don’t know what.  He gave her a day in the hopes she would bounce back but that didn’t happen so he put her down.  They got 2 kittens both sisters.  I knew they were approaching end of life, 16 is a good average but for an indoor cat 19 or 20 is much better.  I am worried now that her sister will pass out of depression.  They say she is doing fine.  They also just got a dog about 2 months ago.  The dog is devastated, which you wouldn’t think would happen but animals are strange.  Hearing that story made me want to come home and hug all of my children.  I spent time with Bear on the couch, he lapped that up like a sponge.  I called it a night early.

Saturday, I wanted it to be a lazy day.  The vet reached out to me on Friday to find out where I got the supplement I was giving Bear, she had a client that was trying to order some but was told it was on back order.  I gave her the information and did one better, I donated my unused bottle.  I took that over to the vet early this morning.  There was 1,000 pills when I bought it and easily there was upwards of 900 plus pills still left.  It was only $30 and I am glad it’s not rotting away in my cabinet.  Bear won’t need it since the Rx food is working.  If he does I know where to get it.  Not a big deal and I felt like the donation was just the right thing to do, I mean I got my cat back (cost me a fucking fortune) so I was rather pleased with myself.  I hit up Steak N Shake for breakfast, chatted it up with my favorite waitress then went on to get my hairs cut and grab the mail.  Got a rebate in the mail, was very pleased to see that.  Came home, got undressed and plopped on the couch.  Back to sleep I went, took a little bit of time but I got a couple hours of zzz time for me.  The Choir Cat woke me up both times, I love her but really wish she came with a mute button.  First it was feed us breakfast then it was feed us lunch.  I started on laundry, dishes and then retreated to the computer.  I was trying to be productive but got caught up in a bunch of business websites and got a free incoming fax number.  No one ever sends me faxes but if the need arises I have a personal number that I can give instead of using my work number.  I am limited to 10 pages per month.  Free is good but I really wanted more, that costs money which I really don’t want to spend.  Once again it was Choir cat to the rescue.  I was playing with my iPhone trying to fix a problem with my contacts, she just kept it up and eventually I gave in and went upstairs.  However, no food for them.  I got dressed and hit the road.  Drove to Red Lobster had a giant Pina Colada, a Diet Coke, Flounder, Mashed Potatoes, Biscuits and a Cesar Salad.  The drink was long overdue and very nice.  I could have one of those every day for a week before I would be sick of them.  They make them with chopped ice and ice cream, no one does it like Red Lobster and they are the best in my opinion.  You don’t need the rum but it’s a nice touch!  Went to grab cat litter, picked up a new Harry’s Razor at Target and then stopped in the cat food store.  Walked down to the office supply store.  Looked at keyboards and mice, I am obsessed with them.  I needed a new mouse because when I cleaned my old one the scroll wheel got messed up.  I could have still used it but it was an annoyance.  I like to stay brand loyal to Microsoft but had to go with Logitech. They had a nice blueish purple mouse (M510) and it was on sale.  So after talking myself into it and browsing the pen section, I grabbed it.  Then I saw a backlit keyboard by Logitech and it felt really nice, only draw back was it was corded.  So I passed because I knew if I stayed I would talk myself into buying way more than I needed.  Then I came home and fed the children supper.  It was way later than I planned on getting home but I made it and they were fed.  Changed out my shower curtain and bathmat, neither were what I wanted but they will suffice for the time being.  I did finally solve my iPhone contact problem, it was driving me nuts but I had to resort to Google for help.  Laundry is done, need to grab it and go upstairs.  Really want to shave & shower tonight but don’t think I have the energy in me.  I may still try.  Got a call from my mom.  Part of me really wants to call her, I can hear my late partners voice saying it’s your mother call her.  The other part of me says every time you open the door you get shit on, why do you want to open the door?  So I can’t quite bring myself to return her call.  There is a bit more to the story than I am willing to put in print for public consumption.  However, this is something I will have to come to terms with and figure out what the best thing is for me to do. 

Sunday the only thing I have left to do is hit up the grocery store, gas up the car, vacuum the house which torments the children.  Then I am done and can call it a day.  Found out that the pie place (yes I said pie) has a pet food store that sells the Rx food Bear is on, so I need to venture up there to see if I can save myself some money.  Not sure that I will go on a Sunday but I wouldn’t totally rule it out, if I get a wild hair I will be in the car on the way to sugar heaven or as I should refer to it as diabetics delight.  We mark yet another year of remembrance of the tragedy that is 9/11.  Such a sad day but it’s a day that everyone who was a live remembers like it was yesterday.  I had a 2 way pager back then, now only doctors have them.  Everyone else upgraded to cell phones and text messaging.  The world has certainly come a long way since this event but it’s a day that will always be remembered long after you and I no longer walk the earth.  RIP victims, heroes, first responders.  Hard to believe it’s been 15 years, still feels like yesterday to me and I am sure to many. 

That’s all I have for now.  Headed upstairs and probably to bed, really tired.  Looking forward to one more day of rest before heading back for 5 days of work. 

Cleaning Sunday

I had great plans to clean the carpets but I have managed to talk myself out of that.  I did vacuum, but had to skip my bedroom because the boys were in there.  When I was done, Marv raced down stairs as fast as he could.  He’s been there ever since.  He won’t come up until it’s time for treats.

The girls look at me funny when I put there food down first.  I always fed LB first, they would move in around him until there floor hit the ground.  Then I fed Bear.  Now that it’s only two cans of food, it’s quicker and well just a bit awkward at the moment.  I can’t bring myself to clean the table or the coffee table those were the primary places for him to hang out.  It feels sort of like I am erasing a memory.

I did some looking at LB’s medical folder and the first time we got him to the vet was back in 2010.  He’s been around since 2008 or early 2009.  I also saw the few times he was there he was always around 12 pounds, which was the perfect weight for him.  So like with Blu our time was very short, not unusual for an outdoor/indoor cat.  The outdoor part shaves years off of there life expectancy.

I have thought about getting another cat but I know it won’t be the same, there is no duplicating one cat.  Just like people they/we are all unique and are irreplaceable.  I really wanted more time with him, it’s just so unfair.  While I am thankful for the time I had, I would gladly have paid some money to get more time.

So on a different note, I went to the grocery store today.  The cashier remarked about how this was a light load for me.  I went through the store like a zombie, plus there was some stuff that I wanted they didn’t have.  In any case I told her about LB and we chatted for a bit.  I didn’t spend that much money there.  However, I had to visit the other grocery store to pick up Oatmeal and they only had 1 box.  I got lots of stuff that I shouldn’t have bought but did.  So between the 2 stores I spent close to $100.

I should be eating good this week.  I got some Jack Daniels BBQ Pork, Braunschwager, Freshly made refrigerated Chicken Fajita Burrito and of course a Chicago Classic Uno Pizza.  I had the pizza for dinner and it was pretty good.  Better than the last one I had.  I ate 1/2 and save the other 1/2 for another time. 

I checked my sugar after nap time today and it was 75.  That is a little low but still a very good number.  So my efforts are starting to pay off.  My stomach is still a mess and I suspect it will be that way for a while until my body adjusts.  I did purchase sweets but I’m eating them in moderation.  Who can go cold turkey away from sugar?  Not this guy!  Why torture myself like that – then go through withdrawals and then I would find myself at the M&M Mars Hospital for Sugar Attics.  Seriously though if you don’t get enough sugar your body can crash and it can have adverse affects on you.  I want to avoid those.  Sort of like with sex, let’s just skip all of the work and get to the good part. 

I really, really wanted to go to The Cheesecake Factory for supper but talked myself out of it, besides that once I got that pizza it was a done deal.  I will get there eventually and I am sure it will be a blissful experience when I do manage to make it.  It was either their or the local pizza place for Deep Dish Pizza.  Well the grocery store had the figured out for me. 

I am still doing laundry.  The trash needs to be wrangled so you might say I am running behind, but that’s okay it will all get done in the end.  I am just happy that I was able to wash my bed stuff.  Marvin will get his medicine tonight so hopefully he won’t puke all over the clean cover.

I managed to put flea medicine on Momma and that always knocks any cat out after about an hour or so.  She ate dinner and then I found her with her head in the plate.  Like she just collapsed.  She got some good sleeping on and then came running to me when she woke up.  As if to say thanks.  Now it probably won’t stop her from chewing on herself but my hope is that it will at least lessen it. 

Monday will no doubt suck.  Not only to I have to go back to work but there is a bunch of stuff to do and I will have to deal with all of the co-workers wanting to talk about LB and dealing with that.  So hopefully the day will move quickly so we can get it all out of the way.  I hope it’s a productive day and not crazy busy but just steady with simple issues and quick wins as I call them.  Things like password resets or machine reboots – nothing that I have to think too much about to solve. 

Nothing to report on the dating front.  I’ve been through all of the apps, as I do on any given day – multiple times.  Hoping and praying for a message and to meet someone but it’s a bust.  Too bad I am not looking for a hookup because I am sure I would have had a lot more opportunities.  Ah well I suppose my time will come.  I kind of wish that would be now but tomorrow is perfectly okay.  Do you hear me Mr. Sandman? 

Nurse Jackie and Secrets & Lies are my evening TV that I have to look forward to.  I will probably chow down on some Cherries Garcia as I would on most any Sunday and I of course will be thinking about LB.  He loved it when I gave him the carton to lick.  I also found a snapshot I took of him with the spy cam when he was on the table sleeping.  Glad I found that, I’ve saved it to my phone so I will have it forever. 

Last week was a fucking horrible week for me.  I hope that this week is far better and that something majorly good happens to change my mood.  Saturday I have a therapy appointment.  It will be the last time we meet in this office.  My therapist is moving so I will have to figure out how to get to the new place but thankfully I have my trusty iPhone and it will guide me.

The first full week of May.  Sunday the 9th is Mother’s Day.  I got my mom’s card for her today.  She doesn’t know it but the meal we had on Friday was her present.  No way would I try to pry my way into a restaurant on Mother’s Day.  Which means I might be having breakfast at home next Sunday.  I don’t know about your neck of the woods but here Mother’s & Father’s Day all of the restaurants are packed. 

C’mon good times, I am ready for you!  I bid you all a good week!

 

In memory of my LB.  Miss you buddy!

1 Year Ago–Today-

Today is the one year mark when I said goodbye to my partner.  Surprisingly I am kind of numb today.  Most of my emotions center around getting a phone call about a job.  I am hoping to make something positive come out of what has been an all negative experience. 

Setting aside my emotions of today and thinking about a year ago.  Well it was a hard decision to remove life support.  It’s great to be trusted to have that privilege but it’s something that you never hope you will have to act upon.  I could have been a selfish person and kept him around for me, but honestly I only think that would have made things worse for both of us.  I know that if I would have done that, he would have been very mad at me. 

He was like a prophet – he said that he didn’t want a colostomy and he wound up with one.  He said that he didn’t want to be trapped in a body that didn’t function and had he survived the last stroke he would have been in that condition.  He had mobility issues as it was from the first stroke and from growing old.

Despite his health issues and what a pain the in ass he could be at times.  I still miss him.  I miss hearing his voice, the noise and racket he used to make.  I really miss his cooking, something that even he probably didn’t fathom that I would miss.  There is also the many phone calls throughout the day, especially the lunch time phone call where we would plot about what was for dinner.  It’s those little things that were a BIG part of my life.

I still love him despite the fact he is gone.  I know that he didn’t leave me willingly and that he loved me – only because he told me every single day.  It got kind of mushy and I turned a deaf ear to it but we both said the words each day.  Within the last couple months he was here on earth it started to mean something to me again.  I guess that was a wake up call from God. 

Looking back over the past year – I have managed to sue and settle with a large union to collect a death benefit.  I have managed to make his medical bills vaporize.  I am still making the bankruptcy payments and well we all know about the mortgage fiasco.  I have also unplugged and turned off a lot of unnecessary items here at home and the energy bill keeps on dropping.  While I’m only hitting the highlights there were many more things that happened within the past year.  All in all I think I have done well, given the circumstances. 

My hope for the coming year is that I do get a different and better job that pays more.  A place where I can be happy and grow.  That I can tame the mortgage monster and get the house in my name.  That I can get his bankruptcy closed out and that I am in better shape next year. 

This afternoon I am gathering with some friends to remember him and to share a meal, as well as some time together.  I will never forget him, even if I meet someone else.  My fear is that I will compare that person to him.  However, this is all unchartered territory for me so who knows what will happen.

I know that I have been through some major crap and I feel that life owes me a break.  There has been far too much bad and negativity, it’s time to turn this around and get happy!

Before I go – Big Boy checked out okay at the vet.  They drew some blood because they are afraid he might be diabetic, should know in a couple days.  I am still not ready to let go.  The vet is surprised he is alive and doing well.  She called him the miracle cat.  That he is. 

My blood work came back and I saw it on-line wow, blood sugar and cholesterol are both way out of control.  I know my doctor won’t be too happy with me but at the same time I think he will understand my circumstances.  After all he is the one who said that I am still in mourning. 

Remembering my partner – a great man who touched man lives.  May he rest in peace. 

Update on Josh Weston–RIP

I learned that Josh’s cause of death was HIV Related Complications.  He passed away on Sunday at the age of 39.

Very sad.  I wasn’t even aware he had HIV.  I can only surmise that he contracted it doing bareback work.  I don’t know that for certain. 

Bareback sex can be hot and turns me on but so does protected sex.  It’s more about the dynamic between the two people and how hot they look.  However, a moment of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of hell. 

I haven’t been tested for HIV in many years, mostly because I’m in a monogamous relationship.  I do remember when I was tested and waiting those 5 days, it was pure torture.  I can only imagine how Josh felt when he got a positive diagnosis.  I’m also not sure why he passed away so young, I mean medical science has made quite the advances with HIV medications.  While there still is no cure, I can only hope that it’s around the corner.

Hopefully, more porn performers as well as us “normal” people will learn from this and not engage in risky behavior, no matter how much fun it might be. 

One more HOT photo I picked up of Josh from Hot House Studios.  RIP

R.I.P.–Josh Weston

I learned this afternoon that Josh Weston passed away.  No details on the cause as of yet.  He was 39 years old.  You might not know his name, but if you have watched any Falcon movies you will recognize his face.  He had an awesome body.

I didn’t care too much for his work once he started getting older, because he packed on the muscle.  He also did some bareback work that shook up a few people.  I liked him when he first started out working for Falcon.

I am bothered that someone younger than me, but very close to me in age passed away.  I know it happens all the time but it makes me stop and think how much more time do I have?

I hope he is Resting In Peace.

Today’s word–REBOOT

Feels very strange today, especially when I think back 11 years ago today and what happened in NYC – The Pentagon – Shanksville, PA.  The entire world remembers today.  If you lost someone in this tragedy, please accept my sincere sympathies.

 

So I am working on PC’s in West By God Virginia.  They are the slowest things I think I have touched in a very long time.  Thankfully I am doing this via Remote Control.  Right now I am waiting on someone to call me back so we can go to the next step.

I also have a laptop to configure and get out the door.  I said two days but I think it will be more like three or four, kind of depends what else happens today and the rest of the week.  Just ran Windows Update and the laptop needs 133 updates.  Wow and I have not put on any software. 

So this morning a lady was having some problems getting to a website.  I sat down at her desk and said I would fix it.  Then I caught a glimpse of some new photos she put up of one of her kids.  Damn he is cute, I suddenly forgot my password and was momentarily paralyzed.  I had to force myself to not look at them and look at her screen instead.  That worked and I got her all fixed.

I’m about to go to lunch and someone else bothers me with every time I open a document or an e-mail I get this funny message on my screen about a failure.  I almost said honey stop looking in the mirror.  Seriously, a reboot fixed that right up.  I don’t get people who don’t try to help themselves just pick up the phone without trying anything and say I’m stuck.  That’s like the car running out of gas and flagging someone down to say it won’t go any more can you fix it?!

Got my car back last night.  It’s looking good.  Oil changed, Air filter changed.  Buttons on sterring wheel replaced.  Air in the tires and a new Throttle Body.  Plus they replaced the license plate bulbs under warranty.  Only cost $66.  The oil change was a bit high but it’s the dealer.  They get $99 per hour on labor.  Wish I made that kind of money, I wouldn’t mind sharing.

We went out to eat last night as I promissed.  Not too bad.  I saw one cute guy who reminded me of James Barnett.  Don’t know who that is?  Check out Google.  Anyway, this person looked just like him.  He was a waiter and super fine.  I was going to say something to him, for real.  However, we discovered that one of my partners former relatives is the manager of the place.  So I kept my trap shut.  Probably just as well ..saved embarrassment for both of us. 

My partner heard about something called Pos-T-Vac it’s supposed to help guys with E.D.  He asked for more information to be sent.  Yesterday, he gets a call from the post office saying that he has to come down to sign some paperwork if he wants to receive “that kind of mail”.  WTF they have delivered sex toys, porn videos but they are griping now about a single first class letter.  Makes no sense to me.  My partner wanted to come down and sign the paper but, no he has to make an appointment.  He thinks the postal inspectors are going to be there.  I told him be sure to take your cell phone so you can call me from jail.  He doesn’t go until tomorrow, so should be an interesting meeting. He plans on signing nothing but I think his mouth is going to go off.  I also suspect that our mail will be more closley monitored.  Fine by me, I don’t get any sexual material by mail and the only things that come to me are stuff I order on-line.  I wonder if they would fuss about an order from Undergear, I mean they sell cock rings now.  Oh my!  Screw you USPS.

I called the lady about the photo, she is out sick today.  I will try her back later in the week.  Who knows maybe I will figure it out by then.  I just don’t have too much time in the evening.  Lots of running, cleaning and chores.  Seems like I get about an hour to myself and that’s just before bed.

Got a call at lunch time from my guy griping about our mail order pharmacy.  They can only bill us $100 for medication and if you go over that well your SOL.  I told him to talk with a human I ran up a bill of $300 + and they shipped everything to me.  You just have to get an exception.  Then he started telling me how he was going to stop taking medicine.  He is really upset over the post office, then add this plus his vehicle is in need of repairs and he is still sore from falling.  Yeah, Oscar The Grouch!  But it’s understandable.

I am going to call this lady to see if she is back yet.  This waiting is a game I don’t play well.  Hope that your all doing well.  Be safe and I will talk with you peeps later!

 

In Memoriam

I was browsing the net on my phone this morning, heard about the massacre in Colorado.  I checked the local news and sure enough it was true.  Very sad, a bunch of innocent people who didn’t do anything to anyone, they just wanted to have a good time and see the premier of Batman.  Little did they know that a crazy person with a gun would change their lives forever.

May God have mercy on everyone who is impacted by this.  Especially the victims and their families.

I am at a loss for words as to why this sort of thing happens.  Why people decide to hurt innocent people, who did nothing.  We have got to stop all forms of violence, it creates way more problems than it will ever solve.  Be it a fist fight, road rage, or a massacre. 

It is my understanding that the premier of the movie in France was cancelled due to this.  Now people will be a little apprehensive when they go to the movies.  Some people will stop going all together. 

The bottom line is very sad but true.  You have to ALWAYS be on guard, watch for suspicious activity and go with your gut.  Even if your wrong, far better to be wrong than injured or dead.

In past posts I have talked about understanding the desire behind suicide.  I’ve felt like that before.  I have never had the desire to hurt a group of innocent people, especially children.  I don’t recommend suicide as an option to anyone but if you want to hurt yourself and your hell bent on it, then go ahead.  For God Sakes don’t hurt innocent people.

The world is a crazy place these days.  It seems like your never safe and always in harms way, even when your sleeping.  I wish the world would take a chill pill, get a massage and sleep it off.

My condolences to the victims and families affected by this horribly unfortunate and totally avoidable tragedy.  May God be with you all.