Wake up call

Morning, my day started at 4a when I was woken up by Mora jumping on me.  I was having the best dream.  I was with my late spouse at McDonald’s and we were enjoying breakfast.  I had just taken a job at a place that I used to work at, that was a complete nightmare.  I dream from time to time that I got sucked back in there.  For some reason I was elated about it because I figured I’d be making more money but I would also be doing a job that I really didn’t want to.  Just about the time I was going to bite into my second Sausage McMuffin with Egg is when Mora woke me up. I don’t see my late spouse often enough in dreams and was rather upset that Mora woke me up, I would have loved to at least finish my dream breakfast.  I haven’t had a Sausage McMuffin with Egg in a long time.  

Maybe I was talking in my sleep or maybe she just wanted to cuddle.  At any rate that’s what happened she snuggled up in my arm for a little bit.  Then Rudy came and sat on my chest and pressed on my stomach.  My bladder kicked in and I told them both I had to get up.  I returned to bed after using the restroom and then we all got situated again.  Rudy wound up by my feet and Mora was back snuggling in my arm. 

After a few minutes of trying, I realized there was no getting back to sleep so I turned the TV on and watched an episode of Sanford (this spin off from Sanford & Son).  It was on YouTube and I just wanted something to pass the time until I got groggy again and could go back to sleep.  That couldn’t happen fast enough for me.  After that was over with, I turned the TV off and had to move.  That caused Mora to leave me.  Which was fine because she was nipping at my finger thinking it was a play toy.  It hurts but she hasn’t broken the skin yet.  Her brother does it too from time to time, but he’s a bit gentler than she is. 

It took me a little bit but I managed to get back to sleep for a bit.  Then the trash truck came through and woke me up.  I was able to dose off for a bit before Rudy started his it’s time to wake up routine.  I cuddled with him since he was early and then we all got up to get Friday started. 

As per usual I am done with my morning tasks at work and have the rest of the day wide open just waiting for something to occupy time.  I have gone looking to help out but there isn’t anything pending right now that I can lend a hand with. 

Last night when I took the trash out, I noticed in one of my landscaping beds that there were a bunch of rather tall weeds.  It’s as if the lawn people haven’t been doing their job.  I broke out some Roundup and sprayed.  I will peek at it when I bring the empty barrel in later on today.  The last thing I want is to get in trouble with the city.  I’ve been thinking about buying a weed trimmer for a couple years now.  Every once and a while I find something that they skipped. 

Speaking of the yard since I fired my tree trimmer, I didn’t have any work done last year and managed to skate by just fine.  However, things are to the point now where I need to have work done.  I said I wouldn’t call him back because he charged me for a tool he forgot.  He went to buy one at a local store and magically the price of my bill went up by exactly what he paid for the tool.  Well, his prices are pretty fair and while I really don’t want to call him, I really don’t want to start over with anyone else.  A simple fall clean up that can be done later this year or early next year – it’s no rush. 

Yesterday's post I removed something that I really wanted to put in, it’s the Thirsty part of the post.  I know of one particular porn star that is local to my area (who shall not be named).  I was curious to see if he did escort work and when I went surfing, I didn’t find him but found another Twink porn star.  I actually thought about calling for a split second.  My dick was saying do it, we need this.  My brain however said its trouble steer clear of this.  I’ve never done anything like that before and know that it’s a tricky rope to walk so that you don’t violate the law.  The trick is that you're paying for a person's time and not for a sexual act.  If you pay for a sexual act that’s prostitution and highly illegal.  While I doubt that a porn star would be an undercover cop or wired, they probably approach each person that calls them with some suspicion.  I’m quite lonely and while I don’t want to just jump into bed, I want to form a connection and get to know a person before we go to the bedroom.  Paying for that would get awfully expensive.  That was heart/brain talking.  My dick says pay some money, have some fun – no strings.  However, I don’t know if I could just do casual sex.  I’m sure I’d form some kind of a bond and want more, again it could get awfully expensive.  Part of me felt a little cheap posting about it but another part of me said post it, get it out of your system.  It’s not going to get me laid but somehow it might benefit someone else. 

I am toying with getting back to the dating apps just to see if I can find someone but honestly, I have no hope and don’t think anyone that I’d be interested in (twinks late 20’s to 30’s) would be interested in me.  I suppose every older guy wants someone younger.  I’m not looking to support anyone or to have anyone support me in a financial way.  Spending money on each other is just part of dating and I’m okay with normal expenses in that respect.  Heck I’d even settle for someone in there 40’s.  I’m looking for a one and done, I don’t want to play game or cycle through several guys.  However, something about dating says you have to play games and you will likely go through several guys.  I don’t have the patience or ability to tolerate getting my heart broken.  It’s kind of held together by some crappy super glue as it is and quite fragile.  I’m vulnerable and know it.  I think that I will die alone but I am not expecting to die anytime soon.  Talk about agony and suffering.  However, I know you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and that I am already alone.  Things are pretty grim in that respect so the only place they can go is up.  I like the single life in that you have no one to report to and there is abundant freedom.  However, I am kind of over being alone.  I guess it all boils down to a catch 22.  If there is a guy for me and he is out there here’s hoping that our paths cross sooner than later. I know that time really isn’t on my side here, as age continues to climb the less appealing I am. However, the heart wants what the heart wants. I'll keep you posted if anything develops.

Speaking of age were getting closer with each passing day to my birthday. That's something I used to look forward to when I was so much younger but ever since my 30's birthdays haven't been that appealing to me. My 35^th birthday was really special and it was all because of a friend I had at work that made things come together. I was so much happier then and just didn't realize it. Nothing yet has compared to the way that birthday was celebrated but I sure do have some great memories to reflect on.

Well, I should stick a fork in this post and call it done. Hope that you all have a great weekend and thanks as always for stopping by. Take care!

Colder

Fall is for sure in the air this morning.  We were down in the 40’s and tonight’s low will be our first frost for many areas.  Afternoon temperatures are still in the 70’s.  It’s still a bit of a sea saw effect but were headed more towards colder being the norm. 

Had a company wide meeting yesterday.  Were still earning money hand over fist, which is a good thing.  We got a reminder that were closed on Election Day.  Clearly my boss didn’t know that because he rescheduled one of our Tuesday meetings for that Monday just after it was announced.  I’ve got a list of our observed holidays in both my home and work offices.  This was just a status meeting more than anything to let everyone know all is well as we start to approach the end of the year. 

I didn’t plan for it but I wound up spending most of my working day upstairs with the cats in the living room  We fired up the new heater and both cats like it but are a little confused by it.  Takes a while before it makes a noticeable difference to get rid of the chill but once I power on the furnace it will make a great companion. 

Broke out the comforter last night just because I knew it was going to be cold and I didn’t like waking up freezing.  Yesterday was the first day in a while where the AC never kicked on.

Overall is was a decent day that moved by slowly but once we got to the afternoon things picked up a bit.  I had a fair amount of work but it wasn’t necessarily steady and some of it came after 5p.

I am working on my left over pizza.  Had a slice for Lunch and another for Supper.  I am thinking of freezing some of it because I am already growing tired of it.  It’s good but not one of those items I can eat day after day. 

Not exactly sure why but I have noticed the deafening silence in this house.  Seems like the more the years tick by the quieter it gets.  I remember when I longed for quiet and now that I have it, I really don’t want it.  I’m feeling the loneliness and it doesn’t help that my late spouses birthday will occur in a few weeks.  His birthday follows my mom’s birthday.  I am thankful that I have the cats but it’s not nearly the same as living with another person.  I don’t know that I will ever live with another person but I would like a human companion that might spend the night on occasion.  These moments are just little reminders and I tend to have them the more time progresses.  Not that I enjoy them but they happen.  Also probably doesn’t help that the holidays are near. 

Got 3 meetings today and I look forward to none of them.  However, each day that passes brings me closer to my pending vacation and I am really focused on that. 

Take care!

Early Wake Up Call

Howdy! Perused social media last night and one of the people that I would have loved to chat with came in for the reunion.  I saw him in a photo but when I looked over the invite list he didn’t indicate he was going.  He’s gay and came out long after high school.  Hence why I wanted to chat with him.  We never really crossed paths in high school.  He is super cute and has a husband.  I wasn’t looking for anything more than a conversation.  Looks like that opportunity passed me by.  I’m sure there will be more photos to follow in the days ahead and outside of missing chatting with one person I don’t regret my decision to not go. 

I woke up on my own at 5a but managed to go back to sleep.  Had a dream about a cat that has passed away.  I think about all of them often and they must come to say hello by visiting me in my dreams.  Either that or my mind is just playing with me. 

The phone started ringing at 6:30a and it took me a few minutes to get to it but I made it.  It was work and I was greeted with I hope I didn’t wake you.  Nah you didn’t wake me I had to get up to answer the phone.  It was a stupid pointless call but I gave my official work response and that brought the call to and end.  No point in going back to sleep because I need to be up in a half hour to get going. 

Mora was all over me when I got out of bed, she started crying while I was trying to talk on the phone.  Like I was somehow going to forget about her and breakfast.  Rudy was smart and waited in bed.  We headed to the kitchen and I cracked open a can of food and breakfast was served.  Mora wouldn’t touch it as she lets her brother eat first.  He was round the corner in a flash. 

Meanwhile I got to play with my eye.  They have been giving me trouble lately.  I’ve got one eye that has idiopathic conjunctivitis and each morning I have to clean the junk from the lashes.  It’s not fun and some mornings it’s thicker than others.  I believe this is the result of a hazing incident when I was in high school and a bunch of girls on the bus ride home put makeup on me and my brother.  I wound up with a killer eye infection from it and things haven’t been 100% right since then.  I had an eye doctor that put me on a steroid eye drop and that cleared it right up but my doctor along with a couple new eye docs both say that it’s too dangerous to be on the drop long term it could do damage.  So I am stuck with the clean up job.  To add to that my upper eye has lashes that grow in the wrong direction.  I can’t curl them to save my life so I suppose it’s good I’m not a drag queen.  I’ve trimmed them before but you get your eye wet for any reason and it stings like no tomorrow.  What goes better with two problems, another problem so you get the Trifecta effect.  I’ve got dry eyes from staring at computer screens all day.  There is OTC drops for that but I don’t put them in until things get really bad because like everyone else I hate eye drops.  This growing old thing kind of sucks!

After messing with my eyes and getting dressed.  I opened the blinds for the back yard.  Looked like it was going to pour rain.  The forecast last night said rain all day.  I headed out for breakfast and hit up the grocery store.  Should have gone to Target but didn’t feel like it and it will be there next week.  Came home, put groceries away and started working on laundry. 

Got undressed and relaxed in my room.  Wound up taking my usual Sunday morning nap but it didn’t last nearly as long as I wanted it to.  That’s because the phone popped with a news alert that we have poor air quality and an excessive heat warning in effect.  Like I needed to be woken up to find that out.  I was pissed but it’s part of being on-call, I have to be available.  If I wasn’t on-call I would have turned on do not disturb and that alert would have never stood a chance of bothering me.  I think I got about 45 minutes and magically both cats were next to me when I woke up. 

Time to pass out lunch for them even though it was 10:30 I just gave in early.  Then worked on my pills.  The sun was out and I checked the weather on my phone.  Not a drop of rain in the forecast.  I used that as an excuse to spray outside.  It wasn’t fun but I got it done.  Also found that cute baby groundhog made a new hole in my yard and when I saw it I wanted to kill the fucker.  They are going to keep up and I will have water in my basement.  No matter what you put down they will dig it up or tunnel around it.  That’s why you trap and rehome them then you can close up the holes to their den(s).  I’ve got 3 of them at the base of my deck which is built on top of a concrete slab patio.  It’s some genius work my late spouse put together by reading books and researching.  He never went into any project without arming himself with knowledge first.  It looks good and is built with Trex material so there really is no maintenance needed, but like anything outdoors it gets dirty so a power wash and your good to go.  Of course the improvement to the house meant that it added to the value and that cause taxes to go up. 

I got to fight with some vines that I though I killed off earlier this year that managed to come back to life.  I hate touching green leafy things without known for sure what exactly I am touching.  So I used a trimmer to help me clear the vines and then cut them off at the root.  Put down some Round Up and hopefully this time it kills them dead. 

That little bit of yard work and I was hot, sweating and just wanted to get back inside.  Before I tackled the vines I was all set to check my tire pressure but afterwards I just wanted to get inside and cool down.  I tapped on the back window to see if I could get the cats to come see me but neither one of them answered my call.  I guess they thought it was a stranger. 

Came in and got almost naked.  Drank a Sprite and had a sweet snack.  My arms shaking like a 90 year old man with Parkinson's.  My upper core just spasms and I get the shakes as a result.  It’s not fun trying to pick up food or drink when that happens because it turns into a large mess quickly.  As long as things are normal I’m fine and can eat and drink fine.  I’m told it’s a long term affect from being on anti-depressants.  I just want it to go away along with all of the other little quirks my body has developed over the years.

I’m working on laundry now and managed to wrap up my data project.  Got the new drive backing up to the cloud and the backup drive is an exact copy.  I hope I can keep up my plan to copy things over so that I won’t have to ever pay for a drive with my data to be shipped to me again.  I really need to move into a NAS but just don’t want to part with the money.  It would make sense to have a RAID array with drives mirrored so if one fails you put in a new one and it starts to mirror again.  Technology is great if you can afford it and it works like it’s supposed to. 

Still need to clean the house.  Plan on going out for BBQ for supper.  Got my Chicken Cesar Wrap purchased for going into the office on Tuesday.  Oh joy won’t that be fun and boring.  I just keep counting down to vacation each day brings me closer.  Thinking about traveling around for some good food and trying new places.  I will also plan on pulling out some cash just to be prepared in case I come across a place that doesn’t take credit cards. 

Take care and enjoy what’s left of Sunday!

Lazy Does It

Welcome in … I had a productive evening.  Washed the cats fountain in the dishwasher.  Used air dry and just a normal wash cycle.  Anything more and the plastic it’s made from would melt.  At least that was my experience with a prior fountain years and years ago.  Talk about learning from your mistakes. 

Got the cat’s fountain put back together and filled.  Then loaded up the dishwasher with my dishes and knocked them out.  Speaking of knocking, my water heater makes all kinds of noise now that I flushed it.  I wished I would have listened to the plumber who told me when it was put in don’t touch it.  I know that your supposed to flush them as regular maintenance once per year.  It gets pretty noisy and I can’t help but think I’ve set myself up for failure.  The unit has been in service for 4 years, was installed at the start of the pandemic and still working fine.  It’s gas and on the lowest possible setting for hot water.  I know it is mineral deposits that cause the knocking.  Yet another joy of homeownership.  Here’s hoping that it lasts for many more years to come. 

Went to bed late and had several play sessions with the cats throughout the day.  Rudy was the one who drove that and I just hope he doesn’t think that is going to be an every day thing.  He really whined and carried on at bed time because I was all played out and he was denied his normal before bed play.  I watched some TV and eventually my medicine kicked in, I thought it wasn’t going to work at all. 

Rudy let me sleep in for 45 minutes and then at 7:45a he was making biscuits and waking me up.  I got up and fed them.  I came back to bed for a bit but eventually opted to get up and eat, take my meds and just relax.  That meant going back to bed and watching TV.  Of course I fell back asleep.  There’s nothing really going today and relaxing is what I enjoy most of all, even if it’s dull & boring wasting my life away. 

Got up around noonish and had some cookies & a soda for lunch.  After the cats were done with lunch they joined me as we returned to my room to watch more TV.  I got going around 2:30p with a shower.  By now it’s close to 100 degrees outside and there are air quality & heat advisory warnings out. 

Stopped for cat food first.  Then went to the office supply store and the kids working there looked at me like I had a 3rd eye.  I asked if they had a document holder.  The first person said that she was too young to understand what I was asking for and pointed me to some guys who thought I was looking for a typewriter.  It’s a simple device it holds a document in an upright position and you can more easily type as your looking to it and then your monitor instead of having to look down if the document was laying on a desk.  I was calling it a copy holder but explained what it did.  Well turns out it’s actually called a document holder and I can get one from Amazon for $12 and it will be here next day.  I knew I wasn’t crazy but those kids said they didn’t have it.  I looked prior to asking and yeah I didn’t find it either.  I looked over the pen isle while I was there.  Lots of choices but I didn’t buy anything. 

Off to grab the mail from there and then to a Mexican place that my friends were talking about.  I had been there when they opened and it was good but that was like 5 years ago.  The place fills up in a hurry.  Service absolutely sucked but the food was awesome.  Full of flavor and apparently full of salt.  I didn’t taste it but ever since I have been home I have been so damn thirsty.  I keep drinking water like I am a fish, I’ll be glad when my thirst is quenched I hate feeling thirsty and not being able to drink enough to get satisfied.

Cat food got put away and here I am in the basement.  Mora has been nagging at me.  I forgot about the time and realized she wanted treats.  I gave her those.  That only bought me 10 minutes of peace.  She wants to cuddle and that’s not in the cards when I am in front of the computer.  Kind of like why I hate letting either of them down here because all they do is nag me.  I know they enjoy being next to me and around me but damn it gets to be a bit much.  Didn’t help things that when I did let her in my lap she wiped her rear end on my arm.  She loves to do that but normally there isn’t any evidence left behind and this time there was. 

I’ve moved some money into savings, schedule a bill payment and updated my finances since we got paid a couple days early.  My pay raise amounted to an extra $80 after taxes.  Whoopy.  It looks like the extra money is a lot on paper but when you boil it down after taxes it’s not much.  Which reminds me I need to update my retirement account so that next check that $80 goes to it instead of me.  I’m doing fine on what I was making prior to getting a raise. 

That’s pretty much it for Saturday.  Tomorrow I’ll do the usual breakfast, target, grocery store and gas up.  Got some laundry to knock out and the house to clean which didn’t get done last weekend due to my poor back.  It’s feeling better now but I’m not pushing my luck.  Still very pleased when I look outside and see a semi-clean deck and sidewalk, looking at that won’t ever get old. 

Once I get away from the computer it’s back to the TV for the night.  Next week looks like it’s going to suck.  However, I’ll just take it one day at a time and try not to freak out.  The mistake maker had an early day yesterday and left me to cover things with just an hours notice and by email nevertheless.  No picking up the phone.  Common Courtesy as well as Common Sense just isn’t common anymore.  Damn Millennials!

Take care and keep cool & hydrated!

Don’t Pick Up The Phone

Morning … I hope all is well.  Watched a bizarre mini series on Netflix last night called Don’t Pick Up The Phone.  It’s about a hoax phone call to restaurants [mostly fast food] where the caller would claim to be a police officer, accuse a female employee of theft and then get their manager to strip search them and in at least one case have the victim preform a sex act.  It’s something that I never ever heard of and something that you think would clearly standout as fraud or a hoax but multiple people participated in it.  One guy ruined a lot of peoples lives with his hoax.  If you like true crime or mystery you’d be interested in this 3 part series.  Take about 3 hours give or take to watch the whole thing. 

Looks like a jury has been picked in the James Crumbly trial and they are starting.  I will watching this off and on as it plays out.  I suspect the trial will be at least a full week if not slightly longer.  Very interesting to see how this will turn out. 

I’ve been hooked on court proceedings ever since the Jennifer Crumbly trial.  I’ve been watching a Judge out of District Court in Michigan.  He is entertaining and reminds me of an old colleague that I used to work with, who passed away a couple years ago.  The judge always manages to incorporate some humor and laughing in to most of his proceedings.  However, if you make him mad look out he will come for you and you won’t like it.  Yesterday a 19 year old girl appeared before him and he asked her if she wanted an attorney to represent her.  Her response shocked me, she said I don’t know what an attorney is or what they do.  The judge took time to explain it to her and she opted for an attorney.  Turns out she didn’t have her high school diploma yet.  However, I knew what an attorney was at a young age.  They were called Lawyers back in my day but by the time I turned 19 they were referred to mostly as attorneys.  Every once and a while you will find some odd ball thing that just makes watching the proceedings interesting.  Typically each day has a different topic for the docket.

My upper back has really been bothering me.  I broke out the foam roller yesterday at lunch and laid on it.  Rudy tried to help me.  He loves to poke his nose into damn near everything, it’s cute but sometimes he just makes me want to scream.  Laying on this thing helped me a little but I still struggled with the pain.  Kind of feels like something is out of place.  I know that my posture is not the best.  It was pretty good when I was younger but as I got older and lazier I just gave up and am more interested in comfort than sitting up straight.  I’ve got my massage next weekend and hope that will help to work some of this out.  Rudy gives a decent massage when he makes biscuits but I just can’t control where he pushes.  It’s usually on my stomach or upper chest and it’s typically only in the morning.  If I could train him to work on my back it would be great.  I said the same thing about my Bear back when he was alive and younger.  He was a heavy guy built more like Mora and if he pushed you felt it. 

I’ve got today and tomorrow with the boss and then he is on vacation for a week.  I got invited to a second meeting yesterday that turned out to be nothing but people chasing their tails, talking over each other and it was a huge waste of time.  However, I was there.  Unless something comes up, were done with meetings for this week.  I already know one I have to go to next week that I won’t enjoy.

I managed to get an early start because Rudy woke me up an hour early and that was after I had a bit of insomnia last night.  When he’s hungry he is hungry.  I’ve knocked out all of my work for the entire day and unless something comes rolling in that needs my attention I can pretty well sit back, watch TV and relax for the day.  Got to gather and take out the trash.  We have nothing but non stop rain for the next 48 hours and that won’t be any fun, but they say we need the rain.  My lawn is starting to shape up and look like it’s ready for a cut, it won’t be much longer. 

Hoping for a relaxing and quiet day.  This week is moving by rather quickly and that is always a good thing.  I keep thinking about that Mexican food I spoke of yesterday.  I’ve already got my order in my head and am looking forward to it. 

Talk with you all again soon, take care!

Last day for work this week

Good Morning!  I hope it’s a great day for you. 

Yesterday had some minor stress.  That meeting I was running I got tongue tied and that was frustrating but I managed to snap out of it.  I am overwhelmed with compliments about how great I run meetings but yet I still hate it.  I don’t like being the center of attention.  However, I’ve been to enough meetings that I know how they should run, how to get started and how to get it over with.  Generally speaking no one likes meetings and that for sure includes me. 

During my lunch break yesterday Rudy wanted to play with his sister and she wasn’t up for it.  That resulted in a fight and I was able to corner and grab Rudy to break it up.  He just melted and went to sleep.  I don’t like any animal fights especially when they are in my house and I am the one who has to pay the bill if something happens. 

My allergies were on full blast yesterday.  There isn’t any pollen in the air so it’s what’s in the house that I am allergic to, if not the house it’s self.  In any case I took a Benadryl and that fixed things up nice.  Problem is it made me sleepy.  I stayed the course as long as I could.  I took a second pill and my sleeping pill.  Then went to bed, no cat nip for Mora & Rudy but they didn’t seem to mind.  Mora came to lay with me and it wasn’t terribly long I was out.  Damn I slept real good.  I had a couple of moments where I would wake up but I managed to fall back to sleep.  Very interesting dreams and I had the best Chicken sandwich of my life in the dream it had Bacon, Cheese and Ranch dressing. 

I rolled out of bed early waking up the cats which is something new.  They looked confused.  I assured them I was up for breakfast.  I took care of both of us.  Got in some morning play and petting.  Looked at the phone, nothing major going on.  It’s all in all a light day.  I still have to keep watch for any problems that crop up.  I’ve completed my morning tasks and then some.  Now comes the part of the day where I look to occupy myself and that’s not easy.  This is where the day starts to lag and suck. 

I will surf the internet and check up on email.  Stare at my work computer and eventually give up and go upstairs.  Get comfy in a chair watch TV and have my phone & laptop close by.  I will dose off and some idiot will wake me by sending an email and that will go on for a while until I snap back to an awake status.  Then presuming I don’t have to come back down, I will get up and have lunch.  Then relax a bit more and come back to work after lunch.

I’ve got a late afternoon task to take care of, hopefully all goes well there.  Then it’s just monitoring for the rest of the evening and I will be off Thursday & Friday.  I will turn off work email tomorrow when I get up and I won’t turn it back on until late in the evening on Friday so that I can reasonably try to enjoy my time away. 

How exciting is that?  Nothing good in the DVR queue for recording.  I am watching a lot of documentary series on HBO that are the work of HBO and CNN.  Most are really good.  Warmer weather today going from the 20’s and 30’s to the 50’s.  We get some rain in the next few days and that’s as far as I know.  While the weather is predicted you never actually know what is going to happen for certain until it does because the weather is much like a cat, fickle. 

Speaking of cats, I need to trim claws.  I’ve been started to get injured and when a cat scratch heals damn it itches like crazy.  Makes me want to chop or cut, anything to get rid of the itch.  On rare occasions I am able to ignore it.  If I can do that and not scratch it the itch will go away.  First scratch and the itching only gets worse, usually I think of that after the fact and not before.  It’s just a normal reaction to scratch.  Kind of like when I was much younger and got my first and only case of poison ivy.  That was a mess even with prescription drugs.  Get me around some ivy with 3 leaves and if I come in contact with it I will do a Silkwood scrub down and wash everything I was wearing.  Now I am just wanting to scratch just thinking about itching. 

Guess I should go watch some TV and look at food commercials.  Need to weight myself this morning to check on my progress.  My thanksgiving friends did notice remarkable weight loss but didn’t say anything until I mentioned it.  I think the 20 pounds I lost is my plateau and I expect that to vary but I don’t expect to loose more given my mostly inactive lifestyle.  However, if I change my ways and become more active then I am sure I will probably loose more.  I’d like to get back to pre-pandemic weight but that is a large (no pun intended) ask. 

I’m listening to Mannheim Steamroller on Spotify, that brings back some memories.  Discovered them with my late spouse and we used to listen to them around the holidays.  I got into their music a bit more and wound up buying several CD’s which he would borrow on occasion.  I still have them along with every other damn CD that I ever bought.  Lots of money tied up in Compact Discs, Cassette Tapes, Records and VHS Tapes.  If I could turn all of that into cash I would be doing pretty good.  I never saw or thought everything would be digital and streaming but it was interesting to be along for the ride and the advancement of technology.  I know I am not alone I’m sure some of you have some physical media audio, video or both. 

Talk with you all again soon. 

Birthday of not happy

Hello and welcome, thanks for stopping by!

Today is my late spouses birthday.  If he were alive he would be old today.  In some ways I am thankful that there are issues that I didn’t have to deal with but at the same time I feel like I was cheated out of time with him.  He’s only been gone for 10 years and a lot can and did happen in those 10 years.  Regardless, I know that he would be proud of the progress I have made.  He would be saddened and heart broken (as am I) to know that all of our original cats have passed.  I’m glad that he didn’t have to see any of them go but at the same time I wish he was with me when they did because it would have been a little bit more comforting.  I remember that last major birthday that we celebrated together.  I made a video wishing him a happy birthday, back with my first web cam and I also recorded his reaction to the edible arrangement that I got for him, it was over the top and he unwrapped it and the two of us sat at the kitchen table for 30 minutes to an hour just eating fruit.  Damn it was good but it was expensive. I’m glad that I did it and spent the money.  The memories truly are priceless!

It’s a bitter sweet day for me.  However, I am glad that I am the survivor because there is no way in the world that I believe he would have been able to continue with life without me.  Lord knows what would have happened to the cats, I know he loved them but I just picture him physically and mentally shutting down.  It’s something I will never know how it would have turned out.  However, I wish that we (including the cats) could have all gone together so that there would be no sorrow or suffering by any of us.  I am certain the cats missed him and to this very day I still miss him. 

It does get easier with time to deal with but it’s still difficult.  A couple weeks ago I had a sleep paralysis dream, that he died and I was all alone.  When I finally was able to break free and wake up, it was like waking up just days after he passed.  It was all suddenly fresh again and I really was alone.  Talk about your sobering reminders.  That really sucked.  It’s still kind of fresh today. 

My belief is that were all here to serve a purpose or a mission, when that is fulfilled then we die.  His purpose or mission is clear to me.  However, mine is not and I still wonder why in the world I am still here.  I’m not exactly bubbling with joy, no far from it.  I am miserable but just try to make the best of it.  Putting on a brave face and just sticking one foot in front of the other.  Going to bed more often than not hoping that I don’t wake up.  I don’t have high hopes for finding another companion much less having sex.  I think however long I am here it’s just going to continue to suck until one day I am no more.

Not exactly an upbeat post but it’s how I feel.  I don’t know if there is enough drugs or therapy in the world to turn things around for me.  Meeting the right person could and would turn things around, short of that unless I happen to stumble into winning the lottery I’m fucked and not in a good way.  Just feeling a bit more alone today than normal. 

Thinking of taking a trip to the buffet or at the very least a decent long drive just to get out of the area but not until tomorrow.  The most difficult part of that will be actually getting out of the house and moving forward with the idea.  I know it will help me even if it’s supposed to rain all day. 

I do hope that the outlook from your neck of the woods on life is 100% better than mine.  Depression and loneliness isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.  Have a great weekend.  Thanks for reading my no so uplifting words today.  Your visit is very much appreciated.  

Hump Day–Regular Post

 Colby Knox – Southwest Boys Group Fuck

Howdy how are you doing today?  Glad to see you stopped by.  Today’s photo is from Colby Knox and their latest scene release with Southwest College Boys.  The scene looks to be red hot and I am eager to watch.

It’s been a bitch of a day.  My insomnia got me up early, I tried to go back to sleep but it was no use.  I had a lot of tasks to take care of this morning and it wasn’t something I looked forward to.  I saw the request come in late yesterday afternoon and I automatically deferred it to tomorrow.  Famous last words.  Tomorrow actually comes for somethings and you can’t put them off until someday, because that day never comes around.  I had a real gem to deal with first though.  I worked with an internal resource to get an order placed for something we need and have a low supply.  I put my request in last year because I knew that it was only a matter of time.  This person is known for dragging their feet.  Look I don’t think they actually placed the order because it doesn’t take over a year to get what we need, maybe a few weeks to a month tops.  It’s always like pulling teeth and this person is a Manager.  I woke up to another one of their excuse emails, hey I didn’t forget you I am still checking on the order.  Bullshit, you never fucking placed it, just man up and tell me.  I know when someone is telling me it’s raining outside because they are peeing on my leg.  I had it.  I went to my boss and told him enough of the BS and games, were critically low and we need this.  Can you compel this person or have the higher ups compel this person to fucking do their job and place the order.  I used rather colorful language without cussing to make my point.  I had hoped my boss would forward the email to his boss but damn he didn’t.  Instead I got a response I feel you and I am going to try to take care of this and place the order myself.  Yeah well good fucking luck.  Then after that I plowed through all of those tasks that I put off and then the morning shit show began.  All sorts of wacky strange problems starting flowing up.  Sprinkled in with email requests, I need this now, take care of this for me, hey can you help me with this.  My circuits were overloaded.  I was hopping here, jumping there and trying to remember how to focus. 

Of course what time was it, meeting time.  Something urgent came in and I had to take care of that.  Which resulted in me spending part of my afternoon dealing with someone who decided to travel but not tell anyone until they were overseas and couldn’t connect.  Wow, my bladder started itching for attention.  I just couldn’t get away.  More time passed.

Finally lunch time.  Well actually bathroom break then lunch.  I was looking forward to lunch.  I had two soft pretzels.  I bought some Tostito’s Nacho Cheese.  I never had it before, one taste and I was so sorry I bought it instead of the queso .  Thank God tomorrow is trash day because that shit is going out.  I’ll grab the queso when I get to the store on Sunday.  Holy cow.  Plain pretzels, not so bad.  I had to hurry because don’t you know as soon as I sat down to eat, more email came pouring in and there was a high priority request, which is the aforementioned person who traveled.  Then an executive reached out for help.  I was just juggling.  Then the cats got into it upstairs and one of them was crying like they were seriously hurt.  I went to go check on them and they both came running to the stairs, like hey can we come down or are you coming back up?  Don’t kill each other, go lay down.  Back to work for me.  The cats were confined to upstairs, which isn’t so bad. 

Had a 1pm meeting but wasn’t able to make it, aw shucks.  Kept on plugging away at work and putting out fires.  Finally got caught up around 2:30p.  Hallelujah!  Finally time to surf for porn and goof off.  Which I usually do in the morning before things really get hopping. 

Things are calm at the moment and I am kind of afraid to go up because the cats will need attention and then I figure more crap will happen at work and it will turn into another late night.  I want to be able to relax and get back to writing to escape the madness of this world.  Hopefully, that will happen and I can find something good for supper in the freezer.  Fingers crossed.

Just before my insomnia kicked in I had a dream where my late spouse was alive, I was talking with him, I could touch him.  I never knew in the dream that he passed.  We even had sex.  Then reality set in when I woke up.  It’s been 10 long years, damn I still miss that man.  The heart wants, what the heart wants.  It’s not possible but tell that to my heart.  Every now and then I get a dose of reality like that or I will have the thought that he is coming home or I need to check with him.  Then I remember, nope.  I think writing out sexual fantasies of guys that I have crushes on contributed to my dream.  In a very small way it kind of feels like I am cheating.  I don’t feel that way about porn.  I can only imagine how I will feel if I am ever lucky enough to “get lucky” again be it with casual sex or with something long term.  I want a guy but who knows if something will ever actually click, I sure do hope so and I hope that psychologically it doesn’t mess with me. 

That’s about it for the regular post of the day.  Between AT&T last night and the BS from today I am not exactly in a chipper mood, but you probably didn’t know that by my sunny disposition, right?  Yeah I am being a smart ass, I mean who wants to be a dumb ass?  There I did it again.  Now if I keep on doing that I might just perk up and snap out of it. 

Two more days, here’s hoping I can hold it together and the weekend is quiet as normal.  Hope you had a great day and that your evening is enjoyable as well.  Talk with you all again soon.  Seriously, thank you for your readership, it means the world to me.  Cheers!

Stress … It’s a killer

Yesterday was another hair on fire type day.  It started off normal and calm but just before lunch it got a little busy.  I had time to eat and then all hell broke loose and I was busy well past my quitting time. 

Needless to say there were no happy campers here.  I was obviously unhappy and exhausted, the cats missed me and wondered if I was ever coming upstairs.  I was also behind in getting the trash out. 

My sugar started to drop and like a dumb ass I just powered through it because I was almost at the end.  Yeah I was also pretty close to passing out.  There I go again killing myself for a job that would replace me tomorrow if I dropped dead today.  I just really wanted to be done and get upstairs. 

My inbox continued to overflow but I created a F-IT folder and moved everything from the inbox to the folder.  I took care of that folder and cleanup this morning. 

Thankfully I wasn’t bothered at all with on-call crap and was able to enjoy my evening. 

For supper I had a Lean Cuisine Ricotta & Spinach Ravioli.  It’s in a tomato sauce and I had it as soon as I got upstairs, no medicine I had to work on getting my sugar up.  After that I had some Butter Pecan Ice Cream.  The sauce did have a slight spice to it but I love this dish and have been eating it for weeks now.  It’s never caused any issues, until last night. 

After I was done Rudy was after me to take a break and spend time with him and his sister.  I did just that.  We watched TV for a 1/2 hour and then I had to get up get my evening medicine and work on the trash. 

When I came in from taking the trash out, I had this intense burning in my chest, it felt like I was on fire.  I took an anti-acid pill and drank a Sprite Zero.  That helped to calm things down but it took a bit.  I figured it was just a reaction to what I had for supper and no big deal. 

This morning I had the same feeling after I ate breakfast, which was nothing more than Milk, Oatmeal, a slice of Danish and a Banana. Not what I would consider to be spicy at all.  It’s kind of the run of the mill day of the week breakfast for me.  I took an anti-acid pill again and am drinking chilled water.  The burning has subsided. 

I am wondering if this is something that is going to continue and what in the world is wrong with me.  The first thing I looked up was an ulcer and I don’t have all of the signs.  I also saw that it could be stomach cancer.  See why I hate to look for medical stuff on the internet.  I think this is nothing more than stress.  I am going to take an anti-acid pill for a bit and see what happens.  If this continues I’ve got a doctors appointment in a few weeks and will bring it up. 

If it is an ulcer I will have to stop taking NSAID’s for my back and that will suck because then my back will really hurt.  This all started coincidentally when I had a regular Ibuprofen pill instead of a liquid gel capsule because I ran out.  My health insurance has a new benefit that started last year where you can order OTC medical stuff from this catalog and you have an allowance to spend for the year.  One of the many things I got was Ibuprofen.  I need to look through the catalog to place an order for this year.  I’m sure they have acid reducers.  It is a nice benefit to have.

This morning I had to make a decision to jump into some work that I could put off until Monday or to start it today, since Friday’s are typically calm but then again Monday’s usually are as well but that is not always the case.  I figured it’s been a hell of a week with stress and work I am going to take some time to relax.  I’ll deal with the work on Monday at least I won’t be on-call. 

Now more than ever before I am so looking forward to the weekend.  I want at least one day to not think about work.  I have to get up early on Sunday to do some testing, which of course I hate but it’s part of where my on-call falls.  Last year I managed to mostly avoid it but this year not so lucky.  I am the one who prepares the on-call schedule so you’d think I would stack the deck but nah I play fair.  No matter who gets this task they hate it.  One guy gets up early and takes care of it.  The other waits until closer to late in the morning almost afternoon to take care of it.  I am the only one who gets up as soon as possible to knock this out of the way.  It’s only about a 1/2 hour difference in my normal wake up time and I want to get to breakfast so that is my motivation. 

Yesterday when I had quiet time before all hell broke loose I opted to subscribe to Ring to stop the nag screen from showing up each and every time I went to view the cameras.  I didn’t know they would still continue the trial period and not bill me until it was over or I would have signed up way sooner.  That is awful nice of them because most companies once you sign up your trial period is over.  I for sure plan to add additional cameras but this is not the month to do it.  I’ve got lots of unplanned expenses where this or that renews and I’m not strapped for cash but I try to live on what I earn and not have to dip into savings as much as possible.  My end goal is to tuck away what is left over.  I’ve already got a certain dollar amount that comes out of my first check just for savings.  It’s really building and right now I have more in the bank than I have ever had in my entire life.  It’s not much by any means but I am super proud of it and trying like hell to protect it, like a goalie on fire.  That is not an easy job but it’s there for a rainy day or unplanned expense. 

Speaking of money.  I am really upset over the Mont Blanc Pen I want.  The damn thing has climbed again in price.  It started in the $300 range over the pandemic, then jumped into the $400 range earlier this year.  Today it’s $519 and I really wish I would have parted with $300 when I first wanted it.  It’s only going to increase but I keep an eye on it.  I tell myself if it falls in price I will buy it.  But I honestly don’t want to spend $400 or $500 on a pen that will just get added to a collection and not used a whole lot.  I’ve got so many pens and ink refills they will easily last me my lifetime if they don’t all dry up first.  Pens are the least of my vices but they do cost money like all hobbies.  I’ve got lots of vices but oddly none of them involve drugs, drinking or smoking.  We all have vices and that’s just the way it is. 

I am looking forward to getting a nice night of rest and that will happen thanks to drugs, then getting up early getting a shower, breakfast out I think then on to see my friends.  I’ve got some gifts to pass out that will catch them off guard.  After that the pet food store for sure is on the list of things to do because I am cutting it way close they are almost out of food but we can last today and part of tomorrow, possibly into Sunday morning but after that I will be out.  Not to worry no matter what the cats won’t go hungry so long as I have a pulse. 

My body is drained and I am just spent physically and emotionally.  This week has sucked quiet a bit of life out of me.  Shame it was done by a man and enjoyable but I guess that is something to continue to strive for.  Yes, that’s me and my odd ball sense of humor.  I’m exhausted not dead. 

I slept pretty good last night for a while but then I got the urge to get up and eat Oreos at 2a.  I watched a motorcycle pursuit in LA on YouTube live just before I nodded off.  I found out when I woke up at 2a they eventually got the guy.  It was a time consuming process but it’s all about dedication, if you stick with it eventually you will get the person.  From what I see on YT if your ever in AR they will chase you even at high rates of speed and they will catch you.  AR law enforcement doesn’t give up.  It’s dangerous but it does make for a good video to watch.  I just don’t understand why people think they can get away.  If they get your plate regardless if they get you today, they will get you eventually.  It’s all entertainment to me but to think it plays out in real life is actually kind of scary for everyone involved.  It’s an easy way to injury or kill an innocent person. 

Well I’m starting to babble so I am going to stick a fork in this.  Hopefully today is the better day that I have been looking for.  I am going to surf for some porn and then take my orange break.  After that it’s anyone’s guess as to what I will be up to.  It for sure is a nap kind of a day and I feel it already starting to call my name. 

Here’s hoping you have a great day and wonderful weekend.  I will talk with you all again soon.  Be well and stay safe. 

Thursday babble

Howdy … It’s Friday Eve again. It means that I need to gather and set the trash out. Prepare for the march of the Trash Trucks in the morning to wake me up. I’m hoping I can sleep through it. It’s also a light day typically for me. I’ve already got my morning tasks out of the way and I’m sitting waiting for something to happen. I’ve got a meeting to attend this afternoon if it’s not cancelled and that will be my day. The difficult person I was dreading working with yesterday turned out to not say a word to me so it was a cool, calm and collective day. I also managed to get in a mid-morning nap with the kids. We all passed the hell out. It was difficult to get up and get going. However, that impacted my ability to fall asleep last night as well as being able to stay asleep during the night.

Rudy made a large batch of biscuits this morning and slept on top of me until I gave in and finally got out of bed. He’s all about the food. Morea doesn’t much care about food except for now and then. She lets him pig out and then she goes in after what is left, unless she is super hungry then it’s a contest between both of them as to who’s going to finish the can first. Morea was all about attention yesterday and just couldn’t get enough of it. She was crying, at my feet a lot and in and out of my lap. She got sick and I don’t know if she still didn’t feel good or if she was trying to beg for forgiveness. I don’t yell when they get sick, it’s just something that happens to cats. I clean it up and move on, totally not their fault. However, last night she kept taking my chair when I would get up to check the microwave. I caught her at one point trying to jump on the table and that’s when I lost it. The chair is fine but don’t go getting on the table. There are all sorts of dangers up there and she would be like a running bull in a China shop and lots of stuff would fall on the floor. It’s bad enough she hangs out underneath my chair when I eat, just waiting for a crumb to fall. I really have to watch it when I put my medication out. This morning Rudy smelled the fact that I had milk in a mug and he wanted some. I told him milk wasn’t for cats. He just looked at me funny as if to say, aw come on I love the stuff. Yeah but your insides don’t and I’m not dealing with that. Cats are lactose intolerant in case you didn’t know. Some cats can tolerate small amount of milk but the vast majority wind up with all sorts of gastric issues.

You mind find this as odd but I picked up a habit from my late grandfather in that I look at the obituaries on a regular basis. I have an email alert that fires once a day and I get 2 emails but that doesn’t always catch all of the people I know. Last night I found that one of my late spouses neighbors passed away. She was an amazing lady from the stories I heard about her and she apparently moved away from the area. She lived to a very old age and got to enjoy many years of retirement, which is a goal I think all of us would like to reach at some point. She had a job with an outstanding pension and that helped. Pensions have gone out with high button shoes and now the majority of retirement savings is 401K or Roth IRA’s. You might get a match from your employer but honestly if it was up to me I would much rather have a pension, it’s hidden money that you can’t touch and something that you know you can count on one day. I couldn’t help but think of my late spouse when I saw her name. It’s sad that people pass, usually it’s the nice ones and the people who make life miserable seem to live forever, at least that has been my experience.

With time on my hands yesterday just waiting for the close of the day to roll around, I opted to start brushing up my resume. I’ve got this table in my resume that looks great but it’s a nightmare to update. I copied the format from a former blogger many moons ago. That resume has worked magic to get me interviews or have conversations. People are just blown away and truly impressed by it. I want to rework the table but my word skills with tables sucks. Trying to tell Google what I want to accomplish and getting instructions are next to impossible. I’m keeping an eye out for other jobs and I’d like to be ready if I find something that I am truly interested in. While I will probably stay put, you just never know if there is a great opportunity that comes to light that I won’t let it pass me up. I’d like to either stay local to my area or be able to continue to work remote. I keep hearing my inner voice say it’s time to move on but it’s mostly frustration that I am dealing with over things that I can’t control and that won’t change. Were always going to have plenty of meetings, politics and ass hats to work with. I am sure I will find that most any place that I go. I think that this year I will be celebrating 9 long years and it’s the longest that I have ever stayed at one organization. If I can make it to 10 years I will get a nice bonus and I do look forward to that. However, I’ve put up with a lot of BS in that 9 years and quite frankly I am growing tired. I do think heavily about the pros and cons. I’m comfortable and that’s typically when you get complacent and moving on becomes more of a chore. I like the longevity and the many things that I accomplished on my own with no help. This job is the only job I’ve held since my spouse passed away and it took some miracle working on my part to land here, so while I have wanted to leave for many years I always manage to talk myself off the ledge. I’m positive that he is truly proud of me for landing this, despite not knowing about it. It’s also worked to my advantage to stay put thus far as I am making the most money I’ve ever made in my entire life and if I mess up and lose this, I will truly be in a world of hurt. There has never in my life been so much riding on my employment. It’s scary when I think about it. I am most thankful that I have a job and that they have been understanding during difficult times and when I’ve been seriously ill. I kind of feel like I am looking a gift horse in the mouth but at the same time I want to be happy. I don’t know that I will ever enjoy working for a living, I’d like to trade that in for a winning lottery ticket because I do not now nor do I think I will ever have enough money saved to retire on. I tell everyone that I will be working up until lunch time on the day of my funeral. I really don’t want that to be a true statement but I think it probably is. I don’t think that it’s wrong to look but I do think twice before I go through the task of applying and not having an up to date resume has thus far kept me from doing anything that I will regret. I’ve talked it over with others before and it’s probably best to stay put at least for now. However, I’m the poor SOB that has to deal with all of this and I’ve kept my mouth from spewing my frustrations out but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to stay quiet and not start screaming. Like I said I will probably stay put but I am still looking to see if there is something that might be worthwhile.

It hit me yesterday when I was updating my resume, the calls from my boss I got a few months ago asking about the timing of my promotion wasn’t because I was getting another one it was to time my colleagues promotion and we both spent roughly the same amount of time in the entry level job before being promoted to a senior level role. I feel like I earned my move and went through much more hell than he ever will and that I am smarter and stronger because of that. Yeah I’ve got a personal beef with him but looking at it through a professional lens I still don’t feel that it was right for him to get promoted. I know he wants to have another kid and well I want a Rolls Royce and a Rolex watch but I’ll never have them. People in hell want ice water as the saying goes. I think he got his promotion because the timing was right and the organization didn’t want to lose him but he wasn’t looking to leave. I think unless things get really uncomfortable for him that he will probably be there for a very long time.

Perhaps the cure to my troubles is finding a man and well I haven’t resumed looking. It is on my to do list and I plan to get to it soon.  It’s much like applying for a job but way more awkward. You’re vetting the person, making sure that your compatible and a lot of it’s based on vibes and conversation that you have. Both looking for a man and a job are quite exhausting. Also, the longer I wait the more age is working against me or so I think. I know one thing is that I am not happy and I’m kind of the only one who can change that. There isn’t anyone who can or will do it for me. Finding Mr. Right is quite a challenge and I already have predisposed myself to the fact that I will probably always be alone. Just like with a cat I am not looking for a replacement, I am looking for a new guy. Thinking in terms of replacement there isn’t anyone who will ever measure up so it's like a losing battle. If you look at it as looking for a new that’s a different game and it gives me a much better attitude and outlook. Dating is a game and I’m not a game player. I don’t know that I will ever have the right words but it doesn’t stop me from trying. I much prefer in person contact than relying on an app. Which is kind of why I ask waiters out it’s a bold move and it takes a lot of guts. I’m proud that I have been able to go through that even though the results have been less than promising. I’m never up for rejection or hurt but I know it’s part of the game.

Okay enough babble for one day. I am thinking of going up to sit with the kids and take another one of those mid-morning naps. It’s a cold rainy day and it’s perfect sleeping weather. I know that if I do that my phone will start going bananas just like yesterday. The damn thing has eyes in it. When I want it to alert me or ring it doesn’t but it’s when I don’t want it to bother me that it does.

I am hoping that the quiet theme continues through the weekend and that I am able to enjoy my down time. I also hope that you’re doing well and life is treating you fair. Take care and we will talk again soon. Be well.

Magic Mike 3

  Hello again!  I’m super horny today and seeing this hot guy photo makes me think all sorts of impure thoughts!  He sure is gorgeous!  Speaking of which I saw an advertisement there is another Magic Mike Movie that will be out February 10th in theatres.  I’ll probably go see it and who knows maybe that is where I will meet a guy.  Doubtful but still possible. 

My hormones are in overdrive because I organized more porn yesterday, this time it was scenes into their respective studio folders.  I am a neat nick and like to have things just so so.  I’ve been that way for most of my life.  It’s a habit that I picked up when I was young.  Not sure about you but I get the urge to clean and then regardless if something needs cleaning or not, I start and I don’t stop until I drop.  It’s like a burst of energy & desire hits me and away I go. 

Yesterday was stressful and a very late day.  That was mostly because my dumb co-worker was sick along with his entire family.  Today he’s better but his kid is still sick so he has to be a caretaker.  I’ve got no sympathy for him.  He’s the guy who ditched me when I needed someone to talk to as Gator was dying.  He doesn’t deal with grief.  Ever since then I have held a grudge and really don’t care much for him.  I’d like to get over that but I just can’t bring myself to let it go.  Mostly because we have talked about unpleasant things like death in the past I lost 2 cats and he lost a pet as well.  It wasn’t a problem then.  However, now all of a sudden it is.  I don’t buy it at all.  You can’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.  He fucked me over and that’s not something I can just sweep under the rug and pretend like it never happened.  As a result our so called “friendship” has suffered.  We used to talk multiple times per day about any and everything, now we hardly talk at all and if so it’s all related to business.  He is very much a co-worker in my book now and NOT a friend.  I still say that if I ever meet him in person I’m going to kick him in the nuts and even that probably wouldn’t make me terribly happy. I really wish this situation would have never presented it’s self, we really had a good thing going.  I also wish that I kind of knew this in advance so I wouldn’t have invested so much time and shared so many deeply personal details with this person.  I can’t exactly hit the delete or forget button, it doesn’t work that way.  This is just another reminder to me that co-workers really are not your friends no matter how much they present to be or how much I’d like them to be, it just isn’t so.  That’s not to say that you can’t make a true genuine friend at work, it’s just very rare these days. 

The morning is going to be busy since were short staffed.  However, I just looked at my calendar and I’m good after lunch, nothing planned or scheduled.  I might take some extra time then.  Thus far late evenings means little time to relax, spend with the cats and before you know it I’m right back here working again. 

My back is killing me again and I have been getting some headaches.  My back is due to being in front of the computer and my sedentary lifestyle and because the cats like to sleep with me so I get to sleep in interesting positions.  The headaches are related to this damn smell and the aggravation of my sinuses.  The smell appears to be decreasing a bit or so I think.  I’ve got so many scent cover ups in place it’s honestly hard to tell.  Between the cover ups like air fresheners and candles as well as the smell it’s self my sinuses/allergies are a mess.  I will be happier when or if this smell ever leaves. 

I’m really looking forward to the weekend.  Just not having to be in front of this machine, being able to sleep in a little bit.  I need to get to the post office during working hours, which I think is doable.  I look forward to eating out both for breakfast and an evening meal.  I’m thinking this will be a pizza weekend just not sure if I will stay local or travel.  Something to think about.  There is a steakhouse that I’d like to visit as well so I might do that instead.  Not that I would eat steak.  They have some large onion rings that look so damn good.  It’s a long drive for just that.  I might do it but they don’t open until 4 in the afternoon.  Whereas the pizza places are all open at 11a so I could go anytime.  I have to be mindful that I am on-call but typically it’s radio silence but I don’t like to tempt fate. 

I’ve got 1 prescription showing up today from Amazon and the other one should come rolling in tomorrow.  Not sure why it took them so long to get them in a state where I could fill them but I knew that it would all work out eventually.  The post office has my other sleeping medicine but with the new pharmacy it looks like I have to sign for it.  I’ve got a signature on file with the post office for minor items so not exactly sure if it will be waiting for me in my box or if they will actually make me sign, either way I plan to get there during working hours so it won’t be a problem. 

The trash people were supposed to be pushing their route back by 1 day which means that trash day would be Saturday.  I’ve yet to get an automated phone call and unless I hear otherwise I plan to put trash out on my normal pickup day.  I would rather it sit there an extra day than run the risk of missing pickup all together.  Having cats makes for extra trash and well it doesn’t smell like roses or a variation thereof.  Oddly by myself I could miss 1 or probably 2 pickups before the bin was overflowing but I never tried that.  I remember with Gator we miss a pickup once and it was pretty close to filling up, she was tiny compared to the 2 monsters I have now. 

Speaking of the monsters they seem to have adjusted really well to their new home.  I found some puke last night so I know it’s not the old dry food that was causing this.  I think it’s from frequent grooming.  I need to have some time to break out the brush and go over both of them really well.  Hopefully they permit it and that helps to clear this up.  I’m not used to what I call full blown maintenance in that you have to brush the cat at least 1 time per week, you have to take time each day to play, you have to do this and that.  I’m old and after working all day the last thing I want to do is brush a cat or play.  I know it’s all part of what I signed up for.  Which proves I really didn’t think my decision all the way through.  I know I’ve got the option to throw my hands up and walk away at anytime but I didn’t get them to just throw in the towel.  I like the way Rudy looks at me, it’s like he sees into my soul and knows how much I am hurting.  He is always the one to greet me on the steps when I open the door and he chatters a bit.  He actually looks more forward to seeing me than his sister.  However, I’ve started to enjoy seeing them both and coming home to them be it from a day downstairs working or leaving and returning home is honestly something I look forward to. 

As for me & my depression, I still miss my family and I’m sure that is a feeling that will be with me as long as long as I am alive.  I really do hope there is an afterlife and that we get to see each other again but I’ve got mixed feelings if that will actually happen or not.  I won’t say I am over Gator’s loss but it still all seems surreal.  Last night I saw a cat come in my room and it was a reaction where I said hi Gator.  That bothered me but I realize it’s also completely normal.  I get periods of being lonely that I never really had much of while Gator was alive.  That’s when I long to be around people, especially someone who knows my name.  I am limited on where I can go to make that happen and I don’t want to wear out my welcome or be a burden for anyone.  I feel like I am a bother despite people telling me I am not.  I’m hopeful that I can make it through the weekend w/o any issues.  As for therapy I do think I am done with the therapist I was seeing.  If I feel the need to continue I will seek out a different person.  She is just too strange of a person for me, she seems overly paranoid and has way too many demands that she places on clients.  I deal with enough issues in life and I am just not wiling to play her games.  It was nice that I was able to see someone quickly and talk a few times, that helped a little bit.

First day of February.  I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day just because it’s a reminder that I am alone, but it’s my hope that next year I have someone to celebrate with.  I’ve had that hope for many years now it would be nice if it came true. 

Well time to get ready for a meeting where we all hold hands and plan to plan and talk in circles.  I’d sooner stick my head in a wood chipper.  Were short staffed and the last thing we have time for is a meeting but this goes to my point where my boss just loves meetings and to hear the sound of his own voice. 

I hope that the week is going good for you.  Hang in there, stay warm and be well.  Talk with you all again soon.

Very Expensive & Emotional Week

I’ve spent the bulk of the week hanging out at a local business in town and chatting with the owners and their staff. It helped keep me busy and away from home. I talked a bit about Gator. I know that I was a HUGE pain in their ass but I didn’t prevent or hinder their ability to conduct business and there were frequent interruptions. Work always has a way to come calling, regardless of what you do.

It was refreshing for me not to have to think about work and no one has reached out. My initial plan was to take M-W but I figured what the hell, 18 years is a long time and this is quite a profound loss in my life. Might as well take 2 additional days. So, I was out all week plus last Thursday & Friday which were scheduled in advance for me to see the doctor and have a bit of an extended weekend. I’ve still got a week and a couple days left and once the new year starts, I will begin to accrue more time.

When it comes to alcohol, I normally maybe drink 1 or 2 Pina Colada’s per year. This week I have had 2. I would like many more! I’ve spent money eating out for breakfast and dinner. One day I had lunch out but mostly I have skipped lunch all week long. My body would normally rebel and my sugar would seriously drop so I would have to eat something but not this week. I’ve deprived myself from going to the bathroom and just holding it. I really don’t care about anything.

My sexual desire has been greatly diminished for weeks now. I got the desire on back on Wednesday (I think). I watched some porn. Not to brag or gross you out but damn I shot the biggest load of my life. It was like a rocket and I’ve never in my life seen a load like that exit my body. Yeah, it felt good. I figure that things are starting to normalize. I do get pretty horny still, but I right now I don’t always act on those feelings.

I booked a trip for Thursday at a local hotel about an hour away. I had a suite with a jet tub (Jacuzzi but it wasn’t official branding). Prior to leaving town for the trip, I bought a laptop. What I wanted was out of stock and they could order it but that would take a couple extra days. I wanted a computer to take with me and didn’t want to lug along my work laptop. Primarily for security issues, if the damn thing got stolen or lost it wouldn’t be a good look for me. I do NOT like Windows 11 but that is what ships on all new machines. I played with it when I got to the hotel and got it setup. It looked neat but some of the things that I can do in Windows 10 I couldn’t do in Windows 11.

When I woke up, I was horny and normally I don’t wake up with sex on the brain since I have gotten older. It was quite common when I was younger. I used that laptop to remote in to my home computer and I watched some porn from bed and had some fun. Great way to start the day. Again it gave me a sense that things were normalizing.

I haven’t had a massage in a year and figured that the jet tub would help me. Yeah, I actually fell into the tub and landed on my shoulder. It’s sore beyond belief but otherwise I am fine other than being a bit shaken and pissed off. The room in general was okay. The trip overall was nice but I didn’t quite get the escape I had hoped I was going to. It was overpriced but on-sale. I got the room for $249 but normally it’s like $500. I could have stayed 2 nights but after they add on fees and taxes it would have worked out to be ½ of my mortgage payment and I figured might as well come home. I was super disappointed they didn’t have a restaurant on-site so there was no room service. I thought I would order that for the 1^st time in my life but no such luck. I walked to a local Italian place that was recommended, they were super snooty and way overpriced. I’ve been fucked multiple times this week and each time is not enjoyable and there has been no lube. Yes, I am speaking metaphorically but I kind of figured that life would throw me a break, given the circumstances. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

I’ve made arrangements through my EAP to see a therapist and my first session was yesterday. The therapist is a bit of a ditz, she doesn’t pay close enough attention and she asks questions that were already answered if she would just listen. Based on our initial meeting I like her somewhat. It sounds like she has some different approaches to dealing with grief than what I have been through before. She tells me that I will get to the angry stage, yeah, I think I’ve kind of already been there. My employer will pay for a few visits so this won’t be something long term because she doesn’t take my insurance. Honestly if I think I still need to talk to someone I can always find a therapist on my own it’s just making time to see them and re-telling my story which does tend to get old after a while.

My dumb brother checked up on me, much to my surprise he was the last person I expected to hear from and don’t know that he will continue to follow up. We had a super short text message exchange. My thanksgiving friends have yet to follow up since I met up for lunch on Monday and I had to push to make that lunch happen, I almost didn’t have a place to land which was frustrating. So far as I know were still on for Christmas.

I’ve got mail all piled up around here and plenty of stuff to take care of, none of which I want to deal with. Today is the first day that I have spent any length of time at home. It’s kind of odd and boy this place is sure super quiet without my noise maker. I keep expecting her to shout out.

It’s been quite the physically and emotionally draining week. My body doesn’t permit me to sleep in much I am usually up by 7 or at the latest 8. Normally in a hotel I sleep like a baby but not in the place I went to. It was noisy and I forgot about that aspect of staying in a hotel. I woke up multiple times.

My shoulder pain got worse so I went to the ER last night. I got to see a helicopter land. I feel really bad for the person and their family that they called it for. You don’t just call for a helicopter unless it’s something uber critical. That’s how my spouse was transferred to a better hospital when he had his 2^nd stroke. I figured I would be in this place for 4 hours. Nope it was only 2. I guess maybe I do have some good luck. Nothing is broken, torn or out of place. I’ve also got the early on set of Arthritis, but that isn’t an emergency. They kicked me out and told me to take OTC pain relivers. My bigger worry is how they will code this so that my insurance pays. I think I may have a fight on my hands. I should have told the hotel that I fell but since it was my fault I didn’t bother.

Tomorrow will be my first day back since all of this unfolded. I am going to try to use today to my benefit and get stuff filed, put away and perhaps take some time to relax. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that next weekend is Christmas. I am so not ready. I don’t look forward to playing catchup but at the same time keeping busy might actually help me. My entire life is routine based and if you screw with my routines it messes up my entire day. I’ve got my next therapy session scheduled for Friday so I will get to leave work a bit early (unless I happen to be on-call, which I hope I am not. I was supposed to be on-call last week but that obviously didn’t happen.). Then a 3-day weekend, which I will kind of look forward to. Problem is that I will need to remember to do my grocery shopping on Saturday morning because the stores around here all close in the evening and they won’t be back open until after Christmas.

You may or may not be surprised at this but I went looking at cats yesterday. I managed to run into the Manager of a local Animal Shelter. After hearing my story, she encouraged me to adopt and told me that right now it would only cost me $25 some company is sponsoring adoptions so all of the normal fees are paid for. Yeah, I see the incentive and I kind of would like to bring one of them home but first there are so many of them and being the kind soul, I’d love to take them all home. However, that can’t happen. Secondly, I am still recovering from a loss and know that right now it’s way too soon. I would view a new cat as a replacement instead of a new pet and I just don’t think it would work right now. That’s not fair to the cat or to me. I did have a couple of them standout to me. One of which was a mom who just raised her kittens and they were all adopted out. She is looking for a home and kind of reminds me of My Momma cat. However, she’s not a lap cat and she doesn’t like to be picked up. She will curl up at your feet or sit next to you on the couch and she loves to be petted but other than that it’s kind of hands off. I honestly can’t take burying anyone or anything else right now. It’s just too much to absorb. I may cave and get a cat or possibly two but not right now. I need time for me and to see where I am at when I get through this grief period.

I’ve been with Gator from the moment she was born 18 years and 5 months ago until the day she died. I’d rather go back in time and start to meet her all over again but I know that’s not reality. I can’t just wipe out her memory and get over her passing with the stroke of a pen or a couple days. This is a pretty profound loss, one that I knew eventually would come and it marks the end of an era. She was my last living tie back to the life that I once had, her family and even my spouse. I’m at peace with the decision I made to let her go because it wouldn’t have been fair to her to keep her going just for my benefit. Things would have continued to worsen and I honestly don’t think her appetite would have ever returned so it would have been prolonging the inevitable. I do miss her and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I know that what is so fresh now with time will eventually fade into the background and be minimized. I do believe that I am pretty well done crying over the loss. That got old but I have to let it out, I can’t just hold it all in otherwise that would turn me into a ticking time bomb.

I do plan to eat my feelings this week, I bought all sorts of crap that I know I shouldn’t eat but damn I kind of feel like I earned it. The toughest decision tonight will be what is for dinner. I think I might have an answer but have to double check the fridge. It was nice to eat out all last week but damn that gets expensive really fast. The vet bill is paid for. I just have to pay off my laptop and the trip. The rest of the expenses like food and gas aren’t horrible and I should be able to take care of them without having to tap my savings but it’s still there is if I need it.

Here's hoping it’s a better week for me and a great week for you! Thanks again for your readership, thoughts and comments. It means more to me than you know. Take care!

Old Man Winter

Old Man Winter is here at least for the time being.  Fog, Snow, Rain and some ice in spots.  So glad that I am in the comfort of my home this morning.  However, I took one look outside and knew that I could have easily made it in to work, things didn’t look nearly as bad as they were predicted.  However, I did hear of a few accidents on the morning news, with one of them being fatal.  I’m listening to the scanner and it seems like routine calls this morning nothing extraordinary.  Normally in severe weather events a lot of policy agencies hold officers over so they have to work overtime and it’s usually due to a higher than normal volume of calls, mostly traffic crashes.  That isn’t the case here this morning.  The snow has about an hour left in the area and then it’s history.  It’s cold for the rest of this week.  Kind of makes it feel a little more like the holidays and it does bring me some comfort. 

I slept lousy last night.  With all of the issues of late I did some praying and kind of reached my breaking point where it just all had to come out.  My two major concerns at the moment are Gator and this dating issue.  Gator seems to be doing okay at the moment but I keep thinking about the day when she isn’t here with me.  It’s something I find myself worrying more and more about the older she gets.  As for me I still very much miss my family and really want someone else in my life, I can’t help but think that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I mean maybe not but right now it just hurts with what I will call a recent minor setback.  I am eager to get clarification on this over the weekend.  I don’t know if I can take rejection but I do value honesty and really don’t want this to turn into a game. 

Work is going to get busy this morning in a bit.  It’s mostly meetings this afternoon and right now I don’t see how I am going to fit in lunch but I will have to stop at some point if only for 10 minutes to wolf something down because my sugar will drop and at that point it becomes more of an emergency and I like to avoid that mostly because I feel horrible for a very long time.  I was shocked on Saturday morning I woke up and checked my sugar before I ate and I was at 77, that is super low for me.  I felt perfectly fine.  The multiple meds I am on for blood sugar control really works wonders and it’s what has brought my sugar down and kept me in compliance.  It’s for sure not my diet because I eat pretty much what I want to. 

Scrolling through my YouTube feed last night I saw a video tour of the Late Aaron Carter’s home that is for sale.  Damn it’s really super nice inside and there is plenty of room for a family to live in comfort.  Sadly I learned in the last few days that he died without a will, which means the state of CA decides who gets what.  His son is #1 in line as next of kin since he wasn’t married.  I can’t believe that someone along the way didn’t bother to tell him to prepare a Last Will & Testament.  Regardless if your rich or poor everyone needs to have a Will.  I don’t have anything and even I have a Will.  At present it leaves everything to my brother since my spouse passed.  I’m not 100% happy with that but there really isn’t anyone else to leave anything to.  I still have a tough time processing the fact that such a young person who seemingly had it all passed at such a young age.  Regardless of the cause, which is still pending to be released.

Checking my email this morning tomorrow is going to be delivery central day here.  All of the shipping carriers minus USPS will be here at some point.  FedEx, UPS and the Amazon Person.  I got a small order placed for Gator with Chewy and it’s got some Chicken in it that she really likes.  I try to keep her and her palate as happy as I can, right now I seem to be keeping up but she can be really picky and turn her nose up at can after can of food. 

Here’s hoping that today is productive and fast moving so that I can get to relaxation time where I can watch some good TV and be with my furry girl.  Hope all is well in your world and that you are safe and warm.  Take care. 

Somethings going on

Hello again!

Something interesting is going on.  I got a phone call yesterday from my boss.  He wanted to know what my title was when I started on his team, what I got promoted to, when the change took place and when my status changed from hourly to salaried.  All of this information is logged in a HR System that we both have access to and he said oddly enough that HR was asking.  I find that odd because HR could easily just browse in the system to get the information.  He’s submitting me for a promotion and needed the information but he couldn’t tell me that.  I’d love to know what he is trying to promote me to because there is a promotion I would be in favor of and another that I would not be in favor of.  Presuming I am right unless there is serious effort to push this through now it won’t take effect until January 1st.  Funny thing is that I am the one who processes all of the title changes/promotions.  Again, if I am right this would be the second time I get to change my own title. 

The call came in to my work line which forwarded on to my cell and that all shows up for me based on which # he calls.  I figured that based on his tone and how he was his usual evasive self that some bad news was about to be delivered but I’ve heard nothing more.  He has told me for months now that he is working on changes for the entire team and that he was trying to promote me or perhaps at least get me a bonus.  I remember the last time he promised to promote me that I had to make several inquires and he dropped the ball.  It’s only because of my follow-up that he was able to get it pushed through at the last minute.  He will promise the world but usually under deliver.  His intentions are good but he just is juggling way too much and if he sees something shiny it distracts him and he forgets things that are important to me and I honestly get tired of reminding him.  I don’t really have my hopes up for this promotion just kind of along for the ride, waiting and watching to see what happens. 

I’ve got the exterminator coming today.  The place was really smelling bad yesterday and my hope is that the odor comes back so he can help me identify if it is what I think or if it’s something else.  I’d also like to get him to hang up the odor bag in the attic.  I am way over the smell part.  No new catches/kills and I am interested to see the activity in the bait stations he has placed outside.  This is a visit that will cost me but it’s part of the program I signed up for.  The next chargeable service won’t occur until December.  However, I can call them back at anytime in between calls and there is no additional charge.  It’s not a bad deal once you get past the initial fee. 

Last night I continued on with my regular sleeping medicine and took it at regular time, I found myself awake a couple times during the night.  Gator was responsible for one of those times.  I also went to bed later than I had been the past couple days.  I’m thinking perhaps adjusting the timing of the medicine that might be the key to all of this, then I can hopefully return to more restful and deep sleep that I want and need. 

I am not pleased with my weight it’s climbing and I don’t want to get bigger I want to loose weight.  It’s difficult to do some simple tasks and I know if I continue to grow that difficulty will increase.  Given that I am all alone and can only count on myself I want to be able to accomplish most anything that I want or need to.  While I am old in my mind – the world at large still classes me as young.  I realize that mobility and flexibility won’t last forever but I am not old enough to start losing any of that now.  I have a love affair with sweets be it pastry, ice cream, cookies, muffins, candy and the list goes on.  Not buying those things frustrates me when I want to nibble but at the same time I can’t gain weight from it if I can’t consume it.  Late night insomnia and eating hasn’t exactly helped me either, despite the fact that I haven’t engaged in eating that often.  The bulk of my weight gain is from the pandemic and the lack of movement.  I am sedentary all week long.  Then get some activity on the weekend with trips to the cat food store, grocery store and other shopping that I do.  In addition to cleaning the house.  I need to increase my activity level in addition to reducing the amount of food that I consume in a day and then I should start to see some progress.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things.  While it might sound easy to you, if you have any kind of obsession with food it’s just not easy.  I told my doctor years ago that there are two things in this world that I love.  Men and Food.  If I can’t have a man then I am damn sure going to have food.  He laughed but also understood at the same time.  Here’s hoping that somehow things comes together for me and I can lose weight.  Id be really pleased if I could lose 50 pounds but it would be acceptable if I could drop 20 – 30 pounds.  Keeping it off will also be a challenge.  I want the weight loss to be natural and not because I get some awful disease and waste away.  I feel my body warning me and I’d like to listen to it as much as I can.  Despite food craving or desire. 

In other news, we made it to Thursday.  The week has been oddly calm from an on-call perspective but then again it’s not over yet.  I’ve been able to get upstairs by 4p and be with Gator.  She likes it but if she could have her way I would be with her all day everyday.  If I could I for sure would. 

I’ve completed most of the tasks I need to do and there isn’t any meeting until this afternoon.  It’s going to be a long day but I’d rather have quite and boring right now than on-fire busy like it’s been.  Here’s hoping it’s a great day for all of us.  Take care!