I recently found a new You Tube channel that I like. It’s called Closet Convos it’s run by a cute guy named Isaac. He talks about his life in the closet, coming out and dating. He’s super cute. While anyone can watch I think his target audience is younger gay guys.
Not sure if I have any younger guys that follow my blog but wanted to pass this along. If you visit I hope that you like it as much as I do.
I had an interesting find on Netflix. A series dedicated to Colton Underwood and his coming out. He wasn’t someone that I was interested in before this. The series did a good job of covering the many struggles with coming out. He also tries on a leather harness and damn, he looks hot. Chest hair doesn’t turn me on but man he just looks so good. If you have Netflix check it out it is worth your time.
I picked up a massage gun from Amazon it was delivered on Thursday and sadly it was defective. I got it to work one time and I think was a fluke. It was perfect because it articulated so that you could get spots on your back without needing a second person. I returned it and got a replacement on Friday but purchased a different model that doesn’t articulate. It works really well and the battery lasts for hours.
On the COVID front the state where my job is located has the Omicron variant of COVID. A couple of the other states that have it are states where we also have offices located. It’s business as usual at the moment and nothing has changed, were full steam ahead. I am happier that I have been working from home and am going to game the system until I either have to go back because I was discovered OR we get to next year and I no longer have a choice.
I knew about the school shooting that took place earlier this week in MI. I watched the arrangement of the parents and thought it was rather interesting that the state is holding the parents accountable. I think they are well within their rights because the parents had the power to stop this from happening by opening their mouths and by not purchasing a gun for their son. This was a horrible tragedy that could have been prevented. I really hope that this is the last school shooting but sadly I don’t think it will be. Kids are innocent and to rob them of that is a huge violation in my book. Probably because I was robbed of that innocence myself. I’m not looking to debate gun control or this situation – simply stating my opinion.
As you may or may not know I am huge fan of Charlie Puth. He celebrated his 30th birthday this week. He posted a photo of him in his underwear with that looks like an erection. He has indicated more and more that he is sexually frustrated. It is certainly showing and I think he is going to get himself into some hot water if he isn’t careful. Today he released a tweet about the winter air and had a has tag about jerking him off. Look there are no shortage of people who would love that honor. I’d love to have him as my boyfriend but he’s straight but I do wonder about that a bit. He is under some stress because there is a single called Light Switch that people are clamoring for. He says it’s going to be released soon but that has been his position for a while. He also said that he has an album coming out and people really want that as well. The album should be released in the month of January 2022. I like him for his music and his voice, he is very talented and this all started for me with his single See You Again. That song speaks volumes to me. It was a few years later that he started to appeal to me sexually and now I feel that he is just teasing people because he is horny. There is alleged video of him jerking off both in bed and on an airplane on the internet. There is also some videos that show him in gay porn but I don’t think any of this is authentic. He has released photos of his ass and that is well worth looking up. He’s got some great cakes!
This is the photo I am talking about. Thirst trap at the very least.
I visited the Farm store for cat food and they too have a supply chain issue. Not sure where all of the cat food is but I will sure be glad when it gets back on store shelves. I can only hope that is within Gator’s lifetime. At least I am able to get a couple of flavors that she really likes just no fish and shrimp.
Drove for pizza and the hot waiter took care of me. He looked hot as usual and I really wanted to make a pass at him but resisted. If he’s not into it that could ruin me going there for pizza, which isn’t something that I want. He was nice enough and took decent care of me. He made some small talk but I think he was being nice. Hey maybe he likes me as well but neither of us will know until one of us asks the other.
My mystery odor has surfaced again. It was really in my bedroom and made it a challenge to sleep. I got some candles this morning from Cracker Barrel that helped. I also ran my O3 machine and opened the windows. The bedroom is fine but the kitchen is the new target. I purchased some air freshener gel that is made to go in the airduct of the furnace. It will be here on Tuesday and I hope that will fix things. It’s good for 90 days. The temperature change seems to bring this about. I will be glad when mother nature makes up her mind and we can just have winter, things will normalize more. I will probably have to face this again in the spring. I think that I need a good air duct cleaning, a new furnace and to fully professionally remediate (as in rip out and replace) the wood that was affected with mold. I’ve only treated one side of it and while the water problem is fixed the wood is still infected and needs to be replaced. Then I think this place wouldn’t have any odor issues or so I hope.
I will be back on call come Monday. I have one more time left after this and that will happen when I come back from vacation. One more week here, then next week I work 4 days and my vacation will start. Then when I come back my boss will be gone on vacation and we will deal with end of year. It’s getting busy but I kind of enjoy some of it. Busy means the days go by faster and I am for sure a fan of that.
I am still using my mouth guard and it seems to help. My teeth are a bit sore for a minute after I take it off but otherwise all is well. Looking forward to enjoying the rest of the evening, it’s been a productive and busy day. Some final R&R is nice. Getting a shower before climbing into a nice freshly made bed. I should sleep really well tonight.
Hope all is well on your end. Sweet dreams!
September 2, 1971 a day that I will never forget. It was the day I was born and that was fifty years ago today. I was supposed to be adopted. A wealthy couple was in line to get me but my mother’s mom saw me and because I had red hair that changed everything! In the blink of an eye, I went from being brought up by a wealthy family to a middle-class family with average income. My mom’s father was so excited that I was being born that he backed into a telephone pole at the hospital when parking his car. That’s a story that I was reminded about over the years growing up. I’m glad that I was raised by family and got to meet other relatives over the years. I do wish that I wasn’t physically & mentally abused and I also wish that my father had the guts to stick around and marry my mom, so that I could have had a more normal childhood. My grandmother was my savior and she ensured that I had most of the things I wanted and was comfortable. While my grandparents would be older than dirt today I kind of wish they were around to see how I turned out, I know that they would be proud. They may not have been comfortable with my sexuality but absent that I don’t think they would have any complaints. They both did a great job raising me and my brother. I know they tried the same with their daughter (my mom) but she was a flower child and fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn’t their fault.
When I look back as to how the world was then compared to now it does seem that it was a much simpler time. There for sure was no internet or technology around, landlines & pay phones were your methods for voice communication. People focused more on their families versus today where everyone has to be on their cell phone while they eat and people don’t really have family dinner every night like they used to and there isn’t near the level of communication and closeness that existed “back in the day”.
I think everyone sees a lot during their lifetime. Thus far I have been through countless deaths, been to probably two dozen weddings, ate at restaurants that are no longer in business today, worked a number of jobs, received exactly two speeding tickets and one verbal warning, been in seven accidents (two of which occurred when I was a child and wasn’t driving), spent a lot more money than I have managed to save and the list goes on. I have felt every emotion that one can possibly experience, made mistakes and learned from them as well as gained a lot of knowledge. I’ve made it out of some impossible situations and overcome obstacles that I never thought I would. In short, I’ve kind of amazed myself.
I always knew I was different from others from a very young age. First it was my hair color and I was teased about that for years. It wasn’t until I was in my teenage years that I started to love having red hair. Second was my ability to learn and the fact that I didn’t progress in grade school as all of the other kids did. I was labeled as “LD” or Learning Disabled. There were other kids exactly like me but it took some time before our paths would cross. Basically, I needed more individualized attention than any teacher afforded me. I was told that it was possible to grow out of it but when I started High School I was in a mix of regular and LD classes, that continued until I graduated High School. That caused me to despise education and is the reason why I never went on to college or any higher learning. I’ve pretty well snapped out of it by now. I found that if I am truly interested in something I can soak up knowledge like a sponge. That’s how I managed to get into Technology and gained all of my knowledge on my own by reading, watching TV and of course hands-on real-world experience. People refer to this as self-taught. While I am not a lucky person, in this area I managed to really clean up and put myself into an upward moving career that pays well. Third was my sexuality and that was the biggest obstacle to overcome as far as growing up is concerned. You have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. That didn’t click totally 100% for me until I was in my thirties. Coming out to people and provided it goes well does give you some confidence and builds towards that goal of loving yourself. However, if you have an experience that goes sideways or people reject you because of your sexuality that can and does do damage. That happened to me at a young age and again after the death of my spouse. It is true that you don’t know who your true friends really are until there is a crisis. When I was younger, I kept hearing people tell me that it gets better as you age with regards to being gay. There is truth to that and I think that society as a whole has evolved and made a lot of progress as for acceptance or for at the very least people not to care one way or the other regardless what your sexual orientation is.
Age is truly just a number but it a number that I think we all obsess with a bit too much and it is a reminder of your mortality. For all intense and purposes presuming that I live to be 100 half of my life is over, that is a bit scary to think about. Presuming that is the case my hope for the next 50 years is to laugh more, find love, make a lot of friends and to live in comfort. Sure, I’d say I want to be wealthy but unless I happen to win a lottery or some other type of prize like that or manage to marry into money chances are it won’t happen and that’s okay. Just as long as I have enough money in my name so that I can be comfortable, not necessarily wealthy but also not pinching pennies or wondering where or how to make my next dollar.
I was told when I was younger that I share a birthday [meaning the date September 2nd] with a lot of famous people. I just did some internet research and indeed it’s true. The most notable to me are Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Connors, Mark Harmon, Terry Bradshaw and Christa McAuliffe. If your interested to find out additional people on this list, check out the link below https://www.brainyquote.com/birthdays/september_2
I do wish that I had my family [my late spouse & the cats I have lost over the past seven years] here with me to help celebrate this birthday, that would mean so much to me. A birthday is much like a holiday to me where I hyper focus on the fact that I am alone and that of course inflames my depression. I never thought I would be single, yet alone 50 and single.
When I was much younger, I never thought I would see 30 or 40 and now I am looking at 50. My brother for some reason shared the same point of view about his 30’s and 40’s but I have no idea how he will feel when he turns 50. It would be nice to reconnect with him as well but only if it would mean that I wouldn’t get crapped on or hurt in some way. I don’t foresee that happening and today will likely pass without a word from him as has been the case for many of my birthdays in the past. It’s just as well and something that I have learned to live with.
While my birthday won’t be nearly as special as it could be I am at least glad and fortunate that I don’t have to spend it all alone. I am also very thankful that Ms. Gator is here and has made positive progress from where we were just a few short weeks ago. Having her here and doing so good is the greatest gift I could have. I think God did me a huge favor and only because I asked did it happen.
Here’s hoping that the best is yet to come! Thanks for coming along with me on my journey through life. Talk with you all again soon!
Earlier this week I saw social media was a buzz with a Gay TV Series on HBOMax called It’s A Sin. Not knowing what I was getting myself into I started to watch. It’s based in London and that is normally enough to cause me to stop watching, but I pressed on. This is a drama series about the AIDS Crisis as it played out in London back in the 1980’s. Holy Shit, it was terrifying. More so now I think because of the COVID crisis. There’s good music, good looking boys (men) and great dialog. The part that I didn’t like was all of the sickness & death but that is part of the story. It shows how real it was, it shows that if you got it you were isolated from the world in a hospital room that was locked 24/7 and no one really entered, they just waited for you to die. When you did they came in donning hazmat suits and gloves, they tossed you into a box, scrubbed the room down to disinfect and it sat ready for the next victim.
Since I presume most of my audience is gay, as am I. I mean with a blog titled New Homo Blogo if I wasn’t gay it would be rather odd, don’t you think? Back on point. It’s difficult enough figuring out your sexual identity, coming to terms with it and then beginning to come out to those you love and care about (normally family and friends). Mix in religion and you of course learn it’s a sin to engage in homosexual sexual acts. It took me a while to realize that. It’s not a sin to be gay, it’s a sin to act upon it. It’s no wonder so many kids & adults are mentally fucked up because of this. Then throw in a gay plague, that if you catch it you’ve sentence yourself to death. My now you have to figure out if 5 minutes of pleasure is worth a death sentence. Thankfully there has been much progress in AIDS research with treatments and preventions that were in much better shape than when this was first discovered. I was in High School at the time and remember hearing about it in the locker room for the first time.
The interesting part of this drama filled series for me was those that I knew were gay, I never suspect who would actually get it and die. I was also disheartened that there are only 5 episodes but they are each an hour but seemed much longer to me. I binge watched the show as I was all in. Just like Queer As Folk, they did a great job of making the simulated sex hot and very real.
A trailer of the series is at the top of the page (in case you didn’t notice). The Pet Shop Boys song with the same name appears at the bottom. The music was really good, there were some familiar tunes.
If your looking for something to watch, give this series your time. It didn’t exactly help my depression but it did occupy my mind so that I didn’t think so much of my isolation due to COVID. If you watch, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts.
I started watching Insatiable on Netflix. Apparently there are only 2 seasons and from what I just read on-line it doesn’t sound like there will be a 3rd season. I’m glad that I got interested in this or I probably wouldn’t have known Michael Provost who plays Brock Armstrong. Damn he’s one fine looking young man. If your looking for a show to occupy your time, consider this.
I also paid to watch American Pie Girls Rule on Amazon but didn’t find out until after the fact that it’s playing on Netflix for free. I had a credit on Amazon so it was only $3 but still it’s the fact. The movie was good for some laughs especially if you watch it with family or friends. Sex and sex toys are front & center. Again well worth your time.
I got out on Saturday to grab the mail and pick up a prescription. I wanted to stop by the pet food store but my blood sugar was falling rapidly so I came back home and found some food. All I did all day long was watch TV, nap and enjoy time with the kids. We enjoyed each others company.
Today I hit up the grocery store, cat food store and went out for pizza. Plus cleaned the house and did laundry. It was an enjoyable day. In case your wondering I got another Italian Sausage & Spinach Pizza but threw in Black Olives. It was very good and there is plenty left over for a couple meals, plus the vehicle got a work out and I got some sunshine and alone time. It was really fun!
The JBL ear buds I got are listed on sale on Amazon for $50 less than what I paid. I am close to the return window. I opted to hit up Amazon Customer Service but they won’t issue credit like say Target or Walmart would if an item goes on sale within 30 days of you purchasing it. Instead they told me I would need to return the item and place a new order to get the lower price. That is a lot of damn work. I opted instead to file a dispute with my credit card company, since it’s Amazon branded I doubt I will get any satisfaction but it’s worth trying. I am not going to return them and then place a new order. If I send them back they can keep them.
I still have my eye on the Bose Quiet Comfort ear buds but they don’t release until the 15th and they are damn near $300, which is a lot of money in my book. Yeah since my salary is returning to normal I can easily afford them but I am fighting against my desire. I saw the Apple Ear Pod Pro’s on sale and they are temping as well.
I’m headed back up to enjoy what’s left of my evening with the kids before I have to return to work tomorrow. I’ll be on-call for the week and then come next Monday I will be on vacation for an entire week. That means I can take off in the middle of the day and get some pizza but I think next time I will opt for pasta & garlic bread, someone placed an order for that just before I left and it sounded really good. Maybe throw in a salad so there is some health food there. LOL.
I hope you enjoyed your weekend whatever you did. Today is National Coming Out Day and congratulations if you came out. It’s a big step to take and just because there is a National Coming Out Day doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. Only you know your circumstances and if it’s safe to take that leap. If you didn’t take the step that’s okay, you can always take it when it feels right for you be it tomorrow, next month or when ever.
Stay healthy, take care of yourself and please vote! Talk with you peeps later.
Greetings everyone,
I hope that your doing reasonably well and life is treating you okay. I really wanted to go grab a pizza on Wednesday but found out that I was wrong about the Pizza place (despite how far it is away) not falling under the same COVID restrictions that are in place for my local area. It’s all out door dining and I am not a fan of that unless it’s cool [low 70’s] and there are no bugs, otherwise all bets are off. Since my plans were dashed, I opted instead to grab the mail, go for a short drive and then hit up Target.
The only good thing about getting the mail is that all of the bills were already paid, that’s really the only time I like to see a bill but that isn’t always the way it works. My birthday was okay. I had some Spaghetti and Cheesecake. My sugar dropped close to supper time so it took a bit to get back to level ground but the food was good.
I knew that work was spiraling out of control for my co-worker and he was getting hit pretty hard. In the evening I opted to check on things and called him up. Turns out it was a good thing I opted to work. He made a HUGE mistake that would have riled up our Network Team and I caught it. It took me more than a few minutes to sort out what happened but once I did, I was able to fix it. That took hours! No one but the two of us is the wiser and that is the way I like to keep it. I also helped out by pushing through some work that he was struggling with and today he was able to catch up. I’m no dummy since I worked it counts as work so that is less vacation time I have to take and gives me more time to burn before the year is done. I am ready to plan my next week off.
That was all of Wednesday. Thursday, I got to see the doctor. Glad I changed masks to get away from the N-95 mask because those aren’t allowed in my doc’s office any longer. It’s easier to breathe with a regular mask but it feels very odd on my face. We had a nice chat about COVID and it sounds like there is going to be a vaccine ready by the end of the year, most likely sometime in December is what I was told. Time will of course tell. It sounds like if everyone or at least the majority of people get the vaccine that should quell things and life as we knew it will probably open up within the first quarter of next year. Again, this is all supposition but hopefully it’s close to accurate.
We spoke about my weight gain and I totally forgot about a couple talking points I wanted to mention. However, he asked me to try a new drug called Rybelsus it has the same ingredients as Ozempic but it’s in a pill form whereas Ozempic is an injectable. I got a month of samples. He said that some weight loss places put people who don’t have diabetes on the drug simply to lose weight. Once I got to read up on the drug I see why because the two most common side effects are nausea and diarrhea. You start off on a low dose for a month so your body has a chance to get used to the drug and then ramp up to a higher dose. Most people loose 5 to 10 pounds although it’s been reported that some people loose more than that, the average is 5 to 10 pounds. The next big thing is cost. It’s a new drug and brand name only. It’s not covered by my insurance, which was of no surprise to me. The manufacturer will give you 6 months of the drug for $10 each month. After that you get different compensation and in the long run, I would wind up paying some money out of pocket. Average cost for 30 days is $730 – while it’s not the end of the world it’s insanity, that is more than my car payment. Sadly, I am not going to even bother to start this because even if it does work, I can’t afford it. I will check back in a month. When I go back in 3 months, I will return the sample so someone else can take advantage of it. The shelf life is 2 years and the pills are in blister packs. You take a pill when you wake up with no more than 4 ounces of water then wait 30 minutes before you can eat or drink anything else. That’s another drawback. They offer reminder alarms for your phone to help you get used to this new way of life. It’s just not something I can afford nor wish to sign up for.
I am on 3 different medications that finally have gotten my A1C under control. The problem is 2 of them cause weight gain and once you gain, they inhibit you from losing weight. COVID and being home bound with less daily movement has contributed to my weight gain. I am not happy about it but if I could just motivate myself to jump on the treadmill or to step outside and go for a walk that would help. So, would modifying my diet but I don’t foresee that happening.
I was caught off guard because the doc elected to have blood work done in his office and this was a time when I should have gone to the hospital. I didn’t bother to correct him because I just wanted to get it over with. I wasn’t wild about visiting the local hospital given COVID is in the air. It took a couple pricks but they finally got my blood. They sent in this black lady who straight up called me a baby. She asked me why I was like that and I just responded sorry I was born that way. She said try to think of something else like your hot wife. The other nurse went to whisper in her ear, he’s gay but didn’t quite get the opportunity. I told her I wasn’t married, she said think about sports. I said I don’t like sports. Not even football? I said nope, no sports but I do love looking at the players in their uniforms. She said your okay, I like you. Can we talk about, drops in hot sports players name? I said we can talk about him all you want but I have no clue who he is nor what he looks like. She told me I was missing out. Okay, so I might be. There is no shortage of hot men in the world, regardless if they are athletes or not.
My trip to the doc was the farthest I have traveled in 3 months. It takes an hour to get there and an hour back home. On my way back I just wanted to keep on going and not come home right away. It felt good to have the sun shining on me and to be behind the wheel driving more than 30 miles per hour. I know my vehicle was happy about it as well. The battery got a very good charge, which it was desperately in need of.
I popped in a pizza for supper, burnt it a bit but it was still good. Nothing close to what I would get in a restaurant but nice for frozen pizza although it was no Tombstone. I love their pizza.
I was surprised this morning when the UPS person knocked on the door, my memory upgrade came a day early. I got it installed with minimal effort. I haven’t really spent a lot of personal time with my new machine and am really driving it tonight, thus far it’s quite fun.
I have plenty of cleaning to do around here so hopefully I feel motivated to do that tomorrow. I still need to purchase rock for the front of the house and to clean out the gutters but Rome wasn’t built in a day.
That’s all I know at the moment. I still have a few days left before Tuesday gets here and it’s back to work. I am waiting to hear from my Thanksgiving friends about getting together on Labor Day. While I welcome the change of pace, I am a bit nervous about it. I plan on wearing my mask unless I am eating. They might think I am silly or being overly dramatic but I have to look out for myself. Here’s to what vacation time I have left and hopefully I can make some memories with the cats, get in some serous sleep and enjoy myself while getting this place in order. Take care and we will talk with you peeps again soon!
I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because
my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they
thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial. What they failed to realize is that my
brother was setting me up to take the fall.
While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and
making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me. Of course, I wasn't acting right because I
was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell
into. I was the victim when I looked
like the aggressor [perpetrator]. They
say everything happens for a reason and well it did.
It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it. I myself didn't even know it and denied it. Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right. While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up. I hadn't yet figured out who I was. Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time. I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well. He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy. The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice.
My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was. I didn't understand why. He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe. It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do. I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing. As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her. I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.
One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening. I told her that I was gay. She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life. I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting. That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it. She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued. She asked me what kind of sex I had. Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it. She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting. Then she asked where she was and where this took place. That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place. Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was. She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend. I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life. The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather. He surely would kick me out and disown me. I am positive that she never said a word to him.
Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't. My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass. I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly. I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared. Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went. I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened. He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word. It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me. He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated. That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him. I honestly never really thought about it at the time. I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.
As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother. My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no. She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried. I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent. She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems. She always said that I should be a top. She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work. Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.
My brother kind of figured things out on his own. I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him. However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did.
The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience. Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done. Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on. Your never ever done coming out of the closet. I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them. Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me.
I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men. We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine. I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom. Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business. I get the curiosity to want to know that. I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.
A side note, a bit off topic. The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son. We wouldn't bother to correct them. He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me. To us it was humorous. I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes. It was a compromise that we agreed upon. He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals. I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt. I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us].
Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back. Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak. I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I. However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment. I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid. How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job? How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship? My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out. There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively. While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell.
Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well. The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay. There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because. No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR. What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group. We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse. Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know. I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me. I am Jeremy a man. Being gay is just part of who I am. Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am. It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't.
I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride. I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay. I cried just as they did. I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life. While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what. You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur.
Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this. I hope that you enjoyed it. It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards. I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant. She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made. I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now.
You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out. Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature. If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age. If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do. Below are some resources that I hope are of help.
HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out
Matthew Shepard Foundation - Coming Out Resources
The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People
Welcome and thanks for stopping by. In case your new here, I wanted to tell you about me. I’m gay, but you probably figured that out by the title of my blog. I have a witty and also a dry sense of humor. I believe at least some of it was inherited from my late grandmother or so I’d like to think. I am verbose or in simpler terms I like to talk. Sometimes that can get me in trouble and other times it keeps me out of trouble.
I am in my late 40’s, I am out of shape but with a little work that can change. I am a type 2 diabetic and have a lower back injury. I’ve got an ongoing battle with depression, but outside of that I’m well. I prefer the air-conditioned office to working manual labor. I am a masculine guy. My taste in men varies but in general a little bit but not too much muscle, smooth but not overly hairy. I am most definitely an ass man. The smaller the better and of course there is nothing wrong with a bubble butt. I get that there is more to a man than his body and while I can look for hours at beautiful men and obsess at the end of the day, I’m not about the hook up, I am about building a relationship so I don’t have casual sex, ever. It sounds like fun but just not my cup of tea. I love food (hence part of the reason why I am out of shape). Italian, Mexican and American are my favorites. I can be a picky eater. I don’t like exotic things or gourmet food. Give me something classic like a Burrito, Lasagna or a Pork Fritter. Sweets are my downfall. Donuts, Cake, Pie, Ice Cream, Cookies and most any kind of pastry. My childhood neighbors ran a bakery and they were forever giving my family things from their shop. I think that is part of the reason why I just love sugar.
I was together with my spouse (an older man) since I was around 18 or 19 years old. It’s around 25 years total that we were together. While we were together for years, we weren’t married until 4 months before he passed away. He had lots of health problems but as long as he took his medication, he was fine. Long story short he became confused and like me he had a love for sugar. He stopped taking his blood thinner medication for what is estimated to be around 3 months and began consuming Coca-Cola like it was going out of style. He thought he was taking his medicine but in reality, he wasn’t. There were signs and plenty of them but I didn’t realize it until it was far too late. He had a massive 2nd stroke (the first one happened many years back, after a doctor gave him too much clotting medicine while he was undergoing a surgical procedure). He was on life support and I had to make the decision to remove it because there was no chance for a meaningful recovery and/or a quality life. While it might sound like an overwhelming decision it was actually the easiest thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong it was difficult but we had talked about it and expressed our wishes. We had legal paperwork to back up our decisions so they were in writing. We always thought that he would go first and it’s probably better that way. He was my rock and shield, he taught me a lot of things in the time we were together. Like in any relationship/life there were good & bad times. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having met him.
Once he passed away, I didn’t and still don’t care that much for living. I am going on for one major reason and that is the cats. My hope is that I will meet a guy and fall in love, that will be reason enough to go on and hopefully I will once again find happiness. At the time he [my late spouse] passed away I had a menagerie of 7 cats. 5 of them were family. I took in a pregnant female cat years earlier and she had 2 boys and 2 girls. He named her children (I got to name her) and once you name them, your stuck with them. Say what you will but it’s the truth. I did try to give them away and he claims to have tried but it just didn’t come to pass. Earlier this year I lost Momma that pregnant female I took in 17 years ago. She never, ever for a second forgot that I was her savior. After my spouse passed away, she did a wonderful job looking after me like a mother would and reminding me when it was time to wake up, time to go to bed and of course time to feed her and pay her attention. 1 of her sons and 1 of her daughters are still with me. Her daughter has taken her place, in that she is looking after me, while it’s not the same thing I can easily see the resemblance.
I was raised by my mom’s parents. I had a relationship with my biological mom but never met my biological father, because he chose to disown me. After my grandfather passed away in 1998, we got a house and moved in together. He wanted a brand-new house and I am the one who gave him the idea of just buying one that was on the market. He had a dream to one day live in the subdivision we are in. I am not quite fond of it at all but like any good husband I supported him and his dreams as he supported mine. The place was a few years old but in excellent shape. Once we moved in, we found issues and it quickly earned its name “The Money Pit” yes, just like the movie. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the movie just minor things but it was frustrating. The house is getting old just like it’s occupants and it needs work. I am not a handy man or a mechanic, nor am I a wealthy person. I am barely middle class. I have a few nice things but a large bank account isn’t one of them.
As you can well imagine it felt like my world came to and end when he passed away. We weren’t open about our sexuality. Those people that needed to know, knew but otherwise as a couple we elected to keep it quiet. Once he died, I was all too eager to tell the world as I wanted to do many years earlier. There was hurt from that and he told me that would happen but at least I don’t have to feel like I am hiding. I don’t walk around with a shirt or a bumper sticker and I am not out at work to the company. I have told my boss and a few co-workers. I made the mistake of telling a former co-worker and one day we didn’t get along because she turned into a cunt, then she announced it to the office behind my back. I of course didn’t find out until the damage was done. Sadly, many more people than I want to know, know but it is what it is. I am a private person and don’t like to live in the limelight.
I am not boasting or gloating but I have dealt with a lot of shit in my lifetime and been in plenty of situations where it didn’t look good for me. Somehow things managed to turn around and I survived. There is absolutely no doubt that my late spouse would be nothing short of proud of me and who I am today. Knowing that also helps to keep me pushing on.
I don’t really have any friends. That is a scary thing when you find yourself sick or like now when there is a pandemic. I’ve got a married older couple who I refer to as my thanksgiving friends. They have been by my side from the time he got sick and died but with time our relationship is slowly starting to fizzle or so I feel. I am always calling them; they never call me except when it gets close to thanksgiving. I make reservations and we go out to eat as a matter of carrying on a tradition that me and my late spouse set many years ago. I don’t think that will be the case this year with the pandemic looming, but hey we still have a few months so it’s possible but I don’t have high hopes.
I have been on countless dating websites and apps. I went on 2 dates. One of them was because I agreed to pay upfront. The other guy was poor or claimed to be. The photo he sent me was touched up because in real life he was covered with warts and you could easily tell he was gay because when he spoke, his purse fell out of his mouth. He tried to get me to come back to his place and I know he wanted sex but that didn’t happen. He poured on the pressure for weeks, to the point where I had to be an asshole and just tell him to leave me alone. The second guy well he was younger than me, had wealthy parents and he was more interested in being on his phone than on a date with me. He ended the date abruptly by running out of the restaurant. He just suddenly had to go and said keep in touch. Yeah, we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. Striking up a conversation on an app is difficult at best. You start with a hi how’s it going and get a hello and fine back. Then it’s awkward really quick. I don’t like alcohol and I am not a smoker, which is why you won’t find me at a bar.
COVID has really put a halt on my dating efforts. I found a website called meet up where you can join a group of people who have a common interest, the group meets up in person and that’s how you make friends. There are plenty of LGBT groups and one of them happened to be a foodie’s group which I thought was perfect for me. They decided to still meetup after the initial ban was lifted in our area but that was just too risky for me. I have since dropped out and have plans to rejoin once life returns to a state of normal. I hope that I will be able to meet a guy that way. It’s kind of tough to ignore a person when they are sitting across from you, whereas in digital form it’s really easy to ignore someone.
Speaking of digital form, that leads me to what I do for a living. I am an IT Professional. I started out in support where when someone forgot their password, I would be the person they called or they didn’t know how to work a program or the machine was doing odd things. Yeah that was me, Mr. Fix it to the rescue. I am 100% self-taught. I graduated High School and have 0 college and 0 certifications. Today I am a senior cyber-security analyst protecting a large organization. I am thankful in that anywhere I can get an internet connection I can work. My employer prior to COVID wasn’t terribly receptive to working from home but today the entire organization is working remote. I am really particularly proud of my professional accomplishment. People actually seek me out to ask for help or my opinion, it’s really great. My employer takes care of their people and as of tomorrow I will be there 6 full years and hopefully with many, many more to come.
I’ve got a brother who is one year younger than me. We are polar opposites. He likes girls and manual labor. I like boys and air conditioning. We were brothers when we were younger but that quickly came to an end. We have been estranged. He’s my brother and I have a love for him but every time I get around him something bad happens. He’s more of the white trash type person and that’s not how he was raised but he met a girl and she has smothered him, cutting off all of his friends. I’m convinced she killed our mom but I can’t prove it. I think she is working on killing him next and it’s just best for me if I stay as far away from them as possible. He married her a year ago after they broke up, he just decided one day that he couldn’t live without her and snapped. She is a money grabber and he’s dumb enough to give her all of his money. I feel my blood starting to boil, so I’ll just leave it here.
That’s me in a nutshell. For full disclosure, for my safety Jeremy Ryan is a pen name and not my real name. I knew a long time ago when I started blogging about the dangers of a digital world and like it or not the danger is real. What I write about is stuff that has happened to me. Nothing you read here is made up it’s all 100% the truth and nothing but the truth, with the obvious exception being my name.
A month or so ago I lost a blogger friend who knew my real name, we went through something together. I knew for sure that she was reading my blog each and every day. Outside of that I honestly don’t think an actual human being is reading on a regular basis, hey I could be wrong. I don’t get many comments and that is what lead me to arrive at that conclusion. Recently I found a couple of new blogs and have started posting comments and I think those authors and some of their readers may potentially be reading and I hope that is the case.
I realize this is a bit long winded, but I told you I was a verbose person. I blog for two reasons. One to share what is going on in my life, it’s therapeutic. Two because there might be something, I am going through that someone else can glean knowledge from or that I can help. I get that life in and of its self is difficult, but then throw in your sexuality to the mix and it becomes a bit more complicated. Coming out is a personal decision that you alone have to make. If it’s not safe or you don’t feel comfortable my advice is don’t do it. Once you let the cat out of the bag, that is information that you can’t take back and like it or not people do judge you, even though were in 2020 not everything has changed with the times. We sure have come a long way!
Thank you for stopping by. I do hope that you will return on a regular basis and if you feel so inclined leave a comment. If there is something you want to know ask. If there is a topic, you’d like to see me write about holler. I get that not everyone feels compelled or comfortable to leave a comment. Just so you know privacy is paramount with me. All comments are in moderated mode, meaning I have to approve them before they get published. I have had people in the past say things and let me know they didn’t want it published; I respected their wishes.
While it’s my blog I want everyone that chooses to visit to feel comfortable. I think were all here (on earth) for some purpose. My purpose I feel is to help others. Take care and be well. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon!
Ah good day everyone!
I hope that you are doing well and that you are safe. There has been some recent pandemonium with people protesting stay at home orders (here in the US). I know people are eager to get back to work and to a state of normal. That will happen eventually. I know that I am fortunate in that I can work from home. I do feel for those people who don’t have the same ability and have no income. I’ve been in a situation where I had no job, little money and a ton of debt. It’s scary. Creditors are more understanding right now given the pandemic vs when I was unemployed and life for the rest of the world was normal. We will get through this, somehow, someway. Just stay strong and have faith.
I got a call late this morning from my co-worker who told me that his dog (who has heart problems, like Momma had) was rushed to the emergency vet last night. He is running on very little sleep as it was a long night. Things sound rocky but the dog is stable as of the last update I got. It sounds like they are getting closer to the end but that they might have a little more time left. The dog had fluid on her lungs and breathing was way off. They used Lasix to get the fluid out and placed the dog on Oxygen for the night. I hope that things turn the corner here and they get to spend a little bit more time with their furry friend before the end is near. It’s all about quality of life and it sound like there is still some left. The blood work came back and the dog’s kidneys are in great shape, so that is a plus for them.
Just talking with him brought back a flood of memories for me. I know what he is going through, the rollercoaster of emotions. He is fortunate that he has his wife to lean on but the loss will still be difficult (when it happens). You hold your breath and can never exhale until the ride is over. I feel really bad for my colleague and hope that things work out for the best.
On a different note, I have been tweaking and fine tuning my NextDNS account. I realized that I could move my logs from the US to Switzerland so I did that. Unfortunately, I lost what I had collected but it did start over. The advantage of this is for privacy reasons. I truly have nothing to hide but if given the option of more/better privacy protection I would be a fool to not use it. I had added most of the block lists available and that caused me some problems on my mobile device. I couldn’t get the Facebook and Amazon apps to work properly, but once I saw what was blocked and opened it up, all is back to normal. I’ve tested it multiple times and it works fine.
Speaking of computers, Sunday night I ran into a snag where my audio playback on my computer had some interference and was clipping. I ripped the speakers and sound system cables out and put them back one by one. It was a process that took about an hour to sort out and of course what fixed it? You bet it was a reboot. Fuck I was mad but at least glad that I didn’t have to listen to the horrible audio. My late spouse bought me a Bose Speaker System for my computer and the sound is incredible. Once you hear good audio you don’t want to go back. This system even though it’s old really brings the music alive at least to my old ears. This morning when I sat down and started listening to music, I noticed I had a similar problem and rebooted, presto issue resolved. Hopefully my sound card isn’t getting ready to bite the dust.
Music is very important to me not only now with the whole stay at home order but in general. It brings me comfort and also sooths the soul. I listen to a wide variety of things but mostly pop music. When I am in the office it’s all instrumental. I’ve been looking at a new computer in general just to price things out and as before you can really spend a lot depending upon what you’re looking for. I saw some high-end systems at Dell and without monitors they were expensive. Throw in new monitors and you have an even bigger bill. I’m content with what I have so long as it continues to operate. I do my best to take care of it and keep it updated. Say what you will but I think Windows 10 has helped smooth out a lot of the flaws that Windows had and it just keeps getting better, at least for me.
I saved my TV from last night and opted instead to play with YouTube via my Roku. I listened to a couple coming out stories and then got focused on one of my favorite comedians, Louis Black. He’s a funny guy but if you have little ones around, they shouldn’t listen to him because he loves to cuss and for some of us that is one of our only outlets to express frustration.
Life is moving along, nothing major to report at the moment. We’re going to have a company wide meeting next week and that should be fun. I like them so long as no one is delivering any bad news. It’s also interesting to see people in their home environments. Best news of all is that my hair is growing back really fast so no one will ever be the wiser that I shaved my head, unless I tell them. I’m not near haircut territory yet but in a couple more weeks that will probably change.
Take care and be well. I will talk with you all again. Stay safe!
This week has been very challenging to train a new person and keep up with my regular work load. I was out on Monday but worked the remainder of the week.
The new guy is fucking cute as a button, straight and married. He’s also more than 4 hours away from me. We get along really well thus far. He’s super smart and has a sense of humor. I was concerned about the sense of humor part since he came from the government but they didn’t damage him or if they did it doesn’t show. I want to come out to him and open up a bit more about my personal life but I don’t know what affect that will have on our working relationship. I will probably at some point open up to him but I don’t know that doing it early on is the right thing to do. We talk for hours on end it starts off business and then I crack a joke and that derails our training. He’s got another week of training and I think he will slowly be added to the mix.
My boss asked me what I thought. I told him you did a great job this time around. He said I know and to think we wasted 2 years. Fucking right you prick. I wasn’t complaining to hear myself talk there was merit to my complaints but I guess he just now figured that out. Jesus Christ. I told him I also thought the new guy was super cute and he just glossed over that. I thanked him so much for hiring this guy. He knows for a fact the guy is smarter than any of us and that he is going to be a sponge. Meaning he will soak up all of the knowledge, retain it and be able to perform w/o any issues. I sure fucking hope so because we wasted 2 years!!!
I have had wicked dreams all week long. They were just odd. Thursday night I was beat and I took my sleeping medicine 10 minutes early. That fucked everything up and I was wide awake after 2 hours of sleep. So Friday I worked from home, not a bad way to end the week. It wasn’t what I wanted but I tried to get in as much sleep as possible. I even took a nap at lunch time. Momma let me sleep for a whopping 15 minutes and then she was standing on my chest with her Tuna breath. Yep that will wake me up! I was in her spot and she wanted it back.
The basement still has the mold smell to it. I also have found 2 crickets in the house. That is rather odd, never had that happen. I decided to do some investigating and the mold spread like wildfire. It ate through a small corner of the wood in one bay and my guess is that is where the crickets were. I also found an ants nest if there is such a thing. I threw away the insulation because it’s all infected with mold and some of it ants. I thought about cleaning all of the mold I saw but then I just threw caution to the wind and hit it all with the mold killing paint I bought. That will seal it … killing the mold and also the smell that goes with it. I really thought I had my problem well under control. I did investigate when I found the initial problem back in late August. All of what I saw tonight checked out fine then. I’m pretty certain that this problem is way worse than what I have found. As it stands now a large portion of subfloor will need to be replaced. It’s a good idea to replace all of the ban board as well which is the barrier that protects the inside from the outside world. There is probably more damage to the outside wall. All of this means ripping up the deck and calling in a contractor. None of this will be covered by insurance hence why I painted. I want to limp along as long as I can before I am forced to take out a loan to do the needed repairs. I’m hopeful that I have killed off the mold for good. The only really good news from this is that the floor joists are solid and mostly unaffected. MOLD the 4 letter word that has truly been a nightmare for me. I really wish I would have fixed the downspout sooner rather than later as this could have all been avoided. I wanted to ignore the smell but it’s not just the smell I have allergic symptoms so I know I did the right thing and am thankful that I was able to find it before it got any worse. Let’s cross our fingers that this is mitigated and the band-aid I’m putting in place holds for quite sometime.
Okay so the mold is an issue but I have another problem believe it or not. I used my new personal trimmer that is supposed to be skin safe. Yeah that is bullshit I cut my ball sack and that fucking burns and itches. I ordered some 5% lidocaine cream from Amazon that will be here tomorrow, which can’t come fast enough for me. I contacted the manufacturer of the trimmer and they said of course it’s all my fault but to error on the side of caution they want to send me a new blade. FUCK. I want to return the damn thing but honestly it is a darn good trimmer. I will think twice before I trim my neither regions again. However, this trimmer will do great with side burns and I could see using it on my face and my upper back.
For the first time ever I put up plastic to cover the windows in the living room and the patio door. This was no easy job. For the patio door I ordered a special 3M kit and that film is pretty well crystal clear. For the living room windows I used a product from Duck. It was supposed to cover 5 windows but they didn’t have 5 individual sheets of plastic it was all one continuous run. Putting that in place started off great but quickly went south. It’s jury rigged together and looks like shit but it should get the job done. I already felt less of a draft and it was warmer today. The only bad part about this is when the light bulb on the patio burns out I will have to walk all the way around the house instead of just going out the back door.
I went out for pizza tonight, even though I’m on-call I stuck close to home all day and decided to throw caution to the wind tonight. Turns out it’s still quiet and I hope it stays that way because I am burnt to a crisp when it comes to work. I am really earning my vacation and I can already tell that I may have to do a little work while I am out.
Phew I think were caught for now. I’ll probably be back tomorrow if I can manage to get out of bed with another update. Hope you had a good and productive week.
Before I go I got a new Roku box. It’s super tiny cost $24 on Amazon. My old large purple LT box that I got a couple years ago has been phased out and won’t get anymore updates and some channels will eventually stop working with it. I hooked up this new box in a snap and all of my channel line up stayed in place, there was a little work required on-screen and then on a computer/mobile device within 30 minutes I had everything I needed and was ready to Rock. I’m very pleased. Roku has been great for me since I was an early adopter and it’s been the best product I’ve owned. They aren’t paying me to say this, it’s my true & honest opinion based on my experience.
Cheers for now.
I was thinking last night, what if you spray foam sealer on mold/wood. That would fix the crack and also seal the mold in so it couldn’t grow. I mean there would be no water source and no oxygen so in theory it sounded great. I took to Google and found a product that claimed to put down an antimicrobial barrier. It’s not foam sealer but rather a spray on liquid. I found it at Lowe’s and jotted over and picked up a bottle, dropped $11. Came home sprayed down the wood and got it wet. It’s dry now, the second step is to go in with a brush and loosen up all of the mold and then put down another coating to further protect the wood. Step 2 will take a while before I get to it. That doesn’t sound like something I personally want to it. I mean if I am forced to then I will.
I still have yet to hear from the gutter repair guy, so I will have to give him a ring. I’d like to give him his money but also get his pricing for what he thinks the job will cost to fix it his way. I am inclined to lean towards him. I had a chat with the boss about the demo guy and he said they drink your money and destroy your home. It’s a lot of hooey. That maybe and it sounds like truth. I just hope I don’t make a mistake here.
The house is clean, I chased Marv out of my room with the vacuum. Not something I want to do but I told him I had to get my room done this weekend. I skipped it last weekend and since all of the cats hang out in there I need to sweep.
Lit some candles. The basement has Yankee #5, Bedroom has Yankee Stress Relief and the Living Room has Yankee Strawberry Ice. It’s just something to liven things up. I stopped at the wall of scent in the grocery store this morning and considered buy Febreze plugs but I talked myself out of it. I have a small fortune invested in candles and I love them. Problem is I don’t want to part with them, I just want to acquire more. That’s how you wind up with a bunch of candles and no place to put them.
I stopped off for breakfast and was talking with one of the regulars. He was concerned because I was a little late. I was up early enough to be on time but I opted for a morning orgasm and that put me behind. He said something like I thought you ran off with a wild woman. I told him that will never happen. He said why, I said I don’t like women. He didn’t get the fact that I am gay but I just rolled with it. He is an older guy and friendly but I don’t know if he has an open mind and I really don’t want to find out. I was telling the waitress about it and I guess she didn’t realize I was gay either but I wound up getting a free milkshake for coming out. Hell if I knew that I would have made it a large instead of a small shake. It was damn good too, it was the Oreo Double Stuff. Momma the best shake I have had in a long time.
Since I felt pretty good about my milkshake I have been holding something in for the grocery store. Today I let it out. The checker I usually go to was on and she had someone who just laid out a flurry of items. I mean the belt was full. She was concentrating and I just walked up and said can we speed it up here in a loud voice and I said it like I was angry. I got her attention and she said hi. The lady who’s order she was working on didn’t know what to make of it. Hell what’s life if you can’t have some fun once and a while.
The best part was my fasting blood sugar was at 95 this morning. That’s damn low for me. I was surprised I was still able to walk. I felt really good so I rewarded myself with a milk shake. I know not the smartest thing to do.
I got the leaf guards in the gutters in the back. Need one more pack of 4 that will give me one for each gutter. Need that leaf blower attachment and then I can go to town. Another job I really don’t want to do but need to. I haven’t ordered either item but will be doing so soon. I was surprised at the amount of leaves that had fallen already. It’s only going to get worse with time.
I got a car wash and opted for the deluxe version. My car once again smells like someone crapped in it. It’s the bug remover. It does a great job but it smells to high heaven. I should be burning a Yankee Candle in the garage and then another once inside of my car but that just doesn’t sound safe and things would probably go sideways. I don’t need that. I still have some packing to do at the office.
I started watching this movie on Cyber Security last night on Amazon. I am really interested in it but it lulled me to sleep. I figured oh I was just wore out. Nope I tried to finish it and the same results. Holy crap I’ll have to keep this handy for those nights when I just can’t sleep. Actually it’s kind of funny because there is a show I watch on occasion when I want to fall asleep and it’s all about Cyber Security. The guy who does it just gets on a tangent like one of my co-workers and it puts me to sleep because I get bored.
Need to shave, fix some dinner, prep for Monday and relax and take in more TV. It’s only 4:30 and I have lots of time on my hands. I’ve been piddling around with ye old computer and have managed to pass away a couple hours. I am going to pry myself away before I loose track of time and wind up spending my evening here.
Here’s to a great week ahead, I hope that everything goes well for everyone. Low stress, quick moving days and plenty of good food and time to relax. Talk with you folks again soon.
Not exactly sure why but last night I didn’t sleep well. I woke up to go to the bathroom, Gator grabbed my attention on the way back to bed and I had to comfort her. Not really sure what the issue is/was. She won’t jump up on the couch in the living room any more, I have to pick her up. I did it once and that was one too many times. She still jumps up in my chair and will get into bed with me. So I don’t think it’s her legs that are bothering her. Anyway back on point when I woke up I felt like I hadn’t slept at all so I opted to stay home. I should have pushed myself but I am kind of tired of doing that. Especially when there was nothing on the books for today and it would have likely been a boring day with me looking for things to do.
Much to my surprise the guy I spoke with last night came by around 11:30 and fixed the downspout. It was 15 minutes worth of work and he was here and gone. I checked out his work after the fact and it’s solid. He used sheet metal screws so the shit won’t blow down or blow away. I am confident in his work and rain is in the forecast for a few days, so it will be a good test to see if my issue is fixed or if there is a larger problem laying in wait. I got a text when he was done and I phoned him. He was thinking about what I was told by the demo guy and he thinks I have rot and not mold. He wants to take a second look and cut out the piece that needs to be removed, get a replacement in and then he thinks my troubles will be over. I disagree with him, I had mushrooms growing and that is a clear sign mold is present. I have read and was warned about letting someone else do the work, you need a specific professional. If this isn’t properly cleaned up there are health consequences not to mention the fact that this shit can spread. It may not grow because it has no water source but if one day the conditions are just right and there is a water source, bam you have a major issue on your hands. I’m all too happy to let him look but actually do any work well that is another story. I may call him back after the demo guy is done but most likely I think and hope that were done.
This little moldy project evoked so many emotions from sadness, frustration, loneliness to anger. It really seems like the mold was growing inside of me as if it were cancer and eating me alive. I thought this would be the end of me and while the fight isn’t over yet, I feel much better with the progress that has been made today. I feel like I am well on my way to putting this in the past. It’s not something I am proud of but I am not the only person in the world that this has happened to. A problem minor or major can be made worse if your all alone that is the tough part. Honestly I am all alone, I know I don’t need anyone in this world to make it. I have proven that to myself but it doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life alone. I need a rock or at best a cork board (it’s humor because it’s less solid than a rock) to help me through the rough times. I can’t say I am looking for marriage but I am looking for another long term relationship. I miss having someone compliment and complete me as I equally compliment and complete them. I took a lot for granted and life has taught me a lot over the past 6 years. I am sure there is plenty more to learn but hopefully no more hard lessons. I still feel oddly giddy about 2020 like something big is going to happen and I am so anxious. I am ready for happiness, enjoyment and to feel like I am on cloud 9 and I’m not talking about a tv show.
I did eventually get in a couple naps. I had way too much sugar, the only actual semi decent meal I had was supper and that came out of a cardboard box. I watched a bunch of YouTube videos a couple coming out stories that were interesting to hear. I find it strange that a kid is willing to pick up a video camera tell the world his full name as well as his location, where he went to high school and where he is going for college and then says he’s gay. That would have never flown when I was in high school but the times they have changed, I mean that was 30 years ago. If you came out or even suspected of being gay you were ridiculed, ostracized and your life was hell on earth. People tell you that it gets better and it truly does. Taking the first step to tell those around you much less the world that your gay and show that you have confidence and backbone things do get better. It’s not a choice, you can’t pray it away, no one can be converted and your parents did nothing wrong. It’s just who you are as a person. It can suck being different but it’s also a beautiful thing.
I am not happy that I am spending the rest of the evening at home, I can’t wait to get out of here but really don’t want to go back to work. However, I know that being out for a day will cause a slight increase in work, being out for two days can cause madness. I haven’t even peeked at my email and I don’t have plans to but my curiosity might get the best of me. Sometimes it’s good to know what your walking back into and other times it’s better off if it’s a surprise. I will probably be foaming at the mouth with cuss words a plenty but at least I won’t be bored. See there is a bright side even if that is a whacky thought!
The month is hardly over with yet and the grass guy has already sent me a bill. I’ve only been in the hole to him for $70 at a time and there is an extra week in the month. I had plans to schedule an early payment to him but now I am going to wait until I get his bill and see what he is charging me before I go doing a good deed. He is paranoid that I am going to stiff him and that hasn’t happened yet and it won’t. I mean I need someone to cut my grass. We have a very good thing going and I am impressed with how stringent he adheres to the every two week schedule. I just wish he wouldn’t show up at 7am. I hate the smell of freshly gut grass mostly because I am allergic.
The main event for tonight is the 2nd to the last episode of Suits. The final episode will air next Wednesday and then Harvey, Donna, Louis and company will all be gone. That is sad but it’s been a good run and I have really enjoyed watching the show unfold. Eventually you run out of things to write about and/or life happens and it’s time to bring things to a natural close. With the loss of Megan Markle and Patrick J. Adams the dynamic of the show changed. Even bringing Patrick J. Adams back for a couple guest appearances is great the dynamic of the show has changed and it caused a lot of people to be upset, withdraw or generally loose interest. However, there are some die hard fans that won’t let go and I am proud to say I am one of them. I fully admit I only watched the show because of Patrick J. Adams but I’m hooked and I have to see how this all ends.
So outside of Gator crying here and there. Momma has a mole on her back leg that she has picked at by chewing on it. If you touch it she comes unglued. I was looking at it last night and the slightest little touch and the damn thing started bleeding. This is one of those things that I want to go away. It’s been there for a while and she has always picked at it but not to this point. I think if I head to the vet with her I will get bad news and I just can’t handle that right now. She is normal and can walk fine. She is always in my face and has been pestering me all day long. I love her so much and she loves me. We were meant to be together and we both have done a great job taking care of the other as well as her family. I’ve got a watchful eye on all of them and if they need to get to the vet it happens but right now I am in a watch and wait state. If this doesn’t clear up or gets worse she is going bad news or not. I’d love to break out a razor and just slice the damn thing off but I know that would hurt and I would probably be doing more damage than good. She has a mole on her face as well in her whiskers that has been there for years. It shrinks slightly and other times it looks like she has a large tick on her face. That is what I was checking on her leg, it kind of looks like a tick but it’s not.
I’m honestly looking to coast the rest of the year with no bad news or major negative changes like death or sickness. I don’t expect joy or good things but if that happens I am certainly not opposed to it. Going on a date or meeting someone would be good and I am working on making that happen.
I guess I have babbled on enough. Time to go surfing on the net. Reboot my machine and eventually hike backup stairs to deal with the trash and be with the furry family. Here’s hoping the rest of the week will be a breeze for all of us. Cheers!
I am not sure why but from time to time I think about being gay. I wonder if I was tricked into it. Then I think back to a memory when I was probably around 5 or possibly 4 years old. I was playing at home and an adult (not sure if it was my mom or grandma) said something about girls giving me cooties. I distinctly remember responding ick, girls are bad, I like boys. Then there is the time when I was in grade school (now called middle school) and a very tall kid was at the chalk board (do they still have those, today?) doing a math problem and the room was quiet. I remember I was sleepy and for some reason felt compelled to yell out dang your really tall. I remember I was looking mostly at his ass but there was something about his legs.
Because of these memories I don’t think I was tricked into it, I truly believe 100% that I was born this way. This is not a choice and it’s not necessarily an easy life but I have learn to accept myself for who I am. I think back from my childhood through my adult life and I am proud to be who I am.
Now if I should just find the right man to share my life with I think I know I would be a much happier person. I kind of think I will be single for a very long time if not for the rest of my life. I also have my doubts about ever having sex again. While I know that a good portion of the gay population is about hook-ups, that is not me. It sounds hot but at the same time you don’t know what your getting yourself into and how an encounter like that can be enjoyable but at the same time have devastating consequences. All I can do is try to find a boyfriend and if it happens great and if not well then I guess I have to deal with it.
I do very much remember growing up and how difficult it was. Kids today I think have it slightly easier because they can come out and a wider majority of the population has a greater acceptance and toleration rate than say when I was growing up.
I think back to the first time I had sex and how awesome it felt and at the same time how apprehensive I was. I think of the guy that I had that experience with a lot. We were childhood friends and we did it more than once. Although he claimed to be straight and denied that we were having gay sex, he didn’t object. At first it was not a big deal. Eventually he got to the point where he didn’t want me to have my eyes open. I always peeked and was caught a few times. Those were certainly the good old days. He had a very common name and therefore is difficult to track but I have tried over the years with no luck. I’d love to know how his life turned out and I think he would be interested in how mine turned out.
I also remember that I had a secret that I couldn’t tell anyone (I also was a bed wetter for a very long time) because it would change how people treated me. I remember feeling different. There is my hair color, the fact that I learned at a different rate than everyone else and then my sexuality. Wrap all of that up in a neat little bow and I felt like a freak. Despite the fact that most people thought I would be a looser, I actually turned out damn well. That’s not to say my life was easy by any means because it wasn’t. Not only did I not have a normal family unit but I was also physically abused and grew up with a mother who used illegal drugs in front of me, not to mention we went on drug deals together. There was palpable tension in the air at each deal. I had a dealer threaten to cut out my tongue if I snitched and guess what I snitched anyway. I was the kid that you wouldn’t want to play hide and seek with because I my laughing would give away my location every time. You couldn’t do the wrong thing in front of me because I would always tell. I’m not sure why I can’t look the other way when people do the wrong thing, but then again I am also glad that I can’t. I really wish that I would have had a more “normal” childhood but I am thankful for what I experienced because it is what shaped and made me the person I am today.
I remember wanting to kill myself more than once because life seemed insurmountable and unlivable. I still have those feelings today from time to time. When I was younger because growing up seemed way too difficult to accomplish. Now that I am grown up, it because of the fact that I am all alone and at times it feels like everyone and everything is picking on me. I tell everyone that my cats are my reason for living, it’s really true because they are the last living memory I have with my late spouse and I also made a commitment to them. I won’t give up on them or abandon them, it’s not in me. I do have great concerns about what happens when they all pass away, considering they are older it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. People tell me I will get another cat and life will go on but I do have my doubts. My point here is it’s not easy being gay but there are many other people in this world that are attracted to their same sex. There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s not sick, twisted or abnormal and it’s not a mental health problem. It can’t be cured or prayed away. I did try to pray it away but that didn’t work out. I always wanted to be “normal” because life seemed to go much better and happier for those that were “normal”. There is no such thing as “normal” it doesn’t exist. Just because your attracted to the same sex, doesn’t automatically make you a pedophile or a sicko. I get that as we get older we want a younger partner it’s mostly about looks which plays a big part in sex and sexuality. I am actually all about younger but I want my partner to be of legal age and preferably in their 30’s or early 40’s.
Why am I rambling on about this? That is a very good question. I just wanted to put it out there with the hopes that it will help someone. A couple of common themes I find in being gay is that a lot of us are about helping people and a lot of us have been abused or come from broken families. It’s a common thread and nothing more. Vanity/looks are much more important in the gay community that I think of any other community in the world. Being good looking, thin or muscular will work in your favor, whereas if you are overweight or morbidly obese your chances of finding someone are less. Also for some silly reason once you turn 30 it’s like you have died in the gay community. Age is truly only a number. I still feel like the same teenager I was just older and with some medical and weight issues. I’ve learned the person inside never, ever changes you will forever see yourself as young and feel like your trapped in an old body.
Life truly isn’t fair but like any game it’s how you play it that determines the final outcomes. You live each and everyday, not once like the saying says. You do only die once. So each day were all given a new chance to change what it is we don’t like if it’s within our control and most things are, even though they might seem like they aren’t. Stand tall, be proud of who you are. Only you know your surroundings best and if you feel comfortable and know it’s safe then come out. Coming out is a lot like life in that you will do it many times in your life and each time you will get the same funny feeling and have the same apprehension and wonder will this person accept me or will they reject me. It’s normal. Being accepted is the very best feeling in the whole world. Being rejected not so much. You also have to be careful that people don’t fake you out by pretending to accept you to your face but behind your back they disparage you. Growing up is scary stuff but hey if I can do it, then anyone can do it. Be you because you are the best you there is and ever will be and no one else despite how much they try or want to, they can’t be you.
I was also in therapy in my teenage years. Oddly enough my therapist was gay. His partner died suddenly and without warning. He was devastated but managed to bounce back. He is the person that told me I am gay, to which I denied it. I didn’t want to be different. However, he was right. I was thinking of him on my commute to work on Friday. Wondering where he is in the world and how things turned out for him. He was in his late to mid 40’s when he was helping me. I remembered being enamored by him and I just wanted to know everything about him, what he liked to eat, what shampoo he used, where he got his haircut, where he lived and I even orchestrated a whammy to get him to drive me home one night after our session, but that didn’t work out in my favor. I hope that he was able to move on and find love again. I could try to track him down but I don’t know that it would be worth it. We did stay in touch for a while, until I had my meeting Jesus experience and then I wanted nothing to do with him. Now I feel horrible in saying that because in truth there wasn’t anything wrong with him but it was probably better that we didn’t keep in touch. I am thankful that I had the therapy experience because it helped me to grow and again become who I am today. Life can be overwhelming at times and there is nothing wrong with therapy or finding someone to talk to in a safe space. At the end of the day we all want to be loved and accepted. Something as simple as a hug makes a world of difference.
While I am hopeful that this has helped someone, I suppose it’s something that I will never know, so I just put this out there and hope for the best. Thanks for stopping by and reading my rambles, a comment or two or three would be equivalent of a hug for me but don’t feel obligated. I am not looking to guilt anyone into that. Be well, be proud and be you! Love yourself and then you will be able to love others.