Happy Father’s Day

Hi, hope that your having a great day!  Last night I watched Straw on Netflix.  It’s a new movie from Tyler Perry.  I watched the preview and Netflix said they thought I’d like it.  I flipped around but wound up coming back to it.  Netflix was spot on and I enjoyed it.  If you like dramas then you will enjoy this movie.  It’s about a woman who is down on her luck and things just continue to spiral downward for her.  It’s a bit of an intense ride and there is violence in this movie.  Best thing I have seen on Netflix in a while.  I am toying with the idea of cancelling my subscription just because there doesn’t seem to be enough content there for the money I am paying.  I’m a long time subscriber.  I used them back when they used to mail DVD’s and eventually went to on-line, it was quite the adjustment to make but eventually I broke away from DVD’s and now here we are streaming, the wave of the future. 

Woke up and once again briefly forgot that it was Sunday but once that clicked I was pretty happy.  The last thing I want to do is go back to work but Monday is around the corner like it or not. 

Made it out to breakfast, Target, the Grocery Store and filled up the gas tank.  Home to unload, get naked, watch TV cuddle with the cats and eventually take a brief nap.  It’s hot and sticky outside, the sun is shining brightly and I’m pleased about that.  However, rain comes back tomorrow. 

I picked up something new Italian Waffle Cookies, Dark Chocolate flavor.  It’s kind of like eating a rice cake but it has some flavor to it.  The store has been advertising Cannoli Chips & Dip but despite looking all over the store I have yet to find it.  Saw a hot stud that worked there and wanted to ask him for his number but I just followed him around since we were headed in the same direction.  Watched his butt in the distance, it was a nice show even if he had clothes on. 

Got my medicine set out for the week ahead.  Peeked at my calendar to see what is planned for the week, mostly a normal week until we get to Friday it’s a little busier than a normal Friday. 

This is the first year in a long time where no one wished me Happy Father’s Day.  Normally I hear it at least once.  Despite it not applying it’s kind of appealing to hear.  I usually tell people I’m a cat daddy.  They either get it or ask me to explain. 

Plans for the rest of the day include hauling the laundry upstairs and putting it away, relaxing a bit more, possibly writing some then heading out for supper.  I plan to stop at the horrible pizza place I went to a couple months ago.  There is one more dish on their menu that I want to try, it’s baked fish.  They have two kinds if memory serves so I will have to make a choice there.  Their pasta dishes are really good and quite filling, I am expecting the same thing tonight with the fish, at least it sounds delicious.  It’s also unique.  I got a family size portion of Spaghetti & Meatballs from the grocery store, thinking of getting take out cheese garlic bread so that I will have it to enjoy with the pasta. 

I feel a little strange about this but mentioning it just to get it out of my system.  I am going back to the police station to drop off a couple thank you notes and gift cards to show appreciation for the ride along I had yesterday.  Part of me thinks that the gift cards are too much and the other part of me thinks it is a nice gesture.  I really wanted to get something from a business that was within city limits but that didn’t happen.  Still I think they will be well appreciated.  I know I don’t have to go this extra mile but it’s just a part of who I am and how I was raised.  The Thank You note is a minimum.  While I don’t expect anything in return if the offer to have me come back again I’ll for sure do it in hopes of seeing more action and the adrenaline rush. 

Well here’s hoping my allergies stay under control because the pollen is sure flying.  Have a great rest of the day and thanks for stopping by to peek into my world for a brief moment.  Take care!

Christmas Eve

I’ve got the big load of Christmas/Santa Claus themed photos scheduled to post a bit later this afternoon. I do hope you enjoy them.

I’ve got two meetings today and hope that they are quick and to the point with not a lot of fluff. I really don’t want to linger on the phone and hear a bunch of drivel. Although since both meetings are being run by my boss, I am sure that may not be the case, kind of depends on his mood.

In times past we would close our offices early and for me that meant after lunch your done. However, that privilege was taken away years ago so it will be a normal full work day but I don’t know how much work will actually get done today because everyone’s mind is on the holiday. I’m so glad that I took the rest of the week off so that I can really relax and get away one final time this year even though it’s only two days it’s better than nothing and I will only be short 3 hours that I am forfeiting rather than a couple days. Never had a problem using time off but it’s kind of a nice problem to have, that is if you have to have a problem.

I also think that the best way to start off the New Year is to take time off which is why I am also off next Thursday & Friday. However, next Tuesday I will be working my fingers to the bone and working late. I am hoping to have everything done by 6:30 or 7p at the latest. It’s just a matter of how the work goes. I am sure the cats will be confused and wondering if I am going to spend the whole night in the basement but we will cross that bridge next week.

I have researched movies that I want to see so hopefully I won’t be mindlessly flipping around for content on the various streaming services. Speaking of which I sure do pay a lot of money to watch TV and for that I think that there should always be something on when I want to watch. Kind of feels like these services are robbing me blind but only occasionally putting out content that I am interested in. Would be great if they would reward their long-time subscribers with a price drop but hey that will never happen.

Last night I was thinking about maybe going to the holiday event my friends are putting on. I remember last year I stayed home and had KFC. That was fun but I just know that depression is going to creep in somewhere and I will feel lousy.

My nose was out of control yesterday no matter what I did or took I couldn’t stop it from running, it drove me crazy. It would stop and start randomly. I figured it was allergies. Well, this morning I know it was not allergies. I feel lousy, my head and neck hurt and in general I just don’t feel good. Looks like my body kind of made the call but I am still going to see how I feel come tomorrow morning before I send a definitive response that I am not coming. Deep down I don’t want to go but would be doing it more for me & my depression rather than to see in general a bunch of people that I could care less about.

I hate being sick no matter when it happens. I will be “working” from my bedroom and taking my chances with my laptop by my side and sitting in either in the recliner or in bed. Know that the cats will be glued to my hip.  I know I could call in sick today but it just seems wrong since I believe it’s going to be an easy day. Then I am off for 5 days in a row and hopefully I can beat this thing and feel better. I do have some plans in theory that only live in my head. I’d like to accomplish them but we shall see.

I wish you all the best this holiday season. Thanks for being along with me for the ride regardless if today is your first visit or you’ve been here for a while.

Take good care of yourselves and I will talk with you all again soon!

Still Bitter Cold

Good Afternoon and thanks for stopping by.  As you can guess by the title it’s still very cold here.  I got a decent nights sleep and got up early this morning.  Shaved, showered and dressed.  Of course you know before I woke up I had to feed the cats or there would be no peace here. 

I debated wearing a ski face mask where only your mouth and eyes are visible.  It’s just that cold out.  I realize it could freak people out and they might think I stopped in to rob a place in stead of to grab a bite to eat or shop.  I opted to not wear it and kind of wish I would have. 

Got breakfast a burger with an egg and fries.  Not bad and I was full.  The place I went to is a regular place that I go.  They are still charging $4 for a soda with refills.  Unless you bring a two liter bottle and ask them to fill it up there is no way you will drink $4 worth of soda.  It’s either that or you just hang out there for hours and drink.  However, I had things to do. 

Made a Target run.  Wouldn’t you know it the one thing I wanted to check out was space heaters and I forgot.  I did find some bakery in the store and grabbed a large Danish that looks more like a Stolen.  I’ve already had a piece and it’s pretty good. 

From Target to the grocery store and then on to fill up the tank.  When I started my journey I pressed the remote in my vehicle to open the garage and I heard the door move but glad I looked before I backed up the door wasn’t open, it only went up a couple inches.  I pressed the remote two more times and the door opened. 

When I came home and pressed the button on the remote don’t you know the damn door wouldn’t open for anything.  If it wasn’t for a lockbox I have I would have been locked out.  I don’t normally travel with keys and have an alarm which is always on, especially when I am out of the house.  I got in through the front door and then used the manual release for the garage and the door lifted right up.  I think it was just too cold for the motor.  Of course after I got my vehicle inside and closed the door I had to press the door button to re-engage the automatic opener and don’t you know the door went up and down with no problem. 

I’ve gotten some battery alerts from my front door camera, the super cold weather is hard on everything.  It looks like it needs a charge up.  Once it warms up that alert goes away and the battery levels are fine. 

I was interested in how much the car battery had in it, even though it started I know the cold just isn’t good for anything.  I hooked up my charger and learned that I had 42%.  I’ve got a charged back up but since it’s going to be super bitter cold for a few more days I plan to go back and do a double check. 

It took forever for me to warm up once I was done with my running but the cats were happy to see me.  I got more litter and treats for them so of course they were happy.  Also, having today off meant that we got to spend time together. 

I watched Good Greif the new Dan Levy movie.  I didn’t shed a tear at all and thought the movie was boring, I dozed off for a brief moment.  I did watch it to the end and my opinion didn’t change.  Interesting plot having a spouse who dies only to learn that he was having an affair while you were married.

After that was done I watched an A I special called George Carlin I am Glad I am Dead.  It was an A I engine that produced the material and it sounded a little like George and the topics and language used kind of matched.  It didn’t make me laugh but did cause me to stop and think which would be my typical reaction to George Carlin.  I get that people are frustrated and upset by not only the title but the fact that a computer was trying to impersonate him.  My mouth flew open with horror when I heard the title but I had to check it out. 

My back is bothering me a little bit from the work I did around here yesterday.  I also have some work to do but that got pushed to later in the evening, which I am not happy about but figured would happen based on a telephone conversation I had on Friday. 

I’ve tweaked my blog a bit and noticed that my Best Male Blogs badge wasn’t rendering and I wasn’t listed on that site any longer.  I submitted a request to get re-added and the kind gentlemen that runs the site has graciously relisted me.  I’ve added a link to the site Gay Demon it’s a list of all kinds of blogs as well as adult sites.  Just wanted to call this out as well as thank the site for listing me again. 

I am off to have some Italian cuisine, feed the cats and watch some TV to continue to pass the evening until I have to do some work.  I had planned on making an event of it by inviting the cats downstairs but now I am just doing it from upstairs to get it out of the way. 

I will be on-call tomorrow and back to the normal bump and grind.  I will hate it but at least I will be working from home.  I do hope that I will be able to get out a bit more next weekend.  I am proud of my accomplishments this weekend, just wish that the weather was a bit warmer and I would have been able to get out a bit more. 

Hope that your warm and well.  Talk with you all again soon.  Be well!

Man Candy - Last one for 2023, enjoy :)

- Cameron Monaghan (US Actor)

- Matt Rife (US Comedian)

- Sean Ford (US Porn Star)

- Alex Grant (US Porn Star)

Victory

Good Morning on this last Friday of 2023.  I hope it’s a great day for everyone!

Good News for me, a couple hours after sending my reply to Amazon I got a response they were working with my bank to resolve the issue.  This morning I woke up to an email from Amazon as well as my bank telling me that Amazon had credited my card.  I figured the evidence I submitted was overwhelming and showed clearly that I did the right thing, followed the rules and deserved the refund.  I’m glad that this little mess is behind me. 

Yesterday I checked the web for trash pick up and the web site indicated they would be here today.  I put the barrel out.  Several neighbors followed my lead.  Hours later I got a phone call after I was done with supper that in fact the route was pushed back by one day and they would be here on Saturday.  Ah, nuts I figured that was the case and that’s why I sought it out on the web.  Should have trusted my gut.  No worries though the barrel sits out for another day.  I will be walking an extra bag out of all of the things I meant to discard but didn’t. 

My day ended quite early yesterday at 3p.  There were some lingering emails that came in that I had to deal with.  An issue cropped up in the evening and a game of ping pong started.  I decided to login and stop it.  I believe I fixed the issue and that ended the emails for the night, which was my goal. 

Watched some YouTube Matt Rife videos which were pretty good.  I tell you that guy is every gay mans walking wet dream.  I wish he was mine but he’s straight and has a girlfriend.  I don’t always laugh at his humor but it’s really starting to grow on me.  I suppose it’s the generational gap.  I think he’s going to be around for a long time and hope that I am correct.  His Netflix special was great as are all of his free specials on YouTube. 

It’s still wet and cold here.  Snow is wrapping up this morning but it’s mixed with rain and you really can’t see any snow.  What little dusting we had has melted off.  I’m still hopeful that eventually we will get blasted with a good storm.  Nothing like sitting in the house, furnace going and looking out the window.  It’s peaceful and very enjoyable.  Want to liven things up, turn on the police scanner and you hear about all of the wrecks and chaos going on.  That can be fun too.  So long as I have plenty of food and am not driving in it I will be happy.  Then I can watch to see if there are any paw prints in the snow.  I just love looking at pure untouched snow.

I’ve wrapped up my morning tasks at work for now.  I’ve got some things to take care of this afternoon and of course have to stay available in case anything rolls in that needs me.  I expect it will be an uber quiet day and I am perfectly okay with that. 

I am not eager to play America’s favorite game, is it gunshots or fireworks.  However, as long as none of it lands in my house or does any harm to the cats and I, I’m fine with it.  I hope it’s not terribly noisy but the crowd here changes all the time.  It’s a medium sized sub-division and houses are bought & sold all the time.  There are some folks like myself who stay put and have been here for a while.  It’s been a little over 20 years for me.  I’ve thought about moving but energy and cost wise it makes more sense to stay put, at least for now. 

The cats permitted me to do some writing yesterday evening.  I was able to grab a shower and go back to it.  Then my eyes started giving out and I knew it was best to quit.  Crawled in bed and watched a little TV.  I was doing pretty good.  Rudy came and sat on top of me and that was it.  TV went off and I was out.  Mora was by my side hugging me.  That napping I did yesterday worked against me.  I was up at 2a but was able to go back to sleep quickly.  Rudy got me up at 6a and I told him he needs to move his clock up one hour, he’s getting me up like we never fell back in time.  I am certain he is hungry but damn I like my sleep. 

We had a nice leisurely start to the morning, I got up and fed them, had my breakfast.  We returned to my room where I threw on some clothes and we sat and watched TV.  Mora came and laid in my lap after we had some play time.  Of course when I got up to come down here they both were wide eyed awake and walked me to the steps.  They will now sit in anticipation of my return, which will occur in a bit.  I will go back up unless something with work comes up.  First, I need to post this and do some surfing. 

Right now the only thing I look forward to in the new year is hanging up the new naked men calendars so that I get a chance of scenery.  I do hope that 2024 is a better year.  2023 wasn’t the worst year ever but it started out rough for me.  Things smoothed out with a little bit of time and there were bumps along the way but it looks like I’ll make it all the way through and be fortunate to see 2024.  I don’t make New Years resolutions because they only get broken.  I just hope that I am thinner, happier and doing better overall in 2024.  Fingers crossed for all the best!  I wish the same to each of you. 

Thanks for your readership and stopping by!  Come back again soon to see how life continues to unfold for me and of course for more Man Candy!

Thankful

Dear Reader,

This time of year is one that some look forward to, some dread and others have no feelings at all.  It’s the start of “The Holidays” and what will feel like watching an egg timer tick by until the end of the year, at least to me. 

I am one of those people that is lonely and feels pain when “The Holidays” roll around.  I do love to eat and Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday, just for the food alone.  Many years ago me and my late spouse were riding around on one of his “adventure trips” where we just drive around to get away.  We passed a place that I had seen many times before.  I looked it up on the internet (I think we were on dial up or just got high speed internet, that’s how long ago it was) and found that it was an Italian Place.  My late spouse wasn’t much for Italian and/or Mexican but those are my primary go to favorites.  He indulged me and we made a trip, that’s when we found that this place was an upscale restaurant.  Prices weren’t exactly cheap but portions were large and the food was phenomenal.  We kept going back to learn that they did Thanksgiving Family Style.  We made reservations for the two of us and walked out that Thanksgiving very full and had a ton of left overs, which are the best part of Thanksgiving.  The following year we invited some friends and they loved it as well.  It soon became a tradition.  Then they invited a friend or two.  Eventually with time my spouse passed.  It was just the 3 of us for that Thanksgiving but we agreed then and there to keep our tradition. 

Fast forward to when COVID hit and restaurants closed.  I had reservations but got a call and that’s when they introduced me to their carryout program.  They changed my reservation to an order and I had Thanksgiving at my friends house.  They invited their neighbors and since then we have done carry out.  Their house offered a much larger table, there wasn’t a crowd of people, you didn’t have to get super dressed up and drive a long distance and we could all take our time.  That’s been our new tradition.  My friends have changed who they invited each year and now the regulars are their neighbor and their clergy and his family.  You can’t swear which I fucking hate and just try to think of myself of at the office to censor my speech.  Once and a while someone will let a God Damnit slip out and I just think it’s funny, but that’s the little kid in me.  This year were set to go to their clergy’s house and as you have read I am not super excited about it at all.  I feel that our tradition has been fucked.  I say nothing because ever since my spouse passed, they pick up the tab and it’s not small by any stretch of the imagination.  The saying beggars can’t be choosers applies. 

If your reading this and wondering what decision I’ve made well I am writing this in the future and posting it the day of Thanksgiving.  So, you will have to come back to find out what I did.  However, since we are so close to the holiday and I did commit, I kind of don’t want to back out plus I don’t want to pass up a free meal and/or be totally alone.  I am leaning heavily on going unless something manages to change my mind.  If I go let’s hope that it all goes smoother than I think it will in my mind.

In years past a tradition that started with a job I had was to make a list of things you are thankful for.  Everyone would post them on a bulletin board and it made a great inspirational piece to pass by and look at.  I brought that home and it’s something that me and my spouse would do.

When you get into the thick of things it’s easy to loose sight of all of the blessings that one has, even someone all alone like me.  I might not have family/friends or a boyfriend/partner but I’ve still got plenty of blessings.  I’ve got a home, two newish cats that adore me, a paid off automobile, a decent job, the ability to work from home, technology (aka creature comforts like high speed internet, cell phone, subscription movie services, cable tv), health (nothing major wrong with me yet, but I am sure my time on that is running out), my memory (even though things can get fuzzy from time to time), an open mind and the list goes on.  If you take time and think about it I’ll bet you that you too could start a list of things that your thankful for.  One of the biggest blessings other than my health is the ability to be able to publish this blog and your readership.  I look at the stats and see that most of my readers are in the US but there are folks in other countries that visit. 

I’ve said all of that to simply say, I am thankful for you and your readership.  Check back a little later this afternoon and you’ll find some Thanksgiving Man Candy.  I hope that it’s a great holiday for you!

My obsession

Hey there, hope that your day is going well. I had a bit of a rough night. It started with me writing (of course) and I set an alarm on my phone, so I knew when to take a pill. I accomplished that task. Then I set a 2^nd alarm so that I would know when quitting time was. I had a bunch of things to do before bed. Mora knew and she tried to help me, but I wouldn’t have it. She kept up, finally I looked at the clock and panic set in. Then I ran around scrambling, do this, do that, go do this. Forgot I needed to shave, it was just a huge race. Then the trash was full, take that bag out, put in a new bag. Then Mora & Rudy wanted their cat nip.

I was exhausted. I watched some porn and had some good fun, figuring that would for sure wipe me out and I would sleep. Nope wide awake. I watched some TV; I passed out without warning and woke up. That’s my clue, I got in bed and then my brain just started. I couldn’t turn it off. I kept thinking about writing, I wanted to change this, change that. I denied myself from doing anything. I got up took one more sleeping pill, waited a bit and that finally did the trick but my mind was still racing. I tried to sleep and magically I passed out. I don’t remember it.

I knew this morning would really suck because it was midnight when I got to bed. Getting up in 6 hours yeah who wants to do that. I forced myself, it was a bit of a struggle but my buddy Rudy made his famous morning biscuits and that did the trick.

My brain was back in the on mode, thinking of writing stuff as I tried to get ready. I managed to leave at a decent time. Then driving I think I hear the strange sound again. Finally, I said to hell with it. I turned up the music and just thought about my drive. Both GPS systems took me the same route – they don’t ever agree in the morning with which way to go. Coming home it’s always the same. Very strange.

I parked and got out, then the humidity smacked me in the face. Holy cow, now I see why it’s great to work from home. It sucks out there and that was 7:20am. It’s going to be much worse when I leave. Today is one of those days where I will for sure miss remote start. Sitting on hot leather is not fun, even with clothes on. I’m glad the seats are ventilated so I get cool air in the summer and warm air in the winter. The heat works much better than the cooling but when I first got this, they were equal. I think I need some refrigerant and then things will be back to normal. The AC works it’s just not as robust in the seat as what it was when it was new.

I’m proud of the accomplishments I have made today. I look forward, as always to going home and seeing Rudy & Mora. Spending what I hope is a nice evening together. We seem to have a routine and they try their very best to keep me on track. I don’t want to pass out cat nip every night. Mora cries and carries on until I give it to her. Rudy is right by her side cheering her on. When I drop the first bit, who ever gets to it is in heaven. The other one is trying to pry their way in and steal what they can, meanwhile I am getting ready to make a second drop, then they both are happy. If I sat Cat Nip that’s enough to get them excited, then grab the jar and open the lid, that’s when the real fun starts. They can smell it and if I’d let them, they would empty the whole jar. I just grab a pinch for each of them. I know too much and Rudy will start coughing and Morea can get sick.

Nothing makes me happier than to know that I have pleased both of them. I often wonder if they think about when I am going to give them up, since they have been bounced around so much. That’s kind of what helped to compel me to step in. I knew that I could make that cycle stop. I do have thoughts of wanting to give them back but I know it would cause serious psychological damage to me and I know it would hurt them too. They are my reason to live, they know how to evoke every emotion possible from me. While they can’t talk, I’m learning their body language and signs, so in effect they are talking sort of. I really wish that cats, dogs and other animals spoke English or a native spoken language where we could carry on an intelligent conversation.

Not to dangle a carrot at you but I am also pleased with myself that I found this whole writing thing and dreaming up fantasies and desires to play out on paper, I am quite frustrated with the fact that it doesn’t seem to have an off switch. Like other interest I have. I can only watch so much TV, see so much porn, drive for so long, eat so much and sleep for so long. I get bored or desire a change. Writing however isn’t that way. I’m thinking about it in some form or fashion throughout the day. It’s become like a drug.

The good news is that my handwriting is getting better. The disposable fountain pens just glide like a rollerball across the paper, it’s like velvet of sorts. Quite an enjoyable experience. There is also no mess and they don’t skip like a traditional fountain pen.

I digress, back on point. I know that my personality has an addictive side. That’s why I don’t gamble. I could sit in front of a slot machine and feed it money until I was bankrupt, then borrow money and spend that as well. I don’t like liquor and I am quite thankful for that because I am positive, I’d be an alcoholic. I’ve had some minor and brief thoughts about trying drugs or smoking but the whole idea just turns my stomach. I lived through first hand experience and saw how drugs can literally change a person and tear them apart, it destroys people they are around as well as relationships, that’s the main foundation for my aversion to them. Sex has always been a huge turn on ever since I figured out what it was, what to do, how to do it and who I want to do it with.

I think my new found obsession is fun. It makes me happy; I don’t care about much of anything. I can easily skip TV and social media. I get pop ups on my phone from the apps, come take a look – I’ve only seen them when I was sick with COVID and didn’t browse for days. Social media is a drug, but I can take it and then leave it. I can’t skip the cats because they get in my fact and make me pay attention to them. While I am pleased, I just want to find a way to write and then turn it off. Not think about it, not want to do it and resume life as normal. I’ve written some stories in the past and it was fun but now I am incorporating guys I’ve had crushes on, guys that I know are straight and guys I know that I will ever have a remote chance with. That is where the thrill comes from. These aren’t just made-up characters, that’s what gives me my passion and drive. I feel like Marvin (one of my many late cats) must have, when we figured out, he was allergic to a particular medication. After the first dose kicked in, he just had to keep going, and going, can’t sit still, must move, have to move, moving is life. Until eventually he’s collapsed from exhaustion. It was like speed and the vet said he’s allergic, throw it away and never ever give it to him again. Oddly enough it was supposed to calm and sedate him. We did that and the drug wore off, he came back to normal and life went on.

My fear or what causes me some concern is, well I only have so many guys I can write about. What happens when I run out of them and all of the stories are written? Will I fall completely apart? Will I be lost? I won’t know for certain until I get to that point in time. Last night the idea hit me, write about porn stars that you like, that sounds like fun but normal average guys that I know or know of seems more my speed. Being addicted to writing, even if it’s sexual fantasy or erotica isn’t a bad thing. Not being able to turn it off and only wanting to do just that is a bad thing. Especially when it interferes with work or life. It’s fun turning myself on thinking up the ideas and it’s also super-hot! I hope that I can find a way to flip a switch and turn it off. I need to sleep, I need to concentrate when I am at work, that’s why coming in today was so critical. Changing my environment helps. I knocked out work that I put off yesterday this morning. I am at a huge lull in my day and its lunch time. Blogging is enjoyable to me as well but it’s got an off switch.

Speaking of which that is a great segway to wrap up this post. Time for lunch and I am eager to get to eating. Got some pre-made sandwich from the store with “pizza cheeses” on it and it just sounds good, despite the fact that I will probably finish off the left-over pizza tonight for supper. I’m a cheese lover for sure. Take care, stay cool, hydrate and try to keep out of trouble. I will try to do the same thing, but no promises. Talk with you all again soon. Thanks for stopping by!

The Meet & Greet

What an emotional day it’s been.  My emotions have had quite the workout since last month.  If I only got that much in exercise I would probably be on my way to being thinner. 

This morning I went out for breakfast per usual.  Saw the waiter, said hello and kept moving.  When I was done with my meal and headed back to my car it was spitting snow flurries.  I took that as an affirmation that things were going to be okay.  I began to pray as I drove to the grocery store and then the water works turned on I kept them in check so that I could drive. 

After my grocery shopping I came home and sacked out like I typically would.  I suddenly thought of it as a Gator nap, just because we would sit together and both of us would fall asleep, her first and then I would follow. 

I woke up and moved to the basement to get in front of the computer to log all of the money I just spent, catch up on email and of course porn.  Then I got a text from the person that setup the Meet & Greet asking if I wanted to move the time up.  I did so that meant I needed to get moving. 

Came up had my left over dinner for lunch so that I didn’t pass out while I was in the middle of meeting the cats.  Then did the dishes and got on the road. 

I of course was early by 10 minutes and had to stand around and wait but it was time well spent.  There were a couple of other people looking at them.  Then they would move on and I would go back and look at them.  It was just like yesterday the girl was in the corner and the boy was in bed sleeping away.  They seemed really relaxed. 

The lady showed up and told me that they might hiss at me and it could take them more than a couple minutes to warm up to me.  I am apparently the pussy cat whisperer, I’ve got something about me that cats are just drawn to me like I am cat nip.  They both warmed up to me right away and the boy started giving me kisses.  At one point he decided I needed to have my face washed.  That felt kind of good, a little exfoliation. 

They like me and I like them.  However, a big part of me wants to pass just thinking that I won’t get to travel and I will once again have responsibilities.  They would also force my hand into moving on.  I would need to clean up the house so that it’s a welcome home for them.  There is a part of me that likes being all alone just for the freedom that it brings.  I can truly for once in my life do exactly what I want and there isn’t anyone to tell me differently. 

I explained my concerns to the lady and told her about how I really haven’t given myself enough time to grieve the loss.  However, while I could pass on them if the time came when I was ready then there is a pretty good chance that they wouldn’t be there for me.  I am the only person that has an interest in them presently.  However, with the others that have been looking at them and even people showing up while I was visiting I think that if I do pass on them that they will have a home pretty quickly.  However, they have been there since September of last year. 

If you know anything about me it’s that I hate making decisions but the time came where I needed to say yes or no.  I used a third option of maybe and setup a second Meet & Greet for Thursday considering that I will be off.  I can visit with them any morning at 8a but they are about a 1/2 hour away and the only time I could see doing that would perhaps be on Thursday if I get impatient. 

I can string this along probably for one additional session but I plan to try to resolve to make a decision on Thursday.  I’ve chatted with a couple friends and they are pushing me to move forward and take them.  I can make all of the excuses that I want to but based on what they have heard they say that I really want them.  They are in a way replacement cats but they will never replace what I had just because it’s different personalities and it would be a fresh start for all 3 of us.  They are young enough and healthy that chances are we would have a long life together.  The one fear that I raised is that how is one going to get along when the other one passes.  The lady told me that some animals that are bonded like that will go on to pass without their companion and others will make it, it just kind of depends on the make up of the animal. 

I can also take them and if I have second thoughts or feel that I made the wrong move I could give them back, and the give back has no time limit on it, meaning that at any point I can exercise that option. However, the poor things have been bounced around and I would be their 3rd home.  3 is supposed to be a lucky number.  You know 3rd time is the charm.  That doesn’t always apply but as a rule of thumb it seems to be the case.  I am pretty adamant that if I give them a home it’s a forever thing and there is no going back to the shelter regardless of how I feel or what they do.  If I would get seriously ill that might be an option on the table but I am pretty serious about my commitments and don’t take them lightly. 

It’s scary to think about what I am actually agreeing to if I take them.  All of the food, the medical costs, litter, time as well as the emotional and physical bonds that would form.  It’s kind of like I am signing up to have my heart broken in the end again.  I honestly don’t ever want to bury another pet but expressing interest, visiting with them and then walking away doesn’t really seem fair to me or them.  I want no hurt feelings for anyone, especially the cats. 

This feels pretty right and the longer I have time to think about it the more that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It really sucks having to make a decision.  I struggle with ordering from a menu unless I know what I really want.  It’s paralysis and overwhelming.  Business decisions are slightly easier for me but I make choices all day long the last thing I want to do is come home and have to make a choice.  I am old, I am tired.  Regardless of what I decide I want to be fully comfortable with my decision and I want it to be the best possible thing for all involved. 

Time for a shave and shower, then some sleeping medicine and well back to Monday and the crazy emotional week that will follow.  I think that I am going to have quite the workout this week and not just because I am getting a massage.  I so look forward to that though the knots are killing me.  Once a year for a massage is far too long to wait, I need to go more often but massages are like anything else in this world, expensive and finding a good massage therapist isn’t easy.

Talk with you all again soon.  Take care and be well.   

Is change coming?

Hello and welcome back!

Things are okay at the moment. I’ve got a Meet & Greet setup for tomorrow with the prospective new cats. I went to see them this afternoon. One was sleeping and the other one was back in a corner just looking around. They are both pretty plump but if all they do is relax and sleep it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than having Gator around. I still have some reservations. Mostly if the timing is right or if I am moving a bit too fast for my own good. I know there will always be cats up for adoption. Have I really given myself enough time to grieve? I’ve kept pretty busy and had very little time to myself where I was all alone. Sure, working from home, I am alone but it’s not quite the same because my mind is focused on work.

Friday afternoon I got to looking at photos and videos of all of the family and I started looking for my goodbye letter to Momma. Turns out I never wrote one. I published a post on my blog and that was the extent of it. However, I embedded a YouTube Video of Charlie Puth and the song When I See You Again, which was written for Paul Walker. I played the video and just reached a point in the song where I cracked. I sobbed and let it all out. I know it’s healthy and I’ve got no shame about crying, it’s a natural emotion. Like any other emotion you can bottle it up but eventually it’s going to come out in one form or another. Might as well just let it go when it hits. It’s the healthy thing to do, kind of like when you need to sneeze or cough. I really honestly thought I was done with crying and that I was comfortable with the fact that she is gone but the truth is that it’s still raw and it’s closing a very long chapter in my life.

My life chapters have been long. They all have evoked every emotion possible and I’ve learned a thing or two a long the way.

Chapter 1 – Figuring out my sexuality & getting comfortable with it

Chapter 2 – Meeting my late spouse

Chapter 3 – The loss of Grandma

Chapter 4 – The loss of Grandpa

Chapter 5 – Moving out of my childhood home & in with my late spouse

Chapter 6 – Taking in Momma, watching her give birth

Chapter 7 – The loss of #1 Son our 1^st cat we had together

Chapter 8 – Taking in a stray & his friend

Chapter 9 – Losing my job, taking care of a sick cat, raiding my 401K and filing Bankruptcy

Chapter 10 – Getting Married then 3 months later losing my spouse

Chapter 11 – Starting to live on my own with 7 cats & a Bankruptcy that wasn’t mine. Losing a job and starting a new one

Chapter 12 – Slowly losing cats & the loss of my mom

Chapter 13 – The Pandemic how it changed me and my life, and Getting COVID and living through it

Chapter 14 – Losing Gator

That’s just off the cuff with little thought. There is plenty more to my entire story but those are kind of the high and low points mixed together. If you asked me a month or longer if I thought that my life would end after Gator passed, I would have told you yes. I did have intentions of ensuring that would come to pass. Why? Simply put I’ve got nothing to live for. The cats were my life and the reason why I got out of bed each day. They helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. Now that they are all gone my heart has a huge crater of a hole in it, it hurts and there just aren’t words that can express how deep that pain is.

Yet I’ve managed to keep on going, despite accidentally almost doing serious injury or worse to myself when I fell into that damn jet tub. I’ve spent lots of money like it’s growing on trees because I simply didn’t care. It’s time to settle up and it hurts. Today I see a bit clearer and yeah, the trip to the hotel and the laptop purchase were necessary at the time but today I could easily live without both. However, that’s not the way it works. You spend the money today on credit, you have to pay for it when the bill comes due and while that might seem like a million miles away it’s here quicker than you know it. I’ve said it a few times before money isn’t an issue, what I did didn’t put me in financial dire straits. It stings a little but it’s kind of like a papercut it hurts for a day or two and then it begins to feel better.

In case you have yet to figure it out, I’m using this post as a form of therapy, which largely is why I got into blogging in the first place. It was to provide a window into my life to the outside world. Strangers that I’ve never met and for the most part probably never will. However, I did get a good friend out of it through some drama that her, I and a bunch of other people fell into. That common thread caused us to bond. I started to type about the drama but that part of my life is over. When I lost my spouse, my friend had experience in that as well and that’s the first time we talked. She lived in Canada and sadly she passed during the pandemic from something other than COVID. It was a sudden thing that just got worse quickly. She was the first person’s funeral that I attended virtually. It was very strange and didn’t really offer much in the way of closure. I spoke with her family and even sent them something to comfort them. We (her and I) had another common thread that brought us together and that was the love of pie. I was supposed to go visit her eventually and we would meet at a pie place. Sadly, that never occurred. I felt bad about it but as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”. Well said and that’s a lesson and a reminder we can all use from time to time.

You and a couple of other people in the world are the only ones who truly know how much hurt, sorrow and loss that I have experienced and how it’s deeply affected me. Having PSTD from the loss of my spouse and then losing cats and my mom it makes me hypersensitive and combine that with my struggle with death and you’ve got one very hurt person.

One can only cry so much and hurt so much. I want it all to stop. I want life to deal me a better hand with more sunshine and rainbows. Throw in a boyfriend, some additional friends and either my job to get better or a new one – even better would be to win the lottery and be able to quit. I’m ready for a New Attitude and a New Life a much better one. I’ve tried slightly before to turn things around and while I didn’t fully accomplish my goal there was a light sprinkle of happiness mixed in. Losing Momma was the start of when things went off a cliff. As I am positioned today the only other person(s) that can die are either people that I grew up with, My Thanksgiving Friends, Work Colleagues or My Brother. I’m not isolated from death but I’ve got a slightly better position than what I had when the cats were all with me. Any additional losses at this point will hurt but short of my Brother I don’t think that any would affect me as greatly as the loss of my spouse and my cats have. I kind of like that insulation and want to be alone but I know it’s not healthy long term, especially when I work from home so much.

In prison they use isolation as a form of punishment or reserve it for someone who has committed such a horrible crime or crimes. In that case you’ve got no distraction, your just stuck in a tiny cell and maybe get an hour a week for some recreation and/or a shower. With nothing but time on your hands and no distraction I can see how it can be so maddening and cause one to quite literally go insane. Yet here I am post pandemic alone and I’ve got my freedom, semi decent health and a couple friends. We don’t function as I think friends should where we get together frequently or do things together. Instead, it’s just someone to be with around the major holidays for comfort and if there is a crisis in my life such as with the loss of my spouse or a cat, they are there for me. However, it’s on a limited basis and there is only so much they can or will do.

Getting two chunky monkey cats would give me company and companionship, which I think would be healthy. It will affect my wallet more and draw me back to the vet that I really don’t want to go back to. It puts a couple of boat anchors or a yolk around my neck and I am encumbered. However, in return for the responsibility I get love, affection and companionship mixed in with a laugh or two here and there. Eventually that relationship will change and the cats will get older as will I. They will need more medical care as will I and I will be right back in the same damn position I was with each cat that I owned where I have to make a decision. That’s the part I want to avoid, that’s the part that causes all of the hurt & pain. Hence why I would kind of rather be alone, even if only a temporary thing and not a long-term thing. I wouldn’t have the responsibility and I wouldn’t have the possibility of something dying on me again.

You can pretty well take this to the bank, if I do it again regardless of how many years I get with them, when they pass then I am out forever. I won’t own another pet of any kind. Primarily because if things go like they are supposed to I will be in my late 60’s or mid 70’s and my health will probably be declining by then. I never really thought about that aspect of my life until I started looking over adoption applications and all of the information they wanted. One of the questions is for what reason would you entertain returning the pet and one of the responses is owner’s health has declined. Wow that’s me I’m going to eventually have serious health problems just like an elderly cat. Think of that, then think of being alone and well its not such a good combo. I can only hope that I will meet a boy, guy, man that will care for me like I cared for my late spouse for many years and through many health events.

I said all of that to fall back to my original opinion that if it’s meant to be it will happen. If for whatever reason this doesn’t work then I will take the warning and stop trying to jump back into cat city and take a break. It might be temporary or it might be forever, it’s kind of like just playing it by ear. However, I think that these two will fall in love with me and that I will wind up adopting them. While they aren’t the Tuxedo cats that I wanted and they aren’t as young as I wanted, they aren’t terribly old. I will know more after tomorrow’s visit and right now I am just in emotional soup. There is some doubt, stress, worry and wondering. Will any of it benefit me, of course not. But I stress out on anything major in my life and this is more than just two cats, it’s a huge financial commitment. Kind of like purchasing a car or a home and well that financial stuff is scary because you know not what lies ahead. While today I have no worry or concern, I am an At Will Employee and my job doesn’t come with a guarantee or contract as to employment. Cats or not, if I lose my job I am screwed and not in a good way. Again, I’ve got no worries or immediate concerns. Not that I am trying to will any bad vibes here but there is that damn black cloud that follows me like my shadow and it puts out some Monsoons from time to time.

On a different note, last night (Friday) I got a whim to try to reinstall Windows on my computer. I started at 8p and it was 2a before I was even close to going to bed. I fixed the search function in Windows and a couple of other issues that were looming. I had to fight to get some customizations reapplied but things seem really stable and good right now. Hopefully, they stay that way. It was just a reinstall of windows on top of what was here, it kept all of my programs and data. I was doubtful if it would work but alas it did, just took its sweet time and with the customization fight that is what took up the larger part of my evening. Nothing like me trying to solve a computer problem, I’m like a dog with a bone and don’t know the word quit. If my little furry alarm clock would have been here, she would have been screaming her head off at me. I’m really surprised that I actually made it to my therapy session. Which by the way went better than the last 2. I am kind of on the fence if I want to keep going now or just stop. I haven’t scheduled anything but I’ve got the ability to. I am entitled to 3 more sessions and I have to schedule the next one within 3 weeks of today or the relationship automatically terminates.

I got some good food for supper, have a little bit left over that will go good for lunch tomorrow. I should pass out rather quickly tonight because I have not had a nap all day long. It’s been pure sugar and caffeine that powered me along with a minor dose of adrenaline.

Going to make a quick call, maybe surf for some porn and then upstairs and relaxing followed by eventually bedtime. I plan to be an early riser tomorrow, get breakfast out and hit up the grocery store. Then try to kill time until I need to leave for the Meet & Greet.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not only reading all of my blather and rambling but just being there with me on this journey that we call life. You are appreciated! Take care and I’ll be back with an update on how things go.

Oh Brother!

This whole back to work thing was much harder than I thought it would be.  I had problems sleeping, woke up early enough that if I really wanted to I could have made it to the office.  However, it was like 20 degrees outside and there was no way I was going out in that.  In fact this entire week I heard is going to be colder than it has been since 1990.  I remember that fun Winter and honestly do not see myself getting out until it’s necessary. 

Lots of people are off this week so a lot of the bullshit is tampered down a bit but hey were only on Monday and I am cleaning up from last week.  I came back to a very full inbox of 668 messages plus 5 items in my voice mailbox, most thankfully were just missed call notifications.  I don’t know how I managed to do it but I have torn through all of the email.  I am playing catchup with people that are leaving at the end of the year which is always a bit hellish. 

I told my team that I am only working a 1/2 day on Friday as I have an appointment.  It’s for my 2nd therapy appointment but I decided that I am going to visit my friends that I spent most of last week with, just for a couple hours and then it will be time to head back to therapy and I might grab a bite to eat while I am out.  I had planned to visit them on Saturday but they could be closed I wanted to make and take some time to go see them. 

Hard to believe but last week at this time I was spending my final moments with Gator.  I can’t believe that it’s already been 1 week – a very long week but nevertheless 1 week.  I was such a wreck last week and I’ve come a long way.  I honestly thought I was done with crying but I had drafted a note to send to some co-workers because a few of them always asked about the cats and I wanted to let them know.  I did some last minute editing and it just struck me wrong and the waterworks turned on again.  I didn’t want to send the note to my one co-worker who turned out to be an ass but I figured someone would probably forward it to him so might as well include him.  No surprise I’ve gotten several responses but nothing from that asshole.  Not even a simple I’m sorry for your loss.  How much fucking work does it take to say that?  It’s like a knee jerk reaction for most people.  I hate that I found out this late that he’s an asshole but nothing like a crisis for peoples true colors to show through.  Funny thing is that he was there for me with Momma and Marvin so I don’t get why he changed but that’s not for me to figure out.  I’m done with him.  I’ll work with him because I have no choice but it doesn’t mean I have to like him.  I’m a pretty transparent person once we establish a connection and his being an asshole adds to my hurt but I don’t think he gets it.  Today’s youth sucks and not in a good way, just my opinion. 

I am not really taking lunch and of course I’ve got no alarm clock to meow at me that I am working too much, time for a break.  I just glance down at the clock and can’t believe how far into the day we have gotten since I plopped down here at 7a this morning.  The days tend to pass by rather quickly when I am working. 

No surprise I went virtually looking at cats as well as dogs.  There are a limited number of cats but there seems to be an endless supply of dogs.  I found a cute older English Bulldog that just screamed my name but his age is against him and I’d be setting myself up for medical bills as well as the whole loss things so I’m not going there.  I think English Bulldogs are cute and I’ve always wanted one but I hear they don’t live long and they tend to have health issues.  Part of me kind of wants to get a cat before Christmas just so I am not all alone but I am being true to myself and just letting things play out.  I know I need a break despite not wanting to take one.  Kind of like how I just start working and never want to stop. 

On a positive note my shoulder seems to be getting better.  Figures I wasted all that time in the ER and ran up an expensive bill for nothing.  At least I got peace of mind nothing was broken, torn or out of place.  Shame they didn’t bring in a physical therapist to give me a massage, I could really use one of those.  I am a knot factory and it probably has something to do with my sedentary lifestyle.  I am slowly killing myself just doing my job.  One thing I’ve learned in this job more than once is when something happens to me, my employer is T-Totally fucked.  Just a week away and I have all kinds of messes to clean up.  It was the same thing earlier this year but I was gone for a couple months so the messes were greater.  I hate that part of my job which is kind of why I always dread going back. 

I hope that your warm and having a great Monday this week before Christmas.  Next Monday will be a holiday for me so I can do whatever.  I long for down time and time when I know my phone won’t ring from work.  I want it to ring but work seems to be the only caller.  I need to work on changing that.  Need some friends calling me and maybe a man or two!  Cheers for now.

Very Expensive & Emotional Week

I’ve spent the bulk of the week hanging out at a local business in town and chatting with the owners and their staff. It helped keep me busy and away from home. I talked a bit about Gator. I know that I was a HUGE pain in their ass but I didn’t prevent or hinder their ability to conduct business and there were frequent interruptions. Work always has a way to come calling, regardless of what you do.

It was refreshing for me not to have to think about work and no one has reached out. My initial plan was to take M-W but I figured what the hell, 18 years is a long time and this is quite a profound loss in my life. Might as well take 2 additional days. So, I was out all week plus last Thursday & Friday which were scheduled in advance for me to see the doctor and have a bit of an extended weekend. I’ve still got a week and a couple days left and once the new year starts, I will begin to accrue more time.

When it comes to alcohol, I normally maybe drink 1 or 2 Pina Colada’s per year. This week I have had 2. I would like many more! I’ve spent money eating out for breakfast and dinner. One day I had lunch out but mostly I have skipped lunch all week long. My body would normally rebel and my sugar would seriously drop so I would have to eat something but not this week. I’ve deprived myself from going to the bathroom and just holding it. I really don’t care about anything.

My sexual desire has been greatly diminished for weeks now. I got the desire on back on Wednesday (I think). I watched some porn. Not to brag or gross you out but damn I shot the biggest load of my life. It was like a rocket and I’ve never in my life seen a load like that exit my body. Yeah, it felt good. I figure that things are starting to normalize. I do get pretty horny still, but I right now I don’t always act on those feelings.

I booked a trip for Thursday at a local hotel about an hour away. I had a suite with a jet tub (Jacuzzi but it wasn’t official branding). Prior to leaving town for the trip, I bought a laptop. What I wanted was out of stock and they could order it but that would take a couple extra days. I wanted a computer to take with me and didn’t want to lug along my work laptop. Primarily for security issues, if the damn thing got stolen or lost it wouldn’t be a good look for me. I do NOT like Windows 11 but that is what ships on all new machines. I played with it when I got to the hotel and got it setup. It looked neat but some of the things that I can do in Windows 10 I couldn’t do in Windows 11.

When I woke up, I was horny and normally I don’t wake up with sex on the brain since I have gotten older. It was quite common when I was younger. I used that laptop to remote in to my home computer and I watched some porn from bed and had some fun. Great way to start the day. Again it gave me a sense that things were normalizing.

I haven’t had a massage in a year and figured that the jet tub would help me. Yeah, I actually fell into the tub and landed on my shoulder. It’s sore beyond belief but otherwise I am fine other than being a bit shaken and pissed off. The room in general was okay. The trip overall was nice but I didn’t quite get the escape I had hoped I was going to. It was overpriced but on-sale. I got the room for $249 but normally it’s like $500. I could have stayed 2 nights but after they add on fees and taxes it would have worked out to be ½ of my mortgage payment and I figured might as well come home. I was super disappointed they didn’t have a restaurant on-site so there was no room service. I thought I would order that for the 1^st time in my life but no such luck. I walked to a local Italian place that was recommended, they were super snooty and way overpriced. I’ve been fucked multiple times this week and each time is not enjoyable and there has been no lube. Yes, I am speaking metaphorically but I kind of figured that life would throw me a break, given the circumstances. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

I’ve made arrangements through my EAP to see a therapist and my first session was yesterday. The therapist is a bit of a ditz, she doesn’t pay close enough attention and she asks questions that were already answered if she would just listen. Based on our initial meeting I like her somewhat. It sounds like she has some different approaches to dealing with grief than what I have been through before. She tells me that I will get to the angry stage, yeah, I think I’ve kind of already been there. My employer will pay for a few visits so this won’t be something long term because she doesn’t take my insurance. Honestly if I think I still need to talk to someone I can always find a therapist on my own it’s just making time to see them and re-telling my story which does tend to get old after a while.

My dumb brother checked up on me, much to my surprise he was the last person I expected to hear from and don’t know that he will continue to follow up. We had a super short text message exchange. My thanksgiving friends have yet to follow up since I met up for lunch on Monday and I had to push to make that lunch happen, I almost didn’t have a place to land which was frustrating. So far as I know were still on for Christmas.

I’ve got mail all piled up around here and plenty of stuff to take care of, none of which I want to deal with. Today is the first day that I have spent any length of time at home. It’s kind of odd and boy this place is sure super quiet without my noise maker. I keep expecting her to shout out.

It’s been quite the physically and emotionally draining week. My body doesn’t permit me to sleep in much I am usually up by 7 or at the latest 8. Normally in a hotel I sleep like a baby but not in the place I went to. It was noisy and I forgot about that aspect of staying in a hotel. I woke up multiple times.

My shoulder pain got worse so I went to the ER last night. I got to see a helicopter land. I feel really bad for the person and their family that they called it for. You don’t just call for a helicopter unless it’s something uber critical. That’s how my spouse was transferred to a better hospital when he had his 2^nd stroke. I figured I would be in this place for 4 hours. Nope it was only 2. I guess maybe I do have some good luck. Nothing is broken, torn or out of place. I’ve also got the early on set of Arthritis, but that isn’t an emergency. They kicked me out and told me to take OTC pain relivers. My bigger worry is how they will code this so that my insurance pays. I think I may have a fight on my hands. I should have told the hotel that I fell but since it was my fault I didn’t bother.

Tomorrow will be my first day back since all of this unfolded. I am going to try to use today to my benefit and get stuff filed, put away and perhaps take some time to relax. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that next weekend is Christmas. I am so not ready. I don’t look forward to playing catchup but at the same time keeping busy might actually help me. My entire life is routine based and if you screw with my routines it messes up my entire day. I’ve got my next therapy session scheduled for Friday so I will get to leave work a bit early (unless I happen to be on-call, which I hope I am not. I was supposed to be on-call last week but that obviously didn’t happen.). Then a 3-day weekend, which I will kind of look forward to. Problem is that I will need to remember to do my grocery shopping on Saturday morning because the stores around here all close in the evening and they won’t be back open until after Christmas.

You may or may not be surprised at this but I went looking at cats yesterday. I managed to run into the Manager of a local Animal Shelter. After hearing my story, she encouraged me to adopt and told me that right now it would only cost me $25 some company is sponsoring adoptions so all of the normal fees are paid for. Yeah, I see the incentive and I kind of would like to bring one of them home but first there are so many of them and being the kind soul, I’d love to take them all home. However, that can’t happen. Secondly, I am still recovering from a loss and know that right now it’s way too soon. I would view a new cat as a replacement instead of a new pet and I just don’t think it would work right now. That’s not fair to the cat or to me. I did have a couple of them standout to me. One of which was a mom who just raised her kittens and they were all adopted out. She is looking for a home and kind of reminds me of My Momma cat. However, she’s not a lap cat and she doesn’t like to be picked up. She will curl up at your feet or sit next to you on the couch and she loves to be petted but other than that it’s kind of hands off. I honestly can’t take burying anyone or anything else right now. It’s just too much to absorb. I may cave and get a cat or possibly two but not right now. I need time for me and to see where I am at when I get through this grief period.

I’ve been with Gator from the moment she was born 18 years and 5 months ago until the day she died. I’d rather go back in time and start to meet her all over again but I know that’s not reality. I can’t just wipe out her memory and get over her passing with the stroke of a pen or a couple days. This is a pretty profound loss, one that I knew eventually would come and it marks the end of an era. She was my last living tie back to the life that I once had, her family and even my spouse. I’m at peace with the decision I made to let her go because it wouldn’t have been fair to her to keep her going just for my benefit. Things would have continued to worsen and I honestly don’t think her appetite would have ever returned so it would have been prolonging the inevitable. I do miss her and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I know that what is so fresh now with time will eventually fade into the background and be minimized. I do believe that I am pretty well done crying over the loss. That got old but I have to let it out, I can’t just hold it all in otherwise that would turn me into a ticking time bomb.

I do plan to eat my feelings this week, I bought all sorts of crap that I know I shouldn’t eat but damn I kind of feel like I earned it. The toughest decision tonight will be what is for dinner. I think I might have an answer but have to double check the fridge. It was nice to eat out all last week but damn that gets expensive really fast. The vet bill is paid for. I just have to pay off my laptop and the trip. The rest of the expenses like food and gas aren’t horrible and I should be able to take care of them without having to tap my savings but it’s still there is if I need it.

Here's hoping it’s a better week for me and a great week for you! Thanks again for your readership, thoughts and comments. It means more to me than you know. Take care!

Happy Thanksgiving

Good Morning and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is my favorite holiday primarily because it centers around food, which is something that I love.  It’s also the one time of year that I get Italian Sausage Dressing and it’s so good and it’s gone way too fast.  I have a Friendsgiving rather than a traditional Thanksgiving which is usually spent with family.  My family, other than my brother has all passed.  Me and my brother are polar opposites and don’t get along that well.  I’d like to talk with him more often but he’s got his wife and her family that smother him and have converted him into their cult behavior so he doesn’t think of me, which is fine. 

This is a holiday that centers around being thankful.  I am most thankful for my old little girl Gator and that she has made it 18 long years.  I pray that she keeps going for many more.  I’m also thankful that I have a decent job, a great ride and a house.  That I am financially making it.  I’m not rich but I’m not starving either.  There are many other things to be thankful for, one of which my grandfather used to remind me of which is my health.  He said if you have your health then you have plenty to be thankful for.  That is very true. 

I miss my family both my late spouse and my furry family that have all passed.  I wish they were healthy and here with me.  I know that I would be much happier.  However, I am thankful that I got to know them and care for them. 

If you stop and really think about it, no matter what your life is like you can find plenty of things and people to be thankful for.  I hope that you are able to enjoy this day with family and/or friends and have a meal and make some memories. 

Thanks for stopping by and for your readership.  May this be a great day for all of us to take time to reflect for all of the things we are thankful for. 

Fifty Years ago on this day

September 2, 1971 a day that I will never forget. It was the day I was born and that was fifty years ago today. I was supposed to be adopted. A wealthy couple was in line to get me but my mother’s mom saw me and because I had red hair that changed everything! In the blink of an eye, I went from being brought up by a wealthy family to a middle-class family with average income. My mom’s father was so excited that I was being born that he backed into a telephone pole at the hospital when parking his car. That’s a story that I was reminded about over the years growing up. I’m glad that I was raised by family and got to meet other relatives over the years. I do wish that I wasn’t physically & mentally abused and I also wish that my father had the guts to stick around and marry my mom, so that I could have had a more normal childhood. My grandmother was my savior and she ensured that I had most of the things I wanted and was comfortable. While my grandparents would be older than dirt today I kind of wish they were around to see how I turned out, I know that they would be proud. They may not have been comfortable with my sexuality but absent that I don’t think they would have any complaints. They both did a great job raising me and my brother. I know they tried the same with their daughter (my mom) but she was a flower child and fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn’t their fault.

When I look back as to how the world was then compared to now it does seem that it was a much simpler time. There for sure was no internet or technology around, landlines & pay phones were your methods for voice communication. People focused more on their families versus today where everyone has to be on their cell phone while they eat and people don’t really have family dinner every night like they used to and there isn’t near the level of communication and closeness that existed “back in the day”. 

I think everyone sees a lot during their lifetime. Thus far I have been through countless deaths, been to probably two dozen weddings, ate at restaurants that are no longer in business today, worked a number of jobs, received exactly two speeding tickets and one verbal warning, been in seven accidents (two of which occurred when I was a child and wasn’t driving), spent a lot more money than I have managed to save and the list goes on. I have felt every emotion that one can possibly experience, made mistakes and learned from them as well as gained a lot of knowledge. I’ve made it out of some impossible situations and overcome obstacles that I never thought I would. In short, I’ve kind of amazed myself.

I always knew I was different from others from a very young age. First it was my hair color and I was teased about that for years. It wasn’t until I was in my teenage years that I started to love having red hair. Second was my ability to learn and the fact that I didn’t progress in grade school as all of the other kids did. I was labeled as “LD” or Learning Disabled. There were other kids exactly like me but it took some time before our paths would cross. Basically, I needed more individualized attention than any teacher afforded me. I was told that it was possible to grow out of it but when I started High School I was in a mix of regular and LD classes, that continued until I graduated High School. That caused me to despise education and is the reason why I never went on to college or any higher learning. I’ve pretty well snapped out of it by now. I found that if I am truly interested in something I can soak up knowledge like a sponge. That’s how I managed to get into Technology and gained all of my knowledge on my own by reading, watching TV and of course hands-on real-world experience. People refer to this as self-taught. While I am not a lucky person, in this area I managed to really clean up and put myself into an upward moving career that pays well. Third was my sexuality and that was the biggest obstacle to overcome as far as growing up is concerned. You have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. That didn’t click totally 100% for me until I was in my thirties. Coming out to people and provided it goes well does give you some confidence and builds towards that goal of loving yourself. However, if you have an experience that goes sideways or people reject you because of your sexuality that can and does do damage. That happened to me at a young age and again after the death of my spouse. It is true that you don’t know who your true friends really are until there is a crisis. When I was younger, I kept hearing people tell me that it gets better as you age with regards to being gay. There is truth to that and I think that society as a whole has evolved and made a lot of progress as for acceptance or for at the very least people not to care one way or the other regardless what your sexual orientation is.

Age is truly just a number but it a number that I think we all obsess with a bit too much and it is a reminder of your mortality. For all intense and purposes presuming that I live to be 100 half of my life is over, that is a bit scary to think about. Presuming that is the case my hope for the next 50 years is to laugh more, find love, make a lot of friends and to live in comfort. Sure, I’d say I want to be wealthy but unless I happen to win a lottery or some other type of prize like that or manage to marry into money chances are it won’t happen and that’s okay. Just as long as I have enough money in my name so that I can be comfortable, not necessarily wealthy but also not pinching pennies or wondering where or how to make my next dollar.

I was told when I was younger that I share a birthday [meaning the date September 2^nd] with a lot of famous people. I just did some internet research and indeed it’s true. The most notable to me are Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Connors, Mark Harmon, Terry Bradshaw and Christa McAuliffe. If your interested to find out additional people on this list, check out the link below  https://www.brainyquote.com/birthdays/september_2

I do wish that I had my family [my late spouse & the cats I have lost over the past seven years] here with me to help celebrate this birthday, that would mean so much to me. A birthday is much like a holiday to me where I hyper focus on the fact that I am alone and that of course inflames my depression.  I never thought I would be single, yet alone 50 and single. 

When I was much younger, I never thought I would see 30 or 40 and now I am looking at 50. My brother for some reason shared the same point of view about his 30’s and 40’s but I have no idea how he will feel when he turns 50. It would be nice to reconnect with him as well but only if it would mean that I wouldn’t get crapped on or hurt in some way. I don’t foresee that happening and today will likely pass without a word from him as has been the case for many of my birthdays in the past. It’s just as well and something that I have learned to live with.

While my birthday won’t be nearly as special as it could be I am at least glad and fortunate that I don’t have to spend it all alone. I am also very thankful that Ms. Gator is here and has made positive progress from where we were just a few short weeks ago. Having her here and doing so good is the greatest gift I could have. I think God did me a huge favor and only because I asked did it happen.

Here’s hoping that the best is yet to come! Thanks for coming along with me on my journey through life. Talk with you all again soon!

More good news

Last night I finally got a note from my doctor that says that I should stay working at home until the spread of the virus is at a minimal level.  That probably goes way beyond saying I will be here for the rest of the year, that could easily mean yet another year at home but it’s a wait & see situation.  This morning I reached out to my HR department and of course they have a process for this.  I’ve started the process but don’t yet have confirmation they are going to accommodate my request.  Hopefully, they will get their act together and we can push this through so I know before I go out for a week of vacation.  I did tell them that I was off next week so I can only hope they will move faster rather than at average speed. 

My Ms. Pac Man game arrived yesterday but unfortunately what was advertised on the web and what I got were two different things.  The one game that I was looking for besides Ms. Pac Man was not there.  Instead there were 3 other games I have never heard of.  While I am playing with the machine for a day or two I have already started the return process.  I found something that should have the other game but to compromise I have to have regular Pac Mac instead of Ms. Pac Man.  My late grandmother fell in love with Ms. Pac Man and ever since I learned that I preferred it over Pac Man but hey it’s essentially the same game but some different graphics.  The new machine should be here the day before my birthday so once again I a package to watch for and look forward to opening. 

Gator is still progressing right along but still waking me up at night.  She is finishing cans of food either in one sitting or takes multiple trips until she needs a new can.  This in and of it’s self is positive progress.  All systems are functioning normally and she is both eating & drinking.  I just hope this remains the case for the foreseeable future. 

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Need to get back to the fun that is work.  Hope all is well in your world.  Thanks for stopping by, your positive energy, prayers and thoughts.  Cheers!

One Year Ago Today

My life changed forever one year ago today.  It’s the one year anniversary of the death of my Momma (cat).  I can still vividly recall the looks she gave me while she was waiting to die.  She hung on so very long until it was just the two of us together for one last moment and then she let go.  Don’t get me wrong all of my pets that have passed have been painful but each one of them is special and as such I grieve their losses slightly different. 

It’s hard to fathom that it’s already been a year, given that in mere weeks it will be a year since I have been locked away working from home.  I feel like I have lost all concept of time and everyday is Blursday.  Meaning one day blurs to the next and I can’t tell if were on Sunday or Friday. 

My momma was a special woman and she never ever forgot that I was her savior.  I’ve never had a cat worship me and be so very thankful for rescuing them.  It was one kind gesture on my part but she remembered it every day there after.  She also had a place to raise her family, she knew that her 2 human companions would take care of her and her children.  I am fairly certain she wondered when her children would leave home and one day just gave up and realized they were all here to stay.  I think she had mixed feelings about that, but I am glad that it worked out that way.  I am so very proud of her and all of her children.  They are and were wonderful cats. 

If you would have asked me years ago before everyone and everything started dying, how my life would have played out I couldn’t have imagined how rich it would be with memories.  I also wouldn’t be able to tell you how broken my heart would be or the state of utter depression that I am in.  Nor how truly lonely I am.  Granted the pandemic has some affect on my overall state of mind, but I wouldn’t wish the negative that has made up the majority of my life on anyone.  I am fully aware that things can always be worse and for someone out there they probably are, compared to my situation. 

As I sit here and type this I can’t also help but think about how very difficult it will be the day I have to part ways with Momma’s last child.  She (Gator) was the third born and the one who has hung on the longest.  She is aging but I don’t think she will be checking out for a while and that is exactly what I need.  We (her and I) are each others world and we depend so much on the other.  She needs much more from me that I do from her but she knows her part and she helps more than she knows.  She also drives me more crazy than she knows.  I love to watch her sleep.  She gets into some very cute positions and it’s just down right funny to see her bury her face in her bed to block out the light.  There is no doubt that she misses her family as much as I do.

One thing is certain, I know Momma is, was and forever will be proud of me.  I did right by her and her family.  Still that doesn’t ease the pain I still feel to this day.  I am used to the fact that she isn’t around.  I am at peace that she is no longer suffering and that I no longer have to worry about her passing or when to make “the call”.  I still wish that she was here to comfort me and see the progress that I have made.

Just like she never forgot that I was her savior, I too will never forget her and while she may not roam the earth, she is forever alive in my heart as long as it continues to beat.  I am so very glad and grateful that our paths crossed.  It was a huge risk for me to bring her in to our home and I never ever thought I would be allowed to keep her, but the reward was in getting to see her grow and raise her family.  She had a great life with us and it would be one that I would wish for if I was a cat.  Each of my cats has taught me something.  The lesson from Momma was take a chance, you never know how it will turn out.  She had lots of houses to try to get food from for her and her kids when she was carrying them, but she chose us.  We fed her, we watched for her and ultimately one day we made her ours.  If our paths had never crossed just think each of us would have truly missed out on something special.     

Rest In Peace Momma, I miss you and will continue to honor my promise to you.  I hope that we are reunited again some day.

In case your new here

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. In case your new here, I wanted to tell you about me. I’m gay, but you probably figured that out by the title of my blog. I have a witty and also a dry sense of humor. I believe at least some of it was inherited from my late grandmother or so I’d like to think. I am verbose or in simpler terms I like to talk. Sometimes that can get me in trouble and other times it keeps me out of trouble.

I am in my late 40’s, I am out of shape but with a little work that can change. I am a type 2 diabetic and have a lower back injury. I’ve got an ongoing battle with depression, but outside of that I’m well. I prefer the air-conditioned office to working manual labor. I am a masculine guy. My taste in men varies but in general a little bit but not too much muscle, smooth but not overly hairy. I am most definitely an ass man. The smaller the better and of course there is nothing wrong with a bubble butt. I get that there is more to a man than his body and while I can look for hours at beautiful men and obsess at the end of the day, I’m not about the hook up, I am about building a relationship so I don’t have casual sex, ever. It sounds like fun but just not my cup of tea. I love food (hence part of the reason why I am out of shape). Italian, Mexican and American are my favorites. I can be a picky eater. I don’t like exotic things or gourmet food. Give me something classic like a Burrito, Lasagna or a Pork Fritter. Sweets are my downfall. Donuts, Cake, Pie, Ice Cream, Cookies and most any kind of pastry. My childhood neighbors ran a bakery and they were forever giving my family things from their shop. I think that is part of the reason why I just love sugar.

I was together with my spouse (an older man) since I was around 18 or 19 years old. It’s around 25 years total that we were together. While we were together for years, we weren’t married until 4 months before he passed away. He had lots of health problems but as long as he took his medication, he was fine. Long story short he became confused and like me he had a love for sugar. He stopped taking his blood thinner medication for what is estimated to be around 3 months and began consuming Coca-Cola like it was going out of style. He thought he was taking his medicine but in reality, he wasn’t. There were signs and plenty of them but I didn’t realize it until it was far too late. He had a massive 2^nd stroke (the first one happened many years back, after a doctor gave him too much clotting medicine while he was undergoing a surgical procedure). He was on life support and I had to make the decision to remove it because there was no chance for a meaningful recovery and/or a quality life. While it might sound like an overwhelming decision it was actually the easiest thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong it was difficult but we had talked about it and expressed our wishes. We had legal paperwork to back up our decisions so they were in writing. We always thought that he would go first and it’s probably better that way. He was my rock and shield, he taught me a lot of things in the time we were together. Like in any relationship/life there were good & bad times. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having met him.

Once he passed away, I didn’t and still don’t care that much for living. I am going on for one major reason and that is the cats. My hope is that I will meet a guy and fall in love, that will be reason enough to go on and hopefully I will once again find happiness. At the time he [my late spouse] passed away I had a menagerie of 7 cats. 5 of them were family. I took in a pregnant female cat years earlier and she had 2 boys and 2 girls. He named her children (I got to name her) and once you name them, your stuck with them. Say what you will but it’s the truth. I did try to give them away and he claims to have tried but it just didn’t come to pass. Earlier this year I lost Momma that pregnant female I took in 17 years ago. She never, ever for a second forgot that I was her savior. After my spouse passed away, she did a wonderful job looking after me like a mother would and reminding me when it was time to wake up, time to go to bed and of course time to feed her and pay her attention. 1 of her sons and 1 of her daughters are still with me. Her daughter has taken her place, in that she is looking after me, while it’s not the same thing I can easily see the resemblance.

I was raised by my mom’s parents. I had a relationship with my biological mom but never met my biological father, because he chose to disown me. After my grandfather passed away in 1998, we got a house and moved in together. He wanted a brand-new house and I am the one who gave him the idea of just buying one that was on the market. He had a dream to one day live in the subdivision we are in. I am not quite fond of it at all but like any good husband I supported him and his dreams as he supported mine. The place was a few years old but in excellent shape. Once we moved in, we found issues and it quickly earned its name “The Money Pit” yes, just like the movie. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the movie just minor things but it was frustrating. The house is getting old just like it’s occupants and it needs work. I am not a handy man or a mechanic, nor am I a wealthy person. I am barely middle class. I have a few nice things but a large bank account isn’t one of them.

As you can well imagine it felt like my world came to and end when he passed away. We weren’t open about our sexuality. Those people that needed to know, knew but otherwise as a couple we elected to keep it quiet. Once he died, I was all too eager to tell the world as I wanted to do many years earlier. There was hurt from that and he told me that would happen but at least I don’t have to feel like I am hiding. I don’t walk around with a shirt or a bumper sticker and I am not out at work to the company. I have told my boss and a few co-workers. I made the mistake of telling a former co-worker and one day we didn’t get along because she turned into a cunt, then she announced it to the office behind my back. I of course didn’t find out until the damage was done. Sadly, many more people than I want to know, know but it is what it is. I am a private person and don’t like to live in the limelight.

I am not boasting or gloating but I have dealt with a lot of shit in my lifetime and been in plenty of situations where it didn’t look good for me. Somehow things managed to turn around and I survived. There is absolutely no doubt that my late spouse would be nothing short of proud of me and who I am today. Knowing that also helps to keep me pushing on.

I don’t really have any friends. That is a scary thing when you find yourself sick or like now when there is a pandemic. I’ve got a married older couple who I refer to as my thanksgiving friends. They have been by my side from the time he got sick and died but with time our relationship is slowly starting to fizzle or so I feel. I am always calling them; they never call me except when it gets close to thanksgiving. I make reservations and we go out to eat as a matter of carrying on a tradition that me and my late spouse set many years ago. I don’t think that will be the case this year with the pandemic looming, but hey we still have a few months so it’s possible but I don’t have high hopes.

I have been on countless dating websites and apps. I went on 2 dates. One of them was because I agreed to pay upfront. The other guy was poor or claimed to be. The photo he sent me was touched up because in real life he was covered with warts and you could easily tell he was gay because when he spoke, his purse fell out of his mouth. He tried to get me to come back to his place and I know he wanted sex but that didn’t happen. He poured on the pressure for weeks, to the point where I had to be an asshole and just tell him to leave me alone. The second guy well he was younger than me, had wealthy parents and he was more interested in being on his phone than on a date with me. He ended the date abruptly by running out of the restaurant. He just suddenly had to go and said keep in touch. Yeah, we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. Striking up a conversation on an app is difficult at best. You start with a hi how’s it going and get a hello and fine back. Then it’s awkward really quick. I don’t like alcohol and I am not a smoker, which is why you won’t find me at a bar.

COVID has really put a halt on my dating efforts. I found a website called meet up where you can join a group of people who have a common interest, the group meets up in person and that’s how you make friends. There are plenty of LGBT groups and one of them happened to be a foodie’s group which I thought was perfect for me. They decided to still meetup after the initial ban was lifted in our area but that was just too risky for me. I have since dropped out and have plans to rejoin once life returns to a state of normal. I hope that I will be able to meet a guy that way. It’s kind of tough to ignore a person when they are sitting across from you, whereas in digital form it’s really easy to ignore someone.

Speaking of digital form, that leads me to what I do for a living. I am an IT Professional. I started out in support where when someone forgot their password, I would be the person they called or they didn’t know how to work a program or the machine was doing odd things. Yeah that was me, Mr. Fix it to the rescue. I am 100% self-taught. I graduated High School and have 0 college and 0 certifications. Today I am a senior cyber-security analyst protecting a large organization. I am thankful in that anywhere I can get an internet connection I can work. My employer prior to COVID wasn’t terribly receptive to working from home but today the entire organization is working remote. I am really particularly proud of my professional accomplishment. People actually seek me out to ask for help or my opinion, it’s really great. My employer takes care of their people and as of tomorrow I will be there 6 full years and hopefully with many, many more to come.

I’ve got a brother who is one year younger than me. We are polar opposites. He likes girls and manual labor. I like boys and air conditioning. We were brothers when we were younger but that quickly came to an end. We have been estranged. He’s my brother and I have a love for him but every time I get around him something bad happens. He’s more of the white trash type person and that’s not how he was raised but he met a girl and she has smothered him, cutting off all of his friends. I’m convinced she killed our mom but I can’t prove it. I think she is working on killing him next and it’s just best for me if I stay as far away from them as possible. He married her a year ago after they broke up, he just decided one day that he couldn’t live without her and snapped. She is a money grabber and he’s dumb enough to give her all of his money. I feel my blood starting to boil, so I’ll just leave it here.

That’s me in a nutshell. For full disclosure, for my safety Jeremy Ryan is a pen name and not my real name. I knew a long time ago when I started blogging about the dangers of a digital world and like it or not the danger is real. What I write about is stuff that has happened to me. Nothing you read here is made up it’s all 100% the truth and nothing but the truth, with the obvious exception being my name.

A month or so ago I lost a blogger friend who knew my real name, we went through something together. I knew for sure that she was reading my blog each and every day. Outside of that I honestly don’t think an actual human being is reading on a regular basis, hey I could be wrong. I don’t get many comments and that is what lead me to arrive at that conclusion. Recently I found a couple of new blogs and have started posting comments and I think those authors and some of their readers may potentially be reading and I hope that is the case.

I realize this is a bit long winded, but I told you I was a verbose person. I blog for two reasons. One to share what is going on in my life, it’s therapeutic. Two because there might be something, I am going through that someone else can glean knowledge from or that I can help. I get that life in and of its self is difficult, but then throw in your sexuality to the mix and it becomes a bit more complicated. Coming out is a personal decision that you alone have to make. If it’s not safe or you don’t feel comfortable my advice is don’t do it. Once you let the cat out of the bag, that is information that you can’t take back and like it or not people do judge you, even though were in 2020 not everything has changed with the times. We sure have come a long way!

Thank you for stopping by. I do hope that you will return on a regular basis and if you feel so inclined leave a comment. If there is something you want to know ask. If there is a topic, you’d like to see me write about holler. I get that not everyone feels compelled or comfortable to leave a comment. Just so you know privacy is paramount with me. All comments are in moderated mode, meaning I have to approve them before they get published. I have had people in the past say things and let me know they didn’t want it published; I respected their wishes.

While it’s my blog I want everyone that chooses to visit to feel comfortable. I think were all here (on earth) for some purpose. My purpose I feel is to help others. Take care and be well. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon!