Is change coming?

Hello and welcome back!

Things are okay at the moment. I’ve got a Meet & Greet setup for tomorrow with the prospective new cats. I went to see them this afternoon. One was sleeping and the other one was back in a corner just looking around. They are both pretty plump but if all they do is relax and sleep it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than having Gator around. I still have some reservations. Mostly if the timing is right or if I am moving a bit too fast for my own good. I know there will always be cats up for adoption. Have I really given myself enough time to grieve? I’ve kept pretty busy and had very little time to myself where I was all alone. Sure, working from home, I am alone but it’s not quite the same because my mind is focused on work.

Friday afternoon I got to looking at photos and videos of all of the family and I started looking for my goodbye letter to Momma. Turns out I never wrote one. I published a post on my blog and that was the extent of it. However, I embedded a YouTube Video of Charlie Puth and the song When I See You Again, which was written for Paul Walker. I played the video and just reached a point in the song where I cracked. I sobbed and let it all out. I know it’s healthy and I’ve got no shame about crying, it’s a natural emotion. Like any other emotion you can bottle it up but eventually it’s going to come out in one form or another. Might as well just let it go when it hits. It’s the healthy thing to do, kind of like when you need to sneeze or cough. I really honestly thought I was done with crying and that I was comfortable with the fact that she is gone but the truth is that it’s still raw and it’s closing a very long chapter in my life.

My life chapters have been long. They all have evoked every emotion possible and I’ve learned a thing or two a long the way.

Chapter 1 – Figuring out my sexuality & getting comfortable with it

Chapter 2 – Meeting my late spouse

Chapter 3 – The loss of Grandma

Chapter 4 – The loss of Grandpa

Chapter 5 – Moving out of my childhood home & in with my late spouse

Chapter 6 – Taking in Momma, watching her give birth

Chapter 7 – The loss of #1 Son our 1^st cat we had together

Chapter 8 – Taking in a stray & his friend

Chapter 9 – Losing my job, taking care of a sick cat, raiding my 401K and filing Bankruptcy

Chapter 10 – Getting Married then 3 months later losing my spouse

Chapter 11 – Starting to live on my own with 7 cats & a Bankruptcy that wasn’t mine. Losing a job and starting a new one

Chapter 12 – Slowly losing cats & the loss of my mom

Chapter 13 – The Pandemic how it changed me and my life, and Getting COVID and living through it

Chapter 14 – Losing Gator

That’s just off the cuff with little thought. There is plenty more to my entire story but those are kind of the high and low points mixed together. If you asked me a month or longer if I thought that my life would end after Gator passed, I would have told you yes. I did have intentions of ensuring that would come to pass. Why? Simply put I’ve got nothing to live for. The cats were my life and the reason why I got out of bed each day. They helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. Now that they are all gone my heart has a huge crater of a hole in it, it hurts and there just aren’t words that can express how deep that pain is.

Yet I’ve managed to keep on going, despite accidentally almost doing serious injury or worse to myself when I fell into that damn jet tub. I’ve spent lots of money like it’s growing on trees because I simply didn’t care. It’s time to settle up and it hurts. Today I see a bit clearer and yeah, the trip to the hotel and the laptop purchase were necessary at the time but today I could easily live without both. However, that’s not the way it works. You spend the money today on credit, you have to pay for it when the bill comes due and while that might seem like a million miles away it’s here quicker than you know it. I’ve said it a few times before money isn’t an issue, what I did didn’t put me in financial dire straits. It stings a little but it’s kind of like a papercut it hurts for a day or two and then it begins to feel better.

In case you have yet to figure it out, I’m using this post as a form of therapy, which largely is why I got into blogging in the first place. It was to provide a window into my life to the outside world. Strangers that I’ve never met and for the most part probably never will. However, I did get a good friend out of it through some drama that her, I and a bunch of other people fell into. That common thread caused us to bond. I started to type about the drama but that part of my life is over. When I lost my spouse, my friend had experience in that as well and that’s the first time we talked. She lived in Canada and sadly she passed during the pandemic from something other than COVID. It was a sudden thing that just got worse quickly. She was the first person’s funeral that I attended virtually. It was very strange and didn’t really offer much in the way of closure. I spoke with her family and even sent them something to comfort them. We (her and I) had another common thread that brought us together and that was the love of pie. I was supposed to go visit her eventually and we would meet at a pie place. Sadly, that never occurred. I felt bad about it but as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”. Well said and that’s a lesson and a reminder we can all use from time to time.

You and a couple of other people in the world are the only ones who truly know how much hurt, sorrow and loss that I have experienced and how it’s deeply affected me. Having PSTD from the loss of my spouse and then losing cats and my mom it makes me hypersensitive and combine that with my struggle with death and you’ve got one very hurt person.

One can only cry so much and hurt so much. I want it all to stop. I want life to deal me a better hand with more sunshine and rainbows. Throw in a boyfriend, some additional friends and either my job to get better or a new one – even better would be to win the lottery and be able to quit. I’m ready for a New Attitude and a New Life a much better one. I’ve tried slightly before to turn things around and while I didn’t fully accomplish my goal there was a light sprinkle of happiness mixed in. Losing Momma was the start of when things went off a cliff. As I am positioned today the only other person(s) that can die are either people that I grew up with, My Thanksgiving Friends, Work Colleagues or My Brother. I’m not isolated from death but I’ve got a slightly better position than what I had when the cats were all with me. Any additional losses at this point will hurt but short of my Brother I don’t think that any would affect me as greatly as the loss of my spouse and my cats have. I kind of like that insulation and want to be alone but I know it’s not healthy long term, especially when I work from home so much.

In prison they use isolation as a form of punishment or reserve it for someone who has committed such a horrible crime or crimes. In that case you’ve got no distraction, your just stuck in a tiny cell and maybe get an hour a week for some recreation and/or a shower. With nothing but time on your hands and no distraction I can see how it can be so maddening and cause one to quite literally go insane. Yet here I am post pandemic alone and I’ve got my freedom, semi decent health and a couple friends. We don’t function as I think friends should where we get together frequently or do things together. Instead, it’s just someone to be with around the major holidays for comfort and if there is a crisis in my life such as with the loss of my spouse or a cat, they are there for me. However, it’s on a limited basis and there is only so much they can or will do.

Getting two chunky monkey cats would give me company and companionship, which I think would be healthy. It will affect my wallet more and draw me back to the vet that I really don’t want to go back to. It puts a couple of boat anchors or a yolk around my neck and I am encumbered. However, in return for the responsibility I get love, affection and companionship mixed in with a laugh or two here and there. Eventually that relationship will change and the cats will get older as will I. They will need more medical care as will I and I will be right back in the same damn position I was with each cat that I owned where I have to make a decision. That’s the part I want to avoid, that’s the part that causes all of the hurt & pain. Hence why I would kind of rather be alone, even if only a temporary thing and not a long-term thing. I wouldn’t have the responsibility and I wouldn’t have the possibility of something dying on me again.

You can pretty well take this to the bank, if I do it again regardless of how many years I get with them, when they pass then I am out forever. I won’t own another pet of any kind. Primarily because if things go like they are supposed to I will be in my late 60’s or mid 70’s and my health will probably be declining by then. I never really thought about that aspect of my life until I started looking over adoption applications and all of the information they wanted. One of the questions is for what reason would you entertain returning the pet and one of the responses is owner’s health has declined. Wow that’s me I’m going to eventually have serious health problems just like an elderly cat. Think of that, then think of being alone and well its not such a good combo. I can only hope that I will meet a boy, guy, man that will care for me like I cared for my late spouse for many years and through many health events.

I said all of that to fall back to my original opinion that if it’s meant to be it will happen. If for whatever reason this doesn’t work then I will take the warning and stop trying to jump back into cat city and take a break. It might be temporary or it might be forever, it’s kind of like just playing it by ear. However, I think that these two will fall in love with me and that I will wind up adopting them. While they aren’t the Tuxedo cats that I wanted and they aren’t as young as I wanted, they aren’t terribly old. I will know more after tomorrow’s visit and right now I am just in emotional soup. There is some doubt, stress, worry and wondering. Will any of it benefit me, of course not. But I stress out on anything major in my life and this is more than just two cats, it’s a huge financial commitment. Kind of like purchasing a car or a home and well that financial stuff is scary because you know not what lies ahead. While today I have no worry or concern, I am an At Will Employee and my job doesn’t come with a guarantee or contract as to employment. Cats or not, if I lose my job I am screwed and not in a good way. Again, I’ve got no worries or immediate concerns. Not that I am trying to will any bad vibes here but there is that damn black cloud that follows me like my shadow and it puts out some Monsoons from time to time.

On a different note, last night (Friday) I got a whim to try to reinstall Windows on my computer. I started at 8p and it was 2a before I was even close to going to bed. I fixed the search function in Windows and a couple of other issues that were looming. I had to fight to get some customizations reapplied but things seem really stable and good right now. Hopefully, they stay that way. It was just a reinstall of windows on top of what was here, it kept all of my programs and data. I was doubtful if it would work but alas it did, just took its sweet time and with the customization fight that is what took up the larger part of my evening. Nothing like me trying to solve a computer problem, I’m like a dog with a bone and don’t know the word quit. If my little furry alarm clock would have been here, she would have been screaming her head off at me. I’m really surprised that I actually made it to my therapy session. Which by the way went better than the last 2. I am kind of on the fence if I want to keep going now or just stop. I haven’t scheduled anything but I’ve got the ability to. I am entitled to 3 more sessions and I have to schedule the next one within 3 weeks of today or the relationship automatically terminates.

I got some good food for supper, have a little bit left over that will go good for lunch tomorrow. I should pass out rather quickly tonight because I have not had a nap all day long. It’s been pure sugar and caffeine that powered me along with a minor dose of adrenaline.

Going to make a quick call, maybe surf for some porn and then upstairs and relaxing followed by eventually bedtime. I plan to be an early riser tomorrow, get breakfast out and hit up the grocery store. Then try to kill time until I need to leave for the Meet & Greet.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not only reading all of my blather and rambling but just being there with me on this journey that we call life. You are appreciated! Take care and I’ll be back with an update on how things go.

Oh Brother

I like to poke around on my states treasurers website to see from time to time if they have any money for me, my family or my late spouse.  Yesterday was one of those days and I once again found something.  This was money from my mom’s mortgage, which I find kind of odd.  She defaulted so you would think they wouldn’t be giving refunds but I’m not questioning it. 

In order to claim the money, which is just a few dollars there is paperwork.  Legally to get it I need to involve my brother.  I called him yesterday and left a message.  I wasn’t sure if he would call me back but he did.  We talked for a very long time.  Hell, there is lots to catch up when you don’t talk to someone for years at a time. 

He is in favor of going for the money and will cooperate.  I told him that it should be spilt 50/50 but he said I could keep it.  I said I would rather this be done legally even though it’s a small amount of money.  I don’t want him to someday think about it, claim something fraudulent or illegal took place and then I’d be in a pickle.  If were doing this then it’s all by the book, above board and legal or there is no sense is wasting time. 

I thought I had my ducks in a row before I called him and I pretty well did.  However, I had to reach out this morning to ask him for a copy of his birth certificate.  Apparently it’s not good enough that you have the same last name, you have to prove that your related to the deceased and a birth certificate is the only thing that can prove that.  Funny thing is that for years the version I had of mine had no parents listed.  I had to get a copy years ago and when I did I was asked who my parents were, I listed my Mom and it’s a good thing because now I have a copy that says she was my mom.  I know if I sent in a copy that had no parents listed the state would be like, your not related.  The reason why no parents were listed on the original is because I was supposed to be given up for adoption it was all in place but things changed at the last minute when my grandmother (mom’s mother) stepped in. 

It was nice to chat with my brother.  His wife got COVID around the same time I did.  He has been exposed by her and others at work.  Ironically he tests negative.  One test he said he waited in a line for 7 hours and then they lost the results.  While he didn’t have any signs/symptoms I think he probably had it.  I mean to be exposed by several people I would think it just had to get in his system.  He like me only has had 2 shots and he really didn’t want the first one.  He had no side or after affects other than a sore arm.  I guess with all of his smoking and drinking, germs just can’t take hold in his body.  He told me for 2 years he was working 50 hour work weeks and that’s some good over time when your an hourly worker.  That all just came to an end and he really misses the money.  He doesn’t really have a life other than work, eat and sleep.  In whatever free time he gets his wife gobbles that up.  He told me that he’s got no friends.  That’s because she made him get rid of them, but I didn’t get into that.  He’s free to live his life, he’s an adult and knows how to make choices.  I told him about being down to one cat.  When I had to tell him that I lost Marv & Momma I just couldn’t hold it together.  I told him how Gator is the last one and how old she will be next month.  He was shocked.  He’s got 2 dogs and they just adopted a cat that is about a year old.  The cat is learning to go outside.  I told him it’s far better if he keeps it indoors because it will live longer.  His wife is the one who is in favor of indoor/outdoor animals.  She’s a dumbass and I really don’t care for her.  I’ve seen and heard how she has treated him and she has him manipulated into thinking that it is impossible for him to exist without her.  Lord help him if she dies first. 

I’ve spent most of the morning gathering paperwork, filling out forms and on Saturday morning I need to hit up the bank to get a document notarized.  Then once I get my brothers birth certificate I will put this in the mail and then we wait.  I told him it will probably be a few months before they get to it.  I didn’t tell him this but I think that they will probably issue 1 check for the full amount with both of our names on it.  I would rather they issue separate checks it will be better for both of us.  If we both have to get together he won’t go anywhere but to work and the bathroom without his wife.  Kind of makes me wonder how he makes it from day to day but whatever. 

I am exhausted, I didn’t do any more foam rolling and need to.  I got a shower last night and went to bed.  Today’s trash day and of course it’s raining most of the day.  I just want to be able to sneak out between the rain drops and not get wet.  It’s all hot and dry for the next several days after today.  I’ve seen way too much rain and am not a huge fan of it.  Especially with some plugged up gutters that I don’t think I will have the energy or ambition to clean, but then again everything is subject to change. 

2 more meetings and then my day is done.  I look forward to neither one of them but once they are in the past I will be a little happier because it will be much closer to quitting time.  Happy Thursday!  Hope your doing well and taking care of yourself.  One more day and then most of us are free for 3 days.  That’s true for me but I’ve got to keep my electronic leash (aka cell phone) by my side since I am on-call.  I really am envious of one of my co-workers who has an Android phone.  When work is done he flips a switch and work email is off until he turns it back on.  I wish I could do that on my Apple, maybe some day it will be a simple task.  I know how to turn mail off but it’s involved and just not worth it unless I am taking time off.

Cheers for now! 

My Coming Out Story

 

I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial.  What they failed to realize is that my brother was setting me up to take the fall.  While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me.  Of course, I wasn't acting right because I was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell into.  I was the victim when I looked like the aggressor [perpetrator].  They say everything happens for a reason and well it did. 

It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it.  I myself didn't even know it and denied it.  Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right.   While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up.  I hadn't yet figured out who I was.  Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time.  I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well.  He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy.  The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice. 

My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was.  I didn't understand why.  He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe.  It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do.  I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing.  As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her.  I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.

One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening.  I told her that I was gay.  She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life.  I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting.  That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it.  She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued.  She asked me what kind of sex I had.  Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it.  She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting.  Then she asked where she was and where this took place.  That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place.  Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was.  She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend.  I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life.  The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather.  He surely would kick me out and disown me.  I am positive that she never said a word to him. 

Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't.  My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass.  I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly.  I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared.  Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went.  I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened.  He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word.  It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me.  He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated.  That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him.  I honestly never really thought about it at the time.  I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.   

As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother.  My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no.  She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried.  I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent.  She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems.  She always said that I should be a top.  She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work.  Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.

My brother kind of figured things out on his own.  I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him.  However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did. 

The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience.  Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done.  Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on.  Your never ever done coming out of the closet.  I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them.  Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me. 

I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men.  We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine.  I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom.  Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business.  I get the curiosity to want to know that.   I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.

A side note, a bit off topic.  The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son.  We wouldn't bother to correct them.  He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me.  To us it was humorous.  I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes.  It was a compromise that we agreed upon.  He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals.  I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt.  I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us]. 

Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back.  Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak.  I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I.  However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment.  I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid.  How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job?  How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship?  My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out.  There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively.  While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell. 

Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well.  The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay.  There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because.  No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR.  What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group.  We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse.  Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know.  I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me.  I am Jeremy a man.  Being gay is just part of who I am.  Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am.  It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't. 

I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride.  I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay.  I cried just as they did.  I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life.  While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what.  You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur. 

Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards.  I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant.  She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made.  I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now. 

You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out.  Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature.  If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age.  If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do.  Below are some resources that I hope are of help. 

HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out 

Matthew Shepard Foundation  - Coming Out Resources 

The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

 

 

Say what?

This morning I woke up in time to take care of the testing I needed to do for work.  I saw that I had an email from my health insurance company and said well let’s just ruin the morning by looking at this.  It was a notification that I had some EOB’s to review.  These are known in simpler terms as Explanation of Benefits, basically listing charges and showing you how much they paid.  I was beside myself when I saw a balance owed by me of $1,026.  This is from my ER visit a few Sunday’s back.  It’s an ancillary charge, whatever that means and it’s not covered because it wasn’t administered within 72 hours of the onset of a serious illness.  I suspect it’s the test for the Flu but I have no idea.  They did pay part of the charge because the original cost was $2,000 but to leave that big of a balance for me, is crazy. 

I started the appeals process and have yet to get an actual bill from the provider, but I know it’s coming.  The quicker I am perhaps the quicker we can get to the bottom of things.  As I explained in my appeal I have coverage for the Emergency Room, Lab work and X-rays all at 100% so there is no cost to me.  I sought medical care in an ER because it was necessary and I knew going in that I wouldn’t have a large bill in the end, which apparently I’m wrong about.  If I am stuck with this bill I will find out what exactly it’s for and then work with the hospital for payment arrangements, I am not putting this on a credit card that is craziness, the interest would eat me alive.  I honestly think this was a screw up but if it’s not I bought myself some extra time.  Just one more thing to add to my worry list about. 

I also found out that I owe my doc $50, which I paid before starting this post.  That was expected and is more than affordable given the circumstances.  I called the insurance company knowing full well they would be closed and the automated phone system told me that there is yet another claim pending on the same date for $550 which is still open, it sounds like it wasn’t submitted properly.  I guess this can easily get worse.  However, a screw up on the providers part shouldn’t mean a large bill for me.  As you can well imagine I am not a happy camper. 

In other news, the cats got their breakfast and I went out for mine.  Then off to the grocery store and a stop for gas.  This rental car has what I believe to be a bottomless tank.  It was 1/2 full when I picked it up 2 days ago.  The needle moved slightly and knowing that I will be using fuel to get to work, it only made sense to stop.  We got up to around $23 and it wanted to keep on going.  That is where I drew the line and it’s almost but not quite yet full.  I think $25 to $30 would have done the job but I don’t expect to have this for more than 2 days tops, provided the parts come in and everything is situated.  They could find additional damage or the parts could be delayed, I am authorized for 7 days on the car but my hope is that I will be getting my baby back tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.  I sure do miss all of the luxury features and I am not used to sitting so low to the ground, it takes some effort to get out.  Overall it’s a nice car but not something that I want to drive full time. 

The house has been cleaned, laundry is done, trash is out, kids are resting and I am ready to shave and shower.  Then fix a frozen pizza and open a couple cans of cat food.  It will be a regular party tonight, not.  I will still be watching Shameless but it won’t be the same without the character Ian.  Last Week Tonight with John Oliver isn’t on tonight but there are plenty of re-runs of The Big Bang Theory so I will have plenty to watch.  I got most of my TV backlog cleaned up in a short break I took.  Everyone was in my room and they all look so comfy I figured why not join them.  I wanted to doze off but unfortunately that didn’t happen, I managed to keep myself awake.  I guess that will pay off tonight when I PTFO (Pass The Fuck Out). 

It’s hard to fathom that one year ago to this very day is when I lost my mom.  12 months pass by so quickly.  I just can’t believe she is gone but I am hopeful that she is in a better place and no longer suffering.  Next Saturday is when my late husbands birthday is and Mom’s is two days later.  October is not a good month for memories.  Thankfully it’s almost over with.  Hopefully, with the start of a new month it will bring about a positive change and nothing negative/bad will happen to me or those around me.  Plus were getting closer to Thanksgiving. 

Finished Making A Murderer part 2 on NetFlix last night.  Wow, a couple bombshells came out that I never expected.  This is a long and tough battle.  It’s easy to get a conviction but it’s hard to get it over turned and being innocent makes it that much worse.  Brendan Dassey is the one I feel the most sorry for because he was so young when this all went down and my personal opinion is his confession was coerced from him, there are a lot of politics at play here and I do believe now they have the wrong 2 guys for this murder.  Based on what I saw I don’t know if Brendan will ever get out, but I think that Steven still has a fighting chance.  I do wonder if there will be a part 3, this is very compelling TV if you like the legal system.  I hope for the best for those fighting this fight and pray they don’t give up until every avenue is exhausted.  It does help put things in perspective for me and my troubles are nothing compared to being wrongfully convicted and falsely imprisoned.  If either of these guys does get it out, it would be in there very best interest to move to a different state because if they go home and don’t move, something like this will crop up again.  I love WI it’s a great area of the country but after seeing all this I am glad that I don’t live there.  

Sadly I have washed a few long sleeve shirts and will be wearing them this week as the temperatures are starting to drop and it’s quite nippy outside.  I also added the electric blanket to my bed.  That seems to have pleased Ms. Gator and it’s not even turned on yet.  Just wait when I flip that switch tonight she will be in heaven and then stuck to me even more.  That will probably make for a bad nights sleep but so long as I am comfortable and warm, that is all I care about.  The furnace has been on for a couple weeks now and I have it set to just keep the chill off the house so 74 degrees during the day but early in the morning it starts at 75 so it’s warm when I am up and moving about. 

Here’s hoping for a great week ahead for me and for you too.  Stay warm, be safe and keep on keeping on. 

Running Behind

My brother called me on Friday night and we got together on Saturday.  We carried out our mom’s last wishes as it pertains to her cremains.  We did the closest and best thing that we could.  The rose bush that she wanted to go in, no longer exists.  We had lunch together and chatted, it was enjoyable.  He hit another stumbling block in his relationship with the Bimbo.  Just when I thought it was over with, it appears that things are going back to the way they were.  I told him that this is the 2nd time they had an issue.  There is clearly something wrong and until you are firm and put your foot down, I don’t think that it will end.  I told him that who’s to say things won’t turn violent and someone winds up injured or worse yet dead.  While you both are walking and talking, put an end to the relationship.  It’s for the benefit of both of you.  He knows I am right but I know him and I think they will wind up staying together.  I will be happy when they are split up for good – her and her kids are moved out and he can have some peace & quiet. 

Funny thing is he told me that he keeps on putting himself last and he doesn’t do anything for himself.  I told him you need to live for you and reward yourself.  You deserve it and you are the only you there will be.  If you don’t take care of you or reward you, no one else is going to do it for you. 

I am seriously behind schedule here.  I took a nap and then dived into troubleshooting a couple of computer issues.  My machine oddly lost the drivers for my postage scale and my ups.  I have a utility that allowed me to boot to an old image of my machine and things were fine back in late February when the image was created.  So I had that copy it’s self to the original boot area and now I am back in business.  I am fighting to get windows updates to install and honestly I think they are what broke things. 

I have a toothache and it’s been around for most of the weekend.  Not something I normally get.  It’s a mild dull type pain.  I am working with Sensodyne to see if I can calm things down.  Unless there is something seriously wrong underneath this is phantom pain and should resolve on it’s own.  If not then I guess I will be making an appointment to go see Dr. Drillem.  This tooth bothers me off and on.  The doc has looked at it before and said there is nothing wrong.  She won’t pull it and there is a filling there already.  I think the filling needs to be dug out and refilled.  It’s the nerve in my opinion that is irritated. 

Back to the fun tomorrow and I will be on-call for the next week.  Here’s hoping for a little bit of overtime but nothing too drastic and I hope that my sanity stays in tact.  I voiced a complaint on Friday about how my dumb co-worker is taking away from my productivity and how that is not sustainable.  Basically I asked for my boss to do something.  I think we are rapidly approaching a fork in the road and it’s going to be a him or me type situation.  I can’t take a whole lot more, but then again I didn’t think I would survive this far.  I also didn’t think he would be employed with us that long. 

Well Windows Updates are done.  I need to restart and then when the system comes back up, I will have to go up and medicate the children and myself.  Then try to relax and unwind so I can get up tomorrow and go back to all that fun I have. 

Hope your doing well.  Take care and be well. 

LAST ENTRY FOR 2017

Wow where did the last 364 days go? It seems like just yesterday we were embarking on 2017 and here we are ready to ring in 2018.

2017 has been a year of ups and downs. I got fired by my attorney, got a settlement on my own for the lemon car I bought and got rid of the car. As for the attorney he’s sorry he fucked with me because there is a pending bar complaint. I bought a new car. I got a pay raise and a good review. I worked to train a replacement of a co-worker who has turned out to be quite a burden. I didn’t lose any pets but did have to make several vet visits. The first one started in January with her bloody tongue that she got from biting it. A co-worker/friend of mine got fired and has subsequently stopped speaking with me, so much for that friendship part. I unexpectedly lost my mom and regret that I didn’t speak with her prior to her death. I stopped to help a motorist and almost wound up going to jail. I won a drawing for a Southwest Airlines Gift Card and a Gas Card. I watched a ton of porn and had a lot of orgasms. I searched for true love on-line and failed once again. However, I have not given up my quest to meet a man. I asked a guy out without knowing that he was under age, which was by far the most embarrassing thing I did all year long. I learned a classmate of mine contracted cancer, he’s physically fit and were the same age so this was a shock. I saw a lot of movies and tv this year. The most favorite thing I watched was Shot In The Dark along with the Showtime series Active Shooter. Both provided me with insight on things I knew nothing about. I listened to a few audio books as well. I lusted over many cute guys that I saw in person. I had my usual Thanksgiving Dinner and Sausage Stuffing at Maggiano’s. I joined a LGBT Greif Group and have worked to help others with the loss of their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I became a Minister.

Wow that was a quick synopsis and kind of explains my life for the past 364 days. I left out lots of work, overtime, weekends and evenings as well as being on-call. Eating a lot of good food as well and of course having pie.

I complain and gripe just like everyone else, but when I type this I realize I am lucky. Many people don’t have a home, water, food, clothes, power, transportation, etc. not to mention a job which pays well to allow me to afford what I want.

2018 is about an hour away as I type this. There will likely be fanfare of fire crackers and gun shots. I am listening to my scanner and there is a lot of crazy stuff going on tonight. Fires, Thefts, Traffic Stops, Sick people a lot of it the result of trying to celebrate the holidays a little too hard.

I do not make new years resolutions, because they are something most people aren’t capable of keeping. Sure, your good for a few weeks and then presto it’s forgotten about and you go back to your old ways.

That said I do have aspirations for 2018 …

I’d like to weigh less

I’d like to find a boyfriend

I’d like to build a stronger relationship with my brother

I’d like to get a promotion and a huge pay raise while increasing my knowledge and skills

I’d like no pet issues, other than maintenance

I’d like to be able to take a vacation, I mean a real vacation for a few days or even a week

I’d like to get my blood sugar under control but still being able to consume more delicious food and of course pie along with sweets

I’d like to move but I know that probably won’t happen because of the animals

I’d like to be happier

I’d like to help others personally and professionally

I’d like to marry a couple or two couples

I’d like more time with my pets to bond, relax and just be together. They keep me going more than they know. They all know me better than I know myself or so it feels.

I’d like to win the lottery – the big jackpot or even 2^nd prize

I’d like better overall luck in life

Even if none of these things happen, as long as I have everything that I have today, I think everything will be okay.

I wish you all a wonderful and happy new year … ready or not 2018 will be here. Let’s make the best of it. A fresh start and a chance for new beginnings.

Leaving on a jet plane

Holy shit, life has been really crazy!  Work is nothing but drama and busy.  Our new Help Desk guy came out for a couple days this week.  We had lunch together and they were some tasty meals.  It’s damn expensive to eat out everyday, so glad I bring my lunch.  I can see the appeal of going out, which we all need to do from time to time.  We had a retirement celebration for a guy this week.  I stood around for an hour before they cut the fucking cake.  Then I found out the cake was horrible.  Red velvet that was rich with buttercream icing and it tasted like chocolate carrot cake, yuk! 
It’s the middle of the week and I get a phone call from the bank.  When I saw the number come up I figured that it wasn’t good news but I was delighted to find out otherwise.  It seems that my luck has changed and for the better.  I won a drawing for a Southwest Airlines Gift Card.  I was just beside myself.  I have won a couple things in my life but honestly I am not a ‘lucky’ person at all.  I got so excited that I checked my lottery tickets only to find out that I didn’t have a single fucking number.  Ah well, I can at least board an airplane.  My initial thought was to sell the card for cash.  However, I’ve been thinking about California and this could be my ticket there.  I checked out flights in March and it’s well within the limits of my winnings to go out and back.  I’d be on my own for transportation, lodging and food.  The bigger concern is what if I actually love it and decide to move?  Everything happens for a reason. So I am pondering what to do.
Today I went to fill out paperwork and have to wait for validation and then I will go back in a week to 10 days and pick up the card.  They will also take my photo, so I will be sure that my makeup is done just right.  LOL as if I wore makeup. 
I checked in with the Funeral Home on Friday since I would be in the area on Saturday about the fingerprint necklace of mom that I ordered.  Turns out they just came in and they reached out to my brother.  I hit the fucking roof over that.  They took my money and said they would call me when they came in, they specifically asked for my phone number for that purpose and then they called him, WTF!  I voiced my displeasure.  My brother picked them up yesterday.  I looked at it and he said that is the finger print of Elvis.  I got the most confused look on my face and said huh?  He said it could be anyone’s fingerprint, I mean we don’t know that is our mom’s fingerprint, but we are trusting that it is.  We are both displeased with the final product as it was advertised as larger and I think we were expecting something better than what we got.  I’m the poor bastard that shelled out close to $500 for both of them, so I am particularly disappointed.  It’s done though.  I will add it to my yellow gold chain that I wear with mine and my late partners wedding rings.  Still hard to comprehend that she is gone, hell it’s hard to comprehend that he’s gone too. 
My brother was all set to break up with his girlfriend, she was clearly taking him for a ride but somehow magically they patched things up.  I am so disappointed in that.  White trash!  My brother showed me today what he thought of me.  We had plans to meet up.  He called me around 9a and we finalized plans to meet up for lunch.  Then just before I was supposed to leave he sent me a text and said change of plans I am helping a friend move some furniture and won’t be able to meet.  Fuck I expected it but hoped beyond hope that it wouldn’t happen.  We still met but he was with his friend and a pickup truck full of furniture so there was no meal to share and conversation to have.  I am a second thought.  Now if someone would have called me I would have said sorry, I have plans with my brother.  Not him friends are more important than blood family.
Speaking of family, I sent off two hot letters this morning to the nursing home and their parent corporation letting them know that were pissed and we want our money back.  This is the second time I’ve reached out and it’s the last.  Next time a process server will be delivering a lawsuit.  They have 10 days to respond from the day they get the letter and of course I will build in some extra time but not much.  I plan on seeing this through to the end and getting what is rightfully mine back, unless they can prove I am not entitled to it.  However, I found a state law and cited that in my letter, it says that expenses have to be prorated so I think they are jolly well fucked.  I also involved a bunch of regulatory agencies and told them they are likely engaging in fraud and overcharging others as well as the Government.  So that will trigger a bunch of investigations and who knows what they will uncover when they turn over rocks.  I don’t understand why people fuck with me, they think I will roll over and go away.  In the past I probably would have.  This is a lot of effort to get a few hundred dollars but damn it, the money is mine and my dumb brother just gave it away.  He can’t speak for me.  I mean I could sue him for negligence because this is all his fault.  However, I kind of enjoy slaying a giant.  Shame I am not an attorney, which was an aspiration of mine.  What this nursing home doesn’t know is that I work for a very large law firm and have multiple attorneys giving me advice, free of charge so I think I have the upper hand.  I won’t stick my neck out on a maybe but if I am positive then it’s game on!
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, doesn’t feel like Christmas even though we got our first snowfall last night.  There is more on the way for tomorrow.  Of course there is I gassed and washed my vehicle.  Anyway, I’m going to my friends house for prime rib [insert gag here].  It’s crap but hey it’s free and I get to be around friends, so I suppose it’s not all bad.  At least I can be alone on Christmas Day to do what I want.  I can’t stray too far because I am on-call.  I’d love to venture to see Call Me By Your Name.  It’s playing but the theater where it’s at is 30 miles away.  I’d go if there wasn’t a risk of being interrupted.  I mean nothing is going on because it’s the holiday but somehow Murphy would know that I went to enjoy a movie and then chaos would break out and I’d not get to see all of the movie, better to wait until next week or until it comes out in the rental market.  Hopefully, I can see it next week though.  I hear good things about it. 
I am feeling a little depressed because I am alone and haven’t found anyone yet.  I mean it’s been 4 years, it’s like what is wrong with me.  My straight friend has already been laid twice and on a couple of dates.  Granted he thought with his dick and not his brain but hey he’s not exactly pleasing to look at, not that I am but hey c’mon.  I jumped back on Tinder today with the hopes that I will find someone.  There is still the guy at Steak N Shake that is way too young for me that I want to ask out.  Pretty sure he’s on my team but not sure that he would say yes.  I’ll never know until I ask or check with one of his co-workers.  Looking forward to being there tomorrow for my usual Sunday breakfast.  Then the dreaded Grocery Store, yikes!
Treated myself to some Spaghetti today.  I had crappy service and the bill was $20 for a bowl of noodles, sauce and two decent size meat balls along with a diet coke.  Fuck, I like a little KY and a kiss when I am getting fucked.
Momma Cat is telling me it’s time to call it a night.  Everyone wants me upstairs.  They want more food, more attention and more of whatever else they decide.  Oh speaking of them, I got Big Boy’s blood work back and he’s doing well.  Kidneys are a little on the questionable side.  They want me to encourage him to drink more, yeah okay I’ll jump right on that.  So long as he is peeing a large amount and often I won’t complain.  I checked his PH today and it’s 7.0, they like to keep it around 6.5.  More water would help but hey if he doesn’t want it there isn’t much I can do about it.  He’s up a pound and a half.  Going back to being a fatso, but he’s my fatso and I love him. 
That’s it folks!  Going to spread holiday cheer tomorrow and hope for some decent food and a good time.  Maybe the cats will let me sleep in on Christmas Day.  They had me up at 6a this morning.  C’mon it’s my day off.  My work is just never, ever done!
Merry Christmas to you and yours.  I hope it’s a magical holiday for everyone. 

Goodbye October

What a tremulous emotional month.  October was kind of already ruined for me and now with my mom’s passing that just adds more to remember that happened in this month.  I am glad today is the last day of the month and when I start work tomorrow we will be in a new month, a fresh start.  I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving!

Today I stayed in bed a little too long but had fun cuddling and being lazy.  Got my shower and laundry going.  I’ve talked my self out of leaving for Taco Tuesday at a local bar.  I was looking forward to it but today could be a day where I didn’t go anywhere and spent the entire day at home.  So that was appealing to me and I made up my mind.  Now the bigger decision should I have left over pizza or something frozen?  I don’t want Pizza but that’s what I will probably have just to get rid of it. 

Speaking of getting rid of things, I threw out the fresh flowers today.  They were starting to die and it was time for them to go.  I will miss the purple violets but at least I got a nice vase. 

I cleaned the house already and am working on Laundry.  I have a fair number of long sleeve shirts washed and my closet will be a mix of long and short sleeves.  Until the weekend and I can do more laundry then.  I am just tired and want to relax. 

I made a call to a credit union my mom used to have an account at.  I think there is a zero balance but they wouldn’t talk to me over the phone.  They want paperwork.  Dummies asked if I had a power of attorney for financial affairs.  Duh, power of attorneys are null and void upon death.  So now we wait for the death certificate.  I prepared a Small Estates Affidavit.  I will have it checked out for legality and if everything is in order I’ll sign it and get it notarized.  Then this will be a breeze to complete.  I don’t need my brother and can do it all on my own, considering that we each get 50% of what’s left I don’t think of this as a big deal.  I don’t want to make him mad so I’ll tread lightly but once I have the death certificate I want to get this going.  The sooner you start the sooner you finish.  There isn’t much money at stake so far as I know.  What was odd to me with the credit union was I asked if they could tell me if there was or wasn’t a balance and they wouldn’t confirm or deny anything over the phone.  That leads me to believe that there is money there but then again I could be wrong. 

Crazy is how I would describe the last 2 weeks – up and down, but mostly down.  This all was moving slow, then it got faster and now it’s done.  Hard to believe how quickly your expected to just move on with your life.  It’s easier when you have people around you.  Going back to work for me will be the best thing.  However, I wouldn’t object to a couple more days at home. 

I looked ahead and see that all we get for Christmas is Christmas Day and it falls on a Monday.  I am thinking of asking for the day after off, but we shall see.  I am interested in the holiday schedule for 2018.  I also will have several departures to process at the end of the year.  I have some names but not a final list and the last day of the year falls on a Sunday.  How strange is that? 

So now it’s back to normal and trying to pull myself together.  I think I will make it but like everything else in my life it won’t be easy.  Time to feed the children and figure out what is for dinner besides Coke Zero. 

Happy Halloween!

Monday

As you probably already guessed I spent the bulk of the day doing nothing and sleeping.  It felt good but once I got busy and left the house all I wanted to do is come back home and climb back in bed. 

I got my bed clothes through the laundry, let’s hope Gator has an easy tummy so that I don’t have to wash them again anytime soon.  I got all of the bills paid so we can stay another month.  I have a nice surplus of money left to live on, thanks to my overtime so there is something to smile about.  I didn’t get bothered by work today again something to smile about.  I had dinner out and it was okay.  I added 2 more candles to my collection.  You know those things you just have to have!  I also picked up cat litter which is a good thing to have if you have cats. 

I ordered a watch that I admired, damn Facebook advertising.  I also got my Nonda Zus Tire Monitoring Kit, plus more pee pads for the boys.  Everything will be in by Thursday. 

I found a photo of my mom and me together with one of her dogs.  I was much younger and smiling.  Kind of wish I would have had that for the service.  Her oil painting photo is still boxed up.  I have no idea where or even if I want to hang it.  I really wish that I could talk to her now more than ever, just to clear the air.  I know that she loved me and missed me.  I also know what I did was for the best and I didn’t think that she would die before we had a chance to talk again.  Long story short, no matter how ridiculous it sounds when my little voice tells me something I will be listening much closer.  I will be less likely to ignore it.  

The highlight of my day was watching Smokey & The Bandit from start to finish.  It’s been a long time since I did that.  I also got to lay in bed and hold Marvin.  We both enjoyed that. 

I have no desire to return to ‘the real world’ but it’s calling.  Thankfully not too loud because I still have the rest of the evening and all day tomorrow.  That is awesome.  I will try to spend the day on the computer, cleaning and doing laundry.  Then the evening with the children watching TV. 

I did some on-line sleuthing and found my brothers address, which for some reason is a huge secret.  He was supposed to send it to me by text but that didn’t happen.  We are supposed to get together for dinner one night this week, not sure if that will pan out or not.  I wanted to get together today but the bimbo was making dinner for them so that was out.  She wants me to come over and eat her cooking.  Yeah not going to happen.  I don’t trust her and I really don’t like her. 

My friend that bought us dinner after the funeral remarked to me that me and my brother were two different people.  We don’t look alike and we don’t act alike.  Yeah I said white trash and he jumped on that.  I know my brother can do better but a stiff dick doesn’t have a conscious. 

Well I am being herded to get upstairs.  Momma is protesting me being on the computer and if she isn’t happy then no one here is happy.  Cats what can I say they run the place, even though I pay the bills.  It’s probably best to call it a night. 

I am doing okay but still very much processing my mom’s death.  It’s just so hard to comprehend that she is gone.  So much finality when I really don’t want it to be final. 

Exhausted

We had a decent turn out for the funeral.  Most of the people were made up of my brothers’ girlfriends family.  A lot of family from my grandfathers side showed up, that was really nice to re-connect with them.  I saw old co-workers of my moms which was nice. 

We only had 1 server aka alter boy.  He was young, very cute and short.  He did a nice job.  So much so that me and the bimbo thought he deserved extra money, so he got it. 

There was no questions from the priest.  The only flowers that were sent were from my employer and friends that I work with.  The funeral home supplied a single rose.  So not much to worry about.  I got to take what I wanted but I am not big on fresh flowers, because they die and because they are something for the cats to get into. 

Much to my surprise I got the oil painting of my mom.  My brother said he is not big on pictures.  There wasn’t a single photo of me and mom together, it isn’t something that exists unless you count my baby album.  Her and my brother had some pictures. The urns we chose (butterflies) are actually lamps.  I didn’t know that or I would have never picked it.  What’s done is done. 

The thumbprint necklaces won’t be in for 6 weeks and my brother tells me now that he won’t wear it, he isn’t big on jewelry.  For fuck sake I wish he would have spoken up sooner that would have saved me $270.  However, I have the oil painting so I guess it evens out. 

It was a touching service that allowed for proper grief release.  I still feel some guilt but I have determined that no good will come of it, so I moved it to the back burner. 

We gathered at Olive Garden afterwards and it was a hell of a wait both for a table and for our food.  We got free desert because the waitress inquired what we were celebrating.  Not to mention with a large party there was a ton of money spent. 

This all started for us at 10:30 and I wasn’t back home until 4p.  I remarked to my brother when we were done, see what I meant about it taking all day.  He thought it would be a few hours and he would be free to spend the rest of the day, the way he wanted.  Not so. 

I was drained by the time I got home.  I just ate a sandwich, drank a soda, stayed in my room watching TV.  I kept nodding off so I took my sleeping medicine early and called it a night around 8p.  I got a few hours sleep in and then one of the cats woke me up, so I had to watch TV at that point to fall back asleep.

This morning I rolled out of bed at 8a.  Got dressed and headed to the place where I asked the 16 year old out a few weeks back.  He’s still there, his hair is dyed blond and black, he is pasty white and no so appealing especially now that I know his age.  Then I got gas, went grocery shopping and came home.  Turns out I forgot my belt when I left the house.  I had to keep pulling my pants up, which was annoying. 

Then I watched a little TV, watched some porn and it was lights out until around 2p.  I had an idea to grab a pizza.  Got on the interstate and got into a traffic jam.  Decided to for go the place I normally go to and visit an old place in town.  It was okay and I still dropped $$ but it was a nice change of pace. 

Hit up the cat food store, Sam's and came home.  Turns out I over drew my checking account by $1.40.  I fixed that quickly once I saw it.  Talked with my brother and this is really the most time I have spent in front of a computer since I left work on Friday. 

I am grateful that I have two more days to myself.  That will help because I am behind the 8 ball.  The kids know something is wrong but can’t identify what exactly it is.  They are happy I am at home because they can beg for food right now and I’ll give it to them.  I don’t want to listen to any begging. 

I need to go up and try to get ready for bed.  It’s more like relax watch TV and see when I fall asleep.  So the immediate weight is off.  Now we wait for death certificates and the jewelry I purchased.  Then in a couple months we can close out her bank accounts and we should be done.  I’m hoping I get some of the money but I really don’t feel entitled to any.  More later…

The day before

How things change, just last week at this time my mom was still alive and I was working on her Birthday card.  This week I am getting ready for her funeral.  It seems so unreal.  I can’t believe she died at such a young age and so suddenly.  Not that I would have wanted her to have a terminal disease but it would have at least put me on notice that the end was coming, instead of it hitting me over the head like a ton of bricks. 

All of the arrangements are made, now I just have to show up.  The weather here has turned cold and it feels much more like October now.  There is a frost warning out for tonight, so you know that tomorrow won’t be a warm day but at least the sun should be shining. 

I think I will get through this okay, I mean losing my spouse was much more devastating and heart wrenching.  I still am little bit numb.  My concern shifts more to my little brother.  He has plenty of people around him and I think that is good.  Mom and him spent so much time together and have been through so much.  I just worry that he will fall apart. 

We chatted tonight and it sounds like were going to Olive Garden afterwards as a family.  I don’t consider his girlfriend or her family, my family even though they probably will eventually become related through marriage.  I just want to spend time with my brother, enjoy a good meal, remember mom and chat. 

I think my late spouse would be proud of me how I fronted money, even though I couldn’t afford it.  How I responded to the whole thing and the fact that me and my brother are talking again.  I just hope the talking part lasts and isn’t temporary.  It’s a two way street so it remains to be scene. 

Tomorrow will be a difficult day but I am glad that we will be together.  We both always knew this day would come but neither of us can believe it’s actually here and now.

My mind is all over the place, I feel the stress and I easily forget things.  That didn’t start until I came home tonight.  I was fine all day at work, all I really wanted to do is come home.  It was a pretty quiet day as Friday’s go and honestly I would have loved to get out early. 

I got a call from my boss and he said that someone screwed up as he held up a card for me.  We have video phones at work.  Anyway, he said that it would be in and waiting for me when I came back on Wednesday.  I could see that he was pretty upset about the fact that someone fucked up, but it happens.  I am okay with it, I mean if I wasn’t what exactly could I do about it?  Right, nothing. 

The part that really sucked is today would have been my late spouses birthday.  This month I think is forever ruined with all that has happened.  My mom’s passing brought up memories from when my late spouse was passing away, it’s not a good time but I am strong (somehow) and I will make it through this.

I am interested to see what kind of a crowd we have tomorrow.  I’ll be back with another update at some point during the next 4 days. 

Stay warm and be well.  Thanks for your visit, I appreciate it more than you know!

Arrangements

I got a call back from my brother and we made arrangements together on Sunday with his bimbo girlfriend tagging along.  She did help out a little bit.  Turns out the Funeral Home has some wicked privacy policy.  We both thought that we were being left out and something was seriously wrong.  Not the case at all, they just wanted us to be present. 

The meeting started at 2p and didn’t end until 4 hours later.  Jesus Christ they covered every little nook and cranny option and this was a huge upsell time.  They want all of your money and it’s emotional, your vulnerable and why not capitalize on that.  It’s business and business has no room for emotion it’s all about $. 

That said mom did pay for something ahead of time but it wasn’t much just a basic cremation, a cremation container (which is a cardboard box that costs $400 today) and a ceramic urn.  There were other fees that she didn’t account for so there were plenty of costs for us to bare, plus they won’t do anything until you pay them.

Long story short here we each will have a stain glass butterfly to keep with part of her ashes in it.  The rest of her remains will go into a sand urn.  It’s totally made of sand and there is a water soluble liner inside, so that once the urn comes in contact with water the remains release back into the earth.  She wants to be scattered by her parents grave, which we will do at a later date and time.  Remember Glamour Shots?  Well she had a photo set done there and they made her look like a hooker.  That was the best photo that my brother had of her and that is what were using for the service as well as her obituary.  The photo will be an oil painting of her framed in Cherry Wood.  He will get to keep the painting.  We are having a memorial mass for her on Saturday.  There will be visitation for an hour ahead of time.  We will be allowed in a 1/2 hour before friends start calling. 

The final total was several thousands of dollars, which in any ordinary case would be covered by life insurance.  Our mom doesn’t have any, she was very close to penniless.  It’s very sad.  My brother took care of her and he had financial responsibility but I couldn’t in good faith let him front the entire bill, likewise I can’t afford much and gave much more than I can afford.

The most unique thing that we will each have is a necklace in silver with mom’s thumbprint on it.  They can do it in gold but it’s $1,297 and that is a lot for a little medal.  If money were no object then I would go for it.  I told them we will take 2 in silver and my brother just looked at me as if to say WTF.  I told him I was buying 1 for each of us to have.  He’s okay with that but kind of thinks it is unnecessary.  I think when he has it in hand he will be much more appreciative and thankful.  He can keep a little bit of her with him all the time. 

Saturday will be a very long and emotional day.  I think I am wise to take my remaining 2 days on Monday & Tuesday next week.  The church lady wanted to meet with us both on Wednesday this week to discuss hymns and verses.  Oddly enough we both are thinking of the same 2 songs.  I am letting my brother drive this as I told him I don’t really have anything to contribute and he is okay with that. 

I suggested to him that after the service is done that the family … meaning him and his girlfriends kids and who ever the hell else tags along including me all go to Olive Garden.  It was mom’s favorite place and brought so much joy to her.  I can’t ever think of OG without picturing her, even seeing a commercial is a huge trigger. I wanted to go today for lunch but talked myself out of it and it’s probably better. 

I spent the day doing most of what I would normally do on any given Sunday and for the kids sake I didn’t run the noise machine aka vacuum.  I did go through a ton of photos, my brother called this morning and asked about pictures of her.  I didn’t think I had but 1 and after searching I found 10.  I got them scanned in and sent them to him.  None of them were exactly what he was looking for but hey at least he has 10 more photos than he had this morning. 

We have been back and forth all afternoon long.  I think all the bases are covered.  Now I have to pull myself together and go back into everyday life.  I think I will be fine.  Honestly I didn’t think I would be as emotional as I am and what is eating me alive is guilt.  I feel so bad.  I know she understood but it would have been nice to spend time with her before she departed the earth.  I miss her so much and we weren’t that close.  If you think about it she is the only person I have known my entire life, she gave me life and well that is a huge bond.  At least we don’t have to go through this again.  The next time will be one of us burying the other and I pray that is no time soon.

My brother has a new job and has been there for close to a year.  It’s kind of neat, he pressure tests cylinders.  Sounds interesting.  He bought a house.  Anyway they have a care program for when you lose a loved one they will pay you $1,500 which is just unheard of.  I told him take every penny they are willing to give you, you need it and it will help defray costs.  He is down playing it and doesn’t think he qualifies but I told him to look into it.  I will be talking with my HR Department tomorrow and I can pretty well guarantee that we don’t have a similar program. 

Well it’s off to the upstairs where I will wind up my evening.  Sleeping is something that neither of us has done much of.  I hope that I sleep very well tonight because tomorrow is coming at full force.  I just keep asking why did she have to go at such a young age and why now?  She was an organ donor and we were told they took skin and her corneas.  Oddly enough 1 of her corneas was failing.  So it’s nice to know that a part of her is still living.  My family has always been one to help others and I suppose that is all of our missions in life. 

I hate to be so depressing but we all need an outlet and this is mine!

 

Emotional Day

Last night I sent a very long winded text to my brother.  I was surprised that this morning I had no reply.  Figuring that he was operating without me and trying to fuck me just one last time I reached out to the funeral home.  They didn’t know I was also next of kin.  They kept saying they had spoken with “the family” and that is when I lost it and said I am her fucking family what part of my mother don’t you understand.  So I was told that under state law nothing can be done with her body until they have my signature on a form.

I called my brother and had to leave a voice mail.  I used the information I had regarding the law as leverage and got a call back with in a few minutes.  He was trying to shut me out.  But my new found knowledge helped bring him to his senses.  Now we are going to make funeral arrangements together this afternoon. 

We don’t have to be adversaries and there doesn’t need to be tension or a RIF in the family.  But I can’t make him change his mind or think differently.  I suspect that once this is done that will be the last time I see or hear from my brother for a very long time. 

My heart hurts much more today than it did yesterday.  I find myself doing all sorts of crazy stuff and can’t remember anything.  That is my first sign that I am in stress mode.  I really want to go to work tomorrow but not sure if that will happen or not.  I didn’t sleep well last night and that is despite the fact that I took an extra sleeping pill.  Perhaps if I can make it through today w/o a nap, the stress from the day will help me to sleep or so I hope. 

Clearly this is not how I planned to spend my weekend and everything is just turned upside down right now.  The cats know something is wrong but they are unsure of what or how to fix it.  Time is the only thing that will make things better. 

Really wish I had someone by my side to help me through this. 

Rest In Peace

I had so much planned for today, I got woke up early by Gator and fed the kids.  I finished up Schitt’s Creek and then laid down with Marv & Gator.  We just got comfy and the phone rang.  Something told me to answer it, so I followed my instinct.  I saw it was my brother calling and knew that it probably wasn’t good news. 

I answered and it was his girlfriend, she was yammering on and told me to get to the hospital that was close to their place.  I was stark naked when she called [sorry if that gave you a visual] and threw on some clothes fast, took my pills and dashed out the door. 

I had to put the address into my Navigation system because I didn’t quite know exactly where I was going.  Me and my new wheels jetted that way and my top speed was 115mph.  I was flying and just couldn’t get there fast enough.

I parked and walked in a feverish pace to the door marked Emergency Room.  As I entered a short lady asked me if I was Jeremy and I responded, she said I’ll take you back to be with your family. 

We walked what seemed to be a never ending hallway and finally got to this large room where the curtain was closed.  As I entered the room I was trying to psych myself up for what I was going to see, I knew it would be a dead body.

As the curtain opened and I entered the room my mom was laying on a stretcher and my brother was sobbing his eyes out as his girlfriend tried to comfort him.  Our mom had passed away from a massive heart attack.  I was numb, a little sad but overall numb.  I am still processing things in my mind. 

I spoke with a nurse and expressed my concerns that there could have been foul play involved.  He spoke with the coroner who said that it sounded like natural causes and released the body to the funeral home.  If I wanted an autopsy it would come out of my pocket and it wouldn’t be cheap.  I decided to just let my suspicions go to the grave with my mom.  It just isn’t worth it. 

What the girlfriend told me was they picked her up last night and she expressed concerns over shortness of breath.  She often did this and they just shrugged it off.  Mom went to spend the weekend with my brother.  This morning they were eating breakfast and she expressed the same concern again.  They again shrugged it off as the boy crying wolf.  The girlfriend noticed that mom was turning blue and they suggested that she lie down, she did and that’s when the lights went out.  The girlfriend started CPR and they called 9-1-1.  Am ambulance arrived quickly and got her to the hospital quickly.  They gave her 7 rounds of epi and tried to bring her back, despite the fact that she didn’t want to be resuscitated.  There efforts failed to revive her. 

My relationship with my family has been distant since the event that occurred a couple years ago.  It’s when something like this happens that you wish you would have done things differently.  I had an inkling that I should go see my mom a few weeks ago but I dismissed it.  Now I know why I had the feeling and had I saw her it might have made today a little easier.  What affected me the most was seeing my brother cry.  I can’t stand to see him in pain or suffering, despite everything we have been through.  It just tears me up.  He is distant with me and I get that.  The events of today brought true what our grandparents used to preach to us … someday it will be just you 2 and you should get along because one day each of you will only have the other.  Profound words that echoed loudly in my mind. 

We know that mom made arrangements in advance many years ago.  We know that she wants cremation.  We don’t know if she paid for it and if she wanted a service or not.  I’m waiting to hear the details and don’t know if or when they will come.  I am entitled to 3 days of leave at work and have already called my boss.  I don’t know that I will be taking time away.  I told my brother to let me know if he needs anything and what the arrangements are. 

I could but in but I figure that he took the lead a long time ago with being financially responsible for her and this is the final task that he should preform.  If he wants me involved I am happy to be there but if not, that’s okay too. 

I am still numb to it all but the emotions have been going through my mind and I suspect they will for the days to come.  I have many memories both good and bad to reflect on.  I pray that my mom is at peace.  She no longer has to battle the demons that ruled her life for so many years. 

She was only 64 [what is oddly eerie about this is that I am 46] and her birthday would have been on the 29th.  I had just prepared a birthday card for her last night and written a note to her.  Now I wished that I would have called.  I take comfort in the fact that she didn’t die alone, she was with my brother and that beats dying in a nursing home alone. 

I really wish that things would have played out differently here as I write this the more the emotions are getting to me.  I know I will be okay but I have to get to a breaking point and cry, let it all out and then well that’s when the healing will start. 

Even though I was estranged from her, I still sent cards and letters to her.  Not as frequently as I would have liked but I did.  I remember the times in years past when I would just show up out of the blue and we would go to lunch, that would make her day.  It made me feel good that I was making her feel good.  The look of joy on her face was comforting.  When it was time for me to leave it was always a struggle for her because she didn’t like saying goodbye or parting ways.  It was never an issue until her mental illness started to get more aggressive. 

Death is the ultimate consequence that we all must suffer eventually.  Seeing others go before you doesn’t make it easier but it’s a journey that we each get closer to traveling each and every day.

Mom, may you rest in peace.  I will always regret my decision to not have you in my life a little more. 

Exclusion

Ever since my mom phoned over the weekend, I have been thinking about excluding her.  She has no idea why I feel like I do and why I am avoiding her.  I’d love to lay it all out for her, but since I don’t know the status of the matter that is pending I would be a fool to do that now.  So I have to just avoid her.  Last night though I was dead tired I couldn’t turn my brain off.  I kept thinking about a decision that I came to mentally.  I had an odd dream.  However, I have forged ahead with my plan.  As of this morning my mom will no longer be able to call me, I have blocked her numbers so that if she does call all she will get is the standard telco recording that the number has been disconnected.  Thankfully she doesn’t have my cell phone but she may ask my brother for it, if he decides to cough it up I’ve got her blocked on my cell for 30 days, I can renew the block after that.  So if she calls all she will get is a fast busy signal.  It is a little bothersome that I have actually put this in place, but it’s for my own sanity and safety.  I can’t deal with any of her drama and don’t want to risk saying something about a subject I shouldn’t be talking about.  I may get a call from my brother but then again I kind of doubt that.  He hasn’t kept in touch and I last spoke with him around summer of last year.  That was quite sometime ago.

My next part of the plan is to get an Easter card and send it with a note.  Just to acknowledge that she called and say hello, letting her know that I am okay.  I am sure she worries about me, as any mother would worry about their own child.  I am comfortable with my decision but deep down I know it’s going against the grain.  So it feels odd but I’ve essentially been doing this for a while, just never blocked her from calling.  If I get to tell her one day what this is all about great.  If I don’t then she will never know.  That is kind of a fear of mine, I don’t like to leave things unsettled, I like closure.  However, I’ve been put in an odd spot and to a degree I think she is apart of that so I have to do what is best for me.  Regardless of how it feels.

I’d really love nothing more than to have a supportive and understanding family that is normal.  However, from the time I was conceived things haven’t been normal in my life.  I don’t think they are going to ever get there.  I am semi-comfortable being alone, I mean the only person I need in this world is myself.  I proved that time and time again.  However, I don’t want to be alone I’d like more friends and of course a man.  That may happen eventually.  I think if I can get a man that the friend part will follow.  I am still on the apps and looking.  I am very anxious to fall in love, move forward and get on with my life.  Unfortunately, in the game of life things don’t move as fast as you want them to. 

I’ve faced my worst possible fear, I don’t know that many people are able to say that.  I also don’t know those that can say it can say they have survived, but I can.  I am thankful for everything that I have and that things have turned out so well.  My next greatest fear is that my life will fall apart and that I will loose everything.  I work hard to keep that fear at bay, but honestly it’s so close that it’s palpable..  Miss a couple paychecks and my world will start to crumble.  Scary how close it is.

There is stuff going on at work that will either end my job or keep my job.  It’s stuff that I am not supposed to know but with the nature of my job I have come across information.  I can’t and haven’t shared it with anyone.  I’ve asked my boss about it in general terms and he has no idea or he too is playing dumb.  I work with a lot of smart people and lots of people are talking right now.  At the moment and for the foreseeable future I am okay.  I do think that there will be some further staffing cuts, I am told I am safe but really no one is safe, were all replaceable.  I was the last one in so it would make sense that I would be the first one out.  I really enjoy what I do and am quite happy, despite the minor issues that arise.  I’d love to keep this job if not for the rest of my working life, then for a very long time.  We don’t always get what we want but I am very fortunate to be in the position I am, this in many ways is a dream come true. 

Okay so I am jumping off the soap box.  Back to ye old salt mine.  3 more days left.  Still looking forward to my massage on Thursday.  I still hurt and know that the massage will be painful but hopefully it will do the most good.  If I had the money I’d sign up for a couple hours.  There was one lady that used to work here she was seriously overweight and she would sign up for 2 to 3 hours at a time.  You couldn’t get her to come upstairs for any other reason but the minute the massage signup sheet went out she would be on the first elevator up.  Crazy but then again she was rolling in money, took 2 cruises every year.  Wish I could afford to do that.  Heard this morning on the news that people who don’t take vacations are more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke.  I’d love a vacation it sounds good, just not practical, especially since I wouldn’t have anyone to spend it with. 

Hope your having an awesome Tuesday!  Talk with you again soon.  Thanks for stopping by.