Finally Done!

Afternoon & Happy Sunny Sunday!

Woke up and made it to breakfast & the grocery store.  The gas tank is still quite full so I opted to skip topping off.  Came home, got the groceries put away and a nap in. 

Set my medication out and then my phone went off.  The yard guy texted me to say he was on the way.  He arrived in short order.  I showed him what needed to be done and he shot me a price.  I asked how soon he could do it and much to my surprise he said now.  I told him to get started and I would be inside writing his check.  Wow it was just a few hundred dollars, came in under what I had planned to spend.  Him and his wife knocked it out in about an hour. 

It’s a hot one here we were at 83 when they were at the halfway point and it was 85 when they left.  He wasn’t nearly as aggressive with the bush trimming as I would have liked but at least they don’t look horrible.  Now that is finally behind me.  Next up waiting for the lawn crew to show up, which I expect this week.  Fingers crossed. 

Kind of feels like everything is coming together.  Hopefully, this isn’t the calm before a storm where I get hit with some major problem or issue.  I could use some good luck for a change!

Saw on social media that Charlie Puth’s wife gave birth to a boy.  They haven’t announced the name of the child.  His new album Whatever’s Clever will be out on Friday.  He’s going on tour soon as well.  Kind of bad timing I think but I know he likes touring & preforming.  Sadly he’s not coming to my area.  I’d have to travel 4 hours to see him and while I think highly of him & his music, it’s not worth it to me.  He was the first artist I saw in concert by myself.  Really wish I could have met him in person, but that didn’t work out.

I’ve got some laundry going, planning to head out for BBQ and a car wash this afternoon.  Then back home for the week.  I will be on-call starting tomorrow.  I was kind of on all this past week since it was the bosses turn.  The only good news is that once this week is done, next week the mistake maker will be on-call and I can relax a little bit. 

I was really surprised but the boss said this past week that he hadn’t heard anything from HR on the open position.  I think they are probably screening applicants and hopefully will have a bunch to present to him.  Maybe if were lucky we can have someone hired and starting either late April or early May.  Still crossing my fingers that whom ever they hire has a decent personality and isn’t a jerk.  I prefer it be a guy just because our team seems to function well when it’s all male.  We had a female when I started and there was lots of drama and temper tantrums, I ain’t got time for that.  Guys I find don’t want to get wrapped up in drama. 

Off to surf the internet for more smut and pass some time before I head out.  Looking forward to relaxing and unwinding tonight.  I made an impulse buy at the grocery store. Doom Oreo’s.  They are supposed to have color changing crème and they are advertised as having green crème.  I haven’t looked in my mouth to see if the color changed when I ate them, most of them fell apart easily but damn they have a lot of chocolaty goodness and are delicious.  $5 for a small box.  Family size twice that goes for $3 and some change.  It’s the limited production factor as to why they are priced higher.  The store has them off in a corner so you can’t see them until you leave.  I have had my eye on them for 2 weeks. 

Hope you had or are having a great day.  Were back to Winter/early Spring temperatures tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure I will be turning the thermostat back to heat.  Whacky wild ride the weather is dealing us but right now it feels good, even though it’s quite humid. 

Stay safe & take care!

The Weekend

Made it to the breakfast buffet.  It was truly a bust and I was disappointed, especially after driving a little over an hour to get there and looking so forward to it all week long.  The eggs were ice cold, the sausage links they had tasted odd but I ate them.  They had decent French Toast Sticks but no other flavor of syrup than maple so I ate them plain.  Hash Browns in a wedge kind of like you’d get from McDonald’s but way bigger.  Blueberry Muffins dusted with powered sugar.  There were a couple of egg casseroles I tried one of them and it was greasy, I saw sausage and thought it would be pretty good.  Turns out it was a locally made sausage cured in beer and it tasted God awful.  I wondered what I put in my mouth so I asked the waitress and she told me that everyone raves over it.  I told her that it was disgusting and she was surprised at my reaction.  Dropped $19.01 that included a tip and then headed home. 

Well not straight home, I went to my friends shop in hopes that they would know the crazy lady from the gas station but no luck.  Tried Cheeseburger Flavored Doritos and they were really good. 

While I was at the breakfast buffet my Thanksgiving friends reached out via text and I’ve arranged to meet them tonight for supper.  I came home from my friends shop and had the best intentions of taking a nap but called to setup dinner for tonight and wound up in a two hour phone conversation where we talked about everything from current happenings to my late spouse and his health.  It was a walk down memory lane and damn I really miss him!

I ventured out to Ruby Tuesday’s which is where I originally wanted to go on Friday.  They had a Garlic Lover’s Burger it sounded good but turns out it was Charbroiled and it tasted gross but I ate it.  At least I got some decent Tater Tots, haven’t had those in forever.  It was time to pay my bill and I heard the bar tender explaining a bill to a customer at the bar.  She went over and over saying the same thing.  Then she roped in my waitress and after a few times of hearing the same story I totally understood his bill way better than he did. He ordered a couple drinks and shots and wasn’t prepared for the cost, he thought he was being over charged.  He also got food.  The manager was involved and that’s when I asked the bar tender how much his bill was she said $80 and then corrected herself to say $60.  I told her I was going to offer to pay it just to shut him up but damn that was a little steep plus it involved liquor and I’m just not a fan of paying for someone’s habit.  I walked out and thought wow I probably dodged a bullet.  I love to help people and that is what seems to attract the crazy factor, at least in the last couple days. 

This morning I went out for breakfast as per usual.  I walked in and noticed it was oddly quiet and then I heard we have no power it will be two hours before it’s back on.  Damn I was really looking forward to breakfast.  I walked out and thought everything happens for a reason.  For the first time in over a year I went back to Cracker Barrel.  I not only saw the waiter I had a crush on and asked out, he was my waiter.  He remembered me and my drink order.  The menu has seriously changed but I knew what I wanted and ordered it.  He told me that he’s been traveling to California and he just bought a house.  Then he told me where he lived, general area and asked me again to refresh his memory where I lived.  He touched my shoulder and said it’s really good to see you again.  Fuck he looked as hot as ever.  I really want him not only sexually but as a friend.  However, I’ve done my recon work and not only is he in his early 20’s but he’s got a criminal record that’s pretty long and he has this habit of driving without a license and getting caught constantly.  He’s got a case pending now.  If it wasn’t for his criminal record I would continue to pursue him until he either told me to get lost or gave in and went out on a date with me.  I am sure that there is probably more to his criminal story that what I see on-line but it is truly a disappointment.  I was really counting on him going out with me some three years ago when I initially approached him but he told me he had school but he would for sure call me.  He plaid games and strung me along.  Yeah he broke my heart but that’s also why I haven’t been there in over a year.  I can’t shove my feelings aside for wanting him I just know that having it actually come to fruition is not only dangerous it’s probably just not happening.  I’m sure he’s still got my number and I have his, unless he’s changed it.  If he wants to make a move I’m willing to at least go on a date with him.  I’ve let him know many, many times that I am very interested, I think to the point where my desperation showed.  I just don’t get why he would tell me that he was interested and exchange numbers with me but not follow through, kind of wish that he would have just said no, that would have hurt but I’d be over it by now.  I’ve been thinking about him ever since I left Cracker Barrel and I know he’s going to be in my thoughts for a while.  Everything happens for a reason and I think I have dogged a pretty big bullet here but yet I keep putting myself in the line of fire over and over.  Guys and there good looks – I’m just a sucker and desperate at that.  Not desperate enough to just do a hookup though.  That’s why I’ve got such a porn addiction.  It’s been a little over a decade since I got laid and to say I’ve got the itch to fuck is quite the understatement.  It’s only getting worse the longer this goes on.  If I didn’t engage in self pleasure I would be in serious dire straights. 

Looking forward to seeing my friends and catching up as well as getting some advice from them.  I think I am going to talk with HR and let them know about the crazy lady not only for my own protection but for the sake of the business.  My telling them can only help both of us and if they opt to interview and hire her well then that’s on them.  I do want to preserve and protection my reputation.  I think that is the right thing to do and I will certainly think twice before I ever hand my business card to a complete stranger ever again. 

Thanks for stopping by and reading my yapping.  I hope your doing well and life is treating you well.  It’s back to work for me tomorrow and I don’t look forward to it at all but it’s a necessary evil to continue to keep on keeping on.  Cheers!

Lazy Monday

Morning … Back to reality aka the normal daily routine.  I got an early morning wake up call from Rudy at 6a but managed to roll over and go back to sleep for a bit.  He came back closer to my normal wake up time of 7a.  He tends to go more by the time the timer kicks the light on in the living room rather than the actual clock.  He is always so excited for morning.  He is every bit as sweet and cute as I am describing.  I am lucky to have him in my life and so thankful for him and his sister.  It is truly a well made match, despite the cold feet I had in the beginning which will be two years ago next month. 

As my post from yesterday mentions I had some trouble getting away to get to supper.  However, I made it despite it being later than I wanted.  I encountered deer on the drive to but there were no close calls and for that I am thankful. 

Red Lobster was packed at least to look at the parking lot but I think most of it was staff.  Because when I got inside the place was mostly a ghost town, not many customers at all.  There was an all female party that entered before me consisting of about 5 people.  I figured there for sure would be a wait but nope I got right in.  The lights were so damn low in the place I could barely read the menu.  I looked for my favorite of Crab Alfredo knowing full well that it wouldn’t be on the menu and it wasn’t.  I stuck with my trusty Flounder Dinner with Mashed Potatoes and Broccoli.  The food was out really fast and it was super hot.  Red Lobster re-did their tartar sauce and it’s got some dill in it now.  I am not a fan of the new stuff.  Much preferred the old stuff that most people disliked.  This was my first time finishing the entire meal in one sitting.  Normally I eat a little bit, feel full and get a box and wind up taking most of it home for a second go round the next day. It did take a few minutes to get waited on but once that happened my waitress was super attentive and provided great service.  She had a couple tables and tended to check on all of us at the same time.  I got that comfort feeling while I was there and really enjoyed this meal.  The music playing was all over the place from holiday tunes, way old music to some new stuff.  I heard Charlie Puth join in a song with a female singer in a song that I hadn’t heard before.

The drive home was via a different route.  I had some slight vision issues but some headlights were so damn bright and other areas were just super dark.  I got to see some holiday lights and thankfully had no flashing lights behind me.  Made it back about thirty minutes before treat time for the cats.  I just passed out food and treats at the same time.  That always confuses them.  They don’t know what to eat first. 

Turned the heat up by a degree and used the space heater for the living room.  I had an idea of what I wanted to do for the rest of the evening but wound up just sitting and watching TV.  Enjoying cuddling with both cats.  They both just talked me out of what I really wanted to do but I was having a good time.  I tend to think along the lines of not having both of them some day and wanting to spend as much time with them as possible.  Especially since I have had so many cats pass and I still miss them.  Next week will mark the two year passing of my sweet Gator.  Between that and the Christmas holiday I feel so alone and sad.  I miss my late spouse and kind of wish that he could see me now. 

The evening passed quickly as most Sunday evenings do and sooner rather than later it was time for bed.  Rudy was sleeping well for a couple hours and when I got up to start brushing my teeth he just knew that play time would be around the corner.  He started bugging me and talking to me.  I got to finish brushing and then went straight to playing with him.  He had fun and I shared the playtime with Mora.  They both look forward to that bit of energy and excitement before I go to bed.  I passed out some cat nip when we were done.  Rudy managed to settle down but Mora was all fired up for a bit. 

I sat in my room watching more TV and waiting for my extra strength dose of sleeping meds to kick in.  Finally around 11p I climbed in bed, not a cat in sight.  I got to relax and enjoy my own bed for a little bit before Rudy came to join me.  It wasn’t long and I turned the TV off, rolled over in the opposite direction and off to dream land I went.  Had a couple of strange dreams last night and woke up for a short bit but managed to quickly get back to sleep. 

The tasks that I had planned to knock out this morning I am opting to save for when I am in the office in a couple days hopefully things will cooperate and I can occupy my time and get the task done.  I don’t have a whole lot going on Wednesday.  I am opting to coast today.  I’ve done what I had to and am on standby for anything else that comes in but it won’t be long and I will be headed up for a bit.  I know the moment I get comfy and relax my phone will see that and the emails will come in but yet I am still going to do it. 

I see a large work volume pending for the person who is on-call today, which thankfully is not me and is my mistake making co-worker.  I almost forgot that on my trip last night I was gone for about 15 minutes when my phone chirped from work.  I peeked at it and dealt with it when I got back home.  I was like you had all damn day to bother me and the moment I step out is when it happens.  Thankfully it wasn’t anything that was super urgent.  I am once again thankful that my week of on-call is done.  One more week of that in two weeks and then I am done for the year.  Sadly it will all start over again next year and I never look forward to it.  I count the total number of weeks, which averages out to be 18 or 19 weeks and just begin counting down.  I don’t get terribly excited about it until closer to the summer and that’s when time seems to start to just fly. 

Well enough yapping for now.  Going to head up and check on the cats and see what I can find on YouTube.  Perhaps court is in session.  I love watching that because you never know when an interesting moment will happen.  People never fail to surprise and astound by acting like a fool. 

Were getting a bit more snow today but it won’t be a whole lot.  Glad I can enjoy it by watching from inside as it falls while I stay warm.  Hope that you are staying warm and well.  Take care!

Cuts like a knife

Morning.  I know the title is a decent song by Bryan Adams however I’m talking about cat claws.  Last night Rudy was so intent on staying close to me.  I was sitting in my chair after a shower watching TV and waiting for my knock out pills to kick in.  Rudy was sleeping away, I had to wake him to get up.  He climbed down and waited for me to return.  When I came back he jumped back up in the chair and went back to sleep.  I had to get up multiple times and hated waking him.  After about the umpteenth time he was in a trance on the floor, I touched him to pick him up and it was kind of startling.  I set him in my lap and his back claws landed right on my nuts.  He sliced me open a little bit.  Like I told him no good deed seems to go unpunished for me.  I didn’t blame him or even yell.  I knew I was cut just waited for the blood to start to surface, once it did time for some alcohol wipes and some antibiotic ointment.  That was the final thing that went wrong for me yesterday. 

I did get my dinner at the Mexican place.  It wasn’t as good as last week, they held back on the seasoning which is what makes the meal.  Still I enjoyed it and service was slightly better.  The place was quiet as it was me and one other customer which was a family that had kids and they were all screamers.  Yeah not exactly the best experience for me and my ears but I made it. 

Glad the I elected to make the bed before I left the house and take care of some other chores.  That way all I had to do was come home, feed the cats, get comfy and watch TV.  It was nice.  I surfed social media and watched a couple YouTube videos then back to New Amsterdam.  Got up showered and came back to watch more of the show, took my pills and was all set to pass out. 

It was a little after midnight before I started to feel the effects of the drugs taking a hold.  I climbed into bed.  Mora gave me a magic hug and it wasn’t long before it was lights out and into the night I went. 

Had a horrible dream that I went back to work at a place that I left, got a crummy job.  Figured out how to rob the soda machine, had crappy hours and got a job where I was cleaning up dust which I am highly allergic to.  I managed to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  Went back to bed and damn if the dream didn’t pickup where it left off.  Finally my alarm clock went off.  Apparently Rudy wanted to sleep on the job as well.  He was on top of me but there were no biscuits that I was aware of.  He probably tried but I was unresponsive.  I felt hung over as I made my way out of bed and to the bathroom and kitchen. 

Even heading down to start the day I felt horrible like I just wanted to go back to bed.  I had the idea last night before I went to sleep to call in today but here I am.  My tasks complete thus far who knows what else may crop up. 

I enjoyed staring at the cats last night just watching them sleep.  Mora was all sprawled out on my bed with that permanent smile of hers that seems to be tattooed on her face, just like her brother.  The both smile when they sleep.  They look so angelic and I just thought about how lucky I was to have them, how much joy they bring me and how they saved my life as much as I saved theirs.  It was a peaceful thought that had no interruptions and it’s moments like that I wish came more often.  I love them so much, despite the trouble they cause from time to time.  I still want to know what happened to the ping pong ball but cats got Mora’s tongue and she ain’t talkin. 

Here’s hoping Monday is a calm day that might permit a short nap.  I’ve got enough sugar in my system that I know is going to wear off sooner or later. 

Hope all is well in your world.  Take care. 

Thankful

Dear Reader,

This time of year is one that some look forward to, some dread and others have no feelings at all.  It’s the start of “The Holidays” and what will feel like watching an egg timer tick by until the end of the year, at least to me. 

I am one of those people that is lonely and feels pain when “The Holidays” roll around.  I do love to eat and Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday, just for the food alone.  Many years ago me and my late spouse were riding around on one of his “adventure trips” where we just drive around to get away.  We passed a place that I had seen many times before.  I looked it up on the internet (I think we were on dial up or just got high speed internet, that’s how long ago it was) and found that it was an Italian Place.  My late spouse wasn’t much for Italian and/or Mexican but those are my primary go to favorites.  He indulged me and we made a trip, that’s when we found that this place was an upscale restaurant.  Prices weren’t exactly cheap but portions were large and the food was phenomenal.  We kept going back to learn that they did Thanksgiving Family Style.  We made reservations for the two of us and walked out that Thanksgiving very full and had a ton of left overs, which are the best part of Thanksgiving.  The following year we invited some friends and they loved it as well.  It soon became a tradition.  Then they invited a friend or two.  Eventually with time my spouse passed.  It was just the 3 of us for that Thanksgiving but we agreed then and there to keep our tradition. 

Fast forward to when COVID hit and restaurants closed.  I had reservations but got a call and that’s when they introduced me to their carryout program.  They changed my reservation to an order and I had Thanksgiving at my friends house.  They invited their neighbors and since then we have done carry out.  Their house offered a much larger table, there wasn’t a crowd of people, you didn’t have to get super dressed up and drive a long distance and we could all take our time.  That’s been our new tradition.  My friends have changed who they invited each year and now the regulars are their neighbor and their clergy and his family.  You can’t swear which I fucking hate and just try to think of myself of at the office to censor my speech.  Once and a while someone will let a God Damnit slip out and I just think it’s funny, but that’s the little kid in me.  This year were set to go to their clergy’s house and as you have read I am not super excited about it at all.  I feel that our tradition has been fucked.  I say nothing because ever since my spouse passed, they pick up the tab and it’s not small by any stretch of the imagination.  The saying beggars can’t be choosers applies. 

If your reading this and wondering what decision I’ve made well I am writing this in the future and posting it the day of Thanksgiving.  So, you will have to come back to find out what I did.  However, since we are so close to the holiday and I did commit, I kind of don’t want to back out plus I don’t want to pass up a free meal and/or be totally alone.  I am leaning heavily on going unless something manages to change my mind.  If I go let’s hope that it all goes smoother than I think it will in my mind.

In years past a tradition that started with a job I had was to make a list of things you are thankful for.  Everyone would post them on a bulletin board and it made a great inspirational piece to pass by and look at.  I brought that home and it’s something that me and my spouse would do.

When you get into the thick of things it’s easy to loose sight of all of the blessings that one has, even someone all alone like me.  I might not have family/friends or a boyfriend/partner but I’ve still got plenty of blessings.  I’ve got a home, two newish cats that adore me, a paid off automobile, a decent job, the ability to work from home, technology (aka creature comforts like high speed internet, cell phone, subscription movie services, cable tv), health (nothing major wrong with me yet, but I am sure my time on that is running out), my memory (even though things can get fuzzy from time to time), an open mind and the list goes on.  If you take time and think about it I’ll bet you that you too could start a list of things that your thankful for.  One of the biggest blessings other than my health is the ability to be able to publish this blog and your readership.  I look at the stats and see that most of my readers are in the US but there are folks in other countries that visit. 

I’ve said all of that to simply say, I am thankful for you and your readership.  Check back a little later this afternoon and you’ll find some Thanksgiving Man Candy.  I hope that it’s a great holiday for you!

The mop up guy

Howdy!  I had one call last night, nothing terribly serious just bad timing.  I got it taken care of and was relaxing with Morea in my lap and Rudy on my bed.  Suddenly and without much warning I managed to drift off, I was exhausted.  I was kind of surprised but after the day I had with the manual labor on the Water Softener it all makes sense. 

Once I woke up I managed to get Morea off my lap, which was no easy task.  She likes to setup shop, nap and it’s like trying to move concrete but if you chip away at her long enough she will give in, not necessarily happy about it but she will give in. 

I had Fish & Mac n Cheese for supper, simple & easy.  Had some gummy worms for desert.  Then it was off to camp in front of the TV.  I took in Kathleen Madigan’s new comedy special on Amazon.  It was good, I got a couple of chuckles in.  I am a tough customer to make laugh and I think the more shit that life hands me the tougher that gets.  However, laughter is something that I enjoy and not something that I fight but it’s got to appeal to me.  Some people and comedians can make me laugh easier than others.  It also depends on what I am going through or what the day has dealt me.  Once I get rolling with laughter it’s kind of difficult to stop me. 

I surfed Social Media again.  Morea tried to bite my phone and really didn’t want me paying attention to anything or anyone but her.  I gave her some minor attention and then I kept on.  Nothing really of note but it’s one of a few activities that I do on a daily basis that is enjoyable and quite addicting.  Kind of like eating or breathing. 

I took some extra sleeping medicine and did it early so that I would get a decent nights sleep.  I woke up at 3a once again with my legs 1/2 off the bed.  It was a dream where I was walking and my hips were hurting when I woke up, not to mention my back.  I’ve got a couple of knots on each side that are bothering me.  I had to fight with the cats to reclaim part of my bed.  The best part was when I woke back up at 5a and had to use the bathroom.  They both were certain I was getting up so they followed me.  I got to climb back into an empty bed and ah that was so nice to have my entire bed to myself.  I had that yesterday afternoon when I tried but failed at taking a nap.  It’s been a little over a month since I was the only one sleeping in that bed.  I kind of miss that but don’t want to trade in the cats.  I’d gladly buy them their own small bed but I don’t think they would want to sleep in it.  At this point there are only two ways I am going to get a bed to sleep in by myself.  That is 1 to kick them out and not permit them in my room OR 2 to go check into a hotel.  I am apt to try option #1 but I really don’t want to hurt their feelings, that is the only thing that is preventing me from giving it a try however were getting closer to that point in time. 

I could for sure use a nice massage.  If I could teach both of them to make their biscuits on my upper back they would do a decent job.  Morea weights more so she would be the best at it.  Rudy weights next to nothing and makes quick biscuits whereas Morea takes her time.  Regardless it feels good so long as they don’t opt to use their claws.  I don’t have high hopes for trying to train them to work on my back.  I should probably invest in a massage chair, that would be money well spent, especially for all of the aches I have.  I couldn’t imagine getting a massage each day but it would have to be something that was worth while so that I didn’t have to supplement with a human.  Massages via a human are expensive but that seems to be the only method that is really of any effect on me.  I’d ask the doctor for physical therapy but they would want me to do all sorts of exercises, constantly ask me when I was going back to the doctor and then there is the travel to and from.  When I think about all of that it’s kind of not worth it, even though it could help me feel better. 

It’s going to be another day of stupid meetings.  We have serious storms in the forecast for today and then tomorrow the temperature drops.  It’s like today it’s spring and tomorrow its back to winter.  It’s not terribly uncommon for this time of year.  However I think were going to have another year where we go from a couple days of Spring straight into the heat of Summer with very little transition time, which also seems to be more normal.  It wasn’t like that when I was younger you could experience all 4 seasons here.  Personally, I would be okay if it was in the low to mid 70’s year round.  That would be comfortable and I think enjoyable.  However, I know that it’s possible to get better weather but it would require a move. 

I almost forgot the most important part, I won at Powerball finally.  I got 2 numbers and depending on which internet resource is correct I either get $4 or $7.  I’ll find out if I remember to take the ticket to the grocery store with me on Sunday.  I did say please God let me win but I wasn’t specific on the sum, so perhaps I got what I asked for.  It would be nice to win something sizeable where I could quit my job and move and travel.  Not sure if that will ever happen especially if my dreams are contingent on winning the lottery because the odds are certainly NOT stacked in my favor. 

I had to clean up another mess that a co-worker created and I am really pissed off about it.  Today is one of those days where I wish I could just walk away.  While I can leave at any time and without any notice I have to think more about how I would survive and it’s just not prudent to throw away everything because I got pissed off.  It’s a good thing that I am separated by geography from my co-workers and my boss because there are times when I’d like to slap them all.  I’m sure that goes both ways. 

Not much else going on, thus far it’s calm but the day is still young.  I hope that all goes well for me and for you.  Take care and stay safe.  We will talk again soon. 

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MOMMA

 

via GIPHY

 

Momma… It’s been exactly 3 years ago today that you passed. I’m sure you already know I kept my promise to you and did right by your family. I’m sure you notice that you have the last member of your family with you or so I hope you did. Gator left me about 2 months ago. Just like with you it was difficult but her passing was extra difficult because it marked the end in the legacy that we built together, the life that we shared and a time when I was actually happy but didn’t realize it. We have been through so much together and now unfortunately I am all alone. I miss you and your kids. Each day I open a photo app on my phone, to have a look back in time and there are few days that there isn’t a picture or a video of you or one of your kids. It makes me say I miss you all the time, it has also brought a smile to my face at times. I miss my family that’s all of your family and the others that joined us along the way plus your other dad.

Please don’t be sad or worried, I am making it. I had to get a couple of cats to help keep me company. In some ways they remind me of a bit of each of you and your kids. It’s not the same and it never will be, the original family is gone but this brother & sister duo are doing their best to keep my life interesting. The boy (Rudy) is super thin and full of energy, loves to follow me and he’s the one I bonded with first. The girl (Mora) is super large, we have bonded but it just took a little longer. She follows me around as well and often comes to sit in my lap or lay on me for attention or just to be close to me. Somehow they have that “cat” ability to read me and my heart, they know me and they know things that are going on inside of me that I’m not even aware of, which is kind of scary. I’ve not taught either one of them the L word (that’s Lunch) like I taught Gator. However, they always seem to want to eat and they have caught on to Lunch time when I take a break to stop and eat. They of course demand to be fed and I take just as good care of them as I did you and your kids. They aren’t replacements for you or any of your family but rather they are new cats to help occupy the void that was created when Gator left. I honestly didn’t want them and was kind of pushed into it, I took them kind of knowing that once we crossed into the house that would pretty well cement our relationship and we would all become a new family. I am their 3^rd home if you can believe that. I’ve got my thoughts as to why that is. They are quite the handful at times and they do fight but somehow manage to make up and wind up sleeping with me in my tiny bed, which leaves not a lot of room for me. They ensure that there isn’t a boring moment here.

I’ll never forget you or your family and my love will continue for all of you so long as my heart is beating. I love and miss you all so very much. I long for the day that were reunited if that is actually going to happen. I have my doubts but perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised. I hope that you and your family are all at peace and keeping a watchful eye over me from above.

I sure was a Lucky guy to have our paths cross. I never thought I would be allowed to keep you much less that we would wind up keeping your entire family. It’s amazing how it all just came together. I remember the sheer bliss after all of the kids were born. You were so relieved and we were so proud and pleased that it went well and everyone was alive. Thanks, Momma, for all you did for me and for never forgetting that I was your savior. Oddly you and your family were my saviors.

3 whole years passed by so quickly, the world changed so much and some how we managed to endure and are recovering from the pandemic. I made it through and honestly, I didn’t know if that would happen. I really want to check out and come join you and your family but there still seems to be a need for me to stay down here. Apparently, I’ve still got a mission to complete or something like that.

All my love, hugs & kisses to you. Rest in peace sweet girl. I’ve got it from here.

 

 

The Meet & Greet

What an emotional day it’s been.  My emotions have had quite the workout since last month.  If I only got that much in exercise I would probably be on my way to being thinner. 

This morning I went out for breakfast per usual.  Saw the waiter, said hello and kept moving.  When I was done with my meal and headed back to my car it was spitting snow flurries.  I took that as an affirmation that things were going to be okay.  I began to pray as I drove to the grocery store and then the water works turned on I kept them in check so that I could drive. 

After my grocery shopping I came home and sacked out like I typically would.  I suddenly thought of it as a Gator nap, just because we would sit together and both of us would fall asleep, her first and then I would follow. 

I woke up and moved to the basement to get in front of the computer to log all of the money I just spent, catch up on email and of course porn.  Then I got a text from the person that setup the Meet & Greet asking if I wanted to move the time up.  I did so that meant I needed to get moving. 

Came up had my left over dinner for lunch so that I didn’t pass out while I was in the middle of meeting the cats.  Then did the dishes and got on the road. 

I of course was early by 10 minutes and had to stand around and wait but it was time well spent.  There were a couple of other people looking at them.  Then they would move on and I would go back and look at them.  It was just like yesterday the girl was in the corner and the boy was in bed sleeping away.  They seemed really relaxed. 

The lady showed up and told me that they might hiss at me and it could take them more than a couple minutes to warm up to me.  I am apparently the pussy cat whisperer, I’ve got something about me that cats are just drawn to me like I am cat nip.  They both warmed up to me right away and the boy started giving me kisses.  At one point he decided I needed to have my face washed.  That felt kind of good, a little exfoliation. 

They like me and I like them.  However, a big part of me wants to pass just thinking that I won’t get to travel and I will once again have responsibilities.  They would also force my hand into moving on.  I would need to clean up the house so that it’s a welcome home for them.  There is a part of me that likes being all alone just for the freedom that it brings.  I can truly for once in my life do exactly what I want and there isn’t anyone to tell me differently. 

I explained my concerns to the lady and told her about how I really haven’t given myself enough time to grieve the loss.  However, while I could pass on them if the time came when I was ready then there is a pretty good chance that they wouldn’t be there for me.  I am the only person that has an interest in them presently.  However, with the others that have been looking at them and even people showing up while I was visiting I think that if I do pass on them that they will have a home pretty quickly.  However, they have been there since September of last year. 

If you know anything about me it’s that I hate making decisions but the time came where I needed to say yes or no.  I used a third option of maybe and setup a second Meet & Greet for Thursday considering that I will be off.  I can visit with them any morning at 8a but they are about a 1/2 hour away and the only time I could see doing that would perhaps be on Thursday if I get impatient. 

I can string this along probably for one additional session but I plan to try to resolve to make a decision on Thursday.  I’ve chatted with a couple friends and they are pushing me to move forward and take them.  I can make all of the excuses that I want to but based on what they have heard they say that I really want them.  They are in a way replacement cats but they will never replace what I had just because it’s different personalities and it would be a fresh start for all 3 of us.  They are young enough and healthy that chances are we would have a long life together.  The one fear that I raised is that how is one going to get along when the other one passes.  The lady told me that some animals that are bonded like that will go on to pass without their companion and others will make it, it just kind of depends on the make up of the animal. 

I can also take them and if I have second thoughts or feel that I made the wrong move I could give them back, and the give back has no time limit on it, meaning that at any point I can exercise that option. However, the poor things have been bounced around and I would be their 3rd home.  3 is supposed to be a lucky number.  You know 3rd time is the charm.  That doesn’t always apply but as a rule of thumb it seems to be the case.  I am pretty adamant that if I give them a home it’s a forever thing and there is no going back to the shelter regardless of how I feel or what they do.  If I would get seriously ill that might be an option on the table but I am pretty serious about my commitments and don’t take them lightly. 

It’s scary to think about what I am actually agreeing to if I take them.  All of the food, the medical costs, litter, time as well as the emotional and physical bonds that would form.  It’s kind of like I am signing up to have my heart broken in the end again.  I honestly don’t ever want to bury another pet but expressing interest, visiting with them and then walking away doesn’t really seem fair to me or them.  I want no hurt feelings for anyone, especially the cats. 

This feels pretty right and the longer I have time to think about it the more that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It really sucks having to make a decision.  I struggle with ordering from a menu unless I know what I really want.  It’s paralysis and overwhelming.  Business decisions are slightly easier for me but I make choices all day long the last thing I want to do is come home and have to make a choice.  I am old, I am tired.  Regardless of what I decide I want to be fully comfortable with my decision and I want it to be the best possible thing for all involved. 

Time for a shave and shower, then some sleeping medicine and well back to Monday and the crazy emotional week that will follow.  I think that I am going to have quite the workout this week and not just because I am getting a massage.  I so look forward to that though the knots are killing me.  Once a year for a massage is far too long to wait, I need to go more often but massages are like anything else in this world, expensive and finding a good massage therapist isn’t easy.

Talk with you all again soon.  Take care and be well.   

Happy Thanksgiving

Good Morning and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is my favorite holiday primarily because it centers around food, which is something that I love.  It’s also the one time of year that I get Italian Sausage Dressing and it’s so good and it’s gone way too fast.  I have a Friendsgiving rather than a traditional Thanksgiving which is usually spent with family.  My family, other than my brother has all passed.  Me and my brother are polar opposites and don’t get along that well.  I’d like to talk with him more often but he’s got his wife and her family that smother him and have converted him into their cult behavior so he doesn’t think of me, which is fine. 

This is a holiday that centers around being thankful.  I am most thankful for my old little girl Gator and that she has made it 18 long years.  I pray that she keeps going for many more.  I’m also thankful that I have a decent job, a great ride and a house.  That I am financially making it.  I’m not rich but I’m not starving either.  There are many other things to be thankful for, one of which my grandfather used to remind me of which is my health.  He said if you have your health then you have plenty to be thankful for.  That is very true. 

I miss my family both my late spouse and my furry family that have all passed.  I wish they were healthy and here with me.  I know that I would be much happier.  However, I am thankful that I got to know them and care for them. 

If you stop and really think about it, no matter what your life is like you can find plenty of things and people to be thankful for.  I hope that you are able to enjoy this day with family and/or friends and have a meal and make some memories. 

Thanks for stopping by and for your readership.  May this be a great day for all of us to take time to reflect for all of the things we are thankful for. 

Working my way back

I got word yesterday morning that my medical leave has been extended and I am all set at the moment.  I’ve got a couple more weeks to continue to make progress before it’s time to go back to the grind.  When it gets here I won’t want to go back, sort of like when a Monday rolls around and one doesn’t want to go back to work.  However, I do think in a lot of ways it will be good for me to build a routine and I do plan on actually going into the office, even if only 1 or 2 days a week.

Gator has really been enjoying bossing me around and sleeping in my lap.  We have both had a good time together.  I have been telling her this fancy ride is all going to come to an end and life is going to go back to normal so enjoy it while you can.  I tell myself the same thing when I think of sleeping in or staying up late. 

Overall, I have continued to improve but still have the cough and some gastrointestinal issues.  My appetite hasn’t really picked back up but I think I have done a good job of forcing myself to eat.  Days like yesterday happen where all I want to do is sleep.  I try to watch TV but my body just shuts down with no warning and I am sleeping before I know it.  Hopefully, that goes away.  My memory in separating the days out or even figuring out what day of the week it is, is not the greatest but I am sure that will all return when I am back to work.  So long as I don’t miss trash day that is the most important day of the week, at least for now.  I’ve tried to keep Gator’s food shopping day set to Saturday and as for my grocery shopping I go when ever it is that I have to, it’s normally on Sunday but it is interesting to visit the store on different days and times of the week.

Yesterday I also got the supply of N95 masks that I ordered.  These things fit very tight on your face and it’s a night & day difference between an N95 mask and a Procedure Mask (the blue ones most commonly seen). I also finally got some replacement toothbrush heads so I am going to be swapping out my brush.  I like to do that once I feel I am well after getting sick.  It’s a mental thing but it does seem to help me.  

I ventured out today to the grocery store.  We have more winter weather coming and before I got trapped I figure might as well get the trip over with.  Were only supposed to get maybe 2 inches but a good portion of that will be all ice.  Heavy rain is coming first and then we go into the deep freeze.  ICE is one thing I hate to walk or drive on.  I will do it but only if it is a must.  I am sure I will get another early morning wake up call telling me the office is closed or opening late.  I have a lot of places I’d like to visit but haven’t yet.  Like Target for cat litter and there are a couple thing I could use from the home improvement store.  I’d also like to get to Sam’s to get a lot of soda for a little money and more ink for my printer.  I did pick up a frozen pizza while I was at the store and made that tonight for supper.  It was really good and there is only one piece left. 

I found a new restaurant that I want to eat at but it’s a considerable distance from the house. It will be a good trip to give me a different landscape to view and should also be a nice trip for the vehicle and my taste buds.  Not exactly sure when I am going to go but it’s on my list of things to do and eventually I will get there. 

Speaking of which no word from the dealer on my new modem and the manufacture has already taken away the remote features in advance of AT&T’s planned shutdown of their 3G network on the 22nd of February.  I really don’t want to spend the money for the new modem but I also don’t like that this messes with the resale value of my vehicle.  I do miss the remote features but I also remember life before technology came along.  This is kind of a catch 22 and I do think that the dealer has totally forgotten about me.

I am starting to get a little bored and restless but I keep reminding myself that I need to take it easy and just do this one day at a time.  If I rush it things won’t go well for me.  I do pray that I never get this sick again.  It’s really knocked me on my ass and made me feel quite helpless and scared.  At least I was able to recover at home and didn’t need to be away from Gator and she didn’t get it.  So there are plenty of things to be thankful for and the fact that I still have a job to go back to.  There are blessing all around, most of which we all take for granted. 

I suppose it’s time to publish this and venture back upstairs to see what Gator is up to.  I hope that your well and warm.  Talk with you all again soon.    

General Rambling

I have four more days (Monday thru Thursday) to get through and then my vacation starts. Unfortunately, I have to keep up with the stupid report that I run in the morning. It’s a two-person job so I will have a phone call with a colleague. We chat about everything and can easily talk for an hour or more about anything other than work. It’s kind of a challenge when one of us has the day off to try to stick to just the work stuff and then end the call.

While I am eager to start, I know that it will all be over in the blink of an eye and then it will be back to reality. When I go back on the 27^th I don’t expect it to be that busy. I am ramping up for people leaving at the end of the year and the promotions. Being hourly I really looked forward to this time because it was a good way to make some extra money. Now that I am salaried, I am just a work horse and don’t get any extra pay for my efforts. Going into the new year it will also mean that I will be physically back in the office (most likely) and I am thinking about making a trip over to clean off my desk, hang new calendars and in general get things in order so I have a smooth transition. Plus walk around a bit to see what has changed. We have a ton of new faces and that is always fun trying to figure out what name goes with what person.

Nothing much in general going on today. I got up early, had breakfast out and then hit up the grocery store. Came home, unloaded everything and passed out with Gator. My stupid phone kept chirping with either news alerts or I would get an email from work. I hate being on call because it seems like when you want to relax that is when the phone starts up. Sort of like trying to squeeze in a nap during the workday. It matters not that it’s your lunch the phone does its job in pestering me. If it’s not the phone then it’s Gator.

I had thought about going out last night for supper but my sugar dropped and I wound up staying home. I am thinking of going out tonight but I will probably wind up staying home again, kind of depends on my mood and the weather. Plus, if I really want to get dressed again.

The house cleaning portion of the day is done and I did the dishes on Friday night before the big storm hit. I was out of bowls between breakfast and the Spumoni I got I was constantly using a bowl. I filled up again so I suspect I will have a similar problem come this Friday.

I’ve got some menial tasks that I am putting off for taking care of while I am off but I probably won’t want to do them then either. Relaxing and watching TV with not a care in the world is just my favorite thing to do right now. Gator likes to curl up in my lap or close by and nod off. She can usually lull me into a slumber because it’s just so relaxing to hear her motor running and then to hear her snoring. Cats in general have always had the affect on me and when I had multiples it’s like they would gang up against me and we would all wind up having a sleeping competition.

Here’s hoping that it’s a good week ahead for all of us. Take care and be well.

Fifty Years ago on this day

September 2, 1971 a day that I will never forget. It was the day I was born and that was fifty years ago today. I was supposed to be adopted. A wealthy couple was in line to get me but my mother’s mom saw me and because I had red hair that changed everything! In the blink of an eye, I went from being brought up by a wealthy family to a middle-class family with average income. My mom’s father was so excited that I was being born that he backed into a telephone pole at the hospital when parking his car. That’s a story that I was reminded about over the years growing up. I’m glad that I was raised by family and got to meet other relatives over the years. I do wish that I wasn’t physically & mentally abused and I also wish that my father had the guts to stick around and marry my mom, so that I could have had a more normal childhood. My grandmother was my savior and she ensured that I had most of the things I wanted and was comfortable. While my grandparents would be older than dirt today I kind of wish they were around to see how I turned out, I know that they would be proud. They may not have been comfortable with my sexuality but absent that I don’t think they would have any complaints. They both did a great job raising me and my brother. I know they tried the same with their daughter (my mom) but she was a flower child and fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn’t their fault.

When I look back as to how the world was then compared to now it does seem that it was a much simpler time. There for sure was no internet or technology around, landlines & pay phones were your methods for voice communication. People focused more on their families versus today where everyone has to be on their cell phone while they eat and people don’t really have family dinner every night like they used to and there isn’t near the level of communication and closeness that existed “back in the day”. 

I think everyone sees a lot during their lifetime. Thus far I have been through countless deaths, been to probably two dozen weddings, ate at restaurants that are no longer in business today, worked a number of jobs, received exactly two speeding tickets and one verbal warning, been in seven accidents (two of which occurred when I was a child and wasn’t driving), spent a lot more money than I have managed to save and the list goes on. I have felt every emotion that one can possibly experience, made mistakes and learned from them as well as gained a lot of knowledge. I’ve made it out of some impossible situations and overcome obstacles that I never thought I would. In short, I’ve kind of amazed myself.

I always knew I was different from others from a very young age. First it was my hair color and I was teased about that for years. It wasn’t until I was in my teenage years that I started to love having red hair. Second was my ability to learn and the fact that I didn’t progress in grade school as all of the other kids did. I was labeled as “LD” or Learning Disabled. There were other kids exactly like me but it took some time before our paths would cross. Basically, I needed more individualized attention than any teacher afforded me. I was told that it was possible to grow out of it but when I started High School I was in a mix of regular and LD classes, that continued until I graduated High School. That caused me to despise education and is the reason why I never went on to college or any higher learning. I’ve pretty well snapped out of it by now. I found that if I am truly interested in something I can soak up knowledge like a sponge. That’s how I managed to get into Technology and gained all of my knowledge on my own by reading, watching TV and of course hands-on real-world experience. People refer to this as self-taught. While I am not a lucky person, in this area I managed to really clean up and put myself into an upward moving career that pays well. Third was my sexuality and that was the biggest obstacle to overcome as far as growing up is concerned. You have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. That didn’t click totally 100% for me until I was in my thirties. Coming out to people and provided it goes well does give you some confidence and builds towards that goal of loving yourself. However, if you have an experience that goes sideways or people reject you because of your sexuality that can and does do damage. That happened to me at a young age and again after the death of my spouse. It is true that you don’t know who your true friends really are until there is a crisis. When I was younger, I kept hearing people tell me that it gets better as you age with regards to being gay. There is truth to that and I think that society as a whole has evolved and made a lot of progress as for acceptance or for at the very least people not to care one way or the other regardless what your sexual orientation is.

Age is truly just a number but it a number that I think we all obsess with a bit too much and it is a reminder of your mortality. For all intense and purposes presuming that I live to be 100 half of my life is over, that is a bit scary to think about. Presuming that is the case my hope for the next 50 years is to laugh more, find love, make a lot of friends and to live in comfort. Sure, I’d say I want to be wealthy but unless I happen to win a lottery or some other type of prize like that or manage to marry into money chances are it won’t happen and that’s okay. Just as long as I have enough money in my name so that I can be comfortable, not necessarily wealthy but also not pinching pennies or wondering where or how to make my next dollar.

I was told when I was younger that I share a birthday [meaning the date September 2^nd] with a lot of famous people. I just did some internet research and indeed it’s true. The most notable to me are Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Connors, Mark Harmon, Terry Bradshaw and Christa McAuliffe. If your interested to find out additional people on this list, check out the link below  https://www.brainyquote.com/birthdays/september_2

I do wish that I had my family [my late spouse & the cats I have lost over the past seven years] here with me to help celebrate this birthday, that would mean so much to me. A birthday is much like a holiday to me where I hyper focus on the fact that I am alone and that of course inflames my depression.  I never thought I would be single, yet alone 50 and single. 

When I was much younger, I never thought I would see 30 or 40 and now I am looking at 50. My brother for some reason shared the same point of view about his 30’s and 40’s but I have no idea how he will feel when he turns 50. It would be nice to reconnect with him as well but only if it would mean that I wouldn’t get crapped on or hurt in some way. I don’t foresee that happening and today will likely pass without a word from him as has been the case for many of my birthdays in the past. It’s just as well and something that I have learned to live with.

While my birthday won’t be nearly as special as it could be I am at least glad and fortunate that I don’t have to spend it all alone. I am also very thankful that Ms. Gator is here and has made positive progress from where we were just a few short weeks ago. Having her here and doing so good is the greatest gift I could have. I think God did me a huge favor and only because I asked did it happen.

Here’s hoping that the best is yet to come! Thanks for coming along with me on my journey through life. Talk with you all again soon!

More good news

Last night I finally got a note from my doctor that says that I should stay working at home until the spread of the virus is at a minimal level.  That probably goes way beyond saying I will be here for the rest of the year, that could easily mean yet another year at home but it’s a wait & see situation.  This morning I reached out to my HR department and of course they have a process for this.  I’ve started the process but don’t yet have confirmation they are going to accommodate my request.  Hopefully, they will get their act together and we can push this through so I know before I go out for a week of vacation.  I did tell them that I was off next week so I can only hope they will move faster rather than at average speed. 

My Ms. Pac Man game arrived yesterday but unfortunately what was advertised on the web and what I got were two different things.  The one game that I was looking for besides Ms. Pac Man was not there.  Instead there were 3 other games I have never heard of.  While I am playing with the machine for a day or two I have already started the return process.  I found something that should have the other game but to compromise I have to have regular Pac Mac instead of Ms. Pac Man.  My late grandmother fell in love with Ms. Pac Man and ever since I learned that I preferred it over Pac Man but hey it’s essentially the same game but some different graphics.  The new machine should be here the day before my birthday so once again I a package to watch for and look forward to opening. 

Gator is still progressing right along but still waking me up at night.  She is finishing cans of food either in one sitting or takes multiple trips until she needs a new can.  This in and of it’s self is positive progress.  All systems are functioning normally and she is both eating & drinking.  I just hope this remains the case for the foreseeable future. 

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Need to get back to the fun that is work.  Hope all is well in your world.  Thanks for stopping by, your positive energy, prayers and thoughts.  Cheers!

Physically & Emotionally Spent

I made it to the grocery store around 2p and had just started my shopping adventure when my phone rang and it was the vets office.  They wanted to see us today and I was over the moon about that.  We agreed on a time and went in.  I went for answers and I left with answers and most importantly a cat that is still alive. 

I opted for the more expensive route on blood work and had it ran in house instead of sending it out.  I figured for sure that the blood work would tell the story.  Nope, everything is reasonable given her age.  Kidney disease has progressed a little bit but nothing to be concerned with.  Damn!

Next steps were to rule out cancer in the intestines, get a more definitive blood test for the thyroid and also look at what her stool says.  The ultra sound was mega expensive and I was able to have it done today.  I felt pretty certain that I was going to get bad news. We started with the ultra sound and were able to forego the additional lab work for now. 

She has IBD (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) or possibly Lymphoma.  The vet right now believes it’s IBD only because her lymph nodes were not massively swollen and that is something that is normally found with Lymphoma and is not present with Gator. 

IBD is treated with Prednisone, which is a steroid.  It will help shrink the inflammation in her bowels and will afford her body to absorb nutrition instead of just passing everything straight through.  The problem is that it will aggravate her kidneys and make her kidney disease worse.  So were fixing one problem but upsetting another one.  The hope is that she is better in 2 weeks. 

She got a steroid shot to help jump start the process, which was my idea.  She got fluids because she was dehydrated and she got some mild anesthetic to permit the vet to do the ultrasound.  The had to shave her abdomen and she looks horrible but there was no other way.   

Our appointment was at 3:30p and we didn’t get home until 7:30p.  The vet is less than one mile from my home.  It was freezing cold and both Gator & I were quite uncomfortable.  I also got hit with a very large bill but I knew that digging into this was going to be expensive, I just didn’t plan to spend as much as I did.  The upside to that is I have 6 months to pay it off at 0% interest.  I’ve got the money to pay cash but with an offer like that why part with the cash now, just pay a little bit each month until it’s close to the end and then pay it off so that I am not charged retroactive interest. 

I’m looking forward to getting to bed and hopefully finally being able to relax as I have been running on adrenaline all day.  I will still be woken up in the middle of the night for a while but the hope is that her appetite will decrease and that will mean less interruptions for me. 

Here’s hoping that it will be a good week ahead, I am on-call.  Right now I just want to collapse as I am spent both physically & emotionally.  For now I have some answers and I am not dealing with the unknown which was by far the worst part of this whole ordeal.  Were not out of the woods but if the vets diagnosis is spot on we are on the road to recovery and that is the road I want to be on!

Talk with you all again soon.  Cheers for now. 

One Year Ago Today

My life changed forever one year ago today.  It’s the one year anniversary of the death of my Momma (cat).  I can still vividly recall the looks she gave me while she was waiting to die.  She hung on so very long until it was just the two of us together for one last moment and then she let go.  Don’t get me wrong all of my pets that have passed have been painful but each one of them is special and as such I grieve their losses slightly different. 

It’s hard to fathom that it’s already been a year, given that in mere weeks it will be a year since I have been locked away working from home.  I feel like I have lost all concept of time and everyday is Blursday.  Meaning one day blurs to the next and I can’t tell if were on Sunday or Friday. 

My momma was a special woman and she never ever forgot that I was her savior.  I’ve never had a cat worship me and be so very thankful for rescuing them.  It was one kind gesture on my part but she remembered it every day there after.  She also had a place to raise her family, she knew that her 2 human companions would take care of her and her children.  I am fairly certain she wondered when her children would leave home and one day just gave up and realized they were all here to stay.  I think she had mixed feelings about that, but I am glad that it worked out that way.  I am so very proud of her and all of her children.  They are and were wonderful cats. 

If you would have asked me years ago before everyone and everything started dying, how my life would have played out I couldn’t have imagined how rich it would be with memories.  I also wouldn’t be able to tell you how broken my heart would be or the state of utter depression that I am in.  Nor how truly lonely I am.  Granted the pandemic has some affect on my overall state of mind, but I wouldn’t wish the negative that has made up the majority of my life on anyone.  I am fully aware that things can always be worse and for someone out there they probably are, compared to my situation. 

As I sit here and type this I can’t also help but think about how very difficult it will be the day I have to part ways with Momma’s last child.  She (Gator) was the third born and the one who has hung on the longest.  She is aging but I don’t think she will be checking out for a while and that is exactly what I need.  We (her and I) are each others world and we depend so much on the other.  She needs much more from me that I do from her but she knows her part and she helps more than she knows.  She also drives me more crazy than she knows.  I love to watch her sleep.  She gets into some very cute positions and it’s just down right funny to see her bury her face in her bed to block out the light.  There is no doubt that she misses her family as much as I do.

One thing is certain, I know Momma is, was and forever will be proud of me.  I did right by her and her family.  Still that doesn’t ease the pain I still feel to this day.  I am used to the fact that she isn’t around.  I am at peace that she is no longer suffering and that I no longer have to worry about her passing or when to make “the call”.  I still wish that she was here to comfort me and see the progress that I have made.

Just like she never forgot that I was her savior, I too will never forget her and while she may not roam the earth, she is forever alive in my heart as long as it continues to beat.  I am so very glad and grateful that our paths crossed.  It was a huge risk for me to bring her in to our home and I never ever thought I would be allowed to keep her, but the reward was in getting to see her grow and raise her family.  She had a great life with us and it would be one that I would wish for if I was a cat.  Each of my cats has taught me something.  The lesson from Momma was take a chance, you never know how it will turn out.  She had lots of houses to try to get food from for her and her kids when she was carrying them, but she chose us.  We fed her, we watched for her and ultimately one day we made her ours.  If our paths had never crossed just think each of us would have truly missed out on something special.     

Rest In Peace Momma, I miss you and will continue to honor my promise to you.  I hope that we are reunited again some day.

Loosing my religion

 It’s a great song by REM and I figured it was appropriate for this post.  I wanted to talk about Religion & God.  It seems to be a hot topic and just like politics, you’re not supposed to talk about it because it can cause tempers to flair.  What works for one person doesn’t work for another and as the saying goes different strokes for different folks.  The purpose of this post is just to inform you of my beliefs, I am not looking to start a war or to anger anyone.  Life is too short for that. 

I was raised Roman Catholic and went to Catholic grade school up until the 5^th grade (mid semester).  The school had some lay teachers but mostly I was educated by Nuns.  In second grade I thought I wanted to become a priest.  Everyone made fun of me for that.  My grandfather thought it was a great idea.  That would be one of the few times we would see eye to eye. 

Our parish priest was run out of town because a good portion of the parishioners thought he was gay.  Turns out years later I found out that he was in fact gay.  This was covered up with the excuse that he became an alcoholic and he was reassigned.  We got a new priest and it was odd to adjust to, but he was a decent guy. 

The gay priest that was run out of town still owned a home that he purchased so he was frequently back in the area.  As I got older, he made a request for me to come and do some yard work for him.  He was a slave driver and if you told him you were done, he inspected and then you found out you weren’t done.  He paid very cheaply as well.  He had rented out the house to a guy who he called a friend.  The guy was gay and I didn’t have much interaction with him.  I know your probably thinking this is where I am going to tell you that I was molested or sexually abused.  Nope, nothing ever happened.  Never mind that we were both gay, I had yet to discover my sexuality.  I did keep in touch with the priest but stopped working for him, manual labor just wasn’t my thing.

I went through the motions or ritual of the Catholic Church.  However, as I was growing up both me and my younger brother went to a Baptist Church for day care, which eventually turned into after school care.  Vacation Bible School was part of the program there and all of the kids had to go.  They took us to church and had their alter call.  I don’t know if I felt guilt or was just enamored by the whole ordeal but I answered an alter call and said that I wanted a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  My grandmother came unhinged and shut that down quickly.  I was Catholic and that’s all there was to it.  It was a simple misunderstanding.  I felt that the Protestants had more entertainment and less church than the Catholics.  It was more enjoyable and I had more of a good time than anything. 

Fast forward to around the age of 18 when I had just completed High School.  I met my spouse and he was Assembly of God.  That’s Pentecostal which was nothing even remotely close to Catholic.  I went to church with him a couple times and then decided that I wanted to convert.  My grandparents were heart broken by my decision.  However, I was an adult [under the law] and old enough to make my own decisions.  It was not as if the door to the Catholic Church was shut on me, I was always welcome back. 

My grandmother developed a Brain Tumor which altered her personality and decision making.  We all saw it but none of us could pin-point what was wrong with her.  I got her a doctor’s appointment and when she came home, she told me that she had a cyst and needed to take baths but that she was otherwise okay.  We gave it a few days but clearly, she still wasn’t herself and things were getting worse and not better.  I called the doctor and got another appointment for her.  He ordered a cat scan and she came home mad as a wet hen at me.  She was at the point where she was through with me.  That simply meant what it implies, she wanted nothing more to do with me, she wouldn’t speak to me unless it was absolutely necessary.  Once you got her to that stage there was no coming back, she stuck to her guns.  In any case we got the results back and found out that she had a Brain Tumor.  She was admitted to the hospital and then we found out that it was cancerous and that it spread to her lungs.  She was a life long smoker so it was understandable.  However, she was in her early 60’s, still very young. 

I stuck to my faith in God, I prayed for her and had prayer going for her at church.  She made some progress and was able to come home.  Then we all started fighting over her and she got worse.  We had to put her back in the hospital and they induced her into a coma.  It was pretty bad because she started calling for her dead sister [a sister who passed when I was very young and didn’t get to meet]. 

I was with my spouse at his original home and we were praying.  He got a call from God that told him to get me to the hospital as quickly as possible.  Him and God well they had a direct line to each other.  There was only one problem we were in late December; it was late and there was a massive snow storm.  Still he drove us [he knew how to drive a car well] and we raced there.  The entire way he told me to pray.  Keep in mind that my grandmother was in a coma and hadn’t spoken for days.  She was on a feeding tube.  We arrived at the hospital and magically she was awake, alert and oriented.  She couldn’t talk that well but we did have a conversation.  Things went very well and I didn’t want to leave despite it being well after visiting hours.  I had to be pried away from her.  I was so excited to see some progress and I was quick to tell the rest of the family that I thought she was getting better.  The next evening, she died.  I was the last person she spoke to. 

I viewed her being awake and able to carry on a conversation with her as a miracle because she wasn’t supposed to be talking with me.  For God to take her from me was a huge disappointment but I remain thankful to this very day that I was able to talk with her one last time, even though I didn’t know it would be our last conversation.  We parted on good terms, she was no longer angry at me and was truly herself and not in an altered personality.  That warmed my heart. 

I went on to become a member of my spouse’s church.  Things were going well and then politics entered as they do in most churches.  I didn’t see them as a Catholic but they were there.  At any rate the church split.  I was with the ½ of the church that was for our pastor who was a good guy and had done nothing wrong.  We went on to form a smaller congregation and eventually we [me and my spouse] elected to stop going.  It was more of a chore.  We had to go further away, meet late on Sunday afternoon and it was honestly more of a hassle than anything. 

We both still prayed but our connections with God or at least mine became distant.  I saw him work before.  I saw him work again when my spouse had a bad accident and shouldn’t have walked away but did.  Then I saw my spouse suffer his first stroke, he was told he would never walk again and would have problems speaking.  He went on to regain his speech and mobility.  There are other events that I am sure God played a part in but I lost touch. 

My spouse passed away shortly after Easter but prior to that he became interested in some series that I can only remember as The Christ but according to Google there isn’t anything like that at least that’s my findings from the cursory search I did.  Anyway, we had a talk about 2 days before his second stroke hit.  He told me that I needed to strengthen my faith and not waffle, God is there and he is real.  All I have to do is believe and have faith.  He said something like I told God to take me and I told him that I wished he wouldn’t have said that.  He asked me why and I told him because your going to die.  He was having some further mobility problems and some of the affects from the first stroke were starting to reoccur like having balance issues.  Little did I know that it was because he stopped taking his medicine. 

I’m glad that I didn’t become a priest because if I did chances are, I would have been caught up in the sexual scandal that rocked the Catholic Church.  Sexual abuse has been going on long before this scandal came to light.  I never did understand why one had to be celibate and couldn’t get married.  I think that caused a lot of the trouble.  I mean were all only human and humans have desires.  One can only repress or ignore their sexual feelings for so long before they eventually wind up giving in. 

As you probably guessed my belief in God has wavered.  I listen to people like the Late George Carlin who refers to God as an invisible man in the sky.  He always needs money but you can’t see him.  If your interested just give it a Google I am sure you could hear the whole routine. 

I also refer to a time when I was sick, still living in my childhood home after my grandmother had passed.  I got up out of bed because I needed to use the restroom.  I remember walking from my room to the bathroom entrance and closing the door behind me.  After that things got foggy.  I got this horrible pain in my stomach and can remember bending over.  When I woke up about a ½ hour later I found myself across the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my head.  Just before I woke up, I remember seeing a bright light.  It was the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life and then presto fully awake and confused.  I got up and figured out that I had passed out and hit my head on the sink, I needed stiches.  I went from fully awake to no memory, no existents at all.  I remember being winded from the pain and who knows if I actually stopped breathing for a moment but I suspect I did.  My point here is that I didn’t see God, I didn’t see my dead Grandmother – I simply stopped existing for a few moments. 

When I get into a jam I still pray as I am sure many people do.  I became an Ordained Minister, by the power vested in the internet and parting with some cash, I can officially marry, bury and preform other ceremonies.  It’s something that I always wanted to do.  To date I have yet to use it.  I thought it would be neat to have the clergy sticker and park in the clergy spot at the hospital when I go for my blood draws as it’s better parking but again I have yet to do it. 

Today I still waiver if there is a God and if there isn’t.  What if when we die the lights just get turned off and we leave our shell of a body.  There truly isn’t a heaven or hell.  What exactly is a soul?  Why can’t I see God?  Sure, I have felt his work but what if that wasn’t his work but rather a stroke of good luck?  It’s all very confusing.  Someone once said to me when I started to talk about God, how can you say there is a God when babies die?  Yeah, I can’t answer that.  I mean were all essentially born to die when you think about it.  Why have some of the bad things like the death of my spouse, the difficult time I had afterwards and the criminal event I described in a past post occur?  If there was a God surely, he would only want the best for me.  He wouldn’t want me to suffer.  Why did he take my family from me?  It’s all a twist. 

It’s odd that you can take a “bad person” who is a criminal and lock them up.  They will soon find Jesus or God.  Most everyone in Prison talks about a higher power in some form or fashion.  The same is true if you get into a recovery group like for alcohol or drugs, it’s actually part of the 12-step program. 

I have a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of confusion.  I don’t know if I will ever sort it out before it’s too late.  All I can tell you for sure is that if there is a Heaven and I will be reunited with all of my family, then that’s where I want to be when I die. 

The 411 on Marv

Happy to report that Marv’s appetite appears to have returned.  He is eating dry and wet food.  In fact when it was time for our appointment this morning, he buried his face in a dish of treats and was crunching away as if to say “sorry I’m busy, could you reschedule?”  Silly boy, of course not!

His teeth are in great shape, which is one of few things he has that are in great shape.  No ulcers, broken teeth and low to little tartar.  That’s the dry food working it’s magic.  His breath is still horrible.  He has lost a significant amount of weight.  He was last at the vet a year ago and weighed in at 12 pounds.  Today he is down to 7 pounds.  I’m not happy about that but old age and a thyroid problem can lead to that on top of his IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). 

He doesn’t have a heart Murmur and his heart and lungs are in great working order, as evidence of his howling.  He was rather chatty at the vet.  The pain pill I gave him did help him relax but he still did his howling over night so once again I didn’t get a good nights rest. 

We did blood work to check on his Thyroid plus all of his metabolic levels, there could be something at play.  I felt it was money well spent despite the fact it is pricey.  The results hopefully should be back tomorrow.  For now he is on Vitamin B12 that will help with appetite as well as cognitive function.  Apparently if an animal or person gets low in B12 it will make you act strange. 

Bottom line is we don’t know what is going on.  This could be simple depression and the fact that there has been a change in the household.  While I don’t feel he and his mother were close, only Marvin truly knows how he felt for his mother.  I mean it’s his mother and I am sure he had love for her even thought they didn’t interact much/well once he was an adult.  This could also be geriatrics and his thyroid.  Most of the symptoms he has do correlate to a Thyroid problem and while I was giving him a weekend pass on his medicine, that is not something I think I will be doing going forward. 

The B12 is injectable and he got his first dose today.  I will give him one for the next 3 weeks.  It’s water soluble meaning what his body doesn’t absorb he will pee out.  So there is no risk involved.  I can continue to give him a pain pill at night to help minimize the vocalization and we will develop a new plan based on the blood work results. 

I am working from home and have been upstairs a few times.  He has started howling again but it’s for a short period of time and then he stops.  Gator also does the same thing.  As if it’s not bad enough for problems with Marvin, Gator now is limping.  I hope her foot is asleep and that she didn’t cause an injury, I don’t want to go back to the vet at all.  I’ve spent way too much time there and my wallet and I both need a big time break.  Speaking of cost, I made it just over the threshold and was able to finance todays visit for 6 months with no interest.  I can afford to pay cash but why, when I can hang on to my money, earn interest and pay this off at the same time.  I will have this and momma’s final bill paid for in a couple months, provided there are no other unforeseen circumstances.  Everything for sure will be paid with in the 6 month time frame because interest is something I earn and not something I pay. 

Wow my emotions are all over the place.  I was depressed and anxious this morning.  This afternoon I was relived and tired.  I have had problems talking today and mixing up my words as well as forming some thoughts.  All of which is a sign that as I say I am exhausted.  I need rest, relaxation and lots of it.  Some good sex would probably help but I don’t think that will be happening. 

Here’s hoping that my troubles are at rest for a while and that I can recuperate quickly.  I’m working from home tomorrow only because I don’t want to leave him alone.  I did have the TV on this morning and that seemed to help calm him, so I will probably do that when I go back to the office on Monday.  I mean it can’t hurt anything and U-verse will power the box off after 4 hours so I will come home to a screen saver, which is perfectly okay by me.  So long as he doesn’t start his howling after the TV goes off. 

Thanks for checking in.  I look forward to hopefully a quiet and relaxing evening, with Marv & Gator by myside. 

The End|Goodbye Momma

I regret to inform you that Momma passed away on Monday morning. Sunday night wasn’t the greatest for her and I told her that Monday we would be parting ways, I just felt it. I gave her a pain pill because she had such a lousy day and I didn’t want her to be in any pain, if there was in fact pain present. If not, I knew it would at least make her drowsy so maybe she could get some sleep.

I normally wake up a little after 6a when I am working. I woke up at 5a on Monday and tried to go back to sleep. My phone made an odd noise like it just started charging. That did it for me, I knew I had to get up. I turned on the light and looked down at the foot of my bed. There she was. I checked her and she looked like she had passed. Then I thought I saw her chest rising but it was faint. I cried for a moment. Then summoned the other two to the kitchen for breakfast. Oddly enough I had picked out Tuna and Salmon which were 2 of Momma’s favorite flavors. I always pick the food out the night before and made those choices on purpose, because she has been on my mind constantly.

I returned to my room to check on Momma again and she was in fact still alive, but just barely. I got dressed and grabbed a pee pad and scooped her up. She was pretty much unresponsive until I opened the door to the garage and the cold air rushed in. That woke her up and she looked at me as if to say, hey I’m dying here and I was in a nice comfy place in a warm house. Seriously, do we have to go outside now? I talked to her and told her I knew it was cold but told her that it would be short lived.

This was the first and only time that I traveled without my seatbelt on. The vet is just a short jaunt away from the house and in cases like this I am glad. I rang the bell and someone came and let us in. I got more bad news. They only have 1 vet on overnight and she just went into emergency surgery. They had no idea how long it would be. That didn’t please me at all but I get it.

So, the technician brought in some baby food to see if Momma would eat but she didn’t want anything to do with baby food. She did sniff it but that was it. She was very weak and started to get used to the warmth of the room. We were left alone for a bit. Then the tech came back with a buddy and they shaved mommas’ front paw. They tried to start an IV and her vein blew because she barley had a blood pressure. Thankfully when that little event was over with, I was informed that the vet just got out of surgery.

Turns out it was the same vet that gave me bad news about Ruth. She remembered me as I did her. We talked about a couple of alternative options. I think I made the wrong choice now but at the time it seems like the best method. It was only supposed to take 5 to 10 minutes for her to pass but she hung on for a half hour. They gave her enough medicine to put down a 30-pound dog and she was a 5-pound cat. I kept thinking she was gone but the vet would listen and say nope, she is still here. Eventually it had been long enough that the vet needed to step out to get some additional medicine. She forewarned me that once she stepped out that Momma would probably sense it and then she would let go because it would just be the two of us in the room. Sure, enough she was right on the money and when the vet returned Momma was gone.

I’ve purposely put off posting this because it forces me to relive the experience and it was less than pleasant. I wish I would have spent more time with her body but I had to get out of that damn room. They wanted to mail me an invoice but I said nope let’s settle up now. Since we used a less than traditional method it was supposed to cost less but that isn’t the way it worked out. I wound up paying the same and hey that’s fine. The job is done and Mommas at peace and I no longer have to worry so I was more than happy to settle up. Her remains I was told would be returned to me in 1 to 2 weeks. I got the call they were ready on my drive home. I stopped by and picked them up. Based on the date information that the vet had on file Momma lived to be 17 years old. That is a pretty good age for an indoor cat, especially one with a Thyroid problem. It helped to cheer me up a little bit but I still miss her.

I am very worried about Marv & Gator. They both have known long before that I did that Momma was sick and that she wasn’t going to make it. We are all adjusting to a new normal. They look for her and have a general confusion about them. This morning Marv was using the litter box and I had to look at him 3 times to make sure that it was him. It looked so much like Momma. If you really look hard you can see her features in each of her children. Still can’t figure out how he had a 45 pound all black boy but we surmise that she mated with a Mountain Lion.

Momma gave me 4 kids and we had 16 years together. She never forgot the kind act I did for her in bringing her in when she was pregnant and giving her a home, as well as taking care of her kids. I have a lot of fond memories, photos, and videos. However, those pail in comparison to having her to hold in my arms. I am glad that I was there for her over the last 3 weeks and especially at the end. I know that gave her comfort and helped calm her down. Today is the first Friday that I am not worried about her and wondering if it’s going to be a good or bad night. It is strange to have free time on my hands and only 1 cat to medicate. I am trying to spend as much time as I can with Marv & Gator.

On Monday I spent a little time at home, obviously I took the day off from work. Went to breakfast with a friend. Got my hair cut and had dinner with another friend. I really needed to take a 2^nd day but I forced myself to forge forward because you have to go back sometime. It was tough but I did it. I am not quite over Momma’s passing; it’s hitting me harder than I thought it would. I mean it’s been several days and it’s still emotional. With all of the others it was a day or two and most of the grief was gone. Momma was such an integral part of my life and we were so close that it’s going to take longer. She was extra special to me and 16 years is a very long time.

I pray that Momma has been reunited with Ruth, Bear, #1 son and my spouse. I can’t tell you how much and how many times I have cried. I am so thankful that I didn’t make a rush decision when we got our diagnosis 3 short weeks ago or I wouldn’t have had the extra time to spend with her. I think saying goodbye to her multiple times, praying and sobbing was good for me. I like that she fought and I was successful in getting her appetite back if only for a short time with the aid of baby food. That fact makes me proud of both myself and her. There is no question in my mind that she hung on for me, that was my momma, she had so much love to give. I am also happy that we got to take one last walk in the sun. Something about cats and sunshine, they can’t get enough of it. I will forever miss Momma.

Thank you for stopping by, your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They are truly appreciated.