1 Year Ago–Today-

Today is the one year mark when I said goodbye to my partner.  Surprisingly I am kind of numb today.  Most of my emotions center around getting a phone call about a job.  I am hoping to make something positive come out of what has been an all negative experience. 

Setting aside my emotions of today and thinking about a year ago.  Well it was a hard decision to remove life support.  It’s great to be trusted to have that privilege but it’s something that you never hope you will have to act upon.  I could have been a selfish person and kept him around for me, but honestly I only think that would have made things worse for both of us.  I know that if I would have done that, he would have been very mad at me. 

He was like a prophet – he said that he didn’t want a colostomy and he wound up with one.  He said that he didn’t want to be trapped in a body that didn’t function and had he survived the last stroke he would have been in that condition.  He had mobility issues as it was from the first stroke and from growing old.

Despite his health issues and what a pain the in ass he could be at times.  I still miss him.  I miss hearing his voice, the noise and racket he used to make.  I really miss his cooking, something that even he probably didn’t fathom that I would miss.  There is also the many phone calls throughout the day, especially the lunch time phone call where we would plot about what was for dinner.  It’s those little things that were a BIG part of my life.

I still love him despite the fact he is gone.  I know that he didn’t leave me willingly and that he loved me – only because he told me every single day.  It got kind of mushy and I turned a deaf ear to it but we both said the words each day.  Within the last couple months he was here on earth it started to mean something to me again.  I guess that was a wake up call from God. 

Looking back over the past year – I have managed to sue and settle with a large union to collect a death benefit.  I have managed to make his medical bills vaporize.  I am still making the bankruptcy payments and well we all know about the mortgage fiasco.  I have also unplugged and turned off a lot of unnecessary items here at home and the energy bill keeps on dropping.  While I’m only hitting the highlights there were many more things that happened within the past year.  All in all I think I have done well, given the circumstances. 

My hope for the coming year is that I do get a different and better job that pays more.  A place where I can be happy and grow.  That I can tame the mortgage monster and get the house in my name.  That I can get his bankruptcy closed out and that I am in better shape next year. 

This afternoon I am gathering with some friends to remember him and to share a meal, as well as some time together.  I will never forget him, even if I meet someone else.  My fear is that I will compare that person to him.  However, this is all unchartered territory for me so who knows what will happen.

I know that I have been through some major crap and I feel that life owes me a break.  There has been far too much bad and negativity, it’s time to turn this around and get happy!

Before I go – Big Boy checked out okay at the vet.  They drew some blood because they are afraid he might be diabetic, should know in a couple days.  I am still not ready to let go.  The vet is surprised he is alive and doing well.  She called him the miracle cat.  That he is. 

My blood work came back and I saw it on-line wow, blood sugar and cholesterol are both way out of control.  I know my doctor won’t be too happy with me but at the same time I think he will understand my circumstances.  After all he is the one who said that I am still in mourning. 

Remembering my partner – a great man who touched man lives.  May he rest in peace. 

10 Long Months

I managed to sleep in a little bit today.  TAZ woke me up the 2nd time.  It was 10AM and I wasn’t pleased but I got up.  It’s no their fault but I usually like to get to the store early, so much for that. 

I fed them and put on my clothes from Friday – been wearing them all weekend since I didn’t go out much.  Besides that no one knows, unless I would stumble into a co-worker and there is slim to no chance that is going to happen.

So my breakfast was 2 chocolate donuts and a glass of milk.  Not exactly healthy for anyone let alone a diabetic like myself.  Still I forged on to the store and got a decent parking space. 

As I entered the store I heard the cake by the slice calling my name.  I looked over and saw Lemon and Red Velvet and then I just moved on to the Bananas.  Sorry cake but I’m over you my obsession now is with Ice Cream.

I didn’t need much and only spent $54 which was comforting, since every other trip has been $100.  I paid cash which was also nice so no burden of a bill coming in the mail.  I stopped and filled up the car and then headed for home. 

Unpacked quickly and was downstairs working with the laundry in record time.  I did my business on the computer and then it was time for lunch.  I had a Italian Sub Sandwich which was really good.  I thought about adding a bowl of soup but that would have been too much.  So I downed that and had a cookie for desert.  Of course the children had to eat again.

Then it was my mission to get the trash taken care of, laundry put away and presto it’s shower time.  I’ve got something going on with the back of my neck.  It itches from time to time and is rather annoying.  That is how one of my severe allergic reactions started out so I am kind of on edge about it.  No hives yet, so I guess all is well. 

Got showered and shaved then put on some lounging clothes and plopped on the couch.  I’ve been trying to get Looking to play, they air the Sunday episode on Saturdays so I figured it would be on-demand but no such luck. 

I did find Don’t Trust Andrew Mayne on A&E – he is seriously good.  I could use him to get revenge on a few people but it’s just easier to move on.  Still the show is very entertaining.  If you like David Blaine then you will love Andrew Mayne.  Check it out!

I managed to take a nap, imagine that.  An hour and I was out cold.  Then I fed the children and prepared my supper which was, Frozen Pizza.  It wasn’t as good as normal but I did enjoy it.  I’ve got a second load of dishes going and everything is in place for tomorrow.  All I have to do is put out some cat food and sleeping pills then my day will be done. 

When I woke up I couldn’t help but realize I was all alone.  You would think that after ten months it would sync in, but I am so not used to this.  It’s difficult when reality slaps me up side the head.  I slept in his bed this morning, well more like tossed and turned.  It’s just a way that I feel closer to him.  Ever since that lady at Christmas told me that he was working through Blu to knock things over and cause mischief, I haven’t looked at Blu the same way.  We have formed a bond and looking into his eyes I see a sweet cat that got a raw deal early in life.  I can see a little bit of #1 son in him. 

I have such a mound of crap here – tools, toolboxes, trinkets, electronics and I just don’t know how I am going to get rid of it all.  I could use the cash and this stuff isn’t doing me much good.  There are things that I want to keep but the majority of it can go and bring me some money.  I am sure I will figure it out soon enough. 

Hard to believe so many months have passed and the battles I have fought since he died.  I just wish he were here and in good health.  Then I would only have to worry about finding a new job and I think life would be a lot less stressful.  However, my wishes won’t come true.  Nothing I do or say will bring him back.  That is the hardest part of death, knowing that they are gone forever.

We didn’t take too many photos together.  Going through my iPhone I discovered a shot that I took of us.  I remember afterwards he asked me why I did that.  I said because I love you and in looking at my face you can see the happiness just beaming off.  He wasn’t exactly happy but he wasn’t angry.  He just didn’t understand why I did it.  It’s one of those little things that means so much to me today.  Hind sight is always 20/20.

I hear his voice, I feel him and I miss him.  If you remember a few weeks back I was headed out and listened to a Billy Joel song, it brought tears to my eyes.  Here it is. Listen to the lyrics very close  – I know he wrote this song for his daughter to explain what happens when you die.  However, so many of the words ring true and sound like they are coming from my partner. 

He does live on in my heart and his memory will never die so long as I am alive.  The pain, the tears, the hurt, the void will some day cease to exist but that will only happen when I take my last breath.

I’ve proven that I can stand on my own two feet.  I have proven that I don’t need anyone to take care of me.  I have managed to make the best of a bad situation.  I just can’t get over the loss.  So many memories – both of joy and regret.  I want to talk to him so bad and hear his voice – to carry on a conversation.

His loss is eating me alive from the inside out.  It’s very slow, very painful but I feel it happening.

As if that isn’t bad enough, we have yet another Monday to look forward to.  I think everything will be all right and that the good times are coming.  They are just on the slow ride to arrive.  Well sunshine and good times I am waiting and I hope the hell you hurry your ass up and get here soon. 

Thanks for coming alone on another ride on the sad train.  I will try to resume normal programing soon.  Appreciate those that are in your life today because tomorrow they may be gone – you might not get to say goodbye, there might not be time to apologize or ask for forgiveness.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. 

Talk with you peeps later.

Anniversary

Today would have been our one year mark.  Just another day now.  I am very lonely.  Sadness, Depression and Grief come with that.  If I could help resolve that problem I think several of my other issues would disappear.  The lady I was talking with on Christmas told me not to date on-line instead do volunteer work.  She suggested Big Brother/Big Sister.  Tell them that I specialize in dealing with sexuality, if they have someone who is questioning that I could maybe help them.  Yeah, that’s all I need is to get a little brother and have the bastard accuse me of rape or fondling him, sorry I won’t be volunteering.  Besides that most (not all) straight people think that gay men are pedophiles.  It just smells like more trouble and I certainly don’t need that right now. 

I gave in to my desire and went to Bob Evans to have Chili.  It was good.  Then the waitress told me about Chocolate Bread Pudding turns out they don’t have it yet.  Ah, I wasn’t too happy.  Had a burger with my Chili and it was an okay meal for lunch. 

I went to get cat food afterwards and then had to decide if I wanted to go see a movie or go home.  I went for the movie but I talked myself out of it.  I was thinking of my car and really didn’t want to go right then.  I may go tomorrow or just wait for the streaming version. 

I saw previews for The Wolf on Wall Street and that sounds really good.  I may just opt to see it tomorrow, it’s playing close by.  The Madea movie would require me to travel a little bit.  Not so sure that it’s worth the trip, but I did tell myself that I would see it so who knows might do both.

Prior to hitting up Bob Evans I stopped at the post office.  All I have been getting for the past few days is junk mail.  Makes me want to stop going.  Argh!  There was a guy next to me having problems getting his car started.  I saw the HRC sticker on his bumper and figured he is probably gay.  His car would turn over just wouldn’t start.  Sounds like trouble.  He had a cell phone and was calling someone, you could tell he wasn’t too happy.  It would have been a great way to make an introduction, but I opted to let him figure it out.  I went back by the post office on my way to get the cat food and his car was still there.  I feel for him, car problems suck!

Speaking of which I got a call from the body shop today and they can’t fit me in until the 13th of Jan.  It’s like 2 weeks away.  They have to order the bumper which will take about a week to get in – I don’t believe that but that is what they are saying.  Then it will take them a couple days to paint the new bumper and finally install it.  I drop the car off on Monday and will be picking it up Wednesday or Thursday.  Now I have to ask for more time off, I’ve got it but didn’t plan on using it like this.  My thoughts are to ask about coming in late on Monday and telling my boss that I will need to leave at 2 or 3 in the afternoon to go get it.  He won’t like it but at least I will be at work and minimizing the time off. 

I did call AT&T about my home phone and wound up taking off a wire insurance policy that I was paying $8.99 for a month.  I didn’t even know it.  So there is a savings right there.  I stopped by the Cellular store and they tried to sell me a home security system.  There was a couple dollars I could save by modifying my plan but I would be giving up unlimited data and there would be no way to ever get that back again.  I didn’t see that it was worth it.  I did add an extra service months ago to block certain numbers from calling me, I removed that and will be saving $3.99 per month so that will help.  Just did the math a little bit ago to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming, the numbers work out.  I should have $200 per month that I am saving.  If that is the case that money will go to savings and that way if I need it, I can fall back on it.  My thought is to just deduct it at $100 per check and that way it is in savings out of sight but not out of mind. 

I called about my car payoff and it’s actually a couple hundred dollars more expensive than what I planned for.  It makes sense to pay it off since the loan is at 5.14% and I am not getting that kind of interest on my savings.  However, if I spend all of that money now and an emergency comes in to play I would be screwed.  So I am going to take the chickens way out and keep making the monthly payments.  At least for the time being  If my circumstances change well then I can always explore paying it off early.  I’d really like to trade in both vehicles for 1 brand new one.  Interest rates are back to 0% and that is really hard to pass up but I would be committing myself for another 4 or 5 years and right now that doesn’t seem like the smart thing to do.  My car is still young, low mileage and I have an extended bumper to bumper warranty.  Might as well keep what I have and call it a day. 

I have watched a fair amount of TV and Movies today.  One of which was all about Bipolar Disorder and people who suffer from it.  It was interesting, but kind of a time waster for me.  I was feeling low and that is why I decided to watch it.  Thinking maybe I would see someone worse off than me and that would cheer me up.  Kind of sick but well I did see those people and it didn’t cheer me up. 

This is the first Christmas and in 4 more months it will be a year.  The first year has been rocky so far.  I hope and pray that the second year gets better for me.  2014 just has to be better.  It doesn’t mean that I will stop missing him or forget about him but since it’s time we are talking about it should help somewhat to heal the wound.  My heart is still very much broken and I am still very much grieving my loss.  Each new added problem that life throws at me makes me wonder if this will be the breaking point.  I honestly want to quit my job, but I know I can’t.  I also want to kill myself because it hurts so much and I am so tired but no amount of rest seems to help me recover from the loss.  I am mad at myself for not seeing the signs and trying to stop this (but that is hindsight).  I am mad at him for not taking his medicine like he should have or at least letting me help him so that this wouldn’t have happened.  However, deep down I know that if this was his time and if he was doing everything right he still would have died it’s just the cause and means would have been different.  I keep telling people that the cats are my motivation.  I am pretty sure they can survive without me, provided they make it to a good shelter or a good home.  The problem is no one really checks on me I would be laying dead here for what could easily be up to a month.  Work would freak but I can’t say that they would have enough sense to call the police or my emergency contact.  If they did then it would only be a matter of days that I would lay here. 

I think of what type of scar that would leave on whomever found me.  I think of what it would do to my mother and brother.  The problem is I don’t have enough friends.  I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I hear that it gets better but thus far it isn’t getting better for me.  It’s not just the battle with the mortgage company and the bankruptcy it’s the loss it’s self and the pain that goes with it.  The people in big business who don’t give a damn but will tell you that they are sorry for your loss.  They may be sorry but their actions and in actions speak louder.  I realize they all have jobs and need to keep them.  However, when some one dies the rules should be broken – death should wipe the slate clean and everything be forgiven. 

I keep thinking maybe I should start picking and playing the lottery on a regular basis that I could surely win.  Yeah if I was the only person in the world playing that would probably be true but there are tons of people I am competing against and the odds are better that I will get struck by lighting or run over by a car when I cross the street than winning the lottery.  However, people have done it before.  I hate to say this but I feel like I am owed.  I know in reality I am not owed anything.

The only thing that would be solved if I died would be that my partners son, the bankruptcy court and the mortgage company would all duke it out and get it settled.  This place would be sold.  Outside of my car I am not in any serous debt and my savings today would pay for my funeral as well as all of my bills. 

Yeah I’ve really thought this out and have been wanting to write about it for a while but suppressed it.  The longer you hold things in the more they fester and grow.  Let it out so that is what I am doing, letting it out.  It’s all just words…right now I am still waiting, hoping and praying that things get better.  Don’t worry about me taking my life, for the moment it’s NOT going to happen I have too much of a vested interest to see how things are going to work out. 

Shifting gears.  Last night I found a porn movie that I have been waiting to see.  It’s called Dad Gets In To Trouble.  It stars Devin Moss who is very well endowed.  He just does it for me.  Seeing him in action well that is worth it for me.  I’ve also come to realize that my vice is porn.  Well maybe food and porn.  I am an addict and if I ever do find the right guy I am wondering if I can exist without porn.  Right now it’s all good and provides a great release for me.  Watching Don Jon the other day I realized when I am watching porn all of my problems fade away – it’s just me and the screen I am not thinking about money, my loss, a sick cat, my job or anything else.  I am thinking about the guys on the screen and well you get the idea. 

We have 4 days left in this crummy, crappy year.  I hope that they go by fast and that I don’t have any further problems.  I hope that like the Christmas song says my troubles will be out of sight. 

Crappy Anniversary to me.  I miss my guy more than I can put into words.  I really wish he were here with me in good health.  I’d give back every cent I received and then some just to be with him again and be happy.  I mean he is all I have known for the better part of my life.  He was my rock and he is gone now.  I believe that he is watching over me and trying to look out for me.  I know that I am keeping my promise in making him proud in that I am making things work here by keeping all of us (me and the cats) together.  I am trying to make the best out of a shitty situation and I know that he didn’t leave me willingly, it was simply his time.  I know that he loved me more than anyone on earth because he told me so each and everyday.  I thought it was sappy, cheesy and took it for granted.  Now that he is gone I appreciate the fact that he expressed those feelings each and every day.  The last 6 months or possibly longer we got closer and exchanged I love you’s much more frequently.  I am grateful that I was able to spend so many years with him and that I was always there when he needed me.  I was his rock as much as he was mine.  We covered each others back no matter what and now I am on my own.  I must say that while I am not happy things turned out the way they did I am glad that I am the one who survived like we planned.  I know that he would have went to shit if I went before him and things around here would really have fallen apart.  He would have probably been dead within the first three months.  He always told me that he couldn’t live without me.  I told him the same.  However, I am living now.  I just wish that we could communicate, not being able to talk with him is the hardest part ever.  I still miss my lunch time phone calls and waking him up in the morning chatting about what was going to be for supper.

If you have read this far, I must thank you for sticking with me.  I know this post is all over the place but it’s a very emotional day for me.  Last year at this time I was so happy, who would have thought a year later my life would change so drastically.  I am glad that we got the Civil Union it was money very well spent.  I didn’t know why we both got choked up when we said “until death do us part” but I get it today just like I got it back in April when he passed. 

If you take away only one thing from this post – I want it to be that life is precious and if you have a wife, a husband, a lover, a partner, a significant other – someone who means something to you tell them today how much you love and appreciate them.  Cherish every moment with them the good times as well as the bad.  At least you are together.  That is what this whole experience has taught me, among other things. 

Now if I could just break out of this depression and grief – laugh and smile more, eat a little less and spend a whole lot less I think that my problems would figure themselves out.  However, until that happens I will continue to worry and watch to make sure that things get dealt with as they need to be.

It struck me at Christmas when a 6 year old said the blessing and ended it with Thank you Jesus for my life.  I didn’t realize it but he was born 3 months premature and wasn’t supposed to make it.  That was shock and awe, that touched me so very much.

Okay, I’m going to call and end to this and get ready for bed.  I have to get to the pharmacy tomorrow to get the kids medicine but that doesn’t mean I need to be up at the crack of dawn.  I just have to tell that to them.  :)   Thanks for stopping by.  Talk with you peeps later.

Happy Birthday Sweetie

 

Today would have been my partners 73rd birthday.  Normally I think about what to get him weeks in advance and then can’t wait to spring it on him days before his birthday because I simply can’t wait.  This year there is no need to worry about a gift and there is no joy or excitement building and no need for a card.  Yes, I am sad because he is not here with me but he lives in my heart and he always will until the day I take my last breath.

Much to my surprise today just feels like an ordinary day, mostly because I am going through the motions of what I normally do on the weekend.  Writing this has a knot in my throat and I will probably shed a couple tears before I am done.  However, there is sadness in my heart and I think that is palpable by those around me, which at the moment are all cats.  They are very affectionate, one in particular more so than usual. 

I believe with every fiber of my being that my partner is in Heaven and is smiling down upon me.  I hear his voice calling my name now and then.  I hear some of his words of wisdom as well.  I still can’t believe that this is reality and I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare with him close by. 

Memories are all I have and they play often over and over in my head.  I think about the good times, the bad times and just in general time together.  I miss talking with him at lunch time, coming home to a hot meal that wasn’t previously frozen.  The pain from his loss is nothing that a drug or any person can take away.  I feel it and it is very raw.  I want to scream, I want to cry and I don’t want to move on – I don’t want to continue to live my life without him in it.  However, I realize that death is a part of life.  The part that is not often spoke of, the part that everyone will have to deal with eventually.

I have many regrets. One of which is not being by his side after they removed life support.  I promised him I would be there and I wouldn’t let him die alone.  However, we both know that would have scared me for life and it is probably something better that I didn’t see it.  However I feel that I failed him.  The hole that is in my heart and the void that is in my life is HUGE.  The pain simply can’t be put into words.  I am all alone and being alone is the scariest of feelings, especially when your used to being around someone else for 20 plus years. 

Thinking about the progress that I have made I am very proud of myself in the hurdles that I have conquered and I know he would be as well.  There are two more hurdles to deal with and once they are done I am hopeful that I can heal and somehow manage to move on. 

I am NOT the same person that I was before he died.  His passing is a life changing event and as such everything about me has changed regardless if it is visible or not. 

I am keeping my last promise to him in that I will make him proud.  I know he would be very surprised at how well most things have come together.  There are a couple of circumstances and burdens I have been shackled with that he wouldn’t be too happy about. 

While my wish when it came to death was that we all pass together at the same time, that is wishful thinking and probably something everyone at some point thinks.  Reality is that we will all pass at our appointed time and regardless of heroic measures or not, if it is truly our time there is nothing anyone will be able to do to save us.

My life from the time I was born was an up hill battle and I have been fighting battles all of my life.  I’m tired and need rest.  I need things to just fall into place and to experience joy and peace.  I want to be comfortable not only in my living space but in life in general.  I hope that there is another man out there for me and that sooner rather than later our paths will cross.  Of course he will never be able to replace what I had but hopefully we will be able to make a new future together.

I realize that me being 42 and my partner being in his 70’s there was an unnatural balance there.  It was like the odds were against us and we both figured that he would go first.  I am so very thankful that I got to spend as many years with him as I did.  That I was there to help and provide comfort, joy and make him feel like no one else could.  I know I was very special to him and that he loved me more than words can express, because he told me that often so it would make a lasting impression with me.  One thing is for certain that I will NEVER forget him.

I remember many years ago when I was younger and my grandmother passed, he was there to comfort me.  I thought that I would never get over her and well it’s been over 20 years and I am used to it.  This event with my partner is still very fresh and new, which is why it hurts so damn much. 

I see him in the house and there are still many items of his here.  I don’t go into his room or his office space much because I don’t want to stir up memories or deal with the contents of those two spaces.  However, I know that eventually I will have to.  I am very surprised that I was able to get rid of his clothes.  That was a huge move for me and not one that was easily done. 

Now that the weather has changed I find myself wearing his leather jacket because it’s lighter weight than the led vest that is my leather jacket.  Each time I put on my leather jacket regardless of the year it feels like a huge hug from my partner.  I wish with all of my heart that I was able to hug him.  His remains are in my bedroom and I stare at the urns often thinking about their contents.

So what normally would be an average day for him and one that he would rather not talk about or celebrate would have been special to me because it would be celebrating another year on earth as well as his life. 

My prayer is that Almighty God would help heal my heart, cause my finances to fall into shape, allow me to feel job security and hopefully reward me with a new job.  To not ever struggle financially again, to be able to continue bringing joy and comfort to my many cats.  Then bring me closer to finding a new soul mate to grow old with.  To experience joy and happiness again, to bring many more smiles and joy into my life and that  would be able to expand those people that I call friends.  Help me to deal with the passing of each of the cats when each of their times come.  Someday to allow me to be able to take a true two week vacation with not a care or worry in the world and to simply have the time of my life.  That he would continue to bless each one of you and keep you safe, healthy and happy.  That the world in general will be a better place.  Amen.

In loving memory of my very special guy I conclude this post, wipe away my tears and will continue to push myself forward each and every day.  I love you sweetie and I pray that you are at peace. 

Sunday

I watched a documentary on Johnny Carson's life.  Wow it made me laugh and cry but not at the same time.  He was a truly remarkable person.  What an influence he had on TV and Late Night Entertainment.  I saw this on Netflix, so if you have an account I recommend it.  

I finished Orange is the new Black.  Another amazing series.  I'm already ready for Season 2 to come out and they just released season 1.  I think this idea of Netflix produced series/shows will do quite well.  

I am composing tonight from my iPad in the living room.  Short of passing out medicine to the kids, figuring out what I am going to wear tomorrow and taking my pills - everything else is done.  I haven't quite had a weekend like this.

I catered to myself and my desires.  I finally went out to eat but it was for lunch and I went to a place where one of my guys former relatives work.  She is the manager and we chatted a bit.  She comped my meal, this is the second time she has done that.  I didn't go there for that purpose, I went to see her and chat.  The food wasn't that good this time so I was thankful that I didn't have to pay for it.  

She told me about another man who comes in and he lost his partner to Cancer.  She wants to introduce us.  I said I wouldn't mind meeting him but I don't want to fall in love with an older man, he will just die on me and I don't want that.  I would like to find someone that is more age appropriate for me, just so we can relate to each other better.  This guy just lost his partner a week ago and they are planning a memorial service in a few weeks.  His partner is an older Japanese Man who is in great health.  That's all well and good but I would just want to be friends with him and share what we have in common, like loosing our partners.  It would be a therapeutic friendship.  I honestly think we can do each other a whole lot of good.

I've been thinking about the whole dating thing and I honestly think I am trying to hard.  I think that love and that someone will come to me when I am not expecting it.  I still logon to the site because I paid for a service but I am just not seeing anyone that fits the bill for what I am looking for.  Us gays are so picky and well since I have a few extra pounds I know that will count against me - it's all about vanity, which sucks!

In going in and out today, I have seen a couple hot guys in the neighborhood - always love eye candy. Too bad it won't love me back. :)

Driving home from the resturant this afternoon, I saw a window sign in a local business that they need a computer person.  Problem is they want resumes dropped off and they are only open when I am working.  So in an effort to grab some attention, I am mailing my resume since I know I will never be able to drop it off.  It will either make a good impression or it won't.  Either way I really have nothing to loose.  I kind of think that there is really no money at this place but if they would even pay what I am making now, it would be a huge raise!  I wouldn't have to spend $30 to $50 on gas, depending upon prices.  Plus I could come home for lunch and see the kids, which would be a nice touch.  I could also get the mail a lot earlier and be home at a reasonable time and have more to my evening.  Now probably isn't the right time to change jobs but I feel as if it was a sign from God and I am not passing it up, because then I would always wonder and never have an answers.  This way I've taken the first step.  

Getting together with my old boss is proving difficult.  We just settled on a date and time, but the place is up in the air.  I really have a feeling that he really doesn't want to meet up but doesn't quite know how to say no.  Maybe I am wrong.  I also thought okay so you got him to agree to meet, now what the hell are you going to talk about.  Well plenty has happened in the old place where we used to work as well as in our lives that we should not have too many dry moments.  He is the kind of guy who likes to keep a conversation going so hopefully we will have a good time and it won't be nearly as awkward as I think it will.

I had dinner at my friends house, it was very informal and I got hood winked into watching some stupid TV show.  We had tacos as I thought we would.  It was extra spicy and I wasn't prepared for that.  There was only water to drink, unless I wanted hard liquor or wine.  So water was my buddy.  Not too happy about the fact that I have more bills than this person, they make more than me or so I think and they can't buy a 12 pack of diet soda or even a 2 liter bottle.  C'mon.  Lots of my friends don't have soda at home and I just don't get it.  You can buy liquor which costs more but you can't buy soda.  

My bed finally has been made, only took me 3 days to get that done.  The kids are happy but let's wait and see how happy they are when I kick them out before leaving for work.  That won't go over without a protest.  

I could sit here and type my life away but I don't know that I am accomplishing anything, other than breaking in my iPad and the keyboard.  It's nice to be able to relax on the living room couch and blog, it's something different and I am more surprised by the fact that everyone is resting and not bothering me.  As soon as I move to my room I will have a chair full of cats, I just know it.  

Taking a muscle relaxer tonight and some Tylenol, hopefully they will do the trick at knocking me out and loosening up my neck so that I don't have any pain.  This getting older business is horrible and I am still young - so it really scares me.

I was shocked to hear this morning about the Corey Montieth who played Finn on Glee.  I can't believe he is dead.  I hope it was from natural causes but to be so young and die - my guess is drugs.  I suppose in the coming days we will find out.  You just never know when your time is up.  I've been thinking about my demise and what would happen if that would occur now.  Wow, it would be a mess.  All the more reason to get working on a will.  it's on my to do list but I don't know when I will be able to check it off.  

I am also surprised in the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.  I honestly didn't think he would walk but they jury has spoken.  I didn't follow the trial but heard some parts of it from a friend.  She loves trials and just lives to watch them.  It's all about the drama.  I like my drama too but I've got enough of it in my own life, I don't need more.  

Unless I chicken out, this will be the week I ask about my review.  I am not asking about a pay raise because by asking for my review, I am intimating that I want to know about my raise.  They know what I am doing and how swamped I am.  How much I have done and put up with the last year.  Hopefully they will see fit to give me a decent pay raise.  I will keep you posted.  All I can say is pray because that is what I am doing, praying that the money will come through somehow someway.  The interesting part is if they will make the raise retroactive to my anniversary date - if so then that will be like a bonus in it's self.  

Monday is going to suck but I have plenty to do.  Big challenge is getting the paycheck software installed and working.  I also have to install a printer but that will be easy as pie, yes I said pie.  :P

Well its coming up on 8pm here, time to break out the cat medicine, brush my tooth and take my medicine then go get lost in some TV and forget about the world for a while.  I sure hope I find something good.  I've got a Cinnamon Candle burning in my room so it should smell wonderful, at least it's not cat pee that I will smell.  Speaking of which Mr. Blu is not feeling all that well.  I've got him on an antihistamine but think that I may winding up taking him over to get checked out.  Right now I am waiting and watching.  He is still sneezing.  My worry is that he is going to infect the rest of the house and then I will have a much bigger problem on my hands.  My other worry is that if anyone stops eating, which happened before when the boys had a respiratory virus it takes lots of money to bring them back and frankly I can't do it.  I want to but I have so much to worry about.  I pray mostly that whatever Blu has will just resolve on it's own and no one else will pick it up.  Having 4 cats on medicine and keep tracking of schedules is hard enough.  Speaking of which it's time to run.

I hope that you had a great weekend, relax unwind with what is left and pray that Monday goes by really damn fast.  Talk with you peeps later.  

P A R T Y

Friday… Went out to lunch w/ an old co-worker.  Got off work early.  Grabbed the mail, got a hair cut, went home ate my lunch.  Then dashed off to the movies to see Mr. Paul Walker in Fast & Furious 6.  Totally awesome movie!  Came home stayed up way too late.  Wrote a letter to the attorney who is supposed to help me handle the appeal, gave him enough money for 1 hour worth of work, to show good faith.  Enclosed all of the documentation he could possibly need and told him that I didn’t see the need for a face to face but am not apposed to it if it was something he required.  It was early Saturday morning when I retired.

Saturday… Kind of a busy day.  Low on energy and ready for relaxation.  I think I napped a bit and watched some TV with the kids.  I went out for a massage in the morning, that turned out to be a bust.  They started late then tried to rope me in to a package that cost $54 per month.  I declined and paid my money.  Talked with a friend that was supposed to come over to help me and moved that to Sunday.  I got the slide show ready for next Saturday, I cried watching it, but it looks really good.  Fuck I miss him something crazy!  Later on Saturday I met with some friends for supper at Maggianos.  I of course hadn’t been there since Thanksgiving.  Felt strange but familiar.  We sat in a booth where me and my guy sat a few years back when it was just the two of us for Thanksgiving, that was really strange.  I kind of wished we would have went to a different table but we have been there a lot so seating me to a place that we never sat before would have been a slight challenge for them.  Enjoyed some amazing food.  I really delighted my friends by suggesting that place.  They drank way too much wine and we all ate way too much food.  Plus I had stuff to take home, which was nice!  Stopped for gas, then came home.  Took care of the children and called it a night.  Stayed up and watched Varsity Blues.  I caught part of it on cable and what can I say I have a think for James Vander Beek.  Then I found some other movie he was in Rules of Attraction.  That was just weird.  Passed out eventually and went to sleep.

Sunday… Went to Cracker Barrel for Breakfast.  Saw the cute hostess guy.  Had some okay food, paid way too much for it and left.  Then headed to pick up my friend.  We made a day of it.  Talked a little bit, then we came back here.  He started doing what I did when we tried to determine what we had to get rid of.  He was picking shit up and handing it to me or setting it in a new place.  Basically we made a bigger mess out of what is a huge mess already.  Found some good stuff.  I am going to try to get some of it ready to sell at the flea market event here in a couple weeks.  I don’t have much time, so I will have to be quick to research and determine how much money I want.  What doesn’t sell, well I have a good camera now so I think I will try my hand at eBay.  If it works out, great and if not his club will be having an Auction that I can try for later in the year.  I don’t have to move everything at once, but the quicker I can part with some of this stuff, the quicker I can not only make money but have more room in his office and try to get it to a decent clean state.  We left here about 1 and went to Mexican Country.  I was hungry and for the first time in my life I ate authentic Mexican Food.  It’s good but damn, it’s hot.  The place didn’t have ice cream so my mouth was on fire, but eventually that passed.  I drank about a 2 liter of Diet Pepsi.  Dropped my friend off at his place, sat and talked.  Then mustered up the energy to head to Sam’s club.  I found quite a deal on Litter what usually costs me $16 I got for $13, so I will be going back for more.  Got several things that I needed and dropped $175, then filled up the tank and dropped another $30.  Headed for home and I didn’t buy any food items.  Damn!  Hung around the house for the remainder of the day, relaxed and was lazy.  Continued watching that movie with James Vander Beek.  Eventually passed out for the night.

Monday… The first Monday that hasn’t sucked in a long time!  I had some strange dreams and slept in a bit.  Fed the children and headed to breakfast.  Against my will I went to IHOP had some good food.  Left there headed to the grocery store.  Spent $77 didn’t get a whole lot, but have enough to make it for the week.  Came home, unloaded and put away everything.  Then started my mega cleaning spree.  Mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors.  Cleaned my bathroom, looks really nice.  Hasn’t looked that good since the day we moved in.  Took out the trash.  Vacuumed most placed.  Couldn’t do my room because the kids were hiding in there.  Got the rest of the house.  Figured out that Blu peed on the now empty coffee table.  Cleaned that up and told him once again that I wanted to kill him, but that I wouldn’t.  Watched The Paperboy with Zac Effron in it.  Hot scenes of him walking and dancing in his underwear.  That kid is so hot!  I had every intention of taking a nap but Zac kept me interested and awake.  Did dishes and lots of laundry.  All my stuff.  It’s still going but I am finally winding down, thank God.  I had left overs from Maggiano’s along with some 6 Cheese Garlic Bread I picked up at the store.  I also had left over desert and it was all good.  Yes I skipped a meal in there but it won’t kill me.

I’ve managed to get through balancing bank accounts and every penny has been accounted for.  Thus far I have spent $2,000 of the life insurance money.  That was just to get me out of credit card debt.  So all in all things don’t look terrible but they could always be better. 

It’s been a couple days since I have done any self pleasuring and I am really turned on.  I shaved part of my chest which helped spice me up.  Plus shaved my face.  I now look presentable to go back to work, crap. 

Just fed the children there evening snack.  They will cajole more food out of me before the night is over with.  It’s humid in here.  I turned the AC up because it was in psyco mode again and I am starting to sweat.  Once I go upstairs in a couple hours, I will kick it back down to get some cooling going on.  Plus all of the lights will be off, which will help.  The sad part is that it will be closer to going back to work.  I could live on a holiday for quite sometime with no complaints.  The world just seems okay right now.

I still have my moments and getting rid of his stuff won’t be easy.  Plus attending this dinner/memorial service/life celebration thing won’t be easy.  I do hope I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I want a hug from him, I want to be able to lean on him and just have time alone away from the world with him.  Most of all I want him to be well again.  However, sadly none of those things will happen.  I have determined that I am not ready to move on yet, but having a sex partner would probably help me out some.  Also having a therapist probably isn’t a bad idea.  I am not looking for either right now. 

This has been a very productive weekend and I accomplished what I wanted to, plus a little more.  I spent way too much money but it’s not like I can hold on to $ for ever. 

On the work front, all of the hardware that I ordered last week should arrive tomorrow.  I will be one busy guy.  I played with one of the tablets on Friday.  Windows 8 isn’t that bad but you have to know what your doing.  Doesn’t mean I still didn’t want to smash it with a hammer but the more I know and work with it, the more I am getting used to it.  Figuring out all of the quirks and how to personalize the machine enough to make it meet corporate demands and preventing anyone from turning it into a work/personal tablet will be quite the challenge.  However, I am hoping that some software I bought will be able to help me with that task.  Getting everything deployed will be a little bit of a challenge as well.  However, I will manage somehow.  I can’t say that it will all come together this week but I hope I am on my way before the end of the week.  I shouldn’t have to travel, it’s just getting everything ready and then ship them.  If there are problems they can call me.  Otherwise, it’s just power it up and go.  I also know that I have 3 sites that need wireless, that will be more money and time out of the office, but they are all local.  There is the possibility that the one place that is about 90 miles away will require a night or two to stay in town.  I don’t plan on driving 90 miles each way for 3 or 5 days in a row.  If I am lucky and can get it all done in two days I should be in good shape, otherwise I will have to ask a friend for help with the cats.  That is something that I am also trying to avoid.

Need to get this published, make some changes on the blog template and of course publish my backlog of comments.  Then it’s on to other fun things before I call it a night.  I’d like to relax for about an hour or two if possible before calling it a night but we shall see.  Too bad there aren’t more 3 days weekends around the corner. 

The next holiday for us is Independence Day otherwise known as the 4th of July.  Not that far off.

Oh I almost forgot, the guy I asked on a date.  He got back to me again and said to look him up next month.  See what I was trying to do is make him the one that pursued me instead of the other way around.  Based on the words and that feeling, I think this is one of those friendships that will just not happen.  Unless he looks me up.  The vibe I am getting says leave me alone, so that is what I am going to do.

Talk with you peeps later.  Don’t do anything that you can’t talk your way out of!

Power Paper

 

Sorry for not updating you sooner, but my partner passed away on 04-April after life support was removed.  His kidneys had shutdown.  He developed pneumonia and they were suctioning blood out of him.  He was in the process of getting ready to have a heart attack.  So the end result would have been the same, it just would have put him through more pain and prolonged the process.  I said my goodbyes, which was difficult.  His son couldn’t be bothered to come say goodbye and asked me to do it for him. This has just been a total and complete nightmare and I am wondering when I am going to wake up.  I had him cremated, because it was the cheapest option available.

It’s amazing what power a piece of paper has.  I’m speaking of a Death Certificate.  I really can’t do anything until I have this document.  Hopefully, it comes through this week, but I was told to be prepared to wait up to a total of 3 weeks from the time of death, which would put this at the end of the month.

In speaking to friends and family members of my late partner, most knew we were a couple.  He didn’t want to confirm or deny it, just let it ride and hopefully no one would bring it up.  I felt so comfortable after people accepted me for who I am.

This week has been difficult.  I have spoken to a couple attorneys and have to talk with another one next week.  It sounds like I will wind up going through probate.  This would be for my protection and to protect the biggest asset my guy had, which is the house. 

Right now everything is up in the air, I can’t sell anything and have stopped trying to clean up.  It’s a never ending process and nothing says I have to be done this week or this weekend.  Since there is so much shit to sift through it’s going to take time.  I have resigned myself to that fact and decided to start taking care of myself, which is what matters most here. 

I know he wouldn’t want me to worry, feel sad and that he didn’t leave me willingly.  I know how very much he loved me and how much I loved him.  There is a HUGE void in my life and it’s going to take time to heal.

People have asked me about getting a roommate or finding another boyfriend.  Tempting as it is for the physical relationship.  Me and my hand will be about as close as I get to another person.  I may find someone eventually but it’s not something in my plans, especially my immediate plans. 

My goal is to keep the house, take care of the cats and try my very best to keep my head above water while making my guy proud of me. 

Tomorrow is my last day off and I return to work on Monday.  I really dread that but I think once I am in it, I will breathe easier.  I’ve got plenty to do and there is pending litigation at work which will also help to keep me busy trying to track down things and do research.  I am hopeful that I am not sent on any road trips for a while.  I have no worry about finding someone to watch the critters but it would be nice not to add more worry into my life.

I did take Big Boy to the vet this week.  They have him 3 to 6 months to live.  I hope that he outlives this deadline.  I am doing my best to keep up with his medicine and it will be easier to deal with when I get back to work.

My evenings won’t be like they used to.  I will have to feed the cats and then take care of fixing myself something to eat.  It’s going to be very difficult but I have no doubts we will make it.

There is life insurance, actually more than I anticipated but it’s still a very small amount.  I am so glad that I took a policy on him last year.  Never mind that I won’t get the full benefit, at least getting my money back plus 10% will help.

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and good vibes.  I probably won’t be blogging as often as I used to but I have every plan to keep on blogging.  It will help with the healing process.

Right now it’s late, I need to spend time with the critters and I am still catching up on laundry.  2 weeks worth.  Most of my stuff is done.  I still have to wash his bed clothes and I honestly don’t want to.  However, I realize that no matter what I do, it won’t bring him back.  He is gone and all I have now are the memories.  There are good and bad memories but 25 years together was awesome.  I was hoping that we could make it longer, but I am happy to have gotten that much time with him.

Good night, god bless and I will talk with you peeps later.

In bed

My guy volunteers as an Election Judge.  It’s a good way to make some extra money and not have to break your back in the process.  Well he had a training class to go to this morning.  However, he didn’t make it.  His back insisted that he was going to lay flat.  I don’t know more about it, but it sounds like muscle spasms.  I’ve had them and they are painful.  He told me that he wrecked his bedroom but that he is back in bed and resting. 

Now he has this bright idea that he doesn’t want to go anywhere with out his scooter.  Yeah, the only problem with that is it will break my back to load it and he will need help in unloading it and then reloading it.  He really needs a different vehicle and then this would be a viable option.

Thank God for the food our friend brought by yesterday that plus my left over pizza should hopefully tide us by tonight.  I’ve got to stop for Cat Food because the kids have decided they don’t like the breakfast flavor cat food I bought.  So I won’t waste my money in buying more of it, I will just stick to the usual and watch them turn their noses up at that.  I was trying to bring a little variety to the table but apparently they don’t want that.  I’d sure get tired of eating the same thing over and over.  Finicky cats!

I got the official word that the boss man will be back on Wednesday.  Not an April Fools joke.  That sucks, I thought that we were going two weeks of freedom.  I know everyone else is bummed as well.  Sure glad that I scheduled my lunch date for tomorrow.  Wednesday is when Big Boy goes to the vet, I really hope that I can leave on time.  I don’t foresee a problem.

My guy was hooked on the series The Bible as seen on the History Channel.  He really liked it.  So much so that he wants the DVD.  It’s selling for $52 but you can get it on Amazon much cheaper.  At least that was true when I looked before going to bed last night. 

There is not a while lot going on for me today, I’ve had a couple calls and things to do but for the most part it’s a boring day.  I did work on the boss man’s machine.  Applied some Windows Updates, checked a couple of settings.  Then of course I had to reboot, that presented a problem because I was working on his machine via remote control.  When I went to log back on I couldn’t send a CTRL ALT DELETE.  So I had to use a backdoor to get in and then figure out how to get rid of the prompt for CTRL ALT DELETE.  I did that and rebooted and logged in as him.  All looks well and I did my best to cover my tracks.  No one here has any idea that I touched his machine and I don’t plan on saying anything.  He certainly won’t know because he isn’t here.  I like that.  I am just looking out for the well being of his machine.  I hope that he doesn’t have any further problems with his machine.  That would make me really happy. 

No April Fools jokes have been played on me and I don’t plan on playing any.  I am just ready to go home.  I hope the mess that my guy made isn’t too terribly difficult for me to clean up.  I just want a relaxing evening.

I did catch Shameless last night.  It’s getting pretty good and of course next week will be the season finale.  That sucks but then Nurse Jackie will be on and I am looking forward to that.  The worst part about being hooked on a series is waiting for the next episode.  I like the NetFlix approach where you can go from the 1st to the last episode right away.  It’s just more fun for me. 

Monday is on the downhill slide, can’t wait until I hear those words…time for Dirty Pop because I will be in the car.  Take care, be safe and I will talk with you peeps later.

Crappy Day

I slept with my guy last night, against my better judgment.  It was about 1am when I got in bed.  At 2:30 AM I hear this plop noise and yes, he fell out of bed.  He sheered off the front of his CPAP Face Mask.  Then I had the task of getting him up and back into bed.  That took what seemed like forever but in reality was about 45 minutes.  At 5 AM I left and went back to my bed.  I didn’t want to get up today at all.  I roused out of bed around 10 but didn’t get going until 1pm. 

We didn’t go visit our friends, he was too weak for that.  So they brought food to us, kind of nice.  I am finishing up on laundry and am way behind schedule. 

I also heard that this week won’t be boss free like I was originally informed.  We have a couple days without him and then he will be in for a couple days.  I am so depressed over that.  Plus I’ve got the whole vacation time thing.  I don’t like asking for time off, but then again I don’t anticipate any problems.  Just knowing that he will be back in the office, I can already feel the tension forming.  I really hope that things change or that I am able to find a new job.  I hate to give up a lot of the perks that I have but if it means I can be happy, then I am all for it. 

I have to get back to chores and getting ready for tomorrow.  My guy seems to be getting better, now if we can just stop the bed wetting and falling out of bed, I think he will be just fine.  Thanks for stopping by.  I hope that you are having a great Easter.  Be safe and I will talk with you peeps later.

Sleep with me

So my plans for Friday worked out great. I got my hairs cut, had a mediocre shampoo. The lady just didn’t know how to work her fingers. I came home and we went for pizza. I have 3 slices left over to remind me of the experience! We came home and hours went by, eventually I washed my guys’ hair and put in conditioner. I have never met anyone that had so much trouble getting shampoo out of his hair. He thinks he is rinsing it all out but he isn’t. Plus he needs to use conditioner because the shampoo he is using dries out the scalp; it’s more of a stripper. I’ve got a feeling that I will be washing his hair more often. As long as I am in the mood, it’s no problem. It’s one thing I can do that I know for sure he will enjoy and there won’t be any complaints. Yup, I give great head. You just had to know I was going to say that.

Before retiring for the evening he reminded me that we need to get his vehicle inspected tomorrow. Great, I thought for sure I would over sleep. However, we made it with plenty of time. This was the first time that I have seen a waiting line at the testing station. I also thought for sure he would fail but nope, he passed with flying colors. They go totally off the on-board computer, which is a change from years past.

After the testing, we grabbed breakfast. I ate like a pig but it was good. Then out for a little drive and then home. I crashed for a little bit. Woke up and a friend of mine called. We chatted and then he reminded me that the grocery stores are closed on Easter Sunday. Crap, we had to go to the store today. So after I got off the phone I told my guy and we dashed off to the store.

As we were headed over, he broke the news to me that we were invited to some friends for Easter. Great, not how I wanted to plan my day. Worst of all it’s not until late in the afternoon. That totally screws up everything. Hopefully we won’t stay too long, but honestly I don’t want to go at all.

We came home and I put the groceries away, then we dashed off to get a bite to eat. He wanted to go to Cracker Barrel and I didn’t fight him at all. I was hoping that the cute guy who is a host would be working. Sure enough, he was there. The food was just okay. Service was quick and our glasses were never empty for long.

Once we returned home I started on laundry and research. The research was to find the cute guys last name. I am getting closer but I am also starting to think he might not be on social networking. Right now it’s a challenge for me and if I ever get to solve it, I will feel so good.

I got a phone call from my guy who wanted to know if our Civil Union License was just like a marriage license. I said it affords us some of the rights that straight people have and it’s the closest thing that we can get right now to a marriage license. I guess he got to thinking about our vows and it just struck him that we were “married”. Duh, I’ve been saying it all along. He keeps talking about me leaving him and I always tell him I am not going anywhere, despite how crazy he drives my ass. I want to kill him sometimes but I love him and can’t imagine life without him. He has been with me for half of my life. At this point it would be like losing a limb.

So he is scared and he wants me to sleep with him tonight. He said that he needs me. Yeah, I don’t need to get peed on. I remember those days oh too well and I am glad they are gone. Expounding on that, when I was growing up I had a bed wetting problem. No doubt it was from the physical abuse. It continued until I was about 20 or 21, then magically it just went away. Now if I have to go, I wake up. I don’t always get up but typically if I ignore my bladder the urge just gets worse and eventually I have to get up. If his room wasn’t such a disaster, I would do what my grandmother used to do. Lay down and relax until I was sure he was passed out cold, then get up and go sleep in my own bed. I am worried about getting sick, plus getting no sleep since he likes to sleep with his machine off and snores like a freight train. Sleeping with him right now will be about as much fun as going to that stupid meal tomorrow. I want to relax and not have my life planned out for me by others.

The kids are all happy that I am home. Jumper and I had a pretty good night. He is such a snuggle bug at times. Everyone here wants a piece of me. Shy Girl begged me to pet her. I suspect there will be a full moon soon, either that or she is getting sick. Normally she is like drop the food on the floor fat boy and leave. I will take care of the rest. See that just proves that cats have staff, while dogs have owners. Still I love them all, even though they cost me so much money! As I type, they are wanting their evening snack. It started with a nice reminder from Momma. Then one of her daughters came down. Pretty soon I will see one or two more. They know what they want and when they want it. It’s just a matter of convincing me to give in, which normally is not a huge task at all.

Switching gears, I ordered my annual credit reports. I was shocked that my car loan was listed as a part of my bankruptcy on two reports. I have disputes filed to get that changed. I reaffirmed the debt, which means that I am legally responsible for it, so they should continue reporting to help me build my credit back. Speaking of cars, I got a mailer from the dealer. Go for a test drive and they will give me $20 off of any service I have done. If I buy a car they will give me an extra $500 and they are offering 0% financing for 60 months. Yeah, it’s a great time to buy a car. However, you have to qualify for that 0% and I doubt seriously that I would, given the bankruptcy. I do monitor my credit through Credit Karma and things are looking up for me. I just have to get the two credit cards I have paid off with a 0 balance each month, and then I will be doing really well. Paying them off should be a reality in one to two more months. The sooner, the better.

It’s been an entire week since I shaved, I like the look around Wednesday and Thursday. After that it just starts itching so bad and it’s time to cut it all off. I don’t think I will EVER have a beard because I can’t get past the itchy part. Besides that the hair on your face can hold allergens like dust, mold, etc. Which could explain those days when my nose flairs up. I am just getting lazy and I only do the minimum during the week. My get up and go, got up and went a long time ago.

Speaking of which, it’s probably time that I got up and went. I hope that you all have a very happy Easter and get to enjoy your weekend. Don’t eat too much ham. Be safe and I will talk with you peeps later.

Hot & Tired

I could use a nap right about now.  Stuck at work for another hour and a half.  Thank God we are closing early today.  I just hope that there are no after hours crisis. 

When I left this morning I didn’t bother to wake up grumpy.  He was sleeping pretty sound and I know he needed his rest.  He called me at work a couple hours later telling me to hurry home when I could.  He didn’t have the strength to get out of bed.  Yesterday was a horrible day for him.  He slid off the couch on to the floor.  It was difficult but he got himself back up on the couch, which pretty well exhausted him.  I got home and had to help him to the table to eat supper.  Then help him with getting to bed.  He sounded pretty good last night but this morning when I talked to him you could hear the fear & weakness in his voice.  He is scared and I totally get it.  I am not exactly sure how he will get better but I think that he needs to eat 3 square meals a day, as well as rest and take his medicine.  Everything else and I do mean everything can wait. 

My plans for this afternoon are to call the haircut place when I am close to see what the wait time is and if it’s not too long I will get my hairs cut.  Then to home and hopefully we are able to go out for pizza.  If not, I will go get it and bring it home.  I’d rather eat in and I think getting out in the sunshine to make some vitamin D would be good for him.

I really want to go straight home but I also need some ME time, this week has pretty well revolved around him.  He is still wondering when I am throwing up my hands and calling it quits.  As much of a pain in the ass that he is, I won’t be leaving.  We said until death do us part and I plan on holding up my end of those words.  It was hard to say them and it will be even harder to part.  Hopefully that day is a long way from today.  I know each day brings us closer to that point, but it’s not just us, it’s everyone we are all born to die.  Kind of sucks!

After this week I kind of see how my brother feels taking care of our mother.  He can’t do anything or go anywhere, other than work.  I haven’t talked with either of them in a while.  Perhaps we will reconnect over the weekend.

As I suspected, the UPS at home failed.  I got a new one and got $20 off, so not a bad deal.  Shame that the old unit is no longer covered under warranty.  I’ve managed to revive it and am testing it with no load on it to see if it blows again.  Not exactly sure what I am going to do with the old one, but it would be nice to getting it working, then it will be easier to solve the problem.

I’ve got this gnawing at me about Big Boy.  I am afraid of loosing him before his appointment.  Next Wednesday can’t get here fast enough.  I am paying extra close attention to him.  I think I am just over cautious but better to be that way for nothing than to be caught off guard.  Poor guy he never hurt a fly, it’s just a shame that this whole fluid thing happened to him. 

Such an exciting life I have, I hope your keeping up because I find it difficult at times.  This week has sucked.  I do hope next week is better and I don’t mean April Fools either. 

I’ve figured out my dilemma on how I am going to use my vacation, now I just have to get it approved.  Need to take the car in for service.  It might also be time for tires.  I really hope not but last time I got a warning that they were starting to fail.  That is another expensive repair that I could do without right now.  Hopefully, they are still good.  However, they sat for 2 years with very little activity, I am so surprised they didn’t dry rot.  It was also easy to keep my car clean then.  So I will be asking for approval next week, I do not anticipate any problems – hopefully I am right about that. 

Well we are an hour away from quitting time.  Guess I should wrap this up, so you don’t have to listen to me blather on.  Take care, be safe and Happy Easter.  I will talk with you peeps later.

Day 2

So all went well last night, until 2am when I was woken from a deep sleep by the telephone.  My partner said he needed me.  I came in and he wanted to tell me that he had an accident.  Okay it’s the middle of the night, what did you want me to do?  He said go back to bed.  So I did. I didn’t really sleep well.

I could have pushed it but decided to stay home another day.  I mean I have the time and well staying home or going in – either way I will be working.  I was able to get a couple extra hours sleep but come 10am the phone woke me up and it was work.

Today was busier than yesterday.  I had one urgent request the rest of the stuff could have waited until I got back, but I didn’t put anyone off and took care of everyone.  One lady did the machine gun on me.  She called for one problem and then suddenly had a list of 5 more problems that she wanted me to fix.  I wasn’t too happy about that.  I like to have all the cards on the table and be prepared but it doesn’t always work that way.

Shy Girl got sick again.  I had to give her treats for breakfast because she wouldn’t eat.  I knew something was wrong and by the afternoon she got it out of her system.  She is back to eating and I have her on her favorite Forta-Flora, she loves that stuff.  It is a pro biotic for cats that will help put the good bacteria back in her gut.  Everyone else hates it but she actually dances when she sees me wiggle the pouch and say Forta-Flora.

There was plenty of laundry to do, but most of it dried and figuring he will just do the same thing tonight, I elected to wait.  He is telling me now that it hurts to pee.  I told him the medicine that you are taking isn’t working.  You need to get a different drug.  He is going to call for a doctors appointment tomorrow, I am not exactly sure how he plans on getting there.  I’ve got to talk to him about that.  However, if he feels he can make it on his own, then I don’t have a problem with it.  I will worry about his safety as I do every day.

My plans are to return to the office tomorrow.  I think three days for this would really be pushing it and would probably cause some issues for me.  Besides that I will be asking for a whole week off really soon and don’t want to screw that up.  My boss has no idea I haven’t been there for the past two days because he isn’t able to work or use electronics due to his religion.  I’m sure he will find out soon enough.  Unless the office manager does what she normally does for me and tells me not to worry about it.  If you want to give me extra time off w/o charging me for it, then I am happy to take it.  Just means that I will have even more time to burn next month.

For supper tonight we went to Red Lobster.  I thought it was pushing it a little for my guy but he said he would be fine with it and I know getting out of the house did him a world of good.  It took a little bit to get him in the car and out of the car into the restaurant but we made it.  Racked up a nice bill that I hadn’t planned on.  I always take it easy but he ordered an Appetizer and a Drink from the bar.  Plus one of the most expensive items on the menu.  I’m happy to pay for it but I really wish he would realize that my money is just as tight as his.

Right now I am wired for sound.  Not an ounce of tired in me and I am ready to just keep going.  However, I will be taking some sleeping pills and some Tylenol to help get the sleepy to set in.  Hopefully, it works.  MTV will be airing the season premier of The Real World, should be interesting to watch.  I haven’t seen the previews and know nothing about that cast.  That’s the best way to roll into a new show. 

Today I picked up Big Boy and put him on the couch with me.  He really enjoyed that and when he grew tired of it he jumped down on his own.  That about killed him but he did it any way.  The poor thing is wheezing and I can tell it’s just about time to tap that fluid.  I kind of hate to take him back for a couple reasons, one of which is money and the second of which is fear that they will tell us they can’t help him any more.  I know eventually the good luck we have been having will run out and I am so not looking forward to that. 

With my partner and Big Boy, plus the Jack Ass I have for a boss, is it any wonder why I am on anti-depressants!  I worry about loosing both of my guys (partner & cat) as well as the possibility of loosing my job.  Trying to be brave and hold my head up but the art of acting gets tiresome after a while.  At the end of the day there isn’t a damn thing I can do about any one of these things. 

I just pray that God Almighty will help me through this.  Get my partner back to health.  Let the vet help Big Boy and keep my boss away from me so I don’t have to worry about my job.  Also to bring some new opportunity my way, I am ready to move on.  That place is just so depressing and there is way too much back biting.

Well off to take my pills and try to relax for bed time.  I hope tomorrow is a good day for you, me and my guys.  Take care and be safe.

Here we go again…

The cats woke me up this morning because they wanted out of my room.  I let them out.  I was fully aware that I had about 20 minutes more to sleep and that my bladder was really full.  So after laying in bed, I decided to call it quits and get up.

I was in the bathroom when I heard my partner yell the Ambulance is on the way.  I figured he was having another bad dream.  I went in to see what was a matter and he just started yelling at me for not coming in.  He was yelling for 20 minutes.  Well, I was sleeping and your at the back of the house I am at the front of the house.  I have an allergy machine running to create a white noise effect, how exactly do you think I will hear you?  Then he said you have been up stirring around the house for a while.  I said nope, I just got up.  I had to throw on a shirt, open the front door and feed the cats. 

He really did call an Ambulance.  What’s the problem, he couldn’t stop peeing.  He has a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and for that he wanted them to cart him off to the hospital.  They told him you will just get a prescription and they will send you home.  He wanted them to keep him and the paramedics told him they give you a script and you hit the street.  Then your friend has to figure out how to get you up the icy driveway and back into the house.  We have enough man power here that we can get you to the ambulance.  Do you still want to go?  Yeah he looks at me and says what do you think?  I said you have wasted enough money and time, let these people go so they can take care of someone who really needs them.  With that they left.

FML !  Why me.  I know because I married an old guy.  Okay, so I wanted them to take him away and they didn’t.  I wanted to go to work and I didn’t.  I stayed home, told work that I had to take care of a sick friend.  Which was the truth, except he’s not a friend he’s my guy.  Crab ass but he is still mine.  If I could have found someone to pay $1 I would have sold his ass today. 

He is and always will be a lousy patient.  I called that pharmacy but they were closed.  They did have a prescription waiting for him but I couldn’t get it for a couple hours.  So I decided to go back to sleep.  He never got out of bed so he was trying to rest.  I woke up about 10 and went to get his medicine as well as something to eat.  Came back home and woke him up.  He ate and took his medicine.  Life was good.

Then he got this idea about getting out of bed.  Okay so I got him up.  The bed was soaked.  Part of it was sweat and the rest of it yup you guessed it urine.  Another crappy job for me. 

I just washed them the night before because of the same thing.  Two days in a row.  Really.

Enough of the day had went by and I asked him what do you want to do for supper.  He suggested that I have left overs.  I said how about Taco Night at the Bar.  I could get take out.  Yeah, that sounds great.  So I went to snag the mail and picked up our order.  We had supper early … close to 4pm.  While I was out I got my car washed.  It’s been a couple months and the roads are dry.  The driveway has once again cleaned it's self.  Got to love that. 

Then I got the trash ready to take out.  The trash people are a day behind because of the weather.  Not a surprise.  I came back inside for the day.  I’ve been helping him up and down, emptying urine all day long and doing laundry. 

Thankfully I got a couple breaks, work actually interrupted me only twice today.  Normally when I am home it’s non-stop.  I guess Passover and the boss being out helped me.  I will bet when I am on vacation next month, it’s non-stop pester all week long. 

I have plans to take a shower, relax with the kids and watch TV.  Some Ice Cream working into the picture sounds really good as well. 

Back up to last night.  When I got home we went out to eat at a local Italian place.  It took forever to get him in the car.  We got there and were almost done, when the urge hit and he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.  We had to leave.  It took forever again to get him in the car and out of the car.  Thankfully by some miracle nothing inside my car was soaked in urine. 

I said all of that to say this.  Getting old sucks but what is worse is watching someone you love and care about suffer and slowly fall apart.  One of his feet is like a magnet, he just can’t get it off the ground.  His mobility right now isn’t the best.  Then for the kicker I found out he didn’t take any medicine yesterday at all.  No wonder he had so many problems.  When I asked him why he didn’t take anything yesterday he said to stop yelling at him.  Wow, I am starting to see why I was given the advice to never, ever hitch your wagon to an older man. 

I am only 41 and I have experienced so many things that people my age shouldn’t experience until they are older.  Plus tack on a stroke, cancer and a serious car accident.  I see movies on TV where young gay guys are having fun.  I see other people my age and younger, having fun and able to smile all the time.  When all I can do is sit back and watch.  Kind of depressing. 

I’d like to have more friends, eat better food and have some fun.  Sex would be great too but I’d be happy with fun.  I don’t want to leave my guy and I won’t.  However, he is like an anchor pulling me down.  I am trying to stay a float but not exactly doing a good job. 

He and I have had the “splitting up conversation” many times in the past and he is honestly surprised that I am sticking with him.  I have proven my love to him, time and time again.  He is grateful.  I am happy that I have been able to make him happy.  I feel like instead of my real age being 41 that I am more like 65.  The question is if he lives to be 100 how old will I feel then?  I need him so much and can’t imagine life without him.  I just wish that things could be a little different.  Specifically a little better mobility and have him pain free.  Younger and thinner would be nice too but I am willing to settle for minor progress.  Getting this bladder and balance issues under control would be nice too. 

Like the song says “I am ready for the times to get better”.  Hopefully, they will. 

So I see on Social Networking we (gays and those that support gay marriage) were supposed to change our profile pictures to this red = sign.  Very interesting the number of people that actually followed through.  Sorry I didn’t get the memo from headquarters.  I did hear that I am only one more recruit away from a free toaster.  Yes that was a joke. 

This is quite a week here in the US.  A full week of arguments on why the Supreme Court should legalize same sex marriage.  While the opinion won’t be out until June, you can bet that this issue won’t go away anytime soon. 

Lewis Black said to the effect that Gay Marriage won’t be resolved in our lifetime.  It will be the one argument that lives on and on.  Sort of like abortion.  Everyone has an opinion about everything.  You might say I am prejudice but I think same sex marriage isn’t a big deal.  It’s simple you have two people that love each other, let them marry and call it a day.

What are the ill effects of two same sex people in a committed relationship getting married.  None that I can think of.  It’s just like a traditional hetro marriage today.  They will laugh, have fun, enjoy meals, take trips, get sick, get angry, go to the bathroom and do everything as a “normal – hetro-sexual” couple would.  They won’t make any babies, they might adopt or have no kids at all.  The truth is that it’s just a piece of paper that grants some additional legal rights, tax breaks, etc.  America the land of the free, the home of the brave.  Liberty & Justice for all.  What’s the argument?  Grant the rights…we deserve it because we are no less a human because of our sexual preference.  Stay tuned to this summer to hear what the Court has to say.

Life going back to normal, hopefully.  So I will wrap this up.  Do some surfing, take up his laundry & make his bed.  Then snack time for the kids and get ready for tomorrow, what I hope is a much more normal day.  Tosh.O is on tonight, so that’s something to look forward to.  The other thing to look forward to is my super fast machine at work is 1/2 way done.  Hopefully, I can get it done and move in to it tomorrow.  That would be awesome!

Have a good night and I will talk with you peeps later.

Buried

I woke up this morning and we just had a small dusting.  My guy had been watching the news and said that if you hear thunder you are going to get dumped on.  As he is telling me this boom, boom.  Yep thunder.  We haven’t had many Thunder Snows here but they are kind of fun.

That was the turning point for us, we decided to get some clothes on and get moving.  We went out for a bite to eat at Cracker Barrel.  Then it was off to the grocery store.  I had to brush the snow off of my car so that we could get out of the parking lot.  The windows were covered.  This is a wet snow so it sticks to everything. 

We made it through the store and got home in one piece with out any problems.  I let my guy off in the driveway and then tried to pull in the garage.  I got stuck in my own driveway.  I had to back down and then floor it to get in the garage.  If it wasn’t for my cat like reflexes I would have hit his truck.  My poor car was all over the driveway. 

There were cancellations on the TV this morning for church.  I’ve never seen that happen, ever.  It would be smart to shovel the driveway some but I am not doing that.  It’s suppose to snow all night long and not quit until tomorrow morning.  I suspect that I will either be at home all day long OR I will work a short day.  Right now work is still on for Monday, but my hope is that they call it off.  Things look pretty crappy outside.  Besides that if they do call it off, then I may consider shoveling – just hopefully I don’t have a stroke in the process.  That is hard work and me and manual labor aren’t exactly best pals.

-Sexual thoughts….

What is post if I don’t talk about guys.  Well at Cracker Barrel there is the uber cute host, his body isn’t the best but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.  I’ve been using my detective skills to try to find him on the web.  All I have is his first name and obviously where he works.  Damn, very tough.  After 2 hours I just gave up.  I figure that I have better things to do.  There is a guy at the grocery store that stocks produce, I have had my eye on him for a long time.  Today I hear where he lived.  I took his first name and that information – presto I found him.  The best part is there are shirtless pictures.  Oh, how I love that.  He is young but old enough to be legal.  I’m only dreaming, as much as I would like a younger guy or a cute guy I haven’t got the balls to try to approach someone.  Besides that I wouldn’t want to hurt my partner but he says as long as I share it wouldn’t bother him.  Yeah, not everyone is up for a way.

Considering that we are at the end of the month, I decided to up date the look of the blog.  I rather like the photo and background.  I found the photo by visiting one of my regular reads.  I hope you like the new look.  If not, stay tuned because it’s always changing.

I decided to vacuum the basement today, first time in about 2 months that has happened.  Needless to say I had to empty the canister multiple times.  I also changed the furnace filter.  The basement smells so much better now.

I also finished up laundry, still have to take that upstairs and empty the litter boxes (upstairs) but outside of that and making my lunch my work is done.

I got a bad surprise when we got back from the store.  I went to start laundry and came in to my office for a second.  Everything was powered off.  I thought it was strange last night that I didn’t see my PC show up on my TiVo but figured the machine needed to be rebooted.  Nope the UPS was off and so was everything connected to it.  I couldn’t get it to power back on.  I had to unplug it, remove the batteries, press the power button and then plug it back in.  It worked.  So I had to unplug it and put the batteries in then plug it back in and all is good.  Then I decided to see what it would do with my PC if we actually lost power.  So I unplugged it and watched it – everything worked like it was supposed to.  Great.  I plugged it back in and it didn’t see the AC Power.  It kept beeping.  I figured a quick bounce of the power to the whole house would fix it and I was right.  Too bad my partner lost a document in the process.  Now everything is back to normal again.  I have some doubts if this will fail again or if this was just a one time fluke.  I suppose time will tell.

Supper was Taco Bake it didn’t taste nearly as good as the first time.  That’s because the chef decided on his own recipe instead of buying the kit.  We have left overs.  It’s a little too spicy he used too much seasoning in the meat.  However, it was good.  The cats were begging for some so I gave it to them, they came back for more and then it was time to hit the water fountain.  I sware BLU and his buddy will eat anything.  I guess that comes from being outside. 

I did the dishes and I am getting ready to get that shower that I didn’t get last night.  I have had GI Upset from too much Diabetes medication.  But my sugar was really under control last night.  Too bad I forgot to take my sleeping medicine, otherwise it would have been a really great night.  Well I have to get moving and plan on going to work, even though I suspect it probably won’t happen. 

Here’s to a good week.  Be safe and stay warm.  I’m headed to the showers and then to watch guess what…. that’s right Shameless!  Talk with you peeps later.