23 April 2017


Well I finished 13 Reasons last night.  I was up until around midnight but was thankful to get through the series.  I wish something like this would have been around when I was in high school.  It would have helped a lot of kids I think.  I don’t recall anyone taking their own life when I was in school.  There was a girl who was murdered on campus, after hours.  There was another kid that I had class with that went home sick and asphyxiated on his own vomit.  There were a few other deaths that took place mostly from disease.  It’s tragic when anyone dies but more so when it’s a young person.  I understand the pain because I have experienced it myself both as a teenager and as an adult.  Throw in the gay factor and that just amps up the pain.  Despite wanting many times to cash out, I am still here. 

Now I am trying to be productive with my day but I just want to go watch more TV and I am going to give in.  I am working on laundry but know that a nap will be coming on soon.  I am pretty much on track for the weekend as it stands. 

I did some research on PrEP which is a medication for HIV negative people to take to build up protection against HIV.  It’s what all of the players, as in guys who have hookups are taking.  It’s interesting how it works.  I decided to see what my insurance would cover if I asked my doctor for it.  Much to my surprise I’ve got good coverage.  90 days would cost me $85.00 but the plan would wind up paying over $213 thousand dollars for a years supply.  That is one freaking expensive medicine.  It’s all because there is no generic and the brand name has a patent.  The manufacture is reaping the profits from it.  Kind of makes me wish I had a medicine to patent.  If you want the medicine an HIV test is mandatory and you have to get tested while your on the drug.  There is a 1% infection rate, meaning that the medicine protects 99% of the guys who take it, but there is still 1% that get infected.  Plus this drug won’t protect you from other STD’s, just HIV.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, 5 minutes of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of pain.  I don’t see the need for me to start taking this drug, considering my sexual history consists of self pleasure.  Now if I wanted to start playing the field then it would be a different story.  While it sounds nice to have meaningless sex I think psychologically it would hurt me, especially so if I wanted to be with the same guy but he only wanted a one time fling. 

I swore off technology, with the exception of streaming Netflix from around 10p last night until I woke up this morning.  I powered off my PC and shut my smart phone down.  It was tough I wanted to fiddle with something and check on my on-line dating.  However, the break was refreshing.  It’s something that I force myself to do from time to time.  No one is going to call me, text me or send me anything of importance if I am not on-call for work.  I don’t hide the fact that I don’t have many friends but it’s not something I am proud of either.  I’d love to change that but that may or may not happen. 

Well back to the laundry and my Sunday adventure.  Thought about washing the car but checked the forecast and there is rain in the works.  Why waste money when nature will take care of it for me?  I just wish nature had a spot free rinse.  That would be the best. 

I want to rearrange my desk at work and move everything around.  It would easily take me an hour.  I have thought about going into do that but hell I’ll be there tomorrow.  Plus I have to change my password.  Trying to think up a new password is a challenge and with all of the systems I have to touch that process can be 45 minutes to an hour just to update every system.  I wish more of our systems would use SSO which is known as Single Sign On, meaning you only need 1 password and not 100 passwords.  There is construction taking place today on my normal route to work and the cops have made it clear they will be out in force to make sure no one is speeding.  I am sure I’d get a ticket and rearranging my desk is not worth a speeding ticket.  So like I said back to my Sunday adventure. 

Having left over pizza and also heating up a casserole because there won’t be anything left for a quick dinner on Monday.  I always look forward to Sunday leftovers on a Monday.  It’s like one of the better things to happen on a Monday. 

Talk with you again soon.

22 April 2017

New Obsession

I’ve seen seeing posts about 13 Reasons and didn’t know what it was, until I stumbled across it on Netflix.  From the moment I saw the first episode I was hooked.  It has become my new obsession.  Each episode is one hour and it’s really intense.  This morning I was watching an episode about to fall asleep when something happened and it made me become wide eyed awake.  This is pretty intense and I am eager to see how it all plays out.  Looks like this might be a new series for Netflix they have this labeled as season one.  If this is something that drags on forever I will be sorry that I got involved.  Right now it’s interesting and is evoking a lot of thoughts and emotions from me.  Some good and some bad. 

I did manage to take a break and get my hair cut.  I also talked myself in and out of and then back into going to get pizza.  Saw the cute guy but he didn’t wait on me and I waited far too late in the day to stop by.  The place was packed.  I got something different this time and it was just as enjoyable as my first visit.  Looks like this is my new pizza place and since it’s only a 1/2 hour from home it’s nice to go in a different direction and get a change of scenery.  The car enjoyed the ride as well.  Now if we could get rid of all of the pollen so my black car was actually black instead of covered with this yellow haze.  Ick. 

Big boy was trying my patience this morning and being a shit.  His sister joined in to double team me and then Marv started.  3 against 1 isn’t fair play.  I poured a slight amount of water on Big Boy and that ended the whole damn thing.  He scurried out of my room in disbelief that I did that.  He’s been playing me all week long when it comes to food time.  I have had my fill of it.  He can’t communicate in a language I understand as for what flavor of food will be enjoyable.  We communicate in other ways on other things but that one is a tough one to break through.  Everyone is doing fine and all is forgiven or so I think.

I slept in my late partners bed last night, after watching 13 Reasons it just felt like the right thing to do.  I jabbered away at him before I fell asleep.  I woke up and my shoulders and neck are all messed up.  Maybe that bed isn’t so good for me or maybe I just need new pillows.  Either way I think I will be trying to stick to my own bed tonight.  Might have to kick some kids out but so be it.  I figured I would wake up feeling great. 

Breakfast was eaten by all at home this morning.  I typically go out but thought I would save my money for pizza.  Going out for breakfast tomorrow and doing the usual grocery shopping.  Typical Sunday, oh boy just can’t wait.  I was being sarcastic there. 

Gay dating has been just as trying.  I got liked by two fake profiles.  Guys that I know are porn stars and based in CA but yet the app shows they are within mere miles of me.  Doubtful.  I rejected both and reported them.  Don’t understand why people have to be fake.  I saw a cute younger guy and we matched, started a conversation.  Turns out his profile was fake as well, he was a porn model and allegedly was looking to hook up and then said we could date and he would do whatever I just had to sleep with him tonight.  Yeah, uh no I am not falling for that one.  Go meet someone that I have no idea what they look like because of a fake profile photo.  The next thing you know you’d never hear from me or if you did I would be writing a sad story.  I may look dumb but I am not stupid.  Still looking for Mr. Right but in a few short weeks my subscriptions will all end and then this will come to an abrupt halt or so that is the plan at the moment. 

My grass has been cut each and every week this month.  My contract is for bi-weekly service.  I will admit it looks like having it done every week but it’s something that I just can’t afford.  I thought about saying something but I am going to wait for the bill to arrive, he may catch his mistake and eat it or he could just invoice me for bi weekly service and I will get lucky.  I am hoping for that but realize that I will likely get a bill for all 4 weeks of service, at which point I will protest.  I won’t say this up front but I am willing to pay for 1 extra week but that is as much as I will budge.  It’s not my fault you told your people to do the work when we contracted for something different.  I am also still waiting on the bushes and trees to be trimmed. 

Well off to take care of laundry and then backup stairs to watch the next episode of my obsession.  I still have pie left so might as well have some of that to enjoy with the TV show.  I really hope that I can cram in the rest of the series tonight.  I need to be productive at some point and tomorrow is fine for that. 

Hope all is well in your world.  Take care.

20 April 2017

Dating Frustration

Found 2 guys on Grindr that were appealing.  Reached out to both of them.  One guy answers back tells me he’s sorry but he is seeing someone but he can be my friend.  Okay I can always use another friend.  I responded back and thanked him for his response.  Not sure if I will hear from him again.  It would have been nice if he updated and/or deleted his profile.

This afternoon I got an alert that someone liked me on an app..  I checked him out and chose to match with him.  I got a message within minutes.  Keep in mind my profile on all of the sites I am on, list what I am looking for.  We did the pleasantries and when we got into the conversation he was looking for someone to score with now.  He asked me what I was into.  I told him not a 1 night stand.  That was fine with him.  I wrote back and asked him if that was a deal breaker.  He responded with Kissing, Cuddling and Fucking.  A simple yes would have done just fine.  I didn’t bother to respond and blocked him. 

It is tempting to take some of these guys up on their offers, I mean I’d like a man.  However, 5 minutes of pleasure could easily wind up causing me a lifetime of pain and I don’t have time for that.  Prep is really popular but not something that I want to start on.  I have no reason to be on it and from what I understand once you start taking it, you can’t stop.  You also have to be religious about taking it each and every day.  There are no skip days.  Hell everyone needs a skip day from something or someone. 

This is kind of depressing and makes me want to give up.  I am ready for a break.  People don’t read, aren’t respectful and often don’t respond.  I just don’t get it. 

Last night before I left work I had to use the restroom, when I came back to my desk to get my things to walk out my desk phone was ringing off the hook.  It was the car attorney.  They apparently can’t read English.  I asked for a licensed attorney to deal with going forward.  They had the fuck up for a case manager call me and tell me they want to settle.  Yeah I guess you do, especially since they are likely hiding something from me and I just came right out and told them, that I thought there were multiple ethics violations occurring.  It would be easier to be transparent with me instead of trying to duck and dodge when I ask a question or am looking for documents. I have no plans to return the call.  If I am stuck dealing with this idiot then I prefer everything be in writing that can be letters back and forth or an email, makes no difference to me.  I just don’t trust these people any longer. 

I noticed this morning when it was time to take my morning pills that the T for Thursday slot was empty.  Apparently I took them last night instead of taking my evening pills.  That would explain why my balance is all out of sorts.  I’ve got way too much blood pressure medicine flowing through my system along with other things that are only meant to be taken 1 time a day.  I was flustered with Big Boy last night and apparently my auto pilot instincts were wrong and I inadvertently crashed the plane but didn’t know it until this morning.  Got to be more careful.  I found myself in thought when I was driving in, suddenly I was thrust into reality and became aware of my surroundings.  It was scary because I didn’t remember traveling to where I was.  It was like a time warp.

Speaking of traffic.  Last night I was making a left turn to go home.  It’s at an intersection with traffic lights.  I had the right of way but there is a guy on a trike coming from the other direction.  He notices a gap in traffic and sees that I am about to pull out, so he speeds up with the hope of preventing me from moving.  I called his bluff and even stopped and stared at him for a moment before he had to slow down.  He was pissed and foaming at the mouth.  I just smiled and drove on.  Don’t fuck with me, I should make a bumper sticker and put it on the front and back of my car.  I know that would only serve to entice people but if your going to play with the bull, you have to prepare to get the horns.  We all know I am horny!

On that note it’s back to work.  Lots of drama today, ready to go home and see my kids.  Curl up on the couch and call it a day.  Last Thursday was much more fun!

19 April 2017

Fixed it on my own

Ever since I got my new router the speed issue has bothered me.  I have tinkered with it here and there.  Last night my tinkering paid off.  I’ve got a UPS (Uninterruptable Power Supply) for my Cable Modem & Wireless Router.  It offers surge protection for a network connection and I was using it.  Turns out that when I stopped using that, my issue of speed has resolved.  I now get my gigabit speed and the blazing fast 100mpbs that my cable provider is charging me for.  Wow, it’s like  whole new world.  I even get that same speed on my mobile phone when it’s on WIFI.  Videos play faster, updates take less time and I am way more happier.  Should mean less buffering issues when I watch a movie, not that I had a lot of them but it would come up on occasion. 

The thing that has me perplexed now is WIFI, before the signal strength was awesome, now it’s just okay.  I had to unhide my SSID because of my car but out side of that nothing has changed.  I opened my guest WIFI Network to see how it would work, yuk I don’t like that at all.  There is a flaw in the way it was designed and even though you set a password, anyone can get on and start surfing to their hearts content.  I shut that down quicker than you can say turn it off now.  If you don’t have your WIFI Network protected with a password, you are asking for trouble.  All it takes is for someone to borrow your signal to surf kiddy porn or do something illegal, get caught and when the IP Address is exposed it comes back to you.  Even though you had no knowledge you can still be charged.  It’s happened to several people.  So password protect your network if your not doing so already. 

My co-worker is out sick today, she came back yesterday but it was too soon.  Today she is paying the price for that.  I expect she will return tomorrow but from the way it sounds she should call it a week, stay home and rest up.  So she is better and ready to go on Monday.  Probably wouldn’t hurt her to go to the doctor, who could likely speed things along, but that’s her call.  If things are as bad as she tells it, and it were me I’d be at the Doctor and not playing with Nyquil.  I am getting hammered with requests but it’s okay makes the day move faster.  Some how people figure out when she is out and that is usually when all of the weirdness starts to appear.

In fixing my network issue I managed to do something to my lower back.  It hurt like hell when I got up in the middle of the night.  Still hurts now and my body told me to stay home.  Funny thing as I was checking my mail this morning and contemplating taking the day off, that’s when I got the email that my co-worker would be out.  I figured well you have to go in now.  I didn’t but it’s far better that I pushed myself to make it in. 

Ah, Wednesday I’m done with being on-call.  Not too many issues to deal with.  I get a break now for the rest of this week and all of next, then it will be back to it.  I am really looking forward to the weekend and going to eat some pizza and stare at a cute guy, ah the drool is forming as I speak.  Speaking of cute guys, I saw one last night on Grindr.  The profile really spoke to me, were looking for the same thing.  My brain said mark him as a favorite and reach out later.  My little voice said, message him now.  So I sent a message and guess what just like all of the others, he didn’t bother to respond.  It makes me feel that I am defective and doing something wrong.  I am ready to call it quits, watch my porn and call it a day.  However, I may take a break but I doubt that I will give up my search entirely although it’s very tempting.  You can’t get hurt if your not looking.  There is also a contractor that just started working for us, I checked him out long before he started.  Young but looks pretty good.  We met the other day and it was semi-awkward.  He seemed really shy.  He came in the bathroom this morning and was checking himself out in the mirror.  He’s trying to impress someone but I don’t know who.  He was looking at his ass in the mirror and I fully expected him to ask me if the pants he had on made his ass look fat.  He didn’t utter a single word.  I finished up washing my hands and went back to work, thinking wow.  He’s kind of hot.  I would like to make a pass and see what happens.  I mean that’s the thing about IRL (In Real Life) when your face 2 face, you can’t just ignore the other person.  You figure out real quick if they like you, they are offended or if they are mad and going to pummel you. 

In the cat department, Big Boy is continuing his being picky about what he eats.  He’s just doing it to fuck with me because he knows I’ll crumble.  We spent time together last night on the couch.  He’s also back in the habit of sleeping with me, just like old times.  Marv comes in and we all go to sleep.  That is except for last night.  I turned off the lights and Marvin found his ball and he was playing.  He has to crow when he plays.  I thought he wanted out and got up to open the door, nope he was playing.  I laid back down and it took a bit but I got to sleep.  I was up in the middle of the night a couple times and wound up kicking him out.  He likes to stay close to his brother.  Those two really have quite the bond and I am so jealous of that but I also admire it at the same time.  The girls follow suit but they get all emotional and get pissed at each other often.  The boys, just play it out and it’s done.  I like that then again I am a guy. 

That leads me into my next segway.  When I was having my blood drawn there are new questions by law that they have to ask you.  First, what sex were you born.  Second, what sex do you identify as.  Third, what is your gender pronoun.  I get it but seriously never thought these questions would be so mainstream and they would be so frank about asking.  It’s kind of a bit invasive and I can see it causing some people discomfort.  Like the 85 year old man or the 85 year old woman.  Wowza!

Well back to it, lunch is done and it’s back to the salt mine.  Hope all is well and that the sun is shining in your world. 

17 April 2017


One good thing happened.  I managed to score a nice deal on TV & Home Phone Service with AT&T.  I went back to the plan I had before I made changes and got my Showtime back.  They threw in the cost of the receivers and HD.  My bill dropped like $30.  This deal is called ALL IN and it’s apparently a hidden special.  I worked with the Office of the President to get it.  Still just have TV & Home Phone with them.  The drop they gave me will help make up for the increase I am getting from my ISP so it all works out.  Best part is the deal is good for 2 years, so I don’t have to have this hash it out conversation again next year.  I really like that.  The downside is if I cancel it costs $180.  I am not a fan of contracts or term limits but I think this deal works to my advantage.  A penny saved is a penny you can spend some place else. 

One of the guys I work with is out today.  The Snatch I work with called in, there was some drama last week so I am guessing she is sick of her job and not ill at all.  Don’t know and don’t care, it’s bliss here.  Got a little crazy this morning trying to get back into the swing of things and we had our usual uptick for a Monday but it’s all down hill from here. 

So I had this rouge device on my WIFI.  I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I’d kick it off and it would come right back.  Decided to change up my WIFI SSID & Password.  The damn thing still came back.  So now my challenge was figuring out what it was.  Turns out it was my iPhone.  Not sure how it got a different name because I know what it’s real name is, after all I am the one who set it.  I decided to be clever and hide my SSID.  The only challenge that presents is for my car.  It can’t find a hidden network.  So I have enabled my Guest Network, which is segmented off from the rest of the network and is perfect.  I have it limited to 5 connections, you can’t go lower than that sadly.  When I get home and pull into the driveway, I’ll be testing to see if that fixed it. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  When I started labeling things last night in the router, I thought of another test I can do to check speed.  So tonight I am unplugging all of the wired devices and turning off the WIFI, then I’ll run my speed test.  I am interested to see what that yields.  There are wired devices that I just can’t drop but I am interested to see what happens.  One of them is my Magic Jack which I got for dating.  Well since the dating life hasn’t been so abundant with suitors, I will be dropping that once it expires.  Plus they tack on extra fees, it’s still cheap phone service, just money I don’t need to spend. 

Speaking of dating, I was chatting with this guy who was slow to respond.  He finally dumped me.  We never had anything real to say, we were still very much in the breaking the ice stage of things.  That is what is awkward, you find a new guy and start over and the process repeats it’s self.  It is horrible to repeat the same task over and over, it has to play out that way I have found.  If I am myself and just chat I somehow manage to scare guys away.  Don’t know what’s up with that.  I am a charming fellow and I don’t come on strong.  Apparently holding a conversation is a lost art in the dating world.  I don’t know how these people manage to function in society.  While I hope someone meaningful comes along the longer this drags on the less my hope is.  Looking forward to being a regular user.  Right now I feel as if I am a slave because I paid for a service so I have to use it or it’s a waste of money. 

A couple more hours and then it’s home to the last of the left over pizza.  I liked the place on FB and left a rave review.  They loved the PR.  Now I wish I would have put in a word about the cute guy who took care of me.  Ah, well I’ll be back for more pizza and eye candy.  Outside of my network testing, nothing special planned for tonight.  I’m on call tonight and tomorrow.  Then I will be free for a bit.  I always look forward to that. 

Hope all is well in your world.  Come back and I’ll fill you in on more of the happenings in my world.  Take care and be well.

15 April 2017


Last night I was giving Big Boy some fluids.  He wasn’t making any urine so I thought I would help things along.  I had to change needles, did a test run and the fluid was flowing.  I went to stick him, the needle went right through him and into my thumb.  I stabbed myself.  Fuck that hurt.  Thankfully everything was sterile and nothing bad happened to my thumb.  Although I have the strong desire to chase birds now.  Just kidding. 

Went for Pie yesterday and had a decent time.  I enjoyed the drive.  The traffic was crazy once I got to town, so I opted to get in and get out.  I was supposed to look for food for Big Boy and I had plans on hitting up Staples, but it was food, pie and scram.  On the way up I saw a pizza place that advertised Chicago Style Pizza.  I did my research when I got home.  Momma Mia it looked so good. 

Went to the pizza place today.  The place was empty when I walked in, then people started flocking in.  That always used to happen when me and my late partner would visit a restaurant be it local or far away.  Anyway, this cute boy with blond hair greeted me.  Damn he was easy on the eyes.  I did my research on him when I got home and me thinks he’s gay.  He’s got to be in his 20’s if that.  So a little young but I’d happily take him to one of the hotels in the area and have my way with him.  He’s looks just as good as the pizza was.  I’ll be going back not only for the pizza but to look at him.  I also enjoyed the drive today. 

Did some speed testing this morning with my internet connection.  If I go through my router I don’t get the speed that I am paying for.  If I connect the modem straight to my PC, I get the speed I am supposed to and then some.  So I figured a gigabit router would cure this.  Boy was I wrong.  Not sure why but it’s not as fast.  I did make an improvement in WIFI service because my iPhone will go into WIFI Mode for the phone, which it only does when I am at work.  Streaming movies is much faster both on my phone and on my Roku’s.  I didn’t want to break the bank and found a router that was on sale at Best Buy for $79.99.  I thought about buying something more expensive but figured why spend the money.  Gigabit is gigabit.  I’ve combed through all sorts of settings and done some Googling but no such luck.  The setup process was easy but I had the hardest time trying to connect to my security camera.  Turns out my IP changed in the process. I’ve had the same IP for more than 4 years.  I don’t pay for a static IP so it’s subject to change at the will of my ISP.  The trick is finding out when that happens.  If they are going to start doing this regularly I will have to install a piece of software that will send me a text when the IP changes.  It’s pretty neat.  I can always connect to my home PC when I am away from home w/o knowing the IP.  I use a service instead of the built in VPN that is in my router.  From a security perspective it’s much safer because there is 2 Factor Involved.

Ah the dating world.  I’ve had some quick and I do mean quick chats with guys but no one knows how to hold a meaningful conversation.  I am still searching and trying to get a date but I don’t have high hopes for that happening.  Subscriptions will be expiring early next month and I have no plans to renew any of them.  I dropped close to $50 and I really don’t think that was a wise use of my money. 

Got all of my running done today, including grocery shopping.  I get to spend Easter at home.  My friends invited me down for Ham but I declined, just need a day to be me without any pressure for running.  The most I might do and probably won’t even want to is go to Target.  I’ve put it off for 2 weeks, what is one more week.  I am not out of anything that I am going to buy just stocking up. 

Waded through the mud that was my inbox at work last night.  Damn take 2 days off and you get 2,000 messages.  Well it wasn’t quite that bad I had several hundred.  Most of which were junk and useless.  More drama went down while I was out and I am glad that I missed it.  I know that I will hear all about it on Monday but really don’t want to.  More people coming and going, job security.  However, I was just all caught up and that is no longer the case now.  Ah well, you win some and you lose some.  Summer will bring on a flood of new people and then in a couple months they will all be gone, temporary workers.  If they do a good job they will be back in the Fall and hired on full time.  It’s like a try and buy. 

Saw that the lawn people were here today.  Our agreement was for every two weeks, now if he wants to cut it every week that’s fine by me, but I am only paying for 2 cuts not 4 in one month.  Plus the goober hasn’t sent back the signed contract for the bushes, they really need to be done.  Not that I am looking to spend my money but I’ve got it at the moment and have been holding it, I really want the work done so the neighbors don’t kick up a fuss.  Not to mention it will make my place look better. 

Momma was chasing after me to get up stairs.  I picked her up and told her this is my last night where I can stay up.  I am going to take advantage of it and I’ll be upstairs in a wee bit.  Who knows what that means but I am not leaving until I want to.  That little cat isn’t going to run my life tonight.  Every other night no problem but just not tonight.  Got flea medicine on her.  Still have to get Dragon Lady and trim her claws.  That is a challenge that is best left for tomorrow.  Let’s hope it goes off without a hitch. 

Finally, I got peeved enough and sent my pissed off letter to the attorneys that are handing the car case.  I either just bought myself a large legal bill and am about to get fired as a client or I have instilled fear into them.  I did offer an option to take the settlement that is on the table but most of the money goes to me and they only get a pittance, I mean don’t get me wrong I could use their share as well.  However, before we enter into any type of settlement they have to prove to me that there isn’t a larger offer on the table.  Shame I didn’t do this ahead of time but I did my research after the fact and found many unhappy clients.  Most of which got the run around and they stalled long enough that their cases had no merit.  That is exactly what they are trying to do with me.  They know the law but never told me what the requirements are for my state. Had they done that and not taken the case until I met that criteria I would likely have been able to settle this on my own and not have any worry.  Next week should bring about results good or bad.  After I mailed the letter I had second thoughts but after re-reading it I am standing by it.  It’s how I feel, I am pissed and unhappy with the service I have gotten.  One guy says this and then in a week or two, I get a different story.  We were supposed to be litigating this but that is not the case now.  I simply want it done and over with.  The car (knock wood) has been fine.  There are still issues periodically with the infotainment system, but they can be fixed with a master reset.  Since the weather has warmed I’ve had nothing but good luck.  The transmission is still jerky and hesitates but I don’t think the damn thing is going to fall apart on me.  I’d like to get rid of it if I could do that without incurring a huge loss but unless there is some magical different outcome that isn’t going to happen.  I will be driving this black bastard for a while.  I was thinking on my drives this weekend how fortunate I am to be able to afford a high end model of a car.  There were many positives I thought about, which helped drowned out the negatives.  So some sunshine and change of scenery was all I needed to help cure my blues. 

That’s a wrap.  Hope your all doing well.  Happy Easter!  Time for me to get hopping on to other things.  Be well and we will talk again next week.   

12 April 2017


As we approach Easter I am finding myself getting depressed.  I waffle between being okay and being depressed.  It was shortly after Easter 2013 that my Partner passed away.  I think that has a lot to do with it. 

I have also found myself in a battle with a couple of attorneys.  These are people I hired to represent me and they want to play games.  I have to have a cooling off period before I respond.  I have engaged friends that are also attorneys to help me with my response.  If I was going to send what I drafted I would print it on red paper because it’s red hot.  See that’s the problem when you fuck with a red head, you feel their temper.  We can all be angry but there is something extra special about it when your a ginger. 

One of these attorneys ruined my day yesterday and as a result I found myself making a bunch of mistakes.  Thankfully only one of them was critical, it was caught a spotlight was shined on it and then it was quickly swept under the rug.  Still I felt bad because I knew better.  My focus was on getting out of work and going home, plus dealing with the dating sites.  I heard my little voice when I was home sitting on the couch but I ignored it, which has always proven to be a bad sign.  You’d think I would learn but I was simply too exhausted and chose not to deal with it. 

Today I had a meeting with da boss and I opened up more to him about my family and the issues that I have encountered.  He was pretty surprised.  I was always told by others that he would over react and lose trust in me.  That doesn’t appear to be the case, in fact it appears to have brought us a little closer together.  We both concurred that I need some sunlight and me time.  Going for a drive to get out of the area will probably be very therapeutic.  I am looking forward to Friday. 

My friends that I celebrate the holidays with, reached out and invited me over for Easter.  I declined because I didn’t want to deal with them.  I appreciate the offer, but right now with the mood I am in, I think that being around them might do more harm than good.  I could be wrong but why risk it. 

So this is a free form for me to vent, that and documenting my day are how I use this site.  This is just me trying to blow off some steam and hopefully feel better.  I’ve been suicidal over the past few days.  I am smart enough to know not to do it.  Once again the only thing that is saving me is the cats.  No one on this earth, no matter how good they might be can take as good of care of my babies as me.  So they win and I get to stick around and hope that I can find some happiness in this drab world.  See what I mean about needing sunlight. 

Thankfully the work week is done for me, but I am on-call through the night.  Then again starting on Saturday morning.  So I get to press pause for a couple days and hopefully recharge.  Tomorrow the highlight of my day will be visiting the doctor.  I don’t plan on mentioning any of this to him.  However, if these feelings don’t flee from me and my mood change soon, I will reach out to him for help.  It really sucks to be depressed and it can run your whole life. 

I think I am down because not only the time of year but the fact that I am once again facing problem after problem.  Funny thing is I am on anti-depressants and for the most part they do their job.  Right now it’s just super stressful and nothing would make me feel better than to literally not physically rip someone's head off.  It would help greatly if that someone was an attorney. 

I have to liven this up so I’ll tell you about the highlight of my day.  This morning I was chatting with a secretary and telling her all about my momma’s blood results.  I mentioned Kidney disease and she said oh is she on dialysis?  I said no and if we get anywhere close to that I’ll dig a hole and bury her.  Then her eyes got as big as a half dollar and this look of extreme concern washed over her face.  She said this is your mother your talking about.  I said yes, my momma cat.  She thought I was talking about my mom.  That is the best thing that happened to me all day long.  Outside of a co-worker bringing me a coconut cake.  Wish it would have been a pie. 

In the dating world, I have paid access for 1 month for 3 different apps/sites.  I put in my profile that I want a guy who is local to my area.  Some bozo reach out to me, we started a conversation and next thing you know he is telling me he is in London.  Bye Felicia.  I ain’t got time for that.  I chatted up an attorney last night, I was running the conversation and finally paused and waited to see what he would have to say.  He said nothing.  I jumped off the site and when I got back on today, I blocked him.  If you can’t carry a conversation I don’t care what you do for a living, were not going to be a match.  I am a communicator, sometimes too much and sometimes too little but I still communicate.  I have found that I am coming on too strong with trying to be different.  If I stick with the usual Hi how are you?  that seems to lure them in to chat more.  Not that I have had any stimulating conversations.  My hope is that over the 3 sites I will be able to find someone within a month.  I’ve already cancelled the subscriptions so they don’t auto-renew.  After that I’ll just go back to being a free member but I kind of hope I can delete them all because I have no reason to be on them.  I know my Romeo is out there but finding him is growing old quickly.  Today I see myself alone for the rest of my life, tomorrow I could have a potential suitor. 

Well I am checking on a couple things and then headed to bed.  Momma is already looking at me funny, like hey stupid it’s time to get away from that box you like to stare at and get to bed.  I’ve told them I am off but it doesn’t register.  It will sink in tomorrow when I am home and just about the time I leave for the doctor they will all suddenly realize, oh dad’s home let’s hit him up for lunch before he scurries away, you never know when he will be coming back, we could be here starving for hours.  I’ll feed them, they will eat and then promptly fall asleep like they normally do when I am not here.  I see them on the camera, best ever animal thing I have ever purchased outside of prescription food. 

There you have it 1/2 of my week.  Let’s hope the other 1/2 goes better.  I’ll be back with an update if you will come back to see how I am doing.  Take care!