Tuesday

This morning I woke up to an e-mail from my doctors office regarding my blood work.  I logged on and wow, everything is kind of on the high side from my A1C to my Cholesterol.  I suppose I haven’t always made the healthiest of choices in the past 3 months, but take in to consideration my world was radically rocked and that might give me some wiggle room.  I am waiting to hear what the doc has to say, but I suppose it won’t be good news. 

I had my Chicken Pot Pie last night for supper, it was okay.  Tonight I am doing White Chicken Chili, with added cheese & sour cream.  Just because I can. 

The children are having a contest to see if they can get me back to the pet food store before the week is over with.  They are doing a pretty good job but I am not ready to cave just yet.  Everytime I turn around it’s feed us, were starving, food please.  Yeah well my bank account is saying the same thing but they won’t fill that up for me. 

Junk was the mail last night.  I am still eagerly awaiting the arrival of my check and my Birchbox.  The check I fully expect this week but it maybe next week as well.  I am not sure about Birchbox, but honestly if I get to pick I would want the check first.  There is at least one months mortgage payment and a Bankruptcy payment or two in there.  So it will go a long way to help me.

I only have a few days left on the Gay Dating site and I updated my profile.  I’ve gotten a couple hits, which is surprising but I declined both because they were my type of guys and lived to far away.  Would be nice if I could land me a Twink.  I figured that I should go out in style and who knows maybe the last few days will net me a good catch.  Only time will tell.  I know I am NOT ready for anything serious but if it happens, I can’t say that I would push away from it. 

I do miss the physical part, eating with someone and just daily living.  I don’t want someone to move in with me, that is way too much and too fast.  Having a dinner companion or someone to just hang out with would be nice.  An occasional hug would be nice as well.

Despite the circumstances I am starting to get accustomed to living alone.  There are perks to it, in that you don’t have to answer to anyone.  You also can’t blame anyone but yourself.  You can sleep in or do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.  No boss, no rules, just right sort of like Outback Steakhouse. 

I’ve been thinking about Saturday.  I need to clean the basement carpet, it’s horrible.  I thought about cleaning out the laundry room that is full of boxes and all sorts of crap but I really have to be in the mood for that.  I have thought about leaving the area and going for a favorite desert, but it’s kind of an expensive proposition.  Both from a time and money factor.  Not saying I won’t enjoy it, but it’s a long distance to travel by yourself.  It’s good for the car and the engine because my gas mileage always increases.  I am on the fence, will have to see how I feel come Saturday morning. 

I got engrossed in a letter I was writing last night, it was a fan letter to a fellow gay couple.  I wanted to reach out and tell them what I have been through and hopefully my story will motivate and/or help them to prepare for the future and what life holds.  You are far better being prepared for a partner passing with legal and financial protection in place than being caught off guard. 

I did manage to catch Suits last night.  Happy about that.  I struck a bet with a co-worker it was over how many times they would use GD (the cuss word) in the show.  I said 3 or more and she said 2 or less.  I lost and now I have to buy her lunch.  Not the worst thing in the world.  I just should have known not to bet, I lose way more than I win. 

Well back to the old salt mine.  Hard to believe it’s already afternoon.  Talk with you peeps later.

Tuesday

Last nights supper was Mac & Cheese and I finished off my desert from Sunday.  Not exactly a healthy meal but it sure was good.  Tonight I am thinking of Pot Pie slightly more healthy at least there are vegetables. 

I got another surprise in my bed last night.  Every time I put on my Royal Blue Sheets, Mr. Blu decides it’s time to pee on them.  I wanted to kill him.  So I slept without sheets and a comforter but at least I was able to sleep on the mattress pad that was nice.  I will have sheets tonight but probably no comforter, which is okay.  That cat needs surgery in the worst way.

I took the trash out last night.  My nosy neighbor was in her driveway putting around and she cleared her throat loudly as if she was expecting me to say something to her.  I just ignored her and went about my business.  She knows something is up but I am going to make her ask if she wants to know that damn bad. 

Boss man sure has his jet pack on today.  He is moving around here like a Tornado.  Word on the street is he will be gone for 2 weeks.  If it’s true that will make me one happy man.  The less I see and hear from him, the happier I am.  I know he will be asking about his computer sooner or later.  My goal is to try to get it done while he is out of the office.  That way he can come back to a nice new machine and hopefully have nothing to bitch about.  Each and every time I try to do the right thing around here it bites me in the ass so I am proceeding with caution.

I learned yesterday afternoon that we hired another new person.  She was here all morning long and they didn’t bother to introduce her to everyone until later in the day.  I had to ask what her full name was in order to get her accounts setup.  I hate the communication around here, no one says anything until the 11th hour and then everyone has to scramble to work.  What a company!

It’s colder here with rain falling this morning.  I enjoyed it yesterday even though the sun was out it was cooler. So the AC wasn’t blasting the kids out of their fur coats. 

I would like to invest in cameras for the inside of the house so I could check up on them during the day.  My guess is they are all sleeping but who knows for sure.  I want cameras on the outside as well but both of these have been wants for several years.  Maybe eventually I will be able to make them a reality but it’s not at the top of my list. 

The bushes need to be trimmed, the outside of the house is looking pretty ratty.  I honestly don’t care, no one is coming over and when the time comes I will have to part with $100 to get Lawn Boy to trim them.  I figure let them grow so he can really earn his money.  I haven’t seen him in about a year.  I remember planning time off at home on the weeks he would come by so I could peer out the window and look at his body.  Now it simple doesn’t matter.  If I happen to be home great, if not well so be it. 

I am surprised how my needs, desires and priorities have changed since my partners death.  I suspect there will be lots of changes to look forward to, some good and some not so good.

Well my helper is twirling her hair and making me look bad so I guess I should get back to work.  For all everyone knows I am working, just typing away.  I will be glad when my helper is gone, she is annoying as hell.  All I want to do is kill her, but I don’t let that show.  I figure one day I will probably loose it but I hope not. 

Talk with you peeps later.

Together Forever

Last night I watched an Oprah show that was filed at Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka’s home.  Neil said that he doesn’t like the word Partner so he calls David his Fiancé.  That is certainly different. 

Neil & David are a very loving couple, that came through crystal clear along with the fact they are loaded.  They have a very nice home and their children will be very happy. 

They had photos of them taken together as a couple that were shown when it was time to head to a break. 

While it was interesting to watch, it was yet another reminder that I am alone.  I thought I would have problems sleeping but that didn’t happen.  I am not overly sad about it.  I still wish I was David Burtka.  I am so jealous of him just because he snagged NPH.  I have a huge crush on Neil, but David isn’t bad looking either. 

I am certain that they will get married probably sooner rather than later.  It’s so awesome to see them together and they compliment each other very well. 

Over the weekend I logged on to a website that my partner used to chat with other guys and publish stories.  He had lots of compliments about his stories, but they were sexual in nature and not something that I can or will share.  I found a few people checking upon him and I had to write to them and break the news.  It seems like coming out is a never ending process, so is notifying people of a death.

I told our favorite Service Technician at the Car Dealer on Friday.  He was pretty taken back.  The one reaction I don’t like is when people say your kidding me.  Why would someone kid about death?  Especially when I am talking in a monotone voice, I sound somber because it’s depressing. 

I had no vitamins over the weekend and took just a multivitamin today.  Feet still hurt but they are getting better.  Not sure if I am on to something or if it’s just a coincidence.  I am hopeful that my body will let me know sooner rather than later. 

The children have dirtied the clean rug but that was to be expected.  I just hate that it gets dirty so quickly.  They are all doing reasonably well. 

The hard part for me is figuring out what is for supper.  I have no idea.  I’ve got plenty to choose from but just not sure what I am in the mood for.  A lot depends upon how the rest of the day goes.  We all know it will be something quick.

I got Shy Girls claws trimmed.  She let me work on one paw and when I was in the process of working on her thumb she bolted like no tomorrow.  I had to go chasing after her and she was not happy about it.  She went to the bathroom but I came prepared with towels so it was an easy clean up.  The claw trimmers broke on me but I made them work until I was done with her.  Then I sat down and fixed them, kind of proud of myself.  The little vixen doesn’t have to go through this again until the end of next month.  She was sticking in the carpet, so 6 weeks is just about the right amount of time.  I brushed her and got off tons of fur.  Plus she had some knots and I got those out as well.  She is all pretty now and we are friends again.  That is until it’s time to trap her next month. 

None of my furniture came in yet so no office move yet.  I suspect most if not all of it will arrive this week.  Once it’s here and assembled then I will get the fun task of moving.  Boss man will be leaving for vacation, it will be a week of fun around here or so I hope.  I like the relaxed atmosphere while he is gone.  Too bad that can’t happen all the time.  I can only hope he leaves and doesn’t return but that is almost like saying hurry back now. 

My helper is here she clearly doesn’t want to help with computers she is off doing some typing project.  She is here to help me but she really isn’t.

The union downloaded the signed agreement a short while ago, so I expect my check to be mailed out by tomorrow and hopefully it will arrive in time for the weekend.  Something tells me they are going to make me sign for it.  I kind of hope not because getting to the post office to provide my signature will be a bit of a challenge. 

I’ve got work stacking upon me so I should get back.  Not that I want to.  I’d rather be at home sleeping with the children.  Nap time is awesome and I am looking forward to it next weekend.  Nothing on the books for the weekend yet but give it time I am sure something will crop up.

Y’all take care and I will talk with you peeps later. 

Who is that guy?

  That guy is none other than Mike C. Manning.  His claim to fame was on MTV’s Real World Washington DC.  Mike is BI-Sexual and has developed into a GLBT Rights Activist, a Film Star and Director.  He’s got lots of talent and not to mention a very nice body.  If your interested in more of Mike you can probably find it out at his Website, which is http://www.mikecmanning.com/ 

It’s almost a new month and I figured while I was thinking of it, time to change up the blog. 

I have managed to sleep away most of the day.  I was up until like 1am.  I slept until 6, got up and fed the children.  Then I went back to bed in my partners room  I so love his mattress.  Had some strange dreams and when I woke up and looked at the clock it was a little after 11.  I decided it was time to get moving, even if I didn’t want to.

I managed to shave, shower and eat breakfast.  I fed the children again.  Then I hit up the grocery store, stopped by the gas station to top off my tank and came home.  I put away the groceries, cleaned my car windows and then came inside and sat on the couch.  Drank a nice cold bottle of H20 and looked at my phone and the children.  They tried to rub off their voodoo magic sleeping spell on me, but I didn’t let it work.  I am tired and could collapse but I have things to do.

So I came downstairs and am working on laundry (big surprise, I know) and cleaning up my office and my computer.  I tamed my e-mail which wasn’t easy.  Then I hit up all of the files on my desktop and got them organized and moved where they should be.  This working for a living and dealing with an Estate are two full time jobs.  However, I have some how managed to fit them both in to my schedule. 

I am heading out to a local Italian place to grab a bite to eat.  Lasagna, Garlic Bread, Salad and if I have room a piece of Carmel Crunch Cake if not I will bring it home and have it later.  Then I have to finish up laundry, pack my lunch and prep for tomorrow.  Yuk.  It will be the downhill slide.

Speaking of slides, last night Big Boy was at the top of the steps, laying peacefully.  I said good night to him.  Went in to my room and was taking care of my happy ending.  I was in the middle when I heard this noise.  Talk about killing the moment.  Well, he apparently rolled over in his sleep and fell down the stairs.  He was quite startled.  He didn’t want to get up, which concerned me.  So I stayed with him for a bit and comforted him.  Eventually I got him to stand up and I carried him back up.  I put him in my door way and left the door open all night.  I was worried that he broke something or hurt himself but thankfully it appears he is okay.  It was more of a scare.  I hope he doesn’t lay by the steps anymore but something tells me he will. 

So much for a dull moment around here.  Right now it’s very quiet and I could easily drift off into sleep.  However, I am going to get my big bony ass up and go grab that bite to eat.  You all take care and I will talk with you peeps later.  

Ye old update

L & G – I hope your all doing well.  Friday was truly a day off for me, but I had so much running to do and things got added to my schedule last minute.  Thankfully everything came together.

I met with the Estate Attorney and we executed a document that will give me legal power to act on my partners estates behalf.  This was mainly done in case the union didn’t want to cooperate.  The document gives me surviving spouse benefits from the estate and I hold a priority claim, which means I would be paid first.

As we were executing the document I received word via e-mail from the union, they have no problem converting the check and tax reporting to my name.  All of the other conditions are the same.  I printed out the document and had it notarized on Friday.  A copy has been sent to the union and now they have to get a check in the mail.  Can’t wait until that arrives.  I will certainly make a copy and might even frame it.  Damn that was a lot of fucking work!  Glad it paid off.

I have prepared my dismissal motion.  I will be running it by an attorney friend of mine.  I think I might have to take time off to file the motion with the court but I am going to ask if I can’t just mail them a copy.  I mean is it about money or what? 

I learned from the Estate Attorney that we can open an Estate at any time but it will probably cost me $3 thousand to do it.  Not something that I feel I need or want at this time.  However, there may be a need for it in the future.

My car checked out perfect, oil changed and tires inflated and rotated.  Were back on the road.  I’ve been all over the place yesterday and today.  I thought about making a trip for you know what but talked myself out of it.  Might do it tomorrow if I am really bored.  I’ve got most of my Sunday work done, with the exception of laundry and cleaning the basement.  I shampooed the carpet upstairs today, clean up was a bitch just like last time.  I even vacuumed ahead of time, didn’t help much.  Fur was everywhere.  Ick.

Made it to the doctor and they had me down for a physical, all I was aware of was blood work.  I wasn’t prepared for the additional pain of having him play with my nuts and ass.  Thankfully he didn’t.  We talked and I told him about my partner.  He told me about his dad.  We both share in common that we lost someone this year because we were forced to make a choice to remove life support.  His dad was in a car accident and on life support for a month.  It really sucks to have to make that choice but you have to know in your heart that you did all you could and your decision was the right move, it is what they would have wanted.  I am not saying it’s easy to live with the reality.  My issues aren’t with the decision but the fact that he passed away and we can’t make any more memories together. 

So I told the doc about my feet and he said that it sounded like Neuropathy but he said your pretty young to get that.  He tested my reaction to see if I could feel light touch, it was a little difficult but I did feel it.  He thinks there might be some nerve damage from when I whacked my foot over a year ago but a year is pushing it.  This might get better and might not.  His diagnosis prompted me to do some investigating and research.  I think I have been unknowingly poisoning myself.  If you have high levels of certain B vitamins you can cause Neuropathy.  I’ve been taking a multi vitamin plus a B complex stress vitamin.  Together I get loads of vitamins but I think some might be in the toxic level.  I skip them on the weekend and other than feeling tired, life is okay.  So I am trying an experiment and cutting back to just a multivitamin to see if that does the trick.  I can only hope that if this is the cause that I haven’t done permanent damage.  My guess is in a week or two I should know.  That should be long enough for my body to get rid of anything that has built up.  The doc took blood and I should have the results next week.  I have managed to gain weight, just a couple pounds.  With the change in my diet and stress hormones kicking in, it’s no wonder I am up.  Hopefully I can manage to not blow up like the Good Year Blimp!

I had my meeting today with the Bankruptcy attorney.  Turns out that while my guys attorney lacks on how to treat people and to explain things in simple terms, the advice he has given me is unfortunately correct.  So I am better off letting a sleeping rabid dog lye than kicking him and stopping the case.  If I kick the dog (metaphor referring to the creditors) it will bite me for sure.  In other words they will take the house.  I am far better off just paying the monthly extortion money and letting the case complete normally at which time the creditors will have no legal claim.  The part that sucks is this will take another 36 to 40 months to complete.  Really! 

I talked with the mortgage company on Friday.  They needed more paperwork, what a surprise!  I got that completed and sent in.  They wanted my name on some of the paperwork, despite the fact that my name is NOT on the mortgage.  Hell I will do most anything they want, I just need to get this process completed so they payments are lowered.  Then hopefully making the mortgage payment and the bankruptcy payment will be more affordable. 

I had dinner with my friends at the expensive place they wanted to go.  The food was crap, I said it was okay but it’s not someplace I will be going back to, unless it’s with them and they are paying.  Yuk!  I did have a good time and got them all caught up on what has been going on.

I’ve gotten some hits from the Gay Dating Site.  Guys that want to meet me.  Yeah, they are guys I don’t want to meet just based on looks and habits I see in their profiles.  I did update my profile and hit on a couple of guys, we shall see if anything comes of it.  However in a couple weeks my subscription will end.  Unless I manage to find Mr. Right in a short period of time I will be done with the on-line dating scene for now.  Not to say I won’t come back to it but paying for a service well that is something that I will think twice before I act.  There are some cute guys on this site but I doubt they want an old man like me.  In gay years 41 is like your 70…most people think of you as dead.  I want a younger guy or someone in my age bracket. 

Speaking of subscriptions, I signed myself up for Birchbox.  It’s a site that sells grooming products and clothes.  Guys can get a monthly subscription where they gather up samples of stuff you like, based on your profile for $20 per month.  Gals you can get in for $10.  If your interested put a .com after Birchbox and check it out.  I saw an advertisement of them during Suits this past Tuesday.  I can’t wait until the first box arrives.  It’s like paying to get a present.  The anticipation builds until it finally arrives.  Then I just hope it’s stuff I will actually use. 

Oh I cooked 2 hamburgers today on the George Foreman Grill.  Super easy but the grease tray wasn’t positioned properly so I had a little mess to clean up.  Outside of that all was good.  I looked in the freezer tonight and man, it’s like I went on vacation last week.  There is plenty of food for next week.  However, I will be getting some more White Chicken Chili, that was good stuff and maybe even some Sour Cream to go with it.  Damn I am making myself hungry.

So I was looking through Pay Per View and I am proud to say that my cable company now offers Gay Adult Pay Per View Porn.  I never ever thought I would see the day when I could get a porn movie from the comfort of my living room.  Some are new but mostly it’s old stuff and there isn’t a whole lot of choices.  Just thought it was interesting that it was there.  I didn’t order anything.  I really want to watch The Call, it’s about a 911 call and the movie has Holly Berry in it.  However, they want $6 to watch it and I am thinking well I will just wait until the DVD comes out or it’s available on Netflix.  Unless I am really content starved I don’t think I will be giving in even if it’s only $6.

So time to call it a night.  Momma and company need their medicine and I am about ready to pass out for the night.  Talk with you peeps later.

1 2 3 4 Pressure

I got the agreement from the union.  However, they want to report to the IRS under my partners SSN and make the check payable to his estate.  Doing this would cause me to have to fork over all of the money to the Bankrtupcy Court, it wouldn’t be my money, it would be his estates money.  The way around this is to have them use my SSN and make the agreement and check out in my name.  Now doing this would also cause them to recognize the fact that I am his spouse, something they were trying to avoid.  They would still have the same insulation/protection but I am not so certain that they will agree to this.  However, the alternative means they have to fork out money for a response and we would wind up in court.  Then it is a roll of the dice.  I anticipate winning but there is always a chance that I wouldn’t.  If I did then they would have to pay all of my expenses in addition to the settlement.  If I loose I think I would be on the hook for their court costs plus legal fees, which could put me further in the hole.  So for everyone’s sake it’s best that they just replace the documents with my name and were all good.  Stay tuned, time will tell.

I’ve got this helper here at work.  She is a relative of our attorney.  She was brought in to help with a project that was supposed to take 3 to 4 weeks.  She finished it in less than one day.  What a machine!  So I was asked to have her try her luck with machines.  Well the poor thing is dumb when it comes to computers.  She bragged that she had an excellent memory.  Yet after I trained her she had nothing but constant questions.  I couldn’t get my work done and had to baby sit her.  I have to endure this for another week.  I only hope that she gets better.  If not I am going to cut her loose.  I hate to do that but it will be more beneficial to me.

I was informed yesterday that I am moving to a bigger office.  It’s actually a small conference room that is being turned into an office for me, so that I can spread out more.  I got to make a wish list of things that I wanted and did just that.  It will cost a small fortune but I will be getting a new chair and much needed storage space that locks.  I will be giving up a desk but gaining a large conference room table.  I will also be giving up the beautiful view I have, but I will still have windows.  I will just be able to look at other buildings, but if I look down I can still see the street and how traffic is doing.  So there are pro’s and con’s but the pro’s out weigh the cons.  I actually came up with the idea to move but I never said a word.  The office manager came to see me yesterday and suddenly she decided that it was time for me to move, presto it was approved in nothing flat.  Personally, I would just as soon stay in the broom closet I am in and get a larger increase on my check.  However, I guess it’s take what you can get.  Like I said the other day I don’t have plans of staying here forever.  Might as well be comfortable.

I have been drowning in work trying to catch up.  Thankfully my little helper isn’t here today.  So I actually got something accomplished.  However, I had plenty of interruptions.  The day is about an hour and a half away from ending and I am so thankful.

I am off tomorrow and have my date with a vampire as well as the car dealer.  Not exactly looking forward to it but it’s stuff that needs to be taken care of.  I just hope no one bothers me and that I can truly have a day off, that in it’s self will be nice. 

Last night the White Chicken Chili was truly a hit.  A little on the spicy side but that is part of the deal.  I threw in some cheese to top it off and ate it while I was talking on the phone.  I wish I would have had Sour Cream but all in all I liked it.  So I will be buying more of it. 

My pore sucker arrived yesterday.  For $7 I got a toy that sounds like a vibrator.  It doesn’t do a very good job on suction but I guess its better than nothing.  I can always upgrade to a higher priced model that I am sure would probably do the trick but I am trying to do things on the cheap.

I am thinking of stopping for Mexican food on the way home provided that I get out of here at a decent hour and there are no catastrophes to deal with.  I may change my mind and have something at home but right now I am pretty well set on it. 

Not sure that I will be able to squeeze in an update tomorrow but certainly over the weekend I will.  You all take care and I will talk with you peeps later.

Pizza @ Lunch

A co-worker brought me pizza for lunch.  It was very good.  There just wasn’t enough of it to fill my belly.  So I supplemented with Yogurt and 2 cups of fruit.  That did the trick. 

Chili Dogs last night for supper.  I made a little much but it was okay.  Canned chili was a little high on the salty side, otherwise it was good.  TAZ was climbing all over me because he wanted some.  I think it was the cheese he was after. 

I figured the union would want to hurry up and get things done but they are dragging their feet.  I am not dismissing the case until I have cashed the check, so they are working against a deadline.  Hopefully within the next couple days they will get on the ball. 

I had a difficult time sleeping last night.  I put the toothbrush back on the charger and that was enough to send me over the edge.  I cried off and on but eventually around 11:30 I managed to sleep.  I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I would give back everything just to have him back, provided he was healthy.  However, we all know that won’t happen so I have to forge forward as difficult as it is. 

Tonight’s supper is canned White Chicken Chili.  I hope it’s good!  Come back tomorrow to find out. 

So not in the working mood today.  I just want to play.  The temp I am in charge of completed the project she was assigned to.  What I thought would take a couple weeks actually took one day.  She is a machine.  So I have her helping me now build machines.  She is asking me 1,000 questions – we went through a build together and she had the opportunity to take notes but she told me that she has an excellent memory.  Wow, apparently it was out to lunch while I was teaching her because she doesn’t remember 1/2 of what I showed her.  I hope that things start clicking.

She has been of some help but my work load is still pretty heavy and it’s all mostly stuff that I have to do.  So, I still feel swamped.

In driving in this morning I kept wishing I could quit this job.  I don’t mind working so long as I am treated well and I really feel taken advantage of here where I am treated like a dog at times.  The way I am spoken to and the entire environment it just sucks.  I am looking but there isn’t much out there at the moment.  My guy said to me that there is a reason why I am here.  I do not understand that reason but I am thankful to be employed, I just wish I was treated better.

Okay so I guess I should get back to it.  Talk with you peeps later.

BREAKING NEWS…

Just got a call from the attorney that represents the union.  They prefer to stay out of court and have offered me a settlement provided I dismiss the lawsuit. 

The settlement consists of the original Death Benefit plus his Last Pension check.  They will not pay for legal or administrative costs.  However, all things considered this is very good news. 

Now if I can just get payment modification taken care of with the house and then get it transferred to my name, I think I will be able to breathe.

The money the union sends me will be spoken for, I will put it towards house payments.  Unless Murphy rears his ugly head. 

Awesome – Awesome – Awesome.  Does it show I’m a little happy/gay?

2 more days

Panic, Stress, Chaos!  Just another day at work.  Nothing major happening.  I am still seething from yesterday and my 1 hour lunch.  That really stuck in my craw.  I don’t plan on building my future here, this is only a temporary place – a means to an end.  I will be happy when I can move on to hopefully what will be a much more rewarding position with a boss who knows how to be a boss instead of a bully.

My friend that I referred called me, she is coming in for an interview in a little bit.  That should be interesting.  I honestly hope that she loses interest, I really don’t want anyone I know working here.  It’s just that bad.  However, I did her a favor and if it works out, well I will just have to get used to it. 

The cable bill came in the mail last night.  Whoopee, it’s already been paid.  I am anxious to receive the response to my lawsuit, hearing what there defense will be.  I know they move slow but that deadline is creeping up on us.  It’s another matter I will be happier when it’s settled regardless of the outcome.  Hopefully we can be done by Thanksgiving if not before. 

Bill pay for my guys bank is finally available.  I paid the mortgage this morning from work.  How’s that for a break.  I have a Bankruptcy payment to make but will do that from home because I am not 100% on the amount.  Looking forward to Saturday when I go see the attorney again and get the 2nd opinion.  Sure would be nice if I could stop paying. 

Well I need to run, so be good to each other.  I will talk with you peeps later.

Reviewed

We had a temp start today.  I went out to lunch today and when I got back I got yelled at because I just disappeared.  I actually told someone but I didn’t tell boss man so that’s why I got in trouble.  He said I was gone for an hour but I wasn’t and besides that they owe me.  I sit at my desk and gobble my lunch down in 15 minutes or less each day.  Once and a while I treat myself by going out.  Get a grip!

I got my review and I really thought and was expecting a nice size raise.  I got 3% which is cost of living and pretty standard across the board.  However, given what I have been through and what I put up with you would think that I would get more, since I am so valuable. 

I was told that I need to work on my communication skills.  Yeah I just mumble F U under my breath I guess I should start saying it out loud :)

My plan was to go out for supper, mexican on the way home.  However, since my raise wasn’t as much as I expected I will be going home and having left overs.  Might as well not let the good stuff go bad.  I can always go out later in the week if I desire.  Plus it will help me save money – which is my new theme.

I got to trim everyone’s claws except shy girl she gets that done next week.  Until then we are buddies.  I look forward to coming home to see them each night and spending time with them.  I think it’s a mutual thing. 

Nothing really terribly exciting here.  Waiting to leave for the day.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.  It’s been a little nutty around here.  I heard there was a full moon, that would explain it. 

Well, off to save the world or something like that.  Talk with you peeps later.

My Weekend

Feels almost like I didn’t get a weekend because I’ve been having phone conversations with a co-worker, emailing my boss and wanting to scream.

So Friday it was all set, we were bringing in a temp to help with a project that really belongs to HR but landed in my lap.  It’s a simple thing to do but given the events of the weekend, it appears not everyone was on the same page.  So, the temp won’t start on that project until Wednesday.  Now I have to find something for this person to do for two days.  That will be pretty easy.  I am appreciative of the help but the way it came about was rather forced on me.  I didn’t get to chose the person it’s a relative of a co-worker who is supposed to do a “good job”.  Everyone talks up people they know even if they do crappy work.

Speaking of talking up, I submitted a friends resume only because it sounds like she is about to get fired from her present job.  She could make it temporarily working for the same company as me.  However, I honestly don’t want her to work there.  I think she will want too much money and I think that if things go awry it could ruin our friendship.  Our friendship is far more valuable than a job.  However, being unemployed for 2 years I realize that everyone needs a job and an income. 

Friday, I went out to lunch.  I went to the place where I am meeting my old boss.  I wanted to see how far of a walk it is and it’s a good stroll.  As long as it’s not raining on that day I should be great.  Otherwise, I will need an umbrella.  They have great burgers so I will probably do that again.  I had a double and I was super full.

I did go for Chinese on Friday night.  I ordered way too much and have left overs in the fridge.  Now I need to decide when I want to eat them.  Maybe tomorrow night, not sure.  I also have a few slices of Little Cesar's Pizza left.  Maybe Pizza & Chinese, who knows. 

Saturday I took Momma to the vet only to find out that I have been giving her medication to her wrong.  She was supposed to get it twice a day and I am only doing once a day.  No one ever told me.  So there was no charge for the visit, we never saw a vet.  They just weighed her and sent us on our way.  We go back in 3 more weeks and I know she (momma) will be over joyed.  She screamed at me from the time we left until the time we got back and no one even took blood.  Poor thing, it was hot out.

I called up a friend and we met for lunch.  It was a burger for me.  Pretty good.  Then we went shopping at Sam’s club.  They didn’t have the litter I wanted so I went to my Sam’s club and they too didn’t have it.  Looks like they stopped carrying it.  Now I will have to start going back to Target.  I picked up some cheap off brand stuff.  The cats won’t know the difference, they would go in sand, rocks or whatever I put in their litter box.  Just as long as I keep it clean that is all they care about.  I looked at the Target ad last night but they were already closed.  They had an awesome sale and yep I missed it.  Story of my life. 

I got my head shaved, well I am not bald but they used a #1 guard so it’s really short.  Give it about a week and it will look normal again.  I hope that I can go longer in between haircuts.  It would save me money, not to mention it’s a little cooler. 

I started Laundry and called it a day.  Off to bed.

Sunday – I woke up early went back to sleep woke up still early but got out of bed.  I wasted most of my time in line at Cracker Barrel and I didn’t even get to see the guy I went there to look at.  Damn waiting lines.  Anyway, stopped off at the bank to deposit some cash so that I can pay the mortgage.  Went to Office Max and really went hog wild.  I got toner for my laser printer and that was the most expensive thing I bought.  I got some more pens that I really don’t need but wanted, some canned air and a ream of paper.  Then on to the grocery store.  I picked up some preformed hamburger patties.  I thought there were 2 in the package, nope there are 4.  They will get to cook on the George Foreman Grill one night this week.  I don’t think I can eat all 4 but I can make 2 and freeze the other two.  I also found this awesome Italian Bake by Marrie Cullenders.  It’s got 3 kinds of meat, some cheese and noodles.  It looked so good I changed my dinner plans and had it.  Yup, it was good.  Finished up with a Drumstick.  Ice Cream is so good after dinner. 

I scheduled some bills to be paid.  However, the bank my partner banked with is redoing their bill pay system.  They are teasing me.  First it was supposed to be ready at 5pm and now it won’t be ready until 11:30 pm.  Looks like the mortgage payment won’t get scheduled until tomorrow, that is provided they are done with their work. 

I got tired and laid down with Big Boy.  We never sleep together because of his size.  But this time I just laid down on the floor by him and was petting him and rubbing his ear.  He took full advantage of me and my one hand.  I was able to relax and so was he.  However, sleeping on the floor is not exactly comfortable so I napped on the couch.  Hopefully, I won’t have problems getting to sleep tonight.  Tomorrow will no doubt be a busy day. 

Poor Big Boy.  I saw him last night struggling in the litter box.  I had to clean him up after he was done.  I am so helpless and can’t do a damn thing to fix him and that is what hurts more than watching him slowly go down hill.  I took full advantage of the opportunity to spend time with him today because I feel as if our days are numbered and that he will be the next one to leave.  I prayed last night that when that time comes I am not forced to make a decision that he just goes on his own.  Not that I am ready for that now.  I want him to stick around and I don’t know that I will ever be ready for him to leave.  It will hurt because I know how much my partner cared for him.  They truly had a special bond.  We didn’t bond that well until he got sick and I was the one who nursed him back to health with tube feedings, medication, cleaning up after him and carrying him to and from the vet.  I pray that when his time comes it’s quick, painless and that he is reunited with my partner.  They will enjoy having each other. 

I had so much planned that didn’t get done but well another time.  It will all certainly be here waiting for me.  I’ve got Friday off so 4 day work week.  Friday will be getting stuck at the doctors office, getting my car serviced and going out to celebrate a friends birthday.  Not too bad for a Friday, except for the doctor business.  This is the last day I had scheduled.  It’s only the 2nd day I have used since my anniversary so I’ve still got plenty of time.  I can pretty well predict that I will need two more days off.  One being for a return doctors appointment and the other being for court.  I will probably take some time around Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.  It’s just taking time means I will be alone and well who really wants to be all alone?  I mean we all need a break and it’s great for a day or two but after that well I need people. 

Oh I forgot to tell you about the Mortgage Company.  I called back on Friday and they said not only have they not received the documents I sent but that I sent them to the wrong person and wrong fax number.  So I had to re-send them.  I called right after they went through and I got my confirmation page everything was sent.  Do you know they couldn’t just go to the fax machine and see the documents, no it has to be 24 to 48 hours before they will be uploaded in their system.  I am starting to feel like they are playing a game to see if I will get tired and/or if I will run out of money.  I was told 30 to 45 days well it’s been 30 and I don’t see any sign that this will be done anytime soon.  So I fired off a letter to the president of the mortgage company and explained the situation and how it’s really time sensitive.   I made available every document that I have ever submitted for a total of 104 pages available via an on-line portal.  They can download the file and print it out or whatever they need to do to get the ball rolling.  I was told on Friday to call back on Tuesday.  On Tuesday my letter should be there.  I sent it certified so they can’t say they never got it.  I’ve kept the Estate Attorney up to date on everything.  If I don’t get some satisfaction soon I am ready to ask the attorney to intervene on my behalf.  I haven’t got the time or the emotional stability to keep this merry go round going.  I explained why I was making the payments and that my partner had passed.  Hopefully they will have some sympathy and get this put to rest sooner rather than later. 

I went shopping today on Amazon, more retail therapy.  I bought some pore cleansing strips and a pore vacuum.  Both of these are for use on my nose.  It’s just out of control and I have lived with it long enough.  So maybe some small combat will clear things up.  It really doesn’t look that bad but I am self conscious about it.  I got some Acne Cleanser that I can use with my Clarasonic and some Hair Care Stuff.  I feel like I am in a confessional.  I really don’t need 1/2 of what I bought but I feel compelled to spend money, like it’s going to get me satisfaction or relief. It does but it’s only temporary, after the box is opened the joy is all gone.  The box should be here on Tuesday. 

Oh yeah, Monday should be my review.  Let’s just see if that happens.  My guess is NOT.  I have already gotten my paycheck it showed up a day early and there is no change.  I hope that whatever raise I get it’s retroactive back to my anniversary.  I can put that plus whatever the increase is to my regular check in savings at least I should.  I probably will just use it to pay another bill. 

Well off to the races.  Hope your weekend was fun and that you managed to stay cool.  It was uber hot here.  Love the summer.  I hear the Cicadas and know that summer will be coming to an end sooner rather than later.  We have August and then about mid September things will turn.  Cooler weather and eventually Winter & snow.  Fun stuff.  Talk with you peeps later.

Allergy City

I suppose the pollen count is up.  All I know is the last few days have been really miserable for me.  I took a Zyrtec last night when I got home.  It provides outstanding relief but knocks me out every time and I only took 5mg, which is a half dose.  Full dose is 10mg and that works even better but I feel drowsy the next day.  Hopefully things will calm down.

No review yet, it’s supposed to happen today but it was also supposed to happen yesterday.  I am not sure when it will happen.  I’m told the review will be all good and that someone else has lobbied to get me a helper.  Like any place I would want to make sure I got someone who I thought would be the right fit.  I’m not sure where this will be going but I know I would like to be apart of the interview process since this person will be working with me and more than likely for me.  I would want to make sure I got someone who was not terribly smarter than me, so that my job stays secure.  I also wouldn’t want to hire a super model or I would be lusting after them instead of doing my job.  So stay tuned and I will tell you how it all plays out. 

Supper was what I said it would be, pretty good.  Tonight I’ve though of stopping by a Mexican place but I am also thinking about the other 1/2 of the meatloaf in the fridge.  Tough call.  Tomorrow is Chinese for sure!

I got my Home Owner’s policy in the mail last night.  The premium is exactly what I was quoted and they are billing the mortgage company.  We shall see if it gets paid or not.  If not then I have to come up with that money.  Insurance and Taxes are escrowed into the payment so I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t pay, except for the fact that my name is on the policy and not my partners.  If they dig through their records they will see who I am and there shouldn’t be a problem.  I had a note on my calendar to call them (the mortgage company) but deferred it until tomorrow since boss man is here.  I figured I would get on the phone with them and he would want/need me or want to do my review. 

This will probably jinx it but traffic going home the last two night has been like a ghost town.  I am not sure where everyone is at, but I wish the commute home was always this way.  Easy to get on to the interstate and cross 4 lanes of traffic.  Last night I was home by 5:45 and normally it’s much closer if not after 6pm.  Of course it helped that I drove 80mph part of the way. 

Big Boy is starting to lean back to diarrhea again and I am pretty sure his Rutin is to blame for it.  So I am only giving him 1 a day instead of the normal 2.  Just want to see if it helps or not.  Both him and Jumper slept with me last night.  My bed isn’t treating me well.  I didn’t feel rested despite the fact I went to bed at 9:30.  My neck is usually killing me when I get up.  So I am going to try flipping the mattress.  If that doesn’t do the trick, I may try a new pillow.  I really don’t want to pop for a new mattress right now.  Too much up in the air and money is way too easy to spend. 

Speaking of money, I got a medicare eob for my partner last night.  They adjusted one of his hospital claims for last year and said that he might be billed $1,162.  I don’t get how they can do that.  Regardless he is dead so you can bill from now until the cows come home but I won’t be paying and I don’t think if I set the bill outside of his earn it get paid either.  Collection calls may be made to 1-800-HEAVEN.

Still drowning in hardware and I have had to stop the project I was working on.  I plan to get back to it today but every time I plan for something my plans get altered for me.  Ah, well there is always tomorrow.  Back to the salt mine I have a conference call to join in a few minutes.  Whoopee can’t you just hear the excitement in my voice. 

Talk with you peeps later.

Jedi Mind Trick

I asked our Office Manager about my review.  I was asked when my anniversary is and I told her back in May.  She said oh, no problem I will get it done for you today.  I said did you want me to ask boss man, she said no it’s taken care of.  Okay, let it be sounds like it’s under control.

The next thing I know I get an e-mail from boss man and it’s a proposal from the outside IT firm we use, dated from last year.  It is the reason why my position was created in the first place.  They wanted to do an audit of all of the equipment and I got hired and flown around the US to take care of it along with putting in WIFI.  He asked me to review the document and said that we would talk about it within the next week. 

Now I am totally confused.  There are things in the document that I haven’t done because I wasn’t asked.  I have always done everything I have been asked to do, regardless if I want to do it or not.  Short of the trip with the payroll checks.  Outside of that I’ve been a secretary, receptionist and an IT Person.  I don’t trust these people that much and I am overly paranoid that I am on my way out the door.  It’s only because of how I have been treated and how I have seen them treat others.  They use, get what they can and then dispose of you like you’re a used tissue. 

I have remained silent and just done what I have been asked to do.  Which is my usual method of operation.  Just sit in my office, nose to the grindstone and do my own thing until someone calls or stops in asking for help. 

I of course don’t want to loose my job.  I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, so it’s probably paranoia but I suppose better to be on guard.  Working here is like a Jedi Mind Trick.

 

So last nights mail consisted of proof that the lawsuit was served.  Instead of returning the documents to the court as they were instructed, they returned them to me.  I mailed them to the court but didn’t want them to get lost in the shuffle of things so I shelled out more money and sent them certified mail.  Hopefully, this is the last certified letter I have to send for a long time.  I’ve given the post office so much money.

Yesterday morning I went to deposit the refund check from the old Homeowner’s policy and the darn ATM fought with me.  It kept spitting the check back telling me that I would have to deposit it in person at a local branch.  I just kept feeding it back in like 4 times before it finally took it and the deposit was done.

Still waiting on the new HO policy.  Had Turkey Pot Pie (yep pie) for supper last night along with a slice of Custard Pie (pie again).  Got one more slice and will finish it tonight before the pie (3 times in one post) goes bad.  I hate to throw away my money like that.  I bet you thought I was going to say pie (oh no he didn’t), fooled you. 

Tonight’s exciting menu is Stouffer’s Lasagna, I like it but I am really starting to grow tired of frozen things for supper.  Friday I am going out for Chinese for sure.  I’ve been craving it since last Friday and they order it in the office all the time.  Makes me want to take someone’s lunch away. 

Not sure if any of you have kept up with Will & RJ (shep689, you tube) but they moved from FL to CA.  They are still enroute.  Today’s video was saying goodbye to Kasey.  Wow I knew that would be difficult to watch.  I almost started crying.  I will miss seeing Kasey, he is so cute.  I am interested in seeing Will & RJ’s adventures in CA and how their lives unfold.  Moving away and saying goodbye is difficult.  I remember leaving home but I’m still in the same state, home is like 30 minutes away.  Both of them can go back to FL anytime, I know their friends & family will love seeing them.

Funny how you never realize how much stuff you have until you move. 

Speaking of which last night I did get to soak my feet, felt good.  Nails all trimmed and feet look good.  I went to hang up the towel I used to dry my feet off, so the towel would dry.  Logical place was my guys bathroom, since mine is full.  I walked back there and hung it up, looked up and saw a wash cloth that he put there.  I opened the door to the shower and found another one inside.  Oh God that just tore me up.  I wanted to ball.  I got the heck out of there before emotion got the best of me. 

I saw the Season Premier of Suits, loved the Uniball line and Donna & Lewis with the ink and Hitler mustache.  That was too funny.  Mike (Patrick J Adams) got to mount his girl again, love seeing him shirtless.  This is going to be an interesting season.  I hope that am right and that there is lots more shirtless Mike!  Woof, Woof!

Not much else is new.  I made a long list of things to do at work and it’s staring at me all day.  Will so enjoy checking items off that list.  There are only 8 things but it will involve volumes and hours of work. 

I really want to start getting rid of clothes and personal effects that I know I won’t use or need.  However, the whole thing with the wash cloth tore me up – I can’t imagine how I would hold up in going through his clothes.  Maybe I will feel better afterwards but I doubt it.  I stay out of his 2 rooms (office & bedroom) as much as possible.  It’s better for me emotionally.  I am such a neat nick though and the house is a shambles.  My intentions are there but doing the actual work is a whole different story.

Some people have told me it takes 1 or 2 years, other people say you will know when the time is right.  I just can’t fathom keeping his rooms like they are today for another whole year.  Then again, what’s the rush it’s not like I am going anywhere.  No one has a gun to my head and there is no looming deadline.  So I guess I will get to it when I get ready.

If you have followed the news over the past few days you certainly are aware of the death of Cory Montieth, who was an actor on Glee.  I was shocked & saddened to hear of his passing.  I was more shocked when the corner released the cause of death.  In the US it takes a month or more to get a Tox screen back.  In Canada I guess they have a fast track system.  Maybe we will eventually get that in the US.  Having that could help bring closure to families and/or work in solving crimes.  It is always sad when a young person dies, especially when it’s a sudden thing.  Just hammers home tomorrow isn’t promised to us.  Hard to do but live each day like it’s your last because eventually it will be. 

TV tonight is Franklin & Bash, got a hottie to watch there, good ol’ Mark Paul.  Hopefully, I can stay awake to watch the entire show. 

I slept so so but not better than normal last night.  So taking my pills later isn’t necessarily the key.  I think the best key is getting the pressure off of me at work and just letting go, then I think I will sleep well. 

Lunch time is about done so back to my long list of things to do.  Configuring machines!  Talk with you peeps later.

Tuesday

I couldn’t believe it but lunch time came really fast today.  I was engrossed in working on a machine and for a while the machine was winning.  However, eventually I turned that around. 

Hopefully quitting time will come around just as fast.  I will be building a laptop this afternoon or at least those are my plans. 

Yesterdays mail brought me a check for $117, which was nice.  It’s for the old homeowner’s policy.  I am still waiting on my policy to come out on the house, perhaps that will be in today’s mail.  Who knows? 

Sleeping last night wasn’t easy.  Jumper didn’t want to join me until I almost drug him in the room.  It was an okay night but I did wake up a few times. 

Suits is on tonight and given my crush on Patrick J. Adams I want to watch the whole thing.  So I will be taking my sleeping medicine a little later, perhaps that will prove to be a smart move.  I am horned up and looking forward to season 3 of the show. 

Blu hasn’t sneezed that I have heard in a couple days.  He looks a little depressed, like he isn’t feeling good but he is bouncing all over the house so maybe I am reading him wrong or maybe he is just being the master of disguise that cats are known to be. 

I am still feeling down, not as bad as it was last night.  However, I just hate the reminders that he is gone.  I am adjusting but every once and a while it feels like a dream and I think he is going to call, come around the corner or some how communicate with me.  Doesn’t happen.  I’m not going to look for a way to communicate with the dead but it would be nice to hear from him again and know that he is okay.  Right now all I can do is believe and have faith that is true. 

My lip has developed a pulse in it and I feel it twitching now and then.  Kind of aggravating, just started a couple days ago.  This morning when I was putting on my socks, I brushed my foot and all of this skin came off, so I did it again and more skin.  I guess I need to scrub my feet.  I honestly don’t pay that much attention to them, which might be why they have been bothering me.  So I am going to try to get to them tonight, in the hopes that I can make them feel oh so good. 

I have been eyeing the George Forman Grill, I think next week that it will come down and I will try my luck at making a cheeseburger.  I would like to go visit a place we used to eat burgers at.  Was supposed to do that this past weekend until I got invited over for dinner.  This weekend I have the vet on my list, outside of that nothing else.  Maybe I will make it and maybe I won’t. 

I feel so much pressure at work and a little at home – I’d really like to get away from it all.  I really can’t afford to finance a vacation considering everything is upside down and I have no idea if or when the next shoe will drop.  I have a Cat & AC System that could both die and it will cost little for that Cat but the AC System would be a major expense.  It’s time for a replacement but that of course takes, you guessed it, money.  I want my money to work for me as hard and long as possible.  So I get the most out of it.  If I can get more, well that would be a good thing. 

Lunch is at the 1/2 way mark.  I wish I was talking to you know who about supper because I have no idea what I am going to eat tonight.  It will be frozen for sure and involve the microwave.  This death diet is horrible but I honestly think I am doing pretty good for a single guy taking care of himself.  I know my guy would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the short amount of time that he has been gone.  I told him I would make him proud, I plan on living up to that as best as I can.

Well off to check in on the dating site, I’ve gotten a couple of emails from them.  I have no hope of meeting anyone and I think I will be happier when my subscription runs out next month.  I was face to face with the cute guy here at work last night.  I noticed he is wearing a wedding ring now.  I could have struck up a conversation with him but chose to let things go.  I don’t know if he got my friend request and I don’t think pushing it is the right thing to do.  I just get around him and I clam up, too embarrassed to say much of anything. 

You peeps take care and I will talk with you later.

Depression

Feeling all BLUE.  Boss man came in and dumped another project in my lap, something that I honestly don’t feel I am responsible for but what am I going to do.  Seeing the mountain of work and it seems no way to the end when things are calm, cool and collective.  I need a break might be a permanent break, might be a temporary one but I just need one.  By break I mean time away.

Came home had the supper I planned on, it was okay.  Then I started cleaning out the fridge and it hit me.  Not only did I not have the pie I wanted for desert but lots of things we bought together I had to throw away.  Old champagne from I think New Years 2 years ago.  I did the unthinkable and actually drank some, it was awful.  I poured it out along with some old salad dressing.

That just help me realize even more that he is gone.  I started thinking I wonder what the cats think.  Why they are stuck with only one daddy now.  If they even remember the other one or think about him.

I got an envelope in the mail addressed to him, it was a newspaper clipping and it was signed with the first initial of his cousin in Vegas (you know the one that is no longer talking to me).  At first I thought she sent it but then I took a closer look and realized it was junk mail for a hearing aid company.  That followed by cleaning the fridge and thinking of the pressures of the job just made me melt.

I was all horned up and ready to watch some porn but the spark is gone.  Right now all I can think about is death.  I’m wondering how much longer I will make it.  Taking the chickens way out is starting to sound appealing.  Damn cats, I wish they weren’t here they are the only thing stopping me.  If it wasn’t for what would happen to them I would checkout for good.  The joy of my life is gone and all I feel is pain and sorrow.  I just want to be happy again and to get on with life. 

By getting on with life I mean having all of the legal and financial matters settled, getting a new job that doesn’t require frequent travel, something occasional would be okay and finding someone to call mine.  Make new memories and just enjoy life, which is what a 41 year old man is supposed to do.  Instead I am mourning and hurting. 

Ah tomorrow will be here soon enough and maybe the sun will shine again for me.  Right now I am getting away from the computer, heading to the TV and going to try to relax the night away.

Ugh Monday

It’s that time again!  Nothing really happening.  The computer I was building won’t support the paycheck software so I had to go back to a Win 7 32 bit computer.  Now that machine won’t let payroll sign in.  I’ve called the company that makes the software for support, hopefully they can bail me out of this mess.  I hate the payroll software and I think it hates me too. 

I was able to setup a date with my old boss, we picked a Friday evening next month and a local restaurant.  Kind of nervous about seeing him but somewhat excited to see him.  It’s a ways off so no big worries just yet.  Hopefully my impending travel will not screw things up. 

The person who was supposed to tell me what I am to look for, etc. when going back to the facilities hasn’t said a word to me and I won’t be pushing either.  If it happens, great if not fine too.  Lord knows I have plenty to keep me busy.

I am hooking up a printer today, exciting I know.  After I get this desktop built I have a laptop that has to be built this week.  The other hardware project is on hold until I get done with the other rush jobs.  Then I found out a machine crashed at a facility and they need a new one.  I’ll be ordering another machine, wow.

Looking forward to getting home, sleep didn’t go so well last night.  I woke up in the middle of the night and Jumper was grousing at me.  I lost about 2 hours I think.  All I know is I am super tired. 

Tonight is trash night another chore I hate.  Anyway I will get it taken care of and I’m thinking about left over BBQ and Mac & Cheese.  Not sure if it will come to pass but right now doesn’t sound half bad.  The Mac & Cheese will take a little while to cook but it’s so worth the wait. 

My feet are starting to bother me again.  Like I really need another ache or pain.  I will live with it until it’s time to see the doc later in the month.  I don’t think he will be able to offer me anything but a referral but it’s worth a short. 

Big Boy left me a mess to clean up this morning.  He didn’t sleep with me last night.  He is really starting to worry me.  He still has a lot of life left in him and outside of taking care of his rear end, he is doing everything else on his own.  He isn’t happy when I start cleaning him up, but he tolerates it.  Hopefully, he will sleep with me tonight. 

Well who ever thought I could yammer on about nothing.  Somehow I managed.  I’m headed back to the salt mine and hopefully quitting time will come fast.  Boss man isn’t in yet, which is kind of odd but I suppose he will surface soon enough.  Looking forward to his vacation which is at the end of the month.  Speaking of which I work this week and then next week is 4 days and I get to see the doc, oh joy bleed on.

Talk with you peeps later.

Sunday

I watched a documentary on Johnny Carson's life.  Wow it made me laugh and cry but not at the same time.  He was a truly remarkable person.  What an influence he had on TV and Late Night Entertainment.  I saw this on Netflix, so if you have an account I recommend it.  

I finished Orange is the new Black.  Another amazing series.  I'm already ready for Season 2 to come out and they just released season 1.  I think this idea of Netflix produced series/shows will do quite well.  

I am composing tonight from my iPad in the living room.  Short of passing out medicine to the kids, figuring out what I am going to wear tomorrow and taking my pills - everything else is done.  I haven't quite had a weekend like this.

I catered to myself and my desires.  I finally went out to eat but it was for lunch and I went to a place where one of my guys former relatives work.  She is the manager and we chatted a bit.  She comped my meal, this is the second time she has done that.  I didn't go there for that purpose, I went to see her and chat.  The food wasn't that good this time so I was thankful that I didn't have to pay for it.  

She told me about another man who comes in and he lost his partner to Cancer.  She wants to introduce us.  I said I wouldn't mind meeting him but I don't want to fall in love with an older man, he will just die on me and I don't want that.  I would like to find someone that is more age appropriate for me, just so we can relate to each other better.  This guy just lost his partner a week ago and they are planning a memorial service in a few weeks.  His partner is an older Japanese Man who is in great health.  That's all well and good but I would just want to be friends with him and share what we have in common, like loosing our partners.  It would be a therapeutic friendship.  I honestly think we can do each other a whole lot of good.

I've been thinking about the whole dating thing and I honestly think I am trying to hard.  I think that love and that someone will come to me when I am not expecting it.  I still logon to the site because I paid for a service but I am just not seeing anyone that fits the bill for what I am looking for.  Us gays are so picky and well since I have a few extra pounds I know that will count against me - it's all about vanity, which sucks!

In going in and out today, I have seen a couple hot guys in the neighborhood - always love eye candy. Too bad it won't love me back. :)

Driving home from the resturant this afternoon, I saw a window sign in a local business that they need a computer person.  Problem is they want resumes dropped off and they are only open when I am working.  So in an effort to grab some attention, I am mailing my resume since I know I will never be able to drop it off.  It will either make a good impression or it won't.  Either way I really have nothing to loose.  I kind of think that there is really no money at this place but if they would even pay what I am making now, it would be a huge raise!  I wouldn't have to spend $30 to $50 on gas, depending upon prices.  Plus I could come home for lunch and see the kids, which would be a nice touch.  I could also get the mail a lot earlier and be home at a reasonable time and have more to my evening.  Now probably isn't the right time to change jobs but I feel as if it was a sign from God and I am not passing it up, because then I would always wonder and never have an answers.  This way I've taken the first step.  

Getting together with my old boss is proving difficult.  We just settled on a date and time, but the place is up in the air.  I really have a feeling that he really doesn't want to meet up but doesn't quite know how to say no.  Maybe I am wrong.  I also thought okay so you got him to agree to meet, now what the hell are you going to talk about.  Well plenty has happened in the old place where we used to work as well as in our lives that we should not have too many dry moments.  He is the kind of guy who likes to keep a conversation going so hopefully we will have a good time and it won't be nearly as awkward as I think it will.

I had dinner at my friends house, it was very informal and I got hood winked into watching some stupid TV show.  We had tacos as I thought we would.  It was extra spicy and I wasn't prepared for that.  There was only water to drink, unless I wanted hard liquor or wine.  So water was my buddy.  Not too happy about the fact that I have more bills than this person, they make more than me or so I think and they can't buy a 12 pack of diet soda or even a 2 liter bottle.  C'mon.  Lots of my friends don't have soda at home and I just don't get it.  You can buy liquor which costs more but you can't buy soda.  

My bed finally has been made, only took me 3 days to get that done.  The kids are happy but let's wait and see how happy they are when I kick them out before leaving for work.  That won't go over without a protest.  

I could sit here and type my life away but I don't know that I am accomplishing anything, other than breaking in my iPad and the keyboard.  It's nice to be able to relax on the living room couch and blog, it's something different and I am more surprised by the fact that everyone is resting and not bothering me.  As soon as I move to my room I will have a chair full of cats, I just know it.  

Taking a muscle relaxer tonight and some Tylenol, hopefully they will do the trick at knocking me out and loosening up my neck so that I don't have any pain.  This getting older business is horrible and I am still young - so it really scares me.

I was shocked to hear this morning about the Corey Montieth who played Finn on Glee.  I can't believe he is dead.  I hope it was from natural causes but to be so young and die - my guess is drugs.  I suppose in the coming days we will find out.  You just never know when your time is up.  I've been thinking about my demise and what would happen if that would occur now.  Wow, it would be a mess.  All the more reason to get working on a will.  it's on my to do list but I don't know when I will be able to check it off.  

I am also surprised in the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.  I honestly didn't think he would walk but they jury has spoken.  I didn't follow the trial but heard some parts of it from a friend.  She loves trials and just lives to watch them.  It's all about the drama.  I like my drama too but I've got enough of it in my own life, I don't need more.  

Unless I chicken out, this will be the week I ask about my review.  I am not asking about a pay raise because by asking for my review, I am intimating that I want to know about my raise.  They know what I am doing and how swamped I am.  How much I have done and put up with the last year.  Hopefully they will see fit to give me a decent pay raise.  I will keep you posted.  All I can say is pray because that is what I am doing, praying that the money will come through somehow someway.  The interesting part is if they will make the raise retroactive to my anniversary date - if so then that will be like a bonus in it's self.  

Monday is going to suck but I have plenty to do.  Big challenge is getting the paycheck software installed and working.  I also have to install a printer but that will be easy as pie, yes I said pie.  :P

Well its coming up on 8pm here, time to break out the cat medicine, brush my tooth and take my medicine then go get lost in some TV and forget about the world for a while.  I sure hope I find something good.  I've got a Cinnamon Candle burning in my room so it should smell wonderful, at least it's not cat pee that I will smell.  Speaking of which Mr. Blu is not feeling all that well.  I've got him on an antihistamine but think that I may winding up taking him over to get checked out.  Right now I am waiting and watching.  He is still sneezing.  My worry is that he is going to infect the rest of the house and then I will have a much bigger problem on my hands.  My other worry is that if anyone stops eating, which happened before when the boys had a respiratory virus it takes lots of money to bring them back and frankly I can't do it.  I want to but I have so much to worry about.  I pray mostly that whatever Blu has will just resolve on it's own and no one else will pick it up.  Having 4 cats on medicine and keep tracking of schedules is hard enough.  Speaking of which it's time to run.

I hope that you had a great weekend, relax unwind with what is left and pray that Monday goes by really damn fast.  Talk with you peeps later.  

Friday

I suppose you thought I wasn’t going to post anything today, that I forgot.  Nope, I went out to lunch and it was a totally crazy busy day.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon fixing a computer that a user infected by using Shop At Home.  She had all sorts of malware on her machine.  In fact it’s so bad that today she is still having problems and I am building her a new machine.  Keep in mind that I just replaced her machine less than 6 months ago.  She has some complicated software that cuts checks and I have to talk to a Chinese guy to figure out how to make it work.  I took notes the last time but I will be damned if I can tell you where I put them. 

As if that isn’t bad enough I have a laptop to get out next week.  I think I will make it, provided next week people leave me alone a little more.  It’s either that or I will be working later nights to get it done.  Ugh!

Last night I came home walked in to my room and said wow, it smells like cat pee.  Yep he did it again.  This time at the bottom of the bed, so I wouldn’t notice or at least find it until it was almost too late. 

I found myself sleeping on a towel on top of my matress last night.  I really sacked out, so much so that the alarm clock woke me up and I really didn’t want to get out of bed.  I will be doing the same thing tonight in the hopes that I can really get my sleep on tomorrow.  The only way I can ensure that my room stays cat pee free is to close the door.  I hate to do that to the rest of the family but I really have no choice in the matter.  Apparently the Feilaway Diffuser has lost it’s effect or either he is mad at me or both.  Who knows?

Outside of going cat food shopping and going to a friends house for dinner I really have nothing going.  Of course there are the usual weekend chores but they will get done in due time. 

I’ve got a couple things on my mind.  The sunglasses and letter I wrote to the “friend” of ours.  Well I didn’t put a return address on them and I am fairly certain he got them.  He hasn’t bothered to respond.  You’d think that if you were a true friend, you would reach out and say your sorry or at the very least speed up getting together.  I truly believe I’ve been dumped and I felt that way when I sent the package.  This just solidifies it for me.  That really hurts, but life goes on.

The other thing I can’t seem to shake is wanting to get together with one of my old bosses.  Yeah I’ve got a crush on him and yes he is straight and has a family.  I know there is no chance of anything happening.  I just want to seek his advice and be in his company.  It’s been years since we last talked.  I can’t say that he will or won’t make time for me, but I have to at least try.  So I guess if I can join a gay dating service, I can ask him if he wouldn’t mind meeting up sometime.  The worst he can say is no.

I decided to come home and eat the lunch I packed for supper.  For that I will reward myself by going out to breakfast.  Not exactly the same thing, but it will be cheaper or so I think.  Waffle House is starting to sound good.  Been a while since I was there.  Of course I haven’t been there by myself yet.  We always went everywhere together and eating out was one of our perks. 

I started watching a new NetFlix series called Orange is the new Black.  It’s got Jason Biggs in it, he played Jim in the American Pie movies.  I’m not attracted to him but I will admit he is the reason why I am watching the show.  He is a good actor!  Anyway, the premise of the story is that he proposed to a woman.  She used to be a Lesbian and one time she carried 50 thousand dollars of drug money in a suit case from an airport.  She got caught, she thinks her lover turned her in.  In any case she is given jail time in a Federal Prison.  Apparently she was given some time before she had to self surrender.  Watching those two part really hurt me.  No I didn’t cry at least not on the outside but on the inside I sure did. 

So you get a glimpse of what prison life is supposedly like.  Not sure how close to real it is.  Some of it is real like when alarms go off, they have to hit the deck.  You are stripped searched and yes you have to squat and cough.  I only know this from visiting someone in prison.  I personally have never been arrested for anything.  The most trouble I have gotten myself into is a couple of traffic tickets for speeding and I was young when that happened.  For the record no Gods I am not trying to anger you and I don’t need a ticket.  In any case, these two love birds aren’t together anymore because she is in prison.  She calls home and tells him how much she misses him.  He can visit her.  I can’t call, can’t write, can’t visit – I am separated from the love of my life forever.  Just typing that on the screen hurts more than you can imagine.  I know that someday we will be reunited but that someday is so far in the future.  I really need my hug right about now.  I feel the depression hit me like a tidal wave, it’s knocking me off of my feet and I feel like I am in emotional quicksand, slowly sinking and there is no way up, no one is coming to help me, despite the fact I am screaming for help. 

I feel so alone.  I am so afraid of how things are going to turn out.  The future is so uncertain and life for me has been shaken and turned upside down and inside out.  Unless you have been through this yourself, you truly have no idea.  Not that I want anyone to experience this but it really hurts.  It’s something there is no pill or cure for.  You just have to get used to it.  I suppose sort of like losing a limb.  It feels and you think it is the end of the world but in reality it’s not.  The world keeps on going… with or without you. 

My guy used to say to me there is nothing more lonely than an old queer.  He used to be afraid of me leaving him.  God knows there are times when I wanted to but I told him I would never leave him and I didn’t.  I just want my rock back.  Hitting it off with a new person would be a deflection.  I think maybe I am trying to run away from my feelings but they seem to keep following me.  I want to be happy, I want this to be over with so that I can close this chapter of my life and start a new. 

Yes, I know I’ve already started a new but I am on my own – that in it’s self is scary.  Considering the only people that I have leaned on are gone.  Speaking of my grandparents and my hubby.  Now it’s me, myself and I.  If I get into trouble there is no one to bail me out.  The wise person I knew that I used to get solid advice from is gone.  I feel like I am going insane from all of the changes and life speeding up and slowing down.  It’s like I jumped on board the crazy train and I can’t make it stop.

Speaking of stopping, yes I am going to stop.  It’s starting to get late and I have been tired most of the afternoon.  My allergies are driving me crazy.  I think I have an infected tooth and well I am ready to try to get my sleep on.  So a little browsing on the net, working up the courage to send an e-mail to my old boss and maybe check on the dating site.  Then it’s time for bed. 

BTW, I did cancel my membership last night.  They offered me two additional weeks for free if I stayed but I said nope, cancel.  If I find someone before next month when it ends, great.  If not, well I tried and can move on. 

Y’all have a nice weekend.  I will talk with you peeps later.  Looking forward to being lazy tomorrow.  :)

Open Enrollment

Not exactly sure why but my employers Open Enrollment period is here.  It’s that time of year when you get to pick and choose benefits that you want.  In the past I have rejected everything because it was an all or nothing package.  I wanted just a couple things like vision and disability.

Well someone finally listened.  We now have choices which is good news.  The bad news is we have less than 2 weeks to make decisions.  Plus the person I would bounce all of this off of is no longer on earth.  Talk about being alone, this just make it another step more real.

I took the vision insurance because it’s $4 a pay check and by the time you add it up, it is about the cost of an eye exam.  Plus they give me an allowance on glasses, so that will help out.  It’s for the best. 

Now I have to figure out if I want Accident Insurance sort of like Aflac, Cancer Insurance, Life Insurance, Long Term Disability, Short Term Disability, etc.  Chances are pretty good I will pass on all of it, but I wanted to have time to review it on my own.  They had us sit down with a benefits person and they instantly wanted an answer, hello your asking me about spending money.  I can’t commit to anything right now.  Too much stuff up in the air, plus if I take too much away from my paycheck then I won’t have money left to live on.

I can’t see the point for any form of life insurance, I mean who gives a crap when I die.  The only thing I would worry about is the cats and when I get around to drafting a new will, I will make sure they are taken care of.  As for the rest of my possessions I really don’t care what happens to them because I will be dead.  If I manage to find another guy that I will be able to call partner, then I will rethink the life insurance. 

Speaking of partner, I logged on to the dating site last night and wow I saw a couple of cute twinks they are all 21 –30 but I am afraid that they aren’t looking for long term or if they are they might want a sugar daddy.  I am also afraid that we probably wouldn’t be compatible.  I looked but didn’t bother to message anyone.  I am starting to think this whole idea was a bust and not only am I wasting my time but my money.  Maybe what I need is therapy and someone to give me a hug.  However, that too costs money and I don’t even want to find out how little insurance will cover. 

As of this morning the children were all doing fine.  Happy about that.  Hope it stays that way for a long time.  Momma is tolerating her thyroid medicine but she is still chewing.  I think she isn’t getting enough but I am not adjusting anything.  I may put her back on the antihistamine because it helped some.

Got invited to a friends house for supper on Saturday.  They eat kind of late but it’s free so I am not complaining.  If it were a Sunday I would turn it down.  I plan on going out tomorrow night probably Chinese but I have thought about Pizza too, not sure yet.

One of the girls in the office quit and they didn’t tell me until I was pulling out of the garage.  I had to scramble to get her access shutdown but I did it. Some things just have to wait until you get home.  Then today I found out we are hiring a new person for a different job.  There are a few open positions around here but I suspect we will be fully staffed within a couple months.  All of this hiring, firing and quitting just causes more work for me.  Turn stuff on, buy stuff and then turn it all off.  If I had the money I am spending here on hardware I would be really set for a while.

Feeling like I want a nap since lunch is done.  However, I have so much to do.  My neck still hurts but only for a bit when I wake up.  I pulled something in my leg and if I move wrong my back turns into an electric grid.  I think it’s all in my neck!  A nice glass of wine (which I don’t have) and a muscle relaxer followed by hours of sleep on a cloud should fix it.  Can’t even think of the muscle relaxer until tomorrow night.  I did fluff the pillows but it didn’t help much.  I am certain most of it is stress.

Someone took a bath in perfume today and I got a whiff of that, ever since my nose has been on the fritz.  I want to smell good too but I don’t bathe in cologne. Why people feel the need to over compensate is beyond me, unless they are trying to cover up another odor and if that is the case, invest in a bar of soap it can do wonders to make you smell good. 

Finally I called the mortgage company and now they want me to resend paperwork that I have already submitted.  They say they never got it.  Yeah they did but I am not arguing.  I will resend it all tonight, not exactly how I wanted to spend my evening.  I wonder if I never called them how long it would have taken them to ask me or if they even would have?  I

Back to the salt mine!  Talk with you peeps later.