Hello and welcome back!
Things are okay at the moment. I’ve got a Meet & Greet setup for tomorrow with the prospective new cats. I went to see them this afternoon. One was sleeping and the other one was back in a corner just looking around. They are both pretty plump but if all they do is relax and sleep it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than having Gator around. I still have some reservations. Mostly if the timing is right or if I am moving a bit too fast for my own good. I know there will always be cats up for adoption. Have I really given myself enough time to grieve? I’ve kept pretty busy and had very little time to myself where I was all alone. Sure, working from home, I am alone but it’s not quite the same because my mind is focused on work.
Friday afternoon I got to looking at photos and videos of all of the family and I started looking for my goodbye letter to Momma. Turns out I never wrote one. I published a post on my blog and that was the extent of it. However, I embedded a YouTube Video of Charlie Puth and the song When I See You Again, which was written for Paul Walker. I played the video and just reached a point in the song where I cracked. I sobbed and let it all out. I know it’s healthy and I’ve got no shame about crying, it’s a natural emotion. Like any other emotion you can bottle it up but eventually it’s going to come out in one form or another. Might as well just let it go when it hits. It’s the healthy thing to do, kind of like when you need to sneeze or cough. I really honestly thought I was done with crying and that I was comfortable with the fact that she is gone but the truth is that it’s still raw and it’s closing a very long chapter in my life.
My life chapters have been long. They all have evoked every emotion possible and I’ve learned a thing or two a long the way.
Chapter 1 – Figuring out my sexuality & getting comfortable with it
Chapter 2 – Meeting my late spouse
Chapter 3 – The loss of Grandma
Chapter 4 – The loss of Grandpa
Chapter 5 – Moving out of my childhood home & in with my late spouse
Chapter 6 – Taking in Momma, watching her give birth
Chapter 7 – The loss of #1 Son our 1st cat we had together
Chapter 8 – Taking in a stray & his friend
Chapter 9 – Losing my job, taking care of a sick cat, raiding my 401K and filing Bankruptcy
Chapter 10 – Getting Married then 3 months later losing my spouse
Chapter 11 – Starting to live on my own with 7 cats & a Bankruptcy that wasn’t mine. Losing a job and starting a new one
Chapter 12 – Slowly losing cats & the loss of my mom
Chapter 13 – The Pandemic how it changed me and my life, and Getting COVID and living through it
Chapter 14 – Losing Gator
That’s just off the cuff with little thought. There is plenty more to my entire story but those are kind of the high and low points mixed together. If you asked me a month or longer if I thought that my life would end after Gator passed, I would have told you yes. I did have intentions of ensuring that would come to pass. Why? Simply put I’ve got nothing to live for. The cats were my life and the reason why I got out of bed each day. They helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. Now that they are all gone my heart has a huge crater of a hole in it, it hurts and there just aren’t words that can express how deep that pain is.
Yet I’ve managed to keep on going, despite accidentally almost doing serious injury or worse to myself when I fell into that damn jet tub. I’ve spent lots of money like it’s growing on trees because I simply didn’t care. It’s time to settle up and it hurts. Today I see a bit clearer and yeah, the trip to the hotel and the laptop purchase were necessary at the time but today I could easily live without both. However, that’s not the way it works. You spend the money today on credit, you have to pay for it when the bill comes due and while that might seem like a million miles away it’s here quicker than you know it. I’ve said it a few times before money isn’t an issue, what I did didn’t put me in financial dire straits. It stings a little but it’s kind of like a papercut it hurts for a day or two and then it begins to feel better.
In case you have yet to figure it out, I’m using this post as a form of therapy, which largely is why I got into blogging in the first place. It was to provide a window into my life to the outside world. Strangers that I’ve never met and for the most part probably never will. However, I did get a good friend out of it through some drama that her, I and a bunch of other people fell into. That common thread caused us to bond. I started to type about the drama but that part of my life is over. When I lost my spouse, my friend had experience in that as well and that’s the first time we talked. She lived in Canada and sadly she passed during the pandemic from something other than COVID. It was a sudden thing that just got worse quickly. She was the first person’s funeral that I attended virtually. It was very strange and didn’t really offer much in the way of closure. I spoke with her family and even sent them something to comfort them. We (her and I) had another common thread that brought us together and that was the love of pie. I was supposed to go visit her eventually and we would meet at a pie place. Sadly, that never occurred. I felt bad about it but as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”. Well said and that’s a lesson and a reminder we can all use from time to time.
You and a couple of other people in the world are the only ones who truly know how much hurt, sorrow and loss that I have experienced and how it’s deeply affected me. Having PSTD from the loss of my spouse and then losing cats and my mom it makes me hypersensitive and combine that with my struggle with death and you’ve got one very hurt person.
One can only cry so much and hurt so much. I want it all to stop. I want life to deal me a better hand with more sunshine and rainbows. Throw in a boyfriend, some additional friends and either my job to get better or a new one – even better would be to win the lottery and be able to quit. I’m ready for a New Attitude and a New Life a much better one. I’ve tried slightly before to turn things around and while I didn’t fully accomplish my goal there was a light sprinkle of happiness mixed in. Losing Momma was the start of when things went off a cliff. As I am positioned today the only other person(s) that can die are either people that I grew up with, My Thanksgiving Friends, Work Colleagues or My Brother. I’m not isolated from death but I’ve got a slightly better position than what I had when the cats were all with me. Any additional losses at this point will hurt but short of my Brother I don’t think that any would affect me as greatly as the loss of my spouse and my cats have. I kind of like that insulation and want to be alone but I know it’s not healthy long term, especially when I work from home so much.
In prison they use isolation as a form of punishment or reserve it for someone who has committed such a horrible crime or crimes. In that case you’ve got no distraction, your just stuck in a tiny cell and maybe get an hour a week for some recreation and/or a shower. With nothing but time on your hands and no distraction I can see how it can be so maddening and cause one to quite literally go insane. Yet here I am post pandemic alone and I’ve got my freedom, semi decent health and a couple friends. We don’t function as I think friends should where we get together frequently or do things together. Instead, it’s just someone to be with around the major holidays for comfort and if there is a crisis in my life such as with the loss of my spouse or a cat, they are there for me. However, it’s on a limited basis and there is only so much they can or will do.
Getting two chunky monkey cats would give me company and companionship, which I think would be healthy. It will affect my wallet more and draw me back to the vet that I really don’t want to go back to. It puts a couple of boat anchors or a yolk around my neck and I am encumbered. However, in return for the responsibility I get love, affection and companionship mixed in with a laugh or two here and there. Eventually that relationship will change and the cats will get older as will I. They will need more medical care as will I and I will be right back in the same damn position I was with each cat that I owned where I have to make a decision. That’s the part I want to avoid, that’s the part that causes all of the hurt & pain. Hence why I would kind of rather be alone, even if only a temporary thing and not a long-term thing. I wouldn’t have the responsibility and I wouldn’t have the possibility of something dying on me again.
You can pretty well take this to the bank, if I do it again regardless of how many years I get with them, when they pass then I am out forever. I won’t own another pet of any kind. Primarily because if things go like they are supposed to I will be in my late 60’s or mid 70’s and my health will probably be declining by then. I never really thought about that aspect of my life until I started looking over adoption applications and all of the information they wanted. One of the questions is for what reason would you entertain returning the pet and one of the responses is owner’s health has declined. Wow that’s me I’m going to eventually have serious health problems just like an elderly cat. Think of that, then think of being alone and well its not such a good combo. I can only hope that I will meet a boy, guy, man that will care for me like I cared for my late spouse for many years and through many health events.
I said all of that to fall back to my original opinion that if it’s meant to be it will happen. If for whatever reason this doesn’t work then I will take the warning and stop trying to jump back into cat city and take a break. It might be temporary or it might be forever, it’s kind of like just playing it by ear. However, I think that these two will fall in love with me and that I will wind up adopting them. While they aren’t the Tuxedo cats that I wanted and they aren’t as young as I wanted, they aren’t terribly old. I will know more after tomorrow’s visit and right now I am just in emotional soup. There is some doubt, stress, worry and wondering. Will any of it benefit me, of course not. But I stress out on anything major in my life and this is more than just two cats, it’s a huge financial commitment. Kind of like purchasing a car or a home and well that financial stuff is scary because you know not what lies ahead. While today I have no worry or concern, I am an At Will Employee and my job doesn’t come with a guarantee or contract as to employment. Cats or not, if I lose my job I am screwed and not in a good way. Again, I’ve got no worries or immediate concerns. Not that I am trying to will any bad vibes here but there is that damn black cloud that follows me like my shadow and it puts out some Monsoons from time to time.
On a different note, last night (Friday) I got a whim to try to reinstall Windows on my computer. I started at 8p and it was 2a before I was even close to going to bed. I fixed the search function in Windows and a couple of other issues that were looming. I had to fight to get some customizations reapplied but things seem really stable and good right now. Hopefully, they stay that way. It was just a reinstall of windows on top of what was here, it kept all of my programs and data. I was doubtful if it would work but alas it did, just took its sweet time and with the customization fight that is what took up the larger part of my evening. Nothing like me trying to solve a computer problem, I’m like a dog with a bone and don’t know the word quit. If my little furry alarm clock would have been here, she would have been screaming her head off at me. I’m really surprised that I actually made it to my therapy session. Which by the way went better than the last 2. I am kind of on the fence if I want to keep going now or just stop. I haven’t scheduled anything but I’ve got the ability to. I am entitled to 3 more sessions and I have to schedule the next one within 3 weeks of today or the relationship automatically terminates.
I got some good food for supper, have a little bit left over that will go good for lunch tomorrow. I should pass out rather quickly tonight because I have not had a nap all day long. It’s been pure sugar and caffeine that powered me along with a minor dose of adrenaline.
Going to make a quick call, maybe surf for some porn and then upstairs and relaxing followed by eventually bedtime. I plan to be an early riser tomorrow, get breakfast out and hit up the grocery store. Then try to kill time until I need to leave for the Meet & Greet.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not only reading all of my blather and rambling but just being there with me on this journey that we call life. You are appreciated! Take care and I’ll be back with an update on how things go.