Spotify Play List

I was really surprised this year by my Spotify Play List.  Normally my number 1 artist is Charlie Puth.  It’s been that way for the last 4 years.  This year my top artist was AC/DC and Charlie came in at number two.  Dixon Dallas was number three, Bob Seger was number four and finally Thomas Mac was number five. 

My top songs

1 – Like Whiskey by Dixon Dallas

2 – T.N.T. by AC/DC

3 – Kick You When Your Down by AC/DC (really love this song)

4 – Hit My Spot by ur pretty

5 – Say Hi to That Prick for Me by Thomas Mac

How did your list turn out?  Were you surprised in that your number 1 artist changed? 

 

Silly Habit

  Recently I have noticed a silly habit that I can’t seem to break.  When I am in my office every once and a while I look to the right as if someone is coming around the corner.  I expect to see a person or a cat but there isn’t ever anyone there.  My late spouse would trek down here once and a great while but as his mobility issues became greater I think it was easy two to three years prior to his death that he last came down here.  Momma [my late cat] would follow me down or if she didn’t do that after enough time lapsed and she had enough, she would come looking for me and either check in or demand that I come upstairs.  Her kids were all born here in the basement so they would all wonder in from time to time.  As they grew up the only one that would be in the basement regularly was Ruth.  She usually would hiss at me as I walked by to get to my office.  I would casually say hello back to her.  She just didn’t like anyone touching her, unless of course it was on her terms and those terms were severely limited. 

You would think since my spouse has been gone for 6 years and Momma has been gone for 6 months that I would have gotten used to it and stop the silly habit but it still persists.  I don’t know that it will ever go away.

The other day I was starting my day and Gator decided to come looking for me.  I heard a faint meow and walked around the corner, there she was.  I was also on the phone and my co-worker found it rather amusing.  She was having a rough day and even though I am only in the basement she felt that I should be next to her.  Her and her brother get separation anxiety and bellow out from time to time.  I check on them each time I go up.  I like the times where they are sleeping and don’t even know I am there, but those times are rare.  They hear my footsteps and perk up long before I am there. 

I’m sure there are other silly habits that I have but this was the one that came to mind.  Am I alone or do you have silly habits? 

My Coming Out Story

 

I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial.  What they failed to realize is that my brother was setting me up to take the fall.  While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me.  Of course, I wasn't acting right because I was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell into.  I was the victim when I looked like the aggressor [perpetrator].  They say everything happens for a reason and well it did. 

It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it.  I myself didn't even know it and denied it.  Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right.   While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up.  I hadn't yet figured out who I was.  Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time.  I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well.  He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy.  The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice. 

My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was.  I didn't understand why.  He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe.  It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do.  I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing.  As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her.  I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.

One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening.  I told her that I was gay.  She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life.  I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting.  That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it.  She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued.  She asked me what kind of sex I had.  Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it.  She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting.  Then she asked where she was and where this took place.  That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place.  Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was.  She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend.  I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life.  The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather.  He surely would kick me out and disown me.  I am positive that she never said a word to him. 

Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't.  My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass.  I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly.  I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared.  Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went.  I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened.  He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word.  It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me.  He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated.  That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him.  I honestly never really thought about it at the time.  I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.   

As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother.  My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no.  She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried.  I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent.  She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems.  She always said that I should be a top.  She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work.  Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.

My brother kind of figured things out on his own.  I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him.  However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did. 

The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience.  Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done.  Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on.  Your never ever done coming out of the closet.  I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them.  Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me. 

I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men.  We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine.  I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom.  Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business.  I get the curiosity to want to know that.   I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.

A side note, a bit off topic.  The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son.  We wouldn't bother to correct them.  He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me.  To us it was humorous.  I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes.  It was a compromise that we agreed upon.  He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals.  I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt.  I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us]. 

Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back.  Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak.  I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I.  However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment.  I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid.  How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job?  How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship?  My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out.  There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively.  While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell. 

Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well.  The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay.  There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because.  No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR.  What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group.  We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse.  Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know.  I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me.  I am Jeremy a man.  Being gay is just part of who I am.  Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am.  It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't. 

I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride.  I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay.  I cried just as they did.  I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life.  While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what.  You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur. 

Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards.  I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant.  She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made.  I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now. 

You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out.  Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature.  If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age.  If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do.  Below are some resources that I hope are of help. 

HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out 

Matthew Shepard Foundation  - Coming Out Resources 

The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

 

 

Good news for you

I don’t think that I mentioned it but I wrote a book. This was all going back to when I lost my spouse and all that came with that horrible event, while I was going through it. Once the dust settled I self-published the book with the help of LULU.com. I rushed to get it in print and there unfortunately were horrible editing mistakes that I overlooked and didn’t catch until I was reading a proof that I had ordered. The book was for sale for a short time and even made it on Amazon, before I pulled it. Sadly, I didn’t sell one copy, which was okay, I mean I didn’t think of it as a major source of income but if I could make a little money it would be worth it. My family of course laughed at me and told me how foolish I was. I did set a goal and accomplish it, which made it worthwhile for me. I ordered several proofs and autographed them and sent them to the people that I valued most for helping me through what was a very low point in my life to show my thanks and appreciation.

I’ve often thought about a second book and even made a go at it but never really had the drive to put all of the energy and time into it like I did the first one. If you haven’t done it before, book writing is very time consuming and I didn’t know that going into it. I figured a couple hours here and there and within a week I could be done. Then publish it and presto the work is done. I wish it would have worked like that but it didn’t happen. It took at least six months if not longer to pour over it and write what I did. Thinking of names for chapters, much less the title was difficult.

I mention the book because I like to have a topic to write about and trying to think of new topics to keep you my readers entertained is a bit of a challenge to me, since I live what I think of as a dull & lonely life. I am just an average person who happens to be gay and lost their mate. The world has become a lonely and empty place void of the joy and pleasure that I used to have. Don’t get me wrong I do get a laugh now and then and I still have orgasms, ice cream and good food so it’s not all bad.

I want to be able to help people but also be able to help myself through writing. Building up a following and getting feedback (comments) feels good and gives me the drive to continue. I am starved for attention among other things. I am not rich or well off by any stretch of the imagination, that’s why I have a full-time job because absent of that I would have no money. I am proud of how far I have come and the obstacles that I have tackled. So, it may seem from time to time as if I am bragging and well, I suppose I am. I amaze myself and marvel in the fact that I have made it this far, which I didn’t think would ever be possible. I’ve proven to myself you don’t know what you can accomplish until your back is against the wall and you have no choice. I’ve given it some thought and am pleased to inform you that moving forward, I have elected to share some of the content with you, my readers. I’m doing this with the hopes that you will get a more accurate picture of me, be able to relate more to me and perhaps walk away with some lessons learned. I will of course continue with my normal posting of happenings in my current life as well as my feelings.

Right now, it’s Sunday morning soon to be afternoon. I am a little sleepy, the cats are starved for attention and probably think it’s close to lunch time. I could use a little bit of time away from this box. I have some work tasks to do a bit later this afternoon that will keep me glued here for longer than I want, so I figure might as well enjoy some freedom and relaxation while it still exists.

I hope that your having a great day and that life is going well for you. Thanks for your visit today and be sure to come back again soon.

Loosing my religion

 It’s a great song by REM and I figured it was appropriate for this post.  I wanted to talk about Religion & God.  It seems to be a hot topic and just like politics, you’re not supposed to talk about it because it can cause tempers to flair.  What works for one person doesn’t work for another and as the saying goes different strokes for different folks.  The purpose of this post is just to inform you of my beliefs, I am not looking to start a war or to anger anyone.  Life is too short for that. 

I was raised Roman Catholic and went to Catholic grade school up until the 5^th grade (mid semester).  The school had some lay teachers but mostly I was educated by Nuns.  In second grade I thought I wanted to become a priest.  Everyone made fun of me for that.  My grandfather thought it was a great idea.  That would be one of the few times we would see eye to eye. 

Our parish priest was run out of town because a good portion of the parishioners thought he was gay.  Turns out years later I found out that he was in fact gay.  This was covered up with the excuse that he became an alcoholic and he was reassigned.  We got a new priest and it was odd to adjust to, but he was a decent guy. 

The gay priest that was run out of town still owned a home that he purchased so he was frequently back in the area.  As I got older, he made a request for me to come and do some yard work for him.  He was a slave driver and if you told him you were done, he inspected and then you found out you weren’t done.  He paid very cheaply as well.  He had rented out the house to a guy who he called a friend.  The guy was gay and I didn’t have much interaction with him.  I know your probably thinking this is where I am going to tell you that I was molested or sexually abused.  Nope, nothing ever happened.  Never mind that we were both gay, I had yet to discover my sexuality.  I did keep in touch with the priest but stopped working for him, manual labor just wasn’t my thing.

I went through the motions or ritual of the Catholic Church.  However, as I was growing up both me and my younger brother went to a Baptist Church for day care, which eventually turned into after school care.  Vacation Bible School was part of the program there and all of the kids had to go.  They took us to church and had their alter call.  I don’t know if I felt guilt or was just enamored by the whole ordeal but I answered an alter call and said that I wanted a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  My grandmother came unhinged and shut that down quickly.  I was Catholic and that’s all there was to it.  It was a simple misunderstanding.  I felt that the Protestants had more entertainment and less church than the Catholics.  It was more enjoyable and I had more of a good time than anything. 

Fast forward to around the age of 18 when I had just completed High School.  I met my spouse and he was Assembly of God.  That’s Pentecostal which was nothing even remotely close to Catholic.  I went to church with him a couple times and then decided that I wanted to convert.  My grandparents were heart broken by my decision.  However, I was an adult [under the law] and old enough to make my own decisions.  It was not as if the door to the Catholic Church was shut on me, I was always welcome back. 

My grandmother developed a Brain Tumor which altered her personality and decision making.  We all saw it but none of us could pin-point what was wrong with her.  I got her a doctor’s appointment and when she came home, she told me that she had a cyst and needed to take baths but that she was otherwise okay.  We gave it a few days but clearly, she still wasn’t herself and things were getting worse and not better.  I called the doctor and got another appointment for her.  He ordered a cat scan and she came home mad as a wet hen at me.  She was at the point where she was through with me.  That simply meant what it implies, she wanted nothing more to do with me, she wouldn’t speak to me unless it was absolutely necessary.  Once you got her to that stage there was no coming back, she stuck to her guns.  In any case we got the results back and found out that she had a Brain Tumor.  She was admitted to the hospital and then we found out that it was cancerous and that it spread to her lungs.  She was a life long smoker so it was understandable.  However, she was in her early 60’s, still very young. 

I stuck to my faith in God, I prayed for her and had prayer going for her at church.  She made some progress and was able to come home.  Then we all started fighting over her and she got worse.  We had to put her back in the hospital and they induced her into a coma.  It was pretty bad because she started calling for her dead sister [a sister who passed when I was very young and didn’t get to meet]. 

I was with my spouse at his original home and we were praying.  He got a call from God that told him to get me to the hospital as quickly as possible.  Him and God well they had a direct line to each other.  There was only one problem we were in late December; it was late and there was a massive snow storm.  Still he drove us [he knew how to drive a car well] and we raced there.  The entire way he told me to pray.  Keep in mind that my grandmother was in a coma and hadn’t spoken for days.  She was on a feeding tube.  We arrived at the hospital and magically she was awake, alert and oriented.  She couldn’t talk that well but we did have a conversation.  Things went very well and I didn’t want to leave despite it being well after visiting hours.  I had to be pried away from her.  I was so excited to see some progress and I was quick to tell the rest of the family that I thought she was getting better.  The next evening, she died.  I was the last person she spoke to. 

I viewed her being awake and able to carry on a conversation with her as a miracle because she wasn’t supposed to be talking with me.  For God to take her from me was a huge disappointment but I remain thankful to this very day that I was able to talk with her one last time, even though I didn’t know it would be our last conversation.  We parted on good terms, she was no longer angry at me and was truly herself and not in an altered personality.  That warmed my heart. 

I went on to become a member of my spouse’s church.  Things were going well and then politics entered as they do in most churches.  I didn’t see them as a Catholic but they were there.  At any rate the church split.  I was with the ½ of the church that was for our pastor who was a good guy and had done nothing wrong.  We went on to form a smaller congregation and eventually we [me and my spouse] elected to stop going.  It was more of a chore.  We had to go further away, meet late on Sunday afternoon and it was honestly more of a hassle than anything. 

We both still prayed but our connections with God or at least mine became distant.  I saw him work before.  I saw him work again when my spouse had a bad accident and shouldn’t have walked away but did.  Then I saw my spouse suffer his first stroke, he was told he would never walk again and would have problems speaking.  He went on to regain his speech and mobility.  There are other events that I am sure God played a part in but I lost touch. 

My spouse passed away shortly after Easter but prior to that he became interested in some series that I can only remember as The Christ but according to Google there isn’t anything like that at least that’s my findings from the cursory search I did.  Anyway, we had a talk about 2 days before his second stroke hit.  He told me that I needed to strengthen my faith and not waffle, God is there and he is real.  All I have to do is believe and have faith.  He said something like I told God to take me and I told him that I wished he wouldn’t have said that.  He asked me why and I told him because your going to die.  He was having some further mobility problems and some of the affects from the first stroke were starting to reoccur like having balance issues.  Little did I know that it was because he stopped taking his medicine. 

I’m glad that I didn’t become a priest because if I did chances are, I would have been caught up in the sexual scandal that rocked the Catholic Church.  Sexual abuse has been going on long before this scandal came to light.  I never did understand why one had to be celibate and couldn’t get married.  I think that caused a lot of the trouble.  I mean were all only human and humans have desires.  One can only repress or ignore their sexual feelings for so long before they eventually wind up giving in. 

As you probably guessed my belief in God has wavered.  I listen to people like the Late George Carlin who refers to God as an invisible man in the sky.  He always needs money but you can’t see him.  If your interested just give it a Google I am sure you could hear the whole routine. 

I also refer to a time when I was sick, still living in my childhood home after my grandmother had passed.  I got up out of bed because I needed to use the restroom.  I remember walking from my room to the bathroom entrance and closing the door behind me.  After that things got foggy.  I got this horrible pain in my stomach and can remember bending over.  When I woke up about a ½ hour later I found myself across the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my head.  Just before I woke up, I remember seeing a bright light.  It was the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life and then presto fully awake and confused.  I got up and figured out that I had passed out and hit my head on the sink, I needed stiches.  I went from fully awake to no memory, no existents at all.  I remember being winded from the pain and who knows if I actually stopped breathing for a moment but I suspect I did.  My point here is that I didn’t see God, I didn’t see my dead Grandmother – I simply stopped existing for a few moments. 

When I get into a jam I still pray as I am sure many people do.  I became an Ordained Minister, by the power vested in the internet and parting with some cash, I can officially marry, bury and preform other ceremonies.  It’s something that I always wanted to do.  To date I have yet to use it.  I thought it would be neat to have the clergy sticker and park in the clergy spot at the hospital when I go for my blood draws as it’s better parking but again I have yet to do it. 

Today I still waiver if there is a God and if there isn’t.  What if when we die the lights just get turned off and we leave our shell of a body.  There truly isn’t a heaven or hell.  What exactly is a soul?  Why can’t I see God?  Sure, I have felt his work but what if that wasn’t his work but rather a stroke of good luck?  It’s all very confusing.  Someone once said to me when I started to talk about God, how can you say there is a God when babies die?  Yeah, I can’t answer that.  I mean were all essentially born to die when you think about it.  Why have some of the bad things like the death of my spouse, the difficult time I had afterwards and the criminal event I described in a past post occur?  If there was a God surely, he would only want the best for me.  He wouldn’t want me to suffer.  Why did he take my family from me?  It’s all a twist. 

It’s odd that you can take a “bad person” who is a criminal and lock them up.  They will soon find Jesus or God.  Most everyone in Prison talks about a higher power in some form or fashion.  The same is true if you get into a recovery group like for alcohol or drugs, it’s actually part of the 12-step program. 

I have a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of confusion.  I don’t know if I will ever sort it out before it’s too late.  All I can tell you for sure is that if there is a Heaven and I will be reunited with all of my family, then that’s where I want to be when I die. 

Wrongfully Convicted

I watched the series Outcry, season 1 that covers the story of Greg Kelley.  Mr. Kelley is in High School and seems to have the world by the tail when he is wrongfully accused and convicted of molesting a child.  As the series unfolds you learn of a second victim who recants his story when the case goes to trial.  This was an amazing series that covered this story and how Mr. Kelley got a very raw deal.  He had several [5 in total I believe] years of his life taken from him.  He was set to go to College and play football and odds were that he would have gone pro.  That possibility still remains today.  I was beyond thrilled when I learned in the last episode that he was exonerated and found innocent of the charges he was originally convicted of.  He’s a very handsome young man who appears to still have a bright future ahead of him as well as some money coming his way from being wrongfully convicted and imprisoned.  If you have Showtime, I highly recommend watching this show. 

Much more familiar to most people is the Making a Murder documentary that aired on Netflix.  Where 2 people were convicted of murdering a woman.  If you’re somehow not familiar with this I also highly recommend watching this series.  I do have my doubts about the innocents of Steven Avery, but the more that time goes on the less and less those doubts remain.  I am 100% convinced that his nephew Brendan Dassey was wrongfully convicted and is in prison serving a sentence that he shouldn’t be.  He was spoon fed information and confessed to something that he didn’t do.  It’s outrageous that he has exhausted all of his legal avenues for appeal.  Just a very sad case and a life taken away from a boy who was mentally challenged at the time of his confession, he didn’t realize that his life was at stake.  He thought if he told the police what they wanted to hear that he could go back to school and resume his life.  Yes, I am 100% serious – it’s in the movie. 

Then there is the movie Dream Killer, which tells the story of Ryan Ferguson.  Who was also in High School.  Because a friend of his had a dream that he killed a newspaper reporter and implicated Ryan.  Both Ryan and his friend were wrongfully convicted.  Ryan ultimately was exonerated and found innocent of the charges he was originally convicted of.  Today he is free.  I followed this case as it was unfolding and it was mind blowing on how he got in this predicament because someone had a dream that he did it. 

Little do you know that its highly probable in today's society to be convicted of a crime or crimes that you are completely innocent of.  I do realize that most people that are convicted profess their innocence and say that the system failed them and the police have it all wrong.  That’s why once your found guilty it’s a complete uphill battle to get the conviction overturned and vacated.  Not to mention that Criminal Defense Attorneys [like all attorneys] charge a large hourly rate and it will require a lot of time and money.  If your lucky you can get a decent attorney who will fight for your rights on a pro-bono [free] basis. 

As you can well imagine there is countless amounts of emotions that these people experience, most of which is depression and sadness as well as anger.  However, when you see a wrongfully convicted person win the amount of joy that they express is uncontrollable and you can’t help but feel joy for them and shed a tear, two or in some cases many. 

One day my life changed forever.  I found myself the prime suspect in a criminal investigation for an incident that occurred.  Understand that I am being vague for a reason and I am unable to fully share all of the details.  In fact, saying what little bit I am is a bit risky in my book, but I am doing so just to help open people’s eyes that YES THIS IN FACT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!  Because it happened to me!  You’re living your life as an average upstanding citizen and some law enforcement official gets a hard on and wants to put you in jail because they think you committed a crime that you didn’t.  It’s only logical to conclude that the truth will set you free and that you can explain your way out of it.  Well friends, that’s where your dead wrong.  In the Miranda warning your given ahead of any questioning they say “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law”.  That isn’t just a happy phrase it’s the truth, anything and everything you say is spun around and used against you, no matter how innocuous you think it is, to some sharp legal shooter they can turn everything around so that nothing you say appears to be credible, that’s their job, they are quite good and they do it for a living each and every day.  That’s the advantage that you don’t have. 

Needless to say, that I had the shit scared out of me, which is exactly where they wanted me to be since I wouldn’t willingly confess.  There was no evidence against me and without a confession law enforcement was powerless.  The best piece of advice I can give you is that if you find yourself in a situation like this, say nothing and demand an attorney.  That is your legal right and it’s better to let a person who’s job it is to defend people help you game plan and find an appropriate path forward.  Most criminal defense attorneys are used to working with clients that are guilty.  On a rare basis they get a client who is innocent and they can feel it and see it beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

In my case, my spouse had passed I went through several years of hell where I had to fight to keep a roof over my head as well as fight for what was legally and rightfully mine.  Get passed all of that, get a good job and I thought the worst thing in my life happened, I have survived a real-life nightmare and there isn’t anything worse.  Little did I know what was around the corner waiting for me. 

This involves my family and I fully believe that I was setup to take the fall [framed].  Something like this can divide a family and in fact it did.  On the advice of counsel, I didn’t speak with my family.  This was difficult because at the time my mom was in a nursing home because she could no longer care for herself, she had the physical ability but lacked the mental ability.  Sadly, I didn’t get to say goodbye to her and explain why I had to shut her out and that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.  She died suddenly.  I have my doubts if my mom was in on it but if she didn’t request me to help her, which is what started the wheels in motion, I would have avoided this most unfortunate and frightening experience.  I blindly walked in thinking I was going to do a favor for her and little did I know that things would go awry. 

My family has always been jealous of me because I was able to make something of myself, that’s to say I was able to have a decent job and earn a respectable living.  There was no question that I earn more than them.  This is despite the fact that my mom and brother both had advanced education beyond me.  I was the one who was always told that I wouldn’t amount to anything and the tables turned because I fought to earn everything I have ever had.  I wasn’t given anything in life and to this day that remains true.  Fighting all of your life gets exhausting and you tire and want to give up.  There is a fight or drive in me that won’t permit me to give up, even when I want to and I am tired.  This surprises me to this day.  I am beyond grateful and thankful for what I have.  It’s not much but it’s far more than anyone ever thought I would have and it’s more than I imagined in my wildest dreams.

To think that everything could be gone in the blink of an eye that was terrifying.  I left for work each morning saying goodbye to my cats in tears, not knowing if I would return home.  I had problems concentrating at work, but somehow managed to do my job although I did make some mistakes.  I went to bed each night wondering if there would be a knock on the door.  Never mind the fact that I didn’t commit a crime nor do anything illegal.  I found out first-hand how exactly expensive hiring a criminal defense attorney is and I had to take out a loan to come up with the retainer and then shell out a considerable amount more to cover hourly costs and expenses once the retainer was exhausted.  I was never arrested or charged.  It was a horrible experience and one that I hope to never, ever repeat.  The most criminal offense that I am guilty of is speeding and I’ve been caught a time or two.  I have no luck, I couldn’t commit a crime beyond speeding and get away with it, my conscience would eat me alive.  I remember telling the police that if I did what I was being accused of I would own up to it but I can’t confess to something I am innocent of.  I do like to solve problems; I am better at solving other people’s problems than my own.  I think that might well be true for many people.  This matter was no different and I do believe I have figured out the guilty parties but on the advice of counsel I have to remain silent.   Yet to this day I want to scream from the mountain top and let them dig, if I am wrong so be it but odds are, I am dead on balls accurate.  I want someone to pay for the unnecessary hell I went through and the money that I had to piss away.  It matters not who that person or persons are.  I can keep a secret but this one is really difficult.  It’s frustrating that law enforcement didn’t see what was right in front of their face the whole time.  It was equally as frustrating that it took me as long as it did to figure it out. 

Needless to say, that my ears perk up when I hear about a wrongful conviction.  Watching a story unfold in a movie or documentary is of great interest to me and it’s nice when it ends with the person being set free.  Of course, it would be great if they were never convicted in the first place.  I hope that my experience has opened your eyes a bit.  I do hope that no one is ever in the predicament that I was in but if you are, my advice is sound and practical.  Say nothing and demand an attorney.  Doing anything other than that will work to your detriment. 

Memory Lane

It seems lately I have been taking trips down Memory Lane. Be it in thoughts, dreams or in blogging. I figure I’ll travel a little further down the road here.

It’s been a very long time since I had to think about comment moderation. Today I saw a private comment that made mention of a second blog that I have. My original blog EL HOMO BLOGO was where I made my start. I had a great readership hearing from guys (young & old) all over the world. It was awesome and I was much younger. It was a fun time. I did something silly and started up a second blog that was focused on gay sex. I was posting explicit images as well as graphic original stories that were fantasies of mine (the names were changed to protect the innocent, as they say). I had the mature content warning up (the banner you see about being over 18 and having to click a button). There were a lot of gay blogs that were mysteriously shutdown all at once. During a period of time where I believe Blogger changed owners. It wasn’t terribly long after the big shut down happened, that they started to pick off others one at a time. Taking into consideration that some of my content most probably pushed the envelope and violated the TOS [Terms of Service] of Blogger at the time, they whacked both of my blogs since they were linked to the same account. I appealed and that went no where fast. For years I tried to get the original name back. I had no way to reach out to my readers and let them know what happened and my fun came to a halt quickly. Needless to say, I was quite upset about it and thought it was unfair.

Years later I found that my original name for my blog was once again available. I was quick to scoop it up. I made a post to let anyone know that might visit the old blog to come on over to my new virtual home. That blog has 2 posts on it one from when I was able to get the name back and one from today, both of which point you to this blog. While I have two blogs registered to me, I only publish regularly here. I like to hang on to the original name for nostalgia and maybe the hope that I could get a former reader back.

Being 100% transparent I got off from looking for material to publish as well as publishing the material and writing the stories. I don’t think I was wrong for doing what I did, but I will still refer to it as a mistake. The thing about mistakes is that as long as you learn from them and don’t repeat them it’s okay. Consider it a life lesson. When you know better, you do better. 

It’s very nice for a platform such as Blogger to give away an endless amount of space to people [such as myself] for free to publish their blogs, regardless of content. Thanks Blogger! I have learned from the error of my ways.

Considering that I have new readers, the true joy of blogging is coming back to life and considering that the world at large is on lock down it’s refreshing to have something to look forward to and to get enjoyment from.

Funny story, I chose the name EL HOMO because one of the guys I used to work with at quitting time always said, okay time to go EL HOME-O, meaning returning to home. I thought it was cute and a perfect name for my digital home.

On a different note, today was a rough day at the office so I am looking forward to some R&R with the kids tonight. Hopefully, I can find something decent to watch to occupy my time. I hope all is well in your world and that you are safe. Take care and I will talk with you peeps again soon!

In case your new here

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. In case your new here, I wanted to tell you about me. I’m gay, but you probably figured that out by the title of my blog. I have a witty and also a dry sense of humor. I believe at least some of it was inherited from my late grandmother or so I’d like to think. I am verbose or in simpler terms I like to talk. Sometimes that can get me in trouble and other times it keeps me out of trouble.

I am in my late 40’s, I am out of shape but with a little work that can change. I am a type 2 diabetic and have a lower back injury. I’ve got an ongoing battle with depression, but outside of that I’m well. I prefer the air-conditioned office to working manual labor. I am a masculine guy. My taste in men varies but in general a little bit but not too much muscle, smooth but not overly hairy. I am most definitely an ass man. The smaller the better and of course there is nothing wrong with a bubble butt. I get that there is more to a man than his body and while I can look for hours at beautiful men and obsess at the end of the day, I’m not about the hook up, I am about building a relationship so I don’t have casual sex, ever. It sounds like fun but just not my cup of tea. I love food (hence part of the reason why I am out of shape). Italian, Mexican and American are my favorites. I can be a picky eater. I don’t like exotic things or gourmet food. Give me something classic like a Burrito, Lasagna or a Pork Fritter. Sweets are my downfall. Donuts, Cake, Pie, Ice Cream, Cookies and most any kind of pastry. My childhood neighbors ran a bakery and they were forever giving my family things from their shop. I think that is part of the reason why I just love sugar.

I was together with my spouse (an older man) since I was around 18 or 19 years old. It’s around 25 years total that we were together. While we were together for years, we weren’t married until 4 months before he passed away. He had lots of health problems but as long as he took his medication, he was fine. Long story short he became confused and like me he had a love for sugar. He stopped taking his blood thinner medication for what is estimated to be around 3 months and began consuming Coca-Cola like it was going out of style. He thought he was taking his medicine but in reality, he wasn’t. There were signs and plenty of them but I didn’t realize it until it was far too late. He had a massive 2^nd stroke (the first one happened many years back, after a doctor gave him too much clotting medicine while he was undergoing a surgical procedure). He was on life support and I had to make the decision to remove it because there was no chance for a meaningful recovery and/or a quality life. While it might sound like an overwhelming decision it was actually the easiest thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong it was difficult but we had talked about it and expressed our wishes. We had legal paperwork to back up our decisions so they were in writing. We always thought that he would go first and it’s probably better that way. He was my rock and shield, he taught me a lot of things in the time we were together. Like in any relationship/life there were good & bad times. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having met him.

Once he passed away, I didn’t and still don’t care that much for living. I am going on for one major reason and that is the cats. My hope is that I will meet a guy and fall in love, that will be reason enough to go on and hopefully I will once again find happiness. At the time he [my late spouse] passed away I had a menagerie of 7 cats. 5 of them were family. I took in a pregnant female cat years earlier and she had 2 boys and 2 girls. He named her children (I got to name her) and once you name them, your stuck with them. Say what you will but it’s the truth. I did try to give them away and he claims to have tried but it just didn’t come to pass. Earlier this year I lost Momma that pregnant female I took in 17 years ago. She never, ever for a second forgot that I was her savior. After my spouse passed away, she did a wonderful job looking after me like a mother would and reminding me when it was time to wake up, time to go to bed and of course time to feed her and pay her attention. 1 of her sons and 1 of her daughters are still with me. Her daughter has taken her place, in that she is looking after me, while it’s not the same thing I can easily see the resemblance.

I was raised by my mom’s parents. I had a relationship with my biological mom but never met my biological father, because he chose to disown me. After my grandfather passed away in 1998, we got a house and moved in together. He wanted a brand-new house and I am the one who gave him the idea of just buying one that was on the market. He had a dream to one day live in the subdivision we are in. I am not quite fond of it at all but like any good husband I supported him and his dreams as he supported mine. The place was a few years old but in excellent shape. Once we moved in, we found issues and it quickly earned its name “The Money Pit” yes, just like the movie. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the movie just minor things but it was frustrating. The house is getting old just like it’s occupants and it needs work. I am not a handy man or a mechanic, nor am I a wealthy person. I am barely middle class. I have a few nice things but a large bank account isn’t one of them.

As you can well imagine it felt like my world came to and end when he passed away. We weren’t open about our sexuality. Those people that needed to know, knew but otherwise as a couple we elected to keep it quiet. Once he died, I was all too eager to tell the world as I wanted to do many years earlier. There was hurt from that and he told me that would happen but at least I don’t have to feel like I am hiding. I don’t walk around with a shirt or a bumper sticker and I am not out at work to the company. I have told my boss and a few co-workers. I made the mistake of telling a former co-worker and one day we didn’t get along because she turned into a cunt, then she announced it to the office behind my back. I of course didn’t find out until the damage was done. Sadly, many more people than I want to know, know but it is what it is. I am a private person and don’t like to live in the limelight.

I am not boasting or gloating but I have dealt with a lot of shit in my lifetime and been in plenty of situations where it didn’t look good for me. Somehow things managed to turn around and I survived. There is absolutely no doubt that my late spouse would be nothing short of proud of me and who I am today. Knowing that also helps to keep me pushing on.

I don’t really have any friends. That is a scary thing when you find yourself sick or like now when there is a pandemic. I’ve got a married older couple who I refer to as my thanksgiving friends. They have been by my side from the time he got sick and died but with time our relationship is slowly starting to fizzle or so I feel. I am always calling them; they never call me except when it gets close to thanksgiving. I make reservations and we go out to eat as a matter of carrying on a tradition that me and my late spouse set many years ago. I don’t think that will be the case this year with the pandemic looming, but hey we still have a few months so it’s possible but I don’t have high hopes.

I have been on countless dating websites and apps. I went on 2 dates. One of them was because I agreed to pay upfront. The other guy was poor or claimed to be. The photo he sent me was touched up because in real life he was covered with warts and you could easily tell he was gay because when he spoke, his purse fell out of his mouth. He tried to get me to come back to his place and I know he wanted sex but that didn’t happen. He poured on the pressure for weeks, to the point where I had to be an asshole and just tell him to leave me alone. The second guy well he was younger than me, had wealthy parents and he was more interested in being on his phone than on a date with me. He ended the date abruptly by running out of the restaurant. He just suddenly had to go and said keep in touch. Yeah, we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. Striking up a conversation on an app is difficult at best. You start with a hi how’s it going and get a hello and fine back. Then it’s awkward really quick. I don’t like alcohol and I am not a smoker, which is why you won’t find me at a bar.

COVID has really put a halt on my dating efforts. I found a website called meet up where you can join a group of people who have a common interest, the group meets up in person and that’s how you make friends. There are plenty of LGBT groups and one of them happened to be a foodie’s group which I thought was perfect for me. They decided to still meetup after the initial ban was lifted in our area but that was just too risky for me. I have since dropped out and have plans to rejoin once life returns to a state of normal. I hope that I will be able to meet a guy that way. It’s kind of tough to ignore a person when they are sitting across from you, whereas in digital form it’s really easy to ignore someone.

Speaking of digital form, that leads me to what I do for a living. I am an IT Professional. I started out in support where when someone forgot their password, I would be the person they called or they didn’t know how to work a program or the machine was doing odd things. Yeah that was me, Mr. Fix it to the rescue. I am 100% self-taught. I graduated High School and have 0 college and 0 certifications. Today I am a senior cyber-security analyst protecting a large organization. I am thankful in that anywhere I can get an internet connection I can work. My employer prior to COVID wasn’t terribly receptive to working from home but today the entire organization is working remote. I am really particularly proud of my professional accomplishment. People actually seek me out to ask for help or my opinion, it’s really great. My employer takes care of their people and as of tomorrow I will be there 6 full years and hopefully with many, many more to come.

I’ve got a brother who is one year younger than me. We are polar opposites. He likes girls and manual labor. I like boys and air conditioning. We were brothers when we were younger but that quickly came to an end. We have been estranged. He’s my brother and I have a love for him but every time I get around him something bad happens. He’s more of the white trash type person and that’s not how he was raised but he met a girl and she has smothered him, cutting off all of his friends. I’m convinced she killed our mom but I can’t prove it. I think she is working on killing him next and it’s just best for me if I stay as far away from them as possible. He married her a year ago after they broke up, he just decided one day that he couldn’t live without her and snapped. She is a money grabber and he’s dumb enough to give her all of his money. I feel my blood starting to boil, so I’ll just leave it here.

That’s me in a nutshell. For full disclosure, for my safety Jeremy Ryan is a pen name and not my real name. I knew a long time ago when I started blogging about the dangers of a digital world and like it or not the danger is real. What I write about is stuff that has happened to me. Nothing you read here is made up it’s all 100% the truth and nothing but the truth, with the obvious exception being my name.

A month or so ago I lost a blogger friend who knew my real name, we went through something together. I knew for sure that she was reading my blog each and every day. Outside of that I honestly don’t think an actual human being is reading on a regular basis, hey I could be wrong. I don’t get many comments and that is what lead me to arrive at that conclusion. Recently I found a couple of new blogs and have started posting comments and I think those authors and some of their readers may potentially be reading and I hope that is the case.

I realize this is a bit long winded, but I told you I was a verbose person. I blog for two reasons. One to share what is going on in my life, it’s therapeutic. Two because there might be something, I am going through that someone else can glean knowledge from or that I can help. I get that life in and of its self is difficult, but then throw in your sexuality to the mix and it becomes a bit more complicated. Coming out is a personal decision that you alone have to make. If it’s not safe or you don’t feel comfortable my advice is don’t do it. Once you let the cat out of the bag, that is information that you can’t take back and like it or not people do judge you, even though were in 2020 not everything has changed with the times. We sure have come a long way!

Thank you for stopping by. I do hope that you will return on a regular basis and if you feel so inclined leave a comment. If there is something you want to know ask. If there is a topic, you’d like to see me write about holler. I get that not everyone feels compelled or comfortable to leave a comment. Just so you know privacy is paramount with me. All comments are in moderated mode, meaning I have to approve them before they get published. I have had people in the past say things and let me know they didn’t want it published; I respected their wishes.

While it’s my blog I want everyone that chooses to visit to feel comfortable. I think were all here (on earth) for some purpose. My purpose I feel is to help others. Take care and be well. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon!

Being Gay - what does it mean?

After the death of my spouse, I wrote a book.  It was therapeutic.  Below is a chapter taken from my book verbatim.  The book was written a few years ago but the general nugget of knowledge I am trying to impart still holds true today.  My hope is that this will help someone out there.  My belief in God has changed a bit over the years.  I am still somewhat on the fence.

I also decided to look up the definition of the word GAY and here’s what it says according to Dictionary.com

 

  

Being gay only applies to my sexuality and my sexual preference.  Outside of that, it doesn’t define who I am, what I like or anything else.  It just defines the sex of the person I want to have sexual relations with.  I know that there are people that say it’s wrong; it’s against the Bible, God Hates Fags, etc. My personal feeling is that gay people were created to be martyrs and when you discriminate, hate or treat us differently you are doing that to God.  For that, I believe those that do shall be punished.  I think that one day; we (gay people) will reap rewards for the hell we have been put through here on earth.  Now just because that is my opinion doesn’t make it so.  However, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality.  I suppose I am biased there.  It’s how I was born and just like you can’t pick your parents you can’t pick your sexual preference.  It’s not a mental disease.  You are not sick or twisted.  You can’t pray the gay away.  You can’t convert yourself because while on the outside you may appear to be living a “straight” life inside your true desires for a person of the same sex linger.  That is something that no “straight” life will be able to quench.

Gay people who are trying to hide their secret become exceptionally good at deception and lying over time.  Some people might suspect but until you confirm it no one knows for certain.  Depending upon the circumstances, it is sometimes best to keep people guessing.     

If you are gay, the sooner you and those that love you come to terms with it the sooner you and they will be able to move forward in life.  Coming out is a very personal decision and something that you have to do when you feel it’s right.  If it’s never right, well then so be it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do.  

If you have thoughts of committing suicide, realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I understand that in the heat of the moment, with all of the pressure weighing on you, that you feel it’s your only option.  Stop and think about those around you, those that depend on you and how they will get by.  I’m certainly not a doctor or a mental health expert.  I mean if you’re bound and determined to take your own life and you won’t entertain opinions or thoughts from others or won’t reach out for help before you rush to your decision then there is very little I or anyone can do to stop you.  It’s like a runaway train.  Think of what it will do to whoever discovers your lifeless body.  Then there is also the possibility depending upon the method you have chosen, that you may not be successful and you could wind up having to live your life with a disability, disfigurement, etc.  There are a lot of factors to weight before rushing into a decision that will determine your future. 

Growing up gay is NOT easy.  People are always making fun of you because you are different.  I promise you that it does get better as you get older.  I hear college is a real fun time, I wouldn’t know because I never went.  Once you are an adult in the working world, I think is when you will find that things are truly as good as they are going to get.  Society as a whole is starting to come to terms with Equality.  Marriage isn’t for everyone but it’s nice that those of us that want to get married in many states can.  I think we are just mere years away from society viewing gay as becoming common place.  It’s like growing up with regular TV and then one day you get Cable and don’t realize how you ever lived without it.  I think society one day will wake up and say who cares and move on.  

I love to hear coming out stories.  They are often filled with drama but in the end, it’s about a person letting those they care about know their sexual preference.  Why do we (meaning gay people as a whole) feel compelled to share this?  I mean “straight” people don’t walk around and advertise that they are straight; it’s just something that is assumed.  I suppose it’s because we want and need acceptance and to know that no matter what those that we care about love us unconditionally.  

If I can help someone deal with their sexuality through this book that would be awesome.  I had next to no one there for me when I was feeling all of those strange feelings and thinking it was wrong.  Being raised Roman Catholic didn’t help either.  Talk about guilt!  

The bottom line is to talk to someone about your feelings.  Don’t let it go all bottled up because that is a recipe for disaster.  That applies to most problems in life.  Holding it in does no good and is self-destructive.  Do not think that you are all alone or that you are the first person to experience this because you are not.  I know there are many emotions that come with being gay.  So your different, you are as God wanted you to be.  Society today deals with that in a much more accepting way than when I was growing up. 

I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone.  If they won’t or don’t want to listen then move on to another person.  Consider looking online for resources.  There is a program for youth called The Trevor Project and they can and do help a lot of younger folks.  Talking is therapeutic and necessary for survival.    

Musings of Friday & Saturday

Friday…

Glad that this day of the week finally came.  It was a shit show all day long.  I came in to an email inbox with plenty of things to take care of.  There was some poor communications and I wound up turning 2 people off that were still working and hadn’t actually left.  Woops.  I felt semi-bad, despite the fact that it wasn’t my fault.  It was an easy fix and then come 5p I had to turn them off for real.  Fun times. 

Since I got back logged out of the blue, our planning session for the new guy won’t be until Monday.  Tuesday we get to meet him via a Video Conference.  I just hope were getting a *solid* person and not a lazy ass who wants to collect a paycheck.  I am nervous about that, but only time will tell.

I stopped at Wendy’s on the way home.  I said to myself, self you need a treat.  Got a Bacconater and a Large Chili.  That was a tasty meal.  I had to wolf it down because I had to login and take care of a couple things. 

My favorite part of the day, time to pick up my Black Beary (not the phone) and get my bear hug and pass out kisses.  Then we relax on the couch.  He sleeps and kneads my hands, while I watch TV and/or play on my phone or both.  He has to have constant attention, if you stop petting him he will let you know all about it.  Greedy boy.  He is taking his medicine fine, no noticeable change in him yet.  Still picky but he is eating. 

I decided to go looking for my volt meter to check out ye old car battery.  Turns out I have no idea where I put it.  Thankfully my late partner has a collection of them. So I got one and tested the battery.  It was 75% charged.  I put it on the charger and 2 hours later came back and tested it again.  Looked pretty good to me.  So I stopped.  Something about a battery charger on all night long, it just makes me nervous. 

To end the evening I finally took some me time and watched some porn.  Bear was vying for my attention but I told him I had to take care of myself.  Not that it matters but it had been a couple days.  After that, I looked on Netflix and found something to occupy my time, until my sleeping medicine kicked in.  Light out. 

Saturday…

Found out that today was the Pride event.  I have never been and I didn’t go this year either.  It just doesn’t sound like fun going alone.  It was a nice summer day and wasn’t too hot. 

I woke up at 7a and couldn’t go back to sleep.  So I got out of bed, only to find that Ruth was waiting on me.  She took one look at me and saw how close I was to her and she ran to the kitchen.  I passed out food and then had to check to see what the latest scenes were on the porn sites I subscribe to. 

Corbin Fisher had an awesome scene so time to watch more porn.  The cats tried to bother me but once there is a rhythm you reach the point of no return.  The funny thing is that I am loud when I reach orgasm, it scares the cats to death.  Momma comes running in to see what the hell is wrong with me and if I am still breathing.  Yeah I am breathing alright. 

I think the world needs more Saturdays, Orgasms and Delicious Food.  Then we would all be in a utopia and we would be so busy screwing and eating, no one would have time to do anything else. 

I eventually went back to sleep.  I didn’t eat or take any pills.  I woke up and then decided I would get going.  Only going didn’t mean what I thought it would.  I ate, had my pills and then watched more TV.  I found a Netflix movie about a kid who has DMD (a form of muscular dystrophy), he isolated himself and lived his life by a schedule.  He needed a caretaker and that guy took him kicking and screaming but he got him out of his shell and off his routines.  The movie I believe was called Caregiver and it’s a Netflix exclusive.  There is all kind of emotion, check it out you will be pleased that you did. 

By now it’s close to 2p.  I opted to throw on a pride shirt, I mean if I wasn’t going the least I could do is let the world know I am gay.  I feel very confident about wearing my pride shirts.  I get compliments on them all the time.  This wasn’t one of those times.  I grabbed the mail, something else I hadn’t done for a few days.  Nothing good in there, just medicine and bills.  Then I went to grab pizza.  The gay guy I like was there.  He paid no attention to me, but I can’t say the same.  I enjoyed seeing him and his nice little ass.  Hey I can dream, right I mean that is free.  Pizza was just okay this time.  Had a couple slices and then back home. 

Once I got in the door, I had to feed the cats.  Then my stomach was bothering me.  Now I knew I had to go to the bathroom even before I left the house.  I tried but nothing happened.  So I went about my business.  When I got home the urge was stronger so I tried again, it took me almost what seemed like an hour (probably more like 30 minutes) and ah victory.  I have notice this change in bowel habits, it’s kind of scary.  It’s been about a month ever since my co-worker left.  I think it’s stress related.  However, the more I think of it, the more I am thinking of mentioning it at my next doctors visit.  I just hope it doesn’t get me a finger in my ass.  I have never enjoyed that be it a medical thing or a sexual thing.  It looks good on film but it’s just not for me. 

So after my marathon I got a little sick.  I fed the children and then took a nap.  When I woke up I still didn’t feel good.  I just wanted to go to bed and be left alone.  However, I forced myself to get my lazy ass up and get moving.  Headed out again to Target and the Cat Food Store.  I encountered no cute guys on this trip.  Then came back home.  Started dishes and laundry, plus put away the cat food. 

I checked the battery in the car again and it’s still 100% charged according to what I read on the web.  I looked for a replacement battery last night for the hell of it and the fucking thing is $245.  It’s covered under the manufacturers warranty.  So my plan is to drive it for a few days and then check it.  This is going to go 1 of 2 ways.  Either it’s good and I don’t need to do anything or I have a bad battery on my hands and will need to make arrangements for service.  I hope that it was just low and the charge I gave it was the swift kick it needed!

My friend…

So earlier this week I told you about a classmate/friend that is the same age as me and has cancer.  I am bothered by his news, I mean were both way too young to even think about cancer.  I know that cancer doesn’t care how old you are or what your demographics are, it doesn’t discriminate. 

I sent my pal a note expressing how much in shock I was and that I was confident that he would beat it.  I didn’t have any of the details and I wanted to ask but thought it was better just to talk and try to show compassion and confidence. 

He sent me a message back thanking me for such a lovely note.  Turns out he has Colon Cancer.  He had some issues a few months back and had surgery because he thought he had internal hemorrhoids.  They cut out most of what they thought was hemorrhoids but when the pathology report came back, they said it was cancer.  There is a little bit left in him so that’s why he is going through Chemo and Radiation.  I told him all about my late partner and his battle with colo-rectal cancer.  We both thought it was the end of the road for him but turns out it wasn’t.  He beat it despite having to have a colostomy. 

I do hope that everything turns out well for this guy.  He appears to live in the fast lane.  I say that because a few weeks before this news was posted, he saw a brand new Red Porsche at a local dealer.  He bought the car, said it was a mid-life crisis.  Hey if you can afford it, why not treat yourself.  If I was him now I would be thinking what in the hell did I get myself into.  However, I don’t think he has to worry from a money or health benefit perspective.  His only concern is will he make it through this.  If his docs are top notch and know what they are doing, then yeah he is going to be just fine.  Sounds like they got this in time.

Other issues…

In listening to Connor Franta’s recently published book (Note to Self) he talks about self-deprecation and how he held himself back.  I have engaged in that to but it really didn’t hit heavy until the death of my late partner 

I think of a lot of things I want to do, plan and then slowly find reasons why I can’t or don’t want to.  I eventually smother the idea or the plan so that it falls apart and never happens.  I keep asking myself, why do I do this?  It’s a question that I do not have an answer to.  Now I do treat myself and take risks, but I am not living my life 100% as I want to.  It’s as if I am trapped in a prison in my mind and I am holding myself back.  Maybe it’s because I am all alone for the first time in my entire life and it’s scary as fuck.  Maybe it’s because I have a negative self image, I think I am ugly and I know I am fat.  Occasionally I do see an image where I am beautiful and/or hot.  I find that most when looking at photos of the past and I say to myself, damn I would fuck me if I wasn’t me. 

I have figured out that I am the only thing that is holding me back.  There are some situations where that is a very good thing and other situations where it’s no so good.  I have developed a stronger relationship with my inner voice or gut and I learned the hard way don’t ignore that voice.  So I listen now.  That voice is what caused me to ask 2 guys out on dates, it was awkward but I did it and having been through it, I see that it’s kind of fun.  It also makes me want to do it over and over, just to get the rush.

I have plans to re-listen to Connor’s book again.  There is more that I can take away from it.  It’s funny how a young man is teaching an old man.

I am also oddly obsessed with Elizabeth Warren.  She is a United States Senator.  I saw her many years ago appear in a film about debt.  Now I have learned that in addition to being a Senator she is also an author.  I could listen to her talk for hours.  Now I can, she has a couple book available on Audible and I know I will be buying them.  That will be fun to listen to.  I think she will be a Presidential Candidate in the next election, at least that is what is brewing from what I hear.  Most anyone (with a few exceptions) would be better as President than the ass hat we have now.  He is fucking up our country and I am sure many who voted for him didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. 

Sir Marvin is having a meowing fit and wants me to come upstairs.  I best obey him or he will crow until I give in.  He caught a fly earlier today, I was so proud of him.  He wants to play constantly and daddy has some time for play but not a lot.  He is obsessed with this bright pink ball that has a carpet like texture to it.  He will bat it around and carry it around to show it off.  He talks to it, which is really quite funny. So he is like a fire alarm in that he keeps meowing until he gets what he wants.  It gets on my last nerve, I think he knows that so that is why he does it in the first place.  They all know my buttons and when you push them I get very unhappy quickly.  Off to tend to him. 

Best wishes for the week ahead, may it have more ups than downs.  Ciao for now. 

Nice Saturday

Today has been a pretty good day.  Only 1 call (thus far) from my on-call stuff, very happy about that.  I thought today would be busy, so that gives me hope that this will repeat tomorrow and hopefully I won’t have any calls.  As long as I can make my morning stops then I will be fine. 

I have enjoyed being lazy today but also semi productive.  I have got the dishes done.  Laundry is done except for my bedding and that is a job for tomorrow.  I also have to vacuum and tame the trash.  Cleaned up my late partners office.  You can at least walk in the room now.  I did as much as I could do before it started hurting and then I had to get out of there.  I wanted to start on his bedroom but I just can’t.  I did grab some shirts out of his closet and put them in the wash.  A couple will fit me like a glove and the others will be moo moo’s but I can wear them.  I cleaned up my office a little bit.  I had to change ports on my UPS because my computer was plugged into a surge only outlet.  I need it to have battery backup, that is the whole purpose of the UPS. 

I managed to get in a nap.  I gave into eating a few cheese it’s and had a soda probably around noon.  Really I went most of the day on nothing.  I had Lasagna for supper along with a couple sodas, some cookies and 2 nutty bars.  That’s it I am done for the day.  My body very rarely signals me that I need to eat, I can feel my blood sugar drop but I am not hungry at all.  If I ate when my body asked for food I probably would lose a lot of my muffin top. 

I did venture out today, I took my car but I grabbed the keys for the truck.  There is a car key on there but it made things interesting.  If you have the fob then you can do what you want.  With a key only you can unlock the door but as soon as you open it, a timer starts and you have a very short amount of time to start the car before the alarm goes off.  Okay, so I grabbed the mail and threw it all away at the post office, it was 2 pieces of junk mail.  Then I stopped at the gas station that had the bargain price on gas.  Filled up my car for $13, I had to cycle the pump to add extra so that it would come out even.  I normally don’t do that.  When it stops I am done.  Otherwise I tend to over do it and I have gas spilling out of the tank.  Then it was on to fetch cat food.  Here was my challenge.  I had bags of food and a case of food.  I had to grab it all shove it in the car and manage to get the car started.  I made it but it was very close.  None of the cute guys I like were working, kind of sad but it allowed me to get in and get out.  It was cold, windy and rainy – not exactly weather that I enjoyed. 

I have ventured up and downstairs.  I watched a couple of movies.  One of the better ones was A Merry Friggin Christmas.  It had Robin Williams in it, so I knew it had to be good.  It was worth a few laughs.  Another reminder that we lost a great entertainer.  UVERSE is having a trial weekend, so everything is free.  I’ve got 450 channels but there are some movie networks I don’t have.  This movie was on one of them.  I also saw Hot Tub Time Machine 2, which was okay but not something that I would recommend.  I saw Naomi and Ely’s no kiss list on Netflix.  It’s worth your time.  I fell madly in love with Griffin Newman, he looked like a dork but I just wanted to suck face with him.  I am not a kisser but I do make exceptions.  It is quite a struggle to find something on TV that is actually entertaining. 

The cats just love the fact that daddy is home and they can sleep with me and when I nap they can sleep on me.  Insty & Momma have a competition going.  Momma hates it when she is by me first and Insty comes up, that will start a hissing war.  As long as there is nothing physical and I don’t get injured I am happy.  I can usually break it up by raising my voice.  They all know I don’t like hissing and growling.  Ruth is the growler.  Momma follows me to the basement and tries hard to get me to go back upstairs but I don’t give in easily.  Right now she is sleeping at my feet, she looks so angelic.  I can watch any of them sleep for hours, it’s peaceful and it will put me to sleep.  Caught Bear today sleeping on his back.  He passed out during one of the movies and I got up to give him a belly rub.  Soon after treats followed.  He’s such a good boy.

So all of this time on my hands has been a blessing and a curse.  The blessing comes from the few things that I have been able to accomplish.  The curse is that I have spent a lot of time thinking of what was, what I had and how it’s gone and never coming back.  Holidays are great when you have family to celebrate with.  I am asking Santa for the names of all of the bad boys!  Seriously all I want for Christmas is a boyfriend who will turn into my next partner.  Too bad it’s not as easy as wish and it then he pops into my life. 

So since we are entering into a new month I kept with my usual routine and changed the mast.  This month features Joseph Rough.  He’s a porn star and I have a major crush on him.  He is into heavier stuff like bondage and leather daddy’s.  I can get into some of it but not all of it.  Still he is one cute guy with an amazing smile.  He reminds me of the guy that quit working in my office to take another job earlier this year.  He smiled all of the time like Joseph does and they look pretty similar. 

There is a lot of good porn out right now, but I have taken a break.  I need to get back into the swing of things.  Not exactly sure what I am waiting for but it just isn’t at the top of my list of things to do.  Which is also not normal.  My sex drive is usually pretty high.  It would probably put me in a better mood if I got off. 

Right now I am tired and looking forward to jumping into bed and hopefully getting a good nights sleep.  Last night a co-worker texted me at midnight, no doubt she was drunk I could tell that by her text.  I read the message and then climbed back into bed.  I sent a reply later this morning and said no texts after 9p.  Normally it wouldn’t be a problem because Do Not Disturb would be turned on, but since I am on call I have to disable that until my week is done.  I still don’t sleep soundly because I know the damn phone could go off at any minute.  Usually there is nothing after 9 on the weekends but I have had calls as late as 11p.

Ah one more day of freedom.  The upside to that is most of my work is done so I can be equally as lazy tomorrow as I was today, that is provided I am not bothered by work.  Then it will be back to the grindstone for 5 long days.  Almost forgot I was able to pay my bills even though pay day isn’t until Monday.  They have to deposit the money ahead of schedule and the bank posts it because the next business day is Monday.  Kind of nice.  I have some money left but not much.  Not happy about my debt situation but I will probably die in debt and might as well make myself happy (with in reason) while I am walking this earth.  Risk is involved in every purchase because I don’t know what the future holds.  That is why I am not a big fan of contracts or long term commitments when it comes to money.  A Relationship is vastly different and I have no problem in committing myself when I find the right guy. 

I hope that your Saturday was enjoyable and that you had some down time similar to mine.  Now I will venture into the evening and see what else I can find on TV to entertain me.  I am hoping for some good stuff but we shall see.  Take care and thanks for stopping by!