Blood Results & Drama

Friday evening, I received a call with Marvin’s blood results. There was 1 elevated liver enzyme, so that is something to keep an eye on. I suspect due to his reduction in appetite that caused his liver to go wonky. I suspect that if you drew the blood today the results would be different but that’s my opinion. Otherwise, his blood work was unremarkable. Meaning everything was normal and there were no concerns. I am very surprised that his Thyroid was very well controlled and returned with a normal value. However, here’s where shit goes sideways. When you think about the weight loss that he has had the conclusion is likely due to cancer. They suspect that he has GI Lymphoma. The only way to tell 100% for sure is to do a biopsy. However, most cats that have that procedure done do not fair well. Therefore, it is not recommended. They are going to do some further research but it sounds like based on the conversation I had they will be encouraging me to put him through some chemotherapy. Why the fuck would you give that poison to an animal who you only suspect but have not confirmed has cancer? It’s precautionary. Great but that could also rob me of whatever time I have left with him. He is very much a geriatric cat and I know that he is declining and that eventually he will pass away. You can do all of the research you want to but I’m not spending my money on that. I have no objection to B12 injections and continuing his medication as is. If he truly does have cancer that will take his life and there isn’t much, I can do other than enjoy my time with him. It will also be evident because he will continue to lose weight and his health will get worse at which time, I will need to make a decision and while it sounds pretty clear cut and straightforward, I suspect it will be anything but that. So, I got what I consider to be the “GoTo diagnosis” of cancer because they can’t explain anything else to me. I am concerned about the weight loss but I am not losing sleep over it.

Marvin is doing really good. He is continuing to eat and drink. I don’t see him hiding but he has found new places to lay and that causes me to look for him. He is out in the open and I think that is very good. Today I found him laying in the sun. I couldn’t help but think of momma. It’s another nice unseasonably warm day and we have similar weather on tap for tomorrow. He is still very talkative but the howling has been reduced and he’s not doing it in the middle of the night. He does react to me getting up in the middle of the night and becomes a bit chatty but I reassure him that it’s not time to get up and then I head back to bed. He didn’t have pain medication last night and I don’t plan on starting that back up unless there are obvious signs that he needs it. I know the vet will be all too willing to sell me more when I need it. To further contribute to the good news, I worked from home yesterday and left the TV on he didn’t seem to mind it but I never heard any noise out of him. His sister on the other hand made a little bit of racket. I was able to sneak up and grab lunch without being bothered by either of them and that made me happy because things were semi falling apart at work.

Last night good old Bank of America informed me that they are closing my disputes with the vet. They said in so many words, the merchant preformed a service and they are entitled to payment. Great but never mind the fact that I didn’t authorize it and/or know about it in advance. So, I am anti-BOA right now. I am infuriated to the point where I am going to close my account. However, if it’s one thing I have learned is not to act in anger. I wrote a letter to an executive and explained the situation and how I feel they failed me and didn’t advocate enough on my behalf. They also put a remark about the dispute on my credit report which I demand they remove. I pay the bill each and every month in full so there is no reason to tell the world that I don’t agree with some charges on my account. No other bank does that. I also told them unless they can make this right and prove that they value me as a customer that they would lose me forever. I told them that I would let them choose the method of how they express my value to them but suggested that they just give me a small amount of money, which is over and above what I was disputing. Do I think they will do it? Nope but if you don’t ask you shall never receive. I am in the process of shifting all of my recurring charges that post to my BOA card to another card. I have removed the card from my wallet and don’t plan to use it again until they successfully make me happy. If that doesn’t happen and they wind up pissing me off again I will just close the account. I don’t need them, they need me. I’m a great customer in that they get all of their money each month in full. I don’t pay interest or fees and well I can see how that would be to their disadvantage and potentially make them mad at me. I guess if I was carrying a balance and drowning in debt paying tons of interest and fees, they would love me better, but that’s not going to happen. Those days have been behind me for years and I don’t plan on getting back into that type of bondage again.

As for my dispute with the vet, I put together a letter laying out my concerns and demanding at minimum my money back. I told them it would be nice to be compensated for the inconvenience and extra time I have had to spend but at the minimum I want my money back now. I hand delivered the letter and I know for a fact that come Monday the letter will be read. They will probably call me maybe not on Monday exactly but I do anticipate some form of a response very soon.

So, it’s possible but not probable that I will get more than my money back between hitting up the bank and the vet. Again, nothing ventured nothing gained. You’re not going to steam roll me there is more than one bank and one vet in the area and while it may cause some inconvenience if I have to make changes, it will show them that they decided to fuck the wrong guy.

It’s tough to repress my anger especially when it comes to BOA because they fucked me over when my spouse died. They had the mortgage to the house and you want to talk about inflexibility well there was some of it at it’s finest. Additionally, I have long harbored anger and resentment towards the vet. Because of the mickey mouse bullshit, they put us through with Bear. You will never, ever convince me otherwise that they didn’t cause damage to induce the fluid build up around his lungs in the hopes that we would just let him go rather than proving them wrong that he didn’t in fact have cancer. Well guess what we didn’t back down and he didn’t have cancer. In turn they stood to make a huge profit from all of the additional medical care that Bear required. That’s why once Marv and Gator pass away, I am done with that place forever and ever. For now, I plan on just biding my time. If I do get another pet after Marv & Gator pass way, I will find a different vet.

Now on to Saturday. You know that part of my day has been spent in anger with writing letters. But you don’t know that I went out for breakfast at Denny’s. A former kindergarten worker saw me and asked if I was in fact me, to which I responded yes. Wow it was just amazing the two of us crossing paths. I met his son who was about 20 years younger than me but a damn handsome fellow. I had a decent meal though it was a bit overpriced. I napped and went out for supper for what else but Italian food. That was a good meal and I got some nice eye candy to view as well. I wanted dessert but had no where to put it and while I could have got it to go, I decided against that. I stopped for cat food. Marv, Gator and I all watched some TV and had what I now refer to as noodle time. It’s where I place Marvin on the couch and he falls asleep and relaxes turning into a noodle, hence the name. Gator is sitting by my side meowing for attention never mind the fact that I am holding her and petting her. I think she loves to drive me nuts. She is showing some signs of senility but like her brother she is old so it’s expected. She does appear to be walking a little bit better.

Now I am working on laundry and hope to return to upstairs to spend even more time with Marv and Gator while relaxing and preparing for Sunday. My run day. Breakfast, Groceries, Gas and a haircut. I know it can all be done in one day but will I have the energy to do it all in one day, that’s a whole different kind of a question.

I hope that you are doing well. Be safe and we shall talk again soon. Take care.

Lottery Day ?

When I got the mail today, I saw my escrow statement from my home lender and I was eager and fearful at the same time. When I opened it I felt like I won the lottery. I got a small refund back and my house payment went down slightly. My trick of sending in the extra escrow money for a couple months is what put me ahead and got me the refund. I figured they would still somehow manage to find a way to increase my payment but thankfully not. After that I just saw sunshine and rainbows. It felt very good! My plan is to keep up the regular payment to help further reduce my principal balance. I’ll keep an eye on taxes and insurance and send in money in advance next year when I am sure both taxes and insurance will go up. Hopefully, it will put me in the same position if not at least allow me to break even.

I still have had thoughts of my former friend and how things ended. I’m pretty mad about the whole thing. I mean if I knew why he was mad at me that would help a little but it probably wouldn’t change the outcome. I also got to thinking that people drop out of your life so that others may drop in. Who knows maybe now I’ll meet someone or at the very least make a new friend? I can only hope so.

So, it’s official that I will be off the week of Thanksgiving. It will be nice being able to kick back and relax for a whole week, while only having to use 3 days. I’ll be off the 1^st Friday in September as well. My vehicle needs its annual paint & fabric protection that I foolishly opted into along with an oil change and tires rotated. Unless my driving habits change it will be Christmas or shortly there after before I will be due for another oil change. Average is about 4 to 5 months. I’ve got a built-in gage that tells me when it’s getting close and going by that rather than mileage has proven to be very cost effective for me. It felt odd at first not getting the oil change based on mileage but the manufacturer has their suggestion and they place a heavy amount of reliance on the gauge.

This week has been extra stressful a few odd things came up and there were several times when I was on the phone way longer than I wanted to be. My back has been bothering me. I haven’t had a massage in months, so I got the chance for 30 minutes and I took it. That was just enough to get started. There is what feels like a softball size knot in the middle of my back that the therapist worked on. It hurt like crazy. She told me the same thing she often says, you’ll know I was here tomorrow. Yeah, she was spot on this time. It still hurts. I want to take a heavy muscle relaxer but I am afraid that it will dope me up and knock me out that if a call did come in, I wouldn’t be in any shape to handle it much less I might not even hear the phone or care about it. So, I am using ice and ibuprofen hoping that it will at least help make a dent in this thing. I should probably go back to getting massages on a regular basis and for an hour or longer. Right now, all I want is to be pain free.

Speaking of health. My blood sugar is running a bit higher than I want it to. I know that it’s because of what I am eating and that medication can only help so much. I’ve tried to be good but it’s a form of dieting and I don’t do well on a diet. I’ve made the decision to go back on the medicine that helped me after a couple weeks get better control on my sugar. Hopefully it doesn’t make me ill because if that happens then I don’t care about the benefit I will dump it like a hot potato and we will need to find something else. Problem is there are very few options that my insurance covers and I don’t want to take out a 2^nd mortgage just to pay for medication. Fingers crossed this all works out well and that not only do I not get sick but do I not get bladder cancer.

I am watching the latest season of 13 Reasons Why trying to figure out who killed Brice Walker. It’s a twisting tale that leaves me guessing. Just when I figure it out, they throw a curve ball in and change my focus. I like the show but this season was a little hard to follow at first. To be fair I didn’t give it my full attention but I am now. So perhaps the problem was on my end. While I am eager to find out if we do in fact find out but at the same time, I don’t want the show to be done. That’s the problem when I binge watch anything. At least Fall is around the corner so there should be much more available to watch both on TV and the streaming platforms.

Next week will be extra stressful because the official notice on the new hires I have been waiting for should be coming out. There are around 17 people and I get to handle them all by myself. I’ve done it before but I second guess myself and wind up making mistakes. I’m going to try to stay focused and not run in 10 thousand different directions. That should also help. The bright side is that I won’t be on-call so I will have that in my favor.

My new credit card showed up in the mail today. I customized the card a long time ago and put Big Boy’s picture on it. Every time I look at the card, he is staring me in the face. I miss that black lump of fur so much. Oddly enough I had another card with the same bank and put Ruth’s picture on the card. I wound up closing that account because they insisted on charging me an annual fee. I was okay with that when I was rebuilding credit but once I proved myself and my score went up, I got back to my principal belief and I no longer am willing to pay an annual fee just to carry a card.

Time to get back in front of the TV and grab an ice back for the back. I hope that your enjoying your Saturday. Weather here has cooled off a little bit but it’s still a little humid for me. I see people eating outside but not me. I love my air conditioning. Funny thing my boss who works in AZ asked me this week if we have central air. I said of course we couldn’t survive without it. Take care of yourself and I’ll talk with you again soon.

Saturday feels like a Sunday

I had a dream last night that today was Sunday.  I woke up in the middle of the night for a brief moment and thought it was Sunday.  Got up this morning and had to check to make sure it in fact was Saturday.  I was happy once I confirmed that. 

It’s been a nice day and slightly productive as well.  Got breakfast out, picked up cat litter, grabbed the mail, tried to get in a nap, watched TV spent time with Marv, Cleaned my glasses and jewelry, grabbed supper, got fuel injection cleaner, picked up cat food and loaded the dish washer. 

Saw a hottie that used to work at the cat food store, ran into him at Target.  Man he looks really good.  I didn’t say anything to him but we did make eye contact.   While I was there I thought I would fall for some hype and grabbed a new Gillette Razor for Sensitive Skin.  We shall how that shakes out tomorrow. 

Last night I did a good amount of damage by placing an Amazon order which will be arriving tomorrow.  It’s like magic my credit cards had low to no balances and presto they all have balances now.  It was nice being good but there are things I need and want so might as well be happy. 

Watched a couple videos on You Tube about changing the air filters in my vehicle.  Looks simple enough but I opted not to do anything right now.  I know more about the process since I watched the videos.  I don’t want to screw anything up and while this is a simple task, I am the first to admit I am not mechanically inclined.  That’s probably why I am not a mechanic. 

So if you have been watching the news here in the US there is a movement called Real ID, if you don’t have one of these by late 2020 you won’t be able to fly, get in/on certain government buildings.  You have to have a bunch of documentation and it can be added to your drivers license provided your state is issuing Real ID’s.  The other option is to get a passport.  I was at the post office and talked to them about it.  A Passport is good for 10 years and while it costs more than a drivers license it sounds like something that I want to get.  It will also allow me into Canada if I do ever decide to go.  That is about all of the foreign travel I have the aspiration to do.  But who knows I could meet the man of my dreams and he could have a travel bug and then I’d need this.  I mean anything is possible. 

I am honestly kind of bored right now.  That is usually when I get myself into trouble by starting a project or doing something I shouldn’t or eating something I shouldn’t.  It’s tough being good all the time. 

Very nice day today here, this would have been the day to travel for pizza.  Sun was out and it was in the 70’s.  Silly me I went yesterday when it was cool and cloudy.  Hey I still have left overs and that’s something to look forward to.  I just have to resist eating it now so that I have it when I planned for.

I looked ahead on the calendar and Monday it will mark the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear aka Big Boy.  I can’t believe it’s been an entire year already.  That went by way too fast.  I still miss him like crazy.  I have the Amazon and One Drive apps on my phone and they both offer the ability to look back at photos from years ago on this day.  I have been reliving memories ever since I installed them which was some time ago.  I get to see photos of all of the kids and Bear & Ruth show up frequently.  Kind of sad but it also makes me think about the good times we had and their personalities which were grossly different.  Bear was a ham and laid back, Ruth was a bitch if you tried to touch her unless it was on her terms.  Still I enjoyed both of them.  I read an article yesterday on Facebook that talked about LGBT People taking pet loss harder than the average person.  Yeah I get that, it’s probably because we can’t produce children of our own and a dog or cat is the closest thing we will have to a child.  I mean in my case I thought I might get to be an uncle but that’s not going to happen.  I don’t believe my brother wants kids.  It’s an awesome responsibility for those that decide to take it on, but like cats and dogs it’s not for everyone. 

Well off to try to stay out of trouble and take in some TV and probably some porn. 

Haircut from hell

Picking up from my last post, I went back to have my haircut fixed.  The lady that took care of me saw instantly there was more wrong than what I pointed out.  She cleaned me up pretty well.  However, she wasn’t able to take care of the product discount I should have received.  So I had to go back today.  When I got home I was miffed to learn that the uneven V spot in my head was still there.  It was visibly less but still considering I shelled out $22 for this clipper cut (which is over priced, in my opinion) I wanted to make it right. 

Today I did my normal morning activity.  By the time I got home I had a couple minutes to rest and then it was time to go back to the haircut store.  The manager was expecting me.  She went over my hair and actually we made it even shorter.  I pointed out the spot and she said that it was due to the shape of my head.  She got it fixed but it took a little extra work.  I got a shampoo out of it and it was rough just the way I like it.  It felt so good.  She tried to talk me into the hot towel on the face (it’s figured into the price) but I turned it down.  She said it would help me relax.  Nah, just do your magic that should be relaxing enough.  My scalp was alive when she was done. 

Then on to the product discount issue.  What happened was she inadvertently charged me for the product again but neither one of us caught it until after the fact.  So she thought it was a refund.  Then she rang up a new ticket to charge me less the discount.  So I wound up paying twice for the same item.  I caught this when I got home and verified it with my bank.  Thank goodness I was using a credit card because normally I pay by debit.  That would have created a slight nightmare.  So I had to go back again to get my money back.  4 trips total including the original trip for the haircut its self.  Jesus I was not happy but it was made right so what else can I ask for?  I know I could probably weasel a free haircut by calling corporate but then people would get in trouble and I’m not about that.  This place is like family to me and I don’t want to be known as a shit disturber.  I just know now don’t buy product there and don’t let a new person cut your hair.  Two very simple lessons. 

My last paycheck of the year is okay.  I got dinged on the PTO but I got a bonus so in the end it only cost me $100 and for all intense and purposes it was a normal check.  I have some money left over after paying bills.  I am glad that I panicked and kept some extra money in another account.  I needed that in order to be able to grocery shop today and pay cash.  I bought my gas on credit since I get 3% back, might as well maybe that will kick me into being able to redeem the cash for credit.  Phew, crisis averted!

I’m getting a little excited for tomorrow.  Charlie Puth will be playing on New Years Rockin’ Eve and I plan on recording that.  I love to watch it after the fact, fast forward through all of the BS and commercials just to get to see the parts I want.  Makes it quicker than watching it live.  Not sure if I will make it until midnight but I plan on working no later than 9p.  If traffic is on my side again in the morning I should arrive early and will start early just to get a jump on things.  One thing is certain, it will be a hectic and busy day.  I am also on-call for the week so I’m hoping that I get another $100 stipend because Monday is my last day as hourly.  Payroll might catch it but I sure hope not.  I won’t know until the 15th. 

Looking forward to breakfast, got a new oatmeal called Gingerbread Spice.  It’s a limited edition flavor.  I hope it’s good and that I didn’t just waste money on a box of something I won’t enjoy.  Time will tell. 

Went Fishing again with Marv & Gator.  No matter how much I tried I just couldn’t get Marv to tire out he was like the Energizer Bunny.  We all had fun.  I tried to get Momma to play along but she doesn’t like it.  Ruth didn’t like it either.  Bear was all over it just like his brother.  They would tag team the damn thing back in the day.  Sure miss Ruth & Bear, this place is so empty without them.  I’m blessed to still have 3 left and hope they stick around for a very long time. 

I wanted to get a few other things done on the PC but I see time is running out and my back is killing me.  So I am going to break out my Shiatsu Massager which will make my back sore but hopefully it will give me a little relief from the 2 knots I have.  The hair lady today told me to go to a Chiropractor, she said it’s not fun being adjusted but after the fact you feel awesome.  Yeah I have watched the videos online and it sounds great but I do wonder what it feels like.  There are 2 types of Chiropractors.  Some that do treatments and adjustments.  Some that do just adjustments and don’t put you on a treatment plan.  I’d like the ladder but finding one of them is hit and miss.  My insurance pays 100% for the care so maybe I will look into it.  But really it’s all about posture and getting away from the computer. 

It’s cold outside and with even shorter hair it feels worse now.  Our temperatures have been up and down like a yo-yo.  No wonder tons of people are sick.  I just don’t want it.  I mean I’ll have time again as of Tuesday but I don’t want to use my time that way.  Hope all is well in your world.  I will talk with you next year.  Be safe and celebrate responsibly.  Take care my friends. 

Stormy Week

Everything at work is okay.  There were no consequences and for that I am thankful.  Apparently I’m told I had a large line of credit and my mistake reduced that, but there is still money in the bank.  Good to know!

We have had plenty of rain, lighting & thunder.  I came home Tuesday in a heavy storm.  2 fire departments were at the end of the street.  I thought it sucks for those people.  Little did I know what I had in store for myself.  Got in the house, fed the cats and that’s when I discovered the damage.  Apparently there was a lightning strike which caused one hell of an electrical storm in my house. 

Gone …

- Cordless phone system

- Modem on my all in 1 printer, so no more faxing

- Display on one phone

- Power Supply & Battery Backup System for my home phone & tv, which means neither of these services were working.

- Ethernet jack on the back of my cable modem

I had to power cycle the whole house things were way off kilter.  Thankfully I caught it before the sump pump over flowed.  The power cycle caused it to kick in and begin working. 

My home alarm was messed up as well, it thought the back door was broken, which thankfully it wasn’t.  However, since there was no home phone service it couldn’t call anyone to tell them.  I had to power cycle the system, which is not an easy thing to do.

My Tuesday evening was ruined.  I was on the phone with U-verse support forever, then had to call the cable company.  I was beyond frustrated and pissed off.

However, I got curious and found a work around for the TV & Home Phone.  It’s temporary a new modem is on it’s way to me.  So I have an external power supply that I thought might work and it does, so long as the house is cool.  Let some humidity build and it shuts down quickly.  You almost need an oven mitten to unplug it.  I know it’s not idea but it’s worked for a couple days and that is exactly what I needed.

Wednesday I got a replacement cordless phone and a replacement cable modem.  I tried to work on the all in one printer but it was hopeless.  The printer it’s self works and so does the scanner so that’s good news.  Bad news is the document feeder and now the modem are broken.  I’ve started looking at printers.  I can’t afford what I want which is an Epson Ecotank printer, I’m looking for soho quality and that comes with a premium price.  I’ve always wanted an Epson I have heard nothing but good things about them and am eager to try one out.  Perhaps someday but for now I am sticking with what I have and looking for options just in case.  I still have ink for this printer but won’t be buying more.  It’s been 3 or 4 years that I have had it and I’ve really gotten my moneys worth out of it. 

I guess I could start a go fund me page or an Amazon wish list like a porn star.  I am only kidding.  I don’t get it porn stars expecting people to buy them stuff or to help pay for this or that.  Your job should pay for your needs and wants in life.  If it doesn’t then you either need to find a way to supplement your income or get a new job.  I haven’t given one penny and I won’t.  Doesn’t matter how cute, young, big or tight you are … I have to pay for everything I get. 

So the cats are doing okay.  I went to my friends house on Wednesday for Independence Day.  They have a replica of Big Boy and that was tough.  I did spend a lot of time with that cat.  It brought back a lot of memories and of course caused me to start 2nd guessing myself again.  I can’t change my decision but I do have to live with it for the rest of my life.  That isn’t easy but I’ll manage. 

I’m excited to have a free weekend.  I discovered today that I will be on-call next week and am not looking forward to that.  However, I’m focused on the present and right now things look really good.  I am eager to find out about my pay raise and bonus.  If they don’t tell me by the time I go home on Wednesday, I will know first thing on Thursday morning when I wake up and open up an app on my phone to see how much is in the bank.  Friday will be payday but we can look 1 day in advance to see our paystubs online. 

I’ve got about 2 more hours to go and then I’ll be headed home and straight into the weekend.  Here’s hoping it will be as productive as it seems in my mind.  I hope you have a great weekend as well. 

Routine

I enjoy routines they help keep me on track and if all goes well I won’t forget anything.  That said I am tired of the daily routine of work.  It hits me once and a while, most often when I am bored out of my mind.  It’s been non stop for the past couple months but lately I have time on my hands.  How much time are we talking about?  I spent 2 hours organizing email today.  At the moment most of my work takes place in the morning and by the afternoon I am ready for a nap.  It’s been like this for days.  My boss told me to take a hands off approach to things because he wants Mr. Stupid to get more practice.  Fuck it’s been a year if he doesn’t get it by now he’s fucked and so are we.  While I hate the thought of someone losing their job and the same thought of having to start over, I would rather rip the band-aid off and get it done.  Mr. Stupid represented himself as experienced but he barley knows his way around a computer, so I don’t feel terribly sorry for him.  We all know it’s coming but I guess they have to dot the I’s and cross the T’s before they pull the trigger and kick his ass to the curb. 

We had a team meeting today and things got boring so I fell asleep but I didn’t miss anything important.  The boss and one of my colleagues were on the same subject for 30 minutes – back and forth. 

Good news is that I lucked out and I’m not on-call next week.  I agreed to a shift change so that I can be on-call when my boss is on vacation so Mr. Stupid doesn’t fuck things up.  Consequently, Mr. Stupid has to pull 2 weeks of on-call, which I’ll admit is rough but we have all done it before. 

My crabby co-worker is leaving the country for 2 almost 3 weeks, so it will be a nice break to be away from him. 

On a different note, I got my eye exam scheduled and the day before that I get to have the 2nd oil change on my vehicle.  The manufacturer says to change it when it gets to 10% or below.  I’m at 25% and I’m losing 1% per day, so it should be close.  Last oil change was in January so 6 months isn’t bad.  I’m sure this won’t be cheap but if it’s a twice a year event that is not bad at all.  As for my eyes I want new glasses but I don’t want to obsess like I do.  I hope that I can find something easy and not take all damn day so that I can get other things done.  This all happens next week and I get 1 day off extra so a 3 day weekend!  That will be a nice break but not long enough. 

This year, later next month will mark 4 years at the same place.  It feels like I walked in the door yesterday.  5 years usually brings me trouble at any job and it’s the longest that I have ever worked for any given employer.  I hope that this time around it’s different and that things continue to go well when I get to the 5 year mark and beyond.  I really want this to be the last job that I have but I don’t know if I will be that fortunate. 

On to my 4 legged furry friends.  Everyone is doing okay for the most part.  Marv still worries me but we spend time together.  We have a routine that we go through and that involves time on the couch and time in my room.  He still won’t sleep with me if I close the door but I understand.  It hurts a little but I get over it about the time my head hits the pillow.  I still miss Big Boy and I have second guessed myself beyond what I should.  I still wonder if I made the right call but everyone tells me you did.  Comforting as that is I still have to live with my decision and that is difficult  Speaking of the children they will all have birthdays next week.  Guess I’ll have to go get them a Tuna cake.  Father’s day is this weekend and I’m sure they will get me the same thing they have for the past several years … it’s either nothing or a fur ball.  I’d sooner opt for nothing. 

Well time to tangle with the trash, find something to watch for a little bit before I have to make my lunch, pass out medicine and shuffle off to bed.  Thursday will eventually be calling but I so wish it was Friday. 

Hope your all staying cool and doing well.  It’s not officially summer yet but based on the weather it might as well be.  2018 1/2 way over already.  6 more months and this year will be done, just like this post is.  Talk with you all again soon. 

Surprise Pie

Today was massage Thursday at the office.  I haven’t had a massage in a couple months.  There are knots abound in my back and yes it hurts but somehow I still keep putting the left foot in front of the right foot.  Speaking of feet they are killing me as well but I guess this is the joy of aging. 

So I got a knock on my cube door this morning and it was the massage therapist.  She got me a large slice of my favorite pie that they stopped making last month.  Remember I wanted to go but didn’t.  She did it because she heard about Big Boy’s passing and wanted to extend her sympathy.  That was a very nice gesture.  However, as I was eating it I had some doubts the container was a little dirty and my stomach began to ache.  By lunch time all I wanted was my sandwich and a soda.  Stomach is back to normal now but it was touch n go there for a bit.

The hottie that worked for the building management company is no more.  Not sure what happened to him.  I talked with him on Tuesday by email and had another request on Wednesday and when I sent it, I got a bounce back.  That was quite the surprise.  I never got around to meeting him in person, another reason why you shouldn’t put off what you can do today. 

I had my review this week and it was damn good as I had expected.  I was told that I am the hardest working employee my boss has.  Damn straight!  He didn’t put that in my review but if you read between the lines it’s there.  So the pay raise part is a whole mystery.  We won’t know anything until July.  I can tell you that I was submitted for a large (not sure how much) bonus.  It’s still in the approval stage or so I am told.  I think the news is available but they just can’t share it yet.  Best part is they tell us in July but it’s retroactive to June 1.  Good thing I put in that OT last Friday.  I had to stay last night as well.  So far for this pay period I have 8 hours of overtime and I am not even on-call.  Not bad. 

I’m counting on a large pay out and mentally I have it spent already.  Thankfully it’s only mentally spent and not physically spent.  I can tell you I plan to reward myself with a writing instrument, as if I need another but since you only go around 1 time it’s my plan.  Now we just have to wait and see what comes to fruition. 

My more senior level co-worker who has been there forever, decided to bite my head off when I made a friendly call to inquire about an urgent issue.  He was such a smart ass.  I bite my tongue.  I am always helpful but since he is on-call this week he decided that he should take all of the trouble tickets that come in.  That’s fine by me, I told the boss about it and told him unless I received a directive I planned on sitting back and watching the tickets pile up.  Pile up they have, he’s been like an octopus all week long.  I did take one but I knew it would come to me eventually, no sense in delaying the inevitable.  The on-call person is supposed to act like a traffic cop and dispatch or assign tickets but very rarely does that happen.  I would be asking for help this week if I was on-call there is no way one person can keep up with the volume we have had.  Phishing and viruses are on the rise.  So is stupidity because otherwise intelligent and educated people click a link or enter credentials when they shouldn’t.  They know better but they still do moronic things.  Good thing for that or else I might not have a job. 

Well I promised Momma we would go up at 7:30p to watch TV and I have 1 minutes so I’ll chat with you all again soon.  Happy Friday eve. 

Exhaustion & Burn Out

Hey everyone!  I hope all is going well for you.  Seems like we didn’t have any spring and summer is here.  The day starts off mild but quickly goes to wild hot crazy.  My AC has been on for about a month now.  I turn it up when I am away because it bothers the cats and when I get home this place turns into a refrigerator.  My ride is pretty much the same way and even the seat is air conditioned but oddly enough I don’t feel it.  I still leave it on max just because.  As the temperatures continue to rise I’ll eventually be starting my ride up before I enter to cool it down and then I will notice the seat AC.  My seats are leather and that is nice but not in the summer. 

So work this week has burnt me out and I fried my brain.  I took a break for dinner on Friday and then came back to the office.  I worked until 9p.  We just opened up a couple offices and it’s just nuts right now.  I hope that this week things get more back to normal.  First of the month has me scrambling to compose several reports. 

Saturday I did nothing.  I was naked all day long, stayed in doors (of course) and watched TV and took several naps.  It was refreshing.  The closest I came to a computer was my phone.  I never left the main level of the house.  Cats seemed to enjoy it. 

This week I took a pretty big step and came out to a co-worker.  I’ve been wanting to do this for quite sometime and finally I just ripped the band-aid off.  He didn’t think I was gay but he was curious.  He’s younger, straight and engaged to get married.  I had concerns about coming out but he told me that he had gay friends and it was no big deal to him.  I told him about my late spouse and that caused me to relive some of those events.  It was slightly emotional.  He was the 2nd person to say that someone admitted they were gay.  You admit you committed a crime, ate a cookie, cheated, lied but you don’t ever admit your gay.  You come out.  Being gay isn’t a crime.  Something about the phrase admitting your gay just doesn’t set right with me.  Oddly enough my move brought our friendship closer.  He realized that he was given an honor of trust by me, because I don’t just tell anyone, I tell those that I trust and that spoke volumes!  Exactly what I wanted it to do.  Glad it was well received. 

So here we are again at a Sunday.  I woke up at 6a and took care of breakfast for the kids.  Then sat and watched porn, then a few TV shows and finally I got my lazy fat ass up and shaved and showered.  Then it was time for pills and getting dressed.  Out the door I went to IHOP.  Chicken Fajita Omelet with Double Blueberry Pancakes and a Diet Pepsi (yuk) to wash it all down.  Got up to the counter and I was boy crazy and the waitress asked me how my food was and I said fine, how was yours.  She capitalized on my error and gave me a smart ass response back.  Yeah whatever.  I was more interested in the guy behind her than her. 

Then it was on to grab the mail, groceries and pick up some cat food.  Dropped $95 at the store.  Then to the car wash and gas station and finally home.  When it was all said and done I actually dropped $165 but that’s for everything.  This was one of those paychecks where I oddly enough had 5 hours of overtime so I have plenty of money left over.  I want to save it but then I go and spend it.  My next check will look nice and so will the one after that. 

Turns out that we should have our reviews this week and that will give me the information I really care about and that is how much more money will I be making.  That will be a turning point for me.  I just hope they really make it worth my wild. 

Well upstairs I guess and time to wind down a little bit, prepare for Monday and enjoy what little time the evening has left for me.  No doubt that will mean Marv will be by my side soaking up as much attention as I will dish out.  I love that cat and feel so sorry for him.  He is really lost without his brother but he didn’t shutdown as I feared he might.  The cashier at the grocery store offered me a black kitten, she has 4 of them.  I said nope the inn is full.  I’d love another cat but truth is I would be looking for a replacement for Big Boy and he can never ever be replaced.  Try as I might I’ll never find another cat like him.  So better off to keep the peace and let the family enjoy themselves.  At least I know what to expect with them but every now and then they throw me a curve ball. 

Here’s hoping this week is less stressful, there is more down time, more chit-cat and that Friday comes around again soon.  Best thing about Monday is that I won’t be on-call.  Got 2 weeks of freedom, then here we go again. 

I wish you all the best for the week ahead.  Thanks for stopping by and checking on me.  I’ll talk with you again soon.

Holiday Weekend

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!  Things started out right because they closed our parking garage, which caused everyone to leave early on Friday.  It’s been a hell of a week and it was nice to get a jump start. 

It was announced today that we have two additional offices opening.  One is nothing but office space and didn’t come with any people.  The other comes with around 24 people.  I had to set all of them up.  The notice came on Wednesday and by Thursday morning I heard all of the complaints because they weren’t setup.  This is a manual process and requires me to jump through many different systems.  I can setup 1 person if I have all of the information in about 45 minutes.  Now factor in interruptions from my primary job as well as trying to track down information on these people and there you have the reason why this wasn’t magically done!  It is done now but it took me really 2 days and the bulk of the work was done on Friday.  I had black from my keyboard on my palm, I guess my fingers and hands were on fire.  Today there is a lump and it’s quite sore.  Never had anything like that before.  Obviously, I can still type so all is good. 

Friday night I came home and knew I had to log back in to setup our card access system for the holiday.  Otherwise doors would unlock and that could be bad for business, especially when there isn’t anyone in the office.  Then I got roped into dealing with a Phishing email, even though I wasn’t the on-call person it didn’t matter to the big boss.  He’s stopped including the dummy and only writes to me and my other counterpart.  That is the first sign that the dummy is likely on his way out.  I say that because when his predecessor left, as soon as she turned in her notice we started getting email from the big boss and she wasn’t included.  I really don’t want to see anyone lose their job but if it was ever deserved I’d say he would be the perfect reason why.  It is more than apparent now to multiple people that he is in way over his head.  The alligators are nipping at his ankles and it’s only a matter of time. 

I also got word this week that one of the hot guys I work with and have a major crush on is leaving.  I was devastated.  He is so cute and we have a decent working relationship that I will miss.  There never ever was a chance of the two of us being a couple because he’s straight and has a girlfriend.  Plus he’s a co-worker.  Another guy in the office that I have a good working relationship with is also leaving.  I knew that was coming and it sucks a little bit but hey everyone has a family to support and they have to do what is right for them.  Sometimes that means a new job.  Both of these people had offers fall into their laps and they simply couldn’t refuse them.  Neither of them were looking for a job.  Kind of interesting how it all came together.  I’m happy for them. 

As you can well imagine I was exhausted when I got home on Friday night.  I had 0 time to look at social media.  I did that while I was watching TV.  Then I found out there was going to be a great orgy scene released by one of the porn studios that I subscribe to.  I managed to stay awake until 11p and the scene was out.  Watching that was fun and probably the most enjoyable thing I did all day long.  I need to do that more often!

Enter Saturday… I finally scumbled to the call of the Gator and rolled out of bed.  I fed them and got dressed.  I wore one of my gay t-shirts with pride colors on it.  It felt good!  I went back to Steak N Shake and saw my favorite waitress.  She has been wondering about me.  I told her I thought I could handle the rejection from her co-worker but it got to be too much for me.  She said well I have good news for you, he quit.  Yeah because he graduated.  I never did ask him a second time knowing full well that he would graduate.  I honestly think I dodged a bullet but he was so cute that it caused my heart to ache.  So I guess it’s back to Chili & Burgers now.  There is a small chance he will be there tomorrow but his name was crossed off the schedule.  Not sure if I am a gambler and will stop by or if I will avoid the place. 

Then it was on to the Hallmark store for cards.  Then over to Target for cat litter.  Then on to grab my weeks worth of mail.  Finally to the cable store to exchange my modem for a new one.  Then back home to children. 

Modem is replaced but still have the same slow speed issue.  I’ve got two lines of service to my house and both show slow.  I’m supposed to get 200mpbs and I’m getting between 70 and 90 mpbs.  The 200mpbs is the slowest speed the cable company offers and I am paying a pretty price for it.  I’d like to get what I am paying for.  They of course made their typical ploy to upsell me and try to get me to sign up for TV and Phone service.  I said no thank you.  Turns out it would cost me more per month to switch, I just wouldn’t have a contract and would actually have more equipment – loosing my whole home DVR.  Again no thanks.  Love that whole home DVR. 

Took the freezer apart to oil a fan that was making a lot of racket.  Now you can’t tell when the fridge runs it’s so quiet.  Nice!  Nothing like 3 in 1 oil garage spray for squeaks.  I’ll be good for about another 6 months and then it will start up again. 

Moving on to the mail, I opened a package that had my diabetic test strips in it.  Turns out I was sent strips that were made for Medicare / Medicaid Recipients.  I wasn’t terribly happy about that.  Those strips are sold at a discount and this provider was upselling them.  I reported it to Amazon and they are going to get my money back.  That wasn’t the purpose of reaching out.  So now I have a product that I was told NOT to use and I have 1 strip left.  It’s not like I test that often anyway but I want to be able to test if I want to.  I was told to place a new order and not use the same provider.  Select the fastest shipping method possible and Amazon would pick up the cost.  Yeah so I found one and shipping for Tuesday was like $68.  Rather than chance it, I opted for standard delivery so I should have them late next week.  I hope I don’t have the same problem with the new order.  Turns out after doing some googling this is a HUGE problem on Amazon and other websites.  I don’t know that anyone is doing anything about it.  I’m also sure that the provider will say oops, sorry we pulled those from the wrong bin.  Yeah I don’t think that was the case.  If they want them back I’m happy to mail them back but they have to pay for the shipping. 

I watched some Live PD and 20/20.  Moved on to For the People.  Really like that show. 

Marv is driving me nuts.  He wants so much attention that I can barley breath.  I love him so much and I know that it’s a tough adjustment for him to be the only feline male on the house.  However, I keep reassuring him it’s okay and he’s going to make it.  He just wants me around and needs me to hold his paw or pet him and then he unwinds like an ice cube melting.  I’m his world.  However, I need time for myself and the other cats.  There is a lot of jealousy and competition for my attention.  It’s like they see who can pester me the most.  They also do silly thins that they know will make me laugh.  I am putty in their hands and they know it.  I still miss my Big Boy.  No one hugs me like he did.  The pain that I had when that loss started has subsided but there is still a hole in my heart for him. 

So I am working on Laundry and Momma wants to go to bed.  Difficult to do when your sheets are in the laundry.  She is used to my normal schedule and now that I have an extra day I want to stay up and play at least for a little bit. 

Tomorrow’s agenda is grocery & pet food stores.  Not sure if I want to top off my tank tomorrow or wait until Monday.  Gas is now over $3 a gallon.  That just happened yesterday.  It sucks because even though my mileage is slightly better the cost makes up for any savings that I would have.  What goes up must come down so I hope prices fall but analyst say that is not likely.  So for that reason and the fact that money is really tight right now I won’t be making a trip for pie that I so desperately wanted, at least not this weekend.  I could pull money from savings but it seems silly to do that all for pie.  I have no idea what I am eating tomorrow or Monday but I can assure you that I won’t starve. 

Best news of the week is that my neighbors moved out.  I hope they sold their house to a nice single gay young man but that is probably a dream on my part.  At least it’s free to dream.  I just hope that whom ever moves in isn’t a jerk or a douche.  I don’t need or want any trouble.  I don’t need to be friends, in fact I don’t really know any of my neighbors.  I like it that way.  I am not close minded so if my new neighbors want to be friends I am fine with that. 

One of the guys I work with hooked me with the series Evil Genius on Netflix.  It’s about the pizza bomber, it’s real life.  It will boggle your mind and carve a hole in your soul.  It’s pure evil and greed.  Interesting but sickening at the same time.  I recommend it but also forewarn. 

Momma is chirping so I am gonna scoot.  Hope that you have a great weekend and that the sun is shining bright.  Seems like we only had a day or two at most of Spring and now were into the dead of Summer.  The only benefit for me is the guys will run and take off their shirts.  So I get to look but not touch.  I also have to try not to wreck my automobile.  It does make the drive more interesting though!

Another Saturday spent not the way I planned

I rolled out of bed this morning, had breakfast at home and it was great.  I stopped in at the post office and then came home.  I was spending time with the cats and the phone rings.  It’s a friend of mine that I have been thinking about.  He wanted to get together for dinner.  I on the other hand wanted to go to the buffet but I opted to cancel my plans to meet up with him. 

So that meant I had hours on my hands and I did what I like to do most, return to bed.  Took in the movie I mentioned in my previous post and spent a little time on the computer.  Then I was scrambling to get out of here on time.  I made it with a couple minutes to spare.  I got an awesome parking spot.  We got seated in a section of a waiter that I have a mad crush on.  That was enjoyable.  He had the table behind us and I got to see a lot of booty which was awesome.  There were other good looking guys there.  However, I have scoped out this particular waiter months back.  Now we all know my history, I ask and they say no.  So I didn’t bother.  However, when the desert menu came I wanted to say what I really want isn’t on the menu.  Then he would say something like what is that, maybe we can accommodate.  That’s when I say your phone number.  I thought it was cute but I opted not to use it.  I did leave him a very nice tip and no it wasn’t my phone number.  The food was good. 

Turns out everything is going up.  I got a notice in the mail today that my safe deposit box rent/lease is going up $30 per year.  That is a serious increase.  I really don’t store much there.  I may inquire with some of the other banks I do business with but unless I find a “deal” I will probably just close it out and save myself the money. 

Marv is still a very chatty cat.  I think he is yelling at me about his brother.  I know he misses him and I try to comfort him as much as I can.  He doesn’t want to crawl up in bed with me.  His brother was the only one I could hug and hold that didn’t object.  All of momma’s other kids it’s a deal breaker and Momma herself tolerates it a little bit but still fusses at me.  I miss my bear hugs.  Got a letter in the mail from the vet this week, they elected to make a donation in Bears name to their charity foundation which is a not for profit organization.  They help police K-9’s and other wildlife.  I would have rather they lower the price of the bill than give away my money to the charity of their choosing.  Some people say it’s their money they are donating which is true but guess what it originally came from me in some form or fashion.  For all of the money we poured into that place over this cat, there should be a room dedicated to us and him.  I still miss him but the hurt isn’t nearly as bad as it was. 

Work this week has been nothing but a time warp.  Everyday but Friday flew by.  I was that busy.  Lunch came quick and then next thing you know it was time to go.  Then I was home and it was time to go back and start a new day.  Wow!  Were in busy season.  There were a couple last minute new hires and one last minute departure.  Next week notices about the summer employees we typically hire will be coming out and there are 24 of them.  That’s a lot of people but if you know me, you know I have plotted and planned out most of this so it should be smooth.  Not stress free and not easy but smooth.  It doesn’t help that I have to share the load with the dummy and double check his work but I guess some help is better than no help at all.  Plus my boss and other counterpart want to watch the process.  So it’s like I have to show everyone.  My boss has never watched before, but I think that there is something up with that.  It’s peculiar that he wants to be in the know.  That either means they are going to farm out more functions, there will be some type of change to the process or something worse.  I guess I will have to stay tuned to find out. 

Tomorrow is grocery store day, I didn’t buy cat food today so there is another task for tomorrow.  I am switching my wardrobe from winter to summer and there is the house to clean.  Rest I will not.  Productive I will try to be.  That is about as Star Wars as I get.  Oh and I’m on-call next week.  When we get to the 28th we will have our first spring holiday of Memorial Day.  That will be a nice long weekend and hopefully an enjoyable one. 

Time to wrap things up for Saturday, relax a bit more and get to bed so that I can take care of the tasks of tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be here before you know it.  I hope all is well in your world and that the sun is shining.  Thanks for stopping by, talk with you peeps again soon. 

Robot Fail

So the Trim robot failed.  They tried multiple times to work with my cable company but were unable to get me a discount.  So I am on to phase II of my plan.  Friday is the day, I hope that the moon & the stars align.

This afternoon I have my 2nd therapy session where I get to read my letter to Big Boy.  I’ve actually gone over it a few times with a fine tooth comb and there are some teary moments but for the most part I can get through it okay.  I think that today it might be a little rough, but the horrible pain that I felt after his passing is pretty well gone.  Meal time is no longer an issue but I do still think of him several times throughout the day.  Lets face it he was a large part of my life for 14 years and it’s not like I can wake up and just forget him. 

Yesterday I submitted my self-review.  I love how I planned it out and had this elaborate review only to find out that I was limited on characters and had to scrap the bulk of it.  I did complain about how it’s not fair that I am leading a senior level person and essentially doing his job but I am at a junior level.  I flat out stated that my pay needed to be seriously adjusted as this is grossly unfair to me.  However, I am thankful that I have a job.  I know that HR will look at the review so if they aren’t already aware of problems on my team this was my way of exposing them and speaking up.  I’m not sure if there will be negative consequences for me but hopefully it gets me a serious pay bump which is part of what I am after.  The other part is to either demote the senior level guy or kick his ass out.  This has gone on for far too long and it needs to come to an abrupt end. 

I got a message yesterday from my first boss that she is out on leave until further notice.  She is battling cancer.  Her doctors get things under control, she goes into remission or is cancer free and then a few months later it pops up again.  It’s been a very rocky road for her and there has been at least 1 close call.  I have a sinking feeling that she might not bounce back from this.  I hope I am wrong.  She is a great person and I am very grateful to her for hiring me. 

That’s life, it’s always moving forward regardless if you want it to or not.  So pressing on with Tuesday which is actually my Thursday.  Hope it’s a great day for everyone. 

Making it

It’s been a rough week.  I encountered some issues on Friday with my sleeping medicine and trying to get it refilled.  It was a mess.  I wound up having to call the after hours exchange on Saturday to get my medicine refilled.  I was anticipating another confrontation but actually it was a smooth and quick phone call.  I have 30 days of medicine and I see my doc in the next 2 weeks.  Hopefully, we will be able to get this sorted out. 

Saturday proved to be a rough day.  I got busy and tried to stay busy but eventually I wore myself out.  I opted to call our EAP and got setup with counseling via phone.  I get 6 sessions and it’s totally free.  I’m not 100% please with my therapist but I think we are on the road to recovery.  He told me to start looking for a new house, volunteer at an organization to meet people and perhaps I will be able to get a man that way.  As for my loss of Big Boy write him a letter.  You know that was very helpful with my late spouse but I feel funny writing a letter to an animal who if he received it would be unable to read and/or understand it.  I get why he said to write it and I have a draft saved.  I will make some changes before I settle for the final draft.  Then I get to read it to him when we talk again.  My plan is after that session I will probably stop.  I am inclined to cancel now but I don’t want to rush anything. 

So things at home are okay.  Marv has begun to realize more about his brother and now I find him hanging out in spots where his brother used to be.  This morning for example he was on the couch and rather than make him move, I fed him on the couch.  He really liked that.  I get it he’s grieving and he misses his sibling probably just as much as I do, if not more.  I told him were in this together and were going to be fine.  The girls are unaffected but Momma and Gator are glued to me. 

Yesterday I went on ant patrol.  I broke out the vacuum and moved furniture, put down some more spray.  Friday night when I got home they were all over the dry food so I had to pitch it.  I wasn’t terribly pleased.  The feeder it’s self had to be washed and there were ants everywhere.  I got to the point where I thought they were on me and I did have one or two but my skin was crawling.  I rinsed out the water fountain for good measure.  When I was done and went to empty the vacuum cleaner there was enough fur in there to nit a sweater for 2 hamsters.  The ants are still in my bathroom but we had a cold snap so they have diminished, I am sure as the weather warms they will return.  I am out of steam but I think next weekend it will be ant patrol in my bathroom.  If nothing else it will be a decent spring cleaning. 

I did my weekend chores backwards.  I went to the store on Saturday because I had a great coupon but didn’t spend enough to take advantage of it.  I was going to go back out and just make a day of running on Saturday.  However, the therapist suggested that on Sunday I go to the movies.  Yeah okay.  I instead opted to stay busy by shopping.  I had a great amount of money left over from payday.  I could have easily paid for Big Boy’s funeral but opted instead to bankroll the money.  That is until I made my way through Sam’s this morning.  I got a couple extra things that were minor but the real gotcha was my membership was coming due.  Long story short I dropped $200.  Then factor in breakfast, cat food shopping and filling up the tank.  Yeah bye bye money.  I’ve got enough to scrape by the next couple weeks for groceries and cat food, plus a couple of trips out to eat. 

A fun project I decided to do is organize my photos of the kids and put them all in the cloud.  I have a couple different sources but for this I used Amazon Drive, since I am a prime member I get unlimited photo storage.  Video storage is limited to 5GB, I am rapidly on top of that limit so I paid for more storage.  The bulk of the project is done, there are some minor touch ups but now I can open my phone and pick an album and my kids are all there.  I even have photos of them as kittens.  Hard to believe they were that small.  I got to go back in time and reminisce it was kind of fun. 

So there you have it.  I am better than I was last week at this time but I am not over it yet.  I did stop in at the vets and inquire about his cremains but they aren’t back yet.  Hopefully they will be there this week.  Even though I know he is gone I want them back as quickly as possible so he can be in his final resting place, that is until I decide to move, which will be years down the road.  I’m looking at houses but it’s all just a dream.  Sort of like looking at automobiles.  You can dream but making the final decision is another thing. 

I will be on-call next week and it’s been busy this weekend.  While I can use the money I hope that it’s not jumping next week.  15 minutes here or there a couple times during the week is okay.  15 or 20 minutes over the weekend is okay as well. 

My back is in knots again so there could be a massage in my future but only time will tell.  I hope things are going better in your world and that the sun is shining and the temperatures are warming up. 

Thanks for stopping by, it does mean the world to me knowing that someone is reading this. 

Second Guessing

So I did some research and found out that Basal Cell Tumors in cats are often not malignant but they are painful.  They need to be surgically removed.  I’m thinking the vet finally bamboozled me into letting him go.  However, I will never know.  I have to think that he had cancer at the rate these tumors starting popping up.  It doesn’t matter now if he did or if he didn’t have cancer I took irreversible action and there is no getting him back now.  So I have to accept and pray that I made the right call.  I know that I provided him the best life that he could have possibly had on this earth and that the medical team that took care of him wrote him off several times but my wallet and his fight kept him going.  It was a good but very short 13 year run. 

Marv is having a little issue with his brother being gone but for the most part he is okay.  No one is sleeping with me.  Momma and Gator want to but I kick them out.  I really want Marv and hopefully over the weekend I will get my chance.  He does take over my bed on the weekends. 

The evenings have been very normal and routine like but I limit the time I spent on the computer, it’s short and sweet.  I want to get upstairs and spend as much time with the family as possible.  I know most of them enjoy it. 

The only other thing that is different is no one is using the litter box in the basement.  That was only used by Momma and Ruth.  Bear gave on up steps years ago as well as using litter boxes.   So I don’t quite know what to make of it. 

I made it back to work on Tuesday it was hard but that for sure was the best thing for me.  Now our weather is changing to be more Spring like and my allergies are killing me.  I am doped up on meds and all I want to do is go back to sleep.  I will try to make it, there isn’t much pressing today but tomorrow there are several things popping. 

The weekend I am sure will prove odd and difficult but I will keep on going.  The crying is pretty well done but I am sure there will still be those moments.  I miss the big guy, life is certainly not the same without him but I will try to get used to it as best as I can.  Once again a ‘new’ normal to adjust to. 

Not a normal day

I took an extra heavy dose of sleeping medicine and went through all of the normal motions before bed.  Yesterday was truly a horrible day.  Psychologically this has hit me harder than I thought it would.  My body woke me up at 2a and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I left my door open last night so everyone could sleep with me.  Gator took full advantage of that and she tries to wedge me out of my own bed.  I love her but I hate sleeping with her.  So that didn’t help things. 

At 3a I opted to call it and went to the fridge for left over pizza and a soda.  I grabbed my phone and told everyone I wouldn’t be in.  I really wanted sleep.  My body let me go back to bed around 5 but Gator made sure I was up by 7.  They needed their food plus I think she was trying to be my alarm clock. 

I moved to the couch after feeding them.  Took in more of Shameless.  Then eventually tried to doze off but my body wasn’t having it.  So I opted to help it along.  I got my haircut, went to have lunch which was breakfast and the sugar helped things calm down some.  I grabbed the mail and on the way back home stopped in for a car wash.  Cute guy working at the car wash, as per usual I looked but didn’t say a word. 

Prior to going to Cracker Barrel I looked at Facebook and just seeing his picture set me off.  I wailed and wailed.  Then when I was in the restaurant I forced myself to go back and look of photos I started tearing up and put my phone away.  There is one video I have of him chatting away and when I got home I just had to hear it.  I listened to it and the kids were all ears but hearing his voice set me off again.  He was a huge part of my life and now that he is gone I see just how much of my life revolved around him.  I miss all of his cries for food, plate rotation, water, etc.  Every time I go to feed the crew I can’t help but think of him.  Me and Marv would go off and look for Bear.  Usually he was on the couch so I would lift him off of the couch and place him on the floor so he could enjoy a meal with his brother. 

I also have 2nd thoughts about what I did.  I didn’t have absolute proof that this was cancer.  The vet said it was probably Basal Cell and when I looked up the images of this what he had was close.  I didn’t bother to read up on it because what is done is done.  I can’t change it.  In my heart I believe it was cancer just from the sheer volume of the lumps and bumps he had.  Not all of them were painful but there were a few that were.  Yeah sure I could have brought him home but that would have been delaying the inevitable.  This was one battle that he just wasn’t going to win.  My mind today tried to convince me otherwise. 

I nodded off for maybe 30 minutes and just before I woke up I hear him meow at me.  It was the strangest thing.  It’s hard to accept that he is gone from my life.  Sure he will live in my heart forever but the pain is so abundant and profound right now.  I am questioning if tomorrow it will be better or for that matter if it will ever be better. 

Death is something that I have always struggled with.  Matters not if it is a person or an animal.  I really wish that I had someone here with me, it would make things easier.  I also wish the fucking ants would leave and not return.  They are driving me crazy. 

After this week I will be out of sleeping medicine.  I called in a refill and rather than process it because I was a month early I got questioned why.  I told them the doctor changed the dose.  Yeah it was a lie but instead of taking 1 pill I have been doubling up for a while.  I sent a note off to the doctor to let him know that I have had to change my dosage and that the pharmacy would be calling to get a new script.  Normally the label says take 1 or 2 pills but this time it said 1 pill.  If I don’t have the medicine I don’t sleep, it’s just that simple.

Tonight is probably going to be rough but hopefully I can dope myself up so that I pass out and get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep.  I really need to go back tomorrow.  I am fortunate that my employer is understanding but I don’t want to take advantage of them, even if it is my time.

I hope this gets better, I honestly don’t have any motivation to do anything.  I am still in the semi-numb phase.  I don’t understand why this had to happen to such a sweet and fairly young boy, who did nothing but light up my life and those around him with love.  I feel for his family and hope that I don’t lose any of them anytime soon and that his passing won’t have any adverse affects on them.  Right now it’s business as usual.  I feed Marv and the Girls together.  They got quite the buffet today.  Gator demands lunch and she won’t let me ignore her. 

Okay momma is chirping at me so I am going back to Shameless and spending time with the kids.  Might phone a friend for help.  I really hope and pray that my sweet boy is at peace and with those that have passed before him. 

Bear 2005-2018

13 years and 10 months ago a small black kitten was the 1st born in a litter of 4 in my basement.  We had taken in a pregnant stray two days earlier.  Life was so different then.  I remember the feeling of bliss it was a feeling like no other that I had experienced before.  Today he passed away after what I consider a very rough life (health wise).  He beat a lot of odds and surpassed every death sentence that was predicted.  Things looked really bad a lot of times and I thought for sure he was a goner, but against the odds and with the help of my wallet he managed to pull through. 

Those tumors I was talking about, they were likely cancer based on a needle biopsy.  He also had a fever and his back leg was in worse shape that I originally figured.  I didn’t have to make a decision today they wanted to send him home with pain medicine and buy some time.  I didn’t see any point in looping him up on pain medicine only to put off the inevitable.  So I made the painful decision to part ways.  I stayed with him through the entire process, which was very agonizing but I figured it was the last best thing I could do for him.  I even carried his body after he passed to the back of the vets office.  He was down 2 pounds since December and weighed in at 17 pounds.  Which is a far cry from the 45 pounds that he was in his younger days. 

I am really worried about his brother since they were so close.  Everyone knows he is gone and that things are different.  I hope that we can move past this and continue to bond and grow as a family.  I don’t want to lose anymore. 

My late partner and I figured that Bear would be the 1st to go and we were right.  I think and hope that I am done with death for quite sometime.

Today is all upside down here today and I am calling it an early evening.  I’m going up to watch TV with the family and try to relax from the whirlwind suck ass day that I have had.  I miss him more than I can put into words but I know that he is no longer suffering.  It was quite obvious when we were at the vet that he was in pain.  I felt really bad about that but cats are truly the master of disguise.   

Circling The Drain–Again ?

Last Sunday I wrote about Big Boy and his tumors.  Well my trying to pop whatever it is that is on his back that looks like a pimple didn’t prove successful.  It just aggravated things.  I started him on Antibiotics and stopped trying to pop the damn thing.  Logic tells me that if I can get the junk out that the infection will resolve and he will be as good as new.  Shame it’s not that simple. 

His bowel habits changed and I had to break out the enema to get him to go.  He’s peeing okay, the volume doesn’t seem as large as he normally goes but he’s going. 

One of his back legs looks swollen and when I touch his paw pads they feel slightly cool, which I think is odd.  Touch that leg I’m talking just basic palpating and he is in pain.  There are knots or tumors there as well.  He is still walking but being the large boy that he is, his movement isn’t much as he’s quite lazy. 

No matter where he is by the time I am ready for bed, he is in my room.  He takes spells on sleeping with me but he is spending the bulk of his day in my room, which isn’t a good thing.  Normally he is on the couch. 

His breathing is different after he walks, like he is more winded than normal.  Not sure if there is fluid or tumors at play here or if it’s just stress/pain. 

The internet is a great invention but when it comes to looking at medical issues be it for yourself or an animal the more you look the more you think this or that is at play and before you know it you have yourself worried sick. 

So long as I treat him as I normally do were fine and he doesn’t say much.  He still is demanding for attention.  He also has been a little picky on eating so I will break out better food for him. 

I called the vet and made an appointment.  As much as I would love a Saturday appointment the docs that I use weren’t working so were stuck with Sunday.  Then they don’t have anything in the morning, it’s all afternoon appointments. 

So we are both going tomorrow but I think I will be the only one coming home.  I think he has some acute infection and possibly is in septic shock.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  Both from an outcome perspective and a financial perspective. 

Poor guy he is nothing but a sweet cat and hasn’t ever done anything to anyone.  I’m not sure why life has dealt him such a raw deal.  He gets into these situations and I think there is no way he is going to make it but some how against the odds he pulls through.  This time I think he may have well used up his 9 lives. 

I took a nap with him on my bed.  His brother joined us.  Then when we were done they laid down together on the floor.  I am worried about his brother because these boys are pretty close and if one is missing the other will notice.  I don’t know how this is all going to play out but I think I will be doing some crying.  Be it for financial reasons or because I will wind up losing him. 

You might think this sounds silly and that I am crazy but I am so in sync with this cat, he makes a move and I know what he wants.  There is no doubt that he understands me as well.  I have told him that if he is tired and wants to give up to let me know but I won’t give up on him.  I will do everything possible for him but what I failed to mention is that I have limits and those limits may preclude me from rescuing him.  I don’t want to make a choice if he is going to pass I would just as soon that he does it on his own.  However, if things are as bad as I believe they are the decision will be a little easier.

This cat captured the heart of my late husband and they had a special bond.  I know that no matter what I do it won’t bring my late husband back.  However, I am long past throwing up my hands and walking away.  I’m told that I have gone way beyond what most owners do and that I am a special person.  Now translate that into English and it goes something like your fucking crazy for wasting your money on cats.  That could be but they are all the family I have left so I want to make sure that I do right by them and that if something happens I can take comfort in knowing that all avenues were explored and exhausted. 

Here’s hoping the odds are in our favor and that things aren’t as bad as I think they are. 

Stay Home Sunday

I had to go to the store and do all of my usual weekend running on Saturday.  It worked out to my advantage, I got everything done and was able to stay home all day long.  It’s been really nice and a productive day at that. 

I fixed the screen in the front window, got the cables for the TV in the living room bundled and it looks so much better, then for the best and most taxing task of all I got Ruth’s claws trimmed.  She bit me but thankfully I had the gloves on, otherwise I’d be on my way to the hospital. 

All of the bills have been paid so we can stay here another month.  I arranged for bush trimming from a new guy.  My old lawn guy finally came through with the contract so that little bit of anxiety has been resolved.  I did try to get multiple estimates but only one person got back with me.  He was $5 higher than my regular guy and only wanted to cut for a couple months but wanted to lock me into a contract.  I almost hired him.  I’m happy this all fell into place. 

Big Boy is loaded up with lumps, which I believe are tumors.  Just because I said the word tumor doesn’t mean it’s cancer.  He’s got a bite on his back that looked like it was a large pimple.  I of course being the popping kind of guy, decided to lance it and give it a big old squeeze.  He wanted to rip my hands off.  Nothing but blood came out.  The inflammation is down a little bit.  I cleaned it up with alcohol and again he wasn’t terribly happy with me.  I have been putting antibacterial ointment on it  It apparently itches because he starts licking when I touch it.  Under normal circumstances we would have had a visit to the vet but he’s doing everything normal.  I don’t see any reason to disturb him or my wallet.  My gut feeling isn’t a good one but I am just keeping an eye on him.  He’s been through so much.  We had a nice chat over the weekend and he knows where I stand.  Normally you’d think a person talking to an animal was insane but some how me an this cat are in sync.  I can tell what he wants just by the way he asks.  It’s uncanny.  I have never been this in sync with an animal.  He is truly a special cat and he knows it. 

I’ve been having some issues with my DVR where I go to watch a program and all I get is a black screen.  Much to my displeasure I wiped the whole thing.  I tried starting small and doing a minor reset but that didn’t seem to do the trick.  I figured if I wiped everything and reset it that it would be as good as starting over.  Then if the problem still exists I will have to place a service call to get a replacement.  I’d like to avoid that if at all possible. 

My eating habits have been horrible and I know it.  I picked up a dozen donuts at the store and most of them are gone already.  My favorite brownie cookies were apparently a temporary thing so I bought brownie ice cream bars.  I got a cake last week and I am still working on polishing it off, which should happen tonight.  I went out last night and got Mexican Food, which was really good but overpriced.  It was nice to see a couple hot guys. 

My employer is doing a lunch seminar on grieving.  I pretty well figured I was an expert in this subject area but found out that there are a lot of things that I didn’t know.  Like for example me keeping my late partners room like it was is called mummification.  Seeing that in print was disturbing to me.  From what little I saw I am still dealing with his passing and it’s not necessarily in a healthy way.  I’m going to the seminar in the hopes that I can learn something.  Today I made a major change in his room.  It’s actually become more of a storage area with one side of the bed cleaned off so that I can sleep in it.  I wish he had left the bathtub/shower alone then it would have been much easier for me to simply move in.  Selling this place would be the very best mental thing for me but right now it’s just not an option way too much crap here and of course the cats.  I know that if I leave I could turn a profit provided everything was in acceptable condition.  As it is right now I think I could simply walk away and get the face value to cover the mortgage.  So no loss but no gain either.  Again not an option. 

Momma is on my ass to take care of laundry and pass out some food.  She knows my routine and that I am avoiding it.  Rather than listen to her complain I am going to give in and take care of things.  Plus I need to shave and shower.  Then there is the matter of dinner, which of course will be frozen pizza.  Looking forward to it since I paid $8 for some gourmet Tombstone, it better be damn good.  Then there is the little matter of getting ready for Monday (yuk). 

Life over all here is status quo.  Outside of Big Boy nothing horribly wrong but also no over joyous news to share.  I think that finding a boyfriend would cheer me up and help me deal with my loss in a much more positive way.  I have had a few good candidates in the dating app I am using but thus far I have not matched with any of them. 

Happy April and Happy Easter.  Talk with you peeps later. 

Depressing Week

This week started off like any other but Tuesday morning I got bad news.  A guy that I had worked with in one of our other offices passed away suddenly.  Everyone said he had a cold or something but he said on Monday that he was getting better and feeling better.  Monday night I guess he took a turn for the worse and his partner took him to the hospital and he passed away there.  I don’t have any real details.  They could immerge but matters not to me, he’s still gone. 

He wasn’t attractive by my standards but I knew he was gay and he had a husband.  I sent a card and letter to his husband.  I explained that I had been through something similar and that out of the blue I lost my husband as well.  I told him about the FB gay grief group that I stumbled on and told him that might be of interest or help.  While I didn’t share this, there is no magic trick to take away the pain, it lasts for the rest of your life.  Some days are easier and others are harder.  It takes time to get comfortable again.  I feel so bad for his husband.  Odds are pretty good that his husband will get a decent life insurance benefit so money won’t be an issue.  The guy that passed was the same age as me 46.  I suspect his spouse is close if not the same age.

Someone in our office had a major work anniversary and so on Friday we got cake.  I have been craving cake for so long.  It was so good and I inhaled my piece.  I’m hitting up the up scale grocery store tomorrow and I will be coming home with a cake.  Might be small, might be large but it will be cake. 

Earlier in the week Big Boy came to sleep with me.  He has to have attention and I was rubbing him when I found a tumor.  I thought it was something in his fur but I looked and nope it’s a lump in the skin.  It’s not very big but it caused me to have some concern.  I am going to watch it and if I find others or it grows we will get it checked out.  As for now, he’s his normal self and that and money are the only things causing me not to panic. 

I’m feeling a bit off kilter today.  Gator let me sleep in until 10a when I woke on my own.  She had me up at 4, 5, 6 and 7 a.  I probably should have gotten up then but I was so wiped out.  I am still kind of wiped out and had to force myself to do the things that I planned on.  I couldn’t make a decision on where I wanted to eat at and I didn’t venture out of the house until 4p.  I did go back to sleep around noon and woke up about 3p.  I spent time with the kids and looked at my electronic leash for the first time all morning long.

I’m lacking in the food department and probably should feed my body some more but really I just want to go back to bed.  Tomorrow is another day. 

Still doing battle with the ants.  I had one stow away in my lunch box and found it Friday when I was ready to eat.  Not happy.  I’ve cleaned until I am blue in the face.  I have put down pesticide but can’t seem to stop them.  In years past I saw there point of entry but this year I am at a loss and that is why I think I am still fighting this battle and it’s not getting any better.  I’m not giving up but damn I wish they would go away. 

I have yet to hear from the lawn guy, so I suspect sooner rather than later I should get to looking for a new person to take care of the lawn and bushes.  That has caused me anxiety and has stressed me out a bit.  I don’t like looking for new, I am content to keep things the same, at least when it comes to the lawn. 

So wish I would meet the right guy.  I think that would have a larger and more profound impact on my outlook on life as well as my life in general.  Right now it’s depressing.  I have my up times but they are short lived. 

On-call next week, so some potential OT.  Thus far I have a half hour, which isn’t much.  While I need the OT I also like quiet so if I could have a decent mix of both then I guess that will please me.  Next check should have around 5 hours on it. 

All of my gift cards that I won at Christmas time have finally sold.  I took a $78 loss but I have money that I wouldn’t otherwise have so I’m pleased about that.  Going to pay off a credit card next month, it won’t kill me but it will deplete my savings a bit.  However, in the end it should have a positive effect on my credit score.  So there is an upside.  Plus I will have less debt and that is always a good thing.  There are a few other bills that I wish I could get rid of.  I suppose it will take more time.

Last week as I entered in to the grocery store I see that starting as of yesterday they are no longer a 24 hour store.  That was a huge shock to me.  It was the only grocery store in the area that still remained open 24 hours.  24 hour everything seems to be going by the way side, unless your into fitness then you have 24 hour gyms.  It is not as if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to go grocery shopping but knowing that it was possible was comforting. 

Well day has turned to night.  I’m going to climb the stairs and work my way into bed.  I will be catching some TV.  Tomorrow will be a catch up day and hopefully I will be feeling better. 

Here’s hoping that things are going well in your neck of the woods.  Talk with you folks later. 

Nightmare Week

It’s not that it was necessarily a bad week but I did have nightmares all week long and woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I’m proud to say that I didn’t call in one day, I went to work [even thought I didn’t want to] each and every day.  Much to my surprise I was also highly productive.  I got stuck on a problem on Friday that was a huge time suck.  I was just about to be all caught up, ah well there is still something to strive for next week.

Nightmares.  Tuesday’s was that I was arrested for shoplifting but I didn’t take anything.  Wednesday’s was that my family had an intervention and was trying to send me to Fat Camp.  Thursday and Friday I don’t recall those details.  Friday was the worst because I woke up at 3a and tried but couldn’t fall back to sleep.  I moved from my bed to the chair in my room and that disturbed Mr. Big Boy who thought it might be time to get up but I assured him it was still far too early.  He wasn’t happy but he didn’t give me much more grief.  I did get slightly drowsy but every time I was just about out my mind would start racing.  I’d go from one thought to another. Oddly enough I have been concerned about getting my sleeping medicine refilled.  My doc had taken care of the refills but they didn’t show up until Thursday night.  Then on Friday I get an email that tells me they can’t fill one of the drugs because I have exceeded the maximum my plan allows.  WTF I have a legal prescription give me my medicine.  I had to fight to get 64 bills instead of the normal 90 I am entitled to.  Insurance Companies suck.  So the medicine should be cheap enough that I can just pay cash.  I am going to talk with the Pharmacist at work and if I can get it filled there w/o using my insurance and it’s cheap enough then I will ask the doc to send them a script.  I’d sooner pay cash and have my medicine than let an insurance company tell me when I can sleep and when I can’t.  Fucking nonsense.  Perhaps this is what my brain was concerned with, I don’t know.  I mean my life otherwise is ho-hum quiet and normal. 

The pain for my vehicle arrived and it might be Blue Jeans but it matches my vehicle perfectly.  I bought entirely way too much but better to have excess than not enough to take care of the job.  Plus it’s sort of insurance for down the road in case something else happens.  This whole mess got me looking at vehicles again.  I saw a really nice BMW SUV but the only problem is BMW doesn’t list MPG on their website.  You have to build your vehicle and then I think you get the information.  I didn’t want to devote that much time to it.  I do however long to own a BMW someday.  It’s actually within the range of what I paid for my present SUV but there would be no discount.  What killed me was the fact that I had to roll over the balance of the loan on the lemon car, otherwise I would be sitting pretty.  The folks at Credit Karma tell me I am paying way too much in interest and should look for another lender.  Yeah, I agree and I will explore some options.  Ideally I’d like to stay where I am and get a lower rate.  The problem is they already told me up front if you want to refinance with them to get a lower rate they charge a $200 fee.  That’s bullshit and I am not paying a fee, if you want to keep me as a customer do the right thing and lower the rate at no charge.  Your still making a killing off of me. 

Speaking of money I started my taxes.  I dreaded doing them as I do every year but I am actually sitting pretty.  My big fear was that I would wind up owing the state I am living in but that is not the case and like last year thus far I have broken even.  I plugged in all of the information I had but I haven’t pulled the trigger to actually file yet.  I am waiting to see if any more paperwork filters in before I commit.  I will file in the month of February not sure on an exact time frame.  However, I will have enough to pay off a credit card that I took a 0 loan on so that will be nice and I will have a couple hundred dollars left over.  So, while I am getting a refund it’s going to vaporize.  That is pretty much always the case.  I get a little bit of money and something comes along and sucks my bank account dry. 

I got a match on Tindr but it didn’t turn into anything.  We had the basic conversation of Hi how are you and what’s going on.  That’s pretty much where things ended and I waited but nothing more materialized so I unmatched.  I wasn’t terribly excited about the match because until I actually have a date, there is no reason to get all wound up and even then it’s just a meeting.  I still have some hope left even if I was told no by the Steak N Shake guy.  I am going to try to see if I can hold off a bit in the morning and go in closer to when he will be working so that our paths will cross.  While I don’t think deep down anything will change I really hope someone talked some sense into him and told him to at least go out for a bite to eat to see what I am all about. 

Today I was able to sleep in a bit and even get a nap with Mr. Big Boy.  He relaxed me so much I just drifted off while holding on to him.  No good deed goes unpunished because when I went to get him out of bed and put him back on the floor I accidentally lowered him on to my foot and he clawed it up.  That hurt and yes there was blood.  I tried to go back to sleep but my body wasn’t having it.  I had to get up and pass out lunch because it’s the weekend and that’s what I do. 

I went out for my supper and wound up getting charged for someone else's drinking habit to the tune of $77.  I quickly called that to my waiters attention and he said that it would be refunded.  He brought me my proper check.  Once I was home I realized I didn’t have any proof that they were going to refund my money.  I used my debit card and handed it over w/o seeing the check, so that is my fault.  However, that has never ever been a problem for me before.  From now on I am going to look at the bill and then pay it so that I am not in this situation again.  Plus I won’t be going back to where I went tonight for a while. 

Next week will be jumping there are a few departures and employee transfers.  Plus I will be on-call again and my dumb co-worker will be back from his vacation.  Fuck I hope that he is smarter after taking a slight break, but I have serious doubts.  Were also ending the first month of the year and with the start of a new month I will once again have to prepare a report for the big wigs.  I hate doing it but I put in some bogus data one month on purpose, no one said a word to me.  That right there tells me no one really looks at the report, it’s just something they are used to receiving and if they don’t get it they throw a fit.  It’s not my top priority but it’s certainly up there.  I’m doing good if it’s published by the 15th of the month. 

Well off to surf a little bit and then I will be headed up getting ready for bed.  Oddly I am tired again and hopefully I will sleep deep and well all night long.  I don’t even want to wake up to use the bathroom.  I can do that in the morning when I roll out of bed.  Just one night of solid sleep and maybe that will get things back on track. 

I hope that you had an enjoyable week.  Take care and thanks for stopping by to check on me, I do appreciate it.