Life Changing Day–12 Years Ago Today

Twelve years ago today my life changed forever when I lost the love of my life.  I remember it like it was yesterday and it was truly a nightmare that came to life.  A day that I knew always would happen someday but one that I wasn’t ready for when it did happen.  You prepare mentally for it but when it happens regardless of how much you prepare your just not ready, at least that was my experience. 

My spouse had suffered from a massive stroke and I had to remove life support as meaningful recovery wasn’t possible and it was his worst nightmare to be trapped in a working body.  Oddly enough all of his nightmares and fears were like predictions because sadly they all came true. 

Today it feels like just another day but in years past it has been quite the sensitive day for me.  I still miss him and that I am told will be a life long feeling that just never goes away.  It is true with time memories fade and you don’t recall things as crystal clear as you once did.  I’m glad that I wrote a book about our life, despite the original print being riddled with grammatical errors it still memorializes things and I look back at it from time to time.  I’ve fixed the grammatical errors and thoughts about a second publishing but never quite got around to it.  The book was available for purchase for a very short time but it never sold and honestly I didn’t think it would. 

A lot has changed since that day and I am still confident to say that he would be proud of me for making it.  I never thought I would survive and things would turn out nearly as well as they have.  It was a rough battle and a costly one both emotionally and financially.  Yet, here I am.  A lesson that I learned is that you never know what you will do until your back is pinned against the wall and you have no way out.  Your capable of doing more than you think!  I also learned that there is nothing like a crisis to show you who your true friends really are.  Most of the people that we thought of as friends have faded away, they all offered to call on them for help but when called upon they failed me.  The only true person you can count on in this world is yourself, but it sure does help to have some true friends. 

I am not a fan of the month of April ever since this day unfolded twelve years ago, it’s the one month that I wish I could skip.  However, no such luck.  I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my late spouse would want me to move on and to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s not that I haven’t tried but just haven’t found that person yet.  I am still looking not as much as I could but my eyes are open.  While I don’t think I will be successful with this quest I haven’t given up hope.  Time is my enemy here because you never know when it’s your expiration date.  In some respects it would be handy to know but in other respects it’s better that it remains a mystery. 

Looking at my family history my grandfather lived into his 70’s and my grandmother and mom lived into their early 60’s.  Others from both my grandfathers and grandmothers side of the family have lived longer.  This is my mom’s parents.  I’ve got no idea about my dad’s side of the family since he disowned us.  To my knowledge he’s still alive.  My best guess and that’s truly what it is, is that I will probably be around into my 60’s or 70’s.  Hell I might live to be 90.  I just hope that I am in a position to either take care of myself or be surrounded by people who will take care of me and not to be stuck in a nursing home – those places suck and are hell on earth.  That’s just my opinion. 

I say it often and I mean it more than anyone knows.  I really do miss my family.  That’s my late spouse and all of our cats.  I miss the life I had which at the time in looking back was happiness.  We did some traveling, ate really good, enjoyed each others company, went to concerts, sporting events and some dinner parties.  Had some great sex and got each other through some difficult & trying times. 

We met when I was still very much a kid, despite being 18.  We were together for about 25 years and while it seems like a lifetime it’s only been half of my life.  He finished raising me and teaching me what I call street smarts.  Hell I didn’t even have a drivers license when we met and he taught me to drive, something I was deathly afraid of.  I think of that often when I am behind the wheel, that if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depending on public transportation or taking some ride share.  It’s great to be able to get in a vehicle and just drive to where ever, when ever you want. 

I’m not quite sure how to wrap up this post as I could go on and on.  I am so thankful that we met and for all of the experiences (both good & bad).  I hope that I can find someone who loves me half as much as I loved this man.  I hope that he is resting in peace.  He’s always on my mind and the memories live on within me.  It’s a difficult day but I’ll make it through just as I have for the past twelve years.  One day at a time!

2 Years Ago Today

Today is a difficult day for me.  Two years ago, today I lost my sweet Gator.  She stopped eating and I had to let her go despite best efforts there was no hope.  We spent 18 long years together and I miss her very much! 

Her and her siblings and mom are still very much alive in my heart and my memory.  Typically, there isn’t a day that goes by that one of them doesn’t pop up in my daily photo memories on my phone.  This morning, I had a photo of her from years ago.  She had gotten cold and crawled under the covers in my bed.  She was laying on the electric blanket but had pushed back the comforter.  She was the only cat that I have ever had that crawled under the covers when she was cold, provided the bed wasn’t already occupied.  I’d often look for her and find a lump in my bed, I knew it was her.  If I said anything she would wake up and come out to greet me but I often just let her be since she was comfortable. 

That’s just a glimpse into the vast array of memories that I have of her.  I had the privilege of being with her mom as she gave birth to her and her sister. Her brothers had been born by the time I arrived home. My late spouse called me at work and told me that we were having kittens. He watched the boys be born. That day was something special. I felt a peace and a joy like I have never ever felt before. I didn’t ever want that feeling to leave but sadly it did after a day.

I had taken her mom in a couple days prior to her giving birth because it was a hot and miserable summer day. I could just tell that cat was quite uncomfortable. Little did I know that action would lead to years and years of memories. I was confident that my spouse would have kicked up a fuss but I got no fight out of him.

The plan was to give a couple of the cats away but to keep Gator and one of her brothers. I tried but kept running into road blocks. No one wanted kittens they were in surplus in the area. One day I came home and my late spouse gave them all names and well that’s how we became a family. I remember saying I’ll never remember their names. However, after a couple days I learned them all quite well.

I miss my family which is comprised of my late spouse as well as all of the cats. I hate that I am the one who has survived them all. It’s quite painful but yet I keep on moving.

There is no way that the two cats I have now would have integrated into that family but I could see them being companions to Gator. They are just too young and have lots of spunk left.

It is my sincere hope that Gator and her family are all at peace. Forever and always in my heart & memory. My sweet Gator! Your daddy loves and misses you.

 

Done

Made it to the office yesterday.  Oatmeal and Belvita Biscuits gave me incredible energy to power through the day.  I did eat a brief light lunch.  There was plenty of work to be done and very little down time.  I did get a chance to catchup with a colleague that I have been wanting to talk with.  That too was brief but fun. 

I managed to leave at my usual early time.  Made it home and then had to dive in to some more work.  The cats were pleased as punch to see me and I was happy to see them.  That was the best part of the whole day. 

Once I stopped moving and started to relax, which was after supper is when I got tired and managed to fall asleep sitting up watching TV.  One of the cats came to wake me to tell me it was treat time but that didn’t register with me.  I slept for about 30 minutes and then woke up.  That’s when I realized I missed it and passed out treats. 

I had a treat of my own, White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Ice Cream from Hagen Daz.  They had pints on sale this week and I bought this one.  I could have polished the whole thing off, it was incredibly good.  It took me back to a road trip I had for business and I remember grabbing a pint of strawberry Hagen Daz from the lobby of my hotel and eating it in the room.  I had it charged to the room as well so my employer paid for it.  I finished the whole thing in one sitting and damn it sure was good.  I did it as a way to stick it to my employer who treated me like shit but paid for all the food I could eat while I was on the road and I booked my own hotels which cost them more money because I wouldn’t book hole in the walls to stay at like everyone else did.  I was never told no when it came to expenses and I took them for all I could get.  I don’t miss that job at all.  Maybe one or two people but that’s about it. 

Took photos of my neck rash last night and sent them to the doctor this morning asking for help.  It’s a little better but still looks unsightly to me and I want it gone.  It itches and burns at times.  However, that is a little less since I have been putting AF cream on it.  It might be one of those things that just takes time to heal but it’s been around for a year and it’s getting worse so I want it gone.  Not sure that I will be able to have that happen but I am certainly trying.  There has to be a pill, cream or something that will take this away.  I’d like not to see a Dermatologist but if that is what it takes then lets go. 

Today is the first chill day of the whole damn week and I say that but it’s still early in the morning.  No meetings are scheduled for today but damn I’ve got several tomorrow and Friday’s are usually quiet days.  Plus it will be Friday the 13th so what could possibly go wrong? 

Anxious to get to the weekend and have some time to relax.  Plan to go see my friends and hang out for a bit in the morning on Saturday after I grab breakfast somewhere. 

This is kind of difficult for me but on My Birthday I went to my friends house.  They have cats.  A lot of which are senior cats.  One of them is blind, cries incessantly, yelps in the middle of the night and has lost a lot of weight.  There was a 2 year old kid that was a guest who kept bothering the poor thing.  He would get so tickled over hearing the cat meow.  I got quiet and depressed, this took me back to Gator.  I had to pick the poor cat up before it was stepped on.  That was my mistake because it cemented in my depression.  I didn’t eat a thing there.  I started crying a little bit but was able to control myself.  I wound up leaving super early and they were concerned because I left in tears.  I knew that poor cat was dying and it was just too much for me to absorb.  Well, I heard on Tuesday morning this week that they put the cat down on Monday.  I knew that was coming but didn’t say a word.  The poor thing had a good life but they let it linger just a bit too long.  I have been guilty of that as well, it’s tough to part ways. 

I said all of that to say that last night I ordered a gift and had it shipped to my friend, it’s supposed to arrive today.  I know that it will be well received but also cause some tears.  Someone I used to work with did something similar for me.  I am sure that I will get a phone call or a text eventually today, depends on how fast the delivery takes place and how long it takes them to notice it sitting on their porch. 

All of this makes me appreciate the two beasts that I have as I know one day I will part with them as well but given their age and health status, it should be several years before that comes up or so I hope.  I can’t imagine my life without a cat and I know the short month that I was without one I was so lost.  However, these two are my last two and when they are gone I am done.  I think that it will be close to the end of the road for me as well if they live nearly as long as Gator did. 

This wasn’t the best birthday for me but I have had worse.  I still miss my family both human and cats.  I was kind of surprised at my emotions creeping up on me. 

Weather here starts off cool in the morning and warms up pretty good.  Sun is setting earlier, were only a few weeks from the start of Fall.  Thanks for stopping by.  Take care!

BREAKING NEWS–Riley Strain

According to https://www.newschannel5.com/ in Nashville they have confirmed that they have pulled the body of Riley Strain from the Cumberland River this morning. 

RIP

Best day of the week

Happy Friday to you!  I am pleased that you stopped by.  It’s a very rainy day here.  The march of the trash trucks took place at 6a and Rudy was making biscuits on me off and on all night long.  I had okay sleep but I wouldn’t call it great sleep.  What really hurt was when Morea decided to jump on me and try the biscuit thing.  She landed right on my stomach and it was quite startling.  Silly cats, they are monkey see monkey do.  I still had 30 minutes to go but opted to give up and just get out of bed since I was so rudely shook awake.  That’s one way to get food but not the best way. 

Both of the cats were hungry and I gave them Fish & Shrimp a Momma’s family favorite.  Rudy practically took it over but he at least started sharing with Morea.  It’s a Fancy Feast can so it’s small and split between 2 cats there isn’t a whole lot of food there but they have their dry food to fall back on and it’s in a small dish so it gets replaced at least once a day. 

Last night when I went to use my massager I found they stashed some cat toys that were laying around the house.  It made me proud that they found them and were using them.  It’s all hand me downs but they don’t seem to mind at all.  My bed can be littered with toys or just have one or two, kind of depends on the mood.  They both love my bed but are learning that I need my space as well.  That doesn’t mean I get to sleep better but there are times when I am completely alone but I am asleep so I can’t exactly take advantage of it. 

At random in my YouTube feed I saw a couple TED Talks given by an Emergency Vet that talked about grief.  She’s got a job that take a hero to preform, it’s one of those jobs where you only see the worst case scenarios and the outcomes aren’t always the best.  She helped me to understand a bit of what I was feeling and why the loss is so profound.  Based on what she said and how I feel I know now that I should have waited a bit longer before getting new cats.  However, Morea & Rudy are here and unless something drastic happens they aren’t going anywhere.  It hit me the other day that they are each 3 years old and I am their 3rd owner.  It’s like they have had 3 different places to live.  It’s good to bring an end to that and give them a permanent home.  They are helping me as much as I am helping them.  Granted they are much more happy and alive than I am. 

On the work front, I’ve got a meeting in a 1/2 hour and then nothing until 5p when I get to cut access for someone leaving.  It’s going to be a long day but thankfully I can walk away from all of this and go sit in my chair, watch TV and keep an eye on my phone.  That’s what I did yesterday and it wasn’t until I sat down to eat that things started blowing up, so I ate and came back downstairs.  The afternoon sailed right along and the day was done before I knew it. 

For the weekend, I’ve got a haircut lined up for tomorrow.  I plan to make a trip to the home improvement store to get the plumbing parts for the Water Softener.  I don’t know that I am installing them but if I feel like it I will otherwise it will wait a week.  I need to hit up Sam’s.  I plan to go to the Steakhouse place I found and of course no weekend would be complete without a trip to the pet food store.  Canned food and treats are running low so it’s time to refill. 

I see Magic Mike’s Last Dance is on Amazon Prime for rental at $19 with early access.  I don’t see it in the local theater so I think if I wait a bit longer that price will for sure drop and then I can rent it.  I like the preview and if I would have gone to see it in the theater it wouldn’t have cost me $19 so I don’t see a need to pay that now.  I know it makes me sound old but I remember back in the day where you’d head to Blockbuster or the local video store to rent movies.  Back when movies were on VCR you’d see that stupid sticker “Be Kind – Rewind” .  Then we moved into DVD and that was so much better.  I don’t miss that experience much but it’s nice to think about now and then.  I know there is one last Blockbuster open and who knows how long that will survive.  If that was in my backyard I would stop in just to help keep them afloat. 

That’s all I can think of at the moment.  Kind of boring I know.  It’s a dull, dreary and depressing kind of day even if it’s a Friday.  The sun is supposed to be out tomorrow so hopefully my mood will perk up.  I’m hopeful for a peaceful day with little to no drama and that in it’s self will be a good thing. 

I wish you good fortune and the very best of weekends.  Take care, be well and stay safe.  I will talk with you all again soon!

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MOMMA

 

via GIPHY

 

Momma… It’s been exactly 3 years ago today that you passed. I’m sure you already know I kept my promise to you and did right by your family. I’m sure you notice that you have the last member of your family with you or so I hope you did. Gator left me about 2 months ago. Just like with you it was difficult but her passing was extra difficult because it marked the end in the legacy that we built together, the life that we shared and a time when I was actually happy but didn’t realize it. We have been through so much together and now unfortunately I am all alone. I miss you and your kids. Each day I open a photo app on my phone, to have a look back in time and there are few days that there isn’t a picture or a video of you or one of your kids. It makes me say I miss you all the time, it has also brought a smile to my face at times. I miss my family that’s all of your family and the others that joined us along the way plus your other dad.

Please don’t be sad or worried, I am making it. I had to get a couple of cats to help keep me company. In some ways they remind me of a bit of each of you and your kids. It’s not the same and it never will be, the original family is gone but this brother & sister duo are doing their best to keep my life interesting. The boy (Rudy) is super thin and full of energy, loves to follow me and he’s the one I bonded with first. The girl (Mora) is super large, we have bonded but it just took a little longer. She follows me around as well and often comes to sit in my lap or lay on me for attention or just to be close to me. Somehow they have that “cat” ability to read me and my heart, they know me and they know things that are going on inside of me that I’m not even aware of, which is kind of scary. I’ve not taught either one of them the L word (that’s Lunch) like I taught Gator. However, they always seem to want to eat and they have caught on to Lunch time when I take a break to stop and eat. They of course demand to be fed and I take just as good care of them as I did you and your kids. They aren’t replacements for you or any of your family but rather they are new cats to help occupy the void that was created when Gator left. I honestly didn’t want them and was kind of pushed into it, I took them kind of knowing that once we crossed into the house that would pretty well cement our relationship and we would all become a new family. I am their 3^rd home if you can believe that. I’ve got my thoughts as to why that is. They are quite the handful at times and they do fight but somehow manage to make up and wind up sleeping with me in my tiny bed, which leaves not a lot of room for me. They ensure that there isn’t a boring moment here.

I’ll never forget you or your family and my love will continue for all of you so long as my heart is beating. I love and miss you all so very much. I long for the day that were reunited if that is actually going to happen. I have my doubts but perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised. I hope that you and your family are all at peace and keeping a watchful eye over me from above.

I sure was a Lucky guy to have our paths cross. I never thought I would be allowed to keep you much less that we would wind up keeping your entire family. It’s amazing how it all just came together. I remember the sheer bliss after all of the kids were born. You were so relieved and we were so proud and pleased that it went well and everyone was alive. Thanks, Momma, for all you did for me and for never forgetting that I was your savior. Oddly you and your family were my saviors.

3 whole years passed by so quickly, the world changed so much and some how we managed to endure and are recovering from the pandemic. I made it through and honestly, I didn’t know if that would happen. I really want to check out and come join you and your family but there still seems to be a need for me to stay down here. Apparently, I’ve still got a mission to complete or something like that.

All my love, hugs & kisses to you. Rest in peace sweet girl. I’ve got it from here.

 

 

Still Above Ground

Hi hope that you’re doing good!

I am unfortunately still feeling the effects of this Viral Syndrome that I was diagnosed with.  Yesterday afternoon my neck and shoulder were killing me.  I laid down and when I got up it’s the best I felt in over a week.  I thought the tide was turning for the better. 

However, I woke up this morning still feeling great.  Went out for breakfast and after breakfast my stomach started bothering me.  I made a super quick run to the grocery store and then bolted for home. 

I figured that things were going to get better after using the bathroom.  I put the groceries away, laid down as per usual for a Sunday and watched TV until I finally nodded off.  I wasn’t feeling the best but it really hit me when I finally made it downstairs for the first time since Tuesday morning. 

The silly warm feeling I have gotten all my life when I am sick is back.  My stomach doesn’t exactly feel the best.  I had the idea of going for pizza but now that I am feeling crummy again, I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do.  I am thinking perhaps soup or eating the Chicken Pot Pie that I have. 

I really want to go back to work tomorrow, working from home of course.  If I can at least do that even if I have to stay here for the week, I know I would be better off.  Because my mind would be busy.  It’s a throw of the dice and will really depend much on how I feel as today progresses and then what I feel like in the morning.  It’s easy to fall into a large rut where I am staying home, doing nothing and getting paid for it.  It sounds nice on one hand but honestly, it’s how last year started for me with COVID and I really want this year to be different. 

I’ve thought perhaps it’s getting the cats; it could be a physical/emotional response that I moved too soon.  I could be allergic (seriously doubt that) or it could just be stress/nerves.  I’ve been through quite a bit and saying that my body & mind need a rest is an understatement.  However, I really want to avoid going on short-term disability.  I know that things are piling up at work which weighs on me, not heavily but it’s there in the back of my mind. 

I felt hopeful that this thing is working its way out of my body.  Now, not so much.  I do hate feeling like this and would love to return to a state of normal where I can resume my normal boring life and routines.  The new cats probably think that they landed in paradise because we really haven’t been apart that much. 

They get along pretty well with each other.  They love to lay on me and in my lap.  They are both bed hogs and love to try to cheat me out of sleeping in my own bed but I fight back.  We don’t exactly have a feeding schedule down.  I give them breakfast and an evening meal.  I am setting out one small can of food that they split between them.  They have a constant supply of dry food, which is all they were eating when they were in the shelter.  They remind me of the herd how they gallop around here like they are crazy chasing after each other and playing.  Jumping on all of the cat furniture.  They are also using the 2 new scratching posts I bought years ago for the family but they were so uninterested.  I let Rudy come down with me to the basement when I threw in a load of laundry.  He’s fascinated.  He’s my shadow and I can’t seem to do much without him following me.  My big fear is that I am going to pee on him.  He loves to follow me into the bathroom.  I’m not terribly keen about that but on the other hand it’s nice to have a shadow. 

I like them and am glad they are here but honestly; I still don’t really want them.  I don’t like litterbox duty and it never really was a problem for me.  I got used to it and then after Gator left I kind of really didn’t miss it.  I still have her bedding out and they won’t touch it.  I probably need to put it away or throw it out but it’s one of those things that is just too soon.  I want to honor her and her memory.  Wow here I go again tearing up.  Just when I think I am over her all of the emotion comes rushing back.  This was a very profound loss and I am starting to wonder if I will ever stop crying or feeling sad. 

The new cats are a nice distraction but part of me still expects Gator to come in and sit in her bed.  I had a dream that she was in bed with us sleeping between my legs.  I woke up and realized that in fact it was a dream.  I can’t stop looking at her photos on my phone and that causes me to be depressed and perhaps conjure up a tear. 

Which makes me wonder if this whole viral thing I am going through is somehow connected to losing her, the stress and emotions that have come along with it.  Getting new cats is what caused it to manifest.  I mean it’s a theory and who knows I might be right. 

I like this brother & sister except for when they fight, I don’t want to return them but I’ve thought about it.  I know that would do damage not only to them but to me as well.  Right now, it’s not an option on the table and I don’t want it to be.  I don’t like to give up it’s just not in my makeup. 

Speaking of which the waiter dude is someone I need to give up on.  Seeing him hurts me knowing that he’s not going to ever reach out but will continue to lead me on.  I think I need to find a new place to dine at for breakfast.  I saw a new waiter today who reminds me of a younger me, he is better looking than me even when I was young but damn, I could ask him out too, but I’m not going down that path.  Waiters can look sexy but it’s just not working out for me.  I’ve asked several of them out and none of those paths have ever blossomed into so much as a date, text or even a phone call.  I do think that I am going to be single for a very long time, perhaps my remaining days.  It’s not what I want but my luck just doesn’t seem to be changing in that area. 

I am behind on everything from personal email to cleaning the house and of course everything at work.  I saw a message from my therapist yesterday who texted me that she was unlocking the door so that I could come in and have a warm place to wait.  Funny thing is that I didn’t have an appointment.  I don’t think she looked at her schedule very well.  I’m a self-scheduler meaning that when I want/need her I reach out otherwise we have no standing appointment.  If I had an appointment I would either be there or would have cancelled based on how I was feeling.  I never am a no call, no show to anything especially if there is a fee for a missed appointment like there is here.  I didn’t bother to text her back; I think she figured it out pretty quickly and felt embarrassed.  I saw no need to compound that.  Right now, I really don’t have plans to go back just because were really not clicking.  She wants to pick at things I say and gets me to go off into the weeds like she is trying to find other areas where I need “improvement” and she “wants to help”.  I think she sees that I am quite the mess which translates into money for her.  Not happening!  It’s nice that she is in my hip pocket if something should break but now that I have the new cats my hope is that there won’t be a need for any therapy.  If so then I think it’s best to start over fresh with a new person who I hopefully can click with and one that doesn’t have so much paranoia locking their doors all the time, requiring texting for entering.  I’m surprised she doesn’t do a pat down to make sure I am not wired.  Everyone I talk to and tell them about her tell me that therapists are strange folks and chances are they need therapy more than I do.  I might be the only sane one in the room. 

One final note is that it was oddly snowing this morning when I left for breakfast.  It was nothing serious just flurries.  I took that as a sign of comfort that things were going to be okay.  Right now, I am not 100% certain of that, but I was a little more convinced and assured of that this morning.  Just based on how I feel now is what is causing me to have doubts. 

Nothing lasts forever I mean if it did then we couldn’t say, this too shall pass.  It just feels like quite a quandary.  I really want to be around people and don’t so much like the whole being alone thing.  At least at present. 

Okay well I’ve spouted off quite a bit here.  I need to get moving around here even if I do only move at a snail’s pace.  I’d like to make some progress.  My stomach feels somewhat better but I am still pondering about what to do for my next meal.  I am sure I won’t go hungry. 

I hope all is well in your world, that your well, warm and doing good.  Hopefully, this week will be a better time for all of us.  Take care. 

How it’s going

My apologies to those of you who left comments on my post about Gator’s passing. I didn’t get email notifications and happened to check Blogger today and saw several waiting to be published. They all have been published and thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated. I still miss her very much.

Saturday morning came around pretty fast. I was able to get the new cats and brought them home. They were a choir the entire way home, crying. I was so over that and no matter if I said something or not, they just kept crying. I took the lady at the shelter a full box of Forta Flora, the IV Catheter, some needles and the brand-new full bag of fluids. I know it will go to good use and animals that need it. By my vets’ prices I gave her about $100 in donations. In reality I gave her about $40 worth of stuff.

We came home and I unleashed the beasts. They were quick to explore the house and seemed to settle in. I really didn’t want to pass out because I had no idea what they would get into but I couldn’t really hold my eyes open much. The female sat on my chair as if she was waiting to attack me as soon as I fell asleep. The male just wondered around.

I got a call about my watches and had to venture out to pick them and the mail up. Then I came back home. They were both huddled in my room and my welcome home was a hiss, how lovely is that?

I sat and watched TV; I got a cat in my lap pretty fast. The male spent time with me first. Then he got down and his sister climbed up. I was wearing a shirt that was brand new and no longer in production, she of course had to ruin it for me with her claws. It was a knit polo and she snagged some of the fibers. It’s not horrible but it’s not perfect like it was. It’s the same shirt I said goodbye to Gator in and I wore it on purpose since I was saying hello to 2 new cats.

The longer I sat the more I kept thinking about Outback and how I was going over. I opted to call my Thanksgiving friends and they said they were interested in going. It was quite a long haul but they asked me to come over and they would drive. Holy shit, their old mini van has an exhaust problem, you can smell it in the inside of the vehicle. They didn’t bother to turn on the heat on the trip over or back. I was allergic to the exhaust fumes and freezing from no heat. Plus they are both older so driving was quite questionable and we almost had more than a few possible accidents. I would have been much more comfortable driving myself not to mention safer. However, they paid the entire bill even though I said I wanted to pay for myself. They had to get 2 appetizers because they love them, I’m not a fan. The salad plus the meal is enough for me. No one left hungry.

I came back home a few hours later and the cats were a bit more hospitable. They were happy to see that I wasn’t a stranger who had abandoned them. I’m sure they have some doubts as to how long they will actually be here since their last owner only kept them for about 9 months. The owner before that I think might have had them for a year. Both were born on the 4^th of July back in 2019, so Independence Day will have a whole new meaning.

I opted to try to trim claws. The female who I call Moore A because she needs More of this and more of that. Doesn’t like to have her nails messed with. I had to find the Leather Welding Gloves I used for Ruth and it took me a ½ hour but I got them trimmed. She put up on hell of a fight and even bit me before I put the gloves on but it was a warning bite and she didn’t break the skin. The male who I call Rudy had his nails trimmed at the last meet and greet. Note that the names I am calling them are how I actually refer to them but it’s not their real given names. I am not happy with those but they are old enough that I am not going to try to change them. I hope they will get used to their new nick names. Which I am sure someone probably called them at some point but who knows.

Sunday, I spent the majority of the day with them. I got a shower and left the house for dinner and some fuel but I wasn’t gone more than 45 minutes tops. I figured we have an extra day in the weekend and I could use that to my advantage. I haven’t had an off day in quite sometime I’ve kept myself going and busy so it felt really nice. I got up and ate breakfast, then my sugar coma kicked in and I got to take a nap. We watched TV in my room all day long.

Neither of them will use Gator’s old beds. I found out when I picked them up, I bought the wrong kind of Science Diet food they were used to so I had to go back today (Monday) and get the right stuff. I’ve got well over $40 sunk into just dry food. Which I am not confident they are eating.

They both are super picky about what wet food they will actually eat. They both act interested in whatever it is I put down but it’s a nibble here or there and then they will walk away from it. Moore A is more like a large loaf of bread and she probably weights close to 20 pounds. Rudy has to be 15 at best. There is no reason to run back to the vet. Their rabies shot expires in November. Unfortunately, they were given a 3-year vaccine, which I was not crazy about. There has been known to be side effects for cats who get the 3-year vaccine so I am told. The shelter was unaware of that but it’s something my vet told me a while back.

We have got to know each other pretty well. They don’t exactly know my daily routine yet but they will learn that this week, fun for both of us. Moore A sleeps in my chair and keeps watch over me. Her brother slept in my bed closer to her. They don’t really get along much but tolerate each other. She is always hissing and growling at him. I’ve yelled at her a few times about that. I don’t know that I will break her of it but I am damn sure going to try. I don’t like to hear a cat growl or hiss. They both have super sharp claws and could do quite a bit of damage to each other if they really got into it. I think she is fussier and puts up a good front, I don’t know that he has figured that out but it usually makes him run the other direction.

Monday ugh how I ate that day of the week. It’s more sensitive to me now since I lost Gator on a Monday. It’s been a full month and I still miss her so much. I can’t believe how fast life has changed for me. She was here, gone and now I’ve got 2 more that I said I would never have.

I can take these guys back at anytime for any reason without any questions. However, that is not in my plans unless something really goes horribly wrong.

I got up at 7a but tried to go back to sleep for an hour. By 7:30a I was back up and getting ready to leave. I went to breakfast as my luck would have it, I got the hunky waiter I have a crush on. He said that I was a breath of fresh air and seeing me felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. That’s sweet but damn boy, you need to call me. I got this crazy ass idea and I asked the manager if there was a policy against the wait staff dating the customers and I was told that it's frowned upon because it makes for an awkward work environment, however the manager said that it’s only a suggestion and she can’t control what they actually do in real life outside of work. So maybe that is the reason but then again why would you give me specific directions to your house, say your interested in getting a bite to eat and even give me your phone number. I think he’s just one of those guys who doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying no but in the end by not following through it hurts my feelings. Every time I see him I just want to get to know him. Of course, I’m also thinking about all of the sexual things I want to do with him but it sincerely is starting to hurt really bad. While it wouldn’t make me terribly happy if he would just apologize and say he’s sorry for leading me on that would be better than him not following through. Something even if it’s not what I want is better than the waiting and wondering. I do hope that he doesn’t get into any trouble because of my query to the manager, but then again maybe it might help speed things along. Only time will tell.

Made it to the grocery store, hit the pet food store for that 2^nd bag of food. Then came home. It’s cold, raining and miserable outside or so it was this morning. It’s supposed to warm up a bit and be nice. I’d love to go to dinner with someone, I just long to be around people even though I have 2 animals now. They are a lot of fun and we can easily spend hours in front of the TV loafing. They both squeeze their eyes closed when they sleep so hard it looks like they are smiling. Similar but not exactly the same as Gator.

I’ve had a couple work related things pop up this weekend and have taken care of them. I do NOT look forward to returning to normal operations tomorrow because it’s going to very much be super busy. I was gone for 2 days so there is catch up work, plus making up for the holiday and then regular project work. It’s going to be a zoo. I won’t be on-call, so I’ve got that to look forward to. I will be working from home despite it being Tuesday. My day in the office this week is Wednesday and it’s due to a project that requires me to go in but the day will be pissed away in waiting around one that gets under way. It’s kind of a waste of my time but whatever I go in 1 day and Wednesday isn’t that much different than Tuesday. Plus, I plan to leave early as per usual and I know I will enjoy seeing the cats when I get home. Then Thursday will be here and before you know it Friday will roll on in and were back to the weekend again. Then another damn Monday and no holidays until May which is quite a bit away.

I am catching up on laundry and the cats haven’t bothered me at all. I need to go put a load in the dryer, head up to grab the next load and then come back down. I don’t know how well that will go over but I suppose I am going to find out.

I figure if they can get used to me being in the basement, which I won’t let them in down here because I need to be able to concentrate on work and heck, we all need a sanctuary where we can escape from everyone and everything once and a while. My hope is that they will get used to this so that when I am working from home it won’t be a big deal and I won’t have to give them nearly the attention that I used to give Gator. Although she was a great alarm clock to remind me to break away, take care of her, eat lunch and then eventually go back to work. Heck even sometimes just to take a break with no food involved.

Gator and her entire family really ruled my life for so many years. That’s the tough part and I just still can’t believe that era has come to an end. I’ve lost quite the number of pets but since Gator was the last in her family it stings a bunch more and I am even tearing up still over it. I think I will always miss her I just hope the pain lessens.

Well, here we go laundry time. Thanks for your patience I know it’s been a bit since my last update. That just made for more content to post. I appreciate your readership more than you know. Take care and be well.

Emotions, Emotions

Last night I got to thinking about work and after having supper and sitting for a bit, I opted to just go in. I was able to work on the door and get it back to a working state. Oddly enough though what I thought would be the fix turned out not to work. I left and things were in working order, I tested and re-tested multiple times. I pray that it stays working. On the way home last night I was hot from all of the running around that I was doing. I drove home with the windows partially open and the cold air felt so good plus I was in my coat and sweating. This morning I have one hell of a headache not sure if it was from last night or if it’s just one of those headaches I get occasionally.

I was surprised when I showed up that there was a box of Chocolate that was sent to me. I first was surprised that it was still on my desk since things have a way of walking out when I am not around. It came by FedEx and was addressed to me so that might have been the saving grace. Despite it being chocolate, I focused on why I was there and took the Chocolate home. When I got home, I opened it and found that it was from a couple of folks in the office sending me their condolences on Gator’s passing. That was very nice and totally unexpected. It’s the same folks that always do something when they hear I lost another one. Normally it’s a tangible gift and not an edible one but I was still caught off guard and quite touched.

Obviously since I went in last night, I am at home today. I really hadn’t planned on going in at all this week. However, since I kind of needed to I am glad that I got to do it on my own terms and I was able to work without an audience. That’s when I do my best work, especially when things don’t go as I had thought they would. I know that technically I should have gone in today but I liked the hour of sleeping in the extra hour. Next Wednesday I have to go in because of a change that is being made with my account. I like to go in on Tuesday’s just to get it out of the way. The odd thing is that the change that is being made will leave me unable to function for up to 2 hours so I will get to play plus if you figure in lunch (that is if I actually take the full hour) that will be 3 hours doing nothing and you know I’m going to leave early so it’s really not to their advantage and not really worth my time but I will comply. I know that things would be okay if I stayed home because it’s my laptop that needs to be in the office and not me. Guess what my laptop is already there.

Thinking about the whole adoption thing. I stared at the new cats faces last night via the photo that is posted of them on-line. I really don’t want them, that is my general feeling. However, I can just see their faces saying please take a chance on us. Everyone else has but it hasn’t worked out, we know that we will be very happy at your house and bring you lots of joy. With that in mind it’s kind of tear jerking but I think I am going to give it a go. I’ve got to whip this place into shape and plan on starting on that tonight and then I can have time to finish up either before or after I see the doctor tomorrow. I still have plenty of time to change my mind and we will see if I still feel the same way after the meet & greet tomorrow afternoon. I feel like I could be their savior. My only fear is that they won’t grow on me and I will want to/need to give them back. I’m not looking to set anyone up for emotional failure or to have any hurt feelings. Mainly myself. I’ve been through quite the traumatic loss and well a cat (animal) is non-judgmental and loves you for who you are. I don’t have to worry if they will like me, because I hold the keys to the food so of course they will love me. I am just asking myself the same question over and over again, which is are you sure your ready for this. It’s a lot to commit to. I honestly don’t quite think I am but at the same time I really don’t want to lose these two. So long as they aren’t putting on a show at the meet and greet, I think we will blend together quite well. This is just the typical pre-commitment jitters kind of like what one experiences when they change jobs or are about to get married. Commitment of any kind that is long term always gives me these types of jitters. I am thankful that I will be able to see my doctor and talk with him before all of this goes down.

The odd thing is that tomorrow will mark the 1 month passing of Gator and I don’t quite know if I will have any feelings. Right now, I can’t believe that it has only been a month. It kind of seems like yesterday on one hand and longer on another. I kept my promises to her and her family and I know I did the best I could given the circumstances I was presented with. It’s not like I could have saved any of them from death forever. I do wish that she was still here with me, I was used to her mannerisms, expressions and attitude. We did really well together and I know that my late spouse would be quite proud of me not only for how I took care of all of the cats but in general how I was able to overcome adversity with all of the obstacles that were thrown in my way as the result of his passing but with life in general and how I am still here, despite not really wanting to be.

The other odd thing here is that I don’t want to be here (as in alive) but there is something inside of me that won’t let me give up, despite the fact the cats are gone. Some would call that God. I honestly don’t know what to call it but I kind of wish that it wasn’t present, it seems so much easier to give up. Yet here I am plugging away. I don’t get it but then again maybe I am not supposed to. I keep thinking that life is going to deal me some happiness and I will get the companion (as in a man) that I long for and the love attention and of course sex that comes with it. I’d like the man to be first and the animals to be second but perhaps that is not the way it’s supposed to go. Still as difficult as it is to comprehend, I think everything happens for a reason but we may or may not ever know or figure out what the reason is. Hell, I’d sure like to know why my spouse had to die so quickly after we were married, why all of the cats couldn’t have lived as long as Gator along with answers to why a lot of tragic events unfolded in the world in general. I can’t look for those answers because I would be busy forever. Instead, I have to just keep going and focus on my lane, it’s difficult sometimes just to stay in your lane.

Here's hoping that things work out like they are supposed to and that I don’t have to shed anymore tears unless they are tears of happiness. I saw a YouTuber make a quick video and say that lets hope that you don’t shed any tears in 2023 unless it’s you gagging on a ding-a-ling. I liked that and really hoped that would be true for me but thus far no joy. I know it’s only mid-January so there is still hope.

Work and the cat thing are all I have to speak of now. I am sure I will be back with an update at some point tomorrow with how things went and what my final decision is. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I hate making decisions. Some though are easier than others. It’s the life altering ones that I really have a super struggle with. Here’s hoping that it all works out like it’s supposed to and for the best for all involved, especially the cats.

Take care!

As per usual–Good Results

I got a good bill of health from my dental checkup.  I got the dentist to run a smoothing stone over my 1 front tooth that had a slight chip left over from last year, it’s been driving me beyond crazy. 

My childhood neighbors funeral was livestreamed and I got to watch that.  Sounds like there was quite a crowd and the service was pretty short.  I figured it would be a funeral mass but it was not.  They apparently made a friend that is a priest and he did the service, which was pretty good.  He talked about some old memories and I learned a thing or two.  I wasn’t the only one who sent a plant, in fact 2 other people had the same idea so I don’t know which one was mine but I know it made it there, which is comforting.  I hope that his wife manages to hang on a while longer, I am not healed enough to handle an in person funeral. 

I got word at work that a former colleague passed away in a ski accident.  It’s like death keeps on happening all around me and well maybe it always did but I am much more hypersensitive to it now.

I stopped by the vets office to ask them a couple questions regarding adoption and to get the initial forms that I would need if I go through with the adoption and elect to bring them there.  I was kind of expecting more information and what I got hardly made it worth my time of stopping, but the lady remembered that I was just there last month with Gator.  I still have the feeling that I am moving too fast but I’ve kind of fallen for these two.  So long as our next meeting goes well and I’ve got no reason to think that it won’t, I think they are done with the shelter.  I am doing some serious thinking about this and when you stop and look at it, it’s kind of overwhelming as to what your actually committing to.  It’s a lot of time, food, money and medical bills.  Not to mention all of the emotions from good to bad and everything in between that come with this.  I read an article that said not to let anyone push you into getting another pet after you lose one, but at this point I kind of am.  I really don’t want to but that’s why I am giving serious thought to this and taking time to reflect and take a step back before I render a final answer.  If I get them everyone will be pleased as punch and if I don’t get them then people won’t be terribly happy with me, but it’s my life and I have to do what I think is best for me.  No one else looks out for me so that’s kind of a full time job. 

I was barley gone a full hour for the dentist and man all sorts of emails and crap happened while I was out.  We have a door that stopped working in my office and I figured a few simple remote commands could bring it back, but nope either the reader has gone out OR it needs a hard reset.  Either way looks like I am going in tomorrow to try to see if I can fix it.  I really don’t want to but it’s better than dropping everything and going over & back today, the day is practically over.  I kind of thought I might have to but thankfully someone found a key.  Tomorrow if I can’t get it working then I will have to place a service call but considering I am out for the rest of the week after tomorrow and won’t be back in the office physically until next Wednesday that’s kind of a long time to wait.  Here’s hoping that I can be a hero. 

I’m caught up and now we have a BS meeting in about an hour that we have to go to.  Not looking forward to that at all.  Who doesn’t get tired of their job?  I am just so frustrated with all of the BS that I’ve accommodated and while I am paid pretty good, there is more to life than money.  I really don’t want to start over but at the same time it’s like either get happy or tolerate what is annoying you OR make the change.  I’ve learned multiple times that life is too short but there also some perks that come with this job that I don’t know I would be able to get elsewhere.  Right now I am just trying to get through this week and the whole possible adoption thing – then once that is settled and I get comfortable I can take a look at my options.  I’m also going to talk with my doctor about stress in general – that combined with losing Gator has really fucked with me and maybe rather than changing jobs more of what I need is a leave of absence, nothing major nothing beyond a month.  However if I get that then I will want another month when that month is done.  Time to process everything I do think would help. 

Ah well that’s all I got for now.  Back to the fun that is waiting for me at work.  Looking forward to supper it’s a BBQ Prepared meal from the grocery store.  Looks quite good.  I had a Biscuit & Gravy for lunch, it was quick and I honestly really didn’t want to eat anything.  Nerves were on fire with the work issue and trying to play catchup. 

Take care and we will talk again soon!

Great Day to Work @ Home

I turned on the TV this morning and accidents are everywhere. We have black ice in the area. The way I normally like to travel to work the bridge is closed. The backup route I heard a dispatch for a 6-vehicle accident. Looks like I picked the right day to work from home. I looked outside and see lots of frost on a neighbor’s vehicle. So glad I park in a garage I don’t miss the days of having to scrape.

Surprisingly I had a decent night’s sleep. My dreams were strange but I honestly don’t remember them now. I woke up at 6a to use the restroom and had an hour left to sleep. I used that to my advantage but the hour went by quickly.

I am extremely nervous this morning and thinking about the prospective new cats. Trying to think of everything I need to do around here to clean up. I am still on the fence about getting them. I want them but not exactly keen about the responsibilities part. Plus, the whole learning each other’s habits and adjusting. I’d like to wait a little bit longer but my fear is that these two will be gone. Yeah, there could and probably will be others that need a home. The difficult thing is finding a bonded pair, they aren’t that common. Lots of individual cats and you could probably mix them but they wouldn’t be related. It’s kind of strange/uncommon to me how much I am focused on family considering that I really don’t have one myself.

I kind of feel pressured into this along with my apprehension/anxiety. I am glad that I am at least seeing my doctor before the next meet & greet, that might help me to think this through a bit more. I really want them but I also want to run away and not think about this. I’m pretty sure if I give in and they come here that things will fall into place and all of the pressure will resolve. I might even look back on this and feel silly. Right now, it’s kind of like a dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t type of situation. There is good and bad with each decision (to take them or not).

Despite this not being a replacement for Gator it really kind of feels like in a way I am trying to erase what happened or forget her. That’s not the case but it’s like I can’t live without a cat and I know that’s not true. It just makes life a little more enjoyable so long as the cat is well behaved and in good health.

I am on-call this week so there is that fun to deal with. I am eager for Thursday so I can shut mail off on my phone for a bit but I will need to turn it back on Friday at 5p. It’s going to be a busy personal week and probably a busy professional week. I am still ready for a vacation, even if it’s just sleeping in at home being away from work right now would be helpful so I think. Then again, I kind of really just don’t want to work for a living, I’ve done it for a while and it’s getting to be old hat quickly. However, I am thankful that I have a job and one that pays reasonably well.

Here's hoping that things fall into place like they are supposed to, my nerves calm down and I get comfortable with whatever decision I make. If the nervous issue can’t resolve quickly, hopefully it lessens as each day passes and we get closer to the Meet & Greet time.

That’s all I know for now. Hope it’s a good day for everyone. Take care.

The Meet & Greet

What an emotional day it’s been.  My emotions have had quite the workout since last month.  If I only got that much in exercise I would probably be on my way to being thinner. 

This morning I went out for breakfast per usual.  Saw the waiter, said hello and kept moving.  When I was done with my meal and headed back to my car it was spitting snow flurries.  I took that as an affirmation that things were going to be okay.  I began to pray as I drove to the grocery store and then the water works turned on I kept them in check so that I could drive. 

After my grocery shopping I came home and sacked out like I typically would.  I suddenly thought of it as a Gator nap, just because we would sit together and both of us would fall asleep, her first and then I would follow. 

I woke up and moved to the basement to get in front of the computer to log all of the money I just spent, catch up on email and of course porn.  Then I got a text from the person that setup the Meet & Greet asking if I wanted to move the time up.  I did so that meant I needed to get moving. 

Came up had my left over dinner for lunch so that I didn’t pass out while I was in the middle of meeting the cats.  Then did the dishes and got on the road. 

I of course was early by 10 minutes and had to stand around and wait but it was time well spent.  There were a couple of other people looking at them.  Then they would move on and I would go back and look at them.  It was just like yesterday the girl was in the corner and the boy was in bed sleeping away.  They seemed really relaxed. 

The lady showed up and told me that they might hiss at me and it could take them more than a couple minutes to warm up to me.  I am apparently the pussy cat whisperer, I’ve got something about me that cats are just drawn to me like I am cat nip.  They both warmed up to me right away and the boy started giving me kisses.  At one point he decided I needed to have my face washed.  That felt kind of good, a little exfoliation. 

They like me and I like them.  However, a big part of me wants to pass just thinking that I won’t get to travel and I will once again have responsibilities.  They would also force my hand into moving on.  I would need to clean up the house so that it’s a welcome home for them.  There is a part of me that likes being all alone just for the freedom that it brings.  I can truly for once in my life do exactly what I want and there isn’t anyone to tell me differently. 

I explained my concerns to the lady and told her about how I really haven’t given myself enough time to grieve the loss.  However, while I could pass on them if the time came when I was ready then there is a pretty good chance that they wouldn’t be there for me.  I am the only person that has an interest in them presently.  However, with the others that have been looking at them and even people showing up while I was visiting I think that if I do pass on them that they will have a home pretty quickly.  However, they have been there since September of last year. 

If you know anything about me it’s that I hate making decisions but the time came where I needed to say yes or no.  I used a third option of maybe and setup a second Meet & Greet for Thursday considering that I will be off.  I can visit with them any morning at 8a but they are about a 1/2 hour away and the only time I could see doing that would perhaps be on Thursday if I get impatient. 

I can string this along probably for one additional session but I plan to try to resolve to make a decision on Thursday.  I’ve chatted with a couple friends and they are pushing me to move forward and take them.  I can make all of the excuses that I want to but based on what they have heard they say that I really want them.  They are in a way replacement cats but they will never replace what I had just because it’s different personalities and it would be a fresh start for all 3 of us.  They are young enough and healthy that chances are we would have a long life together.  The one fear that I raised is that how is one going to get along when the other one passes.  The lady told me that some animals that are bonded like that will go on to pass without their companion and others will make it, it just kind of depends on the make up of the animal. 

I can also take them and if I have second thoughts or feel that I made the wrong move I could give them back, and the give back has no time limit on it, meaning that at any point I can exercise that option. However, the poor things have been bounced around and I would be their 3rd home.  3 is supposed to be a lucky number.  You know 3rd time is the charm.  That doesn’t always apply but as a rule of thumb it seems to be the case.  I am pretty adamant that if I give them a home it’s a forever thing and there is no going back to the shelter regardless of how I feel or what they do.  If I would get seriously ill that might be an option on the table but I am pretty serious about my commitments and don’t take them lightly. 

It’s scary to think about what I am actually agreeing to if I take them.  All of the food, the medical costs, litter, time as well as the emotional and physical bonds that would form.  It’s kind of like I am signing up to have my heart broken in the end again.  I honestly don’t ever want to bury another pet but expressing interest, visiting with them and then walking away doesn’t really seem fair to me or them.  I want no hurt feelings for anyone, especially the cats. 

This feels pretty right and the longer I have time to think about it the more that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It really sucks having to make a decision.  I struggle with ordering from a menu unless I know what I really want.  It’s paralysis and overwhelming.  Business decisions are slightly easier for me but I make choices all day long the last thing I want to do is come home and have to make a choice.  I am old, I am tired.  Regardless of what I decide I want to be fully comfortable with my decision and I want it to be the best possible thing for all involved. 

Time for a shave and shower, then some sleeping medicine and well back to Monday and the crazy emotional week that will follow.  I think that I am going to have quite the workout this week and not just because I am getting a massage.  I so look forward to that though the knots are killing me.  Once a year for a massage is far too long to wait, I need to go more often but massages are like anything else in this world, expensive and finding a good massage therapist isn’t easy.

Talk with you all again soon.  Take care and be well.   

Is change coming?

Hello and welcome back!

Things are okay at the moment. I’ve got a Meet & Greet setup for tomorrow with the prospective new cats. I went to see them this afternoon. One was sleeping and the other one was back in a corner just looking around. They are both pretty plump but if all they do is relax and sleep it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than having Gator around. I still have some reservations. Mostly if the timing is right or if I am moving a bit too fast for my own good. I know there will always be cats up for adoption. Have I really given myself enough time to grieve? I’ve kept pretty busy and had very little time to myself where I was all alone. Sure, working from home, I am alone but it’s not quite the same because my mind is focused on work.

Friday afternoon I got to looking at photos and videos of all of the family and I started looking for my goodbye letter to Momma. Turns out I never wrote one. I published a post on my blog and that was the extent of it. However, I embedded a YouTube Video of Charlie Puth and the song When I See You Again, which was written for Paul Walker. I played the video and just reached a point in the song where I cracked. I sobbed and let it all out. I know it’s healthy and I’ve got no shame about crying, it’s a natural emotion. Like any other emotion you can bottle it up but eventually it’s going to come out in one form or another. Might as well just let it go when it hits. It’s the healthy thing to do, kind of like when you need to sneeze or cough. I really honestly thought I was done with crying and that I was comfortable with the fact that she is gone but the truth is that it’s still raw and it’s closing a very long chapter in my life.

My life chapters have been long. They all have evoked every emotion possible and I’ve learned a thing or two a long the way.

Chapter 1 – Figuring out my sexuality & getting comfortable with it

Chapter 2 – Meeting my late spouse

Chapter 3 – The loss of Grandma

Chapter 4 – The loss of Grandpa

Chapter 5 – Moving out of my childhood home & in with my late spouse

Chapter 6 – Taking in Momma, watching her give birth

Chapter 7 – The loss of #1 Son our 1^st cat we had together

Chapter 8 – Taking in a stray & his friend

Chapter 9 – Losing my job, taking care of a sick cat, raiding my 401K and filing Bankruptcy

Chapter 10 – Getting Married then 3 months later losing my spouse

Chapter 11 – Starting to live on my own with 7 cats & a Bankruptcy that wasn’t mine. Losing a job and starting a new one

Chapter 12 – Slowly losing cats & the loss of my mom

Chapter 13 – The Pandemic how it changed me and my life, and Getting COVID and living through it

Chapter 14 – Losing Gator

That’s just off the cuff with little thought. There is plenty more to my entire story but those are kind of the high and low points mixed together. If you asked me a month or longer if I thought that my life would end after Gator passed, I would have told you yes. I did have intentions of ensuring that would come to pass. Why? Simply put I’ve got nothing to live for. The cats were my life and the reason why I got out of bed each day. They helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. Now that they are all gone my heart has a huge crater of a hole in it, it hurts and there just aren’t words that can express how deep that pain is.

Yet I’ve managed to keep on going, despite accidentally almost doing serious injury or worse to myself when I fell into that damn jet tub. I’ve spent lots of money like it’s growing on trees because I simply didn’t care. It’s time to settle up and it hurts. Today I see a bit clearer and yeah, the trip to the hotel and the laptop purchase were necessary at the time but today I could easily live without both. However, that’s not the way it works. You spend the money today on credit, you have to pay for it when the bill comes due and while that might seem like a million miles away it’s here quicker than you know it. I’ve said it a few times before money isn’t an issue, what I did didn’t put me in financial dire straits. It stings a little but it’s kind of like a papercut it hurts for a day or two and then it begins to feel better.

In case you have yet to figure it out, I’m using this post as a form of therapy, which largely is why I got into blogging in the first place. It was to provide a window into my life to the outside world. Strangers that I’ve never met and for the most part probably never will. However, I did get a good friend out of it through some drama that her, I and a bunch of other people fell into. That common thread caused us to bond. I started to type about the drama but that part of my life is over. When I lost my spouse, my friend had experience in that as well and that’s the first time we talked. She lived in Canada and sadly she passed during the pandemic from something other than COVID. It was a sudden thing that just got worse quickly. She was the first person’s funeral that I attended virtually. It was very strange and didn’t really offer much in the way of closure. I spoke with her family and even sent them something to comfort them. We (her and I) had another common thread that brought us together and that was the love of pie. I was supposed to go visit her eventually and we would meet at a pie place. Sadly, that never occurred. I felt bad about it but as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”. Well said and that’s a lesson and a reminder we can all use from time to time.

You and a couple of other people in the world are the only ones who truly know how much hurt, sorrow and loss that I have experienced and how it’s deeply affected me. Having PSTD from the loss of my spouse and then losing cats and my mom it makes me hypersensitive and combine that with my struggle with death and you’ve got one very hurt person.

One can only cry so much and hurt so much. I want it all to stop. I want life to deal me a better hand with more sunshine and rainbows. Throw in a boyfriend, some additional friends and either my job to get better or a new one – even better would be to win the lottery and be able to quit. I’m ready for a New Attitude and a New Life a much better one. I’ve tried slightly before to turn things around and while I didn’t fully accomplish my goal there was a light sprinkle of happiness mixed in. Losing Momma was the start of when things went off a cliff. As I am positioned today the only other person(s) that can die are either people that I grew up with, My Thanksgiving Friends, Work Colleagues or My Brother. I’m not isolated from death but I’ve got a slightly better position than what I had when the cats were all with me. Any additional losses at this point will hurt but short of my Brother I don’t think that any would affect me as greatly as the loss of my spouse and my cats have. I kind of like that insulation and want to be alone but I know it’s not healthy long term, especially when I work from home so much.

In prison they use isolation as a form of punishment or reserve it for someone who has committed such a horrible crime or crimes. In that case you’ve got no distraction, your just stuck in a tiny cell and maybe get an hour a week for some recreation and/or a shower. With nothing but time on your hands and no distraction I can see how it can be so maddening and cause one to quite literally go insane. Yet here I am post pandemic alone and I’ve got my freedom, semi decent health and a couple friends. We don’t function as I think friends should where we get together frequently or do things together. Instead, it’s just someone to be with around the major holidays for comfort and if there is a crisis in my life such as with the loss of my spouse or a cat, they are there for me. However, it’s on a limited basis and there is only so much they can or will do.

Getting two chunky monkey cats would give me company and companionship, which I think would be healthy. It will affect my wallet more and draw me back to the vet that I really don’t want to go back to. It puts a couple of boat anchors or a yolk around my neck and I am encumbered. However, in return for the responsibility I get love, affection and companionship mixed in with a laugh or two here and there. Eventually that relationship will change and the cats will get older as will I. They will need more medical care as will I and I will be right back in the same damn position I was with each cat that I owned where I have to make a decision. That’s the part I want to avoid, that’s the part that causes all of the hurt & pain. Hence why I would kind of rather be alone, even if only a temporary thing and not a long-term thing. I wouldn’t have the responsibility and I wouldn’t have the possibility of something dying on me again.

You can pretty well take this to the bank, if I do it again regardless of how many years I get with them, when they pass then I am out forever. I won’t own another pet of any kind. Primarily because if things go like they are supposed to I will be in my late 60’s or mid 70’s and my health will probably be declining by then. I never really thought about that aspect of my life until I started looking over adoption applications and all of the information they wanted. One of the questions is for what reason would you entertain returning the pet and one of the responses is owner’s health has declined. Wow that’s me I’m going to eventually have serious health problems just like an elderly cat. Think of that, then think of being alone and well its not such a good combo. I can only hope that I will meet a boy, guy, man that will care for me like I cared for my late spouse for many years and through many health events.

I said all of that to fall back to my original opinion that if it’s meant to be it will happen. If for whatever reason this doesn’t work then I will take the warning and stop trying to jump back into cat city and take a break. It might be temporary or it might be forever, it’s kind of like just playing it by ear. However, I think that these two will fall in love with me and that I will wind up adopting them. While they aren’t the Tuxedo cats that I wanted and they aren’t as young as I wanted, they aren’t terribly old. I will know more after tomorrow’s visit and right now I am just in emotional soup. There is some doubt, stress, worry and wondering. Will any of it benefit me, of course not. But I stress out on anything major in my life and this is more than just two cats, it’s a huge financial commitment. Kind of like purchasing a car or a home and well that financial stuff is scary because you know not what lies ahead. While today I have no worry or concern, I am an At Will Employee and my job doesn’t come with a guarantee or contract as to employment. Cats or not, if I lose my job I am screwed and not in a good way. Again, I’ve got no worries or immediate concerns. Not that I am trying to will any bad vibes here but there is that damn black cloud that follows me like my shadow and it puts out some Monsoons from time to time.

On a different note, last night (Friday) I got a whim to try to reinstall Windows on my computer. I started at 8p and it was 2a before I was even close to going to bed. I fixed the search function in Windows and a couple of other issues that were looming. I had to fight to get some customizations reapplied but things seem really stable and good right now. Hopefully, they stay that way. It was just a reinstall of windows on top of what was here, it kept all of my programs and data. I was doubtful if it would work but alas it did, just took its sweet time and with the customization fight that is what took up the larger part of my evening. Nothing like me trying to solve a computer problem, I’m like a dog with a bone and don’t know the word quit. If my little furry alarm clock would have been here, she would have been screaming her head off at me. I’m really surprised that I actually made it to my therapy session. Which by the way went better than the last 2. I am kind of on the fence if I want to keep going now or just stop. I haven’t scheduled anything but I’ve got the ability to. I am entitled to 3 more sessions and I have to schedule the next one within 3 weeks of today or the relationship automatically terminates.

I got some good food for supper, have a little bit left over that will go good for lunch tomorrow. I should pass out rather quickly tonight because I have not had a nap all day long. It’s been pure sugar and caffeine that powered me along with a minor dose of adrenaline.

Going to make a quick call, maybe surf for some porn and then upstairs and relaxing followed by eventually bedtime. I plan to be an early riser tomorrow, get breakfast out and hit up the grocery store. Then try to kill time until I need to leave for the Meet & Greet.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not only reading all of my blather and rambling but just being there with me on this journey that we call life. You are appreciated! Take care and I’ll be back with an update on how things go.

Not again

Last night I was made aware of the passing of one of my former childhood neighbors.  He was old not that it makes it easier and it sounds like from the way the obituary reads he was in declining health.  The man had a large family and well there is strength in numbers.  I desperately would love to go to the funeral but it’s a quick deal happening early next week.  Visitation and Funeral both happen on the same day.  This guys wife was the Nosie Rosie of our neighborhood and she knew everything about everyone.  In fact she wanted my phone number when my mom passed and a former neighbor had it but refused to give it out because she didn’t want to put me through an interrogation after just loosing my mom.  The lady has balls she will ask any question in the world regardless if it’s appropriate or not. 

To answer the big question she figured out I was gay and I never had to say a word about it.  We all grew up Roman Catholic and well homosexuality isn’t accepted.  Therefore, I wasn’t in the best light.  I was also the kid that was never going to amount to anything and well boy did I prove everyone wrong there. 

All in all they were good neighbors and they took care of my family.  It kind of feels like one of my own family members passed.  I feel so bad it’s like I can’t seem to escape death, it’s all around me.  I wish that it would leave me alone for a while, I’m kind of over it. 

The family didn’t want flowers but I sent something anyway, that will catch them all off guard but I know in the end they will appreciate it.  It’s not nearly enough because they took really good care of us when I lost my Mom, Grandmother and Grandfather.  I did what I could though and it’s the best I can do and really that’s all anyone could ask.  I am going to avoid the funeral service simply because I know that I would fall apart and I also don’t want to subject myself to an interrogation.  It would be nice to catch up with all of them but honestly I think somethings are better off left unsaid.  I expressed my sorrow and condolences, that’s really the only message I want to send.  I don’t want to get off in the weeds with my life or my sexuality. 

My initial thought was to tell my brother when I found out but I quickly talked myself out of that.  He would probably say something like oh well or thanks for letting me know and that would be the end of it.  He’s more self centered and focused on him and little family than anyone or anything else.  I hate that but not much I can do about it.  So, I didn’t say a word to him if he knows, he knows and if he doesn’t well then too bad. 

I just got word on the cats I inquired about, they were adopted last week.  I really wish they would update their website.  I filled out an application for the two that my friend sent me a photo of.  They were on my radar but I haven’t actually seen them in person.  I will probably be making a trip this weekend to check on them.  Again if it’s meant to be it will happen.  I had another friend send me a link to kittens that are for sale in the area.  That would probably be a better route to go because there wouldn’t be any rigmarole (that word sounds like an Italian Pasta Dish) with background checks, home visits and all of that jazz.  However, kittens aren’t fixed, chipped and vaccinated so there would be a greater responsibility.  If I get shot down on these next 2 then I will probably give up for now.  Part of me hopes I get approved but the bigger part of me kind of hopes that I can enjoy some additional alone time.  I do feel as if I am moving too fast but it’s like I am not in control of myself when it comes to this.  Hopefully, what ever the best outcome is here it happens. 

I had another night where I woke up at 4a and didn’t go back to sleep until a bit after 5a.  Of course when it was time to get up at 7a I was so not in the mood but despite sleeping in a little bit.  I still managed to have my morning routine done and was in front of the computer and logged on by 7:30a like I do every morning.  I got a couple of routine tasks out of the way.  Then shifted to ordering flowers and posting condolences.  I got lost in looking at all of the photos the family included on-line with the obituary.  You can just see via the photos how loved he was and what a rich & full life he lead.

I got back to work for a bit.  There is more waiting for me it’s like an unending buffet, but only instead of food it’s work.  I guess that is a good thing.  I need to get the word out about my schedule for next week.  That will cause some stress for others but honestly I do not care.  Work at the moment is the last thing on my mind.  I’d kind of like a sabbatical and do some serious travel but that would eat into my savings.  I am sure I could easily persuade my doctor to legally get me out of work but the bigger part of me says stick with it and keep plugging along.  I am just tired of the bullshit and regardless if I take a break or not, the bullshit will be there as long as the players stay the same, in fact even if the players change there would still be bullshit but it would be a new kind.  It’s a case of better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t. 

Guess I will get back to the so called fun.  I am looking forward to hopefully sleeping in tomorrow.  There are only a couple things on the agenda.  Going to see the crazy therapist lady, getting the mail and grabbing a bite to eat.  Then I think I am going to just loaf.  I’d like to get some cleaning done.  However, I am concerned when I have nothing to do that is when the grief will sneak up on me and hit me again.  It’s just something I have to go through and deal with regardless if I like it or not.  Last night didn’t start off easy, taking out the trash brought back memories and then I started looking into the photo and video archive I have of all of the kids, we sure did have some fun and made a lot of good memories but that’s all I have left now and you can’t cuddle with a memory. 

Hope you all have a great weekend!  Take care. 

Ah Thursday

Another day, another dollar as the saying goes. We made it to Thursday. This time next week I will be off from work. That is something I do look forward to.

No word yet on the cats I inquired about. I am expecting someone to reach out over the weekend if not before. While I won’t wait forever, I will give the place sometime. If for whatever reason I don’t hear anything I can always inquire about the two that my friend sent me yesterday. The difference between the 2 is the ones I inquired about are young (18 months old) and Tuxedo cats and the ones my friend sent me are adults (2 or 3 years old) and not Tuxedo cats. They remind me of a cat that my mom had when I was growing up.

I do question if I did the right thing and if it’s too soon but kind of like I said yesterday if it’s meant to be it will all come together and happen. I like the benefit of living totally alone in that I can do what I want when I want and not have to worry about anyone or anything else. I can move about freely without having to watch for a cat, but since it’s a habit to always look I still find myself looking when I have food in my hands and trying to make my way to the table.

Last night was a difficult night thinking about other cats, seeing Gator’s stuff that I still have yet to move and finally removing her as my phones wallpaper. The wallpaper thing was a huge event for me. I got tired of seeing her face each time I got a notification it was just a reminder of what I don’t have. I’m not mad at her but I miss her so much and I can’t erase her from my memory nor do I want to. I just need to get her out of constant daily sight to hopefully aid with recovering from the loss.

You know I had this strange belief back when Marv was around. I made him my wallpaper and as long as I didn’t change it, I convinced myself he would live forever. Once he passed, I changed my wallpaper to Gator with the same thought process. I didn’t know if I could actually change the wallpaper again and to what. Lord knows I’ve got plenty of cute guy photos on my phone and I used to back in the day change my wallpaper to a different guy each week or two, but I grew tired of that and always having to try to hide my phone so that others didn’t see my wallpaper (especially at work) so I switched to the cats. It was safe and gave me a comfort feeling. Plus, it was an easy way to show them off when I was speaking about one of them.

The thing that I struggle with is that I kind of feel stuck with Gator’s loss in that it’s taking such a long time to bounce back. I was making great progress and then this week hit and it was like it happened all over again. 18 years is a very long time and from what I found on the internet in human years she was 88. Thinking of an elderly lady declining in health kind of puts it into somewhat of a perspective for me. I still can’t help but think if I had a human with me, I would probably do much better. This is by far the longest that I have gone in grieving the loss of an animal, normally it’s a few days. A human being is something different and I guess Gator in my mind was part animal and part human so perhaps that is the reasoning why it’s taking a bit longer plus the fact that she was the last link to the life that I used to have. As I told someone back when I was happy and didn’t know it.

I struggled with sleeping last night, despite taking an extra dose of medicine. I had a nightmare which I knew was going to happen. Woke up at 4a and stayed awake until 5a watching YouTube videos. I was so happy to get back to sleep. When anything mentally is bothering me or any trouble with a person or my job it always causes me to suffer a lack of sleep. It’s been that way since I was a young adult and has stayed with me ever since. I’d like nothing more than to get a good night’s sleep each and every night regardless of what is going on in my life. Sleep does so much good for the body and the mind, it’s essential. Napping doesn’t help things and often makes the problem last longer than it needs to. Hopefully, this will all work its way out of my system sooner rather than later.

I’ve got an appointment to go back to the crazy therapist on Saturday. I had thought about cancelling it but given how I have felt this week I am going to see her and unless there is a reason this will be my last appointment. I won’t be announcing that to her because well I have no idea what is on the road ahead. I’ve got 3 weeks after I see her to make an appointment if I don’t then our relationship is automatically terminated. Since I am not exactly happy with her or the rules around her practice, I am going to try like hell to not have to go back. I’ve got 3 more visits at no charge. I can look for a therapist on my own and go through my insurance, as long as they are pre-approved, I get a large number of visits and again there is no cost to me. My only expense is gas and my time.

Things are still pretty chill on the work front. I think people are using this week to try to close out what was left over from last month and perhaps make plans for the coming year. I will take chill for the rest of the week and then see what happens for the short few days I am around next week. Next week for me will be pretty busy on a personal note. I’ve got to see the dentist, doctor, getting a massage and a haircut. Thinking of adding on my next COVID booster but I am on the fence about that. Plus, I will be on-call at work. I plan for someone to cover me for the short time I am away on Tuesday during the day and then all-day Thursday and Friday daytime I will pick up in the evening and through the weekend, since the following Monday is a holiday and the last one until May. I know things will be ramping up soon and then it will be back to the normal CHAOS but I sure do enjoy the break and for that matter any break I can get from it.

Hopefully things all fall into place for me as they should, the grieving lessens and life continues with better and brighter days ahead and certainly better luck. Perhaps this will be the year the black cloud that has been looming over me finally leaves, at least I hope so.

Take care, be well and stay warm.