30 June 2014

Last Monday in June

So tomorrow we move into July.  The only thing good about that is that I am able to flip the page on my calendars and see a new face and body.  NICE!  Outside of that I am really not excited to see a new month.  Feels like time is just drifting away.

This morning I got a call from my therapist informing me that she wasn’t a preferred provider so all of the benefits that I was supposed to get for free, well now I have to pay for them.  I kept my appointment today and am waiting for her billing person to figure things out.  I see benefit here but if I have to shell out cash I don’t know that I will continue very long, if at all. 

It’s like just when you think all of the bad stuff that has happened to me, it can and actually does get worse.  Bad things happen, just a part of life. 

I ventured out today and got a new shirt for interviewing.  The sales guy talked me into buying 2 and when I saw the total price I wanted to say put them back, but I paid and walked out.  They apparently don’t sell short sleeve dress shirts any longer, I was told they were hard to sell.  Everyone wants long sleeves.  That is everyone but me.  I sweat like no tomorrow and in the summer short sleeves are the best.  Anyway, I got one really dark blue and the other one is purple.  Both look good, but I’m going with blue for the interview.  I can save purple for a 2nd interview.  I had been dressing down in a polo and dress pants, I mean a tie really isn’t required in my field but I think that might have been part of my down fall.  So I’m playing to win and hopefully I will be able to win me a good paying job soon. 

I’m doing laundry and as soon as the dryer buzzer goes off I will be headed up stairs.  Feed the children their snack and call it a day.  I have to get up pretty early tomorrow.  I put off going to the grocery store tonight and instead treated myself to Red Lobster.  Again I can’t afford it but one has to live a little, now and then. 

Outside of the call from my therapist, the phone has been silent all day long.  The holiday doesn’t help me, lots of people are on vacation or working very short weeks.  I remember the 4th was always something that I looked forward to.  I mean it’s better when you have someone to share it with.  Even if we did just treat it as another day. 

So there you have it Monday in a nut shell.  Not exactly exciting times here but it was certainly a little different day from a normal Monday.  Talk with you peeps later. 

29 June 2014

The Weekend

Not much to report from here.  I slept away Saturday.  I had a friend try to get me to go out but I refused.  I just wanted to be left alone in my little cocoon. 

Today I got up around 9 and fed the animals.  Ate some breakfast and watched a little TV.  Reruns of Roseanne.  That sure was a great show.  I love their quick wit and comebacks.  Of course that might be part of the reason I am such a smart ass today.  Then it was back to bed.  I thought I was going to sleep with BLU because he was curled up in my bed.  However, I laid down and it wasn’t much longer he took off.  He waited until I was asleep and then came back.  I woke up and was surrounded by cats wanting lunch.  I tried to fake staying asleep in the hopes I would fall back asleep but that didn’t work out so well for me.  It was 1:30 so I got up and fed them.  Had a piece of left over pizza and a soda for lunch.

Not much on the agenda today.  I feel lazy and I see no reason to get all excited about things.  I would like to get a few things done but hey I’ve got all week.  Tomorrow will spring me into action because I have to get ready for therapy.  I am also thinking of going out to shop for a new shirt for interviewing.  I hope that the phone rings tomorrow and brings more interviews my way.  Right now the race is on, if I don’t have a job by the end of July then I won’t be able to make the mortgage payment for August.  I have the money for it, but since I don’t know how long this unemployment will go on I have to hold on to what little bit of money I have.  Hopefully, everything comes together and I will be back to work soon.

Being rejected a few times leads me to examine myself and wonder what is that I am doing wrong that seems to be scaring everyone off.  I’ve taken a pretty hard look at myself and replayed the interviews in my head.  I can think of a couple answers I would change but I honestly can’t find anything that would cause someone to say I really don’t want to hire him.  The last time I was unemployed it lasted for 2 years.  I thought it was a bad reference that kept me from getting jobs.  I know for a fact that it was a factor in at least 3 jobs that I had interviewed for.  However, I’m wondering if maybe some of that delay wasn’t because of something that I am doing wrong. 

I’ve read books on interviewing, but honestly I’ve done it so much I pretty well know how the game is played.  I am not overly bubbly and I don’t give answers like I am a princess.  I just sit down and talk to the people, keeping an up beat tone and trying to remember to smile a lot.  Smiling goes very far and it’s something that I don’t do enough of.  I am conscious of that, even before all of this bad luck happened to me I was that way.  I mean now that you know my full situation with everything that has transpired your probably saying to yourself if that happened to me I wouldn’t be smiling either.  When I am in an interview I don’t think of anything else but the interview, what questions to ask and constantly being aware of my surroundings and how things are going.  I send thank you letters and do all of the necessary steps, but still in the end I get rejected.  I ask for feedback but it’s seldom provided, mostly because company’s think you will sue them.  If I had enough money to sue everyone that turned me down for a job then I don’t think I would need a job.  The rejection was easily wiped away when I had a job but now that I am desperate and have no job, I kind of take it a little more personal.

I am not sure of what steps to take other than what I am doing, in order to land a job.  The in person interview I have this week requires multiple approvals before one is awarded the job.  I can only hope and pray I am their guy, the pay is right and that we can move the process along as quickly as possible.  It really sucks being in this fight all alone with no partner.  He would try to cheer me up, take me out for the occasional meal and/or sweet treat.  Perhaps we would just go for a drive.  He was concerned about my feelings and trying to keep me on the positive side of things, despite the fact that negativity has been bread into me.  Times like this make that negativity all the more worse. 

The good news is that the bills for the first part of the month of July are paid.  I have a savings account that has $100 held hostage.  Meaning that if the balance falls below that amount a service charge is automatic.  I am so highly allergic to service fees and those fees seem to be making a come back.  I want to close the account but I have had it for such a long time that I am having some reservations. 

Shy Girl has some knots in her fur.  She is slowly letting me work them out with a brush.  She doesn’t like brushing all that much.  Once I get the knots worked out it will be time to trim her claws again.  That is something neither her or I look forward to.  She has warmed up to me a bit since my partners death, because she knows I am the source of the food.  However, she is a picky little girl and thinks that she should have her own special food.  I only give that to her on occasion because it’s expensive and I don’t want to form a habit.  Big Boy is starting to become picky as well.  He turns his nose up frequently at what I serve him.  He will wedge his way in to the buffet pushing aside whomever to try a different can of food.  He doesn’t seem to mind all of the growling, hissing and fighting that goes on when that happens.  I on the other hand hate to hear hissing, it’s just a sign that trouble is on the way.  The females are the primary source for hissing (imagine that).  The males usually remain quiet and look at them like they are crazy bitches.  BLU will push his boundaries until a fight starts, he thinks he is a super cat or something. 

Well I have filed my unemployment claim for the week.  Off to see what other chores I can accomplish before it’s once again time for bed.  Take care and I will talk with you peeps later.

27 June 2014

The wait is over

As the title intimates the wait is over, I heard back from the place that I had the second interview on and they chose someone else.  So I am no longer waiting to hear from them, but I am waiting to find a job. 

I got a response to an ad that I answered and they want to do a phone interview.  Turns out it’s at the same time I am supposed to be at the unemployment back to work training.  Gosh, I really hate (not) that I have to miss that.  I of course will have to reschedule as attendance is mandatory.

Got a certified letter from my old employer today saying that they would like me to have my attorney contact them.  They are confused by my sentence “all future correspondence must be done via US Mail only”.  Apparently they want to talk on the phone or exchange e-mails.  If there turns out to be any kind of a claim I want to have proof, thus the exclusion for them to contact me via US Mail.  I don’t have an attorney representing me in this matter.  I told them I was told by an attorney not to sign their agreement.  Apparently they don’t think that one can consult an attorney for a specific matter and not retain the services of the attorney.  Honestly I can’t think of anything else we have to talk about at this point, so I am ignoring their letter.  Perhaps silence will be golden here and they will just go away. 

So next week I have another therapy visit, an in person interview and a phone interview.  One activity per day spread across 3 days.  I’d like to fill Thursday with another in person interview.  Only time will tell.  There wasn’t any ads to respond to today.  A place that is close by said they are hiring 3 people but they want me to take a 13 thousand dollar pay cut.  I can’t afford to do that, I would never be able to pay my bills.  However, they have great benefits.  Too bad you can’t pay bills with benefits. 

I got a response back on my late partners medical records.  It’s another bill and all they did was photocopy all of the documents that I sent them, send them back to me and charge me for photocopying and postage.  Really?  I wrote them and said what gives.  I was furious.  Once I managed to calm down I see the problem, I didn’t specify why I wanted them.  Well, honestly you don’t have to specify why you want them, it’s not required by law.  They wrote me back and asked me for an invoice number.  I provided that and haven’t heard from them since.  I will pick this up again on Monday.  I know the records will cost me a small fortune but it will help me put an end to wondering if he took his own life or if it’s like I believe that he simply was confused and thought he was out of medication that he actually had.  I’m looking for an answer and the only way I will get it is to get the records.  Hopefully, they will comply.  I had an easier time getting medical records from 2 hospitals then I am his physician’s office.  Funny thing is that the physicians office and the 2nd hospital where he was taken are part of the same medical family. 

Ugh, life just seems to be one challenge, after another challenge.  I am tired of fighting.  I just want a job so I can go back to work, earn money to pay bills and get by with the ability to save a few dollars.  Apply and get a home loan, pay off my car and find a nice guy to spend the rest of my life with.  I don’t think I want too much and I am certainly not asking for the stars and the moon, so why doesn’t it all just come together?  Excellent question of which I have no answer to. 

Not looking forward to the weekend but looking forward to Monday and going back to therapy.  Happy weekend!  Talk with you peeps later.

26 June 2014


Wednesday I sat around waiting for it to be time to get ready for the interview.  I actually fell asleep (happens when I am bored) and woke up in time to get ready.  I was in the shower, heard the phone as I turned off the water and began drying off.  Caller ID said that it was the place I was going to.  I had a gut reaction that the interview was cancelled.  Once I got dried off I confirmed that by listening to the message.  They filled the position and cancelled the interview.  They were hoping that the message reached me before I traveled the long distance to their office.  Yeah, I got the message in time but I was not happy.  It would have been much worse if I would have driven there and found out that it was cancelled.  I mean I wasn’t thrilled about the job but I at least owed it to myself to show up and give it a fair shot. 

Thursday I woke up early because of course I was worried about the whole Food Stamp thing.  Turns out it was probably the simplest thing I did all day long.  It was just a matter of confirming what I put on paper was correct.  I didn’t need to gather all of the documentation that they asked for.  Now I have to wait and I will get a letter within a week if I am approved or denied.  If approved a debit type card will arrive within a week.  Oh joy, something else to wait on.  I totally hate that.  I think as sophisticated as their computers are they should know on the spot if your approved or denied.  The lady told me that she was hoping I would be approved the this afternoon.  Yeah, okay hoping and actually approved are two different situations.

I made a stop at Target.  I wanted to get a pride shirt but they didn’t have any, which is usually what happens because I wait until the last minute.  I did get some other things I needed and was very disappointed they didn’t have Orange Listerine.  That was my favorite.  I’m back to Green and not looking forward to it. 

Then it was on to get the mail.  A certified letter was waiting for me.  Gee, I wonder who that could be from?  If you guessed my former employer your right.  I didn’t claim it, I will get around to it tomorrow or Saturday.  I’m sure it’s just more BS.  Unless there is a direct question I am done with them and will ignore them.  I’m sure they are not happy I am not signing the Separation Agreement.  However, they must think I have a claim or they would have never offered it to me in the first place.  It’s their get out of jail free card and it only works if I sign it. 

Then I see a letter from the unemployment people.  I figured it’s a dreaded you must report notice.  Nope this is a you must attend a getting back to work class.  They are going to teach me how to write a resume, how to interview, etc.  Things I already know and am already doing.  I’ve done this before and don’t see the point.  There will be some type of aptitude test and then they will “school me”.  The worst part is that it’s is in a place where there is only on street parking.  First, I am horrible at parallel parking.  Second, I’m not wild about street parking and slugging a meter.  I’m going to a government agency and they are not in a hurry and could care less if I get 1, 2 or 3 parking tickets.  I thought I had an interview the day they wanted me to report but I don’t.  If I did then I would have to furnish them with that information so they could check up on me, like I am a convict or child.  I understand fully that there are people that abuse the system, but I’m not one of those people.  As evidence by my weekly reports and the number of contact that I make.  It’s very clear that I want to get back to work.  However, for all of those that have screwed over the system – the rest of us have to pay.  Totally unfair.  My hope is that I have a job and then I will have a valid reason for not attending. 

I returned a call from a recruiter who wants to waste my time and have me drive 30 plus miles to come see her and her boss so they can figure out if I am presentable and a good candidate to submit for a job.  We talked about it and I let her make the appointment and she promised to send me an e-mail to confirm everything.  She just didn’t say when she was going to send it.  I am waiting for it and will cancel the appointment.  I see no reason to waste my gas so that someone can look at me and figure out if I am a professional.  This is one of those dreaded situations where they call you over, waste your time and gas to say they will submit you and you never ever hear from them again.  I fell for that time and time again the last round, this round I am not going to let it happen unless it’s absolutely necessary.  That is part of the reason why my resume is not posted on any job website because you get offers like this, plus tons of spam and every life insurance and financial company thinks that you’d make a great salesperson for their organization.  I’m not a salesperson I’m an IT Professional.  I want to stick to what I know.

Still waiting to hear from the recruiter from the job I had the 2nd interview with on Tuesday.  I have checked the website and it says that I am still under consideration.  I suppose their HR Department moves very slow.  Typical for a large organization, the bigger they are the slower they move and the more BS and rules you have to comply with.  However, it will all be worth it to me if they make me a decent offer.  Despite the ‘crazy’ people and the myriad of potential immunizations I will have to get, I think it will totally be worth it.  Please let them call tomorrow, it would be the best way to end the nightmare and end the week.  My body/sleep scheduled will need to be adjusted but outside of that I am totally ready to give it a go.  Pick me!

The children are driving me nuts with their begging for food.  They are eating more and better than I am.  I think I should have said I will pay for my food give me help with cat food.  Too bad it doesn’t work that way.  They would have run out of food today if I didn’t go shopping.  So I made my way to the pet store as well.  Now I have nothing going tomorrow.  I can do whatever I want, the entire day is mine.  Want to guess where you will find me?  If you said in bed, chances are pretty good that your exactly right.  Although I have thought about going through some of my late partners crap again and trying to clean this place up a little more.  I also desperately need to wash my bed clothes.  The problem with that is every time I am ready there seems to be a cat occupying my bed.  If it’s not Jumper then it’s Blu and they both enjoy sleeping there.  A sleeping cat is a cat that isn’t begging for food, which is good.  Hence why I don’t want to disturb them.  However, all it takes is 1 to start the choir of begging.  One meow and then several more join in.  You can only put them off for so long and then they feel they have to prove their point to you.  That might be by nipping at you or just constantly meowing despite how many times you ask for them to be quiet. 

I watched a special on HBO called The Case Against 8.  It’s talking about Prop 8 for Same Sex Marriage in CA.  It was very eye opening and I am so thankful that those people stepped forward to help pave the way for the rest of us.  Today is also the day 1 year ago that DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) was struck down.  I remember I was watching the US Supreme Court’s website while holding my breath.  I was so elated, even though it really didn’t benefit me it’s good to know that it was unconstitutional.  Love is Love is Love is Love.  Now if I just had someone to love it would make this difficult time just a little bit better. 

Lawn Boy showed up yesterday, he was late.  It was very hot out but he was fully clothed.  I soon took my focus off of him and began talking on the phone when 2 hot blond boys started walking down the street.  They were selling something.  I have a no solicitors sign so they got so far, saw that and turned.  I wanted to rip that down and say uh yoo hoo come give me your sales pitch.  It wasn’t the sales pitch I was after, it was them.  Ah well.  Lots of people peddle stuff and that sign discourages about 1/2 of them.  Plus I have no mailbox so it’s difficult to drop off a flyer or literature.  All the more reason why there is no mailbox. 

Well off to see what kind of trouble I can stir up.  I have something to do most everyday next week except for Thursday and Friday.  Friday of course is the 4th of July so it will be a holiday.  Too bad I wasn’t scheduled for the job class thingy then.  That would have been hilarious.  However, I’m sure they would have caught up with me.  If you don’t go then they stop your benefits and well I need the money so I will let them waste my time.  I am interested in seeing where I am at for the 4th.  Last year I was invited to some friends house but I am not sure if that will happen this year.  I really don’t want to be around my family as that will leave me open for questions.  Take care and I will talk with you peeps again.

24 June 2014

So far it’s only Tuesday

Monday was therapy.  My therapist is some yuppie woman who appears to be in complete control of life and strikes me as the typical doctor type who thinks they are better than you.  At least that is the vibe she gives off.  The 1st session it’s self went well and she feels that I am suffering from PTSD and that I have not fully grieved the loss of my partner.  She has encouraged me to mix it up at home and make changes so that the place looks more like my place than our place.  There are a couple of changes I would like to make but that involves work and we all know how much I love to procrastinate.  I am still thinking of taking over what used to be his bedroom but I am not too eager to act on that.  For now I will be meeting with her 1 time per week and if I find a job she said that she would work around my schedule, which was a pleasant surprise in that her hours are like 9-5 but she told me she does lots of after hours work.  I would have to drive to a different place but good to know that a job wouldn’t be a deal breaker. 

I have spent many hours tinkering with a response to letters I got my from former employer.  I finally settled on what I think is the best version and mailed it today.  When I didn’t get a paycheck this time that kind of hurt.  I thought they owed me additional money for time worked but checking into it further that is not the case.  They do however owe me for vacation time and I am pursing that.  However, the state that I worked in has no provisions for recovering vacation pay.  An employer can promise to pay and then not come through.  There is no recourse for the former employee.  The only thing that you can legally go after is Wages earned.  Failure to pay wages is a crime.  Given the fact that I am sticking them with a paperweight for a laptop I suspect they will fail to pay my vacation.  I have also informed them that I was advised by an attorney not to sign their separation agreement.  So given the fact that I won’t be doing that they probably won’t be issuing a letter of recommendation.  They are disappointed in me and I am just mad as hell at them.  It’s best if we just left each other alone, then we would probably get along better.  My letter will be delivered tomorrow and I suspect that the fireworks will erupt shortly after.  I have no idea on their next move but it will be interesting to see. 

2nd job Interview.  I had my 2nd interview today with a major employer in the area.  This is the job working with the mentally challenged.  I got a tour of the building and got to learn more about what they actually do.  It’s a relaxed atmosphere but not to sound funny literally I would be surrounded by crazy people.  Parts of the building smell like an old nursing home.  No one actually lives in this location, it’s an outpatient facility.  Very interesting concept and it brings hope to people with mental illness that need rehabilitation and want to reenter the work force.  However, there is absolutely no privacy.  I am told that patients will constantly approach you and want to make small talk, as well as report computer problems.  I do like to help people but I also have a weak tolerance for stupid.  It sounds like a nice place and given how things went and how the interview ended I believe that I will be made an offer.  Not sure if it will be worth it but it would be a job.  One of the things I was told that is if I accept an offer that there would be a 2 week process of various things that occur from background checks, drug tests to immunizations.  One of the guys said he had to get like 40 shots before he started there.  Wow, that is a lot of needles.  They asked me if I was a smoker, chewer or used tobacco in any form.   When I told them know there was a sigh of relief because this organization hires only non-smokers.  I think that is discriminatory but it’s not one of the protected classes so they can get away with it.  I’m told that word one way or the other will come this week.

My next interview is tomorrow in the afternoon.  I am less thrilled about this and expect them to offer me a job if not on site shortly there after.  Now I am trying to choose in my mind if you pit one against the other which one is the better opportunity.  Not to mention which one pays better and provides the most stability.  I wish I was excited about one of these jobs instead of looking at both of them as duds.  All I know is that I can’t afford to turn my nose up at anything at this point.  I am the one in need and the one who will make a move out of desperation. 

Stay tuned and we will see if I can get back to work soon, even if it’s a job I don’t love today, maybe I will fall in love with it over time.  Talk with you peeps later.

21 June 2014

Threats–Job Search–Just another week

Welcome back for another dose of fun and an update on my week. Not a whole lot has changed. 

Monday my former employer started texting me and calling my cell phone.  They figured out that my laptop was biometrically protected and w/o my fingerprint the machine is nothing more than a mere paperweight.  Now if you know what your doing you can get around that, however since they let their IT guy (me) go none of them are smart enough to know what to do.  I ignored their requests and it actually got so bad I had to forward my cell phone to disconnected number so they would think that I abandoned the number.  I let it stay that way for a couple days and then took the forward off.  I’ve gotten calls for flowers and to rent property.  It’s all of a sudden like people don’t know how to dial.

Friday I received a couple certified letters from my old employer.  The first one said that my severance agreement was going to expire and the second one said that my severance agreement was going to expire and that if I didn’t provide them my password for my laptop immediately they were going to take legal action against me.  It’s a fingerprint!  What do they want me to do chop off my finger and mail it to them.  Well if I was dumb enough to do that I would send them my wait for it…… middle finger! 

I have since contacted my attorney and checking to see if they in fact have legal recourse.  From what I can tell based on a web search they have no grounds for a suit.  The laptop was $700 at most.  You’d spend that in attorneys fees and filing costs.  If they would file suit it would require me to file a response and that would cost me.  I am stubborn enough to make them go through the motions and then go okay, in exchange for you dropping the suit, we can arrange for a meeting where I will swipe my finger and open up the laptop.  The problem is that unless they know to change the settings in the BIOS that when the machine loses power it will again require my finger print. 

I have a response letter prepared for them and have also downloaded and modified a template for a Cease and Desist Letter asking them to stop contacting me as their contact is unwelcome and unwanted.  I outline the specific reasons for contacting me that are permitted and state that all contact is restricted to US MAIL.  That way I don’t have to listen to them bitch, threaten and hound me on the phone.  Anything they want will be done in writing and that my friends will stand up in a court of law, so they will have to be careful on what they write. 

With regards to the severance agreement, they by law owe me 45 days since they fired someone else for the same reason as me.  They think I haven’t seen an attorney, I am dumb and will just sign my rights away.  Nope, I actually can’t sign the agreement because I have already filed a complaint against them.  It apparently has yet to surface but when it does they will be sorry they ever fucked with me.  Fines, penalties and they will have their name in the news so no one will want to do business with them.  That effectively will put them out of business.  They were going out of business anyway, at least that is what they have told everyone.  I know first hand it’s not true, it was a rouse to get rid of certain people and I just so happened to be one of them.

Moving on to the Job Hunt.  I got a call last week to setup an interview this week for Thursday.  I was going into this negative and not excited about the opportunity.  I went to the interview and my perception changed as soon as I got in front of the panel of people I was meeting with.  I got a good vibe.  The interview was over and then they asked me to meet their Finance Guy and wanted to bring in the HR person but he was busy.  I talked with the Finance Guy and we laughed and made idle chit chat.  The whole experience was laid back and I left thinking this is the one, they will be calling with an offer.  I raced home to email off my thank you letter.  To touch base with the Head Hunter and then it was time to wait. 

Friday afternoon I received an e-mail from the Head Hunter saying that they would not be extending an offer because “it wasn’t a good cultural fit”.  WTF!?  That wording is very vague and open to interpretation as in Discrimination.  It could be because of my age, my sexuality, the fact I am unmarried I mean the list goes on and on.  I have asked for clarification but heard nothing but crickets.  So I did some research and found their HR guys name and I am sending him a Certified Letter saying hey I thought this was going to work out and I am perplexed by the rejection.  I can deal with it but I have to have more information about the reason I was given.  I was very polite and made no threats.  I should get a response next week.  Otherwise, I will move to file a complaint against them, at which time they can explain to the US Government what they meant. 

Honestly I am not a litigious person but if I know I am right and you are dead wrong I will fight until the bitter end to prove you wrong. 

So that kind of dashed my hopes.  I was all confident and cocky then to hear there was no offer was a huge let down.  However, I got a call for a 2nd interview it’s at the place where I would have to work with mentally challenged people.  I am not excited about it at all, but the employer is a major organization in the area and offers stellar benefits and I already know the salary offer would be more than I was making, not what I want but only 2 thousand away from it.  So it would benefit me.  Plus I figure if I get in and truly don’t like it just bide my time and eventually I could transfer.  Perhaps this will be the one, I don’t know but hope that I can land somewhere quickly and that I am happy with whatever is given to me.  I don’t want to keep on this job search any longer than absolutely necessary. 

I called about my Unemployment.  I was given a bogus reason.  Turns out they were waiting to see if my former employer was going to protest the claim.  That call actually got the ball rolling.  I got my first check today.  However, I didn’t know that it was coming and the person that I talked to told me it could be 6 weeks before I got paid.  Well that prompted me to apply for Food Stamps.  I am NOT happy about it but a person has to take steps necessary for survival. 

I finally made contact with the person I selected to be my Therapist.  I am meeting her on Monday.  I filled out all of the paperwork yesterday and wow it looks like I am a nut job.  I certainly don’t feel that way about myself.  I have just had a lot of negative things happen to me starting with my partner dying and eventually loosing my job.  It’s just a bit much to handle. 

The bills are rolling in and everyone wants their money.  Friday I got a call from the Mortgage Company about my Assumption Application.  Huh?  I never filed for an Assumption and I know my Attorney didn’t either.  I am glad I didn’t take that call because it could have caused all sorts of problems.  I instead have contacted my Attorney and asked her to inquire about it.  I didn’t file such an application and given my situation right now I DO NOT want to assume the loan.  If I was dumb enough to if/when I default then it would go against my credit.  As it stands now it will go against my late partners credit and well that is shot anyway, not like he is going to need it.  In the US if you default on a property you have a restriction placed on you for a number of years where you are unable to purchase Real Property of any kind.  So you are forced to rent.  I’ve seen both the Rental Side and Ownership Side.  I personally like the Ownership Side.  However, the American Dream was to always own a home.  Now I hear that it’s better to Rent than buy.  Do something with the balance of your money like invest it.  I think that is hog wash but just my opinion. 

My week is pretty full.  Monday is Therapy, Tuesday is my Interview, Thursday I have to go talk to the Food Stamp people.  That leaves Wednesday and Friday wide open.  I got a call today from another place and may have an interview on Wednesday.  I’m not thrilled about it because it’s a family business and they want mega attention and they are further from my home and not willing to meet my salary demands.  I hope they don’t call back, I would just as soon pass on this one. 

Mr. Big Boy his brother and sisters all had a Birthday today.  They are all 10 years old.  Momma had her Birthday on Thursday and she is 11 years old.  They are a blessing and a curse at the same time.  Mr. Big Boy has me worried his bowel habits have changed and last night he peed on the carpet, which he NEVER does.  I know he will most likely be the first one to die out of his family, but I am NOT ready to part with him.  I’m keeping an eye on him.  His eating habits have changed as well.  He is extra picky about what he will eat.  You think he is tearing into a can of food and he takes a couple bites to fool you then he stops.  As if to say, nope don’t like it get me something else.  He has been making his rounds through the various plates in the house and stealing food from the others, again something he never has done before.  I don’t know what is going on with him but as long as it doesn’t mean a trip to the vet and I don’t have to dig a hole to bury him, I am content with catering to him.  He knows he has me wrapped around his finger. 

Wow – that was sure a mouthful.  I am headed to see about finding something on TV.  Tomorrow is Grocery Store Day and we all know how excited I am about that.  Ugh!  Hope your all doing well.  Talk with you peeps later.

17 June 2014

Hanging on

Not a whole lot has changed since I last made an entry.  I have been rejected a few times and gotten closure on a job that I thought for sure was coming through.  I don’t exactly like hearing no but after you have heard that word most of your life it gets a little easier to deal with. 

A place that is close to home that I applied for but was turned down, has an ad out again.  I applied.  They have been searching for someone for a few months now.  Apparently they don’t know how to pick talent or it is a really crappy environment to work in.  This is the place that offers the generous vacation allowance of 1 week.  I can’t see spending the rest of my life at this place but it would be something to get me back on my feet and then if I needed to I could move on.

Yesterday my friend from where I used to work reached out to me for like the millionth time about work crap.  We need to know where this is and we have this problem.  Uh I don’t work there anymore, I was cut off at the knees and therefore so are you.  I never would answer the phone and finally got so tired of the constant text messages that I forwarded my phone to a disconnected number, so she would think that I swapped numbers or forgot to pay the bill.  No text messages today and the calls are still going to the recording.  I will take it off in a couple days.  I hate to burn a bridge on a friendship but it’s clear that she is loyal to the people who are paying her.  I need to move on and not have constant reminders about that place and what is happening.  All of those people could drop dead tomorrow and it would not phase me one bit. 

Speaking of that place still no unemployment.  Unless they are protesting it shouldn’t take this long.  I called today and was told they are working on getting a deputy assigned to my case and I would either receive a letter in the mail or payment would just magically show up in my bank account.  Keep on looking for a job and keep on reporting in.  Yeah, I’m smart enough to know that.  However I can’t take those words to the bank and pay bills with them.

While I am not proud of it, today I applied for Food Stamps.  I mean it’s pretty clear that my expenses outweigh the money I have on hand and within two months I will be completely broke.  I am making the July house payment but that will be the last one unless I get a job.  I’ve alerted my attorney so they know to let the mortgage company know but they won’t do anything until we get closer to the August payment being due, once the word gets out I will surely be setup for foreclosure. 

My life to me feels as if it is spinning out of control.  I can’t get closure over my late partners death because of the mortgage & bankruptcy situation.  Plus I am battling now to get his medical records from his doctor.  I really want to know if his death was because he was confused or because he was diagnosed with something that he didn’t tell me about.  He loved me more than life it’s self and I really don’t think that he left me on purpose.  I would like to have the records to back that up.  Then factor in everything else that has transpired since his death with the mortgage & bankruptcy battle, car accident, looming job loss, worrying about Big Boy dying, My financial worries, Identity Theft, Job Loss … I mean it’s no wonder I feel the way I do.  Since I don’t see the sun shining on me anytime soon, I’d like to at least have someone to talk with about things in greater detail.  This is something that I have thought about for a long time and took steps today to find a therapist.  Now I just hope the person I chose is IN NETWORK and actually calls me back.  I checked my benefits and they are really decent on this.  I view this as another way my late partner is continuing to care for me, even though he is gone.  Being quite serious I can’t kill myself because of the cats.  No one would care for them like I will.  No one knows them like I do.  They are both a blessing and a curse.  I love them so much and in many ways they are the last living tie to my late partner.  I made him a promise and I just can’t go against that.  Killing myself is the only way that I see where there is no more pain or suffering to do.  If there was some place I could take them and they would care for them and keep them together then I would gladly do it and then check out of life. 

My mother and brother both have been calling a lot lately.  They have no idea that I am unemployed.  I told them that work was cutting costs so we had to turn in our cell phones.  That is it.  Letting that cat out of the bag means that I would become my mothers chauffer and I can’t deal with that responsibility nor her.  It would be far too much.  It’s bad enough that I lost my job no sense in compounding the suffering. 

Now it’s on to litter box duty and to finish up the series I want to marry Harry.  I am getting a haircut tomorrow and then on to a job interview on Thursday.  I am not excited about the interview on Thursday because I think they want me to use my car to travel cross country to do their business.  That will not happen, no matter what they are paying me.  If you want me to travel like that, then you supply a vehicle.  I’m fine with local travel but not cross country in my car.  So I don’t think things will work out but I am giving it a go because you just never know where life will take you.  My hope is that the phone starts ringing off the hook tomorrow because of a couple jobs that I applied for today.  The market is still sluggish but I have done pretty well with the # of contacts that I am able to make in a week.  It is getting harder as times goes on.

I hope things are coming up roses for you and that your world is not in such a shambles as mine is.  Talk with you again.  Cheers!

07 June 2014


I heard the news on Friday that Season 2 of Orange is the new Black is on Netflix.  I have watched the 2nd season and as usual am ready for more.  Sort of the case with every series I watch that way.  Each episode takes up about an hour of time.  I started on Friday afternoon and just finished tonight.  It was really good.

I met with the attorney and I am waiting to hear back from him on his thoughts.  I honestly think given the situation I would be better to walk away than to sign the agreement.  There is some language in the agreement that will bite back if I sign it.  Then I will have to repay all of the money, plus pay for their attorneys fees, court costs, etc.  It would be counter productive.  It’s one word that is killing me.  Hypothetically I could alter the document and remove that 1 word but if they caught it, that would prove to be a problem for me. 

In addition to that 1 word.  I want more money, I want language in there that talks about them not screwing with my unemployment and that they will provide me with a letter of reference.  By walking away I will make them shake and wonder if I will attempt to file any action against them.  They will be on guard so to speak.  Finally, I didn’t get my vacation pay.  If I sign their piece of garbage agreement then I waive my right to vacation pay.  I did some research and it turns out there is no enforceable action I can take against them for not paying me.  I can call it to their attention but outside of that there isn’t much else I can do to force them to pay me for that time.  What I received on Friday was a normal paycheck.  My gut tells me to walk away and let it be, however I will see what the attorney has to say next week.

They called me on Friday and said we need the password for your Blackberry.  I told them I forgot.  They came back with you better remember or we are going to charge you for the device.  Really, it’s 2 years old and it belongs outright to the company.  There is no monetary value on it because it is so old.  Besides that I told them guess at the password, you get 10 times and then the device will auto format it’s self and you will be able to reuse it.  That was their big claim they wouldn’t be able to reuse it.  Well if the company is going out of business then why would you need to reuse it?  There isn’t a single person in need of a phone right now.

Meanwhile on the job hunt a friend called and told me they saw a job that would be perfect for me.  It was in yesterdays paper.  I said I don’t get the paper.  Well you can probably search for it on-line, yeah dumb ass that is if they publish it.  Then it came to them, here is the website.  Geez, if your going to do me a favor do it right otherwise your not helping me.  I looked it up and applied.  It’s not a place that I would want to work but it’s better than unemployment. 

This has only been the first full week of unemployment and I am losing my mind.  Trapped all day in the house, the children begging for food and all I can think about is losing everything that I have worked so very hard to keep after my partners death.  It’s like not only will my effort be in vain but think of the $20,000.00 that I have sunk into mortgage payments.  That is just the mortgage. There are other bills like food, water, lights, gas, etc.  Looking back the decision I made was the easy one to stay put.  However, if I could do it all over I think I would simply walk away.  Move into another place and call it a day.  I would have had to get rid of probably all but 1 or 2 of the kids.  However, I would have money in the bank and I wouldn’t be in immediate jeopardy, like I am now. 

Rejecting the hush money my former employer wants to give me only cuts my time closer to running out of money.  If I am blessed with a job soon, like this week.  Then I can make another mortgage payment and everything should be okay.  If not then I can still make the payment but it’s less money that I will have to live on.  I don’t want to do the wrong thing and I can’t afford to make a mistake.

All I can say is dear Lord Jesus please hear me and know my immediate need for a job.  Please bless me with a job very soon that will be adequate enough to pay all of my bills and keep living the life that I am accustom to.

If I land on my feet some of the pressure will be over with at the end of the year when my car is paid for.  The Bankruptcy should be about ending as well and that will be $500 that I will be able to save or spend elsewhere.  Things won’t be so tight.  Plus I should qualify for a loan on my own and if so the payment should be more reasonable.  I just got on the rollercoaster from hell and the ride hasn’t stopped yet.  I can only hope and pray that this all works out for the very best and I am able to keep everything and everyone.

So in conclusion I am still in a very dark place and in need of much help.  Up to feed and medicate the children, then to see what I can find to watch until I decide to fall asleep.  Tomorrow is grocery shopping day and my day to check in with unemployment.  Thankfully the check in is done via the computer.  That is for now.  Once they start paying me they will send a letter summoning me every 4 week to their office where I have to go through there little game to prove that I am alive and I didn’t file a false claim and decide to travel to Russia.

SEND HELP NOW – SAVE MY SHIP! Talk with you peeps later.

04 June 2014

Dark Place

I had an interview today, it would involve working with people who are Chronically Mentally Ill.  It sounds like there would be a lot of potential for warm fuzzes but I am afraid of the incompetence level and if I would blow my top.  Nothing against these people but I don’t do well with stupid. 

I have had a couple of phone interviews this week as well but haven’t heard anything back from either of them.  I am just waiting for someone to make me an offer and it feels like it’s not going to come anytime soon. 

I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow to discuss the specifics of my situation and as well to have him review the agreement that was thrown in my face.  It’s going to cost me $250 but I think it is better to spend the money to be able to make an informed decision about how best to proceed.  Knowing my former employer I am sure he is chomping at the bit wanting to know if I have signed yet.  Personally I do not want to sign I would rather make him sweat.  However I kind of need the money and that is what they are hoping for.  My unemployment application is pending on what my former employer says.  Hopefully they don’t fuck up my unemployment and make me fight for that as well.  I mean they act like it’s their money, it is a benefit I am entitled to under the law.   

Mentally I am in a dark place.  I am really worried about the house and the children.  I’m afraid that this may cause us to part ways.  Rather than see how things go I am tempted to just check out, but I am telling myself that something good will come of this and I will be okay.  That won’t prevent foreclosure.

I hope that the storm in my life that has been one thing after another is going to pass and the sun will be allowed to come out and I can work on getting back to happy and normal.  This whole ordeal from my loss to my job loss is starting to get old.  I honestly just want to retreat back into my shell and sit and watch the world go by.  That won’t pay the bills or do me any favors of getting a job but it will prevent me from getting further hurt. 

The children are eating like little pigs.  We spend a lot of time napping around here.  They are sleepers by nature but me when I am bored the first thing that comes to mind is sleeping.  I have plenty of house work to do but hell it’s waited so long what is another day. 

I did manage to cook.  I made a pot of whole wheat Spaghetti.  It was really good and the sauce disguised the whole wheat taste.  So not bad and there are plenty of left overs.  It’s like Italian week.  I had Pizza last night.  Tomorrow night I am meeting a friend for dinner at an Italian place.  It’s the first “treat” that I have allowed myself to have. 

Well it’s getting time for supper and I need to eat.  I’ve got a salad with my name on it and I have passed it up for a couple days, time to dive in.  Then to see what is on TV that I can get lost in. 

Hope all is well in your world and that life is kinder to you than it has been to me.  Not sure when I will be back with another update, but rest assured if and when I am offered a job I will be sure to post about that.  If not that then when I win the lottery.  There just has to be a way out of this mess!