Hot Summer Day

Well, Monday is behind us.  Hope it wasn’t too bad for you.  Mine was actually okay.  It wasn’t a super busy day but there was some work to be done.  By 3:30p I was able to head up and get logged in from my laptop to keep a watch on things at work.  Thankfully, nothing surfaced and my day was done. 

My YouTube feed is a little jacked up but it’s slowly working it’s way back to normal.  Search for one thing and watch one video and the algorithm thinks it found a new interest of yours so it rearranges things.  Anyway I saw a 20/20 Episode that looked appealing so I tuned in.  Not sure if your familiar with the case of Blaze Bernstein, he was murdered in 2018 by a classmate because he was gay (and also Jewish).  The story started off and I was like yeah I remember this.  Then I saw more recent updates for how the case turned out.  His killer was convicted.  Technology helped to solve the case more specifically Snap Chat as well as cell phone tracking.  It was still heartbreaking to hear the details play out and I felt so bad for Blaze and his family.  He died a horrible death and based on what I know from watching a lot of crime drama, his classmate was more than likely in love with him.  Poor kid just entered college and had his whole life ahead of him. 

After that was done I wasn’t sure of what to watch.  Wound up watching a if you grew up in the 70’s video.  They talked about some familiar things like Fruit Stripe Gum, Orange Tupperware, Iron on Patches, and TV Stations signing off for the night among other things.  It was interesting and made me wonder if my brother kept the Tupperware we grew up with or if he threw it out.  That was some good stuff and we ate a bunch of meals served in Tupperware.  Ah to be young again. 

The cats were extra hyper last night.  I fed them supper early and got my supper early as well.  I figured that would calm them down but it only served to rev Mora up.  She goes nuts in the time that lapses between supper and treat time.  She bugs me and does her level best to grate on my last nerve because she knows if she does that I will give in and they get treats early.  Well, it worked and then they both were out like lights but not before having some playtime of their own chasing each other around the house.  They both have a birthday coming up next week and I am already talking to them about it. 

I started feeling a little more lousy as the evening wore on and I was really dreading waking up this morning because I figured that I would be ill.  However, I turned off the ceiling fan, slept pretty good and woke up feeling okay.  I think there is still some bug in me but it’s working it’s way out.  I will be turning the fan off at night, that is normally what gets me.  I slept with it on for a month and no issues which is why I figured that I out grew that but apparently that’s not the case. 

I’ve got 3 days of interaction with my boss and I am not thrilled about that at all.  We have meetings today and tomorrow.  Then our useless check in call on Thursday afternoon, which is a waste of time.  However, I hope that maybe he has information on my pay raise, fingers crossed.  It’s about that time where we get that information.  Although in years past we have had to wait until mid to late July.  I’m only working for the money like most people. 

Grass crew showed up and mowed the lawn.  I haven’t gotten a bill from them in months and when it finally hits it’s gonna be big.  Thankfully I have money set aside automatically each month so I don’t miss it.  I like to settle my bills as quickly as possible I don’t like things lingering.  Don’t get me wrong I hate sending money out the door but I am so thankful that I have it to send.  I remember the rough times where I had to scrimp and hold my breath and barely squeaked by.  I much prefer not having to worry about it. 

Another hot summer day as time marches on.  I just think in a few months how cold it will be outside and we will be wanting it warm again.  Shame we can’t have it just right where it’s comfortable for everyone year round – the power company would hate that.  Just imagine though not having to use heat or ac on a regular basis, sounds like some kind of utopia to me. 

Thanks for stopping by, hope all is well.  Take care!

What’s up Doc?

My doctor finally responded to my inquiry last night about the drug to treat this high LPA level.  He did concur with me that my odds of approval are slim in trying to get my insurance to cover the drug.  If a cardiac event were to occur the odds are low but not zero that it would kill me.  There is some family heredity that factors into the result.  Given all of that I am just going to keep on the current meds that I have and we will hope for the best.  I am sure that I will bring it up at my next visit but for now it’s just business as usual. 

I did think about the family part and thought my brother should probably know.  This way it would relieve me of any guilt for having not told him if something were to happen to him.  I wrote a short letter to him and am heading out later today to mail it.  Given our last interaction was when Gator died and it wasn’t all that pleasant I figure it’s just best to convey the results and suggest that he speak with his doctor to consider having the test ran.  This way he knows and I’ve done my duty.  If my brother is still the same as he used to be, he’s not seeing a doctor regularly and only goes to one when he gets sick or something is seriously wrong.  Maybe that wife of his has changed that but I seriously doubt it.  

I stuffed myself last night with Spaghetti & Meatballs.  I was full but kept eating just to polish off the dish, very bad thing to do.  I was miserable up until I fell asleep several hours later.  Talked with a friend on the phone and then worked on the letter.  That was pretty much my evening. 

Didn’t sleep the best and not exactly sure what position my foot was in but damn it hurts today, feels like I sprained something.  I felt fine before bed and haven’t had any events that would cause this.  Just noticed it when I woke up in the middle of the night.  Ah the joy of getting old and sleeping in odd positions.  Ye old body isn’t nearly as forgiving as it once was. 

Work today has been a nightmare.  It started shortly after I sat down this morning to begin work.  Things finally settled down around 11a when I was permitted to take a bathroom break.  Rudy bugged me for food and I took care of him.  I am about to head up to see about lunch and relax a bit, lord knows I could use it. 

Looking forward to the weekend.  No real plans but I know that I will manage to entertain myself and enjoy my time away from work.  Sleeping in sure does sound nice, especially after the day I have had today. 

Hope that all is well in your world.  Take care!

Costs Too Much

There is a set of what I call a duplex but it’s being advertised as a luxury villa that I watched be constructed.  It’s on my way to the post office and they have been done for about a month.  Yesterday I saw a sign out front that they were both available for rent.  I was pretty serious about moving there but wanted to know what I’d be getting into.  I didn’t make any phone calls instead I used the internet to gather my information.  Rent is more than doubling my monthly mortgage payment.  However, it’s a brand new place.  There would be no property taxes or lawn care to pay for nor any stupid homeowners association, but I also wouldn’t have any equity.  The owner is a property management company and they require that you sign a one year lease.  The place comes with a new fridge and dishwasher as well as heat & ac.  There is an attached garage so it’s much like my current setup.  However, it’s one level and there is no basement.  I really wish that the math would have worked out better and that it had a basement. 

Oddly enough the property management company that has those two units owns the house across the street from me.  It’s a mostly well maintained property.  I’m almost guessing that I could swing some deal with them where I would sell them my house.  However, I don’t know that I could get their monthly rent on the property I want lower and honestly I’m not even going down that road.  Long story short I’m better off staying put.  I’ve got years and lots of equity into my current home and the mortgage isn’t quite done yet but it’s not that far out of reach.  I think this is for sure a case of the devil you know is better than that devil you don’t. 

I saw full single family homes being rented for what they want for the duplex.  It’s priced sky high and that’s mostly due to property taxes, they are way out of control.  Chances are also good that after that year they would raise the rent. Besides that I’ve got lots of memories tied up here and I think it would be beyond difficult to walk away, after I fought so damn long and hard to keep this place. 

I’ve talked for years about moving but never saw any place to move to that caught my eye like this place did, especially the fact that it’s brand new and I’d be the first person to live there.  If it’s in the cards and suppose to happen it will.  For now I’m content staying put.  I still have my eyes open and I look periodically.  If I go through the trouble of moving I want there to be zero maintenance required on my part.  I don’t like the idea of someone having access and coming into my living area at anytime.  I am not looking to follow a bunch of rules or regulations.  If I want to put up security cameras, have cats or anything else I want the freedom to live like I want.  I know that realistically if someone was coming in and I was renting they would provide advance notice, which is required in most states. 

That rant is done. 

Normal business I finished up listening to Whoopi’s book.  It was very good.  She almost inspired me to reach out to my brother.  I kind of want to but I know in the long run I am better off just leaving that alone. 

Had Blueberry Pancakes for breakfast.  There was a bunch of guys talking behind me and one of them had a great voice.  You know once of those voices that you could listen to for hours.  I moved on to the grocery store and it started to sprinkle while I was walking in.  When I came out I saw that there was a shower.  You couldn’t hear a thing inside the grocery store so it was just light rain.  It’s just supposed to be overcast today.  However, the sun is out now. 

Had my normal nap when I got home and snuggled with both cats, watched the start of a YouTube video had to pause it because I was drowsy.  Something to come back to though for sure. 

Put out my pills, got the laundry started and taking care of updating my finances on the monies I’ve spent today. 

Looking into tracking of my new Hard Drive turns out Amazon shipped it via UPS on Friday.  UPS sends me an email when they have a package for me but thus far I’ve got nothing.  Amazon’s records show that UPS picked up the package on Friday but that is as far as the tracking goes.  I think that this for sure is a result of the Global Outage from Friday.  I expect that the package will surface by Tuesday.

I am planning a trip to Red Lobster for some fish for supper.  Since they no longer have my Crab Alfredo.  I will still look over the menu in the hopes that it has reappeared but I hold out no hope.  They have a decent Flounder dinner and an even better Stuffed Flounder dinner.  This is my last hurrah for the week as I will be all holed up here since I am going on-call tomorrow.  As per usual I do not look forward to it. 

Here’s hoping that my hard drive is delivered sooner rather than later, that it’s a calm week with little to no stress and that I can have a good time being holed up.  I also hope that it’s a great week ahead for you! Thanks for stopping by. 

Brothers

Saturday was a TV viewing day.  I saw a lot of different things.  The most incredible was Fallen Idols Nick & Aaron Carter, a documentary about the brothers.  The sexual abuse allegations against Nick by various women and Aaron coming to the defense of a couple of the women.  There is pending litigation between Nick and his accusers as of last month when the program aired.  To my knowledge he hasn’t been found guilty criminally but the civil suits are on-going.  The documentary is on MAX (aka HBO). 

Brothers are supposed to be there for each other and get along.  That’s kind of how things started for Nick & Aaron.  Then fame hit Nick and he is part of The Backstreet Boys.  Aaron’s mom thrusted him into the entertainment industry and he got a singing gig through all people Lou Perlman, who already had sexual abuse allegations against him.  However, Aaron’s mom apparently didn’t give any credit to that.  She just saw dollar signs from the way the documentary is worded.  It wasn’t long after that the feud started between the two brothers.  Sure brothers as do any siblings have arguments and disagreements, when the dust settles at the end of the day blood is thicker than water. 

However, things continued to escalate over time between the brothers, their parents divorce had an effect on both of them and I think that’s something that no kid wants to see or be in the middle of as there is psychological damage.  Drugs including but not limited to Alcohol as well as other substances came into the picture as an easy way to escape every day life.  The drugs wear off and your thrusted back into reality. 

Things just spiraled way out of control, eventually is was Nick vs Aaron and that would be a feud that would never really be settled between the two.  Aaron had an on-line troll/bully between that, social media & comments from haters, the drama it all pushed him over the edge. 

Aaron’s death was ruled an accident but based on the toxicology it’s easy to read more into it and see that it was more of a suicide than anything.  The poor kid had no escape and just wanted to be free and live in peace – he took the only escape he could and checked out.  That’s my opinion and not what the documentary says. 

I grew up listening to both The Backstreet Boys, Nick Carter and Aaron Carter.  They made some great hits that I still enjoy to this day.  I remember hearing when Aaron Carter was found dead and it broke my heart.  He just had a kid and now that kid has to grow up without his father.  The only memories he will have are through pictures and videos.

The whole situation is just plain sad.  The Carter family was pretty large and the brothers had I want to say 3 sisters and I believe at least 2 of them are dead as well, not related to the feud between the boys. 

I say all of that to say that I’ve seen relationships between Brothers actually work and function like they are supposed to.  However, my experience with my own brother is that of disfunction.  So I get how they couldn’t manage to get along.  Sometimes you just got to leave toxic people for your own sanity & well being. 

Rest in Peace Aaron Carter!

Two for Tuesday

Good Morning … Hope that today is off to a good start.  Thanks for dropping by! 

Back to march in the grind of the week parade, otherwise known as work.  Monday is history and actually wasn’t bad.  I did have to endure a call from the boss and he woke me up from a lunch time nap I was taking.  I wasn’t terribly happy about that.  He made a lot of assumptions on a process I preform and called me to make sure that he didn’t make an ass of himself.  Good thing he called because all of his assumptions were wrong.  Not sure why he didn’t just ask me from the start it would have been easier for both of us.  What am I saying, I’m applying logic and that doesn’t exist in the stupidvisor world.  Silly me. 

Speaking of work it’s about time to complete our “self evaluations” this is an assessment on how you think your preforming in your job.  This goes to your manager to remind them on the things that you have done in the past year to help them write their review and that is how your pay raise is calculated.  It’s a suck ass system that I think is piss poor.  Who in their right mind is going to say that they aren’t cutting the mustard, everyone is going to boast and say how great they are.  Not sure why they bother with the “self-evaluation”  but lots of companies do this.  I already know what is asked on the form it’s the same questions and process year after year.  I change things up a little bit but pretty much copy and paste from year to year.  They want you to set a goal and your boss to set two more goals for you, they have to be measurable but no one really holds your feet to the fire to complete them.  It’s just BS on paper that sound like a big deal.  The whole process plays out over the course of a couple months and you don’t get your pay raise until late June.  Here’s hoping that things fair well for me this year as last years raise was shitty and I stirred up a fuss about it. 

I had another good nights sleep.  I am starting to think turning the mattress is what made the difference.  However, it was cool over night.  I woke up once to use the bathroom.  I was woken up by one of the cats trying to get the door stop out from underneath the door, they were knocking the door against the wall.  I yelled and that put that to an end.  They get the door stop dislodged and then play with it like it’s some fancy toy.  They have even carried it to bed.  It’s not so fun when you step on that in the middle of the night.  Ah the challenges of living with cats.  The rewards pay off more than the challenges present so in the end it’s worth it.  Like on Sunday when I was at Breakfast and thought it would be fun to check to see what the little monsters were up to.  I didn’t see them snuggled in my bed so I looked at the camera in the living room.  Here comes Rudy over to smack the camera.  I moved it around and started talking to him.  Scared him half to death and he ran away from it but kept looking back at it, so confused.  It was funny, shame that I don’t pay for cloud storage or record the internal cameras because moments like that are ones I would love to preserve. 

Managed to tear myself away from Netflix long enough to watch some of my recorded favorite shows as well as a few new YouTube videos that were out.  It was nice but I was quick to dive back into my medical drama.  It’s really that great to me. 

Not sure what yesterday was going on internally with my body but I was just eating away like I was starved.  Most of it was craving sweets.  I’ve got a house full of bakery so that doesn’t help.  1/2 of the large pizza I brought home on Sunday is gone.  Wiped that all out over two meals lunch and supper.  It was really good.  Still have 1/2 to go.  Picked up some Jimmy Dean Breakfast Burritos at the store.  Sausage, Egg and Cheese.  I am thinking of trying one of them for lunch today.  Never had them before but thought I would switch things up a bit.  I do hope that they are good.  Probably won’t be like what I get from the local restaurant that makes a Breakfast Burrito.  Have you ever had Breakfast Pizza?  Sausage Gravy with Eggs on it and if you want to get fancy add some bacon to it?  Yeah it’s pretty good but it’s all about the gravy that is what makes or breaks the pizza in my opinion. 

Something spooky happened yesterday.  I was thinking of my brother yesterday and then hours later I was using my phone to surf social media and up pops a missed call from my brother.  He didn’t leave a message.  I was tempted to call him back but thought if he really wanted to reach me he would call back.  I just left it alone.  I think it was an accidental dial and he hung up before he thought the call went through.  The phone never rang which I thought was odd.  I am oddly interested in how he is doing but not enough to call and find out.  I’m always the one who goes the extra mile to get crapped on in the end and those days are long over.  Yeah it is a recipe for regret when one of us dies and I do sadly think I will out live him despite the fact that I am a year older than he is.  

Went vehicle shopping last night via the Internet.  My New Car Fever I don’t think will ever be fully under control.  I did some basic math and what I came up with looks more than affordable but I’m still driving what I have.  I like being free from car payments.  I do plan to trade either this year or next, at least that is the plan who knows if it will actually happen. 

It’s two meeting Tuesday (aka Two for Tuesday) one in the morning and another one in the afternoon.  Wish it was two dicks instead of two meetings but I suppose that is wishful thinking on my part. 

Talk with you all again soon, be well. 

Found it

Happy Friday!  Hope it’s a great day for you.  I am pleased to report that I found the photo’s I was looking for and didn’t create any left over clutter.  I managed to find an old photo of me and my brother.  The photo was back from when I was in a friends wedding.  The photo was one of the good times that we had together.  I kept thinking what in the world went wrong and why can’t we both be this happy with each other today?  For a brief moment I thought about sending him a copy with the tag line remember this?  However, that was a quick fleeting thought.  I have thoughts of rekindling our relationship but the cold truth is that it’s just not going to happen. 

Moving on things at work are a bit busy this morning.  Change is the name of the game.  People getting different tiles, leaving and starting.  That part of my job is never ending.  Sometimes people leaving hurts and other times it brings a smile to my face, especially for some if it’s not their choice.  I hate to see anyone loose their job but some people just don’t workout.  Sometimes you figure that out early and other times it takes years and years to learn.  Sure wish my bosses boss got the ax there would be a celebration at least I’d have one!

Speaking of changes I modified the documentation for the procedure that is changing and sent it to my lazy ass co-worker asking him to review it and provide feedback.  I’ve heard nothing yet but maybe he will respond today.  I am not holding my breath.  Many times I have to send an email over and over to get a response.  However, when he sends me something I act and respond quickly.  Perhaps I am going to have to provide him the same lack luster service he is providing me.  It’s not in me it’s like having an itch and knowing you have to scratch.  Doing a shitty job is just foreign to me.  Not to say I don’t make mistakes. 

The Amazon person dropped off all of my order.  I was disappointed with the toy I got for the cats.  I thought I was getting two of them and only got one.  It’s called an electronic yo-yo ball.  I charged it up and got it out last night.  It doesn’t do well on carpet (even low pile).  I moved it to the bathroom and got their attention.  They were both scared of it at first.  Rudy just was beside himself.  Mora however eventually started smacking it around.  That’s the way to quiet it down.  Then she stared at it and it came back to life.  She pounced on it.  After a few short minutes she lost interest and Rudy was still so confused.  I powered it off and put it up.  I am waiting until they express an interest in playing and I will power it up and give it another try.  Right now it’s kind of a disappointment to me. 

My Shark Stain Striker carpet cleaner works pretty well.  I’m happy with what I got but there is no room on board to store attachments that was disappointing.  The cats just watched me as I cleaned the carpet.  They were interested as to what I was doing and not the least bit afraid of the noise.  Getting this ready and using it will be much simpler than having to haul out the big unit which I haven’t used in at least two years.  It’s a hassle and it’s a one tank system with a plastic bladder for the soapy water.  I hate it but paid good money for it so I use it.  It got a lot of use when I had Momma’s family.  Someone was always getting sick or having an accident.  If they ever do get sick in my bathroom or the kitchen those are laminate floors and much quicker and easier to clean.  However, it’s a rare exception to have a cat get sick on either of those floors.

I am really enjoying my Brookstone Dark Chocolate Covered Blueberry’s.  I found these at Sam’s years ago and have been addicted ever since.  Sam’s in my area no longer carries them.  It’s a product of Canada and very tasty!

I got a call from the waste management company and turns out the bad weather we had put them a day behind.  They said they would try to make it here today but if they failed to show, fear not as they would be here on Saturday.  A lot of my neighbors banked on that message and didn’t set their trash out.  However, the majority of the neighborhood followed suit and put their trash out as normal.  That’s what I did I don’t like to take chances.  I think it would be hilarious if they would come by this afternoon and pick up those of us who took the time to set our cans out in the pouring rain.  It’s going to rain for the next couple days so were all going to get wet. 

I started this post early and it’s been one side track or another from work.  It’s very busy for a Friday.  I am doing reasonably well for a guy who was up from 2-4 am for no reason at all.  I ate some peaches, used the restroom and hung out with Mora in my room.  We watched TV.  Eventually I headed back to bed and she came to cuddle and hug me.  That is magic and works like a charm to get me back to sleep.  Problem is she only does it when she wants and not when I want or need it.  Feels like I am sleeping with a large stuffed animal.  She’s stuffed alright with all the food she ate that I bought.  Rudy was guarding the living room.  He came in a half hour early today and of all days that I needed/wanted to sleep he worked his magic to get me out of bed.  I think they both have me figured out and know how boss me around.  They get food, treats and cat nip on a schedule.  Treats & Cat Nip are the two items that Mora begs for.  Rudy only asks for Breakfast.  If he gets hungry later he will bug me for food but typically I am on a schedule and they both go with it. 

I am going to publish this and then get back to work.  Looking forward to things calming down so that I can relax a bit.  Hope your having a great Friday and that your weekend is well.  Talk with you peeps later!

Afternoon Rambles

I’m trying to pass time and thought of a couple things that I needed to do.  I was unfortunately a LastPass customer and I left them last month and switched to a different password manager.  Which is highly suggested since they haven’t really been forthcoming.  I’ve not had fun changing all of my passwords, but that is a recommended task after you migrate away.  I remembered that I put in a security code for a couple accounts as well as security questions & answers.  This afternoon I updated the security codes and security questions. 

Regardless of what the security question is it’s best practice to have a different answer.  As an example if you grew up on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive and the security question is What was street was your childhood home on?  Your answer should NOT be truthful but instead something random like 57 Chevy.  This is because it’s fairly easy for people to use social engineering to figure this out and because there are now tracks on the internet so it’s just easily attainable information.  The problem is it’s easy to remember the truth but it’s when you lie that you have a problem remembering, that’s where tracking stuff like this in a password manager/vault comes in handy.  The truth/lie thing is a tip I picked up from watching Judge Judy back in the day. 

In addition to doing this I remembered that back before Gator passed away I changed my emergency contact and beneficiary at work to my brother.  Given his reaction when I called to tell him about Gator and the fact that he no longer had my cell phone number, spoke volumes to me.  He really could careless about me.  It’s been that way my whole life but this cemented it.  This afternoon I changed everything back to my Thanksgiving friend.  If/when I meet someone or even make a closer friend I may revisit making changes.  I know my Thanksgiving friend won’t live forever so time is working against me there, because he’s up there in the age bracket.

Odd thing is that he, you and a couple other friends are the only people that know about Morea & Rudy.  I’ve not felt compelled to share that information with anyone else.  No one has asked me if I got more cats and I am sure that eventually it might come up, I’m not sure if I will share that or not kind of depends on the person and circumstances.  Not sharing information has it’s advantages. 

I was waiting for a specific time to roll around because I had a work task to take care of.  That time has passed and the task is done.  I am ready to head upstairs to be with the cats.  I know they will be eager to see me.  I’m finishing off the pizza tonight.  Last night was the first night where I had no extreme allergy symptoms.  Hopefully this pattern keeps up because that was no fun.  I’ll either have an Oreo Bar for desert or if I feel like it I will dive in for a piece of Carrot Cake.  I want the cake but I think of how much bread was in the pizza and for some reason that makes me want to change my mind.  I know it makes no sense because I’m not exactly eating healthy so it really matters not but for some reason that’s just how my brain works. 

Have a good evening and be well. 

Is change coming?

Hello and welcome back!

Things are okay at the moment. I’ve got a Meet & Greet setup for tomorrow with the prospective new cats. I went to see them this afternoon. One was sleeping and the other one was back in a corner just looking around. They are both pretty plump but if all they do is relax and sleep it wouldn’t be a whole lot different than having Gator around. I still have some reservations. Mostly if the timing is right or if I am moving a bit too fast for my own good. I know there will always be cats up for adoption. Have I really given myself enough time to grieve? I’ve kept pretty busy and had very little time to myself where I was all alone. Sure, working from home, I am alone but it’s not quite the same because my mind is focused on work.

Friday afternoon I got to looking at photos and videos of all of the family and I started looking for my goodbye letter to Momma. Turns out I never wrote one. I published a post on my blog and that was the extent of it. However, I embedded a YouTube Video of Charlie Puth and the song When I See You Again, which was written for Paul Walker. I played the video and just reached a point in the song where I cracked. I sobbed and let it all out. I know it’s healthy and I’ve got no shame about crying, it’s a natural emotion. Like any other emotion you can bottle it up but eventually it’s going to come out in one form or another. Might as well just let it go when it hits. It’s the healthy thing to do, kind of like when you need to sneeze or cough. I really honestly thought I was done with crying and that I was comfortable with the fact that she is gone but the truth is that it’s still raw and it’s closing a very long chapter in my life.

My life chapters have been long. They all have evoked every emotion possible and I’ve learned a thing or two a long the way.

Chapter 1 – Figuring out my sexuality & getting comfortable with it

Chapter 2 – Meeting my late spouse

Chapter 3 – The loss of Grandma

Chapter 4 – The loss of Grandpa

Chapter 5 – Moving out of my childhood home & in with my late spouse

Chapter 6 – Taking in Momma, watching her give birth

Chapter 7 – The loss of #1 Son our 1^st cat we had together

Chapter 8 – Taking in a stray & his friend

Chapter 9 – Losing my job, taking care of a sick cat, raiding my 401K and filing Bankruptcy

Chapter 10 – Getting Married then 3 months later losing my spouse

Chapter 11 – Starting to live on my own with 7 cats & a Bankruptcy that wasn’t mine. Losing a job and starting a new one

Chapter 12 – Slowly losing cats & the loss of my mom

Chapter 13 – The Pandemic how it changed me and my life, and Getting COVID and living through it

Chapter 14 – Losing Gator

That’s just off the cuff with little thought. There is plenty more to my entire story but those are kind of the high and low points mixed together. If you asked me a month or longer if I thought that my life would end after Gator passed, I would have told you yes. I did have intentions of ensuring that would come to pass. Why? Simply put I’ve got nothing to live for. The cats were my life and the reason why I got out of bed each day. They helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. Now that they are all gone my heart has a huge crater of a hole in it, it hurts and there just aren’t words that can express how deep that pain is.

Yet I’ve managed to keep on going, despite accidentally almost doing serious injury or worse to myself when I fell into that damn jet tub. I’ve spent lots of money like it’s growing on trees because I simply didn’t care. It’s time to settle up and it hurts. Today I see a bit clearer and yeah, the trip to the hotel and the laptop purchase were necessary at the time but today I could easily live without both. However, that’s not the way it works. You spend the money today on credit, you have to pay for it when the bill comes due and while that might seem like a million miles away it’s here quicker than you know it. I’ve said it a few times before money isn’t an issue, what I did didn’t put me in financial dire straits. It stings a little but it’s kind of like a papercut it hurts for a day or two and then it begins to feel better.

In case you have yet to figure it out, I’m using this post as a form of therapy, which largely is why I got into blogging in the first place. It was to provide a window into my life to the outside world. Strangers that I’ve never met and for the most part probably never will. However, I did get a good friend out of it through some drama that her, I and a bunch of other people fell into. That common thread caused us to bond. I started to type about the drama but that part of my life is over. When I lost my spouse, my friend had experience in that as well and that’s the first time we talked. She lived in Canada and sadly she passed during the pandemic from something other than COVID. It was a sudden thing that just got worse quickly. She was the first person’s funeral that I attended virtually. It was very strange and didn’t really offer much in the way of closure. I spoke with her family and even sent them something to comfort them. We (her and I) had another common thread that brought us together and that was the love of pie. I was supposed to go visit her eventually and we would meet at a pie place. Sadly, that never occurred. I felt bad about it but as Ferris Bueller said “Life moves fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it”. Well said and that’s a lesson and a reminder we can all use from time to time.

You and a couple of other people in the world are the only ones who truly know how much hurt, sorrow and loss that I have experienced and how it’s deeply affected me. Having PSTD from the loss of my spouse and then losing cats and my mom it makes me hypersensitive and combine that with my struggle with death and you’ve got one very hurt person.

One can only cry so much and hurt so much. I want it all to stop. I want life to deal me a better hand with more sunshine and rainbows. Throw in a boyfriend, some additional friends and either my job to get better or a new one – even better would be to win the lottery and be able to quit. I’m ready for a New Attitude and a New Life a much better one. I’ve tried slightly before to turn things around and while I didn’t fully accomplish my goal there was a light sprinkle of happiness mixed in. Losing Momma was the start of when things went off a cliff. As I am positioned today the only other person(s) that can die are either people that I grew up with, My Thanksgiving Friends, Work Colleagues or My Brother. I’m not isolated from death but I’ve got a slightly better position than what I had when the cats were all with me. Any additional losses at this point will hurt but short of my Brother I don’t think that any would affect me as greatly as the loss of my spouse and my cats have. I kind of like that insulation and want to be alone but I know it’s not healthy long term, especially when I work from home so much.

In prison they use isolation as a form of punishment or reserve it for someone who has committed such a horrible crime or crimes. In that case you’ve got no distraction, your just stuck in a tiny cell and maybe get an hour a week for some recreation and/or a shower. With nothing but time on your hands and no distraction I can see how it can be so maddening and cause one to quite literally go insane. Yet here I am post pandemic alone and I’ve got my freedom, semi decent health and a couple friends. We don’t function as I think friends should where we get together frequently or do things together. Instead, it’s just someone to be with around the major holidays for comfort and if there is a crisis in my life such as with the loss of my spouse or a cat, they are there for me. However, it’s on a limited basis and there is only so much they can or will do.

Getting two chunky monkey cats would give me company and companionship, which I think would be healthy. It will affect my wallet more and draw me back to the vet that I really don’t want to go back to. It puts a couple of boat anchors or a yolk around my neck and I am encumbered. However, in return for the responsibility I get love, affection and companionship mixed in with a laugh or two here and there. Eventually that relationship will change and the cats will get older as will I. They will need more medical care as will I and I will be right back in the same damn position I was with each cat that I owned where I have to make a decision. That’s the part I want to avoid, that’s the part that causes all of the hurt & pain. Hence why I would kind of rather be alone, even if only a temporary thing and not a long-term thing. I wouldn’t have the responsibility and I wouldn’t have the possibility of something dying on me again.

You can pretty well take this to the bank, if I do it again regardless of how many years I get with them, when they pass then I am out forever. I won’t own another pet of any kind. Primarily because if things go like they are supposed to I will be in my late 60’s or mid 70’s and my health will probably be declining by then. I never really thought about that aspect of my life until I started looking over adoption applications and all of the information they wanted. One of the questions is for what reason would you entertain returning the pet and one of the responses is owner’s health has declined. Wow that’s me I’m going to eventually have serious health problems just like an elderly cat. Think of that, then think of being alone and well its not such a good combo. I can only hope that I will meet a boy, guy, man that will care for me like I cared for my late spouse for many years and through many health events.

I said all of that to fall back to my original opinion that if it’s meant to be it will happen. If for whatever reason this doesn’t work then I will take the warning and stop trying to jump back into cat city and take a break. It might be temporary or it might be forever, it’s kind of like just playing it by ear. However, I think that these two will fall in love with me and that I will wind up adopting them. While they aren’t the Tuxedo cats that I wanted and they aren’t as young as I wanted, they aren’t terribly old. I will know more after tomorrow’s visit and right now I am just in emotional soup. There is some doubt, stress, worry and wondering. Will any of it benefit me, of course not. But I stress out on anything major in my life and this is more than just two cats, it’s a huge financial commitment. Kind of like purchasing a car or a home and well that financial stuff is scary because you know not what lies ahead. While today I have no worry or concern, I am an At Will Employee and my job doesn’t come with a guarantee or contract as to employment. Cats or not, if I lose my job I am screwed and not in a good way. Again, I’ve got no worries or immediate concerns. Not that I am trying to will any bad vibes here but there is that damn black cloud that follows me like my shadow and it puts out some Monsoons from time to time.

On a different note, last night (Friday) I got a whim to try to reinstall Windows on my computer. I started at 8p and it was 2a before I was even close to going to bed. I fixed the search function in Windows and a couple of other issues that were looming. I had to fight to get some customizations reapplied but things seem really stable and good right now. Hopefully, they stay that way. It was just a reinstall of windows on top of what was here, it kept all of my programs and data. I was doubtful if it would work but alas it did, just took its sweet time and with the customization fight that is what took up the larger part of my evening. Nothing like me trying to solve a computer problem, I’m like a dog with a bone and don’t know the word quit. If my little furry alarm clock would have been here, she would have been screaming her head off at me. I’m really surprised that I actually made it to my therapy session. Which by the way went better than the last 2. I am kind of on the fence if I want to keep going now or just stop. I haven’t scheduled anything but I’ve got the ability to. I am entitled to 3 more sessions and I have to schedule the next one within 3 weeks of today or the relationship automatically terminates.

I got some good food for supper, have a little bit left over that will go good for lunch tomorrow. I should pass out rather quickly tonight because I have not had a nap all day long. It’s been pure sugar and caffeine that powered me along with a minor dose of adrenaline.

Going to make a quick call, maybe surf for some porn and then upstairs and relaxing followed by eventually bedtime. I plan to be an early riser tomorrow, get breakfast out and hit up the grocery store. Then try to kill time until I need to leave for the Meet & Greet.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not only reading all of my blather and rambling but just being there with me on this journey that we call life. You are appreciated! Take care and I’ll be back with an update on how things go.

Not again

Last night I was made aware of the passing of one of my former childhood neighbors.  He was old not that it makes it easier and it sounds like from the way the obituary reads he was in declining health.  The man had a large family and well there is strength in numbers.  I desperately would love to go to the funeral but it’s a quick deal happening early next week.  Visitation and Funeral both happen on the same day.  This guys wife was the Nosie Rosie of our neighborhood and she knew everything about everyone.  In fact she wanted my phone number when my mom passed and a former neighbor had it but refused to give it out because she didn’t want to put me through an interrogation after just loosing my mom.  The lady has balls she will ask any question in the world regardless if it’s appropriate or not. 

To answer the big question she figured out I was gay and I never had to say a word about it.  We all grew up Roman Catholic and well homosexuality isn’t accepted.  Therefore, I wasn’t in the best light.  I was also the kid that was never going to amount to anything and well boy did I prove everyone wrong there. 

All in all they were good neighbors and they took care of my family.  It kind of feels like one of my own family members passed.  I feel so bad it’s like I can’t seem to escape death, it’s all around me.  I wish that it would leave me alone for a while, I’m kind of over it. 

The family didn’t want flowers but I sent something anyway, that will catch them all off guard but I know in the end they will appreciate it.  It’s not nearly enough because they took really good care of us when I lost my Mom, Grandmother and Grandfather.  I did what I could though and it’s the best I can do and really that’s all anyone could ask.  I am going to avoid the funeral service simply because I know that I would fall apart and I also don’t want to subject myself to an interrogation.  It would be nice to catch up with all of them but honestly I think somethings are better off left unsaid.  I expressed my sorrow and condolences, that’s really the only message I want to send.  I don’t want to get off in the weeds with my life or my sexuality. 

My initial thought was to tell my brother when I found out but I quickly talked myself out of that.  He would probably say something like oh well or thanks for letting me know and that would be the end of it.  He’s more self centered and focused on him and little family than anyone or anything else.  I hate that but not much I can do about it.  So, I didn’t say a word to him if he knows, he knows and if he doesn’t well then too bad. 

I just got word on the cats I inquired about, they were adopted last week.  I really wish they would update their website.  I filled out an application for the two that my friend sent me a photo of.  They were on my radar but I haven’t actually seen them in person.  I will probably be making a trip this weekend to check on them.  Again if it’s meant to be it will happen.  I had another friend send me a link to kittens that are for sale in the area.  That would probably be a better route to go because there wouldn’t be any rigmarole (that word sounds like an Italian Pasta Dish) with background checks, home visits and all of that jazz.  However, kittens aren’t fixed, chipped and vaccinated so there would be a greater responsibility.  If I get shot down on these next 2 then I will probably give up for now.  Part of me hopes I get approved but the bigger part of me kind of hopes that I can enjoy some additional alone time.  I do feel as if I am moving too fast but it’s like I am not in control of myself when it comes to this.  Hopefully, what ever the best outcome is here it happens. 

I had another night where I woke up at 4a and didn’t go back to sleep until a bit after 5a.  Of course when it was time to get up at 7a I was so not in the mood but despite sleeping in a little bit.  I still managed to have my morning routine done and was in front of the computer and logged on by 7:30a like I do every morning.  I got a couple of routine tasks out of the way.  Then shifted to ordering flowers and posting condolences.  I got lost in looking at all of the photos the family included on-line with the obituary.  You can just see via the photos how loved he was and what a rich & full life he lead.

I got back to work for a bit.  There is more waiting for me it’s like an unending buffet, but only instead of food it’s work.  I guess that is a good thing.  I need to get the word out about my schedule for next week.  That will cause some stress for others but honestly I do not care.  Work at the moment is the last thing on my mind.  I’d kind of like a sabbatical and do some serious travel but that would eat into my savings.  I am sure I could easily persuade my doctor to legally get me out of work but the bigger part of me says stick with it and keep plugging along.  I am just tired of the bullshit and regardless if I take a break or not, the bullshit will be there as long as the players stay the same, in fact even if the players change there would still be bullshit but it would be a new kind.  It’s a case of better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t. 

Guess I will get back to the so called fun.  I am looking forward to hopefully sleeping in tomorrow.  There are only a couple things on the agenda.  Going to see the crazy therapist lady, getting the mail and grabbing a bite to eat.  Then I think I am going to just loaf.  I’d like to get some cleaning done.  However, I am concerned when I have nothing to do that is when the grief will sneak up on me and hit me again.  It’s just something I have to go through and deal with regardless if I like it or not.  Last night didn’t start off easy, taking out the trash brought back memories and then I started looking into the photo and video archive I have of all of the kids, we sure did have some fun and made a lot of good memories but that’s all I have left now and you can’t cuddle with a memory. 

Hope you all have a great weekend!  Take care. 

Very Expensive & Emotional Week

I’ve spent the bulk of the week hanging out at a local business in town and chatting with the owners and their staff. It helped keep me busy and away from home. I talked a bit about Gator. I know that I was a HUGE pain in their ass but I didn’t prevent or hinder their ability to conduct business and there were frequent interruptions. Work always has a way to come calling, regardless of what you do.

It was refreshing for me not to have to think about work and no one has reached out. My initial plan was to take M-W but I figured what the hell, 18 years is a long time and this is quite a profound loss in my life. Might as well take 2 additional days. So, I was out all week plus last Thursday & Friday which were scheduled in advance for me to see the doctor and have a bit of an extended weekend. I’ve still got a week and a couple days left and once the new year starts, I will begin to accrue more time.

When it comes to alcohol, I normally maybe drink 1 or 2 Pina Colada’s per year. This week I have had 2. I would like many more! I’ve spent money eating out for breakfast and dinner. One day I had lunch out but mostly I have skipped lunch all week long. My body would normally rebel and my sugar would seriously drop so I would have to eat something but not this week. I’ve deprived myself from going to the bathroom and just holding it. I really don’t care about anything.

My sexual desire has been greatly diminished for weeks now. I got the desire on back on Wednesday (I think). I watched some porn. Not to brag or gross you out but damn I shot the biggest load of my life. It was like a rocket and I’ve never in my life seen a load like that exit my body. Yeah, it felt good. I figure that things are starting to normalize. I do get pretty horny still, but I right now I don’t always act on those feelings.

I booked a trip for Thursday at a local hotel about an hour away. I had a suite with a jet tub (Jacuzzi but it wasn’t official branding). Prior to leaving town for the trip, I bought a laptop. What I wanted was out of stock and they could order it but that would take a couple extra days. I wanted a computer to take with me and didn’t want to lug along my work laptop. Primarily for security issues, if the damn thing got stolen or lost it wouldn’t be a good look for me. I do NOT like Windows 11 but that is what ships on all new machines. I played with it when I got to the hotel and got it setup. It looked neat but some of the things that I can do in Windows 10 I couldn’t do in Windows 11.

When I woke up, I was horny and normally I don’t wake up with sex on the brain since I have gotten older. It was quite common when I was younger. I used that laptop to remote in to my home computer and I watched some porn from bed and had some fun. Great way to start the day. Again it gave me a sense that things were normalizing.

I haven’t had a massage in a year and figured that the jet tub would help me. Yeah, I actually fell into the tub and landed on my shoulder. It’s sore beyond belief but otherwise I am fine other than being a bit shaken and pissed off. The room in general was okay. The trip overall was nice but I didn’t quite get the escape I had hoped I was going to. It was overpriced but on-sale. I got the room for $249 but normally it’s like $500. I could have stayed 2 nights but after they add on fees and taxes it would have worked out to be ½ of my mortgage payment and I figured might as well come home. I was super disappointed they didn’t have a restaurant on-site so there was no room service. I thought I would order that for the 1^st time in my life but no such luck. I walked to a local Italian place that was recommended, they were super snooty and way overpriced. I’ve been fucked multiple times this week and each time is not enjoyable and there has been no lube. Yes, I am speaking metaphorically but I kind of figured that life would throw me a break, given the circumstances. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

I’ve made arrangements through my EAP to see a therapist and my first session was yesterday. The therapist is a bit of a ditz, she doesn’t pay close enough attention and she asks questions that were already answered if she would just listen. Based on our initial meeting I like her somewhat. It sounds like she has some different approaches to dealing with grief than what I have been through before. She tells me that I will get to the angry stage, yeah, I think I’ve kind of already been there. My employer will pay for a few visits so this won’t be something long term because she doesn’t take my insurance. Honestly if I think I still need to talk to someone I can always find a therapist on my own it’s just making time to see them and re-telling my story which does tend to get old after a while.

My dumb brother checked up on me, much to my surprise he was the last person I expected to hear from and don’t know that he will continue to follow up. We had a super short text message exchange. My thanksgiving friends have yet to follow up since I met up for lunch on Monday and I had to push to make that lunch happen, I almost didn’t have a place to land which was frustrating. So far as I know were still on for Christmas.

I’ve got mail all piled up around here and plenty of stuff to take care of, none of which I want to deal with. Today is the first day that I have spent any length of time at home. It’s kind of odd and boy this place is sure super quiet without my noise maker. I keep expecting her to shout out.

It’s been quite the physically and emotionally draining week. My body doesn’t permit me to sleep in much I am usually up by 7 or at the latest 8. Normally in a hotel I sleep like a baby but not in the place I went to. It was noisy and I forgot about that aspect of staying in a hotel. I woke up multiple times.

My shoulder pain got worse so I went to the ER last night. I got to see a helicopter land. I feel really bad for the person and their family that they called it for. You don’t just call for a helicopter unless it’s something uber critical. That’s how my spouse was transferred to a better hospital when he had his 2^nd stroke. I figured I would be in this place for 4 hours. Nope it was only 2. I guess maybe I do have some good luck. Nothing is broken, torn or out of place. I’ve also got the early on set of Arthritis, but that isn’t an emergency. They kicked me out and told me to take OTC pain relivers. My bigger worry is how they will code this so that my insurance pays. I think I may have a fight on my hands. I should have told the hotel that I fell but since it was my fault I didn’t bother.

Tomorrow will be my first day back since all of this unfolded. I am going to try to use today to my benefit and get stuff filed, put away and perhaps take some time to relax. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that next weekend is Christmas. I am so not ready. I don’t look forward to playing catchup but at the same time keeping busy might actually help me. My entire life is routine based and if you screw with my routines it messes up my entire day. I’ve got my next therapy session scheduled for Friday so I will get to leave work a bit early (unless I happen to be on-call, which I hope I am not. I was supposed to be on-call last week but that obviously didn’t happen.). Then a 3-day weekend, which I will kind of look forward to. Problem is that I will need to remember to do my grocery shopping on Saturday morning because the stores around here all close in the evening and they won’t be back open until after Christmas.

You may or may not be surprised at this but I went looking at cats yesterday. I managed to run into the Manager of a local Animal Shelter. After hearing my story, she encouraged me to adopt and told me that right now it would only cost me $25 some company is sponsoring adoptions so all of the normal fees are paid for. Yeah, I see the incentive and I kind of would like to bring one of them home but first there are so many of them and being the kind soul, I’d love to take them all home. However, that can’t happen. Secondly, I am still recovering from a loss and know that right now it’s way too soon. I would view a new cat as a replacement instead of a new pet and I just don’t think it would work right now. That’s not fair to the cat or to me. I did have a couple of them standout to me. One of which was a mom who just raised her kittens and they were all adopted out. She is looking for a home and kind of reminds me of My Momma cat. However, she’s not a lap cat and she doesn’t like to be picked up. She will curl up at your feet or sit next to you on the couch and she loves to be petted but other than that it’s kind of hands off. I honestly can’t take burying anyone or anything else right now. It’s just too much to absorb. I may cave and get a cat or possibly two but not right now. I need time for me and to see where I am at when I get through this grief period.

I’ve been with Gator from the moment she was born 18 years and 5 months ago until the day she died. I’d rather go back in time and start to meet her all over again but I know that’s not reality. I can’t just wipe out her memory and get over her passing with the stroke of a pen or a couple days. This is a pretty profound loss, one that I knew eventually would come and it marks the end of an era. She was my last living tie back to the life that I once had, her family and even my spouse. I’m at peace with the decision I made to let her go because it wouldn’t have been fair to her to keep her going just for my benefit. Things would have continued to worsen and I honestly don’t think her appetite would have ever returned so it would have been prolonging the inevitable. I do miss her and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I know that what is so fresh now with time will eventually fade into the background and be minimized. I do believe that I am pretty well done crying over the loss. That got old but I have to let it out, I can’t just hold it all in otherwise that would turn me into a ticking time bomb.

I do plan to eat my feelings this week, I bought all sorts of crap that I know I shouldn’t eat but damn I kind of feel like I earned it. The toughest decision tonight will be what is for dinner. I think I might have an answer but have to double check the fridge. It was nice to eat out all last week but damn that gets expensive really fast. The vet bill is paid for. I just have to pay off my laptop and the trip. The rest of the expenses like food and gas aren’t horrible and I should be able to take care of them without having to tap my savings but it’s still there is if I need it.

Here's hoping it’s a better week for me and a great week for you! Thanks again for your readership, thoughts and comments. It means more to me than you know. Take care!

Quick update

I had optimism last night based on what I heard.  This morning I no longer am optimistic.  I am still giving her a fighting chance but odds are that I will be saying goodbye tonight.  What about one more day?  Yeah no matter what the situation I would like more time and will never be ready but honestly if she doesn’t start eating by tonight then for her sake and mine both it’s time to bring an end to this. 

I always knew that there would be a day that would come where I would have to say goodbye to her.  At least thus far she hasn’t died abruptly and I will be afforded the chance to say goodbye, which is something to be thankful for. 

Through a misunderstanding I got to visit with her, when I honestly really didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to upset her or myself but I managed to at least upset myself, I’m not sure that I did any harm to her.  When I first saw her she didn’t seem like she knew who I was and didn’t seem like my cat anymore, which is quite bothersome.  Eventually she warmed up to me and turned on her purr motor, she wants out of that place and wants to return home.  I’ve already had a conversation about that and even if I want to bring her home I won’t be permitted to, unless we do end of life at home.  While that could be comforting to her it would wreck me even more.  If were going down that path I would rather do it in the vets office, at least I can be with her. 

I’ve asked they leave her IV in place so that the medicine can be given that way instead of having to wait for the first drug to kick in and watching her turn into Frankenstein.  So the whole thing when I am ready will be super quick and she won’t suffer it will be peaceful and humane. 

It more likely here that she has lung cancer based on her x-ray.  I got to see it and the way the picture was painted there were 3 nodules we were looking at which is not the case.  She looks like she swallowed a bag of marbles and there are nodules everywhere.  Given her age it’s more likely that it’s cancer and not a non-cancerous granuloma.  I wish that I could get a straight answer from the start instead of having to find things out after the fact.  I value honesty and candor – mix in a little buffering but tell it to me how it is and don’t candy coat it to water down the news or the seriousness.  The only good thing about this situation is that after she does pass I will be forever done with this vet, short of having to go back to pick up her cremains. 

I made matters worse here having few people to turn to I called my brother.  What a mistake that was.  First he didn’t know who I was because I was crying, once he figured out who I was he told me that he no longer had my phone number.  Wow that told me how much he would care.  He just told me how awful the situation was and that it was time to let her go.  He offered to let me come by his place but I declined.  I would rather be alone or go to a restaurant and be surrounded by strangers.  I’ve got no plans to call him again and am thinking of just blocking him all together but I’d like to leave the door open in case someday he manages to come to his senses once he breaks free from the cult he is in, as if that day will ever come. 

Right now I am going to make a quick call to check to see if anything has changed and then I plan to watch TV and try if possible to relax a bit.  I am for sure off on Monday and Tuesday.  I plan to go back on Wednesday if I have regained my composure.  2 days hopefully will be more than enough time to process this. 

Life is sure going to be different without my little furry girl.  I will have to learn to truly adjust to being all alone.  I’d love nothing more than to end my suffering by exiting life but I don’t know that I have the strength to try anything drastic like that and if I did it would probably go wrong and I would be left with some form of a defect.  This really sucks and is unfair.  I know that her age of 18 shows how well she was cared for but I honestly wanted her to live to be at least 1 year older.  The only comfort I will have is that I won’t have to worry about her and that hopefully she will be reunited with her family. 

God help me and my little girl. 

Old Man Winter

Old Man Winter is here at least for the time being.  Fog, Snow, Rain and some ice in spots.  So glad that I am in the comfort of my home this morning.  However, I took one look outside and knew that I could have easily made it in to work, things didn’t look nearly as bad as they were predicted.  However, I did hear of a few accidents on the morning news, with one of them being fatal.  I’m listening to the scanner and it seems like routine calls this morning nothing extraordinary.  Normally in severe weather events a lot of policy agencies hold officers over so they have to work overtime and it’s usually due to a higher than normal volume of calls, mostly traffic crashes.  That isn’t the case here this morning.  The snow has about an hour left in the area and then it’s history.  It’s cold for the rest of this week.  Kind of makes it feel a little more like the holidays and it does bring me some comfort. 

I slept lousy last night.  With all of the issues of late I did some praying and kind of reached my breaking point where it just all had to come out.  My two major concerns at the moment are Gator and this dating issue.  Gator seems to be doing okay at the moment but I keep thinking about the day when she isn’t here with me.  It’s something I find myself worrying more and more about the older she gets.  As for me I still very much miss my family and really want someone else in my life, I can’t help but think that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I mean maybe not but right now it just hurts with what I will call a recent minor setback.  I am eager to get clarification on this over the weekend.  I don’t know if I can take rejection but I do value honesty and really don’t want this to turn into a game. 

Work is going to get busy this morning in a bit.  It’s mostly meetings this afternoon and right now I don’t see how I am going to fit in lunch but I will have to stop at some point if only for 10 minutes to wolf something down because my sugar will drop and at that point it becomes more of an emergency and I like to avoid that mostly because I feel horrible for a very long time.  I was shocked on Saturday morning I woke up and checked my sugar before I ate and I was at 77, that is super low for me.  I felt perfectly fine.  The multiple meds I am on for blood sugar control really works wonders and it’s what has brought my sugar down and kept me in compliance.  It’s for sure not my diet because I eat pretty much what I want to. 

Scrolling through my YouTube feed last night I saw a video tour of the Late Aaron Carter’s home that is for sale.  Damn it’s really super nice inside and there is plenty of room for a family to live in comfort.  Sadly I learned in the last few days that he died without a will, which means the state of CA decides who gets what.  His son is #1 in line as next of kin since he wasn’t married.  I can’t believe that someone along the way didn’t bother to tell him to prepare a Last Will & Testament.  Regardless if your rich or poor everyone needs to have a Will.  I don’t have anything and even I have a Will.  At present it leaves everything to my brother since my spouse passed.  I’m not 100% happy with that but there really isn’t anyone else to leave anything to.  I still have a tough time processing the fact that such a young person who seemingly had it all passed at such a young age.  Regardless of the cause, which is still pending to be released.

Checking my email this morning tomorrow is going to be delivery central day here.  All of the shipping carriers minus USPS will be here at some point.  FedEx, UPS and the Amazon Person.  I got a small order placed for Gator with Chewy and it’s got some Chicken in it that she really likes.  I try to keep her and her palate as happy as I can, right now I seem to be keeping up but she can be really picky and turn her nose up at can after can of food. 

Here’s hoping that today is productive and fast moving so that I can get to relaxation time where I can watch some good TV and be with my furry girl.  Hope all is well in your world and that you are safe and warm.  Take care. 

Come on Saturday

I am eager for the weekend so that I can sleep in.  Kind of a shame that today isn’t Friday.  Nothing like turning the phone off, sleeping and doing what I want without having to worry about anything but me and Gator.  We get an extra hour on Sunday and that will throw both Gator and I off but I am sure we will manage to adjust.  It will take a few days but then our internal clocks will sync up.  I really wish this whole time change thing would go away, even if I do get an extra hour of sleep this weekend.  It’s not fun trying to adjust and it would be far simpler to have one standard time year round.  Perhaps eventually we will get there but I am wondering if it will happen during my lifetime. 

Yesterday was a boiling red mad day.  I was ready to quit yet again.  It seemed to me that one of my colleagues was shirking his duties and I had to pick up the slack while he tended to a very ill timed lunch break.  The work was starting to pile up and once I cleared the emergent issue I too went to lunch.  I didn’t take my full hour, which tends to happen more often than not when I work at home.  I got something to eat and calmed myself down, then returned back for yet more fun in the afternoon. 

Just like if I sneak off to take a nap, I called it an early day because I had committed to doing some after-hours work.  I got comfy in my recliner, Gator was just situated and starting to fall asleep and then the phone blew up.  I had to run and grab my laptop, which confused Gator and didn’t exactly make her happy.  I returned in short order and we got comfy again.  I took care of work stuff and she worked on getting back to sleep.  Eventually she left me because she wanted to be in the living room.  She bedded down for another nap.  I just waited my time out and then came down and did my work and went back up for the evening. 

I had to go to the bathroom but Gator also needed food.  I took care of Gator first and then took care of myself and finally got something in the microwave for dinner.  It was a late supper for both of us.  Watched some TV for about an hour and then it was time to get ready for bed. 

It appears that I have managed to revive one of my Clarasonic Pro’s which surprised me.  I have been working for almost a week on one unit that appeared to take a slow charge over days, it would complete and then nothing.  The other unit I put on the charger and nothing seemed to happen.  I opted to let it cook a bit and when I picked it up I was able to turn it on, toggle speeds and it ran just like normal.  I found a brush and plan to resume using it.  I will probably charge it between uses as the battery has to be on its last legs and my fear is that if it gets to depleted in charging it won’t bounce back.  I could take the other unit apart to see if it’s possible to get a replacement battery but my best guess right now tells me not only is that not a good idea but that the battery probably isn’t replaceable otherwise they would have marketed a replacement.  I could always try to take it to Batteries Plus but they charge a lot and I don’t know that it’s really worth the effort.  I am thinking of returning my Tao but probably won’t.  It’s serves as a nightlight in my bathroom in addition to having a cleaning brush. 

I’ve got about an hour left of peace and quiet then the fun begins at work with meetings for the day.  A break for lunch and then more work and a meeting to cap off the day that I don’t expect to go the full hour it’s scheduled for but people do get chatty in this particular meeting and we often go the full length or even a bit over.  Then I should be done for the day.  As it stands tomorrow there is 1 meeting in the morning but all in all it looks to be a quiet Friday but you never know what will manage to find it’s way into the door. 

This weekend is my brothers turn to age and he will be 50 years old.  He didn’t acknowledge my birthday and but for the fact when mom was alive she made him buy a card and send it from both of them.  Since she has passed those birthday cards have stopped.  I have tried in years past to send him a card in the hopes that he would send me one when my birthday rolled around but no luck there.  He’s focused on his little family and himself.  I’m sure his wife will probably throw some sort of party for him but if that is the case I will learn about it after the fact perhaps via social media or perhaps not at all.  I kind of wish that we were closer considering that I am all alone but we are two very different people and don’t tend to get along for very long.  It’s like mixing vinegar with baking soda or Mentos and Coke.  You get the idea.  How we made it this far in life without one seriously injuring or killing the other is beyond me.   In any case it’s his turn to grow older and hopefully it doesn’t feel that bad for him.  He’s been harder on his body than I have been on mine but out of the two of us he is the thin one.  He’s much more active than I and enjoys manual labor where as I enjoy a nice chair. 

Speaking of birthdays one of the twinks that I follow on social media updated their profile to say they are another year closer to gay death as they approach the rapid old age of 27.  Yeah contrary to popular belief you don’t die at 30 even if your gay.  Your youth is gone but your still very much alive and your body doesn’t feel that radically different until you get closer to age 40.  That’s also usually when vision issues start.  I always had 20/20 vision and then I turned 40 and hello glasses. 

Well Happy Thursday.  Three weeks from today and it will be Thanksgiving.  That time will be here sooner rather than later.  Which is why I hope I am able to get reservations made tomorrow, provided I remember to call.  Fingers crossed!

More Found Money

I heard back from the State about the found money claim. Turns out that they have even more money for us. There was a second item that didn’t show up in my initial search and it’s worth a whopping seventy-eight cents. This of course caused them to ask for more information. They wanted to know if I wanted to just claim my portion or if I wanted to take it all and then make distribution to my brother. He wouldn’t go after any of this if it was totally up to him. Given that I just told them send me all the money. He told me once that I could keep it all anyway but that was verbal. I sent him an email to let him know and that I had to complete some additional paperwork and send it back, so were back to playing the waiting game again. This will probably take another month or two before the money is actually sent. I told him that I would send him his portion and told him what that worked out to be. If he replies in writing that I can just keep it all well then that is what I will do. I don’t have a lot of trust there mostly because of his wife and fear that if I didn’t have anything in writing that it probably would come back to bite me. Still rather than relying on an email I should probably get him to sign a release but honestly it is such a small amount of money, if it ever was an issue (presuming that he says to keep it) and he changed his mind I could easily cough it up without a problem. It sure was nice of the State to tell me about the additional money, even though it is really not worth writing a check over.

When I was at the grocery store on Sunday, I stopped to look for Sharpie pens. I had seen a commercial that they came out with a better version of them. The initial version was more like a felt tip pen and this is an actual gel pen. As luck would have it they had a 2 pack. I had to search for Blue Ink and it just so happens they had it in medium point. My favorite things. They were priced at $3.98 for the pack. Opening up the package and taking out a pen, I saw a wax ball on the bottom. This damn thing was super stubborn to remove but it finally came off. I started writing with it for testing and it turned out to be okay. It’s no Pilot G2 but it’s not bad. For an OTC quick pick pen Pilot G2’s is my favorite. Although my personal taste is to write with more expensive pens like Waterman, Mont Blanc, Pelican, etc. Pilot & Sharpie both aren’t bad and both are refillable so you don’t constantly have to buy a new pen, but most people throw them away when they run out of ink. Gel pens are all the rage now mostly because they offer such a smooth writing experience. They don’t always complete forms properly if you have to write once to make one or more copies at the same time but then again that is so rare today. Back when I was growing up it was more common and we also had carbon paper younger people don’t know what that is. Just thought if you were into writing instruments that you would appreciate the quick review.

Gator is a little dehydrated and her limp is more noticeable but she isn’t letting it stop her from moving. She just chugs along and there isn’t a whimper or any noise. She takes breaks to rest but she will eventually make it to her destination. The farthest places she has to walk is to the water fountain and to my bedroom. I tried to massage her a little last night but she didn’t want that. She was content just laying between my legs while I sat in the chair. It didn’t last terribly long as she started meowing and I figured that meant it was time for food. She ate some and then jumped back in her bed. I went to my bed and turned the lights off, ready to settle in. She kept making noise and eventually she left. I walked with her to the fountain and while she was drinking, I set her food out for her. I told her I was going to bed and I closed the door. I slept really good despite having some strange dreams. I woke up an hour ahead of schedule and went back to sleep only to wake up 15 minutes before it was time to get out of bed, so I just got up. Gator was grateful for that because she was hungry. I let her eat while I got my own breakfast and she got a drink then retired to the couch. Once I was dressed, I sat next to her and handfed her a little bit more. She is suddenly big on thanking me with a kiss, she makes it look like she is trying to lick food off of my fingers but there is and was no food there. I am more than okay with it. I think she is truly appreciative for all that I’ve done at least that is my take on it.  Right now I am just a little worried about her, more so than normal.  So long as she bounces back after some fluids I will feel better.  I think I am always going to worry about her until she checks out. 

Work was so great yesterday; no meetings and I was pretty well left alone. Today is so not the case. I’ve been bothered multiple times and I’ve got an afternoon of meetings. A colleague of mine called to let me know that he is going out of town for a few days because a relative passed so that means a little more work for me.

Had a BBQ Burger and Mashed Potatoes for dinner last night. Cake and Ice Cream for dessert. I just can’t take going without sweets for so long. I’m being bad this week but will be back on track come next week or so I am telling myself. Not sure what I will consume for dinner tonight. I am looking forward to lunch which will be just a sandwich but I got some Salami and that always spices things up a little bit. I am finishing off some Brown Sugar Ham and the Salami pairs pretty well with it.

It's about snack time so I am going to check on Gator and take a little break while I can as things appear to be calm at the moment. I know that won’t last long. I am sure glad there is a 3-day weekend around the corner.

Happy Tuesday, talk with you all again soon!

Oh Brother

I like to poke around on my states treasurers website to see from time to time if they have any money for me, my family or my late spouse.  Yesterday was one of those days and I once again found something.  This was money from my mom’s mortgage, which I find kind of odd.  She defaulted so you would think they wouldn’t be giving refunds but I’m not questioning it. 

In order to claim the money, which is just a few dollars there is paperwork.  Legally to get it I need to involve my brother.  I called him yesterday and left a message.  I wasn’t sure if he would call me back but he did.  We talked for a very long time.  Hell, there is lots to catch up when you don’t talk to someone for years at a time. 

He is in favor of going for the money and will cooperate.  I told him that it should be spilt 50/50 but he said I could keep it.  I said I would rather this be done legally even though it’s a small amount of money.  I don’t want him to someday think about it, claim something fraudulent or illegal took place and then I’d be in a pickle.  If were doing this then it’s all by the book, above board and legal or there is no sense is wasting time. 

I thought I had my ducks in a row before I called him and I pretty well did.  However, I had to reach out this morning to ask him for a copy of his birth certificate.  Apparently it’s not good enough that you have the same last name, you have to prove that your related to the deceased and a birth certificate is the only thing that can prove that.  Funny thing is that for years the version I had of mine had no parents listed.  I had to get a copy years ago and when I did I was asked who my parents were, I listed my Mom and it’s a good thing because now I have a copy that says she was my mom.  I know if I sent in a copy that had no parents listed the state would be like, your not related.  The reason why no parents were listed on the original is because I was supposed to be given up for adoption it was all in place but things changed at the last minute when my grandmother (mom’s mother) stepped in. 

It was nice to chat with my brother.  His wife got COVID around the same time I did.  He has been exposed by her and others at work.  Ironically he tests negative.  One test he said he waited in a line for 7 hours and then they lost the results.  While he didn’t have any signs/symptoms I think he probably had it.  I mean to be exposed by several people I would think it just had to get in his system.  He like me only has had 2 shots and he really didn’t want the first one.  He had no side or after affects other than a sore arm.  I guess with all of his smoking and drinking, germs just can’t take hold in his body.  He told me for 2 years he was working 50 hour work weeks and that’s some good over time when your an hourly worker.  That all just came to an end and he really misses the money.  He doesn’t really have a life other than work, eat and sleep.  In whatever free time he gets his wife gobbles that up.  He told me that he’s got no friends.  That’s because she made him get rid of them, but I didn’t get into that.  He’s free to live his life, he’s an adult and knows how to make choices.  I told him about being down to one cat.  When I had to tell him that I lost Marv & Momma I just couldn’t hold it together.  I told him how Gator is the last one and how old she will be next month.  He was shocked.  He’s got 2 dogs and they just adopted a cat that is about a year old.  The cat is learning to go outside.  I told him it’s far better if he keeps it indoors because it will live longer.  His wife is the one who is in favor of indoor/outdoor animals.  She’s a dumbass and I really don’t care for her.  I’ve seen and heard how she has treated him and she has him manipulated into thinking that it is impossible for him to exist without her.  Lord help him if she dies first. 

I’ve spent most of the morning gathering paperwork, filling out forms and on Saturday morning I need to hit up the bank to get a document notarized.  Then once I get my brothers birth certificate I will put this in the mail and then we wait.  I told him it will probably be a few months before they get to it.  I didn’t tell him this but I think that they will probably issue 1 check for the full amount with both of our names on it.  I would rather they issue separate checks it will be better for both of us.  If we both have to get together he won’t go anywhere but to work and the bathroom without his wife.  Kind of makes me wonder how he makes it from day to day but whatever. 

I am exhausted, I didn’t do any more foam rolling and need to.  I got a shower last night and went to bed.  Today’s trash day and of course it’s raining most of the day.  I just want to be able to sneak out between the rain drops and not get wet.  It’s all hot and dry for the next several days after today.  I’ve seen way too much rain and am not a huge fan of it.  Especially with some plugged up gutters that I don’t think I will have the energy or ambition to clean, but then again everything is subject to change. 

2 more meetings and then my day is done.  I look forward to neither one of them but once they are in the past I will be a little happier because it will be much closer to quitting time.  Happy Thursday!  Hope your doing well and taking care of yourself.  One more day and then most of us are free for 3 days.  That’s true for me but I’ve got to keep my electronic leash (aka cell phone) by my side since I am on-call.  I really am envious of one of my co-workers who has an Android phone.  When work is done he flips a switch and work email is off until he turns it back on.  I wish I could do that on my Apple, maybe some day it will be a simple task.  I know how to turn mail off but it’s involved and just not worth it unless I am taking time off.

Cheers for now! 

Fifty Years ago on this day

September 2, 1971 a day that I will never forget. It was the day I was born and that was fifty years ago today. I was supposed to be adopted. A wealthy couple was in line to get me but my mother’s mom saw me and because I had red hair that changed everything! In the blink of an eye, I went from being brought up by a wealthy family to a middle-class family with average income. My mom’s father was so excited that I was being born that he backed into a telephone pole at the hospital when parking his car. That’s a story that I was reminded about over the years growing up. I’m glad that I was raised by family and got to meet other relatives over the years. I do wish that I wasn’t physically & mentally abused and I also wish that my father had the guts to stick around and marry my mom, so that I could have had a more normal childhood. My grandmother was my savior and she ensured that I had most of the things I wanted and was comfortable. While my grandparents would be older than dirt today I kind of wish they were around to see how I turned out, I know that they would be proud. They may not have been comfortable with my sexuality but absent that I don’t think they would have any complaints. They both did a great job raising me and my brother. I know they tried the same with their daughter (my mom) but she was a flower child and fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn’t their fault.

When I look back as to how the world was then compared to now it does seem that it was a much simpler time. There for sure was no internet or technology around, landlines & pay phones were your methods for voice communication. People focused more on their families versus today where everyone has to be on their cell phone while they eat and people don’t really have family dinner every night like they used to and there isn’t near the level of communication and closeness that existed “back in the day”. 

I think everyone sees a lot during their lifetime. Thus far I have been through countless deaths, been to probably two dozen weddings, ate at restaurants that are no longer in business today, worked a number of jobs, received exactly two speeding tickets and one verbal warning, been in seven accidents (two of which occurred when I was a child and wasn’t driving), spent a lot more money than I have managed to save and the list goes on. I have felt every emotion that one can possibly experience, made mistakes and learned from them as well as gained a lot of knowledge. I’ve made it out of some impossible situations and overcome obstacles that I never thought I would. In short, I’ve kind of amazed myself.

I always knew I was different from others from a very young age. First it was my hair color and I was teased about that for years. It wasn’t until I was in my teenage years that I started to love having red hair. Second was my ability to learn and the fact that I didn’t progress in grade school as all of the other kids did. I was labeled as “LD” or Learning Disabled. There were other kids exactly like me but it took some time before our paths would cross. Basically, I needed more individualized attention than any teacher afforded me. I was told that it was possible to grow out of it but when I started High School I was in a mix of regular and LD classes, that continued until I graduated High School. That caused me to despise education and is the reason why I never went on to college or any higher learning. I’ve pretty well snapped out of it by now. I found that if I am truly interested in something I can soak up knowledge like a sponge. That’s how I managed to get into Technology and gained all of my knowledge on my own by reading, watching TV and of course hands-on real-world experience. People refer to this as self-taught. While I am not a lucky person, in this area I managed to really clean up and put myself into an upward moving career that pays well. Third was my sexuality and that was the biggest obstacle to overcome as far as growing up is concerned. You have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. That didn’t click totally 100% for me until I was in my thirties. Coming out to people and provided it goes well does give you some confidence and builds towards that goal of loving yourself. However, if you have an experience that goes sideways or people reject you because of your sexuality that can and does do damage. That happened to me at a young age and again after the death of my spouse. It is true that you don’t know who your true friends really are until there is a crisis. When I was younger, I kept hearing people tell me that it gets better as you age with regards to being gay. There is truth to that and I think that society as a whole has evolved and made a lot of progress as for acceptance or for at the very least people not to care one way or the other regardless what your sexual orientation is.

Age is truly just a number but it a number that I think we all obsess with a bit too much and it is a reminder of your mortality. For all intense and purposes presuming that I live to be 100 half of my life is over, that is a bit scary to think about. Presuming that is the case my hope for the next 50 years is to laugh more, find love, make a lot of friends and to live in comfort. Sure, I’d say I want to be wealthy but unless I happen to win a lottery or some other type of prize like that or manage to marry into money chances are it won’t happen and that’s okay. Just as long as I have enough money in my name so that I can be comfortable, not necessarily wealthy but also not pinching pennies or wondering where or how to make my next dollar.

I was told when I was younger that I share a birthday [meaning the date September 2^nd] with a lot of famous people. I just did some internet research and indeed it’s true. The most notable to me are Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Connors, Mark Harmon, Terry Bradshaw and Christa McAuliffe. If your interested to find out additional people on this list, check out the link below  https://www.brainyquote.com/birthdays/september_2

I do wish that I had my family [my late spouse & the cats I have lost over the past seven years] here with me to help celebrate this birthday, that would mean so much to me. A birthday is much like a holiday to me where I hyper focus on the fact that I am alone and that of course inflames my depression.  I never thought I would be single, yet alone 50 and single. 

When I was much younger, I never thought I would see 30 or 40 and now I am looking at 50. My brother for some reason shared the same point of view about his 30’s and 40’s but I have no idea how he will feel when he turns 50. It would be nice to reconnect with him as well but only if it would mean that I wouldn’t get crapped on or hurt in some way. I don’t foresee that happening and today will likely pass without a word from him as has been the case for many of my birthdays in the past. It’s just as well and something that I have learned to live with.

While my birthday won’t be nearly as special as it could be I am at least glad and fortunate that I don’t have to spend it all alone. I am also very thankful that Ms. Gator is here and has made positive progress from where we were just a few short weeks ago. Having her here and doing so good is the greatest gift I could have. I think God did me a huge favor and only because I asked did it happen.

Here’s hoping that the best is yet to come! Thanks for coming along with me on my journey through life. Talk with you all again soon!