Is it normal?

Hello & Welcome in…

Taking a break today from my daily life, nothing spectacular to report. I’ve been wanting to write about this for a bit.

It’s no secret that I have a lot of favorite porn stars. It bothers me when I hear about one of them passing. However, when I do hear that one of them has passed away, I want to watch their work. This has been especially true for Blake Mitchell, Cole Claire, Kyle Ross, Kevin Williams and Scott Finn just to name a few. I also see that their content seems to rise in popularity and it begins to recirculate on the web.

While I know they are porn stars they become a small part of my life, especially when I follow them on social media and get to know the little bits they disclose about their personal lives. It also hurts me a little bit to hear when a favorite of mine has passed away. This is especially true when they are younger. The cause sometimes shakes me, like with Scott Finn who committed suicide. He seemed like such a genuinely happy person, he laughed and joked around all the time. Blake Mitchell was a huge surprise because he died in a motor vehicle accident, he was truly a victim.

Not sure if it’s normal to want to watch their work. Honestly if I had more going in my own life, I wouldn’t have time to form any type of a connection in my mind with a porn star. I know all too often people lose sight of the fact that they are people despite the fact they elected to do porn. There is a person there, good or bad, it’s still a human being.

Life goes on and I realize there will always be another porn star. However, there are some that were truly great at what they did. I know that I can’t be the only person that feels this way. Then again porn is my sex life now and I am closer to that industry than most people.

Sad News

 

I found out that Kevin Williams [real name Ted Currall] a gay porn star (pictured above) from the 80’s and 90’s passed away on Tuesday.  He was a hot blond in his day; he was a bottom. He is one of the first porn stars that I recall getting off to.  He worked with several big (and hung) stars in porn like Tom Chase, Chad Douglas, and Jeff Palmer.  He had several scenes with Falcon Studios which was the first gay studio porn that I quickly became a fan of.  Kevin also did work for other studios. There has not been a cause of death released but from what I have read one of his friends didn’t call 9-1-1 in time.  Some people just freeze up and are unable to think/act when an emergency like this occurs.  I get that it’s overwhelming but getting help quickly and doing CPR (provided they aren’t breathing and there is no pulse) is their only chance.  He was 60 years old, which is still very young!  I know it’s common to speculate that it was drugs since this was a former porn star, but it might be something that we never know.  He left behind an amazing body of work, no pun intended and I really hated hearing this.   

In other news, I had to go downstairs to start my day.  There was some catchup work that I needed to do and that required 2 screens.  Once I was done that is when I went to doing my personal browsing and found out about Kevin Williams.  Once I came up stairs I was permitted to rest and Mora snuggled up with me.  It was a good time that I really didn’t want to end.  However, work eventually called and I had to get back to it. 

Today is wide open other than a meeting with my boss that I had this afternoon.  It was our usual touch point that we have every month.  I hate these because I think they are a waste of time.  No way I am telling him my true feelings because it would radically change things for me and not for the better.  He asked me if there was anything going on at the office.  I told him not that I am aware of.  He told me that they are still working on my so-called promotion, which is what he has been saying for the longest time.  If that position opens it will be closer to the end of the year and won’t be effective until January 1^st at least that is my anticipation because I know how they do business.  He wanted me to have another training session with the team on the firewalls, I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted, so I scheduled it.  We established an agenda and it’s short and well within my ability to complete. 

When I watched the morning news, I was so happy that I was working from home because traffic was shutdown on the normal route I would take to get to the office.  There was a fatal accident.  There have been several fatal accidents on this route within the past few months.  People speed like they are driving in a Formula 1 race.  You’d think with the rising cost of gas people would slow down to conserve fuel but that’s not the case.  Hopefully, this doesn’t become a continuing growing trend.  The police presence used to be heavy to deter speeders, but they have eased up way too much and given folks a comfort feeling.  No matter where you’re driving at you must be hyper aware of your surroundings that includes what is around you.  Crashes happen in a split second, and they are all over way too quickly. 

My new neighbors are continuing to move in.  I think they have a small child because there was one that tripped my back door camera, he was taking pictures of my deck.  Not sure why he needed to take photos.  That was disturbing to me because apparently there was an adult watching or perhaps coaching him in the background.  Hopefully, this doesn’t become a regular thing.  I’m not big on folks trespassing but I have tolerated a lot.  These folks are new so giving them the benefit of the doubt.  The old neighbor came back to pick up one last item he had in the back yard.  I saw him and the new neighbor talking and he (the former neighbor) was pointing towards my house.  I think they were talking about the tree that is on the shared property line, but I have no idea.  It wouldn’t hurt my feelings if they chopped down the tree because eventually it will come to that.  The tree is dying a very slow death.  As long as it doesn’t fall on my property, I’m good.  I have been the primary person who has taken care of trimming it, but nothing has been done with it in a couple years.  I took the trash out this afternoon and saw that the For Sale sign was still in the front yard.  That’s kind of odd since the house was sold but there never was a sold sign that went up. 

I plan to finish off the Lasagna Soup tonight; there isn’t a whole lot left but I’ve survived on less.  I’m sure one of the cats will be on my heels thinking that I am eating their food again.  It’s kind of funny but more so aggravating.  I don’t want to have any accidents, which is why it upsets me. 

I’ve scoured Peacock.  They really don’t have anything that I am interested in.  I plan to cancel the subscription over the weekend.  I did see that they had a reboot of Queer As Folk but I watched the trailer and it wasn’t appealing to me.  I saw a couple hot guys, but I doubt that they went to the extent the US version did to show simulated realistic sex scenes.  That along with the overall cast and content is why I believe the US version was so popular.  I remember we (me and my late spouse) waited all week long to see what happened.  It was the one show/series that we both enjoyed.  It was such a good time, and I am thankful that I have that memory. 

Thankful that tomorrow is Friday.  The only thing on my calendar is a meeting in the afternoon with a vendor.  I am planning on working upstairs all day, unless the demand is different and I need 2 screens.  I have high hopes that I will be able to pull this off.  It’s my turn to be on-call next week and as per usual I am not looking forward to it.  Might as well bask in the relaxation while it lasts.   

Not sure what is up with Blogger, but I noticed a couple days ago that my other great blogs section is not updating to reflect current posts on other sites.  I looked at other blogs, and the experience seems to be the same for others.  Hopefully, that will be fixed soon. 

Finally, I’m sure you’re probably wondering about the hot college guy.  He’s not accepted my friend request.  I wish that I would have asked him out when I had the chance, but I still strongly feel that he would have declined because he’s straight.  I’d like to skip past all the dating, games and disappointment and just find my guy.  It is a shame that there really isn’t a way to do that.  It is just something that I must go through. 

Hope that all is well in your world.  Talk with you all again soon.

 

 

Last week before vacation time

Good evening,

I hope that you had an enjoyable and relaxing weekend.  Mine was okay but like all weekends it went by too quickly. 

Sunday I had to wake up early to get some testing done at work.  I found that my company laptop which is sitting in my office wasn’t responding.  It was working on Friday because I used it.  I dismissed it and said well I will go reboot it when I’m back from vacation.  That kept eating at me all day, so my plans for Sunday changed up a bit. 

I decided to head out to the office to take care of rebooting the computer.  On the way there I saw the largest police presence I had ever seen on the opposite side of the freeway.  A semi was blocking all lanes and on it’s side.  That side of the freeway was closed.  I found out later the driver died.  No one else was involved.  From the looks of things, he had to have had a medical emergency or something like that.  I’m interested but not sure if that will be made public. 

I arrived at the office to find a package on my desk.  It was spare parts to keep on hand for our doors.  Not an inexpensive box.  I got that stuff put away and rebooted my computer. 

Then headed to grab a bite to eat and stop for cat food.  I normally stop on Saturdays but my stomach was doing summer saults so I didn’t leave anything to chance and came home.  Things sorted themselves out by Sunday. 

This morning I woke up and felt sick.  It got super cool here over night and I left my fan on.  That is a sure fire way to get me sick.  I didn’t think I would make it but I pressed on and as I did I felt better.  That is until lunch time.  I decided that I would have a bowl of Chicken Noodle Soup.  Well if it comes out of a can here Rudy thinks it’s for him.  I put food out for him but he still begged me for soup. 

In fact Rudy has been bothering me all day long asking for food.  I gave in and gave him an extra can 2 hours after he had lunch.  I passed out supper and by the time I went to eat he was asking me for more food.  I passed out treats early.  I strongly think he is a Thyroid cat.  Gator used to bother me for extra food.  If it’s not that then he has just discovered how much of a push over I can be and he’s milking it.  This just started in the last couple days so I am waiting to see what happens. 

He got his flea medicine on Saturday.  His scratching has decreased a little bit but ever since then that is when his hunger started. 

My stomach is back to doing summer saults and I think it’s the result of mini Jelly Donuts that I got last weekend.  Normally they are all gone in a matter of days but I made them stick around.  They are in the fridge.  I had one last night as a test to see if it’s what caused my stomach issues and well I think I’ve got my answer.  I’m not eating any more of them.  They will go out with the trash come Thursday. 

Work, today has been a busy day.  We were invited to a meeting that is lasting all week long and has nothing to do with our team.  It was nice to be included but I stuck around for as long as I could stomach it and then finally dropped off because regular work was picking up.  Busy time with a bunch of new people starting in a few weeks and there is mounting pressure that comes with that as well.  Not a fun time but being busy makes the time pass faster! 

Found out that the new guy asked if he could take next Wednesday, Thursday & Friday off.  I’m out, the mistake maker is out so that would leave the boss by himself.  Not sure if this guys time off will get approved but it’s also not my worry. 

Speaking of time off I was thinking about what exactly I had planned for next week.  Nothing more than a dental appointment and a facial.  I am kicking around the idea of getting a roll away dumpster delivered for a couple days and doing some serious house cleaning.  It’s something that I’ve said I would do for years but it always gets put off.  Not exactly something exciting to do.  Dumpster rental isn’t cheap but I could at least make a dent in things.  I’ve not committed to the idea yet.  I’m sure if I do the neighbors will think that I am the next one that will be moving out and nothing could be further from the truth. 

I saw a job that sounded interesting but it pays 1/2 of what I am making now and from that 1/2 there would be union dues to pay.  It’s kind of a dream job for me and I would be out of the house 5 days a week.  The thought of starting over and the pay cut are what kept me from jumping at applying.  I want out of my present job so bad though and yeah I am willing to take a pay cut to make it happen but 1/2 pay is a little too steep, dream job or average job. 

Well nightfall is here.  Time to prep for tomorrow.  Shave and shower.  Then off to bed and up to do it all over again tomorrow.  I just tell myself this time next week who knows what I will be doing.  Work won’t be one of those things. 

Take care! 

FIGHT FOR JUSTICE

Riley Strain was a 22-year-old University of Missouri student who died in Nashville, Tennessee, after going missing on March 8, 2024.  Riley’s body was recovered from the Cumberland River on March 22, 2024, ending a two-week search.

The Davidson County Medical Examiner ruled his death an accident, citing drowning and ethanol intoxication (blood alcohol content of .228%) as the cause.  Police determined that Strain, who was intoxicated and unfamiliar with the area, stumbled down a steep embankment onto Gay Street adjacent to the river.

Strain’s family filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the Delta Chi fraternity in March 2025, alleging that fraternity members abandoned him when he was "virtually incoherent" and continued partying instead of seeking help.  However, a Missouri judge dismissed the lawsuit in July 2026, ruling that fraternity membership did not establish legal liability for the fraternity or its members regarding Strain's death.

His family has filed an appeal. The wheels of justice don’t move fast enough, but I do hope that they (Riley’s family) get the justice they deserve. I read the appeal last night and it states some good points. Riley was begged by his frat brothers to attend their formal and while he didn’t want to, he eventually gave in. He thought he was traveling with his brothers but in fact none of his frat brothers acted responsibly, if they had it would have prevented Riley’s death. First every frat brother had a girlfriend or date that went with them on this trip. Riley did not. Second, when Riley was kicked out of a bar his so-called brothers chose to keep partying instead of lending a hand and ensuring that he made it back to the hotel safely. Third, when the frat bros arrived back at the hotel and found Riley missing, they went to sleep and didn’t give a second thought. It was not until the next day that they called the police and a city-wide search for Riley began. Then they finally notified his parents. These were just college kids who were more focused on themselves and getting drunk rather than thinking about safety and taking responsibility for the group. They were all adults and of legal age to my knowledge.

But for the fraternity, Riley would never have been in Nashville TN. In my eyes the frat is 100% responsible and should pay. I’m surprised they didn’t make an offer to settle just to stay out of the news. Apparently, frats like Delta Chi are frequently sued and have excellent legal representation and it’s difficult to get a verdict against them. Notice I said difficult not impossible. I think Riley’s parents are doing the right thing to keep their fight alive. I hope they don’t give up until they get the justice they so rightly deserve! Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. Riley was only 22 years old when he died, that is far too young, and he had an entire lifetime ahead of him with a very bright future from all accounts.

I can’t imagine how his frat brothers must feel and the guilt they carry. If they don’t feel guilty then something is seriously wrong. Most of them were quick to lawyer up once the initial lawsuit was filed. One thing is for sure, that everyone involved is shelling out plenty of money in legal fees. Attorneys good or bad can rack up a quite the bill and get deep in your pockets and drain you of more money than you might have.

Now, the theory of how he wound up in the river is another story. I think there was foul play involved and no one can convince me otherwise. I followed this story in real time as it unfolded, and it broke my heart when they found his body. Yes, his parents have closure and were able to bring their sons body home. That’s not the outcome they were hoping for. However, when someone goes missing the longer, they stay missing the less likely a positive outcome is. I think but could be wrong that there is someone out there that knows more but just didn’t bother to come forward. I would think differently if they found his body on land. My recollection is that he was found with his underwear on and nothing else. His shirt, boots, wallet, apple watch and iPhone are all gone. His debit card was found on land by some volunteer searchers in an area that police had allegedly canvased the day prior. How could the police miss something that minor and two volunteers find the debit card the very next day? How much effort did the police department really put forth? I think they did the bare minimum and created further roadblocks and stress for the family. To me there are a lot of red flags here and something I think is seriously rotten.

I get that you must let some things go just because it’s simply not worth it and you may never get the answers that you are seeking. To keep pressing for answers would do nothing but drive you insane. I think holding the fraternity accountable is the right thing to do as this is all their fault. I will continue to follow this case as I am invested and want to know what the final outcome is. While the police say this was an accident, I say it was a tragedy that never should have happened.

This story echoes that you should be careful of the company you keep and who you trust as well as how much you trust them. I think if just one of the frat bros would have stayed sober and acted as the responsible person (also known as a designated driver) and was watching everyone in the group with both eyes wide open, today much of the world wouldn’t know who Riley Strain was.

Expensive Day

I made it to the post office to mail the letter.  I was shocked when I was told that it could take up to 4 weeks for it to arrive.  Apparently Certified Mail is running behind.  The letter is going a couple towns away it’s not like it’s going across the country.  My receipt shows that expected delivery is Thursday.  I certainly hope that the clerk is wrong and the receipt is correct.  Otherwise, the kid will leave for college and never be able to sign for this.  Mailing this the way I did set me back $20.  Quite expensive for a letter but there is valuable information and what I did will tell me if he gets it or not.  He is the only one who can sign for it. 

My Thanksgiving friends messages me last night that on Saturday night they lost one of their cats.  Sounds like it was unexpected and the cat died at home.  I looked at Amazon for something to send and decided to scrap the idea and just sent flowers.  They will be delivered today, despite the fact that I waited until the afternoon to make the purchase.  Thankfully I had reward points to cash in at the florist but still I dropped $77. 

I was thinking about going out for supper but considering the amount of money I dropped today I am staying home and eating out of the freezer.  It’s not going to kill me but it certainly won’t be nearly as good as a freshly prepared meal in a restaurant.

Thus far work has been okay.  The mistake maker is out due to a sick kid.  Monday’s are typically slow paced and that seems to be the case as everyone is getting their footing and then things will take off from there.  I hate being on-call and will be happier when the week is done!

Sadly I have a meeting with the boss later this afternoon.  It’s just a touch point like we spontaneously had last week.  I think this will be a waste of time but I’m playing along. 

My cats are doing well.  Both got brushed good yesterday and had their nails trimmed.  Mora hated it.  Rudy didn’t like it but he played along and tolerated me.  We had a decent lunch and since I am dressed in street clothes I feel oddly more productive.  AC is humming right along as expected. 

That’s about it for now.  Just holding my breath to see what happens with my letter.  I hope it lands well and doesn’t cause me problems.  It’s all about anticipation.  I’m prepared for both a good and bad outcome, just hoping for the good one!

Stay cool and hydrated, talk with you all again soon!

1 Day to go

Happy Thursday (aka Friday Eve).

I hope that your day is off to a great start!  Mine is going okay thus far despite an early morning start at 1a when my insomnia kicked in again.  I sat with Rudy and we watched TV.  Mora came in to join us for a while.  Around 3am I went back to bed and Mora cuddled with me and left, Rudy jumped in her place.  After that he never left my room.  He started with an early morning wake up call at 5a but I told him a couple more hours, he let me go one hour and tried at 6a.  I staved him off for 35 minutes and then wound up getting up. 

Mora looked like she was on bug patrol this morning.  She was on the couch arm looking up at the ceiling.  She cried out to me and I looked but no bug that I could see.  She came to eat breakfast and then went right back to bug duty.  I looked and looked but there is no bug, not sure what she saw or if it perhaps migrated and was hiding in another part of the house. 

I moved right along with my morning routine and Mora was waiting for me in my bed.  She has to have her morning attention, just can’t start the day with out it.  Kind of sets the tone for the day or something like that.  Rudy was busy bathing but managed to give me a couple dirty looks while he was cleaning.  He wanted some attention too and I didn’t let him wait for long.  I got dressed and peeked at my phone.  I expected there to be a bunch of junk from work.  There was email but nothing to get up in arms about. 

There was a situation last night later in the evening.  Despite not being on-call I inserted myself because it pissed me off and raised my blood pressure.  The long and short of it was someone accused us of not doing our job and that will get me fired up every time.  I fired off a professional but diplomatic retort and proved that we did our job.  I made sure to copy in every possible person that I could to show off and that seems to have calmed things down.  At least I hope so since there hasn’t been any further email about it, at least to me.  I probably should have let the mistake maker who was on-call take care of it but I just couldn’t resist jumping in.  I’ve got a pretty good barometer and know when to speak and when not to but sometimes I get into some sticky situations trying to be helpful.  I am scaling that back. 

Speaking of work I’ve been delegating a lot lately and damn that is fun and can be addicting.  I see something come in that I don’t want to deal with so I push it off on someone else and they take care of it.  Man if that’s what it’s like to be a boss that for sure has to be one of the perks.  I’m sure there are downsides and they probably far outweigh the upsides. 

Got some bad news yesterday.  A journalist and podcaster passed away.  I found out in the middle of watching another podcast it was an abrupt thing and there was an odd pause.  I’m speaking of John C. Dvorak.  He was known for being cranky but I found him quite entertaining.  He lived to be 80 years old.  That’s a long time but I’m sure it passed in the blink of an eye.  He was an entertainer to me.  RIP

While it was cooler here the AC still seemed to run about the same amount of time.  We have one more cool day before things heat back up and storms move in.  Not looking forward to rain or more brutal heat but come December I will be wishing for it.  That’s the thing about the weather were never 100% happy with it all of the time.  It’s either too cold or too hot.  Such is life!

I’ve prepared for the mass exodus tomorrow when our interns leave.  I’ve done as much pre-work as I can to get ahead.  I never look forward to their arrival or leaving as it causes more work for me.  I’m sure everything will go fine but tomorrow afternoon will for sure be a very busy time, perhaps that will make time fly so we can start the weekend.  I am not looking forward to next week since I will be on-call but I am certainly enjoying resting up this week.

Take care and thanks for stopping by. 

Good Sleep

Morning

Hope your having a great day.  Mine started early this morning when I woke up at 1a.  I had no reason to be up but my body said it’s time to wake up.  It was another insomnia attack.  I’ve really been taking the death of my so called step-son pretty hard.  I think mostly because were so close in age.  Then there is me still mulling over if I want to tell his kid about his grandfather.  I honestly kind of wish I never googled but I’m curious by nature and that has caused me some pain more than once in my lifetime. 

In any event I was up until 3a and then decided to head back to sleep.  As I turned the TV off I heard rain falling outside, which was kind of a surprise.  Powered on my white noise machine.  Rudy and Mora changed places in bed and I got to snuggle with Mora for a short period of time before she left, I was no where near falling asleep. 

It’s oppressively hot and humid here.  I woke up to hear and feel the AC running this morning at 6:30a, which is still early for me to rise.  However Rudy & my bladder have this knack for waking me up early.  Felt really good sitting at the table eating and feeling the cool air. 

It’s really nice in the basement usually it’s 70 down here but right now it’s 72.  Still feels pretty good.  More rain is on the way and heavy winds are forecast for most of the afternoon.  Just hope the trash can doesn’t blow away. 

I’m anticipating a call from the boss either today or tomorrow to let me know about my pay raise.  It won’t be in effect until the 1st of July but it’s nice to know that it’s coming. 

Had a lengthy conversation yesterday with the new guy.  Lots of pauses and delays in the conversation like it’s tough to get off the phone with him.  It took me two separate times of trying to end the conversation before he finally gave in and we hung up.  Jeez just imagine if we were in person he strikes me as one of those people that just goes on forever and ever.  Thankfully were far apart so the chances of us meeting in person are slim to none.  I’m okay with that.

I have been pushed to work with him more.  I kind of feel like he said that he hasn’t worked with me much and that has resulted in some emails with tasks being delegated to me asking me to work with the new guy to make sure he knows.  I hate those kinds of emails but I always do what is asked of me and always will, unless it’s illegal or morally wrong. 

Looking forward to what I hope is a relaxing weekend.  I don’t have anywhere to be on Saturday and really no reason other than getting something to eat and grabbing the mail to leave.  I plan to rot at the moment.  It sounds like the best and if my insomnia keeps flaring up I will certainly welcome rotting.  I’d just like to go back to sleeping through the night and waking up refreshed and relaxed, kind of like when I was a kid.  Those times have been few and far between but they sure to feel awesome when they happen. 

Back to the fun I suppose.  Stay cool and take care!

Still numb

Morning and Happy Friday!

I am still numb from what I found yesterday.  My mind has been racing thinking of times we interacted in the past.  Memories.  The fact I have photos that I’m sure his kid would probably enjoy seeing the more it makes me want to reach out.  With age comes wisdom and I know to take my time with this and not react and rush into anything.  Right now I am thinking I am going to reach out but just not sure on when.  I know Father’s Day is only a few weeks away and I for sure wouldn’t want to clash with that because it’s going to be a difficult day for the kid. 

Needless to say I didn’t sleep the best last night but I am okay with it.  I also wasn’t in the mood to watch porn last night although perhaps if I would have I might have slept better.  I know it would have made me feel better, if only for a fleeting second.  Nothing quite like an orgasm, shame they don’t last longer!

The cats comforted me once they realized something was wrong after I found out.  Rudy came up and gave me a kiss, just like he did when he was in the shelter.  He’s such a sweet boy.  Mora sat with me letting her motor run on high.  It’s said that the vibrations from a cats purr can heal the human body.  I don’t know if I fully buy that but I can tell you it sure is comforting.  I can listen to a cat purr forever it’s so soothing. 

Work was calm in the morning but picked up in the afternoon.  I only have 1 meeting on the books today, I think it’s going to be a decent day. 

Looking forward to the weekend as per usual.  It’s cat food shopping weekend and also time to clean the cats water fountain and change the filter.  More tasks that I don’t enjoy.  However, I will be getting up early tomorrow as I have a haircut scheduled which I look forward to.  Not waking up early on a Saturday but I figure it will either get me motivated or cause me to come home and take a nap.  Thinking about where I want to eat this weekend.  Chinese, Mexican and BBQ all sound good to me.  I could honestly probably fit them all in if I really wanted to but I’d be so damn full.  Despite being overweight I really only eat 2 meals on weekends and sometimes throughout the week.  Breakfast and Supper.  Lunch is optional and dependent on how I feel as well as what I have on hand to munch on. 

Hope that you have a good day and a super weekend.  Thanks for stopping by.  Talk with you all again soon.

Sudden Death

I put my step-son’s name into Google.  Just wanted to see if I could figure out where he was working.  Instead I found out that he passed away back in April, 3 days oddly of the anniversary of his Father’s passing.  He was 55 which is really young to die.  The obituary was kind of the final slap in the face to his father, in that they listed his step-father (the guy his mom married after his father got a divorce).  I am stunned to learn this and of course I wanted to know what happened.  I did some searching on social media and found out that he had Pneumonia and was unable to fight it off. 

The kid had a child that never knew his grandfather (my late spouse) and I kind of want to tell the kid about him.  He is still a teenager and I realize that if I try to step in it probably would be very unwelcome.  I just really want the kid to know the truth so he doesn’t go through life not knowing.  If they were permitted to meet I think that my late spouse and his grandson would have hit it off swimmingly.  Of course I will never know that for sure.  I am fairly certain the kid has no idea of who I am either and I’m okay with that but he should know who his grandfather was. 

Yet another reminder that tomorrow isn’t promised to us.  We weren’t close in fact the last time we spoke was 13 years ago the day after his father passed that he couldn’t make time to come say goodbye to, asking if his dad suffered.  I’m fairly certain the kid hated me and I’m okay with that.  He caused so much pain to his father, took advantage of his father and made so many empty promises.  He was the definition of disappointment.  Of course if he needed money he wasn’t afraid to ask his father. 

I really have no words and am just in utter shock.  Not sure how his obituary slipped by me but had I known I would have at least gone to the memorial service.  I know I wouldn’t have been welcome.  I suppose everything happens for a reason.   

13 Years

Greetings – Hope that your having a great day!

As it typically happens my weekend insomnia kicked in last night.  I was so tired and couldn’t wait to get to bed.  I stayed awake until 10:30p and called it a night.  Woke up at 2a and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I knew that I wouldn’t want to function in the morning.  I stayed up watching TV until 4a.  Turned the TV off and Mora came in and got comfy laying on my arm.  She knows how to turn on the magic and I melted and passed out but not before I moved my alarm up a 1/2 hour to 7:30a. 

Morning arrived and my body woke me up and Rudy was right there to say good morning, get out of bed and feed me.  I protested but knew that I had to get up and get moving.  We got breakfast going. 

Time for a shower.  My head doesn’t itch as much or as bad as it did a few days ago.  The redness has faded considerably and I am quite happy with that. 

Threw on some clothes and headed out to the grocery store.  I wasn’t the only one shopping but at least I got there early enough that I was able to snag a great parking spot.  Never mind that I parked next to a jackass who didn’t quite know how to park.  I squeezed myself out carefully and headed inside. 

Grabbed some of those Doom Oreo’s, man they are so good.  It was a breeze in and out trip.  I was done before I knew it.  Then it was time to see how much damage I did.  Close to $100 and I left with 3 bags and a gallon of milk. 

Headed home, put everything away.  The humidity was crazy and I was so uncomfortable.  Took off my clothes and sat in my room with a Sprite Zero watching TV.  Both cats joined me and passed out.  I managed to watch the latest episode of The Pitt without falling asleep so that’s good.  Caught 2 episodes of Neighborhood Watch, which is a show where they play clips of funny security camera recordings. 

Once that was done it was back to Young Sheldon and eventually off to take a nap.  Had to make Rudy move and he wasn’t happy about it.  Woke up and passed out lunch.  I had some junk food as a snack.

The house had cooled down and I knew the basement was going to be chilly so I got dressed and then headed down to do laundry.  It’s going to be a day full of laundry because I put off doing it last weekend. 

I’d like Chinese for supper but the place I go it’s a roll of the dice if they will be open or not.  Instead I’m going out for BBQ.  Not quite as tasty as Chinese but it will be good in it’s own way.  I’m planning on ordering Brisket.  Picking up the mail on the way home and I’m done with running for the day. 

Today is a day I’d rather just skip over.  13 years ago today I lost my spouse. I’ve got no doubt that He’d be quite proud of me.  I still miss him and wish he were here.  I’m selfish I suppose.  Back then I wondered how I would go on and how I would survive.  Each year I am amazed that I lasted another year as the years continue to fly by.  Never thought I’d make it this far.  Also wish the original cats were still with me too, this place was much busier back then now it’s so much quieter than it’s ever been.  At times that is good but sometimes it serves as a reminder that I’m all alone. 

The rest of Sunday

Morning

I did some surfing after I put my up last post.  I was surprised to see that another young Porn Star had died.  Seth Peterson (real name Adam Daniel Aguirre) who was 28 years old, passed away on Saturday.  His body was discovered by his Fiancée.  Cause of death has not been released as of yesterday.  There may be more details forthcoming.  Seth was on my list of favorite porn stars and has given me plenty of orgasms during his career.  He started at Helix Studios and that’s where I first saw his work. 

While I know that it is possible to die at any age from newborn onward.  It’s tough for me to see such a young person pass.  He had a whole life ahead of him and who knows where that journey would have taken him.  My mind can’t help but think that this was suicide or an accidental overdose, however I want to stress again that is speculation in my part and no official cause of death has been released. 

There is a go fund me page that this Fiancée to put up for funeral expenses but another porn star was quick to say not to donate because he wasn’t positive where the money was actually going.  I don’t know if the young man had a family but presumably he did and the expense legally would fall to them since he wasn’t married only engaged.  The whole situation is sad. 

On a different note, I went to get a car wash and then drove for BBQ afterwards.  The wind was whipping so hard, when I got on the freeway it was slightly difficult to keep my vehicle in it’s lane and I wasn’t the only one who had the struggle.  Then I heard a strange sound, it sounded like something was rubbing like when your on a rumble strip (that indentation they make in the pavement, to let you know that your about to go off the road).  I exited onto another freeway and the sound stopped.  Then I heard it again on the way home and the winds had only intensified.

We had a rapid cool down.  It was in the 90’s when I left and when I got home roughly an hour later we were in the 70’s and that quickly dropped to 50’s.  I looked out to see no more weed by the front window and was so happy.  I glanced at the driveway and it looked like something was laying there.  I walked out and that’s when I discovered part of the driveway had collapsed.  There had been a small tunnel underneath for years and we never though anything of it. 

My YouTube research skills kicked in and I started watching videos.  Sounds like water got in and eroded the soil and then with the freeze/thaw cycle that occurs many times over in winter, that puts stress on concrete and hence the collapse.  Yesterday the guy parked his heavy ass truck in the driveway and I think that was probably the final straw and it gave way.  It doesn’t look bad just a slight unevenness.  However, the videos all say get it fixed now before it spreads and becomes a bigger problem.  I saw videos of guys drilling holes and using lots of spray foam to raise their driveways on their own.  That’s what the pros do but they use a different kind of foam.  I don’t plan on trying to DIY this. 

A couple houses in the subdivision have had their driveways ripped out and re-poured.  That’s got to be expensive.  It looks very nice though when it’s done.  Honestly the only qualm I have with my driveway is that it’s dirty and I’d love to see 100% clean concrete.  I learned last night there is special caulk and sealers that you can apply that prevent moisture from seeping in and doing more damage overtime.  I have some cracks and honestly never thought about it.  Just found out that homeowners doesn’t cover damage to driveways unless it’s the result of a storm or falling tree. 

As if that’s not enough I noticed that I have a roof brace on my front porch that is rotting.  I for sure will need to have that replaced or the roof over my front porch will sag or worse yet collapse.  That I for sure plan to address.  Cost for that according to the internet is all over the place from a few hundred to a thousand to thousands.  It’s one small white pole I can’t imagine that it would cost more than a thousand to fix but hey I’ve been wrong before.  I suppose it depends if you get an individual who does it or if you call a roofing company.  I plan to do both just to have a few estimates on hand before I make a decision. 

What can I say?  Every time I manage to save money there always seems to be something that comes up to try to take it away from me.  So much for my good luck thoughts.  That didn’t last too long before I got the wind knocked out of my sails.  Homeownership sucks sometimes. 

Outside of that yesterday was just a normal afternoon.  I left the AC on and then woke up at 5am to flip the heat on.  It was down to 71 in the house and the cats weren’t happy about it.  I never fully got back to sleep and both cats visited me in bed.  Mora got a hug and little bit of cuddling before she took off.  Rudy came in a bit later and he hung around until I woke up.  He started making his biscuits trying to get me to get up and get his breakfast but I told him we still had a couple hours before that would happen.  Eventually he laid down on my chest to make sure he didn’t miss a muscle movement of mine and/or that I’d disappear on him.  That’s never happened before.  Both cats always know where I am at but I don’t always know where they are. 

Damn, it’s Monday already and I have dealt with a few things at work.  The day is warming up and as people start to get working I know that my workload will increase.  I am still hoping for a decent day.  Take care and be well. 

Jinx

Morning!

I jinxed myself yesterday by saying in a meeting that things were calm and the normal stuff that we deal with had slowed down.  Well just before lunch a wave of work poured in and it started off easy but quickly mounted.  I looked at the clock when I was done and it was 3p.  Glad that I went by Rudy’s clock yesterday and ate at 11a. 

After that the rest of the day was pretty much a breeze.  We have a meeting tomorrow to say goodbye to a colleague that is retiring.  We were all told we need to have video on for that meeting.  I tested my camera on my laptop and had to fight a little bit with my antivirus software but I got it working.  Funny thing if I join Zoom from the laptop directly I can have a virtual background.  If I go through the work system I can’t.  I thought it was rather odd.  I hope that I can keep my composure during the meeting.  I’m not a huge fan of goodbyes.  I would have thought that we as a team would have gotten him a card or something but nope.  Glad I sent him a card on my own accord, it’s the right thing to do.  Our boss is so random when it comes to cards.  He used to send them out like they were Kleenex and now nothing, not even a Christmas card. 

Flipping through YouTube videos yesterday once things settled back down, I saw that James Van der Beek passed away.  Sad he was so young and fought quite the battle with colo rectal cancer.  Sounds quite unpleasant.  He was hot especially when he was younger but I never had a crush on him per se.  48 such a young age.  Hope he’s resting in peace. 

Had a muscle knot last night in my back that was bothering me.  I opted to break out the cupping set and made sure infrared was turned off.  It helped but Rudy became interested in this device that was on my back.  He sniffed and pawed at it then just watched it work it’s magic.  Eventually he got sleepy and drifted off while sitting next to me.  Of course I didn’t want to move but when my time was up I wanted that thing off my back so I had to wake him.

Slept okay for the most part just didn’t feel highly rested when I woke up and my body got me up at 5a but I tossed for an hour and eventually got up at 6a just to use the bathroom.  Rudy hated to see me climb back in bed because he was ready for breakfast.  However, I made him wait a little bit before I got going. 

Normally getting up early usually works to my advantage because there is some crisis at work that I didn’t know about and I need to take care of it or it unfolds just after I log on.  Thus far it’s peaceful and it’s been over an hour, hopefully that can be the theme for the day. 

I am all caught up and just twiddling my thumbs so I will probably go up and get logged in to be near the cats.  Maybe even try to take a nap.  Only real thing on the agenda today is to get the trash out. 

Hope all is warm and well in your neck of the woods.   

 

 

Bitter Cold

Morning … Yesterday afternoon I got an alert that our office would be closed today due to weather.  I thought it was a wise decision for them to close things up given the amount of snow that has fallen as well as how bitter cold it was going to get overnight.  -10 is what was forecasted.  It’s cold this morning I felt it inside as my furnace was working it’s magic to warm this place up.  Looked outside and saw another neighbor cleared their driveway.  I am really hoping that the guy I called comes to clean my driveway today.  If not I will have the struggle of finding an alternate.  Social media has a nice long list it’s just pick and choose, you have no idea what your getting.  Saw one guy saying he would clean all senior citizens driveways for free.  That was refreshing, most people want something in return. 

I had plenty of time on my hands yesterday and it was kind of nice to know that up front.  I took my time but accomplished everything on my to do list that I wanted to get done. 

Got my shower last night and wow the water did sting a bit on the burns.  However, they appear to me to be healing.  I made sure to soap them both up good and rinse off well.  Patted that skin dry and then dried off normally.  Got more non-stick pads and put on more antibiotic ointment and covered them up.  Did some research and found that these are actually 2nd degree burns since they blistered.  I might use my cupping devices again but there will be no infrared/heat I’m just not taking that risk again.  The tape has my skin itching like crazy so much that this morning I am throwing caution to the wind and I ripped off the patches.  Put on some more ointment and a shirt.  I hope that exposing them to the air will help with healing and get the itch to calm down a bit. 

I did get bored as one might expect with TV.  I watched some national news and focused a bit more on the ICE situation in Minneapolis.  Wow, I can’t believe that yet another person was murdered by the government.  That guy did nothing wrong and was trying to help a woman who was being barraged by ICE agents.  The governments take that he was a threat and looked to inflict danger is obviously all wrong.  An ICE agent can be seen in the video taking the guys gun seconds before shots rang out.  Plus the number of times he was shot.  Not one bullet should have been fired much less several.  These ICE agents they have deployed clearly don’t know how to do their jobs and lack serious training.  It’s only a matter of time before one or several of them get hurt in addition to the innocent American’s.  There is nothing wrong with Immigration Enforcement but do it with skill, planning and educated & well trained agents.  Not the average Joe Citizen that you just hand a badge and gun to.  It’s appears that these guys are all average Joe’s, that is HIGHLY DANGEROUS and NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT.  I can’t wait until we get a real President but that is years down the road.  Meanwhile we have to keep dealing with the bullshit.  He (The President) clearly doesn’t know what he is doing and just wants awards, attention and to sew chaos while wrecking the White House and making it look as gaudy as possible.  Why anyone voted for him a second time is beyond my understanding.  You saw what he did in his first term, you can’t be surprised by the shit he is pulling now.  Why can’t we all just get along and live in some semblance of peace and harmony?  Minneapolis was fine before these thugs invaded it and Minneapolis is STRONG and the people WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.  GOD HELP US, WE NEEDED IT NOW MORE THAN EVER. 

I don’t get political terribly often because I know that causes tension and it’s the last thing I want to do.  However, I just can’t sit by and not say anything and pretend all is normal when I am outraged by what I saw in videos from multiple sources.  Something is clearly seriously wrong. 

Hope you are safe and warm.  Have a great day and I will talk with you all again soon. 

Monday

Feeling a bit depressed today.  Still looks like I will be alone on Christmas. 

Wanted to attend a visitation for a lady who passed away, she ran a business that my grandparents frequented.  The lady is also a relative to my Thanksgiving friends.  However, I called the dentist and had an afternoon appointment. 

I was hoping that the dentist would just smooth out the rough edges and we could call it a day.  Well that sort of his how things worked out.  Turns out I didn’t break the tooth it was part of the filling chipped off.  There is a divot that she can get to without drilling out a part of the old filling and replacing it.  For now were leaving it as is.  If it bothers me or breaks further I’m supposed to call for an appointment to get that work done.  I don’t like the divot but the edge was smoothed out so I think it will be okay or so I hope. 

Got the car washed on the way home, there was supposed to be a special gift waiting for me since I subscribe to the clean car club, but I got no gift and didn’t see anyone passing anything out.  Hey, I broke even on my membership.  To do that I have to have 2 washes in the month, anything else after that is just gravy for me. 

The cats sense how I am feeling and they are super clingy.  It helps knowing they love me but it’s not the same as being with a human.  I’m so glad I have them. 

Checked in at work, things appear to be calming down a bit, which is good.  Hopefully, that trend continues.  Only time will tell. 

Went to Olive Garden for supper.  That’s the last restaurant on my list that I wanted to visit while on vacation.  Since I do believe I am going to be alone on the holiday, I am heading for pizza tomorrow so I will have something quick on hand to munch on.  If I am alone I will make a trip to the office just to get out of the house and check my desk. 

Purchased a few lottery tickets with the hopes that I can actually win.  I’ve got a theory that no one wins off a quick pick, but I know that’s false.  So I picked my own numbers for one ticket and then got a quick pick for the other ticket.  I still figure that my chances are the same regardless if I played or not, I’m probably out the money but it’s nice to have a tiny chance, better than nothing.  I’ll bet if I would win big that lots of people would be beating down my door and my problem of finding a guy would be over.  I’d love to be able to quit my job, travel and generally do what I wanted without any concerns or having to answer to anyone but the cats. 

I am still enjoying freedom from work but know that will soon come to an end this time next week.  Not looking forward to that. 

Called to argue with the cable company today about the price I am paying for my internet.  They told me that I have been a customer for 27 years.  The only way to lower my cost of internet is to add TV and then my entire bill would drastically increase.  I explained that I wanted to lower my bill and not add any other services.  They told me there was nothing they could do for me now but if I would have called last week they could have helped me.  WTF!  I plan to call back and I’ll bet if I told them I wanted to cancel service they would come up with some 11th hour magical deal to try to keep me.  Cellular Internet has come a long way and they have competition.  Just think about how much money they have gouged out of me for 22 years.  I say that because for 5 years I had an employer that paid my internet bill in full.  The cost has always been outrageous and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.  New customers seem to get all of the great deals but like any deal it’s only temporary eventually it expires, they pull the rug out and you pay the higher price.  My way of thinking is that companies that provide a services like internet and cell phone should reward their loyal customers, we got them to where they are now but they quickly forget.  I’ve already reached out to a new company that is supposed to be coming to the area, when they get here I am jumping ship.  I hate the cable company just like I hate the phone company. 

Hope you had a great day.  I kind of loafed a bit and now that it’s late it feels like I wasted a day but I consider it time well spent, taking care of me.  I just need to get back to my list of things to do to be able to cross everything off my list by the time my vacation is done. 

Take care!

And that makes 3

I just learned that Lane Rogers (aka Blake Mitchell) passed away from a motorcycle accident that occurred on Monday.  He was 31.  If the name doesn’t ring any bells he was a porn star.  He started in the porn industry young with his first job at Helix Studios.  He was well endowed, had a great smile and from what I’ve read on-line a great person.  He provided me many orgasms over the years.  I’m sad to hear that another young person is gone.

For me this makes 3 people that I knew of and was fond of that have passed.  It started with Scott Finn (another porn star) who took his own life, then I learned that a former co-worker took his own life earlier this year and now Lane.

I hope that we are done now.  I hate to hear of anyone passing away regardless of the cause but a young person passing is especially bothersome to me.    

May they all Rest In Peace.

Finally reached the end

I am finally about to cross the finish line for the week. What a week it’s been. Today is the calmest day that It’s been all week long. I also hope that I didn’t just jinx myself. This is the first week I didn’t pause for a nap at all. I’ve just been that busy!

Still thinking about the young guy, I used to work with that committed suicide. I can’t imagine what demons he was fighting with. It makes me wish that I would have reached out to him to at least make my feelings known. Not seeing any notification about his passing at work, I reached out to a manager today to let him know. Turns out it was already known and the word was spread locally in the office he used to work in. This morning trying to compose that email and looking at his face in his obituary just led me to sob. My feelings for him were strong but moreover it’s the fact that he was only months from his 30^th birthday. I wish that he was still here and am having a hard time accepting that he is gone.

Continuing down that same path, I thought of his mom. While I don’t know if he participated in our 401K, but if he did and he designated his parents as beneficiaries they could be owed some money. It’s one of those things that might not have been thought of. Also, each year a ton of unclaimed property & money is surrendered to each state in the US because the owner can’t find the recipient. I googled his state along with the words “found money” (example, CA Found Money). That led me to his state’s website, and it turns out they have some money in his name. I found his mom on social media and reached out to her to express my condolences and to alert her about the 401K as well as the fact that the state has unclaimed money owed to her late son. I like to be helpful and really wish that I would have had someone guide me when I was navigating the journey with the loss of my spouse. I hope that gives her some comfort. While I know money won’t replace him nor bring him back, it’s better for his parents to have it than letting it just vaporize. Now I know I’ve done all I can.

You don’t have to be dead to have a state holding money or property in your name. A blurb appears in the news usually once per year about unclaimed property. Search your name on your state’s official treasurers page, you might be surprised. If you want to go the extra mile you can search for family and friends as well and if you find something, let them know. I search periodically for my late mother, my late spouse, myself as well as my brother. I’ve also found money that was given to my mom. My brother and I were able to make a claim and get the money.

Last night for supper I had a Turkey Pot Pie. Had to buy Turkey because the store was all sold out of Chicken. Anyway, I thought it would be the same thing but with Turkey. Turns out this one had one tiny carrot and tons of peas, not what I was expecting at all. It was still good though.

I’m thinking about making the last Tombstone pizza that I have, I plan to get a couple more while I am off to have them on hand. Going to look for the next episode of Heated Rivalry. If all goes according to plan, it should be a nice evening.

It’s going to be cold tomorrow in the 20’s but Sunday we are down to single digit temperatures, so extra cold. I don’t know if I will get out tomorrow but maybe just for food and mail. I do have plans to sleep in, despite being on-call. I will hear the phone if it rings. Kind of feel like I am getting sick. I woke up coughing this morning from drainage that I call sinus soup. It’s certainly something you don’t want at all but certainly not on an empty stomach. Took some extra allergy meds and right now things seem to be calm. Then again, I am upright and not laying down.

Today marks a sad anniversary for me. 3 years ago, I lost my Gator. I remember how bad I felt and how I just didn’t want to go on. I couldn’t imagine life existing without her. Then a month later I wound up with Rudy and Mora. Not exactly sure how I made it a full month, that is kind of a blur. Rudy and Mora are my anchors that keep me grounded. They need me as much as I need them. Once they both pass that is going to present a problem, but who knows where I will be in my life. If I’ve done my math correctly, I will be much older. Only time will tell. I still very much miss Gator; you don’t spend 18 years with an animal and just magically forget them. I not only miss her but all her siblings, the strays we had and of course my late spouse. The upcoming holidays are for sure a difficult time for me. I hope that all my departed cats as well as my late spouse are resting in peace. I think they all know that I miss them.

I’m sure you’re probably wondering what plans I have for my “vacation”. Honestly, nothing more than getting a haircut followed by a decent shampoo & scalp massage, some vehicle maintenance and having lunch with a friend. I’d like to work on this place and clean up some of the clutter that has accumulated over the years. Plus enjoying some naps and food. A trip to the alternate grocery store to get more Tombstone Pizza! I know that it’s 2 full weeks but it’s going to be over and done within a flash. The part that sucks is I need to babysit work with EOY coming up so I will need to check in periodically. I am not mandated to do it, but it will make my life easier so I shall.

Hope you have a great weekend. Stay warm and be well. Thank you so much for stopping by!

Empathy & Compassion

I finally found the right set of words to express my condolences and convey that I am willing to help in any way I can.  I’ve taken time to think about it and I just sent my message to my former colleagues surviving boyfriend.  The burden I felt is lifted and it’s totally up to him if he wants to respond or not.  I’m certainly not pushing it.  I do realize that if he has questions I will for sure come off as some weirdo but I’m honestly fine with that.  I honestly don’t expect to hear from him but if I do I suspect it will be a simple thank you, which is perfectly fine.  No response at all is also fine. 

I realize that my note is arriving well after the fact and that I am sort of pouring a little salt on an open wound.  People would hear at different times about the passing of my late spouse and reach out, it was nice of them but it also hurt a little bit. 

I feel that I did the right thing to show some compassion and offer a hand.  Just for the record I have no untoward intentions and I am not in the least bit sexually attracted to his boyfriend.  However, he’s a human being and I just want to offer some comfort if I can. 

Fear & Common Sense

I had some time to rationalize things and think my idea through.  While I really want to reach out to comfort the left behind boyfriend, I think that my contact (regardless of what method I use) would cause more questions and possibly not be well received. 

It’s in my nature to want to help people.  While I don’t know what it feels like to lose someone to suicide, I know all to well what it feels like to lose someone you loved be it a person or a pet.  I could commiserate with him and tell him things that worked for me, it might work for him. 

However, I’m afraid that my message just wouldn’t be well received because in the end I’d still be the weirdo that had a crush on a twink and followed him on the web.  I get it, it’s creepy.  That said, I had no malicious intentions and just lusted after someone that I knew I would never have. 

I wish that I would have reached out to him, it might have made a difference but it might not have.  Somethings you are just better off leaving alone. 

Now that I have typed this out, I have to get my mind wrapped around the idea that I’m done.

Back to normal posting, hopefully!

Details

Deeply bothered by the news I learned yesterday evening about a former co-worker and crush of mine.  Curiosity got the best of me and I looked into trying to get a copy of his death certificate.  Turns out not every state is FOIA friendly when it comes to death certificates.  Telling me I can’t have something when I want it, is just motivation for me. 

I found his mom on Facebook last night, just browsed her profile.  I actually started to write her and then realized that I would probably come off as a creep, it probably wouldn’t make me look good.  I aborted that idea. 

Rudy and some truck or a gust of wind woke me up around 5a and I’ve been up ever since despite only getting up to use the bathroom.  I finally gave in to the biscuit maker and got up close to 6:30a.  He was pleased and I couldn’t get food in front of him fast enough. 

I got a couple difficult issues I am working through at work.  One of them required me to do some digging this morning and I found a work around for the person.  The other one is me waiting on the person to get back to me. 

Anyway, I had another idea how I could potentially glean some information that turned out to kind of be a waste, but I just sharpened my web search skills a bit.  Found his boyfriends social media and I got my answer that I really didn’t want.  He committed suicide.  I got the inside scoop and it was graphic.  Turns out his boyfriend is actually only a year older than me, if the results in the web search are accurate.  I honestly feel like calling his boyfriend and am seriously pondering that.  For some reason it feels more right to me. 

I’m just full of emotion right now and know that I need to take a breath before I do anything.  Trying to work and ponder this is proving difficult but work is keeping me busy!

Hope your day is moving along with nothing but good news.  Stay warm and take care!

SUDDEN DEATH

Death has struck again and it’s another young person. A guy that I used to work with passed away back in August. He was only 29 years old, so young and full of life. He also happened to be gay. His life wasn’t easy and I found out some of his struggles. Life was a bit much for him a few years back and he had planned to commit suicide. His name was in the paper, and he was fighting back against a bully, who happened to be a prominent community member. He won his battle and life turned around. Things drastically improved for him.

I know how this sounds but truth be told I was stalking him from a far. He lived far away from me, and we never actually met in person. Professionally we had a couple interactions. From the first time I saw his face I fell in love with him and adored him. I just happened to google his name tonight and that’s how I found out.

All that I can find online is that his death was sudden and unexpected. From what I last knew he met an older guy and was very much in love and quite happy. I was jealous of that guy. He had moved even further away from his hometown, built a nice new life for himself.

Often at work we get notes about former colleagues and friends that pass away. There wasn’t any news about him because he was very much like me a grunt. People knew who he was and knew he was good at his job. Sadly, there was some office politics, and he wound up getting fired. I was upset by that at the time when it occurred, that was several years ago.

I really wanted to connect with him as a friend and be a mentor to him. It never happened mostly because I thought he would think I was some weird older guy. I kind of wish now that I would have made the effort while he was alive.

This was a young person who was in the prime of his life. I know that I could probably request a copy of his death certificate and get it under FOIA, to know what specifically his cause of death was but it’s one of those things that perhaps I am better off not knowing. If I found out that he took his own life it would crush me even further.

I don’t know what if any message the universe or God is trying to send me, but I do feel like there is a message that I am missing. I am deeply upset learning of his death. I hope that he is resting in peace. His poor family and friends, such a shock. I know that anyone of us could go in the blink of an eye and that life is more fragile than we often want to acknowledge.

I hope that this is the last young person I learn has passed away. Sadly, it probably won’t be, but I can hope.