Never thought I’d see this

Morning and welcome in.  Not sure if you have heard the news but the FDA has approved a breakthrough drug that reduces risk of contracting HIV by 96%.  It’s called Lenacapavir and it’s administered by injection every 6 months (or twice per year).  The cost is astounding at $14,109 per injection or $2,352 per month.  That’s a lot of money and I know when the patent on the drug eventually expires the cost will drop.  If your interested in reading more about this check out the article at https://www.advocate.com/health/fda-approves-hiv-drug-lenacapavir

I grew up during the AIDS crisis and it was a scary time.  There was a lot of unknowns and of course that bred plenty of rumors.  I remember kids talking about it in the Physical Education Locker Rooms and how it was associated with fags.  I didn’t know what it was but I for sure knew I was gay although I wasn’t out at that time.  I had experienced sex and wondered if maybe I had it or could get it.  Years later my grandmother was terminally ill and as a result of that I stopped eating, so there was a rapid weight loss and I looked horrible compared to my normal self.  My mom at the time panicked and told our family doctor that I was gay and she thought I had AIDS.  I remember going to the hospital for the blood draw, I was a little embarrassed but mostly scared of what the results would yield.  This is back when you had to wait something like 5 to 7 days for the results.  Man I was on edge for the longest time until the results came back as negative and then I was relieved.  I wasn’t promiscuous and only had sex with 2 people at that point.  1 of which was a virgin like I was and the other was my late spouse who at the time was my boyfriend.  He told me I would be okay and that the results would come back as negative.  He was a very smart man!

I know that we have PREP and lots of people are on it.  However, I never thought I would see more of a sure fire prevention.  Now if they could just develop a cure for HIV and Cancer that would be truly amazing.

On a different note, I lounged around the house for a bit.  Talked myself out of and then into a trip for lupper.  I wound up going to a restaurant that offers a buffet.  I originally thought they closed at 2p and I arrived around 1:30p.  I was surprised at the crowd of people and how no one was seeming to rush but me.  I asked my waitress and then found out that the kitchen is open every day until 9p.  I pushed it to get there before 2p and I could have relaxed.  As it was I wound up missing a turn and that cost me 10 minutes.  I was on one lane gravel roads, hit a few deep potholes which I hated.  Then when I got back to civilization I wound up behind a pickup truck that was hauling tree limbs and sticks.  A small branch broke loose from their load and I ran over it.  I wound up dragging it for miles, eventually it broke loose.  No damage from as best as I can tell and no fluids are leaking so I am quite thankful for that. 

Much to my surprise I got an email from the Chief of Police thanking me for my note and the gift card that I dropped off.  He donated the gift card to a fund that the department has at Christmas time for providing for kids who’s parents can’t afford to get them presents.  Now my gift will make the difference in some kids Christmas.  That makes me feel good.  I’m thinking of making a larger contribution to that fund once we are a little closer to Christmas.  Helping kids enjoy their childhood and innocence is something that is pretty important to me, since my childhood was a bit rocky. 

Speaking of the police turns out they are hiring a telecommunicator otherwise known as a dispatcher.  That’s a job I always wanted as well however talk about high stress and dealing with life and death, well it’s all there.  They make a decent amount of money but it would be a sizeable pay cut for me.  Not to mention that it’s 12 hour shifts and you have to be flexible to work days, nights, weekends and holidays.  I would also have to physically go in each day and there would be no work from home.  I have been thinking of applying despite knowing the risks.  Honestly if it wasn’t for fear of potential failure I’d go for it.  However, I am a little old to be taking such a large risk and gambling with my future.  If I went for it and failed I’d have to search for another job and based on my age alone that would not be easy.  I’m better off staying put.  I still get to help people in my job it’s just not life and death, which I am thankful for.

Happy Summer today is the first day of the season.  We are under a heat advisory and that will go on for days.  Here’s hoping I see some shirtless men walking by the house or even when I am out and about. 

I’ve used the heating pad, taken 1/2 of a muscle relaxer and my muscles are better but I still have some tension and am feeling it as well as the tightness and soreness that accompanies this.  Laying in bed and resting only makes things worse and not better.  That is unless you can afford to spend days doped up on muscle relaxers.  After a couple days you won’t feel anything or care much about anything either.  Unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of time to devote to this.  I just hope I can cope and manage until next Friday when I go for my massage. 

Well back to work, got to finish my catchup work and then unless something rolls in I am free for several hours.  Plenty of late afternoon and evening tasks to take care of.  It’s going to be a long Friday for me.

Hope you have an awesome weekend and that all is well in your world.  Thank you so much for stopping by.  Cheers!

 

New You Tuber

I recently found a new You Tube channel that I like.  It’s called Closet Convos it’s run by a cute guy named Isaac.  He talks about his life in the closet, coming out and dating.  He’s super cute.  While anyone can watch I think his target audience is younger gay guys. 

Not sure if I have any younger guys that follow my blog but wanted to pass this along.  If you visit I hope that you like it as much as I do. 

 

Guy Candy

A lot of screwing & money

Hello and welcome!  I hope that your doing well and have had an enjoyable weekend.  It’s been really busy and expensive for me.  I’m very tired and looking forward to a nice dinner, a shave and shower.  Then some evening relaxation and eventually bedtime before I get to start me week of fun on-call. 

You might think I had sex, hired a escort and spent a lot of money, well you will just have to read the entire post to find out.  Ready?  Here we go!

Friday night– I had problems falling asleep, big surprise.  It’s the weekend and that seems to be the big theme.  I thought I was tired but climbed in bed and was wide awake.  I got up, took an extra sleeping pill and within about 30 minutes I was finally ready to go back to bed to sleep.  The cats were taking up their 1/2 of the bed.  I had to move them out of the way before I could get in but it all worked out.

Saturday – I woke up super early but really didn’t want to.  I got up to feed the cats because they wouldn’t leave me alone.  No surprise after they were fed they still wouldn’t leave me alone.  As if to say hey you need to get up, don’t you?  Nope it’s the weekend.  I eventually did and had breakfast at home.  Rudy tried to beg to get me to feed him, he looks so cute but it was a no go.  I got a shower and Rudy had to explore the bathtub when I was done. 

I went out to see my friends.  I got a bad feeling on the way there like I shouldn’t go.  I wish I would have listened to that but I proceeded onward.  I walked in and was greeted with a hello and then a warning one of them had been seriously ill with some stomach bug that was contagious and today was her first day back.  Yuk.  I kept my distance but talked with her.  My guy friend was busy and in an odd mood.  He didn’t really say much to me and he got a call & had to leave.  I was hoping he would return because he’s the whole reason why I went there but that didn’t happen.  I wound up leaving after a couple hours and got the mail.  Grabbed my prescription and then came back home.  I was tired and wanted to sleep. 

Got a little bit of rest, opened the mail to find my large auto insurance bill that’s where the whole lot of money part comes in.  I was expecting it but not until next week, it came early.  Lucky me.  It’s been paid.  One advantage to driving something that isn’t new is that the insurance is much more manageable but still it was not exactly cheap. 

I went back out to grab cat food.  While I did that I opted to pick up some cat nip.  I wanted to see their reaction to it.  They have a dispensary setup and market it as if it was cat marijuana.  They have all of the stupid names like purple haze.  That is such a turn off to me.  Cat nip isn’t marijuana but whatever.  I got them the cheapest and smallest container I could find, which was called really good stuff.  I saw a cashier that I used to see on a weekly basis and he said where is all of the canned food.  I told him that Gator passed and I’ve got different cats now.  He was saddened to hear that.  I didn’t tell him I bought cans last week. 

I went to grab a bite of food at a Mexican place.  It was good but the table wasn’t clean.  The chips were greasy and while fresh not up to my taste buds.  I knew I’d get sick if I ate too many.  The meal was enjoyable and I inhaled it.  I’ve had better but it kind of depends on who’s cooking and what their mood is. 

Back home, watched TV, did the dishes and relaxed with the cats.  They ate their catnip like it was a snack and then they got hyper and wanted to play.  Glad I passed this out in a small portion.  It was fun but short lived. 

I spent the rest of the night on my computer trying to get my desktop to broadcast it’s name so I could see logs in my firewall of the traffic.  It would do it intermittently but not constant like my laptop or my phone will.  The fix was a free program called YogaDNS.  I checked a couple of boxes so it’s persistent and doesn’t fail.  It’s been working great ever since.  I rebooted just to make sure it would stick and yep still going strong.  Even if I turn on my VPN I have the DNS set to my firewall to where I want it to pickup from.  In case your wondering I use something called NextDNS.  While it’s a free service, I pay because I can easily exhaust the free lookup limit with all of the devices I’ve got.  Once you start logging and get this configured you will be surprised at how many sites all of the devices in your home try to reach out to.  It’s alarming.  I’ve got trackers and ads blocked, I still get some ads and have had to make some custom adjustments to get certain channels on my Roku’s to work.  It’s neat and helps with malware, viruses and typo squatting.  It’s not a replacement for an anti-virus but it’s a good supplement.  Works a lot like the commercial firewalls I manage at work but with an easier plain interface that is straightforward. 

After I solved that problem I opted to grab an ice cream bar and get the dishes going.  Rudy tried to climb in the dishwasher.  What a character.  He’s the one who usually causes all of the mischief.  Then we took in some TV, I brushed my teeth and we finally went to bed. 

Sunday – Having to get up early to make it breakfast was not exactly fun because I was up late.  I really didn’t want to go to bed but I knew I would hate myself in the morning and I did.  Plus my allergies were on fire.  That wired fuel like smell is in the air again and it bothers my nose.  Anyway, no hot waiter today.  Had some kicked up French Toast, Eggs and Sausage.  Had to hit up the car wash because while I was getting cat food yesterday a bird sprayed my car.  No good deed goes unpunished. 

I made it through the grocery store, came home put everything away despite Rudy being at my feet.  Grabbed the laundry threw it in and then I did the craziest thing of all I went to the office.  There was another door that was acting up and it’s been on my list for a while.  I should have taken a picture before I started unscrewing wires because it made it next to impossible to get it all back together correctly.  I looked at other doors and damn they didn’t use the same color wires throughout the project when they wired each door.  There should have been a black wire on the door I was working with but instead I had a Yellow wire.  I saw sending and receiving lights when I started but after I unhooked everything and went to put it back together I only had a receive light and no send.  Then it hit me it’s probably the communication board.  Thankfully several years ago we ordered one and didn’t need to use it so I had a spare.  I hooked that up, screwed in the wires and presto.  I got it programmed and tested, worked like a champ.  Then to make sure I wasn’t going insane I took a photo, unhooked everything, put the old board in and hooked it back up.  Turns out it was a bad board and I wasn’t loosing my mind.  Put the new board back in, screwed some more wires. This is the part where the whole lot of screwing came in.  See you thought it was something nasty, didn’t you?  I know I would have.  Anyway, tested everything and confirmed it was working.  Then I sent an update to all of the sites just for good measure that finished.  I cleaned up and put my tools away. 

Before I left I had to take a walk to my colleagues office who passed away last year unexpectedly.  Normally when someone leaves for whatever reason they are quick to vacate their office.  The only thing that was gone is his fish tank.  Everything else is in place.  Photos, wall art and all of his files.  I never knew it until today but he had an obsession with clocks.  I paused for a moment and heard all of this ticking.  I looked around and there were like 5 clocks, no matter where he was in his office he wanted to be able to see the time.  I got emotional it just felt strange not to have him there.  He would have been in even on a Sunday for a brief bit.  I saw him in a recent photo and man it just was sad.  I said a couple of words and then I had to leave.  I’m really shocked that but for the fish tank it looks like he will be back and that is so not the case.  It’s going to be tough whenever they clean the place out and that will happen eventually because the space will be needed but no one is rushing it. 

I needed to hit up Sam’s club that is the one thing that I haven’t checked off of my list and well I was too damn tired.  I’m glad I waited because the water softener has standing water inside and that’s not normal.  I fixed it once so I am trying what I did last time to see if that helps.  I’ve got enough salt to make it through another few weeks but plan to get more salt next weekend.  I said that last weekend too but that’s when I forgot I needed it.  I actually planned on getting it last weekend for real. 

Time to grab the laundry.  Go do house cleaning.  Put out pills and I was going out for pizza at a local place but I think I am going to stay home and eat Spaghetti & Meatballs I picked up from the store.  Saw a really cute bagger boy and we made some general friendly conversation.  Yeah I was tempted to ask him out but I didn’t because of the horrible judge of age I’ve got and I wasn’t 100% that he was legal and didn’t want to go down that road.  I like younger guys but it’s got to be legal, I don’t want no jail bait.  My preference is late 20’s to 30’s.  I did stop and wonder if the waiter from Cracker Barrel is wondering about me, my guess is probably nope.  I mean if your concerned I would call or text and neither of those things has happened.  I am sure I will see him again eventually but it’s still painful knowing that he played a game, I don’t do well with that.

I am thinking of getting back on an app or two but I am taking my time.  I wanted Valentine’s Day to pass.  There is so much fraud and it’s more prevalent around that time, it’s still out there don’t get me wrong but I think or hope that my odds are a bit less.  I know what to watch for been down that road too.  Just want to find Mr. Right have him be real, in the flesh and interested in me.  Date do things together and eventually if there is a spark we can jump in bed.  It’s more about companionship for me than it is sex but I’m eager for both but don’t want to come off desperate or as truly desperate as I am.  That’s like leaking blood in Shark infested water, the results are not good at all but at least it won’t be a fatal outcome.  I think everyone in the dating pool is desperate to some degree. 

It keeps getting later and later so I guess I will wind this up as my hands are cramping and it’s warmer upstairs.  The cats are going to hate me when I break out the vacuum but I’ll try to get that job done.  If I can check off all of the boxes on my list but Sam’s Club and going out for supper, I think I did pretty good and can be happy with it.  Not looking forward to being a slave to a computer & phone all week long but hey it’s part of the gig. 

As always here’s hoping it’s a great week ahead for all of us.  Take care and be well.  Talk with you all again soon!

Pleasant Evening

Tuesday morning was rough to get going but I made it. Cold out and I got a little bit of a jump on the commute to make it to the office at my normal desired start time. I saw one person which was our receptionist. I got water and then spent the morning in my office and when I had a chance to look up it was 11a. I stood up and stretched out then a quick trip to the restroom and back to my desk where I was in a meeting. Before too long it was noon and I got a note from my vendor asking to move the meeting. It was either up 1 hour or come back on Thursday. I opted to move the meeting up 1 hour. I wound up painting myself into a corner and had less than 30 minutes to gobble a sandwich for lunch. I continued to work so really didn’t take lunch. The vendor gave me the bad news that the install swap will take about 3 days of work and that is starting at around 6a to 7a. You know I will probably have to be on-site all 3 days and that is something I don’t look forward to, much less breaking it to Gator, she will take it the hardest. Right now, it’s a matter of waiting for the quote to come in and I am sure this will not be a cheap job. There is a rush to get the work done so I am sure the quote could be a million dollars and they will bite for it. Just waiting for a few days to see what comes rolling in. While no time is really ideal, I hope that we can do the work next year vs. in the month of December. They don’t work evenings and it’s going to be a big mess no matter when the work is done. I left at 3:30p and made it home by 4:30p. I promised Gator I would be home by 5p.

I did take a little bit of time to play at work but it was less than 10 minutes. I tried to test this new hard drive and it froze up my machine. That was the final straw. When I came home, I formatted the drive one last time. Then started the return process and quickly whisked it off to the UPS Store to get my refund credited back to my account. I ordered a new drive, the one I wanted in the first place and it will be here on Saturday. It’s a normal spinning hard drive there is only 12TB of space which is a lot less than the original drive I bargained for but I hope that the 12TB will be more reliable and that is the compromise along with paying a bit of a higher price that I was willing to gamble on. I think I will be very happy in the end.

Of course, no day is complete without some chaos. When I arrived home and got in front of my computer to grab this defective hard drive, I heard an alarm coming from the closet. The UPS that was powering the modem, router and water softener was dead. The power was on but the alarm signaled that the battery was dead. Despite all hope I tried to revive it but knew in my heart that wouldn’t be possible. I had to make yet another Amazon purchase and got a replacement. Oddly enough I picked something that was made for low powered devices, it was on sale for around $60 and I had delivery same day within a few hours. It’s powered up and has been charging all night. I need to take time to do the install it will mean that my home will be offline for about 15 minutes. I am thinking later this evening when things have more of a chance of being calm but you know no matter when I do the work I will be cursed and something will come in needing my attention.

I finally was able to get settled in next to Gator around 6p and started watching 9-1-1 but only got in a few minutes when I got an alert from Twich that Andrewgoesplaces (Andrew Neighbors) was live. Man, he hasn’t streamed in a very long time. I got to his channel and paused the TV. It was really good to see him. I figured the stream would last a few minutes but it went on for 2 hours. I wound up turning the TV off and watching his stream as my evening entertainment. I am not a gamer or as he says gaymer but I was more there to listen to him talk and he did spend a good portion of the stream just talking and not playing a game. He has had some drama happen to him, which kind of caused him to take a pause from being online. It kind of makes sense why his YouTube channel name changed to Andrew. I didn’t know the back story but now that I do it all makes sense. It was a great way to spend the evening and I felt refreshed. Kind of a bonus to the day. I always enjoy watching his streams. He’s quite pleasing to the eyes. He even showed his chest and arms towards the end of the stream and it was pretty quick. He never disappoints with showing skin!

As if seeing Andrew wasn’t good enough, earlier in the evening, I got a call from a jeweler that had my late mother-in laws diamond ring on consignment for close to 10 years with the news that it finally sold. I remember the day I dropped it off and needing money right away, my heart sank when they told me it could be up to a year before it sold. I got out of that jam and into many more but here we are almost 10 years later and it finally sold. I am not getting nearly what it was worth as I had to settle and with it being on the market, I reduced the price in the past few years so I am getting even less. I can’t remember what I opted for but the check will be in the mail today and I should have it by the weekend or so I hope. I got to the point where I forgot about the ring being there but when it would spark my memory from time to time, I would call to check on it. I am surprised that it took this long to sell but it was an old-fashioned diamond ring that was kind of out of present fashion style or so the jeweler told me.

While I hope that seeing Andrew and the ring selling is the wind changing direction and perhaps things are on the upswing for me and I want nothing more, I think that it’s just good fortune that happens to all of us from time to time. It would be nice if I was wrong and if life was a bit rosier than it has been of late I for sure I am not holding my breath. Just taking it one day at a time and dealing with whatever comes my way but I for sure hope that the good far outweighs the bad.

It's really cold here today and feels much more like December. A nice day for soup and blankets. I was really sleeping pretty well. The alarm clock had to wake me up and that almost never happens it’s either my own internal alarm clock or Gator that wake me the most. I really didn’t want to get out of bed but hey I got to sleep an hour longer today despite being up a few times during the night with Gator.

Here’s hoping for a great day for all of us. Middle of the week and last day of November. It’s all downhill from here as we count down the final days of the year and go marching into 2023. Take care and we will talk again soon. Stay warm!

It’s A Sin

HBOMax–Trailer | It’s A Sin

Earlier this week I saw social media was a buzz with a Gay TV Series on HBOMax called It’s A Sin.  Not knowing what I was getting myself into I started to watch.  It’s based in London and that is normally enough to cause me to stop watching, but I pressed on.  This is a drama series about the AIDS Crisis as it played out in London back in the 1980’s.  Holy Shit, it was terrifying.  More so now I think because of the COVID crisis.  There’s good music, good looking boys (men) and great dialog.  The part that I didn’t like was all of the sickness & death but that is part of the story.  It shows how real it was, it shows that if you got it you were isolated from the world in a hospital room that was locked 24/7 and no one really entered, they just waited for you to die.  When you did they came in donning hazmat suits and gloves, they tossed you into a box, scrubbed the room down to disinfect and it sat ready for the next victim. 

Since I presume most of my audience is gay, as am I.  I mean with a blog titled New Homo Blogo if I wasn’t gay it would be rather odd, don’t you think?  Back on point.  It’s difficult enough figuring out your sexual identity, coming to terms with it and then beginning to come out to those you love and care about (normally family and friends).  Mix in religion and you of course learn it’s a sin to engage in homosexual sexual acts.  It took me a while to realize that.  It’s not a sin to be gay, it’s a sin to act upon it.  It’s no wonder so many kids & adults are mentally fucked up because of this.  Then throw in a gay plague, that if you catch it you’ve sentence yourself to death.  My now you have to figure out if 5 minutes of pleasure is worth a death sentence.  Thankfully there has been much progress in AIDS research with treatments and preventions that were in much better shape than when this was first discovered.  I was in High School at the time and remember hearing about it in the locker room for the first time. 

The interesting part of this drama filled series for me was those that I knew were gay, I never suspect who would actually get it and die.  I was also disheartened that there are only 5 episodes but they are each an hour but seemed much longer to me.  I binge watched the show as I was all in.  Just like Queer As Folk, they did a great job of making the simulated sex hot and very real. 

A trailer of the series is at the top of the page (in case you didn’t notice).  The Pet Shop Boys song with the same name appears at the bottom.  The music was really good, there were some familiar tunes. 

If your looking for something to watch, give this series your time.  It didn’t exactly help my depression but it did occupy my mind so that I didn’t think so much of my isolation due to COVID.  If you watch, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Pet Shop Boys–It’s A Sin

Being Gay - what does it mean?

After the death of my spouse, I wrote a book.  It was therapeutic.  Below is a chapter taken from my book verbatim.  The book was written a few years ago but the general nugget of knowledge I am trying to impart still holds true today.  My hope is that this will help someone out there.  My belief in God has changed a bit over the years.  I am still somewhat on the fence.

I also decided to look up the definition of the word GAY and here’s what it says according to Dictionary.com

 

  

Being gay only applies to my sexuality and my sexual preference.  Outside of that, it doesn’t define who I am, what I like or anything else.  It just defines the sex of the person I want to have sexual relations with.  I know that there are people that say it’s wrong; it’s against the Bible, God Hates Fags, etc. My personal feeling is that gay people were created to be martyrs and when you discriminate, hate or treat us differently you are doing that to God.  For that, I believe those that do shall be punished.  I think that one day; we (gay people) will reap rewards for the hell we have been put through here on earth.  Now just because that is my opinion doesn’t make it so.  However, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality.  I suppose I am biased there.  It’s how I was born and just like you can’t pick your parents you can’t pick your sexual preference.  It’s not a mental disease.  You are not sick or twisted.  You can’t pray the gay away.  You can’t convert yourself because while on the outside you may appear to be living a “straight” life inside your true desires for a person of the same sex linger.  That is something that no “straight” life will be able to quench.

Gay people who are trying to hide their secret become exceptionally good at deception and lying over time.  Some people might suspect but until you confirm it no one knows for certain.  Depending upon the circumstances, it is sometimes best to keep people guessing.     

If you are gay, the sooner you and those that love you come to terms with it the sooner you and they will be able to move forward in life.  Coming out is a very personal decision and something that you have to do when you feel it’s right.  If it’s never right, well then so be it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do.  

If you have thoughts of committing suicide, realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I understand that in the heat of the moment, with all of the pressure weighing on you, that you feel it’s your only option.  Stop and think about those around you, those that depend on you and how they will get by.  I’m certainly not a doctor or a mental health expert.  I mean if you’re bound and determined to take your own life and you won’t entertain opinions or thoughts from others or won’t reach out for help before you rush to your decision then there is very little I or anyone can do to stop you.  It’s like a runaway train.  Think of what it will do to whoever discovers your lifeless body.  Then there is also the possibility depending upon the method you have chosen, that you may not be successful and you could wind up having to live your life with a disability, disfigurement, etc.  There are a lot of factors to weight before rushing into a decision that will determine your future. 

Growing up gay is NOT easy.  People are always making fun of you because you are different.  I promise you that it does get better as you get older.  I hear college is a real fun time, I wouldn’t know because I never went.  Once you are an adult in the working world, I think is when you will find that things are truly as good as they are going to get.  Society as a whole is starting to come to terms with Equality.  Marriage isn’t for everyone but it’s nice that those of us that want to get married in many states can.  I think we are just mere years away from society viewing gay as becoming common place.  It’s like growing up with regular TV and then one day you get Cable and don’t realize how you ever lived without it.  I think society one day will wake up and say who cares and move on.  

I love to hear coming out stories.  They are often filled with drama but in the end, it’s about a person letting those they care about know their sexual preference.  Why do we (meaning gay people as a whole) feel compelled to share this?  I mean “straight” people don’t walk around and advertise that they are straight; it’s just something that is assumed.  I suppose it’s because we want and need acceptance and to know that no matter what those that we care about love us unconditionally.  

If I can help someone deal with their sexuality through this book that would be awesome.  I had next to no one there for me when I was feeling all of those strange feelings and thinking it was wrong.  Being raised Roman Catholic didn’t help either.  Talk about guilt!  

The bottom line is to talk to someone about your feelings.  Don’t let it go all bottled up because that is a recipe for disaster.  That applies to most problems in life.  Holding it in does no good and is self-destructive.  Do not think that you are all alone or that you are the first person to experience this because you are not.  I know there are many emotions that come with being gay.  So your different, you are as God wanted you to be.  Society today deals with that in a much more accepting way than when I was growing up. 

I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone.  If they won’t or don’t want to listen then move on to another person.  Consider looking online for resources.  There is a program for youth called The Trevor Project and they can and do help a lot of younger folks.  Talking is therapeutic and necessary for survival.    

The Weekend Summary

What a weekend!  Friday and a good portion of Saturday were taken up by the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why.  The final season, #4 was released and I of course had to watch it.  The show was interesting to me but it also evoked lots of emotion, especially in the death scenes.  The cast and crew did an amazing job in putting this show together.  It addresses a lot of issues that young people as well as people in general experience.  The show is aimed at young people.  There are plenty of gay characters in the series.  I don’t recall any actual gay sex scenes in season 4 but there were same sex kissing scenes.  Plenty of shirtless guys as well. 

Saturday, I didn’t leave the house at all.  I didn’t go to the basement for any reason.  I spent the bulk of my time in my room with the cats.  I had some difficulty sleeping Friday night and of course as nature would have it [or should I say Gator] I was up at the crack of dawn.  I didn’t get tired until the afternoon came and then I just got to nod off for a short time because my silly phone went off. 

It was lonely but also refreshing in a way just to be here with the cats and doing what I wanted to do.  I got the house as cold or as hot as I wanted, ate junk food and drank way too much diet soda.  I did want to go out and that was the plan but when push came to shove, I just didn’t have the motivation and I thought, you know that is okay. 

I cut my hair again.  It looked like it needed it but really there wasn’t much up there.  Classic case of what you see in the mirror doesn’t reflect reality.  Like body dysmorphia but only in my case hair.  I went a little shorter on the sides.  The back is a complete disaster but it’s plausible and acceptable.  Just a classic round look but the line isn’t necessarily straight, but then again neither am I.  It’s not like I have a job interview or some big public appearance to make, and since I don’t look at the back I don’t care.  When it’s time to go back to the office then I will let a professional take care of my hair.  For the time being it’s just a boy and his clippers.  I’m okay with that. 

Sunday was the day to catch up.  I again had problems sleeping and Marv had me up earlier than I wanted.  I fed the cats and tried to go back to bed but that was futile.  My body knew it was time to be awake so I was awake.  I did get in some cuddle time with Marv.  He licked my arm and hands as if they were spare ribs.  That is classic Marvin!  He’s always done that and it’s one of many things I enjoy about his personality.  He has adjusted to coming up to my chair so that I can pet him or just to hold his paw and comfort him.  He for sure is a daddy’s boy.  The same can be said for Gator but she on the other hand just loves people, but has to get to know you and what you can do for her, then she will worm her way into your heart and never let go. 

I got up eventually and had breakfast.  I was walking with chocolate milk in one hand and a hot sandwich in another to the table, when I stepped on a piece of hardened cat food and it just about brought me to my knees.  It hurt like I stepped on a sharp rock.  Chocolate milk was everywhere it shouldn’t have been but thankfully it was an easy clean up mess.  I wasn’t terribly happy but that’s the way it goes. 

Made it through the grocery store.  They have stopped digital coupons for the last 2 weeks, which is very odd.  I grabbed the mail and my renewal license plate sticker was there.  Came home put away the groceries, sat on the couch with Marv and Gator.  Played on my phone to see what was new on social media and also surfed for porn.  Then it was time to try to take a nap.  My lower back was killing me. 

After said short nap, I awoke and ventured out to the cat food store and to Wendy’s to grab a Chicken Sandwich.  It was every bit as good I thought it would be and more.  I am still dying to try Popeye’s chicken sandwich and eventually we will make that happen.  Got the cat food put away, house cleaned and trash out.  Finishing up on laundry and playing on the PC.

It’s been summer time hot here, even though summer doesn’t officially start until the 20^th.  Were supposed to be cooling down.  My AC has been running more than I want it to.  However, it does keep me comfortable.  I can’t say the same for Gator because she hates cold, despite the fact she has a built-in heater that runs year-round.  She still manages to somehow get cold or chilly and then seeks refuge in my bed under the covers.  I’ll admit when I was watching TV on Saturday it was cold and I got under the covers it felt really good to snuggle up all by myself.  That didn’t last long though she had to be by my side.  Turning on her sleeping pill charm.  Problem is that I give her a little bit of room and the next thing you know she is trying to push me out of my own bed. 

I hope that you had a great weekend.  Here’s hoping that this week is better not only for everyone in general but for the world.  Things are way out of control.  Stay safe and be well.  I will talk with you again soon. 

 

 

Gayness

I am not sure why but from time to time I think about being gay.  I wonder if I was tricked into it.  Then I think back to a memory when I was probably around 5 or possibly 4 years old.  I was playing at home and an adult (not sure if it was my mom or grandma) said something about girls giving me cooties.  I distinctly remember responding ick, girls are bad, I like boys.  Then there is the time when I was in grade school (now called middle school) and a very tall kid was at the chalk board (do they still have those, today?) doing a math problem and the room was quiet.  I remember I was sleepy and for some reason felt compelled to yell out dang your really tall.  I remember I was looking mostly at his ass but there was something about his legs. 

Because of these memories I don’t think I was tricked into it, I truly believe 100% that I was born this way.  This is not a choice and it’s not necessarily an easy life but I have learn to accept myself for who I am.  I think back from my childhood through my adult life and I am proud to be who I am. 

Now if I should just find the right man to share my life with I think I know I would be a much happier person.  I kind of think I will be single for a very long time if not for the rest of my life.  I also have my doubts about ever having sex again.  While I know that a good portion of the gay population is about hook-ups, that is not me.  It sounds hot but at the same time you don’t know what your getting yourself into and how an encounter like that can be enjoyable but at the same time have devastating consequences.  All I can do is try to find a boyfriend and if it happens great and if not well then I guess I have to deal with it. 

I do very much remember growing up and how difficult it was.  Kids today I think have it slightly easier because they can come out and a wider majority of the population has a greater acceptance and toleration rate than say when I was growing up. 

I think back to the first time I had sex and how awesome it felt and at the same time how apprehensive I was.  I think of the guy that I had that experience with a lot.  We were childhood friends and we did it more than once.  Although he claimed to be straight and denied that we were having gay sex, he didn’t object.  At first it was not a big deal.  Eventually he got to the point where he didn’t want me to have my eyes open.  I always peeked and was caught a few times.  Those were certainly the good old days.  He had a very common name and therefore is difficult to track but I have tried over the years with no luck.  I’d love to know how his life turned out and I think he would be interested in how mine turned out.

I also remember that I had a secret that I couldn’t tell anyone (I also was a bed wetter for a very long time) because it would change how people treated me.  I remember feeling different.  There is my hair color, the fact that I learned at a different rate than everyone else and then my sexuality.  Wrap all of that up in a neat little bow and I felt like a freak.  Despite the fact that most people thought I would be a looser, I actually turned out damn well.  That’s not to say my life was easy by any means because it wasn’t.  Not only did I not have a normal family unit but I was also physically abused and grew up with a mother who used illegal drugs in front of me, not to mention we went on drug deals together.  There was palpable tension in the air at each deal.  I had a dealer threaten to cut out my tongue if I snitched and guess what I snitched anyway.  I was the kid that you wouldn’t want to play hide and seek with because I my laughing would give away my location every time.  You couldn’t do the wrong thing in front of me because I would always tell.  I’m not sure why I can’t look the other way when people do the wrong thing, but then again I am also glad that I can’t.  I really wish that I would have had a more “normal” childhood but I am thankful for what I experienced because it is what shaped and made me the person I am today. 

I remember wanting to kill myself more than once because life seemed insurmountable and unlivable.  I still have those feelings today from time to time.  When I was younger because growing up seemed way too difficult to accomplish.  Now that I am grown up, it because of the fact that I am all alone and at times it feels like everyone and everything is picking on me.  I tell everyone that my cats are my reason for living, it’s really true because they are the last living memory I have with my late spouse and I also made a commitment to them.  I won’t give up on them or abandon them, it’s not in me.  I do have great concerns about what happens when they all pass away, considering they are older it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  People tell me I will get another cat and life will go on but I do have my doubts.  My point here is it’s not easy being gay but there are many other people in this world that are attracted to their same sex.  There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s not sick, twisted or abnormal and it’s not a mental health problem.  It can’t be cured or prayed away.  I did try to pray it away but that didn’t work out.  I always wanted to be “normal” because life seemed to go much better and happier for those that were “normal”.  There is no such thing as “normal” it doesn’t exist.  Just because your attracted to the same sex, doesn’t automatically make you a pedophile or a sicko.  I get that as we get older we want a younger partner it’s mostly about looks which plays a big part in sex and sexuality.  I am actually all about younger but I want my partner to be of legal age and preferably in their 30’s or early 40’s. 

Why am I rambling on about this?  That is a very good question.  I just wanted to put it out there with the hopes that it will help someone.  A couple of common themes I find in being gay is that a lot of us are about helping people and a lot of us have been abused or come from broken families.  It’s a common thread and nothing more.  Vanity/looks are much more important in the gay community that I think of any other community in the world.  Being good looking, thin or muscular will work in your favor, whereas if you are overweight or morbidly obese your chances of finding someone are less.  Also for some silly reason once you turn 30 it’s like you have died in the gay community.  Age is truly only a number.  I still feel like the same teenager I was just older and with some medical and weight issues.  I’ve learned the person inside never, ever changes you will forever see yourself as young and feel like your trapped in an old body. 

Life truly isn’t fair but like any game it’s how you play it that determines the final outcomes.  You live each and everyday, not once like the saying says.  You do only die once.  So each day were all given a new chance to change what it is we don’t like if it’s within our control and most things are, even though they might seem like they aren’t.  Stand tall, be proud of who you are.  Only you know your surroundings best and if you feel comfortable and know it’s safe then come out.  Coming out is a lot like life in that you will do it many times in your life and each time you will get the same funny feeling and have the same apprehension and wonder will this person accept me or will they reject me.  It’s normal.  Being accepted is the very best feeling in the whole world.  Being rejected not so much.  You also have to be careful that people don’t fake you out by pretending to accept you to your face but behind your back they disparage you.  Growing up is scary stuff but hey if I can do it, then anyone can do it.  Be you because you are the best you there is and ever will be and no one else despite how much they try or want to, they can’t be you. 

I was also in therapy in my teenage years.  Oddly enough my therapist was gay.  His partner died suddenly and without warning.  He was devastated but managed to bounce back.  He is the person that told me I am gay, to which I denied it.  I didn’t want to be different.  However, he was right.  I was thinking of him on my commute to work on Friday.  Wondering where he is in the world and how things turned out for him.  He was in his late to mid 40’s when he was helping me.  I remembered being enamored by him and I just wanted to know everything about him, what he liked to eat, what shampoo he used, where he got his haircut, where he lived and I even orchestrated a whammy to get him to drive me home one night after our session, but that didn’t work out in my favor.  I hope that he was able to move on and find love again.  I could try to track him down but I don’t know that it would be worth it.  We did stay in touch for a while, until I had my meeting Jesus experience and then I wanted nothing to do with him.  Now I feel horrible in saying that because in truth there wasn’t anything wrong with him but it was probably better that we didn’t keep in touch.  I am thankful that I had the therapy experience because it helped me to grow and again become who I am today.  Life can be overwhelming at times and there is nothing wrong with therapy or finding someone to talk to in a safe space.  At the end of the day we all want to be loved and accepted.  Something as simple as a hug makes a world of difference. 

While I am hopeful that this has helped someone, I suppose it’s something that I will never know, so I just put this out there and hope for the best.  Thanks for stopping by and reading my rambles, a comment or two or three would be equivalent of a hug for me but don’t feel obligated.  I am not looking to guilt anyone into that.  Be well, be proud and be you!  Love yourself and then you will be able to love others. 

Ye old Update

So Friday the 13th turned out to be a lucky day for me.  My pay stub indicated that I got a $50 gift card but the card I received is actually $25.  So I inquired how to get my pay stub fixed and I was told that it would actually cost more to fix my pay stub so they are sending me another $25 gift card.  Hey that works.  Outside of that nothing really remarkable happened on Friday, it was just another normal day. 

Saturday, I woke up at 7a to Ms. Gator scratching on my door wanting her breakfast.  Needy bitch!  I got up and gave into her.  I came back to bed but there was no going back to sleep but I did try.  So I got up and started the day with my phone seeing what was going on in the world.  I found a super hot porn scene that I thought about watching but talked myself out of.  I got dressed and had my morning pills.  Then out the door and on to a restaurant for breakfast.  Afterwards I stopped by the eye doctor to see about the new frames they ordered in.  These were blue but not blue enough.  I don’t get why things pop on a website but in reality they aren’t that way.  That is deceptive.  So they found another pair that might be an option for me and they ordered them in.  I’ll likely be going back next weekend to make a decision.  I was sort of prepared to do it today but the lady helping me talked me out of it.  Might as well get what I am after.  The 2 frames I tried on today were both plastic and they felt great, super lightweight and nothing like my metal frames.  After that was done, I just came home.  I had other errands to run but foolishly talked myself out of doing them.  Well then a storm blew in this evening and there was no going back out for me.  I don’t do rain unless it’s a must.  Shopping in the rain is something I am not a huge fan of.  I had a momentary power outage from the storm. 

To help make up for my mistake, I decided to get busy around the house.  I took time to look at my computer power connections and figured out that things were plugged into the surge only protection side of the UPS.  So I moved that around and tested it.  Works like a charm now.  Hopefully this will be the end of me having to reboot because my monitors went south due to a power glitch. 

I had plenty of feline time and they all have soaked it up.  Ruth and I got into it because she thought I was after her.  I was talking sweet to her and she decided to shift into bitch mode, so I shifted in to the same mode.  She ran under the couch growling and hissing.  I keep telling her I need to trim her nails, trying to prepare her but I don’t think there is any preparing her.  I just have to do it and I really am not thrilled about it.  However, for her safety it needs to happen and it shall tomorrow.  If those claws curl under it will be a nightmare for both of us and I’d like to avoid that at all costs.  

Sunday will be breakfast, grocery store and home.  Then I will need to make a 2nd trip out to get cat food which is something I put off today.  I’ll get gas and then come home.  I should be set for the rest of the day. 

A friend called me earlier in the week and I called him back to tell him about my pay raise.  First thing he says is that is great, lets celebrate.  We should go out.  Yeah I get a couple extra dollars and he wants to spend it for me.  So looks like next weekend we will be going out.  At least it’s something to look forward to. 

Speaking of looking forward, I jumped back on Match dot com  I haven’t paid them any $ but am considering it.  There are several nice looking guys and apparently someone is interested in me, but unless you pay you can’t see or communicate with them.  That’s how they get you.  I understand, it’s a business.  If I get what I want out of it then it’s money well spent.  So decisions, decisions. 

I’m considering being a volunteer to help out gay youth deal with their sexuality.  It’s been on my mind ever since I saw the documentary about Love Loud.  So long as there is no minimum time commitment required I will throw my name in the hat.  However, work comes first.  I think I would feel really good about myself and if I wanted to it would be nice to add to my resume or work bio.  Time will tell. 

So it’s 11p on a Saturday night and my eyes are going.  I should get upstairs and work on getting some sleep.  It’s funny how I used to be able to stay up for hours with no problem but as I get older I feel the struggle and if I am up way too late and don’t get enough sleep, I feel it the next day and getting going is a super struggle.  Thankfully it’s the weekend and I can pretty well do what I want.  However, I’m still tied to my phone since I’m on-call. 

I hope your doing okay in this summer heat.  Just hang in there Fall is on the way but we have the rest of this month and next month to get through.  The place I ate at today had Thanksgiving items out.  Wow, that is early as Thanksgiving isn’t until November.  I guess the early bird gets the worm.  Thanks for stopping by.  I will chat with you all again soon. 

Embarrassed

I took my shot today and asked out the cute guy from Cracker Barrel.  I approached him when there was no one around and asked him if he’d like to grab a bite to eat sometime.  He looked confused and dazed then he responded I’m not sure what your asking me.  I said I am asking you out on a date.  He responded I am only 16.  Then he worked in am besides that I am straight.  There was a little bit of an attitude.  Huh?  I apologized and got the hell out of there.  Not sure that I will go back again anytime soon.  It was easy to tell that I offended him but that wasn’t my intention and I didn’t ask for sex I asked for a date.  Lord knows what he is going to tell mommy and daddy, let alone his co-workers. 

Every situation teaches you something.  What I learned from this is to perhaps ask how old a person is before I approach them unless I am positive of his age.  This was certainly awkward for both of us, but I’m selfish and only worried about myself.  I like younger guys and I am not ashamed of that, it’s who I am.  By younger I mean legal younger 20’s or 30’s not any younger than that. 

I feel pretty awful about the situation but I realize life goes on and this too shall pass.  It just sucks, I kind of expected to be turned down but I never expected to hear that he was 16 that just flabbergasted me. 

I went on some stereotypical behavior along with the fact that I thought he was just cute.  First, there was the fact he was wearing an earing and second his hair cut had a gay vibe to it.  Yeah I realize not all gay guys fall into the stereotype.

Noting ventured nothing gained.  I am back on Grindr and looking for love there but I think it will be a waste of time.  I thought I could get another 1 week trial out of them but that didn’t go so well and I wound up committing to  a non-refundable month subscription.  The cost isn’t bad and who knows maybe I will find someone, I don’t have my hopes up.

I have other things to do today but I think I am going to put in some eye drops and take a nap.  Perhaps I will feel a bit better when I wake up.  UGH I just can’t believe how this went down.

Relax, Unwind and get ready for another week

It has been a hell of a week.  Lots of departures to process on Friday.  Thursday we got short handed, as in I was the only one around so I thought.  Issues just cropped up left and right, all of them urgent and all of them requiring immediate attention.  I was on fucking overload and was quite vocal.  Thankfully one of my co-workers was around and helped out after I called him.  It still was quite a mess to deal with.  I had one lady with an infected computer who refused to talk with me on the phone and refused to give me access to her machine.  I fixed her clock, I sent up an urgent request and got her machine yanked from the network 1 2 3.  Then top it all off, she left for the day.  Oh I was pissed.  I had other people calling me asking questions about my action and trying to debate that you can only change your password 1 time per day.  Fucking bullshit.  You can change your password as a user at least twice per day, if you have admin access you can change it as often as you like.  I just hate stupid people!

I worked late on Friday and my eyes were hurting, my thumb was aching from moussing so much and I could have given up at anytime but I wanted to see the task through for personal satisfaction and the fact that come Monday there is other shit to take care of and people will be bothering the piss out of me.  My work gets back logged because I am the only one that can do certain portions and that is nice but at the same time it creates a tremendous amount of pressure.  As if you didn’t pick up on that already.  <wink>

Saturday was a little bit of a morning challenge but I got everything done.  Momma got her blood drawn, she was such a good girl.  I got to pick up my new eye glasses and they look sharp! I finally got to the post office, first time all week long.  I also ordered a foot long hot long with chili and cheese, ate the whole damn thing and it was awesome!  Got served but a straight but cute as fuck young waiter.  Plus there was another hottie working that I had my eye on.  Then I worked in a nap and woke up and went out for pizza.  I wanted the drive more than the pizza.  Pizza honestly wasn’t appealing to me but it was good and I have left overs for supper on Monday & Tuesday. 

I fired off a letter to the top brass at the credit card company that I closed my account at.  I sent proof that I was promises in writing that they would waive the next annual fee but they neglected to do that.  Not sure that it will do any good at all but it sure did go a long way to make me feel good.

Decided to apply for a Discover Card and they surprisingly turned me down.  Not because my credit is bad but because I filed bankruptcy and they were one of my creditors.  AMEX holds the biggest grudge for this.  Hey I got in with Chase by sending a letter asking for an appeal and I am trying the same thing with Discover.  Not sure if the outcome will be the same but nothing ventured, nothing gained.  My credit score is on the rise.  One bureau has it at 690 and the other I am in the 700’s.  Makes me feel good, it’s been a lot of hard work and I honestly never saw myself back here again. 

The other observation I have made is that I am able to pay for more things now with cash, instead of charging them and paying the bill off when it comes.  I would much rather to the cash thing to avoid surprises down the line.  It’s how my grandfather lived, he hated credit but if it was necessary he wasn’t above getting a loan.  Grandma on the other hand used credit like it was going out of style but that’s because she wanted to spoil her grandsons and she really didn’t have the money.  I understand more today that I did when I was growing up.  I had some really awesome grandparents, even though my grandfather and I didn’t see eye to eye, primarily because of my sexuality. 

I stumbled on a porn scene that included one of my favorite starts.  I mean I just see him in action and my whole body melts.  I want him so bad.  I found out that he had a rent men profile and I looked him up.  Then I pressed the button that said call me and got his cell phone number.  A little detective work and I found his real name.  Then I went on a social media hunt for him.  What I really want is into his Twitter but like me he’s restricted his account.  I asked for access but not sure if he will grant it, I get it that it’s his personal life.  He lives in CA and if I wanted to engage him he escorts for $250 per hour.  Fuck that is a lot of money for companionship or sex.  You’d think he was an attorney or a CPA at those hourly rates.  Then again most escorts charge a large amount per hour.  I understand there are high risks in that profession but damn.  I’m glad he is in CA which is far away from me, otherwise there would be some temptation on my part.  Plus I honestly think that before it’s all said and done I will wind up in CA – it just sounds like a utopia to me and being gay is no big deal, which is another reason why it’s appealing to me.  Life just seems like it would be better for me out there.  Then again the grass on the other side always looks greener, that’s because it’s fertilized with bullshit. 

About my crush at work.  Fuck that kid has me really upside down.  I think about him non-stop as if he is an obsession.  Well he is.  I’ve got a huge crush on him.  So I decided to send him an email it was all above board and I was nice mentioning a little know benefit we get that they don’t talk about in orientation.  I worked in if he ever wanted to talk, had a question or if I could help him for him to reach out.  That was my subtle pickup line.  I know there is no chance in hell that we would ever physically meet much less have sex.  But I’d love to be friends with him.  I didn’t even get so much as a thank you back, which was disappointing.  I don’t expect that I will hear from him, but I did elect to go balls out and follow him on twitter.  He will be able to put 2 and 2 together and know it’s me.  There are no meaningful tweets but just in case one day he decided to write something I’ll know.  I am following him on Snapchat and Instagram.  I get a little giddy watching his snaps.  I realize I have to be careful because too much attention here has the ability to cause me major problems.  At the end of the day he’s just another blond hair blue eyed twink that I want.  I’ve seen many of them and he’s not worth adversely impacting my income.  

Sunday ah yes the one more day that everyone wants.  I really don’t want to go back tomorrow and I’ve got plenty of PTO to burn so I could easily take 1 full week off and be fine.  However, shit wouldn’t get done, plus I everything is better when I am working.  I got an email from Walgreens that they are going to switch up their rewards points and that I will loose a bunch of points if I don’t use them soon.  I stopped in today and got me a bottle of Focus Factor.  It’s a fancy multi-vitamin that purports to increase your focus and concentration.  I mean I don’t think anything short of a prescription can do that but hey I wanted to give it a whirl.  Turns out you have to take 4 pills per day.  Are you kidding me?  Nope 4 is the recommended dose for an adult [even though sometimes I act like a child].  90 pills was $40 but it was on sale for $10 off, plus I used points and got it down to $25.  I am going to try it but I don’t expect a miracle and I am only taking 2 pills per day.  I talked with a pharmacist before I checked out and was told either take your vitamin or take this but don’t do both.  The last thing I want is to wind up with vitamin poisoning or some other adverse reaction.   I’ll tell you how it goes, that is if I remember to. 

I put off the dreaded task of trimming claws until today.  Ruth was not happy and she expressed her usual displeasure and tried to kill me.  Her claws were way out of control and if she would have gotten me in the struggle to trim, I would have been seeking medical attention no question.  I mean if she ever gets me there will be medical attention required for me.  She was squirmy and didn’t want to sit still.  I got both front paws done [which is all that I do] and I went to put some flea medicine on her and she got away from me.  I didn’t bother to go after her again as it would only further elevate her anger and blood pressure.  Have you ever seen an animal angry, I mean to the point where they wanted to kill you?  That is where Ruth is when you try to hold her hostage.  Let her roam and give her an escape route, she’s fine she might hiss at you but it’s all good.  Trap her and your in for the fight of your life.  I thank God that my late partner had the welding gloves or I would have been a goner a long time ago.  No matter where she is if she sees me putting on those gloves, she knows what is going to follow and she hides quickly.  I mention it all week long but it never seems to have any effect.  I’ve learned there is a right way and a wrong way to approach her.  The right way is what I follow.  If you try to sneak up on her that will really get the venom flowing and she will be extra hyper.  She’s such a sweet girl I don’t understand why she gets so angry when it comes to trimming her claws.  Get her at the vet and she wants Daddy to protect her, she is a totally different cat.  Plus she will let them do what they need but I always warn them she’s a biter.  Glad I got her vaccinated earlier this year but I don’t plan on repeating the process this coming year.  What a girl.  She is a Marine of a cat.  I guess she thinks she is a lion when she is just a small but fat kitty.  Despite her poor attitude and anger, I still love her and we do have some good times together.  I just have to wait for forgiveness and by tomorrow morning this will all be a distant memory and life will be good again. 

I’ve got to tend to laundry, clean jewelry and get ready for what ever it is I am having for supper.  There is plenty of playing on the PC but my time gets gobbled up pretty quickly.  I did see a good movie last night on Amazon called ‘Do you take this man’  It had Mackenzie Astin in it and he’s one of my teen crushes and it just like something I would enjoy.  By the end it made me appreciate even more what I had with my late partner, I wasn’t crying but I was trying to.  I sure do miss him.  I don’t know if I will ever find someone that I click with like I did with him but I certainly hope so. 

Here’s hoping it’s a great week ahead and that nothing but good will happen this week.  I know it sounds like a fantasy but hey I can dream for no charge!  Take care. 

Hormonal Dilemma

If you have any advice I am interested in hear from you.  Part of my job entails working with employee photos.  I like to look at them before I post them where they need to go, just to make sure everything matches up.  The other day I discovered this blond bombshell 21 year old guy with blue eyes and he is absolutely all I have thought about off and on since I saw him.  I have followed him on some social media but he doesn’t necessarily know it’s me.  One of the apps is SnapChat.  You’d think since I am tech savvy I would know how to use this app and you would be wrong.  I know how to watch other peoples videos and have no interest in posting one of my own.  Well I discovered Snap Chat has a chat feature.  Chats are deleted but you do have an option to save them.  He is far away from me and the chances we will both be in the same city are slim to none.  Based on my detective work odds are fairly high that he is gay.  I’d like to be friends and let him know that I think he’s fucking gorgeous.  I just can’t seem to let him go and admire from a far.  Plus having a friend, if he will be just that is nice. 

I saw an issue that he logged the other day, I pounced all over the ticket.  We have video phones and I spoke with him very briefly on the phone.  It’s a wonder I didn’t fain or get tonged tied.  We had a normal conversation.  I was just beside myself.  I didn’t need to call him, I could have emailed him but I figured that calling would be better.  It was a challenge of sorts, plus I wanted to hear what he sounded like. 

What I don’t want to happen here is to come out to the wrong person or hit him up for friendship and have him spin this into harassment.  I am not looking to loose my job all because of him.  I am looking at both sides of the picture and thinking before I make a move.  Ah, damn hormones. 

Work is busy as ever and my boss sees how much I am taking on, he’s worried about burnout and that I will jump ship.  Right now there is not a chance in hell that I would jump ship, I am happy from an employment perspective.  I wish I could find the same happiness in my personal life and then I would be complete!  It’s like I told someone the other day, the grass may be greener on the other side but that is because it’s fertilized with bullshit. 

I promised the kids that we would watch Suits together.  They are all a little miffed at me because I didn’t have time for them last night.  Between a personal call and work, damn the evening was swallowed up fast.  It’s hard to comprehend that today is Wednesday.  Time in general seems to be slipping away from me.  I really want to find someone to make memories with.  A friend asked me the other day what are we to do since were single, what is the answer.  My response, masturbation.  Yeah it’s true it helps, it might not be the cure all but it is good to let your feelings out and to have a little pleasure in the process.  I mean you have to take care of yourself in so many different ways, this is just one of them. 

Off to wait for Harvey and Mike to appear on screen.  I really would love it if Mike would show as much skin or even more than Harvey has.  I am very much in to this show because of Mike, who is played by Patrick J. Adams.  He’s one sexy mofo.  On that note, I’m out. 

The Update Post

Happy Sunday!  The New Year is going well for me.  Unfortunately, that means that tomorrow is back to work.  Ugh.  I honestly would love to be able to stay home, especially now that the weather has turned wicked cold.  Were actually supposed to have some negative numbers.  However, in order to pay the bills and continue to be able to afford the life style that I have become accustomed to I shall shuffle off to work in the AM.

Friday I really was lazy for the most part for the morning.  When it was getting closer to leaving I got a shower and got ready to head out.  First stop was therapy.  I had my session and it was okay.  I wanted to prepare an outline or a list of topics that I wanted to talk about but I kept putting it off that there was really no point.  I scheduled the next session in a couple weeks.  Second stop was at my friends house.  They took us to Outback Steakhouse.  I used my gift card and my meal because I ordered desert cost me $5, which honestly isn’t bad at all.  Then we shuffled back to their house and talked.  I wanted to leave but I just couldn’t manage to stop the conversation until the hour was growing late.  My Third & Final stop was home.  Where the children were waiting for me and were upset because I was late, the house was dark and they didn’t get supper.  I fed them and then retreated to the basement for a bit.

Earlier in the day I got the mail and it brought me an unexpected check from my present escrow account.  The bank did their calculations and figured that they were holding on to too much money.  I honestly think they will be asking for it back, but only time will tell.  In any event I will be able to draw interest on it, so I was quick to deposit it.  Then I had to log on to the phone company’s website.  I got a call while I was out that thanked me for my recent order.  The only problem is I didn’t place an order.  When I logged in I saw an order placed on New Years Day and we all know they were closed.  The order removed everything from my home phone from the line charge all the way down to the custom calling features.  So the first thing I did was pick up the phone to see if I had a dial tone and indeed I did.  Then I called myself from my cell and wow it worked.  I checked my voice mail and it worked.  I checked a couple other features and they worked.  The order showed as completed.  I am really perplexed as to why an order was generated but who knows maybe my home phone will be free now.  I think not but one can dream.  I am very interested in seeing the next couple of bills. 

Then it was back upstairs and I watched TV for a couple hours and then went to bed.  I slept in on Saturday.  When I got up I fed the children their breakfast.  I had sweets that were not good for me, but tasted good.  I bought them and wasn’t about to throw them away.  Then I sat in front of the TV and waited for my ink to arrive.  The FedEx driver rang the door bell and everyone's ears perked up.  I wasn’t too quick but did manage to get to the door and as soon as Bear heard the first click of the dead bolt he scrambled to my room as fast as he could.  I just stepped outside and picked up the packages.  Opened everything up to make sure it was there.  Gave Bear some comfort and made sure he was okay.  Then it was time for a nap.  I wasn’t permitted to sleep that long, the children had other ideas on what I should be doing – like paying attention to them.  So I got dressed and went out.  Got the mail, stopped in to Office Max and got a rubber stamp printed (failed to use the $10 coupon in my wallet – would have saved me money) hit up the Cat Food Store, where I ran into the guy who said hi and have a good day.  Nothing more about calling me.  Well tomorrow is the 5th and that is the day he said he would be calling.  Personally, I think he is stringing me along and I don’t have high hopes for him to follow through, but time will tell.  From the cat food store I went to eat Mexican Food that I have been craving.  Holy crap I ordered up 2 Burritos, 2 Hard Tacos, Rice & Beans.  Rather than putting some of the items in a combo they charged me ala carte which ran the bill up.  What should have been $12 was $30.  So I got back by not leaving a tip.  I was seriously stuffed and sorry that I ordered so much food because of how it was feeling in my belly and also because of the small chunk it took out of my wallet.  Then I moved on to Target where I scored!  I got cat litter and a $5 target gift card, I got treats there were two more $5 gift cards.  I dropped $50 but considering that they gave me $15 I could use on future purchases I think it was totally worth it. 

I wanted to stop in at the local Chef store to pick up a new pizza cutter and a pizza stone but I talked myself out of it saying, you have spent too much already – go home.  So that is what I did.  I unloaded everything at home and then got involved with taking care of the printer.  I loaded it full of ink and emptied the waste tray.  I had to fight to get the maintenance kit back in.  I found reporting and printed out some stats on the printer.  My late partner purchased this some 7 years ago, he printed 57 thousand pages and used an ungodly amount of ink.  He replaced the maintenance kit in March of 2012 and he passed away in April of 2012.  The kit says that it’s at the 78% mark.  I printed out a few things.  One of the items I wanted to print was a screen grab that I got from a porn movie.  It was really HOT – I had printed it out on my ink jet and it’s on the wall.  I wanted to see how much better it would look if it was printed with wax ink.  However, I apparently didn’t save the file which was kind of disappointing and I don’t feel like regenerating it so I moved on.  This printer is really awesome but I still don’t know that I will be printing a whole lot on it due to the cost.  I am squared away on supplies every ink level is between 75% and 100% full.  I have a great supply of black, which is what I think I will be printing the most of.  It’s super quick once it’s warmed up and totally beats my ink jet.

Then I went and researched podcasting.  I figured out that would be a great way to get my voice out there without video.  My late partner has a lot of broadcast quality microphones and I really wanted to use one of them but I need to order an adapter.  Rather than spend more money I elected to give it a go with a headset that I got with my Dragon Naturally Speaking.  It works great.  I found myself recording and re-recording the 1st episode.  I was almost to the point where I was ready to call it quits.  I paused and prepped a word document with notes on the points I wanted to cover.  Coming up with content is going to be a little difficult, but some how I think I will manage.  Finally around 10:30p I was able to publish the first episode.  I really want to keep the podcast and the blog separated at this point.  Sorry to tease you with it, but if you really want the address leave me a comment and I will either e-mail it to you or if I get enough responses I will just post it here.  It’s aimed at Gay Guys and ideally I would like to help younger guys or guys in general who are either questioning their sexuality or dealing with coming out.  I think I know a thing or two about both subjects.  Thus far no one has listened to it and I haven’t actually promoted it, but I will be working on that.  My goal is to try to record an episode a week and really to let the audience drive what I talk about – that will take some of the work out of it in trying to think up content.  It feels really good to be able to do this.  Right now I am able to do it for free but the service I am using is after me to pay them and touting extra features. 

Considering that I was really stressed out after I got that published I went to turn in for the night.  I watched a little TV and then hit the bed.  I told the children that it was our last night to sleep together.  That tomorrow night things would be going back to normal and I would be headed back to work on Monday.  I was fortunate in that after I fended them off at 6a they allowed me to sleep until 9a.  It was a combination of LB, Momma and Insty.  When I finally did get up out of bed, Insty was broadcasting out to the world that I was alive and on the move.  Gee she is a loud mouth.  You would think she was the Siamese but nope not the case. 

I got dressed and headed out to breakfast.  I went to Cracker Barrel and yes I did see the cute waiter that I asked out but we had no contact.  I had a cute guy sitting next to me that I wanted to pounce on but he was with his family and I saw that one of his brothers had a knife so there were two good reasons not to broach the subject.  I remained quiet and observed from a distance, just taking in his beauty.  Eventually I was able to take in my food, which was good.  I didn’t get pancakes as usual because I knew that I would be down for the count when the sugar wore off.  I need to keep going all day long w/o any naps.  A break is okay but just don’t fall asleep.  I was stuffed and made my way out to pay and on to the grocery store.  It was sleeting out and it’s really super cold, I was chilly even when I was in store with my coat on, I was still cold.  I picked up enough stuff to be able to make it through the week.  I saw Heet the product that removes water from your gas tank and picked up a couple bottles of that.  I stopped for gas and put in a bottle then it was on to home, where I was finally able to warm up after a few minutes. 

I managed to take care of the litter boxes and did the dreaded claw trimming.  I also got flea medicine on everyone for the first time in a very long time.  My hope is that it will kill anything that is living on or off of any of them and it will give Momma some relief, she needs it bad.

I ventured into cleaning and found that Marv spit up 2 doses of his medicine.  I just picked them up and will reuse them on him.  He is really tricky to pill – you think he’s got it and he walks away and covertly spits it out.  No wonder he pukes.  I managed to keep busy and we are approaching 4pm.  I kind of hate that but well I have managed to accomplish most things on my list.  I still have time to keep on going.

I soaked the shower head in CLR – I actually took it down against my will.  It was really the best way to take care of the task that I had put off for far too long.  I don’t see a huge improvement but I will find out soon if there is in fact any improvement.  A nice HOT shower sounds appealing but first I have to shave and that well it’s a task that I would love to put off but it has to be done before I leave for work so I will take care of it tonight.  The shower I figure will help relax me and aid in a good nights rest, despite the fact that when I get up I will have to have a shower in order to leave the house.  Between that and a can of soda it’s what gets me going in the morning. 

I have seen it snowing and looked at the weather snow is in the forecast but I can’t see how much or if this is just going to be flurries.  In any case there will probably be enough to screw up the morning commute.  Between the volume of traffic and the volume of calls those are the two things that I really don’t looking forward to dealing with. 

Considering it was cold outside, I stocked up on Soup.  So I can eat a bowl every night to warm me up.  Plus I have a couple cans of Chili.  Soup is a quick meal it satisfies and if it’s hot enough it will eventually make me start to sweat.  However, the menu for tonight is Pizza as usual on Sunday.  Tombstone Supreme to be exact. 

There are many things that I didn’t get to accomplish with my time off.  I feel like parts of it were wasted but today I have managed to kick butt pretty good. 

I hope that the New Year is going really well for you and that your able to stay warm!  If you have an idea or would like for me to talk about something in particular, please leave a comment.  I don’t bite folks and I will even go a step further in that if you don’t want your comment published, say so and I will be sure that I am the only person who sees it. 

Almost forgot, Mr. Bear appears to be doing much better.  I have reduced him back to his normal dose of medicine.  I can see that the extra dose has turned him into a hungry cat.  He is wolfing food down and asking for more and more.  Here’s to hoping he stays better for a very long time!

With it being a return from the holiday break I am expecting an influx in the volume and really am not sure if I will be able to post tomorrow or not.  I will be back as soon as humanly possible.  Until then be kind to each other and try to stay warm.  Talk with you peeps later.