29 April 2013

Worn Out

I am still very much exhausted and really ready to check in to a hospital for some R&R but things at work & home would pile up and then I would be just as stressed as I am now.  So it wouldn’t really accomplish anything.

Today’s mail brought nothing of use, it was all junk unless you count the one piece of adult mail that my guy got.  I trashed it all and was thankful there were no bills and no one to argue with.  However, I know those things will be coming.  What I am looking for most is money, because I need it really bad.  Insurance companies are in no hurry to pay but I wish that the big silver tuna check would get here already. 

It was back to work today and I kept myself so busy and didn’t have time to watch the clock.  I looked up and it was lunch time.  Then I looked up and it was 3 and then the next check finally time to go home.  Stressful but some what productive day.

I was asked by someone who knows the full story, if things were getting easier for me.  Uh, how about you loose your wife and I will ask you the same fucking stupid question 4 weeks after she is dead.  Of course it’s not getting better.  I was polite in my response but I was thinking to myself what a dumb question.

I am surprised that more of my friends on FB haven’t said a word to me, even though I posted that I lost my guy.  I guess people either don’t know what to say or they are more surprised by the fact I am a fag.  Either way it’s left people speechless. 

Time right now I feel is my enemy, because each day it causes my heart to mourn more and more.  I miss him more and more each day.  It gets harder to function.  I really need a support group or some place where I can just let this all out.  I am still waiting on a clergy member to contact me, but am not holding my breath. 

Today the Bankruptcy attorney told me that he was going to notify the court that my guy passed away. He wanted to know what I planned on doing with the Bankruptcy.  I told him I am waiting on the Bank to tell me about the house and then I can make that decision.  Of course I can’t pay any money until the Life Insurance comes through.  If I do this I will be getting rid of $78,694 worth of debt for $6,600, which I think is a great deal but it’s giving up money that I planned on living with.  The big question is after the dust settles am I going to be able to stay here or will I have to sell the place.  Too much is up in the air and I am looking for answers and resolution, that just isn’t there yet. 

Wow I just realized that Saturday will be the one month mark since this all started.  I will be at the dentist in the morning not sure what the rest of the day holds.  I don’t think I will want to be alone but probably will be. 

My guy used to say there is nothing more lonely then a sad old fag who has no one to spend his life with.  Yeah, looks like that is me, at least for now.  There are times I enjoy being alone but more often than not I just want him back.  I still wish I would have done things differently and saw all of those signs.

I need for this pain to leave me and for my heart to heal.  I am putting up a brave front but when I am alone that just seems to be the worst time. 

Last night I notified a local college student that my guy  corresponded with and I expected a reaction but got nothing.  This guy wanted to meet us and we were supposed to be getting together for dinner, blah, blah.  Yeah, never happened.  It’s sad that you find out who cares for you and who doesn’t in a time like this.

I did get a sympathy card from my guys dentist over the weekend.  That was nice.  Well, the evening is growing late and I had to make a choice blog or jerk it.  Obviously you know my decision.  Now it’s time to prep for Tuesday and hope that it’s a good night. 

Talk with you peeps later.

27 April 2013

The Road Home

So the week of travel is finally over with.  As usual I worked my ass off, very early starts with very late endings.  I didn’t think I would actually finish what I was sent there for but I managed to pull it off.  What helped this come together was the excellent help that I got from the maintenance guys.  I also believe God helped me out as well.

The trip started on a bumpy note in the at I almost missed my flight.  I went into the bathroom, came out and heard my name being paged as last call for boarding.  That is also how the trip ended, but there was no bathroom.  I was in line to go through security and then finally, made it to the gate with moments to spare.  Oh my God I hated that.  I tried to be early but not so early that I would have to twiddle my thumbs.  Consequently I didn’t get good seating like I was in line for but at least I got a seat on each plane, which I was thankful for. 

My Guy retired from the Auto Industry, so when it came time for a rental I demanded the brand he retired from.  They only had an SUV, which I was perfectly fine with.  That damn thing was nice but too much computer.  Everything was touch screen.  The gauges were simulated, but the speedometer was real.  I had Sirrus Satellite Radio and when I returned the vehicle I made sure I left it on the Gay station.  I’d love to see the persons face when they turn on the radio.  The person before me left it on Radio Disney, which kind of indicated they had kids.  The vehicle it’s self had Alabama license plates, which made me stand out. 

The hotel was just okay.  Nothing too special.  When I got off the elevator I could smell the cigarette smoke but my room was non-smoking.  I’m not sure how the smell got there on a non-smoking floor.  Anyway, I had a safe in my room, which was nice.  I locked up my medicine and toothbrush each day before I left.  No worries on anything missing.  I came back with everything I packed.  The pillows were crap, little squares with no fluff to them.  The bed was ah okay.  Of course I picked the perfect place to stay, right next to the highway, not far from the airport and right next to train tracks.  How can I sleep?  I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep but I did enjoy what I was able to get. 

Yes in case your wondering, I did have orgasms in the room.  I brought porn on a thumb drive, I carried it with me everywhere I went so no chance on it being misplaced.  That isn’t something you would want to loose.  The last place I was working at I saw a hot C N A named William.  His face didn’t do much for me, but his body sure did!

Now that were done with sex, on to food.  Breakfast was included with the room and I had the same fucking thing each damn day I was there.  Pastry, Biscuit & Gravy, Sausage, Eggs and Milk.  Fuck, why can’t they provide variety?  I just don’t get it. 

Lunch when I was at the first place was picked up the first day by one of the maintenance guys and the second day a director bought my lunch.  Taco Bell and a Burger.  The third day I skipped lunch, so I could go to Red Lobster.  Supper was Olive Garden (hot looking waiter), Red Lobster and a BBQ Place.  So I didn’t go hog wild but I also didn’t starve myself.  If I skip a meal I do get a little sick, but I shouldn’t skip meals.  Sometimes it’s just easier to push through it.

The worst news of all is that I packed Short Sleeves, no jacket or coat.  Of course one of the days I was there it was supposed to snow.  While that didn’t happen it did rain and got very cold.  Thank God for heated seats, love those!

The children (cats) did just fine.  Big Boy had an issue with medicine and I told the person who was taking care of them to skip his medicine.  He left him winded and then called me to let me know what happened.  The dumb ass went home, which really pissed me off.  I didn’t know if my cat was dead or alive.  I suspected that since he was given time to calm down he was okay and thankfully I was right.  I trust this person but no one will ever do things like I do them.

I returned home to find the alarm system was turned off, lots of lights on in the house.  It was pretty much like it would be if I returned home and my guy was here.  With the exception of the alarm.  The children messed up my clean carpets but that was to be expected. I will be renting a carpet cleaner again soon, but it’s just not happening this weekend.  I am too exhausted  So all in all not a bad trip, no horror stories to share (thankfully) with the exception of almost missing both airplanes. 

The mail was full of bills, a couple checks and advertisement.  I cashed the checks, told the bill people that he is dead and broke, so good luck trying to collect.  Returned a couple pieces of mail, people that I have told before he is dead but they just don’t seem to listen. 

Being away from home thinking about him and the cats was depressing.  Coming back and seeing the cats and realizing that this isn’t a bad dream was even more depressing.  I miss him so much and want to talk to him so bad.  Just hearing his voice would be nice.  I knew I loved him when he was here and I can say that in the last couple of years I feel I didn’t fully appreciate him.  If I would have known the end was coming I would have certainly done a lot of things differently.  However, secretly I think I did know the end was coming.  Taking out a life insurance policy was the smartest move that I could have made, while I didn’t get face value I did get all of my money back, which was good.

Moving on to the estate …. I talked with the Bankruptcy attorney and they gave me this very large figure which I thought was inflated.  I am still researching that.  I spoke with the Estate Attorney on Friday.  Basically it’s a matter of finding out what the bank is going to do.  If I get to keep the house, then I should pay the extra money and get a hardship discharge to make a large portion of his creditors go away with no recourse.  As for everyone else (medical bills, etc.) once the house is mine it will be very difficult for them to come after his most prized asset, that being the house.  So in the end it will be good.  However, I am waiting on an answer from the bank.  I spoke with them on Friday and hope to have an answer on Monday or at least next week.  Then I can inform everyone and make my move.  I just hope and pray that if I have to shell out all of this money to get the discharge that they will allow me to pay it in one lump sum instead of spreading it out over years.  The man is dead and I want this rollercoaster to stop so I can get off and walk away.  It’s been a horrible ride from the start and I just hope it ends before I puke again.  Closing out someone’s life is NOT easy.  I suspect that the bulk of this process will be over with in a few months.  However, for the long term probably an entire year will have to pass BEFORE it’s all said and done. 

I put a call into a clergy man that I was told would help me by the person who watched the cats.  However, I left a message and am still waiting for a call back.  Since I outright told him that I lost my life partner, I don’t suspect that I will get a call back.  Why are people so afraid of gay people, we aren’t on a recruiting mission like most churches are.  My sexuality is just a small part of my life.  Yes, I obsess and am attracted to men.  However, I like other things too computers, TV, cats, restaurants, etc..  I hope this guy calls me back but I am NOT holding my breath.

I got my eyes looked at today.  Cost me $90 and one eye is a little worse but I can keep the same glasses at least for another year.  Thank goodness.  Got some new eye drops for itching, going to have that filled tomorrow so I can see yes another guy I like at the pharmacy. 

I got my haircut and took myself to Red Lobster.  I ordered way too much food and had to bring some of it home.  If I had someone to share it with, then there wouldn’t have been a problem.  I also stopped to pick up some food for the cats. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to breakfast, the pharmacy and grocery shopping.  I so hate shopping.  Now that it’s all on my shoulders and I am on my own it’s just a little bit more scary.  Plus I will be looking to run into someone that we saw all the time and tell her about what happened.  I think I will loose it when I talk with her.

Ending on a positive note, I got all of my new insurance cards so come Wednesday I will be covered on my own and paying for it out of my pocket.  Same coverage as I have today just new cards and a new bill to pay.  I’ve got lots of those …new bills to pay.  Now I need to win the lottery or have some financial windfall to help ease the pain I am going through. 

I am off to spend time with the kids, watch some TV and maybe even a movie.  Trying to relax before I have to get going again.  I did turn in all of his medicine today to the police, they had a drug drop off.  I forgot his insulin but I can dispose of that on my own.  Okay, the children are getting restless and telling me time to go. 

Talk with you all again soon. 

21 April 2013


I am all packed, with the exception of my laptop.  It’s charging because the battery was dead.  That caught me off guard but better to find it out now than when I am in the middle of an airport trying to work on some emergency. 

I printed my boarding pass, even though my computer didn’t want to cooperate.  Southwest issues the smallest boarding passes ever.  I could have checked in from my phone, but if the phone fails then I have no boarding pass, so I don’t put all of my eggs in one basket.  I’d rather have the printed document.  Happy to report I am in Boarding Group A, which means I should be one of the first on the plane.  It’s a 747 so I shouldn’t have to check my luggage, but never say never.  I learned that on my last trip back in January. 

It only took me all day to get up the courage to pack, but as time was slipping away from me, I realized it was now or never.  I got one lamp on a timer and tested it, works just fine.  I’m taking my guys toothbrush with me.  It’s a Sonicare Pro Results and I am using a new brush head.  We never ever shared a toothbrush, that would just be gross.  Anyway, it’s got a travel case and travel charger so I should be all set.

I decided not to take my own shampoo and I know I will be sorry for that but it will make coming home that much more enjoyable.  I just hope whatever the hotel has is some what decent in that it doesn’t make my head itch.  There is always a trip to the drug store if there are problems. 

The kids really didn’t know what to think when they saw me packing.  I explained to them that I am going on a trip and that the guy they saw yesterday will be up to feed them.  He is starting on Monday night so they won’t be too starved.  Monday will be close to a normal day for them.  Tuesday – Thursday will be the true test and I am sure they can make it.  We left them before for a few days with food and they survived.  Cats are pretty resilient and as long as you leave dry food and plenty of water they will be okay.  That is until the litter box gets full, then you will have a whole different problem. 

I have so many concerns with leaving but I hope they disappear.  I know I’ve done everything possible to prep for this trip, despite the fact I don’t want to go.  Sometimes things are out of your control and you just have to let them be, like it or not.  That is exactly what I will be doing here.  I really hope that I can manage to have a couple moments of fun and some damn good food.  We shall see. 

Today I went through my memory book, it’s a book where I keep ticket stubs and other memories of things we did together.  I never ever saved any of the e-mails he (my guy) sent me because I though it was just a waste.  Wish I would have saved them now.  In any event I came across a letter he wrote me back when he was going through chemo and he told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  Well that sent me over the edge and I tiered up but couldn’t get a good cry going like I wanted to. 

I was quick to inform one of his friends that he interacted with daily.  They were childhood friends.  We have met and the guy is gay.  He is a slut too, goes to bath houses and lets many guys plow him.  He has had numerous false positive AIDS tests.  If there is anyone that you would ever thing would be dead it would be this guy because of his risky behavior but he is still kicking.  So when I wrote him I got no response.  I found a phone number a few days later called him and got a very cold response.  I was mortified.  Then he wrote me later that day.  I’ve been putting off responding to him and decided to get it out of the way today.  I wrote and wrote and like this blog entry it went on and on.  I finally had to force myself to bring it to an end, he probably won’t see it for days if at all.  However, I at least have the peace in knowing I responded to him. 

Last night for supper I made Sloppy Joe Burritos.  It’s just sloppy joe mix put in a tortilla shell, we had them and I thought I would be creative.  Two was my limit and they weren’t bad.  I had the left overs tonight so none of the meat would go bad.  I am out of most everything and just couldn’t get myself to go to the store today.  When I get back I will have to go or there won’t be anything to eat. 

I went out for breakfast today.  Cracker Barrel.  Saw the handsome host that I have a crush on.  I got a table right away, but they were packed.  I guess it was just good luck on my part.  I ordered something different than my usual this time.  It was good, not as filling and way cheap.  I got out of there for $10 and that included a tip.  Never ever have I left Cracker Barrel for $10.  Then it was a trip to the drug store for more thank you notes, gum and mucinex.  I bought some off brand last week at Target and it’s only 400mg and I am used to 600mg.  I can tell the difference and I don’t like it so I fixed it.  Then it was a trip to the pet store where I dropped $94.  I got food plus 2 calming diffusers to hopefully sooth the furry guys and gals while I am gone.  So hopefully I don’t come home to a house that has been sprayed with cat pee.  Plus I know they will be scared.

The one thing about this whole experience is that I find myself telling more and more people that I lost my partner.  Yeah I’m telling the world I am gay and haven’t even given it a second thought.  Feels kind of good.  Some people have said oh where is your father.  I say he wasn’t my father he was my partner.  I get all sort of mixed reactions.  He was certainly old enough to be my father.  The people at Cracker Barrel didn’t even notice.  One lady at the grocery store will notice and that is why I am having such a hard time in going back there, plus it will just make me think of him.

This morning I fell asleep in his bed again.  I talked to him, even though the Bible says not to communicate with the dead.  I’m not looking for trouble but have to babble to him now and then just to clear my chest.  I know he can’t hear me, it’s about the same as me talking to the wall.  I don’t expect a response nor do I ask for one. 

My friend yesterday gave me a card of a clergy man who knows that I lost my life partner and I was told I could call him if need be.  I think I will but not now, I am going out of town and this just isn’t the right time.  Plus he isn’t exactly around the corner from me, I would have to drive a bit to get to him.  While I don’t want to get up early on Sunday’s I am seriously entertaining the possibility of going back to church, provided I find a place that is right for me.  I am used to Assembly of God or Pentecostal services.  However, I don’t know that any of the church going people will accept me for who I am.  I am not looking to be converted but rather to build my relationship with Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.  I thought about going to the local MCC church, which is a church for gay people – they don’t turn anyone away but that would be a serious drive for me.  I may go just once. 

Right now I am looking for closure to the legal and financial challenges.  Once things settle down and I get my ah umph back again I will take care of the church thing.  As for now I need rest and time, as well as closure to the L & F matters.  Then and only then will I be able to breath easier. 

This whole thing started out bad, got worse and then I’ve been on a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs.  I couldn’t tell you exactly where I stand right now, other than all of the bills that have to be paid are paid.  There is no danger at this moment of me being kicked out.  I have enough money to make next months mortgage payment.  As for the other bills I think I will be able to get by.  Having a cushion with life insurance money will be nice.  However, I know oh too well that money disappears very quickly.  Which is why I am keeping some on hand locally and the rest will be sent off, I will be able to get to it if need be but it will ease my temptation and make me think before I act.  I don’t plan on going crazy buying a bunch of crap that I don’t need.  I see myself living with some degree of comfort and going out to eat now and then, but most meals will be done at home or as cheaply as possible.  I will keep what I can in the way of creature comforts, i.e. phone, cable, internet, netflix, hulu, etc.  However, I also realize that I may have to make changes and get rid of his phone line as well as some of the features on my home phone.  I have to keep a copper line because of the alarm system, otherwise I would chop it in a heartbeat.  My cell phone works just fine here and honestly I don’t know many people so no worries on running up a big bill.  I’ve found that over the past week the phone has slowed down a lot.  People are just giving me space.

Speaking of which, I need to relax with the kiddos tomorrow is going to be quite a day.  I’ve got a morning conference call about a major hardware purchase, then I have to kill time until I have to leave and then you know all of the hustle and bustle of travel.  I should sleep quite well tomorrow night. 

That’s all for now, I will talk with you peeps soon.  Take care of one another.

20 April 2013

Catching Up

Sorry it’s been a while, life has been busy for me and I am still very much exhausted.


I have seen an attorney who agreed to represent me.  He told me that everything was quite well in order and that I pretty much had nothing to worry about, with the exception of how my partners bankruptcy case plays out. 

I talked to the Bankruptcy Attorney and they said that the case would be dissolved because of his death.  That means that his creditors would have rights to come after the estate with any claims.  My understanding is that the house was and is not part of the estate because it’s in a trust.  I further believe that it is in my best interest to get the house transferred into my name as quickly as possible to protect my interest.  However, sometimes with name changes the bank views that as a sale and they would call the loan, meaning that I would have to pay the house off immediately.  If I didn’t qualify for financing then I would have a HUGE problem.

Right now I’ve sent communications to both attorneys and am waiting to see what they respond with.  I do have the option to continue making payments on his bankruptcy until we reach a figure that would take about 30 plus months and then it could be discharged under a hardship.  Meaning the creditors would be screwed.  However, I feel that this was his debt and I am in no way shape or form responsible for it.  The same is true with medical bills.  As the executor of his estate I have a responsibility to ensure that his bills are paid, but the estate has no money.  The estate can get money if I sell his possessions and then if creditors made claims I could negotiate with them or at least have a small amount of money to maybe pay one of them off. 

The money that was in the joint bank account is all mine, it doesn’t belong to the estate or anyone else.  There is enough right now to make the next mortgage payment.  Then in a couple weeks I will go tell the bank he is dead, at which time they will want to convert the account into a monthly fee based account and I will wind up closing it.  I hate to do that because the bank is just across the street.  My bank is about 20 minutes away and I hate driving there. 

I got the estimate of charges for his helicopter ride it was a 7 minute flight that cost $24,568.  They wanted me to sign paperwork that would make me legally responsible for his death.  I called the company and explained to them that I had power of attorney but that expired when he did, so legally I can’t sign anything.  They told me not to worry about it, that they have contractual relationships with his insurance and that the paper work was not needed.  Okay, good luck trying to collect from a dead person.  If he did have money like that he wouldn’t have ever been in bankruptcy.

The death certificates were available on Thursday.  I got them and all of the paperwork in the mail for the life insurance and people that needed them to write off debts.  I sure hope that pay out is quick because money will soon be an issue.

Closing out someone’s life is not easy.  Every one wants their fair share of the pie, never mind that the person is dead.  I am doing better than I thought with the actual loss, it’s the financial aspect that has me in a tizzy.  My hope is that in the coming weeks the dust will settle and I will know that I am going to be okay, at least for the foreseeable future.  Life Insurance will help with mortgage payments and other bills that I hadn’t planned for.  So I can exist w/o any problems.  I just hope I am right on that.



Like I said I am dealing with the loss part better than I expected.  I really would like to cry again to help aid in the release process.  I have so much tension and stress from dealing with multiple people, places and things as well as trying to work and survive. 

The cats still look for him (my partner) and cry at his door, which is closed.  They are all slowly realizing that he isn’t coming back and they are stuck with me.  They really liked the nice surprise I had for them on Thursday when I came home to feed them lunch.  Extra food is the sure fire way to their hearts.  Everyone is eating and doing okay for the moment. 

I am leaving on Monday and don’t estimate I will be back until Friday afternoon.  I am going to try to finish early but I honestly think this will take the full week.  I have another issue that has presented it’s self so I have to deal with it first when I land, then I can go do what I was sent there to do.  It will be nice charging my food and not worrying about how it’s going to be paid for, since it’s not coming out of my pocket.  I will miss the cats like crazy, probably more now than before. 

My friend came up today and I gave him all of the information and access that he will need to get in to take care of the cats.  I also have the police doing extra patrol and told the alarm company that if they receive any signals to notify the police first, then go through the contact list.  I suspect there will be at least one false alarm but the instructions are pretty simple on how to operate the system.  I will worry about everything while I am gone, more now than before.

There is so much work to be done around here just simple stuff to get me ready for my trip.  I have no desire to do anything.  I just want to rest.  I need cat food, have to do laundry and pack, clean the house, get the trash ready to go out, clean up my desk and make sure that valuables are secured prior to my departure.  Plus do the dishes.  There is just no shortage of things to do but I really need a serious shot of energy and motivation.  I don’t even want to cook or prepare anything, I would just as soon skip a meal but then I will feel sick and I don’t like that.

When I get back on Saturday I have to go to the eye doctor.  The following Saturday I have to visit the dentist.  All in the name of good health.  My new insurance cards haven’t arrived and I really hope they get here before the 1st of the month.  My present coverage ends on April 30th.  I have paid for 3 full months of insurance and I was told that I can pay in advance.  So when things shake out I will be paying a year or at least six months at a time.  That will make the process easier and lighten the worry on me a little bit. 

So I am going to surf the web and try to get motivated.  The cats will want food very soon, which is an excuse for me to go upstairs and come back down with my laundry.  Once I get going I can’t be stopped but the problem is getting going. 

I have no idea when I will be updating this next but know that I am doing what I have to in order to survive as well as deal with the financial aspect of things.  My hands are much more full now and my time really isn’t my own and probably won’t be for a while. 

I leave you with this.  I went for Chinese food on Thursday to treat myself and my fortune cookie said “you will soon be traveling to distant lands for business.”  No shit!  Maybe I should play those lucky numbers, they might just win me the lotto.  :)

Talk with you peeps again soon.

16 April 2013


On any given normal night, I would be longing for silence.  Peace & Quiet is something that was very rare around here.  My guy would have been making some kind of noise around here.  Silence is all I hear.  I am so lonely and exhausted!

I keep thinking about how unfair this whole situation is.  I still feel like I needed him but perhaps I am just selfish.  God had other plans for him and I guess his mission here on earth was completed.  I always told him how much I needed him, he taught me how to drive and many other things both good and bad.  He was not only my partner but a father figure to me.

I got the health insurance information in last nights mail, telling me to watch for my new cards.  They wanted me to sign a form to authorize the deduction from the surviving spouse pension.  However, he didn’t have survivors benefits so there is no pension.  It died when he did.  So I asked about how to get them money, they provided an address and I am mailing payment tomorrow.  I need my health insurance and this is one thing that I can’t afford to have screwed up.  I will be able to keep this coverage until the day I die.  I won’t be able to add anyone, i.e. a new spouse or partner.  When I think about it, he is still taking care of me and I am so grateful.

I think about our last conversation and if I had known it was truly going to be the last time I spoke to him, I of course would have reminded him that I loved him.  I keep reflecting on how this could have all been avoided and how it’s some how my fault.  I know it’s not but it sure feels that way.

He was is and always will be the love of my life.  There will be no one else that will ever take his place.  Lord knows that I am hurting and very sad right now.  I wish that the good times would come back and I could feel happy or at least slightly upbeat instead of the emptiness and pain that I feel. 

You might think I am crying while typing this but I am not.  I am trying to get myself to cry but it just isn’t happening.

Enough with the depression.  My trip looks like it is going to take place next week.  I really don’t want to go.  The office manager said that she could get it delayed for a couple weeks if I wanted.  Yeah I want that but I also said I would go next week.  Regardless of when I go my worries would still be the same.  The kids.  They are slowly getting used to me being the only human here.  I can only imagine they will feel so afraid and out of sorts next week.  I believe I will be gone for the bulk of the week, but I will be working my ass off so that I can get back home as quickly as possible.  I need time with the kids and want to work on establishing a new routine with them. 

I am so worried about Shy Girl she is eating a little but not much.  I know that if her appetite doesn’t pickup I will have to take her to the vet and if that happens I am afraid that she won’t come home.  I can’t afford any more loss right now.  I need gain and as much of it as possible.

Work is a good thing for me but it’s hard to concentrate and I still question decisions that I make.  I know that I am totally not in the right frame of mind.  However, sooner or later you have to go back so I am glad that the initial plunge is over with.  Now everyone is trying to put the pieces together as to who died and how they were related to me.  Just extend your condolences and don’t be nosy.  I mean if I wanted everyone to know I would have taken out an ad in the newspaper or at the very least sent an office wide email. 

It’s getting late here and I need to go pass out a snack and treats to the kiddos.  I will talk with you peeps later. 

15 April 2013

Hit the road

I’m back just for a few hours and my boss told me that it was time to travel again.  Really?  This isn’t exactly the best time.  He wants me on the road as quickly as possible.  He is under the impression that this will be a 2 day trip and I can be back home soon.  Right, if only that were true.  I will have to plan on a week and hopefully I am done quick and can get home early. 

I knew the time would come to travel but I didn’t expect that it would be so soon.  Damn, I guess I picked the wrong week to come back. 

Work is going a million miles a minute.  I am buried in 2 weeks of crap to get done.  Then I get the trip and wow.  Let’s just say I am more than a little frazzled.  Come on 5pm.

Hopefully this will be the last trip for a while.  Right now I am all about staying close to the kids.  They are going to be so confused.  I am stressing a bit but I know it will all work out.

Talk with you peeps again soon.

14 April 2013


Today was a difficult day and it feels very empty.  I got up early, knowing I didn’t have to but the kids need their food.  I wanted to watch a movie I had started on Netflix (Latter Days) but it was unavailable for streaming.  I’ve seen it before and actually own a copy on DVD.  However, I just took that as a sign to get moving.  I had breakfast, which consisted of left overs from Macaroni Grill.  Lasagna and a loaf of bread along with a cold Diet Dr. Pepper.  Nice! 

I did my blood sugar reading in advance, the numbers I have seen are really nice.  It sounds like things are well under control but then again I am no doctor.  Should know more about that in the next month.

Anyway, I called to see what time the pet food store opened and then got dressed and went to the grocery store.  I was okay until I actually arrived in the parking lot.  It was like I was going to crack and I felt it coming.  I got inside and tried to find someone hot to look at as well as scoping out what would be a good idea for supper and what I needed.  I can tell you I didn’t make healthy choices but I have enough to survive on for the week and it only cost me $77, which isn’t too bad.  No hot guys around.  I went to check out and damn if I didn’t get one of the checkers who knew me.  She said your all alone today.  I said not just today for the rest of my life, he passed away.  That took her by surprise.  I went early in the hopes I could run into another checker that we are used to seeing but she wasn’t in yet.  Perhaps our paths will cross next week.

In any case got my running done with groceries and cat food.  I promised I would be home for the day.  I kept my word except for running to those stores.  Kind of feels good.  I’ve gotten a lot of cleaning done and laundry is finally done. 

I decided not to wash the bed clothes from my guy, it was just too much.  I am going to keep his bedroom like a shrine for a while.  I have so many memories not just in that room but in every room here.  I’ve found photos of him.  It sill amazes me that I think he is coming back or will be home soon.  I feel like he is just a missing person.  Reality reminds me of the truth and I just can’t believe it’s over with.  I want to talk with him so bad, if nothing else to say goodbye and tell him again that I love him.  I had my opportunities while he was in the hospital and I used them.  I expressed my feelings and tried to choke back the tears but they came crashing out.  I know that he wouldn’t want me to be afraid, sad, scared or feel alone.  He didn’t willingly leave me, but it was his time.  I could go on but long story short until you experience the loss of a spouse/partner you have yet to experience true loss.  This is the most awful feeling.  I took photos of him when he was at the funeral home, just as a reminder to myself that he truly is gone.  I know it sounds morbid but I just look at those photos and think of all that he went through at the end, all that we have been through and I can’t help but feel all alone. 

The trash man won’t like me but he will get over it.  I have only just started and once I get going full bore I think they will need a special truck just to pick up from my house.  Feels strange saying my house instead of our house.

Shy Girl is sick.  She puked up some blood in the basement and I saw her puke by the front door.  Figures, I just cleaned the carpets yesterday and today they are already dirty again.  Cats keep this place looking it’s worst but hey, we are all comfy.  I just get stuck with cleaning up the mess.

I am nervous about tomorrow, more over how I will sleep tonight.  I’m taking a double dose of sleeping pills and doing it early so hopefully I will be zonked out all night long.  I have a feeling after I get the first day under my belt that everything else will fall into place. 

I am going to enjoy some self pleasuring, shave, take a nice relaxing shower and then plop on the couch to watch TV with the kids until it’s time for bed.  It’s something different and I think we will all have a good time, provided that I can find something interesting on. 

Thank you all for your readership, friendship, thoughts and prayers.  You all mean the world to me.  Especially Jude.  There are so many people in my life but yet there are also so few.  It’s sad to say but it’s times like these that you find out who your true friends are. 

Not sure when I will post next but know that I am probably going to be busier than I have been in a quite sometime.  Between work and then coming home and having to deal with “estate” stuff.  Paying bills and just trying to retain some sanity.  I look forward to talking with you peeps again soon.

13 April 2013

Power Paper


Sorry for not updating you sooner, but my partner passed away on 04-April after life support was removed.  His kidneys had shutdown.  He developed pneumonia and they were suctioning blood out of him.  He was in the process of getting ready to have a heart attack.  So the end result would have been the same, it just would have put him through more pain and prolonged the process.  I said my goodbyes, which was difficult.  His son couldn’t be bothered to come say goodbye and asked me to do it for him. This has just been a total and complete nightmare and I am wondering when I am going to wake up.  I had him cremated, because it was the cheapest option available.

It’s amazing what power a piece of paper has.  I’m speaking of a Death Certificate.  I really can’t do anything until I have this document.  Hopefully, it comes through this week, but I was told to be prepared to wait up to a total of 3 weeks from the time of death, which would put this at the end of the month.

In speaking to friends and family members of my late partner, most knew we were a couple.  He didn’t want to confirm or deny it, just let it ride and hopefully no one would bring it up.  I felt so comfortable after people accepted me for who I am.

This week has been difficult.  I have spoken to a couple attorneys and have to talk with another one next week.  It sounds like I will wind up going through probate.  This would be for my protection and to protect the biggest asset my guy had, which is the house. 

Right now everything is up in the air, I can’t sell anything and have stopped trying to clean up.  It’s a never ending process and nothing says I have to be done this week or this weekend.  Since there is so much shit to sift through it’s going to take time.  I have resigned myself to that fact and decided to start taking care of myself, which is what matters most here. 

I know he wouldn’t want me to worry, feel sad and that he didn’t leave me willingly.  I know how very much he loved me and how much I loved him.  There is a HUGE void in my life and it’s going to take time to heal.

People have asked me about getting a roommate or finding another boyfriend.  Tempting as it is for the physical relationship.  Me and my hand will be about as close as I get to another person.  I may find someone eventually but it’s not something in my plans, especially my immediate plans. 

My goal is to keep the house, take care of the cats and try my very best to keep my head above water while making my guy proud of me. 

Tomorrow is my last day off and I return to work on Monday.  I really dread that but I think once I am in it, I will breathe easier.  I’ve got plenty to do and there is pending litigation at work which will also help to keep me busy trying to track down things and do research.  I am hopeful that I am not sent on any road trips for a while.  I have no worry about finding someone to watch the critters but it would be nice not to add more worry into my life.

I did take Big Boy to the vet this week.  They have him 3 to 6 months to live.  I hope that he outlives this deadline.  I am doing my best to keep up with his medicine and it will be easier to deal with when I get back to work.

My evenings won’t be like they used to.  I will have to feed the cats and then take care of fixing myself something to eat.  It’s going to be very difficult but I have no doubts we will make it.

There is life insurance, actually more than I anticipated but it’s still a very small amount.  I am so glad that I took a policy on him last year.  Never mind that I won’t get the full benefit, at least getting my money back plus 10% will help.

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and good vibes.  I probably won’t be blogging as often as I used to but I have every plan to keep on blogging.  It will help with the healing process.

Right now it’s late, I need to spend time with the critters and I am still catching up on laundry.  2 weeks worth.  Most of my stuff is done.  I still have to wash his bed clothes and I honestly don’t want to.  However, I realize that no matter what I do, it won’t bring him back.  He is gone and all I have now are the memories.  There are good and bad memories but 25 years together was awesome.  I was hoping that we could make it longer, but I am happy to have gotten that much time with him.

Good night, god bless and I will talk with you peeps later.

06 April 2013


The love of my life passed away on Thursday night. I had to remove life support.

I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.

Talk with you all soon.

03 April 2013

What I know....

What an emotional and very long day yesterday was.  I am so alone right now and feel horrible.  Emotional wreck?  Yup!

Between what I was told at the hosptial and what I put together on my own.  I learned that my dear sweet man stopped taking his blood thinner for a while.  I suspect based on the date on the bottle that it had been about 2 to 3 months.  No wonder he had a stroke.  I kept saying he is on blood thinner how is this fucking possible?

His INR was at a level 1, which is what a normal persons reading should be at.  If you are on a blood thinner it should be between 2 and 3.  His blood was so thick that it was clotting in the tube as the nurses were drawing it.

The mortaility rate for the type of stroke he had is very high.  I can't say for certain yet that he is going to die, but it doesn't look good.  If by some miracle he were to survive this he would be "Locked In" meaning he would be in a body that stopped working and paralyzed.  However, his mind would be unaffected.  That is his worst nightmare. 

I had a family friend with me yesterday.  They came out of the wood work as soon as I started spreading the news.  I knew I would need someone and I am glad that they stepped up to the plate.  I did pretty well up until we parted ways yesterday.  I went almost 24 hours with no sleep, which I have NEVER EVER done.  I am surprised that I am still functioning. 

Last night I had dreams about my sweet man and I woke up feeling a little at peace.  However, the reality of this whole experience set in and I have been crying my eyes out for hours.  I still had 2 hours to sleep before I was to go to the hosptial and I just decided to get up.  I am so tired right now and just want to go back to sleep but I can't.

The doctors told me that they would be at the hosptial early and they would want to talk with me because more data should be available regarding the long term picture.  I was also cautioned that if he does pass it could be something that was quick or it could linger out for 6 months.  6 months, how the fuck am I supposed to function? 

My life feel so much like it is over with.  My guy was worried about how alone he felt and he was so scared.  I suspect that he knew something was going to happen.  Our last conversation was him telling me that he was having a stroke.  Now I am the one who is all alone, I am the one who is scared and I am the one that doesn't know how I will go on without my rock.

I've got a house to figure out how I will pay for, I have 7 cats and myself.  WTF!

By reading this I am sure that you feel bad for me.  The only thing you can do is pray.  Unfortunatley this isn't a bad April Fools joke and it's not a dream.  It's a reality and like it or not I have to face it head on.  Making decisions is not something that I can say I am good at, but it's a reality right now.

I will keep you updated.  Right now I have to get some food, a shower and get out of here before I keel over from lack of sleep.  Thanks so much for your support, it means the world to me.  Even if there is only 1 of you reading this. 

02 April 2013


My partner suffered a stroke last night.  I am at the hospital with him now and they are trying to remove the clot.  Please pray for us both.  I will update you peeps when I can.  Right now coverage for cell phone is spotty and I have no idea when I will be home.  Left at 12:30 am and haven't been back since.  Been to two hospitals.  He got a helicopter ride out of it.  He is not conscious and is on a ventilator.  That is all I know.

01 April 2013

In bed

My guy volunteers as an Election Judge.  It’s a good way to make some extra money and not have to break your back in the process.  Well he had a training class to go to this morning.  However, he didn’t make it.  His back insisted that he was going to lay flat.  I don’t know more about it, but it sounds like muscle spasms.  I’ve had them and they are painful.  He told me that he wrecked his bedroom but that he is back in bed and resting. 

Now he has this bright idea that he doesn’t want to go anywhere with out his scooter.  Yeah, the only problem with that is it will break my back to load it and he will need help in unloading it and then reloading it.  He really needs a different vehicle and then this would be a viable option.

Thank God for the food our friend brought by yesterday that plus my left over pizza should hopefully tide us by tonight.  I’ve got to stop for Cat Food because the kids have decided they don’t like the breakfast flavor cat food I bought.  So I won’t waste my money in buying more of it, I will just stick to the usual and watch them turn their noses up at that.  I was trying to bring a little variety to the table but apparently they don’t want that.  I’d sure get tired of eating the same thing over and over.  Finicky cats!

I got the official word that the boss man will be back on Wednesday.  Not an April Fools joke.  That sucks, I thought that we were going two weeks of freedom.  I know everyone else is bummed as well.  Sure glad that I scheduled my lunch date for tomorrow.  Wednesday is when Big Boy goes to the vet, I really hope that I can leave on time.  I don’t foresee a problem.

My guy was hooked on the series The Bible as seen on the History Channel.  He really liked it.  So much so that he wants the DVD.  It’s selling for $52 but you can get it on Amazon much cheaper.  At least that was true when I looked before going to bed last night. 

There is not a while lot going on for me today, I’ve had a couple calls and things to do but for the most part it’s a boring day.  I did work on the boss man’s machine.  Applied some Windows Updates, checked a couple of settings.  Then of course I had to reboot, that presented a problem because I was working on his machine via remote control.  When I went to log back on I couldn’t send a CTRL ALT DELETE.  So I had to use a backdoor to get in and then figure out how to get rid of the prompt for CTRL ALT DELETE.  I did that and rebooted and logged in as him.  All looks well and I did my best to cover my tracks.  No one here has any idea that I touched his machine and I don’t plan on saying anything.  He certainly won’t know because he isn’t here.  I like that.  I am just looking out for the well being of his machine.  I hope that he doesn’t have any further problems with his machine.  That would make me really happy. 

No April Fools jokes have been played on me and I don’t plan on playing any.  I am just ready to go home.  I hope the mess that my guy made isn’t too terribly difficult for me to clean up.  I just want a relaxing evening.

I did catch Shameless last night.  It’s getting pretty good and of course next week will be the season finale.  That sucks but then Nurse Jackie will be on and I am looking forward to that.  The worst part about being hooked on a series is waiting for the next episode.  I like the NetFlix approach where you can go from the 1st to the last episode right away.  It’s just more fun for me. 

Monday is on the downhill slide, can’t wait until I hear those words…time for Dirty Pop because I will be in the car.  Take care, be safe and I will talk with you peeps later.