Life Changing Day–12 Years Ago Today

Twelve years ago today my life changed forever when I lost the love of my life.  I remember it like it was yesterday and it was truly a nightmare that came to life.  A day that I knew always would happen someday but one that I wasn’t ready for when it did happen.  You prepare mentally for it but when it happens regardless of how much you prepare your just not ready, at least that was my experience. 

My spouse had suffered from a massive stroke and I had to remove life support as meaningful recovery wasn’t possible and it was his worst nightmare to be trapped in a working body.  Oddly enough all of his nightmares and fears were like predictions because sadly they all came true. 

Today it feels like just another day but in years past it has been quite the sensitive day for me.  I still miss him and that I am told will be a life long feeling that just never goes away.  It is true with time memories fade and you don’t recall things as crystal clear as you once did.  I’m glad that I wrote a book about our life, despite the original print being riddled with grammatical errors it still memorializes things and I look back at it from time to time.  I’ve fixed the grammatical errors and thoughts about a second publishing but never quite got around to it.  The book was available for purchase for a very short time but it never sold and honestly I didn’t think it would. 

A lot has changed since that day and I am still confident to say that he would be proud of me for making it.  I never thought I would survive and things would turn out nearly as well as they have.  It was a rough battle and a costly one both emotionally and financially.  Yet, here I am.  A lesson that I learned is that you never know what you will do until your back is pinned against the wall and you have no way out.  Your capable of doing more than you think!  I also learned that there is nothing like a crisis to show you who your true friends really are.  Most of the people that we thought of as friends have faded away, they all offered to call on them for help but when called upon they failed me.  The only true person you can count on in this world is yourself, but it sure does help to have some true friends. 

I am not a fan of the month of April ever since this day unfolded twelve years ago, it’s the one month that I wish I could skip.  However, no such luck.  I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my late spouse would want me to move on and to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s not that I haven’t tried but just haven’t found that person yet.  I am still looking not as much as I could but my eyes are open.  While I don’t think I will be successful with this quest I haven’t given up hope.  Time is my enemy here because you never know when it’s your expiration date.  In some respects it would be handy to know but in other respects it’s better that it remains a mystery. 

Looking at my family history my grandfather lived into his 70’s and my grandmother and mom lived into their early 60’s.  Others from both my grandfathers and grandmothers side of the family have lived longer.  This is my mom’s parents.  I’ve got no idea about my dad’s side of the family since he disowned us.  To my knowledge he’s still alive.  My best guess and that’s truly what it is, is that I will probably be around into my 60’s or 70’s.  Hell I might live to be 90.  I just hope that I am in a position to either take care of myself or be surrounded by people who will take care of me and not to be stuck in a nursing home – those places suck and are hell on earth.  That’s just my opinion. 

I say it often and I mean it more than anyone knows.  I really do miss my family.  That’s my late spouse and all of our cats.  I miss the life I had which at the time in looking back was happiness.  We did some traveling, ate really good, enjoyed each others company, went to concerts, sporting events and some dinner parties.  Had some great sex and got each other through some difficult & trying times. 

We met when I was still very much a kid, despite being 18.  We were together for about 25 years and while it seems like a lifetime it’s only been half of my life.  He finished raising me and teaching me what I call street smarts.  Hell I didn’t even have a drivers license when we met and he taught me to drive, something I was deathly afraid of.  I think of that often when I am behind the wheel, that if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depending on public transportation or taking some ride share.  It’s great to be able to get in a vehicle and just drive to where ever, when ever you want. 

I’m not quite sure how to wrap up this post as I could go on and on.  I am so thankful that we met and for all of the experiences (both good & bad).  I hope that I can find someone who loves me half as much as I loved this man.  I hope that he is resting in peace.  He’s always on my mind and the memories live on within me.  It’s a difficult day but I’ll make it through just as I have for the past twelve years.  One day at a time!

Eye C U with that Pizza

Last night I gave in to an overwhelming desire and re-read the book I wrote. The book details the experience of loosing my spouse as well as dealing with the aftermath that was left in closing out his life, which was not a simple task by any stretch of the imagination. There were things that I wrote that conflicted with my current memory and I can see how with time details can get fuzzy. It’s not a surprise that I had a nightmare but it was about getting fired from a job and had nothing to do with losing him. Kind of strange the way the subconscious plays tricks on us. I also realize that it’s not good to continually live in the past. As my late spouse would say, life is about forward not reverse. You have to keep progressing forward. While it took me sometime to put everything into words it took sometime to re-read it. I wasn’t through the entire thing but hey I know how it ends, I read up to a point where it was just good to stop and walk away. The pain from loosing him is still there and it’s kind of hard to imagine myself with another guy but I know that it is possible that will happen.

In other news, I finally heard back from my Vision Insurance Company. They sure did take their sweet time. They feel sorry that I had a bad experience and so they are permitting me to have another annual exam but I have to act within 60 days. I’ve already got the guy picked out that I want to see he and he’s an MD but has some OD’s working with him. I’m not terribly crazy about going to another doctor but I am interested in what someone else sees when they look into my eyes. If it’s just a desert waste land or if there is something actually there. Yup, that’s a bit of my humor. Seriously the whole mite’s thing and dry eye I’d like to know if that is accurate or if it was as, I thought a money-making diagnosis to help the old doctor pay for his brand-new building. I plan to go in fresh and not say much if anything about the prior exam so as to get a fresh opinion.

We are inching closer to the week end and that is a good thing. I am really looking forward to getting some sleep, that is if my little girl permits it. I also like the idea of being able to do what I want and not being a slave to work or a set routine. That in and of its self is liberating. Now if I could just run away, taking my little girl with me and not have to come back it would be totally awesome!

Tomorrow is the day I find out about my pay raise. My boss had a wide-open afternoon and could have communicated the information today but he said he would do it tomorrow. Whatever. I’m expecting some good news with a decent bump in pay and perhaps a bonus. I won’t hold my breath on the bonus part but it’s something that in years past has come with pay increases. The big buzz is the soft re-opening they are doing after the holiday. From what I saw in the latest news it sounds like pretty much things are going back to normal operation, if you feel comfortable go in and if not stay home. You can also go in, decide it’s not for you and return home. Hell, where was that option prior to COVID? One thing is for sure COVID changed business and the way it was done. This might just be the crisis that we need to help catapult many organizations into allowing remote work on a more regular basis. As for the place I work at there will be news about that coming in the fall. They may permit some folks to go hybrid where you work a day or two in the office and the rest of the week you are remote. We have all proved that the whole organization can run remote and we can still make money, so I wouldn’t see why they wouldn’t put more though into making some people full time remote. We actually had a couple people full time remote they lived in states where we had no office and worked from their homes. It was a thing for a few years but went by the wayside like three years ago. I am just excited to get my team back to full staff so that some of the work load that is on me can shift a bit and I can breathe a bit more freely.

I saw this incredible ad today for a famous pizza place in Chicago that everyone is raving about. I never heard of it but am thinking of ordering a couple pizzas to have them shipped to me. It is a bit on the expensive side but they claim to have a unique sausage blend and were talking deep dish pizza which is my favorite. I really miss the Uno’s chain they made the best pizza ever that I have had. I have had some others that come close but Uno’s by far was the best. Plus, you could order chili or a salad while you waited for your pizza. Deep Dish takes forever to cook but it is so worth the wait if it is done properly. There is a local place that does it but they use a sweet tomato sauce and the first piece is okay but after a while that sauce gets to me. It’s not supposed to be sweet in my opinion. Since were talking about food here I am so hungry for BBQ. I really love a BBQ Burger throw in some potato salad and I am happy. I could get really full from that. It’s funny how “they” tell us what food is bad for us. The silly thing is that it is as if you eat healthy you will live forever and that just simply isn’t true, we all have an expiration date. I don’t know about you but I want to eat the good stuff and die with a full belly.

No post is complete without talking about my furry friend. She kind of worried me this morning because the main litter box was empty. She eats really well and water is her best friend. She loves to lay in it and drink it. She tries to cover it up but that doesn’t work out so well. I was relieved a bit when I saw the backup litter box had at least a deposit. She does a great job sleeping during the day, I just wish that I could incorporate that into the evening and early morning hours. She had me up at 2 or 3 I don’t remember and then again at 5. It was tough to go back to sleep after the 5 wake up call but I managed. She has this routine where she eats, then cries back to the bedroom, then jumps in bed with me. Lays down to take in some petting and I guess to try to make me feel good, then she leaps up and heads back to the water bowl and starts howling. If she just came with a mute button that would be good enough for me. She knows where her bread is buttered and who does what. I know she loves me and appreciates what I do for her.

Well, it’s about time to go pop some dinner in the microwave and find something to watch on TV. Can’t believe tomorrow is already the 1^st of July. Just a few more months until Thanksgiving & Christmas! I hope you had an outstanding day and are staying cool in this hot weather.  Talk with you peeps again soon!

Lessons learned

In writing my book and looking back over life experiences that I have had, there are twenty-one lessons that I learned.  These are lessons from life, the death of my spouse and just in general.  These appeared in my book and I wanted to share them as I feel there is a little something here for everyone.  Enjoy

1. We are all going to die, it may be a sudden thing that knocks you over the head or it might be long and drawn out.  It is one appointment that you will not be able to be late for.
2. Make sure that your affairs are in order and you have told people your desires with regards to life support, burial, etc.
3. It is perfectly okay to be gay and if you want tell the world.  It’s a very personal decision that every gay person has to make.  No one knows your circumstances as well as you do.  So, what is right for me might not be right for you.  Only come out if it's safe.  
4. Never ever bet unless it’s a sure thing. 
5. If you ride on the Log Ride at any amusement park be sure to sit in back and it might also help to take a Dramamine beforehand.
6. Don’t let anyone push you around, stand up for what you believe in.
7. Make sure that you do your homework and research any issue, product, topic or whatever that is up for debate.  When you know the facts, you can defend something so much better. 
8. Tell those that you love, that you love them. One day you won't be able to say this.  
9. Have a savings plan for Retirement and/or Disability if you don’t have money set aside for that you could really be out in left field. 
10. Don’t name kittens, puppies or any other living breathing animal unless you plan on keeping and caring for it. 
11. Even though your affairs are in order and there is a big push for equality, not everyone has adopted and/or agrees with equality so you could have a fight on your hands when it comes to financial and legal issues.
12. Be sure to name beneficiaries and if you have a pension or receive retirement benefits make sure that you elect a surviving spouse benefit so that your partner, spouse, husband, wife or whomever is taken care of.  It might cost you a little bit of money now but in the end if the money is needed it will be a huge relief to the one you leave behind.
13. Not everyone is your friend. Some people are just really good actors.  It’s not until the going gets tough that you find out who your real friends are and the results will catch you by surprise. 
14. Communication is the best medicine for a relationship.  If you don’t, can’t or won’t talk about something you are contributing to the demise of your relationship as you know it.  Honesty may not always pay off in life but in your relationship, it is the one place that you owe it to the other person to be 100% truthful and be yourself, don’t pretend to be something or someone you are not. 
15. Money doesn’t solve all of the problems you have in the world and it can’t buy happiness but I think it’s a pretty good start. 
16. Don’t ever be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help, regardless of the problem.  As an example, there is no shame to collecting Unemployment, Food Stamps or Welfare.  Just don’t make it a way of life where you abuse the system.  Use those benefits for what they are ‘temporary’ assistance. 
17. Don’t give up, keep fighting no matter how much you think the deck is stacked against you until you exhaust all possibilities there can be no end. 
18. Mortgage Companies are evil.  As long as you’re making your payments and they are on-time then they will be very happy with you.  If you need help, be prepared to jump on a merry go round that will NEVER stop spinning. 
19. You often lose sight of what you have and take things for granted.  It’s true you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. 
20. Make memories that will last a lifetime, have fun and if you’re young enjoy your youth. 
21. Take lots of photos together to document your time with those that you love and care for. 

 

  

My Coming Out Story

 

I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial.  What they failed to realize is that my brother was setting me up to take the fall.  While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me.  Of course, I wasn't acting right because I was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell into.  I was the victim when I looked like the aggressor [perpetrator].  They say everything happens for a reason and well it did. 

It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it.  I myself didn't even know it and denied it.  Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right.   While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up.  I hadn't yet figured out who I was.  Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time.  I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well.  He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy.  The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice. 

My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was.  I didn't understand why.  He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe.  It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do.  I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing.  As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her.  I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.

One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening.  I told her that I was gay.  She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life.  I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting.  That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it.  She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued.  She asked me what kind of sex I had.  Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it.  She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting.  Then she asked where she was and where this took place.  That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place.  Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was.  She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend.  I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life.  The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather.  He surely would kick me out and disown me.  I am positive that she never said a word to him. 

Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't.  My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass.  I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly.  I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared.  Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went.  I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened.  He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word.  It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me.  He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated.  That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him.  I honestly never really thought about it at the time.  I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.   

As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother.  My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no.  She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried.  I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent.  She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems.  She always said that I should be a top.  She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work.  Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.

My brother kind of figured things out on his own.  I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him.  However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did. 

The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience.  Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done.  Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on.  Your never ever done coming out of the closet.  I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them.  Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me. 

I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men.  We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine.  I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom.  Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business.  I get the curiosity to want to know that.   I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.

A side note, a bit off topic.  The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son.  We wouldn't bother to correct them.  He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me.  To us it was humorous.  I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes.  It was a compromise that we agreed upon.  He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals.  I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt.  I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us]. 

Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back.  Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak.  I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I.  However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment.  I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid.  How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job?  How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship?  My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out.  There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively.  While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell. 

Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well.  The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay.  There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because.  No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR.  What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group.  We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse.  Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know.  I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me.  I am Jeremy a man.  Being gay is just part of who I am.  Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am.  It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't. 

I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride.  I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay.  I cried just as they did.  I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life.  While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what.  You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur. 

Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards.  I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant.  She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made.  I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now. 

You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out.  Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature.  If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age.  If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do.  Below are some resources that I hope are of help. 

HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out 

Matthew Shepard Foundation  - Coming Out Resources 

The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

 

 

Good news for you

I don’t think that I mentioned it but I wrote a book. This was all going back to when I lost my spouse and all that came with that horrible event, while I was going through it. Once the dust settled I self-published the book with the help of LULU.com. I rushed to get it in print and there unfortunately were horrible editing mistakes that I overlooked and didn’t catch until I was reading a proof that I had ordered. The book was for sale for a short time and even made it on Amazon, before I pulled it. Sadly, I didn’t sell one copy, which was okay, I mean I didn’t think of it as a major source of income but if I could make a little money it would be worth it. My family of course laughed at me and told me how foolish I was. I did set a goal and accomplish it, which made it worthwhile for me. I ordered several proofs and autographed them and sent them to the people that I valued most for helping me through what was a very low point in my life to show my thanks and appreciation.

I’ve often thought about a second book and even made a go at it but never really had the drive to put all of the energy and time into it like I did the first one. If you haven’t done it before, book writing is very time consuming and I didn’t know that going into it. I figured a couple hours here and there and within a week I could be done. Then publish it and presto the work is done. I wish it would have worked like that but it didn’t happen. It took at least six months if not longer to pour over it and write what I did. Thinking of names for chapters, much less the title was difficult.

I mention the book because I like to have a topic to write about and trying to think of new topics to keep you my readers entertained is a bit of a challenge to me, since I live what I think of as a dull & lonely life. I am just an average person who happens to be gay and lost their mate. The world has become a lonely and empty place void of the joy and pleasure that I used to have. Don’t get me wrong I do get a laugh now and then and I still have orgasms, ice cream and good food so it’s not all bad.

I want to be able to help people but also be able to help myself through writing. Building up a following and getting feedback (comments) feels good and gives me the drive to continue. I am starved for attention among other things. I am not rich or well off by any stretch of the imagination, that’s why I have a full-time job because absent of that I would have no money. I am proud of how far I have come and the obstacles that I have tackled. So, it may seem from time to time as if I am bragging and well, I suppose I am. I amaze myself and marvel in the fact that I have made it this far, which I didn’t think would ever be possible. I’ve proven to myself you don’t know what you can accomplish until your back is against the wall and you have no choice. I’ve given it some thought and am pleased to inform you that moving forward, I have elected to share some of the content with you, my readers. I’m doing this with the hopes that you will get a more accurate picture of me, be able to relate more to me and perhaps walk away with some lessons learned. I will of course continue with my normal posting of happenings in my current life as well as my feelings.

Right now, it’s Sunday morning soon to be afternoon. I am a little sleepy, the cats are starved for attention and probably think it’s close to lunch time. I could use a little bit of time away from this box. I have some work tasks to do a bit later this afternoon that will keep me glued here for longer than I want, so I figure might as well enjoy some freedom and relaxation while it still exists.

I hope that your having a great day and that life is going well for you. Thanks for your visit today and be sure to come back again soon.

Being Gay - what does it mean?

After the death of my spouse, I wrote a book.  It was therapeutic.  Below is a chapter taken from my book verbatim.  The book was written a few years ago but the general nugget of knowledge I am trying to impart still holds true today.  My hope is that this will help someone out there.  My belief in God has changed a bit over the years.  I am still somewhat on the fence.

I also decided to look up the definition of the word GAY and here’s what it says according to Dictionary.com

 

  

Being gay only applies to my sexuality and my sexual preference.  Outside of that, it doesn’t define who I am, what I like or anything else.  It just defines the sex of the person I want to have sexual relations with.  I know that there are people that say it’s wrong; it’s against the Bible, God Hates Fags, etc. My personal feeling is that gay people were created to be martyrs and when you discriminate, hate or treat us differently you are doing that to God.  For that, I believe those that do shall be punished.  I think that one day; we (gay people) will reap rewards for the hell we have been put through here on earth.  Now just because that is my opinion doesn’t make it so.  However, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality.  I suppose I am biased there.  It’s how I was born and just like you can’t pick your parents you can’t pick your sexual preference.  It’s not a mental disease.  You are not sick or twisted.  You can’t pray the gay away.  You can’t convert yourself because while on the outside you may appear to be living a “straight” life inside your true desires for a person of the same sex linger.  That is something that no “straight” life will be able to quench.

Gay people who are trying to hide their secret become exceptionally good at deception and lying over time.  Some people might suspect but until you confirm it no one knows for certain.  Depending upon the circumstances, it is sometimes best to keep people guessing.     

If you are gay, the sooner you and those that love you come to terms with it the sooner you and they will be able to move forward in life.  Coming out is a very personal decision and something that you have to do when you feel it’s right.  If it’s never right, well then so be it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do.  

If you have thoughts of committing suicide, realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I understand that in the heat of the moment, with all of the pressure weighing on you, that you feel it’s your only option.  Stop and think about those around you, those that depend on you and how they will get by.  I’m certainly not a doctor or a mental health expert.  I mean if you’re bound and determined to take your own life and you won’t entertain opinions or thoughts from others or won’t reach out for help before you rush to your decision then there is very little I or anyone can do to stop you.  It’s like a runaway train.  Think of what it will do to whoever discovers your lifeless body.  Then there is also the possibility depending upon the method you have chosen, that you may not be successful and you could wind up having to live your life with a disability, disfigurement, etc.  There are a lot of factors to weight before rushing into a decision that will determine your future. 

Growing up gay is NOT easy.  People are always making fun of you because you are different.  I promise you that it does get better as you get older.  I hear college is a real fun time, I wouldn’t know because I never went.  Once you are an adult in the working world, I think is when you will find that things are truly as good as they are going to get.  Society as a whole is starting to come to terms with Equality.  Marriage isn’t for everyone but it’s nice that those of us that want to get married in many states can.  I think we are just mere years away from society viewing gay as becoming common place.  It’s like growing up with regular TV and then one day you get Cable and don’t realize how you ever lived without it.  I think society one day will wake up and say who cares and move on.  

I love to hear coming out stories.  They are often filled with drama but in the end, it’s about a person letting those they care about know their sexual preference.  Why do we (meaning gay people as a whole) feel compelled to share this?  I mean “straight” people don’t walk around and advertise that they are straight; it’s just something that is assumed.  I suppose it’s because we want and need acceptance and to know that no matter what those that we care about love us unconditionally.  

If I can help someone deal with their sexuality through this book that would be awesome.  I had next to no one there for me when I was feeling all of those strange feelings and thinking it was wrong.  Being raised Roman Catholic didn’t help either.  Talk about guilt!  

The bottom line is to talk to someone about your feelings.  Don’t let it go all bottled up because that is a recipe for disaster.  That applies to most problems in life.  Holding it in does no good and is self-destructive.  Do not think that you are all alone or that you are the first person to experience this because you are not.  I know there are many emotions that come with being gay.  So your different, you are as God wanted you to be.  Society today deals with that in a much more accepting way than when I was growing up. 

I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone.  If they won’t or don’t want to listen then move on to another person.  Consider looking online for resources.  There is a program for youth called The Trevor Project and they can and do help a lot of younger folks.  Talking is therapeutic and necessary for survival.    

Spending Blitz

Back when I was a youngster, one of the thrills of my childhood was going shopping with my Grandma and her sister, which I called my Aunt.  My version of my family tree is skewed and doesn’t line up but hey it’s my family tree.  Anyway long before I knew there could be a different meaning to this, when my aunt was done and had spent all her money, she would say she ‘shot her wad’.  Now that I am an adult I realize the sexual meaning there.  I know she was referring to a wad of cash or money and there wasn’t anything sexual, it’s just funny how when your a kid, you are lost in innocence.  Kind of wish I could go back to those days where I wasn’t so wise, then maybe there wouldn’t be so many problems in my life. 

In case you can’t tell by the title I have been on a shopping spree this weekend.  I found out my tax refunds are due in this week.  That is incredibly fast and I am eager to get the money so I am spending it before I get it, which is usually what I do. 

First, I gave in and purchased two MK570 Comfort Wave Keyboard & Mouse Sets by Logitech.  Got one for home and the other for the office.  The comfort is there, getting used to it takes a little bit.  I have made some typing mistakes but I can see how you can easily work with this keyboard all day and walk away with your hands feeling refreshed or at least not fatigued.  Second, I got a new Bluetooth headset since my present one is in the process of falling apart.  I know if I am careful with it , I can make it last a little longer before it becomes useless.  I am sad that I can’t get an exact replacement, I have had the same model for years and this is the second one.  It’s served me well.  There is a newer model and I saw that Target had it.  So I ordered it and went to pick it up yesterday.  Surprise what I ordered and what was ready for pickup were two totally different things.  I got a Moto Hint now.  At first the sound quality was crap, after letting it charge for 24 full hours things seem to be better.  A co-worker got the same thing for Christmas and as soon as I saw it, I wanted it.  It’s small, has a durable case to carry it in and the case doubles as a charger.  The model I have that is falling apart is a Moto Slivr, which has similar features, but it’s a little bigger and less easy to lose.  I’ve been leaving test voice mail messages for myself all day long to see how it sounds – there are good times and some not so good times.  The trick here is to use it and see how it preforms, if in a few days I don’t feel comfortable then I’ll return it and order what I want from Amazon. 

I thought I was done but once I got the good news today, I went on and got a few things from Amazon that I needed and some that I didn’t.  The most expensive being a belt that has no holes and is a sure fit.  It’s $50 so it better be a sure fit or I am sure it’s going back.  Interested to get it and try it on.  We all know I have an obsession for many things and writing instruments being one of them.  Today I gave in and ordered myself a Pilot Vanishing Point.  It’s a fountain pen that works on a cartridge.  It’s supposed to be a damn good pen.  Like it or not I am stuck with it because I had it monogrammed with my name on it.  It’s bright blue with gold trim, sexy!  It should be here in a week or so.  I also got a Lamy Rollerball that is trimmed in Black & Blue.  I’ve had my eye on both of these for a while.  I am a pen nut and I fully admit it.  The days of the $500 pen for me are gone but it doesn’t mean I still don’t look at Mont Blanc.  They have a Starwalker piece that is black and trimmed in red, oh I want that pen so bad but it’s like$750 and I just can’t justify spending that much money on a damn pen.  It’s nothing special other than it looks nice and has an expensive upscale brand name.  There are other things that I need and have to plan for or I would easily drop the money if it were not such an object for me.  Okay so I’ve been a bad boy, maybe some daddy will come out and spank me – I can only hope or wish.  I thought I have enough money to hire an escort but that would be just as impractical as getting a $750 pen.  I very much believe in treating myself.  Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself but I think I have been through hell and back, a treat now and then it’s the worst thing in the world so long as I can afford it and don’t cause myself a serious financial burden. 

Yesterday evening I got together with my pal that just lost his wife.  We had a great meal and enjoyed each others company.  He had some overwhelming desire to get home, not sure why.  He is dealing with the loss as best as can be expected.  I think he is functioning much better than I did when I was this fresh into losing my spouse.  The difference between us is first of all age and second of all circumstances.  His wife went gradually, My guy went suddenly.  So while both of us suffered a loss the circumstances were different but the pain is the same.  In talking with him I couldn’t believe that I never told him I wrote a book.  I only have one printed copy and that is for me.  I sent him a PDF copy last night after running it through Grammarly.  Wow that caught so many errors.  I started about 9p and it was 1a before I was able to send the message.  I also sent him a very long winded email.  I told him on those nights when you come home, realize your all alone and don’t know what to do, pick up the phone and call me if you want.  I understand being alone until you get used to it really sucks and it just plain hurts.  This place is still too damn quiet for me.  I miss hearing his voice still and all of his questions.  I miss talking with him at lunch time and coming home to a meal that was ready or very close to ready to eat.  However, you get used to these things and develop what my therapist referred to as The New Normal.  Switch things up, do what you want and what makes you happy, because you only go around once. 

I made a remark last night, thank God for porn because if it wasn’t for that I would probably be out of my mind.  He said the same for me.  Then he asked me what sites I hit up and if I pay for any of it.  I think I surprised him when I told him I paid for it.  He uses the tube sites.  I of course reminded him what I am watching is gay porn and what he is interested in is straight porn.  He’s always been verbally expressive about women, even when he was married and his wife was sitting next to him.  It was nothing to be in the middle of dinner and he would say Damn would you look at the rack on her.  Yeah, I think those thoughts about guys but I don’t verbalize them.  Were both in technology, I told him that when you pay for porn you are less likely to get a malicious file.  Content creators are interested in serving up a quality product and making sure they keep you reasonably happy so that you will continue to subscribe month after month, year after year, decade after decade.  Money is an issue for him so I don’t see him subscribing to a site.  I had a link I was going to send to him but I thought before I pressed the SEND button and said you know this email could come back to bite you in the ass and embarrass the hell out of you.  So I took out that link and then sent the message. 

I am glad that I am able to help and offer advice to him.  I honestly wished that I had no experience but I kind of think that this is the way it was meant to be, so that I can help him.  My mission here on earth I feel is to help people and it gives me great satisfaction when I know I have helped.  There isn’t any other feeling quite as good as that for me.  In listening to him it did bring back memories and experiences that I went through.  He won’t have near the trouble I had in getting money as the beneficiary because he is heterosexual and people don’t question that like they do a homosexual marriage or union.  He is still very much grieving.  He got his wife’s ashes back earlier in the day, today he sent me a photo of the urn.  When the weather gets better he is going to the winery to plant her with a tree.  If I am available and invited I will certainly go, it’s quite a ways from here but it’s a trip that I won’t mind making, especially if it can bring some comfort to him. 

I see a lot of parallels between us and the whole loss experience.  Looking over my book and thinking back just makes me want to write again.  It’s a passion but I struggle for subject matter.  If it’s meant to be then a subject will come to me.  I did promise him that eventually the book that I sent him in PDF would be tweaked and fine tuned, then I would have a copy printed and make it for sale again.  I promised him an autographed copy and I plan on living up to that promise.  Now all I have to do is follow through, sounds simple but reality is it’s not.  I have to be in the mood and have time to work on the book.  I want the next time for it to be flawless and perfect in every way, then and only then can I offer it for sale.  Even if I don’t sell a single copy I rushed the first one and don’t want to do that again. 

The night is growing late and soon it will be morning where I will be shuffling off to work yet again.  Time to go enjoy some ice cream and a little time with the children.  When I left to come down stairs the two girls were on the couch at opposite ends.  They look so angelic together but wake them up and they turn into monsters.  Speaking of which I did see a good movie today with Connor Jessup in it, called Closet Monster.  It was on Netflix.  He plays a gay character and is quite good looking in my opinion but the movie it’s self has some suspense with it and that is what made it so good.  You could tell somethings were going to happen and other thing well they were a surprise.  If you have some extra time on your hands and are looking for a good movie, I suggest Closet Monster!

Hope you had a great weekend.  Looking forward to working a full five days for the first time this entire year.  Let’s hope nothing or no one stands in my way.  Next weekend will be haircut time and I am really looking forward to that.  As for now I want to get me ice cream and see me cats.  Take care and stay warm!  

Lazy Saturday

When I came home I remembered that this was the weekend of our neighborhood yard sale.  People flock to that, so that gave me an extra incentive to stay home today.  I pretty well slept the day away until around 2p when I got out of bed and got dressed.  Then headed out to grab the mail and on to Red Lobster for a bite to eat.  Then here I am back home.

My credit card company worked out the bugs with putting a photo on a chipped card, so I have been searching all over the place for the photo I used of Big Boy on one of my cards and can’t find it.  I was able to upload a different photo but really would like to find the photo that I used before.  My pictures are a mess and I need to take time to sort them but it’s one of those things I say I will do when time permits.  Time is permitting now but I am blogging instead. 

The mail didn’t bring me anything good, unless you count a photo of the White House when they switched to rainbow lighting to celebrate Marriage Equality.  It was a mailer from the DNC trying to raise money for the next Democratic Presidential Candidate.   I don’t give money to politicians, they are getting my tax dollars and I feel that is enough.

It’s kind of a blah weekend here.  Wishing I had someone to spend time with.  In other news the Norton Shopping Guarantee that came with my blowjob robot looks like they will cover the cost of the robot since it does nothing for me.  Turns out they put you in touch with the Merchant and then if you can’t resolve the dispute they apparently pay up, but it looks to be a long process.  I filed a claim and am waiting to see how things turn out.  I did verify that I got full credit instead of 30% off for the additional sleeve that I purchased.  I kind of doubt that I will get my money back but it’s at least worth trying.  If the product worked like they claim and felt mind blowing good then I wouldn’t be making a complaint.

I started work on an update to My Book filling in the pieces of the puzzle and how things turned out.  I am taking my time in getting things together and will eventually have it back up on LULU for purchase.  I am proud of my accomplishments, including publishing a book (even if there were some typos). 

Going to head out to Target soon to pick up a few things and probably stop for cat food.  Then tomorrow it will be breakfast and grocery shopping.  I’ve got my $20 coupon and looking forward to using it.  I hope your having a great weekend and enjoying time away from work and the hustle and bustle of what is Monday thru Friday.  One more day!

Retirement

I remember how excited I was when I announced that I had published a book.  Despite not being all that I wanted it to be, it did take a lot of effort on my part.  While I am pleased with my accomplishment and the fact that I was able to tell my story, the truth is most of the world doesn’t care. 

I have been contemplating for a while on what to do with the book.  I haven’t sold a copy, I have given a lot of them away and that helped to get my story into the hands of the people that I wanted to have it. 

I have made some revisions.  I am thinking about things to add and then publishing it again but in a slightly different format.  I am partial to hard back and most books that are published today are done in soft back.  I like the glossy cover.  The content of the book I thought was the hardest thing, but that wasn’t the case at all.  It was the design of the cover.  That is what provided me with the greatest challenge.  I’d love to tell people I interact with both on a personal and professional level that I am a published author.  However, people will be quick to ask what did you write – what’s it about? 

Given the fact that I haven’t sold a single copy I have retired the book a short time ago today.  It is no longer available for purchase.  Once it’s the work of art that I want it to be, I will make it available again to the world.  That will probably be a while. 

Considering that we are nearing the end of the month, I changed the photo at the top of the page.  I decided to keep the overall theme the same for now.  It’s always a tough decision when I go to look for a photo, I have a difficult time deciding.  Partially because I get paralyzed by choice.

So there you have it, a 2nd post on a Sunday from me. 

Office Closed

Yesterday our office was closed due to the recent political case that has sparked controversy across America.  Our management team didn’t get to make this call, the building management made it for them.  They locked the building down and said no one would be allowed to enter.  This gave me a day to myself, which I needed but being human I am greedy and would like another day.  I think its pointless to come back for one day but business is in it for the almighty dollar so here I sit at my desk on what has thus far been a very quiet morning.  They let us wear jeans and there is no charge for that.  Normally on Fridays you can wear jeans for $5 the money goes to a different charity each week.  That is sweet and all but I don’t have money to give away.  I also don’t like being charged to wear my own clothes. So this is the first time I have worn jeans on this job to the office. 

Yesterday I was able to get my car in for service, so the transmission got taken care of.  Of course my wallet was taken advantage of but that was to be expected.  While I was there for the first time they had donuts from a new shop that opened across the street.  I got a Blueberry Cake Donut that was just out of sight.  I could eat a couple more.  That helped to pass the time – it took 2 hours.  Doesn’t seem like a long time until you are the one sitting and waiting.  I also got to call the bank and found that my last car payment is less than a normal payment.  Today is pay day and I actually have enough left over to pay it off early if I wanted to but I am hanging on to my extra money for groceries, cat food and maybe I will be able to save a little bit  I was also able to go to the bar and participate in Taco Tuesday.  I put away 8 tacos that’s 4 soft and 4 hard, which are deep fried.  Yes I was stuffed!

My home loan has been sold so I have a new bank to deal with.  They send monthly statements which I find odd but nice.  I have signed up for on-line access to my account and all appears to be well.  I have scheduled my first payment for Monday.  The due date is still at the 1st of the month with a 15 day grace period, after that look out there are major fees.  Kind of nice because that is how I planned to pay for it.  I am still waiting on my refund from the other lender and I have a sinking feeling that they are going to send it to the Bankruptcy court and not to me.  Time will of course tell.  They have 30 days from the date the loan was paid off to get it to me and time is running out.

I realized that I promised another friend a copy of my book so I had to order some additional proof copies.  My Amazon order came yesterday and I got all but 1 item that I ordered.  I reach out to Amazon and they issued a refund, which is what I asked for.  I will say they have great customer service and yes I am a Prime Member.  I am addicted to 2 day free shipping. 

Last night I spoke with my friends and we have developed our plan of attack for Thursday.  Like last year I will drive to their house, they will drive to pick up a friend of theirs and then we will all arrive at the restaurant at the same time.  I am so looking forward to it.  I haven’t heard from my other friends that I invited and I suspect they aren’t coming.  Another pal of mine said you’d think they would at least call and let you know.  Yeah, they are letting me know by not calling.  I get it. 

So a friends wireless phone went out.  He has been out of contract for 2 years and he went to the AT&T store and got signed up on their next service, which allows him to get a new phone every 2 years.  When he told me this I couldn’t hold my reaction back and said oh no.  That is because when I was there I did the math and I had the same option to consider.  You actually wind up paying double what your phone is worth.  Plus he switched plans away from unlimited everything, which is another huge mistake in my opinion.  He didn’t have money to buy a phone outright, so he did the next thing.  He has a new Nokia Windows Based phone.  I am anxious to see it, not that I am going to switch but new tech is always of interest to me.  I just hate to see him taken advantage of because of his financial status.  He makes far less than I do but has much better benefits and time off than I do.  So in the end it evens out, especially since he has a pension that he will be able to draw from when he retires.  His house is also paid for.  I just think he is in credit card debt up to his ears. 

As we draw closer to the holiday I can’t help but think of my two guys.  First being my late partner and Second being Mr. Blu.  I really wished they were both still here.  They made the house come alive and it’s actually really quiet.  LB is following me around like a lost puppy and always wanting food.  Yesterday I tripped over him and some how managed to chop off 1/2 of a toe nail.  Not the nail bed (thank God) but the actual nail.  I have almost fallen several times because of him.  He gets kicked often because he is in the way and I don’t see him.  That was my late partners only objection to cats.  They love to circle and hand out around your feet.  Driving in today I thought wow tomorrow is Thanksgiving and then it hit me.  You’d think that it would be a little easier since in 5 months or so it will be 2 years.  I also wish that I could tell people here at work, I know everyone would be shocked first that I lost a spouse and second that I am gay.  However, some things are better kept under wraps.  I will be thinking of him tomorrow and there is no doubt that his absence will be felt at the table as we sit and choose what menu items we want.  He always enjoyed looking at the holiday decorations.  He loved food as do I so this I would say was his favorite holiday, I know it is mine.  He liked the leftovers so he would make an entire meal for us to eat at home as well and we would have Turkey for days.  I miss his Turkey Noodle Soup.  It wasn’t the best thing in the world but the effort and love tasted wonderfully.  The more I write the more I kind of think that I took him for granted and didn’t really appreciate him enough.  I guess that is a normal reaction when you are grieving. 

On a different note, the wonder of the day is will they let us go early since it’s the day before a holiday.  I say since we had yesterday off they will make us work the entire day.  If we get to go early they won’t announce it until after lunch and typically they allow everyone to leave 2 hours before their normal end time.  I will happily take what I can get.  Monday I had the worry about what I would do, well that worry soon turned in to all sorts of problems and I found myself crazy busy.  Now, today I feel the quiet, a lot of people are out of the office and call volume will be way down unless of course something major breaks.  So I think today is the day that will drag on forever and that there won’t be much to do.  Well I know that the time will pass eventually.  I am high on sugar right now.  I had a Cinnamon Roll with my breakfast and then a co-worker stopped at a bakery and picked up a cookie with frosting on it.  So once that sugar wears off it will be nap time.  I could get away with that if I stay in the inventory closet, but the consequences are far too great if I get caught so I will stay awake and try to occupy my time.

I hope that you all have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy the rest of the week.  If your crazy enough to go out on Black Friday be careful!  You might get a good deal but that deal isn’t worth your life or a limb.  People get crazy on bargain day.  In fact some stores are even opening later in the day on Thanksgiving.  I think that is totally uncalled for but welcome to the world of retail where cash is king!

In my dreams

Ever since I worked so hard to get my book published I have been having some strange dreams.  I am reliving past experiences and they take a twist and something unexpected happens.  Most of these have turned into nightmares.  The brain does some strange things when it’s at rest, or is it ever at rest?

Last night I had 2 Italian Sausage Tortas’.  They are like pot pies but filled with cheese, sausage and marinara sauce.  They were good but very filling.  Last time I only had one and wanted another, this time I had 2 and should have stopped at 1.  I guess next time I will know to be better.  I worked on getting my health insurance paid, there was a small billing error on their part. I wish they wouldn’t have caught it, but it’s over and done now.  Then I approved my book for distribution.  I already know its going to be rejected because the last page isn’t blank and there is no copyright information contained on the inside.  Its still available for purchase through lulu and that is good enough for me.  If I can make it to other media outlets, well so be it. 

My plans for further promoting it are to send it to a couple of my favorite you tubers in hopes that they give it a mention on their site.  That will attract people if they in fact mention it.  The hardest part is waiting for the proof copies to arrive.  I actually wanted hard back but opted for paper back.  I know I am going to take many people by surprise.  Most people that know me would never expect me to write a book documenting my life.  Then there are other people like my mom and brother, well they won’t be too pleased I think when they read it.  I called it as it was and being honest doesn’t always go over well.  I am not sure if I will give them a copy or even make mention of it.

I actually have an itch to try to write another book but I don’t have a topic.  It is a fun project and you get to revisit some old memories, some of those memories are good and others well not so good.  I just wish there was something that I could do or say that would bring my late partner back.  I would love to see his reaction to all of this, I think he would be amazed and oddly surprised. 

Last night I took a few minutes to consume some water and relax.  While I was doing so, I checked in on all of the dating apps.  No more nibbles for me, at the moment.  That is kind of sad.  Part of me says go balls out and just hit up everyone you are attracted to.  The other part of me says let it be, eventually you will cross paths with your future Mr. Right.  I know that I can’t sit by and wait for him to knock on my door because that won’t ever happen.  I did find that I am not the only gay guy in my subdivision, thanks to Grindrs location feature.  I have no idea who the guys were that I saw on, but they were very close by. 

Tomorrow I have to leave early for a presentation.  In fact it’s right after lunch, there has been a change to the presentation and they want to do some testing ahead of schedule.  I am fine with that but now I have to bring our equipment and plan on staying for a couple hours.  I really don’t want to but I should still get out by 3:30 and that will be 3 hours extra to spend at home.  Wednesday is TV night so I think if all goes according to plan, it will coordinate very well.  I should get the relaxation and time away from work that I want. 

While I was at lunch I got an approval message for both the day after Christmas and the day after New Years.  Good to know that I will be off.  Bad thing is in about 3 weeks I will be on call again.  It’s only for a week but still it’s like for a week I am not my own person, my actions are governed by work.  I have no idea what the schedule will be like next year but I hope that I can go months before I have to do it again.

It’s been a busy day today.  There is another guy here at work who I am attracted to.  I kind of feel that he is interested in me or so I thought when I started.  He is married and has a child, that today means nothing.  I was talking with him and found myself constantly getting tongue tied and not being able to talk.  It’s funny how our emotions sometimes take advantage of us.  I haven’t made a move and have no plans.  Coworkers no matter how hot they are, in my book are off limits.  Making a move first of all would subject my sexuality to spread like wild fire and secondly even if it stayed a secret, eventually people talk and well relationships don’t always go as well as you want them to.  I know there are plenty of people who met at work and are still going strong today.  Me, well I don’t want to work with my boyfriend – I don’t mind if we are in the same field or work in the same industry but that is as close as I want to get.  It’s better and safer that way. 

Well enough personal stuff, I have to prepare to get back to work.  Lots to take care of this afternoon and before you know it I will be in the home stretch counting down the minutes.  I did write a letter to Lawn Boy asking for a refund, I wrote it this morning and printed it off.  Now I have to sign it and mail it out, then we shall see if he will be so accommodating as to give me a refund.  I mentioned nothing about the bushes, because it seems as if he isn’t interested in taking that on right now, even though he promised me he would.  Thus far we haven’t really had any major issues and I really don’t want one now.  I know he isn’t the only grass cutter and bush whacker in the area but I have formed a rapport with him and trust him, probably more than I should.

I told the children last night that they were all mention in my book.  I was brushing Marvin and out of all of the cats he actually hates to be brushed.  You can pet or scratch him and he will be your friend.  Break out the brush and he is ready to bolt.  Thankfully because of his large stature he is an easy target.  I brushed him and then gave him his medicine.  He slept with me for a bit last night and then asked me to let him out.  Before I left he was hiding under the couch, which I suspect means he doesn’t feel good.  I am sure I will go home and find that he threw up in my bed again.  That’s my boy predictable more so than the weather. 

All is going okay here, hope you can say the same in your neck of the woods.  I will talk with you peeps later.

The Real Life Odd Couple

In my last post I told you that I have been busy.  I didn’t mention what I was doing and well if you let your imagination run wild, who knows what you will think I was doing.  A couple weeks ago I rushed to get my book published, I ordered a proof copy and afterwards had some additional thoughts.  Plus I saw a few mistakes.  So I fixed all of that and spent this entire weekend pouring over the book.  I proofed it three times.  The first two on screen and the final from paper.  I am very pleased with it. 

Last night I submitted it for publishing and again have a proof copy on the way.  It’s actually a requirement that you order a proof.  The folks at Lulu made the entire process very simple.  The only thing I wasn’t planned for was how would the cover look?  I had given zero thought to that.  I found myself scrambling at the last minute to design a cover. 

Long story short, the book is done.  I have released it for purchase without even seeing my proof.  I am that confident that it says exactly what I wanted to say and it’s done to my standards.  I didn’t dream of making money from this, but that is a nice idea.  I believe the book is reasonably priced and it’s actually listed as #4 on the new book list this week at Lulu.com. 

I’d like to get my story out there for the world to read.  One thing that I had to admit and have wanted to keep from publishing here is that Jeremy Ryan is a pen name.  It’s not my actual name.  Plus in my blog I have given made up names for my cats.  The book releases their real first names.  I will put a translation chart below, in case your interested.  Everything else contained in this blog and in my book is 100% the truth and nothing but.  My real name isn’t something that I am quite ready to release to the world.  In the book I refer to my late partner as Oscar.  That of course is not his real name.  I hope that you enjoy the story and have some positive take away from it. 

Click the button below or on the side bar to purchase my book.  I am so excited that I am trying to think up other things to write about.  Perhaps this will be my sole publication and perhaps it will be the start to many publications.  Only time will tell.

For my regular reader and Canadian Friend Jude, I am more than happy to send you an autographed copy of one of the proofs, once I receive them.  You have been there for me for the longest time and I feel that this is the least I can do.  You will need to email me your address so that I can ship it to you.  Hopefully, it will arrive in plenty of time for Christmas. 

Okay, so that’s my BIG news.  Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

 

CAT NAME TRANSLATION CHART

 

BLOG NAME                  REAL LIFE NAME

Jumper                           Marvin

Big Boy                          Bear

TAZ                               LB (which stands for Little Bear)

Shy Girl                         Ruthie

Momma                         Lucky

BLU                               BLU

Other Girl/Little Girl         Insty