15 June 2015

No One Said It Would Be Easy

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  I hashed things out with my friend.  Her son put her in a hell of a position but this is me we are talking about.  I mean we have told each other things that shouldn’t have been told.  I weighed my options and parting ways, well it wouldn’t solve anything and it would hurt us both.  Frankly we need each other.  I was really deeply hurt and disappointed in her.  However, I have chosen to continue our friendship.  This little escapade took up a good part of my afternoon and evening.  I was not a happy person.

To further complicate things Mr. Bear had one of his diarrhea attacks and he got another bath in the kitchen sink.  He stressed himself out so much he began throwing up – it was dry heaves, which I think is worse than actually throwing up.  Poor guy he was a mess.  That extra stress isn’t good for him but he was messed up beyond what I could repair with a paper towel or baby wipe.  This continued well past 10pm. 

Finally we all settled in to bed and called it a night.  I got to see Ron White’s Comedy Salute to the troops, which wasn’t that funny.  I got to see Last Week Tonight and Nurse Jackie – both okay. 

I woke up this morning at 5a and my allergies were acting up.  I kind of had a feeling if I got going that things would calm down.  I was to the point where I didn’t give a damn about anyone or anything.  I had breakfast, fed the children and then took my medicine along with a Benadryl.  I wanted to take 2 but only took 1.  I took the day off from work, which was also against my better judgment but I did it.  I slept a few extra hours in the morning.  The children benefited by getting lunch.  I ate some Chex Mix and drank a soda.  I took an afternoon nap.  I watched the movie The Judge.  It was a great movie and didn’t exactly go as I thought it would.  At the end of the movie Willie Nelson sings a song The Scientist which was written by Cold Play.  That song sent me over the edge.  The longer I listened to it the more I realized that I am all alone and my life has been miserable at best since my partner passed away.  I keep on fighting one battle after another.  It’s been that way for some 2 years now.  I am tired, I want to give up, I want it all to be over.  I’d like very much to start a new but finding someone to start a new with is proving more difficult than I thought.  BTW I am not a Willie Nelson fan, but I think he did a good job with the song.

Last night I looked at the site that my mom referred me to.  It’s for Catholic Gay’s.  Yeah it’s not exactly conversion therapy but they don’t encourage you to find a mate, they want you to be abstinent so that your not ‘sinning’.   Yeah she might have thought it was a dating site but it’s very much not that.  Skipping this one.  They can work their magic on someone else.

When I talked with my therapist one of the things that I talked about is a Psychotic Break.  I didn’t know what it was.  The simple version is that everyday tasks are so overwhelming people just stop functioning.  They usually wind up in a hospital in order to get better.  The fix for Mental Health is pills – lots of them and talking.  Not to mention if you get Mental Help there are things in life that you can no longer do because society things that your incapable of making an intelligent decision.  It is unlikely that I will suffer from this.  However, with days like today I begin to wonder.  I really don’t want to be around anyone or anything, just left alone.  That soon wears off and I wind up feeling guilty because I didn’t go to work or because I wasted a day. 

The upside of this is that I did venture out to Cracker Barrel and had a nice early supper.  Catfish, Mac & Cheese, Carrots and Green Beans.  Corn Bread and a couple Diet Sodas to wash it all down.  Then I finished up with Strawberry Shortcake.  It was yummy and wound up costing me close to $20 with tip.  I got to see a cute cashier that I have a crush on, we didn’t interact but I did see him.  I also managed to get the trash out early before the storm hit. 

Tomorrow life goes back to normal.  I am not so sure that I am ready for that.  We were very busy today and I am kind of glad that I got to sit this one out. 

I got confirmation that my letter made it to the Bankruptcy Attorney.  I thought perhaps that along with the letter from the Trustee’s office would have jolted him into action.  In checking with The Court there has been no action taken as of today.  Tomorrow I get to talk with the attorney that I was referred to to find out what if any should be my next move.  I pray that it won’t be a fight and that there won’t be any liability I am looking at.  If my brain was functioning I should have called the Estate Attorney today but didn’t think of that until it was too late.  Yeah so tomorrow is another day. 

Given that I am uncertain of what my future holds at this point, I have elected not to terminate my relationship with my therapist. 

I learned today that Lass Pass was hacked, so if you use that service like I do, you want to change your master password.  Your individual accounts are safe at this point.  I double checked all of my financial accounts and had problems with 1 bank, I was starting to panic but eventually I was able to login, changed that password and found that none of my accounts had been tampered with.  In this day and age it’s easy to login to someone's bank account and transfer money to another account with a couple clicks.  I don’t need any more trauma or drama in my life – there is plenty going on already.  Stay tuned if I hear of anything else about this I will be sure to post it.  Seems like now a days no one or nothing is off limits it’s like hack the world.  Were all going to go nuts trying to remember passwords, security passphrases and the answers to our security questions.  Ah, technology your such a pain in the ass sometimes. 

I leave you with the video of The Scientist as preformed by Willie Nelson at the end of the movie The Judge.  Talk with you all again soon.  Thanks for listening/reading. 

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