Happy Birthday Sweetie

 

Today would have been my partners 73rd birthday.  Normally I think about what to get him weeks in advance and then can’t wait to spring it on him days before his birthday because I simply can’t wait.  This year there is no need to worry about a gift and there is no joy or excitement building and no need for a card.  Yes, I am sad because he is not here with me but he lives in my heart and he always will until the day I take my last breath.

Much to my surprise today just feels like an ordinary day, mostly because I am going through the motions of what I normally do on the weekend.  Writing this has a knot in my throat and I will probably shed a couple tears before I am done.  However, there is sadness in my heart and I think that is palpable by those around me, which at the moment are all cats.  They are very affectionate, one in particular more so than usual. 

I believe with every fiber of my being that my partner is in Heaven and is smiling down upon me.  I hear his voice calling my name now and then.  I hear some of his words of wisdom as well.  I still can’t believe that this is reality and I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare with him close by. 

Memories are all I have and they play often over and over in my head.  I think about the good times, the bad times and just in general time together.  I miss talking with him at lunch time, coming home to a hot meal that wasn’t previously frozen.  The pain from his loss is nothing that a drug or any person can take away.  I feel it and it is very raw.  I want to scream, I want to cry and I don’t want to move on – I don’t want to continue to live my life without him in it.  However, I realize that death is a part of life.  The part that is not often spoke of, the part that everyone will have to deal with eventually.

I have many regrets. One of which is not being by his side after they removed life support.  I promised him I would be there and I wouldn’t let him die alone.  However, we both know that would have scared me for life and it is probably something better that I didn’t see it.  However I feel that I failed him.  The hole that is in my heart and the void that is in my life is HUGE.  The pain simply can’t be put into words.  I am all alone and being alone is the scariest of feelings, especially when your used to being around someone else for 20 plus years. 

Thinking about the progress that I have made I am very proud of myself in the hurdles that I have conquered and I know he would be as well.  There are two more hurdles to deal with and once they are done I am hopeful that I can heal and somehow manage to move on. 

I am NOT the same person that I was before he died.  His passing is a life changing event and as such everything about me has changed regardless if it is visible or not. 

I am keeping my last promise to him in that I will make him proud.  I know he would be very surprised at how well most things have come together.  There are a couple of circumstances and burdens I have been shackled with that he wouldn’t be too happy about. 

While my wish when it came to death was that we all pass together at the same time, that is wishful thinking and probably something everyone at some point thinks.  Reality is that we will all pass at our appointed time and regardless of heroic measures or not, if it is truly our time there is nothing anyone will be able to do to save us.

My life from the time I was born was an up hill battle and I have been fighting battles all of my life.  I’m tired and need rest.  I need things to just fall into place and to experience joy and peace.  I want to be comfortable not only in my living space but in life in general.  I hope that there is another man out there for me and that sooner rather than later our paths will cross.  Of course he will never be able to replace what I had but hopefully we will be able to make a new future together.

I realize that me being 42 and my partner being in his 70’s there was an unnatural balance there.  It was like the odds were against us and we both figured that he would go first.  I am so very thankful that I got to spend as many years with him as I did.  That I was there to help and provide comfort, joy and make him feel like no one else could.  I know I was very special to him and that he loved me more than words can express, because he told me that often so it would make a lasting impression with me.  One thing is for certain that I will NEVER forget him.

I remember many years ago when I was younger and my grandmother passed, he was there to comfort me.  I thought that I would never get over her and well it’s been over 20 years and I am used to it.  This event with my partner is still very fresh and new, which is why it hurts so damn much. 

I see him in the house and there are still many items of his here.  I don’t go into his room or his office space much because I don’t want to stir up memories or deal with the contents of those two spaces.  However, I know that eventually I will have to.  I am very surprised that I was able to get rid of his clothes.  That was a huge move for me and not one that was easily done. 

Now that the weather has changed I find myself wearing his leather jacket because it’s lighter weight than the led vest that is my leather jacket.  Each time I put on my leather jacket regardless of the year it feels like a huge hug from my partner.  I wish with all of my heart that I was able to hug him.  His remains are in my bedroom and I stare at the urns often thinking about their contents.

So what normally would be an average day for him and one that he would rather not talk about or celebrate would have been special to me because it would be celebrating another year on earth as well as his life. 

My prayer is that Almighty God would help heal my heart, cause my finances to fall into shape, allow me to feel job security and hopefully reward me with a new job.  To not ever struggle financially again, to be able to continue bringing joy and comfort to my many cats.  Then bring me closer to finding a new soul mate to grow old with.  To experience joy and happiness again, to bring many more smiles and joy into my life and that  would be able to expand those people that I call friends.  Help me to deal with the passing of each of the cats when each of their times come.  Someday to allow me to be able to take a true two week vacation with not a care or worry in the world and to simply have the time of my life.  That he would continue to bless each one of you and keep you safe, healthy and happy.  That the world in general will be a better place.  Amen.

In loving memory of my very special guy I conclude this post, wipe away my tears and will continue to push myself forward each and every day.  I love you sweetie and I pray that you are at peace.