13 April 2013

Power Paper


Sorry for not updating you sooner, but my partner passed away on 04-April after life support was removed.  His kidneys had shutdown.  He developed pneumonia and they were suctioning blood out of him.  He was in the process of getting ready to have a heart attack.  So the end result would have been the same, it just would have put him through more pain and prolonged the process.  I said my goodbyes, which was difficult.  His son couldn’t be bothered to come say goodbye and asked me to do it for him. This has just been a total and complete nightmare and I am wondering when I am going to wake up.  I had him cremated, because it was the cheapest option available.

It’s amazing what power a piece of paper has.  I’m speaking of a Death Certificate.  I really can’t do anything until I have this document.  Hopefully, it comes through this week, but I was told to be prepared to wait up to a total of 3 weeks from the time of death, which would put this at the end of the month.

In speaking to friends and family members of my late partner, most knew we were a couple.  He didn’t want to confirm or deny it, just let it ride and hopefully no one would bring it up.  I felt so comfortable after people accepted me for who I am.

This week has been difficult.  I have spoken to a couple attorneys and have to talk with another one next week.  It sounds like I will wind up going through probate.  This would be for my protection and to protect the biggest asset my guy had, which is the house. 

Right now everything is up in the air, I can’t sell anything and have stopped trying to clean up.  It’s a never ending process and nothing says I have to be done this week or this weekend.  Since there is so much shit to sift through it’s going to take time.  I have resigned myself to that fact and decided to start taking care of myself, which is what matters most here. 

I know he wouldn’t want me to worry, feel sad and that he didn’t leave me willingly.  I know how very much he loved me and how much I loved him.  There is a HUGE void in my life and it’s going to take time to heal.

People have asked me about getting a roommate or finding another boyfriend.  Tempting as it is for the physical relationship.  Me and my hand will be about as close as I get to another person.  I may find someone eventually but it’s not something in my plans, especially my immediate plans. 

My goal is to keep the house, take care of the cats and try my very best to keep my head above water while making my guy proud of me. 

Tomorrow is my last day off and I return to work on Monday.  I really dread that but I think once I am in it, I will breathe easier.  I’ve got plenty to do and there is pending litigation at work which will also help to keep me busy trying to track down things and do research.  I am hopeful that I am not sent on any road trips for a while.  I have no worry about finding someone to watch the critters but it would be nice not to add more worry into my life.

I did take Big Boy to the vet this week.  They have him 3 to 6 months to live.  I hope that he outlives this deadline.  I am doing my best to keep up with his medicine and it will be easier to deal with when I get back to work.

My evenings won’t be like they used to.  I will have to feed the cats and then take care of fixing myself something to eat.  It’s going to be very difficult but I have no doubts we will make it.

There is life insurance, actually more than I anticipated but it’s still a very small amount.  I am so glad that I took a policy on him last year.  Never mind that I won’t get the full benefit, at least getting my money back plus 10% will help.

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and good vibes.  I probably won’t be blogging as often as I used to but I have every plan to keep on blogging.  It will help with the healing process.

Right now it’s late, I need to spend time with the critters and I am still catching up on laundry.  2 weeks worth.  Most of my stuff is done.  I still have to wash his bed clothes and I honestly don’t want to.  However, I realize that no matter what I do, it won’t bring him back.  He is gone and all I have now are the memories.  There are good and bad memories but 25 years together was awesome.  I was hoping that we could make it longer, but I am happy to have gotten that much time with him.

Good night, god bless and I will talk with you peeps later.

1 comment:

Jude said...

This will undoubtedly be the hardest, saddest thing you will ever go through, it makes me feel so helpless knowing what you are feeling. My prayers go out for you my friend.

Thank goodness you won't have to worry about finding someone to look after your kitties, I was actually wondering about that should you have to go out on the road again.

Hopefully getting back to work tomorrow will help a little just keeping you busy on "every day" things. Good luck, and keep us posted!