23 September 2015

Did you miss me?

In case you didn’t notice I was gone for a day.  I took a blogger break, if you will.  Work was a technology nightmare in the making yesterday.  We had our email issue first.  Now scans aren’t showing up and then our document management system hiccupped that just caused a frenzy of calls.  I was happy when my phone time ended.  If that wasn’t bad enough the guy next to me that has been sick for a couple weeks, well I think he has given it to me.  My sinuses started pouring and I have this tickle in my throat that causes me to cough and I generally feel run down.  I made it through the day yesterday.  I drank 40 ounces of water.  Had a couple cough drops and swallowed are you ready for this?  A Benadryl.  Yeah while I was at work.  I was so tired I fell asleep during lunch while I was watching TV on my phone. 

Once the work day was over with I went to get what was waiting for me at the post office.  A post card from my friend on vacation, a bill and a letter from my mother.  Yeah I didn’t need the last one.  However, I figured something would result from my blocking them.  The letter was enough to mess with my head.  It’s written in large letters and in some cases isn’t legible at all.  Like my brother she tries to use guilt to motivate me, telling me that I only visited her 1 time when she was in the hospital.  Yeah okay, if I was playing on her level I would retort and say well you abused me as a child.  That would surely bring the conversation to a screeching halt.  I did draft a response to her, I am professional and basically telling her that I have tried to work with my brother, who she wants me to contact.  He hears my advice but does nothing.  I am tired of wasting my breath and it’s totally unfair to her because she is caught in the middle.  I explain to her that her fears are not real and that it’s just like a kid who thinks there is a monster hiding under their bed.  The fear is real but the monster is not.  Once you realize that, everything changes.  I go on to explain how my brother has legal power and I do not.  I also explain that I have been through quite the ordeal with losing my spouse, trying to close out his life and stay afloat – during which process I lost my job and things were looking pretty down for a while.  I have survived and done a damn good job.  I had to fight for everything I have and there was no one who was helping me.  Did you catch the subtle bit of guilt I dropped?  I explain that I am not able to assist her due to my loss and still trying to recover from it.  When your closing out another persons life and you are fighting legal and financial battles, it doesn’t provide much time to grieve.  It is now that I am able to deal with all of that.  She told me that she understood he’s gone but she is my mother.  Yeah last time I checked spouse trumped mother.  Plus neither her or my brother have lost a spouse and until you go through that, you will never appreciate the amount of pain that I am in and the horrific loss that I feel.  Sure, we have all experienced loss but the loss of a spouse is far greater than what anyone can fathom.  Especially given the circumstances surrounding his death.  The momma drama has messed with my head but I am doing my best to work around it.  Just when I had recovered and felt comfortable with my decision, presto she reappears.  I do realize that some people might think that I am her son so I have an obligation.  However, with all of the crap I have been through with her in my lifetime I think my debt was paid a long time ago and the books are even.  My brother holds the legal power and it’s not my fault that he is a pansy and is thinking with his dick instead of his brain.  Maybe he will wake up, maybe he won’t – either way I honestly don’t care.  I am divorcing myself from the situation, because that is what I feel is right.  A polish proverb comes to mind …. Not my monkeys … Not my circus!

I say I drafted my response but I have not printed or mailed it.  It will require some fine editing and I will be working on that.  This little ordeal coupled with my sinus issues caused me to have a horrible nights sleep.  Consequently I stayed home today.  Took another Benadryl and went back to bed.  I did sleep away a good portion of the day.  I kept thinking how it would be good to get the vehicles serviced but then I thought I needed my rest.  There would be another day for that.  The children have been all over me, all day long and enjoyed the fact that I stayed home because that entitled them to lunch.  They were not shy about asking for it, either.

My goal is to relax for the rest of the afternoon and evening.  Then return to work tomorrow and finish out the week.  Hopefully I will find my chair waiting for me.  If not Thursday then it should be there by Friday is what we were told.  Here is hoping that I make it through the rest of the week and my body starts to feel better soon. 

In the land of dating, I have found a lot of guys on the app that I have messaged but no one messages me back.  A few really cute guys.  I really want to give up but I know that I won’t find anyone that way.  I need some good to come into my life and in an abundance! 

I hope that all is well in your world!

1 comment:

Jude said...

Ugh, sorry to hear you're under the weather. I hope by today you are feeling better!