Twelve years ago today my life changed forever when I lost the love of my life. I remember it like it was yesterday and it was truly a nightmare that came to life. A day that I knew always would happen someday but one that I wasn’t ready for when it did happen. You prepare mentally for it but when it happens regardless of how much you prepare your just not ready, at least that was my experience.
My spouse had suffered from a massive stroke and I had to remove life support as meaningful recovery wasn’t possible and it was his worst nightmare to be trapped in a working body. Oddly enough all of his nightmares and fears were like predictions because sadly they all came true.
Today it feels like just another day but in years past it has been quite the sensitive day for me. I still miss him and that I am told will be a life long feeling that just never goes away. It is true with time memories fade and you don’t recall things as crystal clear as you once did. I’m glad that I wrote a book about our life, despite the original print being riddled with grammatical errors it still memorializes things and I look back at it from time to time. I’ve fixed the grammatical errors and thoughts about a second publishing but never quite got around to it. The book was available for purchase for a very short time but it never sold and honestly I didn’t think it would.
A lot has changed since that day and I am still confident to say that he would be proud of me for making it. I never thought I would survive and things would turn out nearly as well as they have. It was a rough battle and a costly one both emotionally and financially. Yet, here I am. A lesson that I learned is that you never know what you will do until your back is pinned against the wall and you have no way out. Your capable of doing more than you think! I also learned that there is nothing like a crisis to show you who your true friends really are. Most of the people that we thought of as friends have faded away, they all offered to call on them for help but when called upon they failed me. The only true person you can count on in this world is yourself, but it sure does help to have some true friends.
I am not a fan of the month of April ever since this day unfolded twelve years ago, it’s the one month that I wish I could skip. However, no such luck. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my late spouse would want me to move on and to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It’s not that I haven’t tried but just haven’t found that person yet. I am still looking not as much as I could but my eyes are open. While I don’t think I will be successful with this quest I haven’t given up hope. Time is my enemy here because you never know when it’s your expiration date. In some respects it would be handy to know but in other respects it’s better that it remains a mystery.
Looking at my family history my grandfather lived into his 70’s and my grandmother and mom lived into their early 60’s. Others from both my grandfathers and grandmothers side of the family have lived longer. This is my mom’s parents. I’ve got no idea about my dad’s side of the family since he disowned us. To my knowledge he’s still alive. My best guess and that’s truly what it is, is that I will probably be around into my 60’s or 70’s. Hell I might live to be 90. I just hope that I am in a position to either take care of myself or be surrounded by people who will take care of me and not to be stuck in a nursing home – those places suck and are hell on earth. That’s just my opinion.
I say it often and I mean it more than anyone knows. I really do miss my family. That’s my late spouse and all of our cats. I miss the life I had which at the time in looking back was happiness. We did some traveling, ate really good, enjoyed each others company, went to concerts, sporting events and some dinner parties. Had some great sex and got each other through some difficult & trying times.
We met when I was still very much a kid, despite being 18. We were together for about 25 years and while it seems like a lifetime it’s only been half of my life. He finished raising me and teaching me what I call street smarts. Hell I didn’t even have a drivers license when we met and he taught me to drive, something I was deathly afraid of. I think of that often when I am behind the wheel, that if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depending on public transportation or taking some ride share. It’s great to be able to get in a vehicle and just drive to where ever, when ever you want.
I’m not quite sure how to wrap up this post as I could go on and on. I am so thankful that we met and for all of the experiences (both good & bad). I hope that I can find someone who loves me half as much as I loved this man. I hope that he is resting in peace. He’s always on my mind and the memories live on within me. It’s a difficult day but I’ll make it through just as I have for the past twelve years. One day at a time!
2 comments:
I know it's a sad day.....but focus on all your good memories. From reading your blog it seems you were so lucky to have him. You had 25 great years, right?
You are so right I was very lucky to have him. Yes 25 great years which is quite the milestone.
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