Hello and welcome, thanks for stopping by!
Today is my late spouses birthday. If he were alive he would be old today. In some ways I am thankful that there are issues that I didn’t have to deal with but at the same time I feel like I was cheated out of time with him. He’s only been gone for 10 years and a lot can and did happen in those 10 years. Regardless, I know that he would be proud of the progress I have made. He would be saddened and heart broken (as am I) to know that all of our original cats have passed. I’m glad that he didn’t have to see any of them go but at the same time I wish he was with me when they did because it would have been a little bit more comforting. I remember that last major birthday that we celebrated together. I made a video wishing him a happy birthday, back with my first web cam and I also recorded his reaction to the edible arrangement that I got for him, it was over the top and he unwrapped it and the two of us sat at the kitchen table for 30 minutes to an hour just eating fruit. Damn it was good but it was expensive. I’m glad that I did it and spent the money. The memories truly are priceless!
It’s a bitter sweet day for me. However, I am glad that I am the survivor because there is no way in the world that I believe he would have been able to continue with life without me. Lord knows what would have happened to the cats, I know he loved them but I just picture him physically and mentally shutting down. It’s something I will never know how it would have turned out. However, I wish that we (including the cats) could have all gone together so that there would be no sorrow or suffering by any of us. I am certain the cats missed him and to this very day I still miss him.
It does get easier with time to deal with but it’s still difficult. A couple weeks ago I had a sleep paralysis dream, that he died and I was all alone. When I finally was able to break free and wake up, it was like waking up just days after he passed. It was all suddenly fresh again and I really was alone. Talk about your sobering reminders. That really sucked. It’s still kind of fresh today.
My belief is that were all here to serve a purpose or a mission, when that is fulfilled then we die. His purpose or mission is clear to me. However, mine is not and I still wonder why in the world I am still here. I’m not exactly bubbling with joy, no far from it. I am miserable but just try to make the best of it. Putting on a brave face and just sticking one foot in front of the other. Going to bed more often than not hoping that I don’t wake up. I don’t have high hopes for finding another companion much less having sex. I think however long I am here it’s just going to continue to suck until one day I am no more.
Not exactly an upbeat post but it’s how I feel. I don’t know if there is enough drugs or therapy in the world to turn things around for me. Meeting the right person could and would turn things around, short of that unless I happen to stumble into winning the lottery I’m fucked and not in a good way. Just feeling a bit more alone today than normal.
Thinking of taking a trip to the buffet or at the very least a decent long drive just to get out of the area but not until tomorrow. The most difficult part of that will be actually getting out of the house and moving forward with the idea. I know it will help me even if it’s supposed to rain all day.
I do hope that the outlook from your neck of the woods on life is 100% better than mine. Depression and loneliness isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading my no so uplifting words today. Your visit is very much appreciated.
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