Last night I got to thinking about work and after having supper and sitting for a bit, I opted to just go in. I was able to work on the door and get it back to a working state. Oddly enough though what I thought would be the fix turned out not to work. I left and things were in working order, I tested and re-tested multiple times. I pray that it stays working. On the way home last night I was hot from all of the running around that I was doing. I drove home with the windows partially open and the cold air felt so good plus I was in my coat and sweating. This morning I have one hell of a headache not sure if it was from last night or if it’s just one of those headaches I get occasionally.
I was surprised when I showed up that there was a box of Chocolate that was sent to me. I first was surprised that it was still on my desk since things have a way of walking out when I am not around. It came by FedEx and was addressed to me so that might have been the saving grace. Despite it being chocolate, I focused on why I was there and took the Chocolate home. When I got home, I opened it and found that it was from a couple of folks in the office sending me their condolences on Gator’s passing. That was very nice and totally unexpected. It’s the same folks that always do something when they hear I lost another one. Normally it’s a tangible gift and not an edible one but I was still caught off guard and quite touched.
Obviously since I went in last night, I am at home today. I really hadn’t planned on going in at all this week. However, since I kind of needed to I am glad that I got to do it on my own terms and I was able to work without an audience. That’s when I do my best work, especially when things don’t go as I had thought they would. I know that technically I should have gone in today but I liked the hour of sleeping in the extra hour. Next Wednesday I have to go in because of a change that is being made with my account. I like to go in on Tuesday’s just to get it out of the way. The odd thing is that the change that is being made will leave me unable to function for up to 2 hours so I will get to play plus if you figure in lunch (that is if I actually take the full hour) that will be 3 hours doing nothing and you know I’m going to leave early so it’s really not to their advantage and not really worth my time but I will comply. I know that things would be okay if I stayed home because it’s my laptop that needs to be in the office and not me. Guess what my laptop is already there.
Thinking about the whole adoption thing. I stared at the new cats faces last night via the photo that is posted of them on-line. I really don’t want them, that is my general feeling. However, I can just see their faces saying please take a chance on us. Everyone else has but it hasn’t worked out, we know that we will be very happy at your house and bring you lots of joy. With that in mind it’s kind of tear jerking but I think I am going to give it a go. I’ve got to whip this place into shape and plan on starting on that tonight and then I can have time to finish up either before or after I see the doctor tomorrow. I still have plenty of time to change my mind and we will see if I still feel the same way after the meet & greet tomorrow afternoon. I feel like I could be their savior. My only fear is that they won’t grow on me and I will want to/need to give them back. I’m not looking to set anyone up for emotional failure or to have any hurt feelings. Mainly myself. I’ve been through quite the traumatic loss and well a cat (animal) is non-judgmental and loves you for who you are. I don’t have to worry if they will like me, because I hold the keys to the food so of course they will love me. I am just asking myself the same question over and over again, which is are you sure your ready for this. It’s a lot to commit to. I honestly don’t quite think I am but at the same time I really don’t want to lose these two. So long as they aren’t putting on a show at the meet and greet, I think we will blend together quite well. This is just the typical pre-commitment jitters kind of like what one experiences when they change jobs or are about to get married. Commitment of any kind that is long term always gives me these types of jitters. I am thankful that I will be able to see my doctor and talk with him before all of this goes down.
The odd thing is that tomorrow will mark the 1 month passing of Gator and I don’t quite know if I will have any feelings. Right now, I can’t believe that it has only been a month. It kind of seems like yesterday on one hand and longer on another. I kept my promises to her and her family and I know I did the best I could given the circumstances I was presented with. It’s not like I could have saved any of them from death forever. I do wish that she was still here with me, I was used to her mannerisms, expressions and attitude. We did really well together and I know that my late spouse would be quite proud of me not only for how I took care of all of the cats but in general how I was able to overcome adversity with all of the obstacles that were thrown in my way as the result of his passing but with life in general and how I am still here, despite not really wanting to be.
The other odd thing here is that I don’t want to be here (as in alive) but there is something inside of me that won’t let me give up, despite the fact the cats are gone. Some would call that God. I honestly don’t know what to call it but I kind of wish that it wasn’t present, it seems so much easier to give up. Yet here I am plugging away. I don’t get it but then again maybe I am not supposed to. I keep thinking that life is going to deal me some happiness and I will get the companion (as in a man) that I long for and the love attention and of course sex that comes with it. I’d like the man to be first and the animals to be second but perhaps that is not the way it’s supposed to go. Still as difficult as it is to comprehend, I think everything happens for a reason but we may or may not ever know or figure out what the reason is. Hell, I’d sure like to know why my spouse had to die so quickly after we were married, why all of the cats couldn’t have lived as long as Gator along with answers to why a lot of tragic events unfolded in the world in general. I can’t look for those answers because I would be busy forever. Instead, I have to just keep going and focus on my lane, it’s difficult sometimes just to stay in your lane.
Here's hoping that things work out like they are supposed to and that I don’t have to shed anymore tears unless they are tears of happiness. I saw a YouTuber make a quick video and say that lets hope that you don’t shed any tears in 2023 unless it’s you gagging on a ding-a-ling. I liked that and really hoped that would be true for me but thus far no joy. I know it’s only mid-January so there is still hope.
Work and the cat thing are all I have to speak of now. I am sure I will be back with an update at some point tomorrow with how things went and what my final decision is. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I hate making decisions. Some though are easier than others. It’s the life altering ones that I really have a super struggle with. Here’s hoping that it all works out like it’s supposed to and for the best for all involved, especially the cats.
Take care!
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