Still Above Ground

Hi hope that you’re doing good!

I am unfortunately still feeling the effects of this Viral Syndrome that I was diagnosed with.  Yesterday afternoon my neck and shoulder were killing me.  I laid down and when I got up it’s the best I felt in over a week.  I thought the tide was turning for the better. 

However, I woke up this morning still feeling great.  Went out for breakfast and after breakfast my stomach started bothering me.  I made a super quick run to the grocery store and then bolted for home. 

I figured that things were going to get better after using the bathroom.  I put the groceries away, laid down as per usual for a Sunday and watched TV until I finally nodded off.  I wasn’t feeling the best but it really hit me when I finally made it downstairs for the first time since Tuesday morning. 

The silly warm feeling I have gotten all my life when I am sick is back.  My stomach doesn’t exactly feel the best.  I had the idea of going for pizza but now that I am feeling crummy again, I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do.  I am thinking perhaps soup or eating the Chicken Pot Pie that I have. 

I really want to go back to work tomorrow, working from home of course.  If I can at least do that even if I have to stay here for the week, I know I would be better off.  Because my mind would be busy.  It’s a throw of the dice and will really depend much on how I feel as today progresses and then what I feel like in the morning.  It’s easy to fall into a large rut where I am staying home, doing nothing and getting paid for it.  It sounds nice on one hand but honestly, it’s how last year started for me with COVID and I really want this year to be different. 

I’ve thought perhaps it’s getting the cats; it could be a physical/emotional response that I moved too soon.  I could be allergic (seriously doubt that) or it could just be stress/nerves.  I’ve been through quite a bit and saying that my body & mind need a rest is an understatement.  However, I really want to avoid going on short-term disability.  I know that things are piling up at work which weighs on me, not heavily but it’s there in the back of my mind. 

I felt hopeful that this thing is working its way out of my body.  Now, not so much.  I do hate feeling like this and would love to return to a state of normal where I can resume my normal boring life and routines.  The new cats probably think that they landed in paradise because we really haven’t been apart that much. 

They get along pretty well with each other.  They love to lay on me and in my lap.  They are both bed hogs and love to try to cheat me out of sleeping in my own bed but I fight back.  We don’t exactly have a feeding schedule down.  I give them breakfast and an evening meal.  I am setting out one small can of food that they split between them.  They have a constant supply of dry food, which is all they were eating when they were in the shelter.  They remind me of the herd how they gallop around here like they are crazy chasing after each other and playing.  Jumping on all of the cat furniture.  They are also using the 2 new scratching posts I bought years ago for the family but they were so uninterested.  I let Rudy come down with me to the basement when I threw in a load of laundry.  He’s fascinated.  He’s my shadow and I can’t seem to do much without him following me.  My big fear is that I am going to pee on him.  He loves to follow me into the bathroom.  I’m not terribly keen about that but on the other hand it’s nice to have a shadow. 

I like them and am glad they are here but honestly; I still don’t really want them.  I don’t like litterbox duty and it never really was a problem for me.  I got used to it and then after Gator left I kind of really didn’t miss it.  I still have her bedding out and they won’t touch it.  I probably need to put it away or throw it out but it’s one of those things that is just too soon.  I want to honor her and her memory.  Wow here I go again tearing up.  Just when I think I am over her all of the emotion comes rushing back.  This was a very profound loss and I am starting to wonder if I will ever stop crying or feeling sad. 

The new cats are a nice distraction but part of me still expects Gator to come in and sit in her bed.  I had a dream that she was in bed with us sleeping between my legs.  I woke up and realized that in fact it was a dream.  I can’t stop looking at her photos on my phone and that causes me to be depressed and perhaps conjure up a tear. 

Which makes me wonder if this whole viral thing I am going through is somehow connected to losing her, the stress and emotions that have come along with it.  Getting new cats is what caused it to manifest.  I mean it’s a theory and who knows I might be right. 

I like this brother & sister except for when they fight, I don’t want to return them but I’ve thought about it.  I know that would do damage not only to them but to me as well.  Right now, it’s not an option on the table and I don’t want it to be.  I don’t like to give up it’s just not in my makeup. 

Speaking of which the waiter dude is someone I need to give up on.  Seeing him hurts me knowing that he’s not going to ever reach out but will continue to lead me on.  I think I need to find a new place to dine at for breakfast.  I saw a new waiter today who reminds me of a younger me, he is better looking than me even when I was young but damn, I could ask him out too, but I’m not going down that path.  Waiters can look sexy but it’s just not working out for me.  I’ve asked several of them out and none of those paths have ever blossomed into so much as a date, text or even a phone call.  I do think that I am going to be single for a very long time, perhaps my remaining days.  It’s not what I want but my luck just doesn’t seem to be changing in that area. 

I am behind on everything from personal email to cleaning the house and of course everything at work.  I saw a message from my therapist yesterday who texted me that she was unlocking the door so that I could come in and have a warm place to wait.  Funny thing is that I didn’t have an appointment.  I don’t think she looked at her schedule very well.  I’m a self-scheduler meaning that when I want/need her I reach out otherwise we have no standing appointment.  If I had an appointment I would either be there or would have cancelled based on how I was feeling.  I never am a no call, no show to anything especially if there is a fee for a missed appointment like there is here.  I didn’t bother to text her back; I think she figured it out pretty quickly and felt embarrassed.  I saw no need to compound that.  Right now, I really don’t have plans to go back just because were really not clicking.  She wants to pick at things I say and gets me to go off into the weeds like she is trying to find other areas where I need “improvement” and she “wants to help”.  I think she sees that I am quite the mess which translates into money for her.  Not happening!  It’s nice that she is in my hip pocket if something should break but now that I have the new cats my hope is that there won’t be a need for any therapy.  If so then I think it’s best to start over fresh with a new person who I hopefully can click with and one that doesn’t have so much paranoia locking their doors all the time, requiring texting for entering.  I’m surprised she doesn’t do a pat down to make sure I am not wired.  Everyone I talk to and tell them about her tell me that therapists are strange folks and chances are they need therapy more than I do.  I might be the only sane one in the room. 

One final note is that it was oddly snowing this morning when I left for breakfast.  It was nothing serious just flurries.  I took that as a sign of comfort that things were going to be okay.  Right now, I am not 100% certain of that, but I was a little more convinced and assured of that this morning.  Just based on how I feel now is what is causing me to have doubts. 

Nothing lasts forever I mean if it did then we couldn’t say, this too shall pass.  It just feels like quite a quandary.  I really want to be around people and don’t so much like the whole being alone thing.  At least at present. 

Okay well I’ve spouted off quite a bit here.  I need to get moving around here even if I do only move at a snail’s pace.  I’d like to make some progress.  My stomach feels somewhat better but I am still pondering about what to do for my next meal.  I am sure I won’t go hungry. 

I hope all is well in your world, that your well, warm and doing good.  Hopefully, this week will be a better time for all of us.  Take care.