Death Warmed Over

I made it home last night but had my doubts if that would actually happen.  Once I walked in the door I fed the cats, put away the uneaten part of my lunch and then promptly went to bed.  I was so cold and it was nice to be under the covers.  It’s wasn’t long before the cries and meows started from the children.  I didn’t want to do anything but sleep.  I was nauseated and at the same time exhausted. 

I am getting back to normal but am still gun shy about eating.  So far today I had a peanut butter chocolate cookie bar, a small sub sandwich and for supper chicken noodle soup.  Then I got brave and had an ice cream cone.  My stomach is still doing the herkie jerky but I just took my evening pills.  I also threw in a muscle relaxer because my neck is absolutely killing me.  It hurts sitting up, it hurts laying down, it just hurts. 

I managed to get a shower this afternoon and make it to the doctor.  He said that it was likely a short term dose of food poisoning that is working it’s way out of me.  He just had to push on my stomach but it didn’t hurt at all, that is until I sat and was miles down the road from his office.  I also discovered that I have an umbilical hernia.  I never knew that.  Thankfully the hole is small so there is no danger and that’s why I never knew it was there.  If my belly button becomes enlarged or there is a sudden onset of pain that’s when it’s time to get medical help because surgery will be needed.  Ah the joys of young old age. 

On my way home I was feeling pretty good.  I talked myself in to and out of stopping at Olive Garden for soup.  Then I thought of other places but opted to just come straight home. 

I laid down on the couch and watch TV.  I had enough after an hour and decided it was time for a nap.  That’s when I saw the police show up.  We had 3 cars in front of my house and then the ambulance came.  All of the action was across the street at my awful neighbors house.  The story I got through the window was that the teenage girl didn’t feel well.  Yeah but the cops don’t come when you call for an ambulance in this town.  This had to be a suicide attempt.  She walked out on her own accord embraced a friend and cried for a bit.  The paramedics pried her from her friend and into the ambulance she went.  Now in my family that’s when someone would be getting into a car and ready to follow the ambulance.  Not this family, no one went to the hospital.  I remember this teenager when she was first born, it’s kind of sad.  I am so glad they put their house up for sale.  Shame no one has offered them anything for it.  They want a lot of money but eventually someone will give in that’s just the way it works. 

Finally I setup my Echo Dot.  Turns out it’s got a speaker in it, which is kind of nice.  It’s a nifty gadget and now I am on the fence if I am going to leave it hooked up full time. 

I really want to hit up the Breakfast Buffet tomorrow but I am not sure that will be the smartest move on my part.  I think instead I will have my blood drawn and visit a local restaurant for breakfast.  I will be closer to home, saving time and gas.  However, the drive would be nice.  It kind of depends upon how I feel when I wake up  I can always do the blood draw on Saturday.

My body is exhausted and since I didn’t time on the toilet or vomit I am perplexed as to why I feel so tired.  My head pounds from time to time, probably the rocks clashing together.  I just want to at least feel back to normal. 

I will be dealing with the cable company tomorrow for sure.  Here’s hoping at least that goes well and that I am truly on the mend. 

Nauseated

I woke up not feeling well.  Still I managed to put one foot in front of the other and muddled my way to work.  If I didn’t have the rest of the week scheduled off, I would have called in today for sure.  Once I arrived things got progressively worse.  Eventually I wound up in the bathroom and figured that the problem had sorted it’s self out.  Not so.  I am still feeling bad I really don’t want to open my mouth much because I am scared that I am going to hurl.  I don’t want to do that in my vehicle, so hopefully I make it home. 

Thankful that I am going to the doctor tomorrow.  Lunch was a few Cheetos, a Diet Soda and some sugar free Peaches.  I don’t know that I am going to eat supper.  Once I make it home and take care of the cats, my plan is to collapse.  I really don’t care about anything at this point.  Just want to get into my bed. 

I did walk into a nice surprise this morning.  We got Amazon Echo Dot’s as our Employee Appreciation Gift this year.  They spent a lot of money.  I personally would have rather had the cash.  I am interested to play with the Echo but don’t know that I will leave it connected full time.  It’s a giant microphone and not to sound paranoid but it’s a spy device.  I don’t know that I want Amazon hearing me watch porn, orgasm, snore, talk to my cats or talk to myself.  I think it’s a great concept it just needs some fine tuning from a security perspective.  My colleagues agree with me.

I work with our building for access cards.  The person I work with told me to copy someone in their office.  It’s a guy and he’s a secretary.  Naturally I serotyped and figured he was gay.  Guess what, I was right.  He’s beautiful and is engaged.  From what I saw on-line I really would like to jump his bones.  There I go again chasing a young guy.  He’s got to be 21 or maybe 22 if that.  What can I say I like younger guys, doesn’t mean that I will get to have one. 

Speaking of which I confirmed on-line today for my doctors appointment tomorrow.  They asked about the gender of my sexual partners and if I am sexually active.  I wish I was but I don’t think wanking it counts as sexually active.  I thought it was a little amusing.  My doctor knows all about me and my history.  I think if I would have put down yes for active he would have rolled over in his chair.  Maybe someday I will be that lucky again, until then there is porn. 

So now were approaching the last 1/2 hour of the day and then I will venture home.  Here’s hoping it’s a safe an uneventful ride.  I think this might be a mild touch of food poisoning.  All I know is I need to feel better otherwise I will never make the buffet on Friday. 

Therapy

The therapy session that I was dreading actually went pretty well.  I found it kind of annoying that I was supposed to have 30 minutes, the guy calls 15 minutes late and then we talked for 16 minutes and suddenly we are out of time.  Fuck me, glad I don’t have to pay for this.  I didn’t schedule any follow-up.  I did a knee jerk reaction and jumped into this fresh after I lost Big Boy.  Now that time has lapsed and the reality has sunk in, I am doing much better. 

Don’t misunderstand me, I still miss him and my heart will forever ache but the decision I made isn’t reversible, so there is no choice but to keep moving forward.  I have to be strong to take care of the rest of his family. 

My only concern right now is with Marv, he is just a chatty fellow and still does his crying.  I am headed up to watch TV and spend the bulk of my short evening with the furry family.  I always enjoy time with them.  You just never know, tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. 

Last night there wasn’t anything on so I found Delirious the movie on Encore.  It stars John Candy.  I got more than a couple laughs it was a great way to unwind from Monday.  Once I made it to my room last night I was exhausted and got a very good nights sleep.

Here’s hoping for another great night!

Robot Fail

So the Trim robot failed.  They tried multiple times to work with my cable company but were unable to get me a discount.  So I am on to phase II of my plan.  Friday is the day, I hope that the moon & the stars align.

This afternoon I have my 2nd therapy session where I get to read my letter to Big Boy.  I’ve actually gone over it a few times with a fine tooth comb and there are some teary moments but for the most part I can get through it okay.  I think that today it might be a little rough, but the horrible pain that I felt after his passing is pretty well gone.  Meal time is no longer an issue but I do still think of him several times throughout the day.  Lets face it he was a large part of my life for 14 years and it’s not like I can wake up and just forget him. 

Yesterday I submitted my self-review.  I love how I planned it out and had this elaborate review only to find out that I was limited on characters and had to scrap the bulk of it.  I did complain about how it’s not fair that I am leading a senior level person and essentially doing his job but I am at a junior level.  I flat out stated that my pay needed to be seriously adjusted as this is grossly unfair to me.  However, I am thankful that I have a job.  I know that HR will look at the review so if they aren’t already aware of problems on my team this was my way of exposing them and speaking up.  I’m not sure if there will be negative consequences for me but hopefully it gets me a serious pay bump which is part of what I am after.  The other part is to either demote the senior level guy or kick his ass out.  This has gone on for far too long and it needs to come to an abrupt end. 

I got a message yesterday from my first boss that she is out on leave until further notice.  She is battling cancer.  Her doctors get things under control, she goes into remission or is cancer free and then a few months later it pops up again.  It’s been a very rocky road for her and there has been at least 1 close call.  I have a sinking feeling that she might not bounce back from this.  I hope I am wrong.  She is a great person and I am very grateful to her for hiring me. 

That’s life, it’s always moving forward regardless if you want it to or not.  So pressing on with Tuesday which is actually my Thursday.  Hope it’s a great day for everyone. 

Short week ahead

3 days this week.  Thursday I go see the doctor and hopefully Friday I will get to tackle the breakfast buffet that I have been longing to try for years. 

The pain from losing my dear sweet big boy is lessening.  I had to put the final touches on my good bye letter that I will be reading on Tuesday and that was quite emotional. 

I got the call yesterday and went to pick up his cremains.  Turns out he was 14 years old and not 13 like I had thought.  Given his health I think that was a pretty good run.  Don’t get me wrong I would certainly have been happier if there were many more years ahead.  I asked the lady at the vets office how can I really be sure that this is him.  That’s when she told me, you should have said something the company that they contract with would let you come watch so you would be assured you were getting him back.  Yeah that would be more than a bit traumatic than watching him die.  I am barley able to keep it together from that.

The whole thing plays on an endless loop in my mind several times during the course of a day.  My regret is that this was rushed and over with way too soon.  I don’t feel like I spent enough time with him prior to and afterwards. 

Tuesday I was reading and found out that my last aunt on my grandfathers side passed away.  I know she would be considered a great aunt but since we were raised by our grandparents I consider her an aunt.  In any case she was 98 years old.  I figure her and Barbra Bush both had a great run.  If I can only live to be 98 years old, that would give me 52 more years which is a hell of a long time.  Think of all of the change both of them saw during their lifetime from presidents to inflation and the great depression.  Plus they saw technology boom.  When I think about it I am kind of sad that I won’t be around for the year 3000, I really think that life will be something by then.  I do hope that death is done with me for a while, like years and years.  I don’t want to have to endure anymore anytime soon. 

Marv is still crying at random and it breaks my heart.  Part of me thinks he might be in pain because he is walking funny but then again he has always walked funny.  He spent the majority of today in my bed, which is par for the course.  I made the most of that and spent as much time as I could with him.  Once I broke out the vacuum all bets were off and he was ready to bolt.  Despite the fact that he was tucked securely away in my room with the door closed and the noisy sucking machine wouldn’t come anywhere in his proximity.  Once I opened the door he had to run to the basement. 

I am still dealing with depression not only from the recent loss of my dear sweet boy but also from losing my spouse 5 short years ago.  There are good times and there are bad times.  Usually if I am busy or occupied my mind has no time to wonder so I embrace working and keeping busy but there honestly isn’t enough tasks in the average work day to keep me that busy.  I know that is going to change soon and then I will be wishing for a break, so I enjoy my down time now as much as I can even though it’s uncomfortable. 

The ants are still around but I did spray my bathroom heavily and I also did some spot treatment in the dining area and kitchen where the kids food is.  Hopefully that will hold them at bay for a while.  Winter is the best from a pest season because there is nothing and I mean nothing in the house.  You don’t have to worry about fly's, bees, wasps, gnats, etc.  Once the season changes look out they are coming. 

Today was the first time in 2 weeks that I went back to my normal routine.  I like normal and routine they fit so well together for me.  So I am ready as I will ever be to tackle the next 3 days.  Then I’ve got an extended weekend to look forward to which will be nice.  Hopefully I can accomplish quite a bit and enjoy myself. 

I hope all is well in your neck of the woods and that life is being very fair to you.  I look forward to talking with you again soon.  Thanks for stopping by. 

Price Negotiator

I got my internet bill and was informed that my promotional period ends next month.  My bill will jump $20 per month.  There are no data caps and the speed is decent considering I use cable internet.  However, I have been able to keep this $20 price hike at bay for 2 years, which I think is pretty good. 

I picked up the phone yesterday not having good vibes about it and called.  I was told no by a rep and a supervisor.  There are no other deals available.  Yeah okay so I found out when the new price goes into effect and that’s later in the month of May.  So I have time. 

I have no plans to actually cancel at this point.  I would be required to change email addresses and considering this monopoly I am probably going to do that anyway.  I own a few domains and so long as I pay my bill each year the domain and internet mail are mine. 

I tried using a bot to negotiate service but even the bot got turned down.  Those services might appear to be free but they take anywhere from 20% to 40% of what they save you and charge that to a credit card.  It’s a small price to pay if they really are able to save you big bucks.  I figured it out and for me considering if they got the same deal that I have right now that would be like $50, which is well worth it to save time on the phone trying to debate the issue. 

If I had another person living here, I would cancel and then get internet in that persons name.  They would be a new customer and entitled to promotional price. 

What I find discouraging is they tell me that the only way they can lower the price is if I add on services.  Now if I add on services that makes my bill go up and not down.  The whole purpose of my call is to lower my bill.  I’d be happy to add as much service as they wanted so long as it didn’t make my bill go up.  I only have so much money and $20 won’t break me but I may have to give something else up in order to accommodate for it. 

Where I am at.  The bot says it will try again soon.  My plan is to call on Friday and plead my case again.  Statistics show that people are more willing to work with you or do you a favor if you ask them on a Friday.  They are likely in a good mood and more willing to accommodate.  If I get no where, then my plan is to suck it up for a month.  Then call back and plead my case again.  Sometimes if you pay for a full month of service at the regular price there is magically a deal available.  Funny how that works. 

I don’t like negotiating, price your service or goods fair and help me to not feel like I am taking it up the ass without lube and I am more likely to pay you.  I’m never late and have paid faithfully for years and just recently enrolled in automatic payment so they charge my credit card. 

They want to keep me as a customer but they want me to pay full price, which I feel is outrageous.  They have a monopoly in that no one in the area offers greater speed.  I could switch to AT&T but they have data caps and that is not something that I want to tangle with.  Chances are that I probably wouldn’t go over but I like the freedom of not having a data cap and having to fear that my bill will be larger than I plan on. 

The other trick I learned from on-line surfing is that if you can go a month without internet and actually cancel service.  The cable company will welcome you back and consider you a new customer.  You have to go turn in your equipment and have no service for 30 full days.  With my job that wouldn’t be feasible, plus all of the streaming I do there is just no way I could go 30 days. 

Here’s hoping that my Friday plan works and that I can put an end to this.  They don’t have contracts which is a selling point but I am going to ask if I commit to a contract if they would guarantee their price that could be a way to lock them in.  I am not big on contracts but 1 or 2 years goes by really fast and there is usually an escape clause that allows you to separate if you pay a fee. 

Next year I will get to go back to negotiating my home phone & TV, which I really don’t look forward to. 

Making it

It’s been a rough week.  I encountered some issues on Friday with my sleeping medicine and trying to get it refilled.  It was a mess.  I wound up having to call the after hours exchange on Saturday to get my medicine refilled.  I was anticipating another confrontation but actually it was a smooth and quick phone call.  I have 30 days of medicine and I see my doc in the next 2 weeks.  Hopefully, we will be able to get this sorted out. 

Saturday proved to be a rough day.  I got busy and tried to stay busy but eventually I wore myself out.  I opted to call our EAP and got setup with counseling via phone.  I get 6 sessions and it’s totally free.  I’m not 100% please with my therapist but I think we are on the road to recovery.  He told me to start looking for a new house, volunteer at an organization to meet people and perhaps I will be able to get a man that way.  As for my loss of Big Boy write him a letter.  You know that was very helpful with my late spouse but I feel funny writing a letter to an animal who if he received it would be unable to read and/or understand it.  I get why he said to write it and I have a draft saved.  I will make some changes before I settle for the final draft.  Then I get to read it to him when we talk again.  My plan is after that session I will probably stop.  I am inclined to cancel now but I don’t want to rush anything. 

So things at home are okay.  Marv has begun to realize more about his brother and now I find him hanging out in spots where his brother used to be.  This morning for example he was on the couch and rather than make him move, I fed him on the couch.  He really liked that.  I get it he’s grieving and he misses his sibling probably just as much as I do, if not more.  I told him were in this together and were going to be fine.  The girls are unaffected but Momma and Gator are glued to me. 

Yesterday I went on ant patrol.  I broke out the vacuum and moved furniture, put down some more spray.  Friday night when I got home they were all over the dry food so I had to pitch it.  I wasn’t terribly pleased.  The feeder it’s self had to be washed and there were ants everywhere.  I got to the point where I thought they were on me and I did have one or two but my skin was crawling.  I rinsed out the water fountain for good measure.  When I was done and went to empty the vacuum cleaner there was enough fur in there to nit a sweater for 2 hamsters.  The ants are still in my bathroom but we had a cold snap so they have diminished, I am sure as the weather warms they will return.  I am out of steam but I think next weekend it will be ant patrol in my bathroom.  If nothing else it will be a decent spring cleaning. 

I did my weekend chores backwards.  I went to the store on Saturday because I had a great coupon but didn’t spend enough to take advantage of it.  I was going to go back out and just make a day of running on Saturday.  However, the therapist suggested that on Sunday I go to the movies.  Yeah okay.  I instead opted to stay busy by shopping.  I had a great amount of money left over from payday.  I could have easily paid for Big Boy’s funeral but opted instead to bankroll the money.  That is until I made my way through Sam’s this morning.  I got a couple extra things that were minor but the real gotcha was my membership was coming due.  Long story short I dropped $200.  Then factor in breakfast, cat food shopping and filling up the tank.  Yeah bye bye money.  I’ve got enough to scrape by the next couple weeks for groceries and cat food, plus a couple of trips out to eat. 

A fun project I decided to do is organize my photos of the kids and put them all in the cloud.  I have a couple different sources but for this I used Amazon Drive, since I am a prime member I get unlimited photo storage.  Video storage is limited to 5GB, I am rapidly on top of that limit so I paid for more storage.  The bulk of the project is done, there are some minor touch ups but now I can open my phone and pick an album and my kids are all there.  I even have photos of them as kittens.  Hard to believe they were that small.  I got to go back in time and reminisce it was kind of fun. 

So there you have it.  I am better than I was last week at this time but I am not over it yet.  I did stop in at the vets and inquire about his cremains but they aren’t back yet.  Hopefully they will be there this week.  Even though I know he is gone I want them back as quickly as possible so he can be in his final resting place, that is until I decide to move, which will be years down the road.  I’m looking at houses but it’s all just a dream.  Sort of like looking at automobiles.  You can dream but making the final decision is another thing. 

I will be on-call next week and it’s been busy this weekend.  While I can use the money I hope that it’s not jumping next week.  15 minutes here or there a couple times during the week is okay.  15 or 20 minutes over the weekend is okay as well. 

My back is in knots again so there could be a massage in my future but only time will tell.  I hope things are going better in your world and that the sun is shining and the temperatures are warming up. 

Thanks for stopping by, it does mean the world to me knowing that someone is reading this. 

Second Guessing

So I did some research and found out that Basal Cell Tumors in cats are often not malignant but they are painful.  They need to be surgically removed.  I’m thinking the vet finally bamboozled me into letting him go.  However, I will never know.  I have to think that he had cancer at the rate these tumors starting popping up.  It doesn’t matter now if he did or if he didn’t have cancer I took irreversible action and there is no getting him back now.  So I have to accept and pray that I made the right call.  I know that I provided him the best life that he could have possibly had on this earth and that the medical team that took care of him wrote him off several times but my wallet and his fight kept him going.  It was a good but very short 13 year run. 

Marv is having a little issue with his brother being gone but for the most part he is okay.  No one is sleeping with me.  Momma and Gator want to but I kick them out.  I really want Marv and hopefully over the weekend I will get my chance.  He does take over my bed on the weekends. 

The evenings have been very normal and routine like but I limit the time I spent on the computer, it’s short and sweet.  I want to get upstairs and spend as much time with the family as possible.  I know most of them enjoy it. 

The only other thing that is different is no one is using the litter box in the basement.  That was only used by Momma and Ruth.  Bear gave on up steps years ago as well as using litter boxes.   So I don’t quite know what to make of it. 

I made it back to work on Tuesday it was hard but that for sure was the best thing for me.  Now our weather is changing to be more Spring like and my allergies are killing me.  I am doped up on meds and all I want to do is go back to sleep.  I will try to make it, there isn’t much pressing today but tomorrow there are several things popping. 

The weekend I am sure will prove odd and difficult but I will keep on going.  The crying is pretty well done but I am sure there will still be those moments.  I miss the big guy, life is certainly not the same without him but I will try to get used to it as best as I can.  Once again a ‘new’ normal to adjust to. 

Not a normal day

I took an extra heavy dose of sleeping medicine and went through all of the normal motions before bed.  Yesterday was truly a horrible day.  Psychologically this has hit me harder than I thought it would.  My body woke me up at 2a and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I left my door open last night so everyone could sleep with me.  Gator took full advantage of that and she tries to wedge me out of my own bed.  I love her but I hate sleeping with her.  So that didn’t help things. 

At 3a I opted to call it and went to the fridge for left over pizza and a soda.  I grabbed my phone and told everyone I wouldn’t be in.  I really wanted sleep.  My body let me go back to bed around 5 but Gator made sure I was up by 7.  They needed their food plus I think she was trying to be my alarm clock. 

I moved to the couch after feeding them.  Took in more of Shameless.  Then eventually tried to doze off but my body wasn’t having it.  So I opted to help it along.  I got my haircut, went to have lunch which was breakfast and the sugar helped things calm down some.  I grabbed the mail and on the way back home stopped in for a car wash.  Cute guy working at the car wash, as per usual I looked but didn’t say a word. 

Prior to going to Cracker Barrel I looked at Facebook and just seeing his picture set me off.  I wailed and wailed.  Then when I was in the restaurant I forced myself to go back and look of photos I started tearing up and put my phone away.  There is one video I have of him chatting away and when I got home I just had to hear it.  I listened to it and the kids were all ears but hearing his voice set me off again.  He was a huge part of my life and now that he is gone I see just how much of my life revolved around him.  I miss all of his cries for food, plate rotation, water, etc.  Every time I go to feed the crew I can’t help but think of him.  Me and Marv would go off and look for Bear.  Usually he was on the couch so I would lift him off of the couch and place him on the floor so he could enjoy a meal with his brother. 

I also have 2nd thoughts about what I did.  I didn’t have absolute proof that this was cancer.  The vet said it was probably Basal Cell and when I looked up the images of this what he had was close.  I didn’t bother to read up on it because what is done is done.  I can’t change it.  In my heart I believe it was cancer just from the sheer volume of the lumps and bumps he had.  Not all of them were painful but there were a few that were.  Yeah sure I could have brought him home but that would have been delaying the inevitable.  This was one battle that he just wasn’t going to win.  My mind today tried to convince me otherwise. 

I nodded off for maybe 30 minutes and just before I woke up I hear him meow at me.  It was the strangest thing.  It’s hard to accept that he is gone from my life.  Sure he will live in my heart forever but the pain is so abundant and profound right now.  I am questioning if tomorrow it will be better or for that matter if it will ever be better. 

Death is something that I have always struggled with.  Matters not if it is a person or an animal.  I really wish that I had someone here with me, it would make things easier.  I also wish the fucking ants would leave and not return.  They are driving me crazy. 

After this week I will be out of sleeping medicine.  I called in a refill and rather than process it because I was a month early I got questioned why.  I told them the doctor changed the dose.  Yeah it was a lie but instead of taking 1 pill I have been doubling up for a while.  I sent a note off to the doctor to let him know that I have had to change my dosage and that the pharmacy would be calling to get a new script.  Normally the label says take 1 or 2 pills but this time it said 1 pill.  If I don’t have the medicine I don’t sleep, it’s just that simple.

Tonight is probably going to be rough but hopefully I can dope myself up so that I pass out and get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep.  I really need to go back tomorrow.  I am fortunate that my employer is understanding but I don’t want to take advantage of them, even if it is my time.

I hope this gets better, I honestly don’t have any motivation to do anything.  I am still in the semi-numb phase.  I don’t understand why this had to happen to such a sweet and fairly young boy, who did nothing but light up my life and those around him with love.  I feel for his family and hope that I don’t lose any of them anytime soon and that his passing won’t have any adverse affects on them.  Right now it’s business as usual.  I feed Marv and the Girls together.  They got quite the buffet today.  Gator demands lunch and she won’t let me ignore her. 

Okay momma is chirping at me so I am going back to Shameless and spending time with the kids.  Might phone a friend for help.  I really hope and pray that my sweet boy is at peace and with those that have passed before him. 

Bear 2005-2018

13 years and 10 months ago a small black kitten was the 1st born in a litter of 4 in my basement.  We had taken in a pregnant stray two days earlier.  Life was so different then.  I remember the feeling of bliss it was a feeling like no other that I had experienced before.  Today he passed away after what I consider a very rough life (health wise).  He beat a lot of odds and surpassed every death sentence that was predicted.  Things looked really bad a lot of times and I thought for sure he was a goner, but against the odds and with the help of my wallet he managed to pull through. 

Those tumors I was talking about, they were likely cancer based on a needle biopsy.  He also had a fever and his back leg was in worse shape that I originally figured.  I didn’t have to make a decision today they wanted to send him home with pain medicine and buy some time.  I didn’t see any point in looping him up on pain medicine only to put off the inevitable.  So I made the painful decision to part ways.  I stayed with him through the entire process, which was very agonizing but I figured it was the last best thing I could do for him.  I even carried his body after he passed to the back of the vets office.  He was down 2 pounds since December and weighed in at 17 pounds.  Which is a far cry from the 45 pounds that he was in his younger days. 

I am really worried about his brother since they were so close.  Everyone knows he is gone and that things are different.  I hope that we can move past this and continue to bond and grow as a family.  I don’t want to lose anymore. 

My late partner and I figured that Bear would be the 1st to go and we were right.  I think and hope that I am done with death for quite sometime.

Today is all upside down here today and I am calling it an early evening.  I’m going up to watch TV with the family and try to relax from the whirlwind suck ass day that I have had.  I miss him more than I can put into words but I know that he is no longer suffering.  It was quite obvious when we were at the vet that he was in pain.  I felt really bad about that but cats are truly the master of disguise.   

Circling The Drain–Again ?

Last Sunday I wrote about Big Boy and his tumors.  Well my trying to pop whatever it is that is on his back that looks like a pimple didn’t prove successful.  It just aggravated things.  I started him on Antibiotics and stopped trying to pop the damn thing.  Logic tells me that if I can get the junk out that the infection will resolve and he will be as good as new.  Shame it’s not that simple. 

His bowel habits changed and I had to break out the enema to get him to go.  He’s peeing okay, the volume doesn’t seem as large as he normally goes but he’s going. 

One of his back legs looks swollen and when I touch his paw pads they feel slightly cool, which I think is odd.  Touch that leg I’m talking just basic palpating and he is in pain.  There are knots or tumors there as well.  He is still walking but being the large boy that he is, his movement isn’t much as he’s quite lazy. 

No matter where he is by the time I am ready for bed, he is in my room.  He takes spells on sleeping with me but he is spending the bulk of his day in my room, which isn’t a good thing.  Normally he is on the couch. 

His breathing is different after he walks, like he is more winded than normal.  Not sure if there is fluid or tumors at play here or if it’s just stress/pain. 

The internet is a great invention but when it comes to looking at medical issues be it for yourself or an animal the more you look the more you think this or that is at play and before you know it you have yourself worried sick. 

So long as I treat him as I normally do were fine and he doesn’t say much.  He still is demanding for attention.  He also has been a little picky on eating so I will break out better food for him. 

I called the vet and made an appointment.  As much as I would love a Saturday appointment the docs that I use weren’t working so were stuck with Sunday.  Then they don’t have anything in the morning, it’s all afternoon appointments. 

So we are both going tomorrow but I think I will be the only one coming home.  I think he has some acute infection and possibly is in septic shock.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  Both from an outcome perspective and a financial perspective. 

Poor guy he is nothing but a sweet cat and hasn’t ever done anything to anyone.  I’m not sure why life has dealt him such a raw deal.  He gets into these situations and I think there is no way he is going to make it but some how against the odds he pulls through.  This time I think he may have well used up his 9 lives. 

I took a nap with him on my bed.  His brother joined us.  Then when we were done they laid down together on the floor.  I am worried about his brother because these boys are pretty close and if one is missing the other will notice.  I don’t know how this is all going to play out but I think I will be doing some crying.  Be it for financial reasons or because I will wind up losing him. 

You might think this sounds silly and that I am crazy but I am so in sync with this cat, he makes a move and I know what he wants.  There is no doubt that he understands me as well.  I have told him that if he is tired and wants to give up to let me know but I won’t give up on him.  I will do everything possible for him but what I failed to mention is that I have limits and those limits may preclude me from rescuing him.  I don’t want to make a choice if he is going to pass I would just as soon that he does it on his own.  However, if things are as bad as I believe they are the decision will be a little easier.

This cat captured the heart of my late husband and they had a special bond.  I know that no matter what I do it won’t bring my late husband back.  However, I am long past throwing up my hands and walking away.  I’m told that I have gone way beyond what most owners do and that I am a special person.  Now translate that into English and it goes something like your fucking crazy for wasting your money on cats.  That could be but they are all the family I have left so I want to make sure that I do right by them and that if something happens I can take comfort in knowing that all avenues were explored and exhausted. 

Here’s hoping the odds are in our favor and that things aren’t as bad as I think they are. 

5 Years Ago Tomorrow

Sadly tomorrow evening will mark the 5 year anniversary of my spouses passing.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been 5 years, it seems more like forever.  In 5 years I have been to hell and back.  There were some dire consequences I faced and with a ton of adversity and the odds not stacked in my favor.  Still I managed to somehow come out on top.  I’m thankful for the victory and my accomplishments in the last 5 years.  Still I would give anything to have him back, that is having him back in good health and giving us more time together.  I know that there would be more than a few things I would do differently.  However, this is real life and not make believe (despite that it feels make believe sometimes).  There are no do overs and when someone dies they are truly dead.  Not like in a cartoon where you can kill someone they flatten out for a few seconds and then magically come back to life. 

Death is a life sentence for me.  I have to life my remaining years without him.  That hurts much knowing that we won’t make any additional memories together and that I have to reflect on what was. 

While I think I have made a lot of progress in these 5 short years after reading an email last week at work I’d say that I have made some progress but over all I am in a deep depression and stuck in a perpetual grief phase.  It’s not exactly like ground hog day (referring to the movie) but it’s similar.  There is a session tomorrow about dealing with grief and loss, which I plan on attending.  The timing is rather interesting.

This morning I woke up and I didn’t feel right.  I was ill and felt like I was going to pass out and catch on fire at the same time.  I was so hot all damn day long.  I quickly came to the realization that I was staying home.  It’s easy to take an additional day.  While it may do me some good my work stacks up and then I go back into a state of crazy busy.  It’s bad enough that things semi fell apart today without me.  Going back to work is probably the best medicine there is.  I knew from the outset that this would be a difficult week and that it is. 

I am not fond of the month of April nor October.  I don’t care for holidays but I don’t let anything get in the way of Thanksgiving. 

While I may have made some great strides the best and biggest great stride I can make is yet to come.  That is finding a boyfriend and moving on with my life.  That is what takes real strength.  I need someone to grow old with and someone to make memories with.  Being alone has it’s advantages but the disadvantages out weigh those.  Sure I have cats but it’s not the same as a human.  Don’t get me wrong, I love each of those fuzzy creatures and would do anything for them. 

I am trying to move on and find someone.  While I have had some dates and been excited they have all flopped and that leads to more depression.  I am ready to find the one.  Until I get to that point I don’t know that I will ever truly be happy.

When your down and out you have no friends but when things are going okay or perk up to the level of great, everyone seems to be your friend.  I get it no one likes bad or depressing news.  To anyone and everyone reading this, thank you for stopping by and reading my boring old daily life posts.  I need all of the friends that I can find.  

Stay Home Sunday

I had to go to the store and do all of my usual weekend running on Saturday.  It worked out to my advantage, I got everything done and was able to stay home all day long.  It’s been really nice and a productive day at that. 

I fixed the screen in the front window, got the cables for the TV in the living room bundled and it looks so much better, then for the best and most taxing task of all I got Ruth’s claws trimmed.  She bit me but thankfully I had the gloves on, otherwise I’d be on my way to the hospital. 

All of the bills have been paid so we can stay here another month.  I arranged for bush trimming from a new guy.  My old lawn guy finally came through with the contract so that little bit of anxiety has been resolved.  I did try to get multiple estimates but only one person got back with me.  He was $5 higher than my regular guy and only wanted to cut for a couple months but wanted to lock me into a contract.  I almost hired him.  I’m happy this all fell into place. 

Big Boy is loaded up with lumps, which I believe are tumors.  Just because I said the word tumor doesn’t mean it’s cancer.  He’s got a bite on his back that looked like it was a large pimple.  I of course being the popping kind of guy, decided to lance it and give it a big old squeeze.  He wanted to rip my hands off.  Nothing but blood came out.  The inflammation is down a little bit.  I cleaned it up with alcohol and again he wasn’t terribly happy with me.  I have been putting antibacterial ointment on it  It apparently itches because he starts licking when I touch it.  Under normal circumstances we would have had a visit to the vet but he’s doing everything normal.  I don’t see any reason to disturb him or my wallet.  My gut feeling isn’t a good one but I am just keeping an eye on him.  He’s been through so much.  We had a nice chat over the weekend and he knows where I stand.  Normally you’d think a person talking to an animal was insane but some how me an this cat are in sync.  I can tell what he wants just by the way he asks.  It’s uncanny.  I have never been this in sync with an animal.  He is truly a special cat and he knows it. 

I’ve been having some issues with my DVR where I go to watch a program and all I get is a black screen.  Much to my displeasure I wiped the whole thing.  I tried starting small and doing a minor reset but that didn’t seem to do the trick.  I figured if I wiped everything and reset it that it would be as good as starting over.  Then if the problem still exists I will have to place a service call to get a replacement.  I’d like to avoid that if at all possible. 

My eating habits have been horrible and I know it.  I picked up a dozen donuts at the store and most of them are gone already.  My favorite brownie cookies were apparently a temporary thing so I bought brownie ice cream bars.  I got a cake last week and I am still working on polishing it off, which should happen tonight.  I went out last night and got Mexican Food, which was really good but overpriced.  It was nice to see a couple hot guys. 

My employer is doing a lunch seminar on grieving.  I pretty well figured I was an expert in this subject area but found out that there are a lot of things that I didn’t know.  Like for example me keeping my late partners room like it was is called mummification.  Seeing that in print was disturbing to me.  From what little I saw I am still dealing with his passing and it’s not necessarily in a healthy way.  I’m going to the seminar in the hopes that I can learn something.  Today I made a major change in his room.  It’s actually become more of a storage area with one side of the bed cleaned off so that I can sleep in it.  I wish he had left the bathtub/shower alone then it would have been much easier for me to simply move in.  Selling this place would be the very best mental thing for me but right now it’s just not an option way too much crap here and of course the cats.  I know that if I leave I could turn a profit provided everything was in acceptable condition.  As it is right now I think I could simply walk away and get the face value to cover the mortgage.  So no loss but no gain either.  Again not an option. 

Momma is on my ass to take care of laundry and pass out some food.  She knows my routine and that I am avoiding it.  Rather than listen to her complain I am going to give in and take care of things.  Plus I need to shave and shower.  Then there is the matter of dinner, which of course will be frozen pizza.  Looking forward to it since I paid $8 for some gourmet Tombstone, it better be damn good.  Then there is the little matter of getting ready for Monday (yuk). 

Life over all here is status quo.  Outside of Big Boy nothing horribly wrong but also no over joyous news to share.  I think that finding a boyfriend would cheer me up and help me deal with my loss in a much more positive way.  I have had a few good candidates in the dating app I am using but thus far I have not matched with any of them. 

Happy April and Happy Easter.  Talk with you peeps later.