I took an extra heavy dose of sleeping medicine and went through all of the normal motions before bed. Yesterday was truly a horrible day. Psychologically this has hit me harder than I thought it would. My body woke me up at 2a and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I left my door open last night so everyone could sleep with me. Gator took full advantage of that and she tries to wedge me out of my own bed. I love her but I hate sleeping with her. So that didn’t help things.
At 3a I opted to call it and went to the fridge for left over pizza and a soda. I grabbed my phone and told everyone I wouldn’t be in. I really wanted sleep. My body let me go back to bed around 5 but Gator made sure I was up by 7. They needed their food plus I think she was trying to be my alarm clock.
I moved to the couch after feeding them. Took in more of Shameless. Then eventually tried to doze off but my body wasn’t having it. So I opted to help it along. I got my haircut, went to have lunch which was breakfast and the sugar helped things calm down some. I grabbed the mail and on the way back home stopped in for a car wash. Cute guy working at the car wash, as per usual I looked but didn’t say a word.
Prior to going to Cracker Barrel I looked at Facebook and just seeing his picture set me off. I wailed and wailed. Then when I was in the restaurant I forced myself to go back and look of photos I started tearing up and put my phone away. There is one video I have of him chatting away and when I got home I just had to hear it. I listened to it and the kids were all ears but hearing his voice set me off again. He was a huge part of my life and now that he is gone I see just how much of my life revolved around him. I miss all of his cries for food, plate rotation, water, etc. Every time I go to feed the crew I can’t help but think of him. Me and Marv would go off and look for Bear. Usually he was on the couch so I would lift him off of the couch and place him on the floor so he could enjoy a meal with his brother.
I also have 2nd thoughts about what I did. I didn’t have absolute proof that this was cancer. The vet said it was probably Basal Cell and when I looked up the images of this what he had was close. I didn’t bother to read up on it because what is done is done. I can’t change it. In my heart I believe it was cancer just from the sheer volume of the lumps and bumps he had. Not all of them were painful but there were a few that were. Yeah sure I could have brought him home but that would have been delaying the inevitable. This was one battle that he just wasn’t going to win. My mind today tried to convince me otherwise.
I nodded off for maybe 30 minutes and just before I woke up I hear him meow at me. It was the strangest thing. It’s hard to accept that he is gone from my life. Sure he will live in my heart forever but the pain is so abundant and profound right now. I am questioning if tomorrow it will be better or for that matter if it will ever be better.
Death is something that I have always struggled with. Matters not if it is a person or an animal. I really wish that I had someone here with me, it would make things easier. I also wish the fucking ants would leave and not return. They are driving me crazy.
After this week I will be out of sleeping medicine. I called in a refill and rather than process it because I was a month early I got questioned why. I told them the doctor changed the dose. Yeah it was a lie but instead of taking 1 pill I have been doubling up for a while. I sent a note off to the doctor to let him know that I have had to change my dosage and that the pharmacy would be calling to get a new script. Normally the label says take 1 or 2 pills but this time it said 1 pill. If I don’t have the medicine I don’t sleep, it’s just that simple.
Tonight is probably going to be rough but hopefully I can dope myself up so that I pass out and get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep. I really need to go back tomorrow. I am fortunate that my employer is understanding but I don’t want to take advantage of them, even if it is my time.
I hope this gets better, I honestly don’t have any motivation to do anything. I am still in the semi-numb phase. I don’t understand why this had to happen to such a sweet and fairly young boy, who did nothing but light up my life and those around him with love. I feel for his family and hope that I don’t lose any of them anytime soon and that his passing won’t have any adverse affects on them. Right now it’s business as usual. I feed Marv and the Girls together. They got quite the buffet today. Gator demands lunch and she won’t let me ignore her.
Okay momma is chirping at me so I am going back to Shameless and spending time with the kids. Might phone a friend for help. I really hope and pray that my sweet boy is at peace and with those that have passed before him.
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