Gayness

I am not sure why but from time to time I think about being gay.  I wonder if I was tricked into it.  Then I think back to a memory when I was probably around 5 or possibly 4 years old.  I was playing at home and an adult (not sure if it was my mom or grandma) said something about girls giving me cooties.  I distinctly remember responding ick, girls are bad, I like boys.  Then there is the time when I was in grade school (now called middle school) and a very tall kid was at the chalk board (do they still have those, today?) doing a math problem and the room was quiet.  I remember I was sleepy and for some reason felt compelled to yell out dang your really tall.  I remember I was looking mostly at his ass but there was something about his legs. 

Because of these memories I don’t think I was tricked into it, I truly believe 100% that I was born this way.  This is not a choice and it’s not necessarily an easy life but I have learn to accept myself for who I am.  I think back from my childhood through my adult life and I am proud to be who I am. 

Now if I should just find the right man to share my life with I think I know I would be a much happier person.  I kind of think I will be single for a very long time if not for the rest of my life.  I also have my doubts about ever having sex again.  While I know that a good portion of the gay population is about hook-ups, that is not me.  It sounds hot but at the same time you don’t know what your getting yourself into and how an encounter like that can be enjoyable but at the same time have devastating consequences.  All I can do is try to find a boyfriend and if it happens great and if not well then I guess I have to deal with it. 

I do very much remember growing up and how difficult it was.  Kids today I think have it slightly easier because they can come out and a wider majority of the population has a greater acceptance and toleration rate than say when I was growing up. 

I think back to the first time I had sex and how awesome it felt and at the same time how apprehensive I was.  I think of the guy that I had that experience with a lot.  We were childhood friends and we did it more than once.  Although he claimed to be straight and denied that we were having gay sex, he didn’t object.  At first it was not a big deal.  Eventually he got to the point where he didn’t want me to have my eyes open.  I always peeked and was caught a few times.  Those were certainly the good old days.  He had a very common name and therefore is difficult to track but I have tried over the years with no luck.  I’d love to know how his life turned out and I think he would be interested in how mine turned out.

I also remember that I had a secret that I couldn’t tell anyone (I also was a bed wetter for a very long time) because it would change how people treated me.  I remember feeling different.  There is my hair color, the fact that I learned at a different rate than everyone else and then my sexuality.  Wrap all of that up in a neat little bow and I felt like a freak.  Despite the fact that most people thought I would be a looser, I actually turned out damn well.  That’s not to say my life was easy by any means because it wasn’t.  Not only did I not have a normal family unit but I was also physically abused and grew up with a mother who used illegal drugs in front of me, not to mention we went on drug deals together.  There was palpable tension in the air at each deal.  I had a dealer threaten to cut out my tongue if I snitched and guess what I snitched anyway.  I was the kid that you wouldn’t want to play hide and seek with because I my laughing would give away my location every time.  You couldn’t do the wrong thing in front of me because I would always tell.  I’m not sure why I can’t look the other way when people do the wrong thing, but then again I am also glad that I can’t.  I really wish that I would have had a more “normal” childhood but I am thankful for what I experienced because it is what shaped and made me the person I am today. 

I remember wanting to kill myself more than once because life seemed insurmountable and unlivable.  I still have those feelings today from time to time.  When I was younger because growing up seemed way too difficult to accomplish.  Now that I am grown up, it because of the fact that I am all alone and at times it feels like everyone and everything is picking on me.  I tell everyone that my cats are my reason for living, it’s really true because they are the last living memory I have with my late spouse and I also made a commitment to them.  I won’t give up on them or abandon them, it’s not in me.  I do have great concerns about what happens when they all pass away, considering they are older it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  People tell me I will get another cat and life will go on but I do have my doubts.  My point here is it’s not easy being gay but there are many other people in this world that are attracted to their same sex.  There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s not sick, twisted or abnormal and it’s not a mental health problem.  It can’t be cured or prayed away.  I did try to pray it away but that didn’t work out.  I always wanted to be “normal” because life seemed to go much better and happier for those that were “normal”.  There is no such thing as “normal” it doesn’t exist.  Just because your attracted to the same sex, doesn’t automatically make you a pedophile or a sicko.  I get that as we get older we want a younger partner it’s mostly about looks which plays a big part in sex and sexuality.  I am actually all about younger but I want my partner to be of legal age and preferably in their 30’s or early 40’s. 

Why am I rambling on about this?  That is a very good question.  I just wanted to put it out there with the hopes that it will help someone.  A couple of common themes I find in being gay is that a lot of us are about helping people and a lot of us have been abused or come from broken families.  It’s a common thread and nothing more.  Vanity/looks are much more important in the gay community that I think of any other community in the world.  Being good looking, thin or muscular will work in your favor, whereas if you are overweight or morbidly obese your chances of finding someone are less.  Also for some silly reason once you turn 30 it’s like you have died in the gay community.  Age is truly only a number.  I still feel like the same teenager I was just older and with some medical and weight issues.  I’ve learned the person inside never, ever changes you will forever see yourself as young and feel like your trapped in an old body. 

Life truly isn’t fair but like any game it’s how you play it that determines the final outcomes.  You live each and everyday, not once like the saying says.  You do only die once.  So each day were all given a new chance to change what it is we don’t like if it’s within our control and most things are, even though they might seem like they aren’t.  Stand tall, be proud of who you are.  Only you know your surroundings best and if you feel comfortable and know it’s safe then come out.  Coming out is a lot like life in that you will do it many times in your life and each time you will get the same funny feeling and have the same apprehension and wonder will this person accept me or will they reject me.  It’s normal.  Being accepted is the very best feeling in the whole world.  Being rejected not so much.  You also have to be careful that people don’t fake you out by pretending to accept you to your face but behind your back they disparage you.  Growing up is scary stuff but hey if I can do it, then anyone can do it.  Be you because you are the best you there is and ever will be and no one else despite how much they try or want to, they can’t be you. 

I was also in therapy in my teenage years.  Oddly enough my therapist was gay.  His partner died suddenly and without warning.  He was devastated but managed to bounce back.  He is the person that told me I am gay, to which I denied it.  I didn’t want to be different.  However, he was right.  I was thinking of him on my commute to work on Friday.  Wondering where he is in the world and how things turned out for him.  He was in his late to mid 40’s when he was helping me.  I remembered being enamored by him and I just wanted to know everything about him, what he liked to eat, what shampoo he used, where he got his haircut, where he lived and I even orchestrated a whammy to get him to drive me home one night after our session, but that didn’t work out in my favor.  I hope that he was able to move on and find love again.  I could try to track him down but I don’t know that it would be worth it.  We did stay in touch for a while, until I had my meeting Jesus experience and then I wanted nothing to do with him.  Now I feel horrible in saying that because in truth there wasn’t anything wrong with him but it was probably better that we didn’t keep in touch.  I am thankful that I had the therapy experience because it helped me to grow and again become who I am today.  Life can be overwhelming at times and there is nothing wrong with therapy or finding someone to talk to in a safe space.  At the end of the day we all want to be loved and accepted.  Something as simple as a hug makes a world of difference. 

While I am hopeful that this has helped someone, I suppose it’s something that I will never know, so I just put this out there and hope for the best.  Thanks for stopping by and reading my rambles, a comment or two or three would be equivalent of a hug for me but don’t feel obligated.  I am not looking to guilt anyone into that.  Be well, be proud and be you!  Love yourself and then you will be able to love others.