After the death of my spouse, I wrote a book. It was therapeutic. Below is a chapter taken from my book verbatim. The book was written a few years ago but the general nugget of knowledge I am trying to impart still holds true today. My hope is that this will help someone out there. My belief in God has changed a bit over the years. I am still somewhat on the fence.
I also decided to look up the definition of the word GAY and here’s what it says according to Dictionary.com
Being gay only applies to my sexuality and my sexual preference. Outside of that, it doesn’t define who I am, what I like or anything else. It just defines the sex of the person I want to have sexual relations with. I know that there are people that say it’s wrong; it’s against the Bible, God Hates Fags, etc. My personal feeling is that gay people were created to be martyrs and when you discriminate, hate or treat us differently you are doing that to God. For that, I believe those that do shall be punished. I think that one day; we (gay people) will reap rewards for the hell we have been put through here on earth. Now just because that is my opinion doesn’t make it so. However, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality. I suppose I am biased there. It’s how I was born and just like you can’t pick your parents you can’t pick your sexual preference. It’s not a mental disease. You are not sick or twisted. You can’t pray the gay away. You can’t convert yourself because while on the outside you may appear to be living a “straight” life inside your true desires for a person of the same sex linger. That is something that no “straight” life will be able to quench.
Gay people who are trying to hide their secret become exceptionally good at deception and lying over time. Some people might suspect but until you confirm it no one knows for certain. Depending upon the circumstances, it is sometimes best to keep people guessing.
If you are gay, the sooner you and those that love you come to terms with it the sooner you and they will be able to move forward in life. Coming out is a very personal decision and something that you have to do when you feel it’s right. If it’s never right, well then so be it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do.
If you have thoughts of committing suicide, realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I understand that in the heat of the moment, with all of the pressure weighing on you, that you feel it’s your only option. Stop and think about those around you, those that depend on you and how they will get by. I’m certainly not a doctor or a mental health expert. I mean if you’re bound and determined to take your own life and you won’t entertain opinions or thoughts from others or won’t reach out for help before you rush to your decision then there is very little I or anyone can do to stop you. It’s like a runaway train. Think of what it will do to whoever discovers your lifeless body. Then there is also the possibility depending upon the method you have chosen, that you may not be successful and you could wind up having to live your life with a disability, disfigurement, etc. There are a lot of factors to weight before rushing into a decision that will determine your future.
Growing up gay is NOT easy. People are always making fun of you because you are different. I promise you that it does get better as you get older. I hear college is a real fun time, I wouldn’t know because I never went. Once you are an adult in the working world, I think is when you will find that things are truly as good as they are going to get. Society as a whole is starting to come to terms with Equality. Marriage isn’t for everyone but it’s nice that those of us that want to get married in many states can. I think we are just mere years away from society viewing gay as becoming common place. It’s like growing up with regular TV and then one day you get Cable and don’t realize how you ever lived without it. I think society one day will wake up and say who cares and move on.
I love to hear coming out stories. They are often filled with drama but in the end, it’s about a person letting those they care about know their sexual preference. Why do we (meaning gay people as a whole) feel compelled to share this? I mean “straight” people don’t walk around and advertise that they are straight; it’s just something that is assumed. I suppose it’s because we want and need acceptance and to know that no matter what those that we care about love us unconditionally.
If I can help someone deal with their sexuality through this book that would be awesome. I had next to no one there for me when I was feeling all of those strange feelings and thinking it was wrong. Being raised Roman Catholic didn’t help either. Talk about guilt!
The bottom line is to talk to someone about your feelings. Don’t let it go all bottled up because that is a recipe for disaster. That applies to most problems in life. Holding it in does no good and is self-destructive. Do not think that you are all alone or that you are the first person to experience this because you are not. I know there are many emotions that come with being gay. So your different, you are as God wanted you to be. Society today deals with that in a much more accepting way than when I was growing up.
I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. If they won’t or don’t want to listen then move on to another person. Consider looking online for resources. There is a program for youth called The Trevor Project and they can and do help a lot of younger folks. Talking is therapeutic and necessary for survival.
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