15 May 2013

Ready for THE END

#1 – One of the unions my partner belonged to is refusing to see our Civil Union as a valid marriage.  Therefore, they are denying me the Death Benefit and his last Pension Check that I am entitled to as his spouse.  They want to give it all to his no good son.  I am working on an appeal, but seriously doubt that I will make any head way but the sum of money is large enough that it’s worth my time and effort.

#2 – Settling my partners Bankruptcy to get to the point where I can get a hardship discharge will cost me $10k and there is no guarantee that the court will grant said discharge.  I have the $10k in the bank today but parting with it would create an undue financial hardship.  On the other hand I don’t want the case dismissed because the debtor died, because I just have a feeling that one if not more than one of the creditors would make a move on the house.  So my next option is to continue the monthly payments until we reach the $10k mark which will take about 40 months.  That sounds much more affordable.  When we get to that magic number then his attorney can file for the hardship discharge and we shall see what we get.

#3 – The bank that has the loan on the house, won’t do anything until the Bankruptcy is cleared up.  Which means I can’t assume the loan nor change the name on the mortgage to reflect the name of the trust.  They were under the assumption that Bankruptcy would be cleared up, but given the $10k figure today there is no way I am parting with that much money up front.  I can use that money to help pay down the existing mortgage.  So in a way I am assuming the loan.  However, I have asked them given the fact the Bankruptcy will be living on what now.  Are they going to foreclose on me?  Can they work with me on at least lowering the payment to make it more affordable.  I have echoed and echoed that I want to keep the house.  I know banks don’t want to become property owners and they will more than likely take my money.  I just fucking hate dealing with them. 

#4 – I tried to obtain financing on my own and was shot down twice.  Due to my bankruptcy last year, it simply has not been long enough.  I offered to pay off my car loan but it still won’t make a difference.  What people don’t understand is I didn’t do it because I was trying to screw over the system or creditors, I did it because my back was up against the wall and I had absolutely no other choice.  I have re-established credit and am paying all of my bills on time, never ever late.  In fact I am paying my partners bills earlier than he would have paid them.  I just don’t know exactly how long I can go before there will be a financial problem.  I am good at least for 6 months, provided my boss doesn’t do something stupid and fire me.  Which I greatly fear for.

#5 – The guy that I asked on a date finally responded.  He told me that he has someone and isn’t looking right now for a bf.  He would rather be friends.  I explained to him about my recent loss and that I wouldn’t mind getting together and being friends, hell who couldn’t use another friend?  I can’t exactly say that I have any gay friends.

#6 – I called ADT and they are lowering the rate for my service for 6 months and then instead of the rate jumping up $5 it will go back to what I was paying today.  I like the sound of that.  I called the cable company and they changed service over to my name and I am keeping what I have for now.  They discounted the bill by $35 per month for the next year.  That is better than nothing.  It’s not like they are exactly giving me service dirt cheap, which they can afford to do.  I may wind up cutting the cord for TV and just sticking with Hulu & Netflix.

#7 – I’m calling the phone company tomorrow and seeing about making changes to my service to lower the bill.  I really don’t use my home phone that much and only have it for the alarm.  However, I give the number out so I need at least call forwarding to be able to get calls on my cell phone.  Hopefully, I can swing a good deal with them.  I really don’t want to but I am also going to have my partners phone number turned off, unless they can make me a sweet deal for 2 lines.  I just can’t see paying for another line that I won’t really use, but it could be useful for a dedicated fax line. 

#8 – I have made all of the cuts so far that I know I can make, without being too drastic.  I figured out that I am spending $400 per month on the cats for food and litter.  I’ve got to find a way to fix that.  It’s major financial bleeding and it simply can’t go on.  I don’t want to get rid of them, but am not exactly sure how I can reduce my cost, unless I check into Sam’s club it might just pay off after all.

#9 – I am tired, just like I was back when he was dying.  I can’t get enough sleep to energize myself.  Work has it’s stress too and right now I have used up my entire evening, trying for an appeal, writing the cute guy back, crunching numbers and making calls to facilitate reduced cost service. 

I have seriously given thought to suicide because I feel that I can’t take anymore shit.  The walls are closing in on me.  There are several factors that are keeping me from moving forward.  The main one is the cats.  If they were out of the picture I think it would be more of a reality instead of just a thought.  I keep telling myself this too shall pass but it doesn’t seem to go away.  I’ve got to fire off an e-mail to the bank and then get ready for bed.  Talk with you peeps later.

1 comment:

Jude said...

What you are feeling about just packing it all in right now is a stage of grieving that a lot of us go through in the beginning, my friend. There are often, just like in your case, what feels like simply too many hurdles and it's overwhelming and depressing.

Hang in there, I know it's the toughest time in your life you'll most likely ever get through.... but you will.

Keeping you in my prayers, and sending love!