06 May 2013

Still Digging Out

I am making some real progress today with work.  I accomplished a lot.  However, I am taking a half hour break before it’s time to go home to update you.  That and I’m tired of working.  It’s been a long day. 

I got to thinking about my guy and his demise.  Then I thought of medical malpractice.  He saw his PCP several times and complained of dizziness, he put him on Antivert.  However, he still kept reporting the same issue and it was getting worse!  If his PCP would have done a Cat Scan or checked his Coumadin level, this could have easily had a different outcome.  I am doing what is natural here and trying to find someone to blame for his death.  I know that suing a doctor first of all is a long hard road and it would take years to get a payout, if I even could or would win.  The thought of suing is just that a thought.  Nothing anyone can do will bring him back.  I just feel like since he was old the doctor did some shortcutting on his treatment.  Just venting.

I did something last night that I thought I would NEVER do.  I wrote to a local church by e-mail to find out if gays are welcome.  I explained that I just lost my partner and told them very clearly that I was a homo.  Given the circumstances I didn’t want to go someplace where I wasn’t welcomed or where people would try to change me.  I am who I am, just looking for a church.  I really can’t picture me going back after the many years that I have been away.  Getting up early on Sunday, really.  Well no response as of yet to my e-mail, but I gave them my home phone number and told them when to reach me, so maybe they will call tonight.  I won’t hold my breath but it will be interesting to see if I get a response!

In cleaning up I learned a lot more about my guy.  He had a couple different e-mail addresses and corresponded with many people.  I knew about most of it and it’s honestly no big deal.  What kills me is when I reach out to these people and they don’t have shit to say.  I mean if he was so important to you, then you should at least find something to say.  Just my opinion.

I’ve changed my direct deposit, so it will in effect create a small savings for the mortgage payments as well as keep the bank from charging monthly fees on the account.  Hopefully, this will keep them at bay for a while longer.  I really want to keep his account going w/o any changes at least for the foreseeable future.  While I was at it, I decided to create a small savings nest for me.  It will be like an eating out fund.  I am taking $25 and putting it into a separate account.  The rest of my check will be deposited as normal and there won’t be much left.  The mortgage payment right now is $1,500. per month.  I am saving $1,000. per month so some where or some how I will have to come up with $500 more.  I am not worried at the moment since I have the life insurance money. 

The other thing I did this weekend was move money around.  I’ve got enough stashed away to pay for Bankruptcy but I figure I might as well earn as much interest as I can.  I did keep some of it local just in case I needed it in a pinch.

Tonight is trash night, I hate putting those bags out on the curb.  The trash man will be mad at me because there is a lot of crap this time around.  Something that he is going to have to get used to.  I will be cleaning out stuff at random and it will easily probably take 6 months to a year.  There is still his office, bedroom and then more crap in the basement.  So this will be a long run!

I went out to eat a lot more than I should have this weekend, but it’s all paid for with cash, so no worries.  I am sick of cooking for one already.  I am tired of the same old stuff.  I will be going to a different store to spice things up, but that will be in moderation.  I picked up more frozen and ready prepared food.  Tonight I think it will be Beef Tips and Noodles – looks gross but if they did it right I can eat it.  Throw in a side of mac & cheese there is dinner.  Cooking time like 10 minutes and eating time like 15. 

My sweet tooth has disappeared.  I have donuts at home that are going stale, which would have never happened while he was alive.  I know I am loosing weight which is good but I am in total shock as to why things are different now that he is gone.  I guess that is just it, I am in shock and my body & brain don’t know what to do. 

Speaking of which I wanted to talk about moving on.  There is a guy here in the building at work that I would like to get to know.  First challenge is to know if he is gay.  We don’t work together but from what I see on FB I think it’s possible.  He is an actor, which isn’t a good thing because he could easily fool me and I wouldn’t know the difference.  The other thing is I believe he is only 23 years old.  We have exchanged hello’s but that is about it.  We don’t work together just in the same building.  I am always staring at him.  So I thought about sending him a friend request seeing if he would accept it.  Then if he did asking him to lunch or dinner.  If he accepted then I would probably be a total mess but it would be a good thing, potentially.  I don’t want to jump right into sex and I am clearly not looking for a one night stand.  I would want to get into a LTR again.  However, I am telling myself it’s too soon or that it might not work out.  Maybe I am short changing myself.  Then again it would be my first ever date if I went through with it.  The other thing here is he is very tall and knows martial arts so he could easily kick my ass and well I wouldn’t want that to happen if he turned out to be straight.  It would be bad enough that I would be heartbroken.  I certainly don’t want to set myself up for failure, so right now I am just letting things be and admiring him from a far.  It feels strange to talk about a replacement bf and/or how to obtain one. 

Well clocks ticking and I need to pack up so I can get the hell out of dodge.  There is plenty to do tonight and tomorrow will be here before you know it.  Talk with you peeps later.

1 comment:

Jude said...

I think it's natural to want to find someone to place blame on when we lose a loved one. It hurts knowing they are gone, and we want to be able to say to someone, "it's YOUR fault".

I hope you hear something positive back from that church. I'm sure there is a church in your vicinity that gays are welcome in.

Good luck!