08 May 2013

Hurting

So last night I came home and had dinner.  I was watching the Golden Girls and sitting with the cats and just had to see a photo of my guy.  I looked at the photos I took of his body at the funeral home.  Then I had to see more, I went looking for videos on my phone.  I found one where he is singing and he stuck his tounge out at me, we were at the End of the world part back on 12-21.  I got a laugh out of that and watched it a couple times.  It really sunk in again that he is gone.  I always used to tell him absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You know something it’s true.  Lonley and depressed are how I felt.  I quickly got myself busy doing work before I just broke down.

Then it hit me, yesterday that it was payday.  I think with the emotional state I am in, they could keep my check from me and I wouldn’t know it until months later.  So I paid bills some mine, some his.  His license plates will expire at the end of June.  They want $101 for the renewal.  I’ve written a check but am debating on if I want to renew or not.  Plus his auto insurance renews at the same time, I can pay them by the month so if I change my mind I can cancel coverage.  The auto insurance people don’t know he is dead because they also insure the house and I don’t want to cause any problems.  Right now financially things are looking pretty good.  If I am sucessful in getting lower mortgage payments then I think everything will come together.

No word from the church, so I have written them off.  They obviously don’t want a homo in their service.  However, little do they know it the stats say that they have at least 1 if not more.  Those folks might not be out but they are there, trust me. 

No word from my high school buddy.  I went to look him up in the year book last night and he isn’t in my Senior or Junior yearbooks.  Not even listed under not pictured.  I know we went to school together but I have no idea what year he graduated.  I believe we are either 2 years apart or the same age.  One of his profiles says one thing and the background check I said says another.  Who knows which one is right?  I am proud of myself for taking a leap of faith and approaching him.  However, I honestly don’t expect a response.  Particularly because he is looking for someone who is slim and slightly shorter than I am.  I was always told gays don’t like fatties, now I know it’s true.  I am like a school girl checking my phone every 5 minutes or logging on to FB but no response.  If he does respond with a yes, I will really be surprised.  Hell even if we didn’t hit it off as bf’s we could still just be pals. One other thing is that he is looking for someone who has never been married.  I of course can’t say that I wasn’t married since I was in a Civil Union.  So I listed myself in my match profile as Widowed, because well that is the truth.  Perhaps that is a turn off or maybe he thinks I killed the last one and he would be next.  :)  Who knows?

Presuming he is a no reply like I anticipate, I will just chalk it up to it’s not the right time.  I might look on-line but approaching someone will probably be out of the question, unless he is just a true hunk of burning love.  Let’s face it looks are what attracts you but it’s what is on the inside that counts.  If you don’t take a chance with someone who is average or even ugly, you might be missing an opportunity of a lifetime.  I wouldn’t say I am average looking but like most gay guys I am not 100% okay with my looks.

So that was last night.  Then this morning I am 1/2 way to work and realize I forgot my work phone at home.  Poor cats I hope they don’t go insane from all of the ringing and vibrations.  I know that the phone will be on the floor by the time I get home, which is okay just as long as it’s not peed on, I will be okay.  Otherwise it might be time to upgrade.  Cat pee on a cell phone I just can’t imagine how you get that odor to go away, much less if it’s even possible and if the phone will still even function.  I guess I will find out when I get home.  Talk about a surprise. 

The lady that lost her mother is back in the office.  We can leave work early if we “plan” on attending the wake.  Otherwise we have to work as normal.  A funeral home is probably not the best place for me.  I really feel bad for her, but I don’t think I will be going.  I just hope that she doesn’t think less of me, just given what I just went through no way do I want to go to an actual funeral right now.  I’d be a mess for sure.  We have worked together for a year but outside of that I really don’t know her and I never knew her mom.  Just saying. 

My right arm is tingleing today, I noticed it when I  was in the car.  I popped my neck but no help.  I hope I don’t have a pinched nerve or something else going on.  I really want that feeling to go away. 

Final thing, I was always told that when your spouse passes you should transfer your wedding ring to your right hand.  I looked on line and didn’t see that anywhere.  You are pretty much free to do whatever you want.  Last night I got out a white gold necklace that I have, put a cross on it and my guys wedding ring.  I am wearing it around my neck.  I wanted to put my ring on it too but I really like wearing it.  I have had a couple close calls where I almost lost it.  So perhaps I will give in and put it on the chain, because if I did loose it, I would be really upset.  I guess I can wear one of my other rings or just go plain.  I did hear that most people when they are looking to get back to dating take the ring off so there is no confusion.

Well I should actually do some work today because that is what I am getting paid for.  I just don’t want to and it’s 11am.  I don’t think today will be too productive, oh well.  Tomororw will be like party time because you know who will be headed home.  I just can’t wait this is the last weekend that I will have free this month.  I have some cleaning in store but outside of that it’s just going to be free and open, whatever happens, happens. 

On the 18th I have the power outage at work to deal with.  On the 25th I am getting together with a friend to help me decide on prices and sell some of my guys stuff.  That’s it the month will be out of weekends.  Thankfully the 27th is a holiday, Memorial Day so I will get an extra day off, which will be really nice. 

Okay for sure this will be the last thing.  I have been trying to reach my guys cousin in NV.  They were so supportive and I talked to her and her daughter a lot when this first happened.  Now that the dust has settled a bit, I can’t reach them.  Either they are screening their calls or something happened.  I sent an e-mail last night asking if I am maybe calling the wrong number.  Still waiting on an e-mail response.  I really hope that we don’t loose touch because they said I was part of the family.  People will tell you all sorts of BS when it’s totally NOT true.  Who knows.

That’s it now I am really off to work.  Talk with you peeps later.

1 comment:

Jude said...

There is really no protocol on wearing wedding rings when you lose your spouse. I went through the same thing and so did my boss when she lost her husband.

I transferred my ring to my right hand about 1-1/2 years later, she did it about 8 years later. Some do it right away, some wear it on a chain on their neck. It's all what YOU feel like you need to do.

I do hope your work phone will be okay, and that you hear back from your hubby's cousin. Good luck!