20 May 2013

Is it the weekend yet?

I am just so tired.  I worked like crazy yesterday.  I fit in a nap but didn’t get much rest.  I spent most of my time crying.  The pain is just getting to be too much.

I put together some photos for his memorial dinner that will happen in a couple weeks.  I made a memorial photo of him and when I was done I just started balling.  I haven’t cried so much in a very long time. 

My sleep pattern was disrupted last night I got cold and woke up.  Then couldn’t go back to sleep.  The AC was in psyco mode.  It is set for a temperature but just randomly decides to ignore it and keeps on running and running, until you shut it off.  Give it a minute and then turn it back on, all is back to normal.  It works that way with the heat sometimes too. 

I woke up to take the carpet cleaner back yesterday and someone got sick.  I think it was Jumper because I have been skimping on his medicine.  He is back to his normal routine and while he doesn’t like it, he isn’t puking so I think we are both happy.  House looks pretty good and with a lot more effort some day I can say it looks nice.  Although with the cats around nothing stays perfect forever. 

I have a meeting this afternoon, not looking forward to it, because I tend to fall asleep in meetings.  Hopefully I don’t fall asleep in this one because my boss will be there.  That wouldn’t be a good thing. 

Got the grocery shopping done, only spent $55 not too bad.  I didn’t buy any meat everything is either frozen or ready prepared, just heat and eat.  That will get me buy for a while until some day I decided to learn to cook.  It just sounds like so much work.  Now I know what I was missing all of this time. 

Two things I am craving one is Meatballs & Cabbage a dish he used to make.  The other one is his Chili.  It was different every time but it was always better on the second day.  You know you don’t think about the little things you look at the big picture like the loss, then the bills.  Soon you realize there is just so much that you can’t take it all in at once. 

People be it work or at home, they fill in little gaps that we take for granted.  It’s like my grandpa said you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.  That rings so true for me now. 

We told each other often that we loved one another and I wish I could do it again.  I wish I could feel his arm on my shoulder.  I miss helping him maneuver around.  I miss the noise and the time we had together on the weekend.  So many things that I miss. 

As for a replacement well I just don’t think the time is right yet.  I know I will never find anyone that will be as good to me as he was.  Plus the whole idea of looking sounds like such a chore.  Especially since I am a virgin to dating.  I can usually read people very well and can figure out for the most part if they truly care or if they are just using me.  However, some people hide it so well and are good at being deceitful that even I can pick it up.  I worry about being taken advantage of or just used and thrown away like a piece of trash.  I don’t want anymore heartache or heartbreak.  I just want things to click into place.  I think I could be comfortable watching porn, using my hand and being alone for the rest of my life.  At least it’s safe sex.  The only problem is companionship and well the cats help me with that.

Time for me to run, I have to eat lunch and then ramp up for the meeting.  I hope there is no fresh hell in the mail tonight.  I always shudder going to the mailbox about what bill has come in or who wants what.  I am relieved when it’s all just junk mail.  Money would be nice.  Still waiting for his pharmacy and tax refunds.  I could sure use them now. 

You peeps take care and I will talk with you later, when hopefully I have more energy!

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