The Day that goes on forever

Turning back the clock and gaining an extra hour makes today seem like the day that will never end.  I was up at 6 and the children were expecting their breakfast.  My thought was to go back to sleep but that didn’t happen.  I actually watched some TV, relaxed a bit and then shaved off all of the hair on my face.  That was some relief!  Then I went to grab breakfast, hit up the grocery store, get gas and a car wash.  Came home unloaded the groceries and put them away.  Then futzed with my tire pressure.  I decided to inflate my tires to an even 40 pounds.  Then I put all of the sensors back on and reset the reader.  They all show 39, which is close enough in my book.  Now I will be watching to see how this tracks over the course of the week and that will determine if it’s a keeper or a ship her back. 

I called my brother at 11:05a on 11-05 and wished him a Happy Birthday.  He sounded wore out and said he was just watching TV.  No talk about death certificates and I wasn’t going to bring it up.  Right now it’s a waiting game to see if he says something or if the request I mailed off comes through – one way or another I will have a copy.  Patients is not my strong suite. Good thing I am not a doctor. 

I hit up the vet for more medicine and they gave in without a problem.  I was told to get the blood work done asap, yeah sure thing might be a couple more months but I will get it done. 

I went through the process of adjusting all of the clocks and only had problems with the atomic clock.  How strange is that.  I got it all set and then it would tell me it was 10 at night.  It took a couple times and then I figured out I needed to adjust the time zone and that fixed everything.  I changed the batteries and when I do that, getting that clock set again is always a little bit of a challenge, which is strange since it auto updates.  My alarm system still has the wrong time but every other clock is updated.  The alarm system will adjust in about a month or so, it’s an automatic thing and not something that I can manually set.

I did some research on potential buyers of the fur coats I inherited and found 3 places that look solid.  Now all I have to do is dig the coats out and photograph them.  The 3 places that I looked at will all supply prices based on photos so that will help me make a decision.  It feels awkward and if something happened to them before I was paid and they were lost or destroyed, I would be devastated. I kind of hate to part with them but it’s not like I can wear them and the cash in the bank will serve me much better.  I think I could be sitting on thousands of dollars but I will never know until I send off photos.  I could pay to have them appraised and that would give me an idea of what they were worth and if any of these 3 places would be trying to fuck me over but I may just take my chances.  Sending a photo is hardly a commitment.

I dug through some of the things I gathered of my mom’s, I remember this crystal lamp.  The thing was filthy and covered in dirt and dust.  I washed off the base and put the shade in the dish washer.  It runs on a nightlight bulb.  Cleaned up it looks like a masterpiece, which I will treasure.  I brought it to the basement so it doesn’t get broken but I am still mulling over where I am going to keep it at.  If I remembered for certain that I had this I would have never gotten that butterfly light/urn.  This is simple, plain but elegant and I am glad that I have it. 

We are presently under a Tornado Warnings and there was one hell of a monster storm that came through.  It was what my late partner would call a gully washer.  He loved those.  They are fine unless your driving then they are a complete nightmare because you can’t see shit.  Anyway, I made my way to the basement and checked on the sump pump.  Oddly it was dry and there was no water.  Then out of no where it was like Niagara Falls.  The pump kicked on and was so quiet I hardly knew it was running.  So I guess I am in the clear with the pump, at least for now.  That’s some good news. 

I am ready for tomorrow but not in any hurry for it to get here.  I have had the air conditioner on because this house is hot.  It will be time to change that and turn the furnace on because the rest of the week is supposed to be in the 50’s.  So not looking forward to colder weather. 

As I am sure you already know there was a mass shooting in a church in TX today.  All of the politicians have kind words to say but no one is doing a fucking thing regarding gun control.  Until we change our laws and limit what types of firearms people can have events like this will continue to happen.  People don’t need your prayers, it’s too late for that.  They need action which speaks louder than words.  Of course there are plenty of ‘gun nuts’ and the NRA to deal with and that is the primary reason why nothing has changed.  The NRA owns the politicians and as along as that happens nothing will change.  I have nothing against someone bearing arms, provided they are sane and responsible.  I don’t think the average person needs to own a semi automatic and/or an automatic weapon.  I don’t think the average person needs hollow point bullets.  If you want a basic handgun for protection and/or a rifle for hunting that’s all good, I have no problem with it.  My point is we need control and limits – reform the laws, don’t take away the right to bear arms just be specific in what people can and can’t own.  Make background checks and waiting periods mandatory regardless of how the purchase is taking place.  Outlaw ghost guns, which is something new that I learned about last night.  Violence never solves any problem it only creates more problems.  But for the actions of one person, think how many people would be just living a normal day.  I saw a tweet and it listed a bunch of public places that you were not safe in.  The fact of the matter is you are not safe anywhere, not even in your own home.  Someone could get into a gun battle in the street and the next thing you know a bullet is headed for you because it missed it’s target and hit your house.  It’s just crazy.  The other side of this is the kids that are killed by playing with firearms.  If you have a child, it should be mandatory for you to have a gun lock and a gun safe, period no exceptions.  Taking it a step further, you shouldn’t be allowed to keep a loaded weapon in your house if you own kids, again no exceptions.  The gun problem in American is easily solved with a little common sense, but unfortunately, common sense is not so common anymore.  I am sure this will cause controversy, but I will say this we are each entitled to our own opinion.  Just because a person has an opinion doesn’t mean it’s right.  Sure I believe my opinion is valid and right.  By doing nothing though, we are changing nothing and this insanity will continue. 

Now I am headed upstairs to turn off a leaky toilet, getting ready to have a threesome with Ben & Jerry and watch the premier of Shameless.  My lord this day has been so long!  I hope that I get to have a great orgasm and enjoy a lot of good TV because 3 of my favorites are on tonight.  Cheers to a great week ahead for me and for you and for our countries too. 

Active Shooter

I was kind of afraid for the weekend, fearing that I would sink into a rut and not want to come back out.  I did allow myself time to lounge, watch TV and relax.  I did that for the bulk of Saturday.  Finally, I got out around 4p and grabbed the mail and some Chinese Food.  Then on to the cat food store and finally back home. 

My new watch that I ordered came, it’s a little bigger than I thought it would be but I like it.  I wish it had a metal band instead of plastic, that just makes it look cheap but I have a dress watch with a metal band.  I only wear a watch to work and for some odd reason on Thanksgiving.  I really didn’t need this watch but I saw it and it caught my eye, so presto it’s mine. 

After I put the cat food away I installed my tire monitoring system.  If you don’t tighten the cap all the way, you will hear a hissing sound and air is leaking out of the tire.  The anti-theft system makes it a bitch when it comes time to take off the cap to fill the tire with air.  You have to remove the cap plus the anti-theft lug nut.  Then you can fill the tire with air.  I’ve got an air compressor that you set a dial to and it precisely fills the tire, still with that this thing is showing that my tires are under inflated, but in a safe zone.  I am going to see what it looks like in the morning and will likely make one more attempt at adding air to them.  Then it will be a wait and see thing, if this thing actually works as it proclaims.  I like it but I am a little skeptical and could easily see myself returning it.  I want to give it a fighting chance. 

If you have Amazon Prime, check out the movie called The Patent Scam.  It’s really an eye opener, it’s kind of boring when it first starts but stick with it and you’ll be very surprised.  If you have Showtime check out a series called Active Shooter.  It’s interesting and gives you a different look at various Active Shooter events that have taken place in the US.  They have yet to cover Las Vegas but I suspect it’s in the works. 

I’ve spoken with my brother off and on during the course of the week.  He has failed me on getting together this week to grab a bite to eat.  He told me that the funeral home called and wanted him to pickup the death certificates.  That is the one piece of paper we are waiting on to cash out the little accounts that she had.  He told them to place them in the mail.  Great so now we have to wait even longer. They should have surfaced today but I haven’t gotten a phone call from him.  Kind of figuring that he might opt to screw me, so I shelled out my money and ordered two copies on my own.  It cost me a small amount of money but once I have that document I will have power.  I told him that the Small Estate Affidavit is in place and made sure that he was agreeable to 50% of what ever balance she had in any account going to each of us.  He was fine with that.  He seems friendly enough but I know my family and revenge is a big thing.  I am playing nice but I’m not going to be stupid.  I could go and close out all of her accounts on my own without him but that would cause problems.  I am eager to see what she had in her credit union account and need a certified original death certificate in order to find out.  I’m interested to see how this will play out and what is going to happen to our relationship.  Thus far I don’t have a lot of confidence.  Who knows he might just surprise me.  Tomorrow is his birthday and I’ll call or send a text, which is more than he would do for me.

I am still grieving and have my moments, as one would expect.  I reached out to one of my mom’s co-workers by letter because I heard that she was particularly upset and feeling guilty.  I sent her a letter telling her to let it all go, she has done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel guilty.  I reminded her about when we spoke some years back when my mom’s mental illness was coming to the surface and she affirmed my believes.  That was the best thing she could have ever done and she told me that she needs help.  I remember telling my brother after I got off the phone with her about what she said.  We weren’t terribly close then but mom got us talking.  She was the one person who could bring both of us together, even if sometimes it was just to see the argument erupt.  I know damn good and well I was baited several times but that’s the past and there isn’t anything I can do about that. 

The work situation has gotten some attention, of course it’s a bit late.  Thus far nothing is being done it is a waiting game to see how much more he will fuck up before they have enough ammo to cut ties with him.  Me and my boss had a very frank conversation and he told me that everyone has a learning curve and there comes a time when you can no longer claim a learning curve, we are at that point.  I told him that I think if your going to BS your way into a job, you should be able to back it up or you shouldn’t try if you know you don’t have what it takes to carry out what and who you represented yourself.  I mean look I’ve not been the most qualified person for all of the jobs I applied for and I am very thankful for people who took a chance on me.  That is the only reason I am where I am today.  I may have BS’d a little bit and I think to a certain degree a lot of people do that but I didn’t dig myself a hole that I couldn’t get out of.  I have always come through, failure is not an option.  I don’t know what type of a game this guy is playing or how long he thinks he can hold on but I can tell you that the clock is ticking and his days are numbered.  He called me on Friday morning and left a voice mail asking me how to do a very basic task.  I called him back and walked him through it and he was thankful.  I also told my boss and forwarded the voice mail.  I’ll take every ounce of proof that I can get.  I just want him to shape up or ship out and at this point wanting him gone is probably the best thing that can happen to me.  That is the only way I can get a promotion, gain some sanity and stop wasting my time to train someone who is a fraud.  Also the sooner it happens that he goes, the sooner we can get someone in who cares and is more qualified and that I can train and they will learn instead of spinning my wheels and having a dumb ass who can’t follow simple written instructions to save his own life. 

Since I am on the work topic, I learned that we scored in the top standings of diversity places to work, we will be in the results released by the HRC.  I was really surprised to see that.  I’ve always wanted to work for an employer who ranked high in that regard.  It’s making me re-think if I want to come out at work.

So the good news is that there isn’t a lot of laundry to do this weekend, but the bad news is there is laundry to do this weekend.  Sunday will be clock adjustment day.  I decided I will take care of things after the fact instead of ahead of time, it’s just easier and I can be more calm about it.  The cats certainly won’t understand but they will adapt after a couple days.  So the sun deprivation begins and I will be driving in the dark for both of my commutes.  It’s always dangerous when we first start out because people somehow forget how to drive in the dark.  Personally, I hate it because not everything or everyone is well lit and you have to always be on guard.  My new fear or phobia is that I am going to hit someone, not as in wreck but injure or kill a pedestrian.  I hope it’s just a phobia and/or fear because that is the last thing I want to do.  I am all about helping people but this just hit me within the past couple weeks and it’s a nagging that won’t go away, so I am extra careful.

I haven’t shaved since last Saturday.  I am entering the itchy stage and people are telling me that my beard looks good and I should continue to grow it out.  Yeah well when I reach the point where I want to gnaw off my own face, that is when it’s time to shave.  I actually don’t want to get to that point so I will be shaving tomorrow if I can wait that long.  It’s going to require a pre-trim and then an actual shave which is double the work for going a day early.  I’d like to get back in sync which is why I really want to wait until tomorrow. 

Now I am going to hang up my shower curtain since it’s about to be fresh out of the washer.  Then I get the joy of putting out pills for me and then medicating the cats.  I reach out to my vet asking for sympathy and more medicine.  Normally they want you to comply with the monitoring panel of blood work but I explained that I just buried my mom and she didn’t have life insurance.  So my finances are a bit tough right now.  Sure if they twist my arm I will comply but I’d like to think they will give in and compromise, considering all of the business I have given them over the years.  Everyone with a slight exception for Marv is doing fine.  He worries me because of his incessant meowing, the slobbering and the fact that he doesn’t appear to be gaining any weight.  He is a little bit of a different cat and I still have a bad feeling about him but I’ve shoved it to the back of my mind.  Death is the last thing I need another dose of now, especially with the holidays coming. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend, I know that I am going to try.  Looking forward to tomorrow nights premier of Shameless.  I hope there is some hot gay sex with Ian, I know he will be shirtless a little bit and that in it’s self is a huge turn on.  I know it’s only a character but damn the actor is super fine!

Cheers for now. 

Gator the bed hog

Much to my dismay I let Gator spend the night with me.  I had issues falling asleep and staying asleep.  Not exactly sure what that was about.  Other than saying it was job jitters.  I get that when I take time away and have to return.  Normally I would power through it and I’d be so busy my body wouldn’t know the difference.  I’d sleep really good the following night. 

However, this morning I just decided I am taking 1 more day.  Matters not who’s bank it comes out of but I just need 1 more day.  I got a little extra sleep, watched way too much TV.  Saw a movie Sordid Lives Wedding, it’s a new release and available on Amazon.  I’ve seen all of the Sordid Lives series and this didn’t disappoint.  It did cost me $4.99 but it was worth most of what I spent. 

I didn’t worry about work, didn’t even turn email back on my phone.  I put my phone on do not disturb and unless you were in my contacts, the phone wouldn’t ring.  I saw my voice mail light lit up and got a little concerned maybe something happened at work.  Nope it was a head hunter.  While I have thought about changing jobs, considering my recent automobile acquisition I’m staying put.

I took in another movie as well, I think it was called 25 pills.  It was interesting and there were some cute guys in it.  One of which I knew I knew from somewhere.  So I had to finish the movie to get to the credits.  Then I did my research and bingo I remember the guy from Nip/Tuck he played Matt, wow still super sexy.  I just love solving a mystery. 

Then I fell back to Queer as Folk.  I like to re-watch it from time to time.  I remember waiting patiently each week for Sunday and then coming to the basement, where our TV room was.  Then recording the episode and watching it live at the same time.  The sex scenes with the guys used to get me all hot and bothered.  They are still hot but they don’t have the same effect on me.  I remember hearing my late partner make different remarks and try to talk while we were both watching a show.  Something he was famous far.  Even watching porn he would cry foul when he saw something amiss.  Talk about messing up the moment, that did it.  What I wouldn’t give to have it all back. 

It’s been a day where my mind still strolls down memory lane.  Like the time my mom told me about sex in the middle of a laundromat.  The time she took me a long on a job interview, I waited in the lobby and then had to use the bathroom, I was still very young.  She took me into the women’s restroom and some lady made a big deal about it.  My mom brought out her famous F bomb and big mouth and that lady got an ear full.  I figured she messed up any chance she had at getting the job but nope, she got the job and kept it for 20 something years.  Strange how things work out. 

A new show that I have taken in is Kevin Probably Saves the World.  It’s rather interesting and the listen to the universe principal is kind of unique.  I’ve tried it and thus far it’s been the right thing. 

Just before making this post I elected to check in at work and man alive there is so much stuff for me to do, I am going to be buried neck deep.  Not sure where to begin all sorts of problems, a departure and a new hire.  Yeah it’s gonna be a busy day so Thursday should fly by and Friday will be here in no time.

Pee pads came today that made Bear happy.  Tomorrow my tire monitor will arrive and that will make me happy.  I am thinking unless it’s jus super simple I will probably save it for the weekend, sounds like a good Saturday project.  At least this week with only 2 days to commute I will save on gas, which is a good thing.  I still have a full tank from when I filled up on Sunday.

My allergies decided to attack me late this afternoon.  I was sneezing off and on all day, then my eyes started itching and that was it.  They moved in for the kill and I fought back with eye drops and nose spray along with my evening medicine.  The new candles I bought probably didn’t help, they were burning yesterday but I didn’t light a single one today. 

I did doze off here and there but fought to stay awake for the bulk of the day.  I will ramp up on sleeping medicine tonight and I shouldn’t have any problems.  For good measure I will probably kick Gator out tonight.  She won’t be happy about that but it’s for the best. 

Tomorrow the weather is supposed to warm up for a few days and when we get back to Monday the bottom falls out again.  See saw temperatures are not good for me, it’s when I tend to get sick.  I am fighting against it and hopefully it will pay off. 

I am having a little bit of a time with moving on but I think that once tomorrow morning comes and I actually drive in to work, that will help a lot.  I’ll miss my furry kids but they will be there waiting for me when I come home and that will be a very welcome site. 

So Wednesday evening TV is about to begin and I guess I should get to stepping so I don’t miss anything and can enjoy some additional time with my furry family.  I did find Ruth in my bed this morning and she let me pet her and everything.  I think she was still groggy.  Normally she is hell on wheels and quite particular about when I can touch her.  I love her so much and her unique personality but I really wish she would warm up to me more than she has.  I have no intention of hurting her and you’d think she would realize that after all these years but I suppose that one can never be too careful. 

Looking forward to Sunday when Shameless comes back on, plus we get an extra hour.  Yes, it’s time change weekend.  I was upset at first then I remember oh yeah we get an hour back so it won’t be so bad after all.  Just wait until Spring I won’t be happy then. 

Hope you had a great Wednesday.  Two and a half weeks until Turkey Day and Black Friday.  I have no plans for Black Friday but I am looking forward to Turkey Day!

Cheers. 

Goodbye October

What a tremulous emotional month.  October was kind of already ruined for me and now with my mom’s passing that just adds more to remember that happened in this month.  I am glad today is the last day of the month and when I start work tomorrow we will be in a new month, a fresh start.  I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving!

Today I stayed in bed a little too long but had fun cuddling and being lazy.  Got my shower and laundry going.  I’ve talked my self out of leaving for Taco Tuesday at a local bar.  I was looking forward to it but today could be a day where I didn’t go anywhere and spent the entire day at home.  So that was appealing to me and I made up my mind.  Now the bigger decision should I have left over pizza or something frozen?  I don’t want Pizza but that’s what I will probably have just to get rid of it. 

Speaking of getting rid of things, I threw out the fresh flowers today.  They were starting to die and it was time for them to go.  I will miss the purple violets but at least I got a nice vase. 

I cleaned the house already and am working on Laundry.  I have a fair number of long sleeve shirts washed and my closet will be a mix of long and short sleeves.  Until the weekend and I can do more laundry then.  I am just tired and want to relax. 

I made a call to a credit union my mom used to have an account at.  I think there is a zero balance but they wouldn’t talk to me over the phone.  They want paperwork.  Dummies asked if I had a power of attorney for financial affairs.  Duh, power of attorneys are null and void upon death.  So now we wait for the death certificate.  I prepared a Small Estates Affidavit.  I will have it checked out for legality and if everything is in order I’ll sign it and get it notarized.  Then this will be a breeze to complete.  I don’t need my brother and can do it all on my own, considering that we each get 50% of what’s left I don’t think of this as a big deal.  I don’t want to make him mad so I’ll tread lightly but once I have the death certificate I want to get this going.  The sooner you start the sooner you finish.  There isn’t much money at stake so far as I know.  What was odd to me with the credit union was I asked if they could tell me if there was or wasn’t a balance and they wouldn’t confirm or deny anything over the phone.  That leads me to believe that there is money there but then again I could be wrong. 

Crazy is how I would describe the last 2 weeks – up and down, but mostly down.  This all was moving slow, then it got faster and now it’s done.  Hard to believe how quickly your expected to just move on with your life.  It’s easier when you have people around you.  Going back to work for me will be the best thing.  However, I wouldn’t object to a couple more days at home. 

I looked ahead and see that all we get for Christmas is Christmas Day and it falls on a Monday.  I am thinking of asking for the day after off, but we shall see.  I am interested in the holiday schedule for 2018.  I also will have several departures to process at the end of the year.  I have some names but not a final list and the last day of the year falls on a Sunday.  How strange is that? 

So now it’s back to normal and trying to pull myself together.  I think I will make it but like everything else in my life it won’t be easy.  Time to feed the children and figure out what is for dinner besides Coke Zero. 

Happy Halloween!

Monday

As you probably already guessed I spent the bulk of the day doing nothing and sleeping.  It felt good but once I got busy and left the house all I wanted to do is come back home and climb back in bed. 

I got my bed clothes through the laundry, let’s hope Gator has an easy tummy so that I don’t have to wash them again anytime soon.  I got all of the bills paid so we can stay another month.  I have a nice surplus of money left to live on, thanks to my overtime so there is something to smile about.  I didn’t get bothered by work today again something to smile about.  I had dinner out and it was okay.  I added 2 more candles to my collection.  You know those things you just have to have!  I also picked up cat litter which is a good thing to have if you have cats. 

I ordered a watch that I admired, damn Facebook advertising.  I also got my Nonda Zus Tire Monitoring Kit, plus more pee pads for the boys.  Everything will be in by Thursday. 

I found a photo of my mom and me together with one of her dogs.  I was much younger and smiling.  Kind of wish I would have had that for the service.  Her oil painting photo is still boxed up.  I have no idea where or even if I want to hang it.  I really wish that I could talk to her now more than ever, just to clear the air.  I know that she loved me and missed me.  I also know what I did was for the best and I didn’t think that she would die before we had a chance to talk again.  Long story short, no matter how ridiculous it sounds when my little voice tells me something I will be listening much closer.  I will be less likely to ignore it.  

The highlight of my day was watching Smokey & The Bandit from start to finish.  It’s been a long time since I did that.  I also got to lay in bed and hold Marvin.  We both enjoyed that. 

I have no desire to return to ‘the real world’ but it’s calling.  Thankfully not too loud because I still have the rest of the evening and all day tomorrow.  That is awesome.  I will try to spend the day on the computer, cleaning and doing laundry.  Then the evening with the children watching TV. 

I did some on-line sleuthing and found my brothers address, which for some reason is a huge secret.  He was supposed to send it to me by text but that didn’t happen.  We are supposed to get together for dinner one night this week, not sure if that will pan out or not.  I wanted to get together today but the bimbo was making dinner for them so that was out.  She wants me to come over and eat her cooking.  Yeah not going to happen.  I don’t trust her and I really don’t like her. 

My friend that bought us dinner after the funeral remarked to me that me and my brother were two different people.  We don’t look alike and we don’t act alike.  Yeah I said white trash and he jumped on that.  I know my brother can do better but a stiff dick doesn’t have a conscious. 

Well I am being herded to get upstairs.  Momma is protesting me being on the computer and if she isn’t happy then no one here is happy.  Cats what can I say they run the place, even though I pay the bills.  It’s probably best to call it a night. 

I am doing okay but still very much processing my mom’s death.  It’s just so hard to comprehend that she is gone.  So much finality when I really don’t want it to be final. 

Exhausted

We had a decent turn out for the funeral.  Most of the people were made up of my brothers’ girlfriends family.  A lot of family from my grandfathers side showed up, that was really nice to re-connect with them.  I saw old co-workers of my moms which was nice. 

We only had 1 server aka alter boy.  He was young, very cute and short.  He did a nice job.  So much so that me and the bimbo thought he deserved extra money, so he got it. 

There was no questions from the priest.  The only flowers that were sent were from my employer and friends that I work with.  The funeral home supplied a single rose.  So not much to worry about.  I got to take what I wanted but I am not big on fresh flowers, because they die and because they are something for the cats to get into. 

Much to my surprise I got the oil painting of my mom.  My brother said he is not big on pictures.  There wasn’t a single photo of me and mom together, it isn’t something that exists unless you count my baby album.  Her and my brother had some pictures. The urns we chose (butterflies) are actually lamps.  I didn’t know that or I would have never picked it.  What’s done is done. 

The thumbprint necklaces won’t be in for 6 weeks and my brother tells me now that he won’t wear it, he isn’t big on jewelry.  For fuck sake I wish he would have spoken up sooner that would have saved me $270.  However, I have the oil painting so I guess it evens out. 

It was a touching service that allowed for proper grief release.  I still feel some guilt but I have determined that no good will come of it, so I moved it to the back burner. 

We gathered at Olive Garden afterwards and it was a hell of a wait both for a table and for our food.  We got free desert because the waitress inquired what we were celebrating.  Not to mention with a large party there was a ton of money spent. 

This all started for us at 10:30 and I wasn’t back home until 4p.  I remarked to my brother when we were done, see what I meant about it taking all day.  He thought it would be a few hours and he would be free to spend the rest of the day, the way he wanted.  Not so. 

I was drained by the time I got home.  I just ate a sandwich, drank a soda, stayed in my room watching TV.  I kept nodding off so I took my sleeping medicine early and called it a night around 8p.  I got a few hours sleep in and then one of the cats woke me up, so I had to watch TV at that point to fall back asleep.

This morning I rolled out of bed at 8a.  Got dressed and headed to the place where I asked the 16 year old out a few weeks back.  He’s still there, his hair is dyed blond and black, he is pasty white and no so appealing especially now that I know his age.  Then I got gas, went grocery shopping and came home.  Turns out I forgot my belt when I left the house.  I had to keep pulling my pants up, which was annoying. 

Then I watched a little TV, watched some porn and it was lights out until around 2p.  I had an idea to grab a pizza.  Got on the interstate and got into a traffic jam.  Decided to for go the place I normally go to and visit an old place in town.  It was okay and I still dropped $$ but it was a nice change of pace. 

Hit up the cat food store, Sam's and came home.  Turns out I over drew my checking account by $1.40.  I fixed that quickly once I saw it.  Talked with my brother and this is really the most time I have spent in front of a computer since I left work on Friday. 

I am grateful that I have two more days to myself.  That will help because I am behind the 8 ball.  The kids know something is wrong but can’t identify what exactly it is.  They are happy I am at home because they can beg for food right now and I’ll give it to them.  I don’t want to listen to any begging. 

I need to go up and try to get ready for bed.  It’s more like relax watch TV and see when I fall asleep.  So the immediate weight is off.  Now we wait for death certificates and the jewelry I purchased.  Then in a couple months we can close out her bank accounts and we should be done.  I’m hoping I get some of the money but I really don’t feel entitled to any.  More later…

The day before

How things change, just last week at this time my mom was still alive and I was working on her Birthday card.  This week I am getting ready for her funeral.  It seems so unreal.  I can’t believe she died at such a young age and so suddenly.  Not that I would have wanted her to have a terminal disease but it would have at least put me on notice that the end was coming, instead of it hitting me over the head like a ton of bricks. 

All of the arrangements are made, now I just have to show up.  The weather here has turned cold and it feels much more like October now.  There is a frost warning out for tonight, so you know that tomorrow won’t be a warm day but at least the sun should be shining. 

I think I will get through this okay, I mean losing my spouse was much more devastating and heart wrenching.  I still am little bit numb.  My concern shifts more to my little brother.  He has plenty of people around him and I think that is good.  Mom and him spent so much time together and have been through so much.  I just worry that he will fall apart. 

We chatted tonight and it sounds like were going to Olive Garden afterwards as a family.  I don’t consider his girlfriend or her family, my family even though they probably will eventually become related through marriage.  I just want to spend time with my brother, enjoy a good meal, remember mom and chat. 

I think my late spouse would be proud of me how I fronted money, even though I couldn’t afford it.  How I responded to the whole thing and the fact that me and my brother are talking again.  I just hope the talking part lasts and isn’t temporary.  It’s a two way street so it remains to be scene. 

Tomorrow will be a difficult day but I am glad that we will be together.  We both always knew this day would come but neither of us can believe it’s actually here and now.

My mind is all over the place, I feel the stress and I easily forget things.  That didn’t start until I came home tonight.  I was fine all day at work, all I really wanted to do is come home.  It was a pretty quiet day as Friday’s go and honestly I would have loved to get out early. 

I got a call from my boss and he said that someone screwed up as he held up a card for me.  We have video phones at work.  Anyway, he said that it would be in and waiting for me when I came back on Wednesday.  I could see that he was pretty upset about the fact that someone fucked up, but it happens.  I am okay with it, I mean if I wasn’t what exactly could I do about it?  Right, nothing. 

The part that really sucked is today would have been my late spouses birthday.  This month I think is forever ruined with all that has happened.  My mom’s passing brought up memories from when my late spouse was passing away, it’s not a good time but I am strong (somehow) and I will make it through this.

I am interested to see what kind of a crowd we have tomorrow.  I’ll be back with another update at some point during the next 4 days. 

Stay warm and be well.  Thanks for your visit, I appreciate it more than you know!

Arrangements

I got a call back from my brother and we made arrangements together on Sunday with his bimbo girlfriend tagging along.  She did help out a little bit.  Turns out the Funeral Home has some wicked privacy policy.  We both thought that we were being left out and something was seriously wrong.  Not the case at all, they just wanted us to be present. 

The meeting started at 2p and didn’t end until 4 hours later.  Jesus Christ they covered every little nook and cranny option and this was a huge upsell time.  They want all of your money and it’s emotional, your vulnerable and why not capitalize on that.  It’s business and business has no room for emotion it’s all about $. 

That said mom did pay for something ahead of time but it wasn’t much just a basic cremation, a cremation container (which is a cardboard box that costs $400 today) and a ceramic urn.  There were other fees that she didn’t account for so there were plenty of costs for us to bare, plus they won’t do anything until you pay them.

Long story short here we each will have a stain glass butterfly to keep with part of her ashes in it.  The rest of her remains will go into a sand urn.  It’s totally made of sand and there is a water soluble liner inside, so that once the urn comes in contact with water the remains release back into the earth.  She wants to be scattered by her parents grave, which we will do at a later date and time.  Remember Glamour Shots?  Well she had a photo set done there and they made her look like a hooker.  That was the best photo that my brother had of her and that is what were using for the service as well as her obituary.  The photo will be an oil painting of her framed in Cherry Wood.  He will get to keep the painting.  We are having a memorial mass for her on Saturday.  There will be visitation for an hour ahead of time.  We will be allowed in a 1/2 hour before friends start calling. 

The final total was several thousands of dollars, which in any ordinary case would be covered by life insurance.  Our mom doesn’t have any, she was very close to penniless.  It’s very sad.  My brother took care of her and he had financial responsibility but I couldn’t in good faith let him front the entire bill, likewise I can’t afford much and gave much more than I can afford.

The most unique thing that we will each have is a necklace in silver with mom’s thumbprint on it.  They can do it in gold but it’s $1,297 and that is a lot for a little medal.  If money were no object then I would go for it.  I told them we will take 2 in silver and my brother just looked at me as if to say WTF.  I told him I was buying 1 for each of us to have.  He’s okay with that but kind of thinks it is unnecessary.  I think when he has it in hand he will be much more appreciative and thankful.  He can keep a little bit of her with him all the time. 

Saturday will be a very long and emotional day.  I think I am wise to take my remaining 2 days on Monday & Tuesday next week.  The church lady wanted to meet with us both on Wednesday this week to discuss hymns and verses.  Oddly enough we both are thinking of the same 2 songs.  I am letting my brother drive this as I told him I don’t really have anything to contribute and he is okay with that. 

I suggested to him that after the service is done that the family … meaning him and his girlfriends kids and who ever the hell else tags along including me all go to Olive Garden.  It was mom’s favorite place and brought so much joy to her.  I can’t ever think of OG without picturing her, even seeing a commercial is a huge trigger. I wanted to go today for lunch but talked myself out of it and it’s probably better. 

I spent the day doing most of what I would normally do on any given Sunday and for the kids sake I didn’t run the noise machine aka vacuum.  I did go through a ton of photos, my brother called this morning and asked about pictures of her.  I didn’t think I had but 1 and after searching I found 10.  I got them scanned in and sent them to him.  None of them were exactly what he was looking for but hey at least he has 10 more photos than he had this morning. 

We have been back and forth all afternoon long.  I think all the bases are covered.  Now I have to pull myself together and go back into everyday life.  I think I will be fine.  Honestly I didn’t think I would be as emotional as I am and what is eating me alive is guilt.  I feel so bad.  I know she understood but it would have been nice to spend time with her before she departed the earth.  I miss her so much and we weren’t that close.  If you think about it she is the only person I have known my entire life, she gave me life and well that is a huge bond.  At least we don’t have to go through this again.  The next time will be one of us burying the other and I pray that is no time soon.

My brother has a new job and has been there for close to a year.  It’s kind of neat, he pressure tests cylinders.  Sounds interesting.  He bought a house.  Anyway they have a care program for when you lose a loved one they will pay you $1,500 which is just unheard of.  I told him take every penny they are willing to give you, you need it and it will help defray costs.  He is down playing it and doesn’t think he qualifies but I told him to look into it.  I will be talking with my HR Department tomorrow and I can pretty well guarantee that we don’t have a similar program. 

Well it’s off to the upstairs where I will wind up my evening.  Sleeping is something that neither of us has done much of.  I hope that I sleep very well tonight because tomorrow is coming at full force.  I just keep asking why did she have to go at such a young age and why now?  She was an organ donor and we were told they took skin and her corneas.  Oddly enough 1 of her corneas was failing.  So it’s nice to know that a part of her is still living.  My family has always been one to help others and I suppose that is all of our missions in life. 

I hate to be so depressing but we all need an outlet and this is mine!

 

Emotional Day

Last night I sent a very long winded text to my brother.  I was surprised that this morning I had no reply.  Figuring that he was operating without me and trying to fuck me just one last time I reached out to the funeral home.  They didn’t know I was also next of kin.  They kept saying they had spoken with “the family” and that is when I lost it and said I am her fucking family what part of my mother don’t you understand.  So I was told that under state law nothing can be done with her body until they have my signature on a form.

I called my brother and had to leave a voice mail.  I used the information I had regarding the law as leverage and got a call back with in a few minutes.  He was trying to shut me out.  But my new found knowledge helped bring him to his senses.  Now we are going to make funeral arrangements together this afternoon. 

We don’t have to be adversaries and there doesn’t need to be tension or a RIF in the family.  But I can’t make him change his mind or think differently.  I suspect that once this is done that will be the last time I see or hear from my brother for a very long time. 

My heart hurts much more today than it did yesterday.  I find myself doing all sorts of crazy stuff and can’t remember anything.  That is my first sign that I am in stress mode.  I really want to go to work tomorrow but not sure if that will happen or not.  I didn’t sleep well last night and that is despite the fact that I took an extra sleeping pill.  Perhaps if I can make it through today w/o a nap, the stress from the day will help me to sleep or so I hope. 

Clearly this is not how I planned to spend my weekend and everything is just turned upside down right now.  The cats know something is wrong but they are unsure of what or how to fix it.  Time is the only thing that will make things better. 

Really wish I had someone by my side to help me through this. 

Rest In Peace

I had so much planned for today, I got woke up early by Gator and fed the kids.  I finished up Schitt’s Creek and then laid down with Marv & Gator.  We just got comfy and the phone rang.  Something told me to answer it, so I followed my instinct.  I saw it was my brother calling and knew that it probably wasn’t good news. 

I answered and it was his girlfriend, she was yammering on and told me to get to the hospital that was close to their place.  I was stark naked when she called [sorry if that gave you a visual] and threw on some clothes fast, took my pills and dashed out the door. 

I had to put the address into my Navigation system because I didn’t quite know exactly where I was going.  Me and my new wheels jetted that way and my top speed was 115mph.  I was flying and just couldn’t get there fast enough.

I parked and walked in a feverish pace to the door marked Emergency Room.  As I entered a short lady asked me if I was Jeremy and I responded, she said I’ll take you back to be with your family. 

We walked what seemed to be a never ending hallway and finally got to this large room where the curtain was closed.  As I entered the room I was trying to psych myself up for what I was going to see, I knew it would be a dead body.

As the curtain opened and I entered the room my mom was laying on a stretcher and my brother was sobbing his eyes out as his girlfriend tried to comfort him.  Our mom had passed away from a massive heart attack.  I was numb, a little sad but overall numb.  I am still processing things in my mind. 

I spoke with a nurse and expressed my concerns that there could have been foul play involved.  He spoke with the coroner who said that it sounded like natural causes and released the body to the funeral home.  If I wanted an autopsy it would come out of my pocket and it wouldn’t be cheap.  I decided to just let my suspicions go to the grave with my mom.  It just isn’t worth it. 

What the girlfriend told me was they picked her up last night and she expressed concerns over shortness of breath.  She often did this and they just shrugged it off.  Mom went to spend the weekend with my brother.  This morning they were eating breakfast and she expressed the same concern again.  They again shrugged it off as the boy crying wolf.  The girlfriend noticed that mom was turning blue and they suggested that she lie down, she did and that’s when the lights went out.  The girlfriend started CPR and they called 9-1-1.  Am ambulance arrived quickly and got her to the hospital quickly.  They gave her 7 rounds of epi and tried to bring her back, despite the fact that she didn’t want to be resuscitated.  There efforts failed to revive her. 

My relationship with my family has been distant since the event that occurred a couple years ago.  It’s when something like this happens that you wish you would have done things differently.  I had an inkling that I should go see my mom a few weeks ago but I dismissed it.  Now I know why I had the feeling and had I saw her it might have made today a little easier.  What affected me the most was seeing my brother cry.  I can’t stand to see him in pain or suffering, despite everything we have been through.  It just tears me up.  He is distant with me and I get that.  The events of today brought true what our grandparents used to preach to us … someday it will be just you 2 and you should get along because one day each of you will only have the other.  Profound words that echoed loudly in my mind. 

We know that mom made arrangements in advance many years ago.  We know that she wants cremation.  We don’t know if she paid for it and if she wanted a service or not.  I’m waiting to hear the details and don’t know if or when they will come.  I am entitled to 3 days of leave at work and have already called my boss.  I don’t know that I will be taking time away.  I told my brother to let me know if he needs anything and what the arrangements are. 

I could but in but I figure that he took the lead a long time ago with being financially responsible for her and this is the final task that he should preform.  If he wants me involved I am happy to be there but if not, that’s okay too. 

I am still numb to it all but the emotions have been going through my mind and I suspect they will for the days to come.  I have many memories both good and bad to reflect on.  I pray that my mom is at peace.  She no longer has to battle the demons that ruled her life for so many years. 

She was only 64 [what is oddly eerie about this is that I am 46] and her birthday would have been on the 29th.  I had just prepared a birthday card for her last night and written a note to her.  Now I wished that I would have called.  I take comfort in the fact that she didn’t die alone, she was with my brother and that beats dying in a nursing home alone. 

I really wish that things would have played out differently here as I write this the more the emotions are getting to me.  I know I will be okay but I have to get to a breaking point and cry, let it all out and then well that’s when the healing will start. 

Even though I was estranged from her, I still sent cards and letters to her.  Not as frequently as I would have liked but I did.  I remember the times in years past when I would just show up out of the blue and we would go to lunch, that would make her day.  It made me feel good that I was making her feel good.  The look of joy on her face was comforting.  When it was time for me to leave it was always a struggle for her because she didn’t like saying goodbye or parting ways.  It was never an issue until her mental illness started to get more aggressive. 

Death is the ultimate consequence that we all must suffer eventually.  Seeing others go before you doesn’t make it easier but it’s a journey that we each get closer to traveling each and every day.

Mom, may you rest in peace.  I will always regret my decision to not have you in my life a little more. 

Noise

I woke up this morning and all I heard was noise.  I thought it sounded like the sump pump was stuck.  I talked myself out of checking on it.  Went about my day and when it was time to continue laundry the damn thing [sump pump] kicked on and scared the living crap out of me.  It didn’t want to shut off.  I figured for sure I would be spending my day trying to replace it.  Thankfully I took a logical approach and after some testing realized that the float needed to be relocated.  I also learned that there are 3 drains into the pump and up until today I always only thought there was 1.  It’s been raining here and the pump does get a work out when that happens.  Otherwise, it’s silent.  I proved that it still works and tested it twice.  If that thing stops working my basement will be a mess.  This old house has been around for 25 years and I have lived here for around 20 years.  That is a long time to be in one place.  No wonder I have the desire to move but it’s just not practice.  If anything I would downsize and move to a condo, town house or smaller house.  There shall be no apartment living for me.  Close neighbors suck.  I don’t want to hear them and I don’t want anyone to hear me.  Although there have been several times when I orgasm I though for sure the police were going to be called.  Yeah, I’m that loud.  I blame it on too much porn.  TMI.

Still watching Shitts Creek.  Spent time with the kids today and trimmed Marv’s nails.  He wasn’t happy about that.

The weekend has only been 2 days long but it feels more like an eternity.  I was able to relax and just forget about work in general and worry about me, my future and the kids.  My back even stopped bothering me, but now that I am back in front of the computer it hurts. 

Had breakfast at Steak N Shake.  Tried their new Cinnamon Crunch Breakfast Milkshake in the small version.  It’s not something that  I would order again.  Lots of things go good in a shake but cereal isn’t one of those things.  Neither is a hamburger, hot dog or bowl of chili.  Fruit, Birthday Cake, Pumpkin Pie, Hot Fudge those things are perfect for a shake just not all of those ingredients in one shake. 

I am tardy for my evening wind down routine and I am sure I will catch hell for it when I climb the stairs.  I took some time yesterday and went down Memory Lane it brought back all sorts of memories.  I really like looking at kitten picture from when the kids were first born.  They were so tiny and extra cute.  Life was so perfect then and I felt a bliss that I have never experienced before and I am not sure if I will ever experience again.  I miss my life or what it used to be.  I am happy to have freedom and independence but I would cash it all in if only I could go back in time and live the good times again and they would never end. 

Ah well time to shove off and climb the stairs, watch a little more TV with the kids and then get ready for bed.  Here’s hoping Gator doesn’t have one of her fur ball attacks on the bed or at all for that matter.  That little girl has made me wash my bed clothes for the past 3 weeks, she is driving me crazy, but then again so are a lot of things. 

Once again here’s to the week ahead may it be a good one for all of us.  Thanks for stopping by.  How you doin’?

How You Doin?

Thanks for stopping by for another glimpse into my world. 

The week was not as productive as I was hoping it would be.  I made yet another discovery about my fraud of a co-worker and how he is failing to do his job, I found plenty of examples and shared them all with the boss.  I also started a spreadsheet to document every incident, it’s extra work but well worth it.  In the end that could be of help to me.  Of course I am a little paranoid that because I am complaining they are going to let me go instead of him.  I do the job of at least 2 people and only collect 1 paycheck.  It’s not a complaint but rather a fact.  I like my job but having to baby sit is wearing on my last nerve.

On the way home Friday night I decided to treat myself to Wendy’s.  It was really good and I didn’t get a Frosty.  I’ve got plenty of sweets at home to consume.  Thursday nights dinner was pie and water.  I had to pay bills and had an urgent on-call issue to deal with.  After feeding and cleaning up after the kids, putting out the trash and dealing with everything there was no time for supper.  It was way close to bed time.  I wasn’t hungry but decided a little sugar couldn’t hurt.  Besides that the pie will go bad if I leave it for too long and stale pie is horrible.

Speaking of pie, I went for pizza tonight.  Saw the cute boy and he waited on me.  Problem was that my pizza was only half baked, the bottom crust was still slightly raw.  I ate a little bit opted for a box and figured I would finish their job for them at home with my own oven.  Yeah I should have sent it back but I didn’t.  I was in and out in a flash, even back home way sooner than I realized.  Day dreaming and driving are great until you almost miss your exit. 

I spent the bulk of Saturday in bed, sleeping.  I have found a new series on NetFlix called Schitts Creek and it’s damn funny.  I don’t know how I managed to almost miss this but it’s got me hook line an sinker.  Plenty of cute guys, not a lot of sex but it’s funny. 

Stumbled across some music by Nick Jonas.  Wow where have I been.  He’s a really good artist and he’s got a nice body to go with his amazing voice.  Levels is the first song, it sounded strange at first but I love the beat.  The other song is Getting under you.  It’s really good in my opinion. 

The kids are all doing okay.  I got a call about Marv’s follow up blood work but until my $ situation settles a bit there will be no blood work.  Besides that it’s not actually been a full month that he has been on the medicine, we still have a couple weeks to go.  His diarrhea / loose stool is still going on.  I felt so bad for him I skipped 1 pill and things changed a little.  He still longs for my attention and I spend as much time with him as possible.  I have this on-going debate in my mind if it’s time to part ways or if we should keep going on.  I think but don’t know for certain that he is in some pain.  I can tell you for sure that he is feeling discomfort, going to the bathroom as often isn’t fun for him.  It’s not fun for me because I have to clean it up and he is going through more pee pads than his brother.  He still wants to play and he still messes with his brother and sometimes his sisters.  I don’t want to break up the happy family but at the same time I don’t want any of them to be in pain or suffer, not even for a second.  It’s my job to take care of them and not bragging but I think I do a stellar job, all things considered.  Just think of all of the money I have poured in to them over the years, it’s a poor choice if your looking for an investment but the love and good times we have, well those you can’t put a price tag on.  I still miss #1 son, Taz and Blu.  Unless it’s obvious that there is something terminal going on, it feels so wrong for me to play God.  So I think Marv is safe for now.  I still can’t get over the feeling that I am going to lose him.  We did have a great time today as I watched TV and sat on the floor of my room to keep him company while he licked my arm like a spare rib and fell asleep.  We even cuddled in bed for a few minutes.  They all know that I love them and I know they love me and depend upon me so very much.  With out them I would fail and with out me they would fail – so were tailor made for each other.  There was a reason why 13 years ago I picked up their pregnant mother and took her in, little did I know I was saving so many lives, my own included. 

Looking forward to breakfast not sure where I am going to go.  I have a thought of facing my fear and going back to the place where I accidentally asked a 16 y/o guy on a date.  It will be awkward to walk in and I don’t know if I am ready yet.  I imagine that everything will be okay but if he’s told a bunch of his co-workers it could be uncomfortable to me.  Not to mention what may be done to my food.  So I’ll probably stick with my standby of Steak N Shake where I am well known and it feels good to walk in. 

I think I am going to do some Amazon shopping.  I really want that tire monitor and possibly a couple other things.  My next check will for sure have overtime on it and while I am still scraping by, I am okay.  I just hope that when tax season gets here that I get a windfall of a return and I can sock it to some debt to give me some additional breathing room.  Now that will feel really good.  Until then I think very hard before I spend so much as a penny.

The boss will be back next week and it will be him, me and stupid as our other co-worker has taken the week off.  Holy fuck I hope things go well and it’s a calm week.  I already know it won’t be quiet but calm is what I look forward to.  Busy well that is a given.  Ever since earlier this year when my well seasoned co-worker quit I have very little free time and I work for 8 to 10 hours if not longer each day.  It’s wearing me out but I love the money, plus it helps to like what you do.  I am a problem solver, baby sitter and mess cleaner upper.  Now if I could just do all of those things in my personal life well I’d probably be on a date right now and not typing on a blog. 

I do miss the electronic dating scene and really want the apps back.  It’s more of a craving than anything.  Regardless of how it happens I wish with all of my heart that I would meet my next guy.  I wish I could see into the future for that alone but ah well I guess I will just have to wait and stay tuned like the rest of you.  Life is a soap opera and you have no idea what the writers will pencil in next!

Here’s to the week ahead, may it be all that we want it to and more.  So tell me, how you doin?

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