Rest In Peace

I had so much planned for today, I got woke up early by Gator and fed the kids.  I finished up Schitt’s Creek and then laid down with Marv & Gator.  We just got comfy and the phone rang.  Something told me to answer it, so I followed my instinct.  I saw it was my brother calling and knew that it probably wasn’t good news. 

I answered and it was his girlfriend, she was yammering on and told me to get to the hospital that was close to their place.  I was stark naked when she called [sorry if that gave you a visual] and threw on some clothes fast, took my pills and dashed out the door. 

I had to put the address into my Navigation system because I didn’t quite know exactly where I was going.  Me and my new wheels jetted that way and my top speed was 115mph.  I was flying and just couldn’t get there fast enough.

I parked and walked in a feverish pace to the door marked Emergency Room.  As I entered a short lady asked me if I was Jeremy and I responded, she said I’ll take you back to be with your family. 

We walked what seemed to be a never ending hallway and finally got to this large room where the curtain was closed.  As I entered the room I was trying to psych myself up for what I was going to see, I knew it would be a dead body.

As the curtain opened and I entered the room my mom was laying on a stretcher and my brother was sobbing his eyes out as his girlfriend tried to comfort him.  Our mom had passed away from a massive heart attack.  I was numb, a little sad but overall numb.  I am still processing things in my mind. 

I spoke with a nurse and expressed my concerns that there could have been foul play involved.  He spoke with the coroner who said that it sounded like natural causes and released the body to the funeral home.  If I wanted an autopsy it would come out of my pocket and it wouldn’t be cheap.  I decided to just let my suspicions go to the grave with my mom.  It just isn’t worth it. 

What the girlfriend told me was they picked her up last night and she expressed concerns over shortness of breath.  She often did this and they just shrugged it off.  Mom went to spend the weekend with my brother.  This morning they were eating breakfast and she expressed the same concern again.  They again shrugged it off as the boy crying wolf.  The girlfriend noticed that mom was turning blue and they suggested that she lie down, she did and that’s when the lights went out.  The girlfriend started CPR and they called 9-1-1.  Am ambulance arrived quickly and got her to the hospital quickly.  They gave her 7 rounds of epi and tried to bring her back, despite the fact that she didn’t want to be resuscitated.  There efforts failed to revive her. 

My relationship with my family has been distant since the event that occurred a couple years ago.  It’s when something like this happens that you wish you would have done things differently.  I had an inkling that I should go see my mom a few weeks ago but I dismissed it.  Now I know why I had the feeling and had I saw her it might have made today a little easier.  What affected me the most was seeing my brother cry.  I can’t stand to see him in pain or suffering, despite everything we have been through.  It just tears me up.  He is distant with me and I get that.  The events of today brought true what our grandparents used to preach to us … someday it will be just you 2 and you should get along because one day each of you will only have the other.  Profound words that echoed loudly in my mind. 

We know that mom made arrangements in advance many years ago.  We know that she wants cremation.  We don’t know if she paid for it and if she wanted a service or not.  I’m waiting to hear the details and don’t know if or when they will come.  I am entitled to 3 days of leave at work and have already called my boss.  I don’t know that I will be taking time away.  I told my brother to let me know if he needs anything and what the arrangements are. 

I could but in but I figure that he took the lead a long time ago with being financially responsible for her and this is the final task that he should preform.  If he wants me involved I am happy to be there but if not, that’s okay too. 

I am still numb to it all but the emotions have been going through my mind and I suspect they will for the days to come.  I have many memories both good and bad to reflect on.  I pray that my mom is at peace.  She no longer has to battle the demons that ruled her life for so many years. 

She was only 64 [what is oddly eerie about this is that I am 46] and her birthday would have been on the 29th.  I had just prepared a birthday card for her last night and written a note to her.  Now I wished that I would have called.  I take comfort in the fact that she didn’t die alone, she was with my brother and that beats dying in a nursing home alone. 

I really wish that things would have played out differently here as I write this the more the emotions are getting to me.  I know I will be okay but I have to get to a breaking point and cry, let it all out and then well that’s when the healing will start. 

Even though I was estranged from her, I still sent cards and letters to her.  Not as frequently as I would have liked but I did.  I remember the times in years past when I would just show up out of the blue and we would go to lunch, that would make her day.  It made me feel good that I was making her feel good.  The look of joy on her face was comforting.  When it was time for me to leave it was always a struggle for her because she didn’t like saying goodbye or parting ways.  It was never an issue until her mental illness started to get more aggressive. 

Death is the ultimate consequence that we all must suffer eventually.  Seeing others go before you doesn’t make it easier but it’s a journey that we each get closer to traveling each and every day.

Mom, may you rest in peace.  I will always regret my decision to not have you in my life a little more.