13 September 2016

Lonely is the night

Hi everyone, Monday night went by fast.  Had a Chicken Pot Pie for supper, cooked a little bit longer than I liked and the crust was hardened.  I love breaking the crust and hearing the sizzle, it’s one of my favorite sounds.  Fed the little furry creatures.  No visitors that I saw, which is a good thing.  Got Bears food, so he’s well stocking for a while.  I kept going back and forth in my mind and decided to reach out to my mom, just to see what she had to say.  I made one attempt to reach her and the phone just rang and rang.  I finally gave up.  I interpreted that to be the universes way of affirming my decision to cut ties.  Now it may just be that she was away from the phone and my call was ill timed.  That’s why they call it a telephone and not a see you phone.  I made my move, likely she has caller id and knows she missed a call.  If not well too bad.  I may make another attempt to reach her but right now I have no plans to do so.  I think the further I away I am, the better off I am, despite the fact that it feels awkward/odd. 

I started off the evening in bed with Marvin.  He was giving me my bath and ready to get into sleep mode.  I love that cat, he’s like a real life teddy bear in bed.  It’s obvious he loves me and he knows I love him.  It’s just a great bond we have.  Anyway, just as I was starting to dose off his ass decides he wants out.  Fine, up I went and out he went.  Then back to bed.  I hate that because it messes up my sleep cycle.  Once I am ready to go, let me go and be done with it.  Wake me only if you must and chances are really high that when I do wake up after being disturbed that I will be a crab ass.  My late partner learned that the hard way.  I apologized many times but he eventually knew not to wake me regardless of when it was, unless it was a dire emergency.  Kind of miss that. 

I had a sex dream just before waking up this morning.  It was pretty good.  I was going at it with a guy from work that I have a mad crush on.  I really want him bad, despite the fact he is married and the fact that we had a falling out.  I really wanted to call him up and say how about you meet me for no strings attached sex.  Ah the thought of that just turns me on.  I know it’s not what I want but right now I am lonely and to be frank missing and craving some dick.  It’s not like I can go to a drive through and order a large dick if I could life would be so much better.  I miss the physical side of things.  Porn and self pleasure only get you so far.  I’ve made it for years now, you’d think I would get used to it but doesn’t happen that way.  I miss the emotional side of things as well like coming home to a hot meal, hearing about the latest chatter and being able to hug, touch, smell and see another person.  It all boils down to loneliness.  Plus it’s nice to have someone who has a vested interest in you to tell your troubles too.  I am highly interested in how my late partner would react to some of the issues in my life now.  Of course if he were around some of these would be non issues.  I can’t tell you how hard it was to write this little blurb. 

Last night I got a notification from Tindr that I had a match.  It was a very cute, much younger (but legal) guy.  Sure I wanted to have my way with him, meaning he is sexually attractive to me.  However, given the gap in our ages it’s probably not going to work, I am out of touch with the younger generation and he likely views me as an old man.  I am telling you once you hit 30 in the gay community, your considered to be a geezer even though you are still very much young.  As I am sailing towards 50 I do kind of view myself as old.  Anyway back on point, while we matched neither of us has made a move to reach out to the other.  Unless he makes a move I am sitting still.  I heard the other day that you rarely find love when you go looking for it.  Sit back, relax and let love find you.  Yeah that sounds like bad advice.  If your looking for something your not going to find it unless you look for it.  Be it a job, your lost keys, love or food.  Nothing just falls in your lap or so has been my experience.  So I am hard pressed to just sit back and wait for love to come into my life.  I mean I want it to happen and soon, regardless of how I find it.  I am ready for a boyfriend and to see where things to from there.  I don’t want to go 100mph right out of the gate, steady at 10mph and then with time build from there if it’s appropriate.  I also want to avoid heartbreak but that seems to happen when your looking for love, like it’s a side effect of the process.  That really sucks. 

So for all of my whining and being depressed, I feel that I am pretty blessed.  I just lack the appreciation for all that I have and take it for granted.  This is one of those times where I would love to set sail with an unknown destination and just go & not look back.  However, that is not practical for so many reasons.  What a shame.  I would love a nice adventure and seeing some eye candy in person wouldn’t hurt either. 

Hope that your having a great day.  Back to the grind. 

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