Sinking Feeling

I decided to play with a new product we got in the office.  It’s a super expensive service that Law Firms typically subscribe to.  You can pretty much find out anything about anyone, of course you have to have a reason to go looking.  Legally you can’t snoop on people.

I ran a background report on myself and my partner.  I was surprised that my cell phone number popped up.  It shows me as living in the house and reports that he is dead.  I looked for marriage licenses but our state isn’t listed.  I checked out the property and it’s showing up as in the trust.  What gave me a sinking feeling is that it lists his next of kin and his address.  I think that the union and/or their law firm has already ran the same report and are trying to make contact with the son, despite them telling me that I had 90 days to appeal.  Once they pay the money I don’t have a claim.  However, I think that if they pay it within the 90 day window I could potentially sue them.  I am letting the situation play out because I really have no other choice.  I want my lawyer to write his letter and see what kind of response we receive, if any.  Maybe a check will just show up, but I really think that this is money I will not get.  Fighting for it is an exercise in futility.

The good news is that his tax refund showed up in last nights mail.  I got it deposited in the bank this morning.  Got to get up early tomorrow so I can make the final mortgage payment to this lender.  Then in a few days I get to start all over with the new lender that the mortgage was sold to.  Holy crap!

There still are some small refunds that I am waiting on from the phone company and AAA.  After that I am not expecting any money to show up in his name.  However, I still don’t think I am telling the bank anything just yet.  Keep them at bay and in the dark until they absolutely need to know.  I just like having his name on the account, even though he is gone. 

Last night was not a whole lot of fun.  I got to make my dinner, had some storms and then a tree fell on a power line and we had no power until 1am.  I broke out my iPad and watched stuff on NetFlix.  My wifi is on battery backup so it lasted for a while.  When it went out, I enabled a hot spot on my work phone and used that to continue to watch Netflix.  I felt guilty for using their data so I kept it to a minimum.  I had to reset clocks this morning.  I left early so I could make it to the bank.  I had every intention of starting early so I could leave early.  Not so sure about the leaving early part.  Kind of depends upon who sticks around and if the boss man is on-line.  I don’t think he will be so I should be able to duck out early or so I hope. 

I have to stop for fuzzy food.  Not exactly sure what I am going to eat.  Kind of depends upon how the rest of the day goes and what fresh hell awaits me in the mail.

I did get a call this morning from his doctors office they want a copy of the death certificate.  I sent two copies to them already.  Hopefully this will be the end of it.  Sounds like they are going to write off his debt.  If I can just get rid of all of the medical bills it will be a huge help.

Get the house in my name and stop this legal battle with the Death Benefit and then maybe I can finally get through the grieving process and manage to move on.  There is always something to do, a letter to write or research to do I am just so sick of all of it.  It’s bad enough that I lost him but all of this extra BS hanging over my head is just aggravation I really don’t need. 

A week away from everything and everyone sounds nice and very appealing.  Regardless if I could get it off, I would still have to carry my work phone.  I just need time away from it all, so I can veg out and relax.  Relaxing is something that I don’t do well.  Give me my jumper a nice bed and some sleeping medicine.  That will make it all better.  I so look forward to bedtime. 

Work today is quiet but I have the boring task of creating all of the user accounts.  I have a hard time concentrating and doing things that I don’t like, but I know I have to get through it.  I have plenty of equipment to configure but I can’t touch any of it until this silly little task is out of the way.  I am just setting my priorities instead of asking my boss, it’s called common sense.  I will start on the configuration next week for sure.

The memorial dinner is this weekend, I will be happier once I am there.  I am nervous and feel like I will cry more than laugh.  I really don’t want to cry but I am a very emotional person and if it happens I won’t be ashamed of it, but it’s not exactly the most attractive things to see in public. 

Okay I am twisting my arm and going to get back to work.  Just 4 or so more hours and the day is done. Then we get that 2 day short break.  Then it’s back for 5 long days.  Holidays are great but they are a tease, I think we should have more of them.  More time to ourselves and less time working.  I think everyone focuses too much energy on work.  In fact I have friends that worry I will emerse myself in my job and become a workaholic.  If I really loved everything about my job it probably would happen.  However, right now I am still the same clock watcher that I have always been.  When it’s time to go, it’s time to go. 

Enjoy your weekend, talk with you peeps later.

One more day

I have a bunch of hardware to configure but I can’t do anything with it because other projects keep rolling in.  Right now a security project came my way so I have been creating logins for people, it’s time consuming and boring.  Times like these I wish I had a helper.  I could delegate the crap work to them.  It will be a couple days before I am done because I have to do the entire company and we have a ton of people here.  They come and go so fast as soon as I get access in place I have to turn it off.

I called about the auto discount on new cars and was told that they would be willing to help me as a one time gesture of kindness but after that I would be on my own.  Something is NOT right here.  I can keep health insurance but I don’t qualify for discounts on a new car?  WTF?  So I will be writing a letter and sending it to Executive Management perhaps they will be able to help me.  If not when it’s time for a new car I may switch brands.  Right now I am in no position to buy a new car, despite the fact that I would like to trade both in on something new.  It’s not good timing.  If I took their offer I would have 12 months before it would expire but it’s use it or loose it.  If I was of a different sex this wouldn’t even be a problem.  Either they will cave and give it to me or it’s just something I will let die.  No sense in driving myself nutz.

No further word on the Death Benefit.  I did get a note yesterday from a UAW attorney and was a little confused by it because she is working on the case but they also referred me to outside counsel.  Clearly the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.  I didn’t say a word because if outside counsel isn’t able to persuade them then I have another attorney in my pocket, perhaps.  I would very much like to litigate this matter it’s just my pockets aren’t deep and I am unclear if I would have to go to DC or if we could have a local trial. 

Jumper has been coughing on occasion, I am a little concerned.  I broke out the stethoscope to listen and all the little bastard did was purr.  I couldn’t get him to stop.  Cats put up a brave front and are the masters of disguise, they can be seriously ill and you might not realize it for a couple days.  He is eating, drinking, using the bathroom and sleeping okay.  So I am just perplexed if I should take him in or wait it out. 

Still thinking this whole mess is a dream and I am waiting to wake up.  I know it’s not a dream but sometimes it’s difficult to accept and deal with reality.  I think if I didn’t have to battle with people because I am gay and we were in a Civil Union this process would go by quicker and I would feel much better.  However, every time I turn around there seems to be something else to deal with.

I approach the mailbox with the Dr. Sheldon Cooper,Phd. quote…I wonder what fresh hell awaits me.  Each day there seems to be something.  Thankfully, last night all I got was an insurance bill for the truck.  $140 to add it to my policy from now until September.  Then my rate goes from $300 to $450.  Not too bad, it’s far cheaper because he had an accident.

I want to go home, just sleep and be left alone to do whatever I feel like doing.  That is kind of what Friday night will be all about.  I just need me time to veg out.  That doesn’t seem to exist right now.  I am busier now that he is gone than I was when he was alive!  Plus always trying to figure out what to eat is a pain in the tucas.  Not sure what is in store for tonight.  I really want a BBQ Burger but it won’t be something I make. 

Off to lunch and then back to my access nightmare.  Hope all is well in your world.  Talk with you peeps later. 

Don’t get the mail

Golly gee my day was just okay, that is until I got the mail.  I received a letter from a Law Firm (like that is suppose to scare me) that represents the union.  I was informed that they plan on paying the Death Benefit to his child.  That is all well and good but they told me I could appeal their decision. 

This morning I spoke with an attorney who told me that he would be happy to write the letter of appeal but he wouldn’t do much more than that with the case.  He told me that chances are I would loose because the union has much deeper pockets than I do. 

Very true most anyone has more money than me, especially a company.  However, that won’t stop me from telling the truth to my friends, the local media, etc.  I won’t slander or defame them but I will tell the truth.  They probably will have wished they just paid me and made me go away.

I am sending a copy of the documents I received to my attorney.  I think he may change his mind and choose not to write the letter. However, I told him that I would still like to move forward, a letter from an attorney on my end will show them that I am serious and maybe they will crumble.  Who knows.

Personally I don’t think I will win this one.  If I had endless sums of money and was willing to fight to the death, maybe.  However, the most I can probably hope for is to shame them, if I decide to involve the media.

I am furious and sad all at the same time!

On a work note, looks like a 2nd project has hatched.  I had to price out more hardware today and looks like we will be ordering it.  That is going to occupy some serious time for me.  Right now I am drowning in hardware.  My office is a sea of boxes.  I guess the upside to all of this is that I will be so busy time will just fly by or so I hope.

Well the evening is about shot, so I am going to try to calm myself down.  Be well and I will talk with you peeps later.

P A R T Y

Friday… Went out to lunch w/ an old co-worker.  Got off work early.  Grabbed the mail, got a hair cut, went home ate my lunch.  Then dashed off to the movies to see Mr. Paul Walker in Fast & Furious 6.  Totally awesome movie!  Came home stayed up way too late.  Wrote a letter to the attorney who is supposed to help me handle the appeal, gave him enough money for 1 hour worth of work, to show good faith.  Enclosed all of the documentation he could possibly need and told him that I didn’t see the need for a face to face but am not apposed to it if it was something he required.  It was early Saturday morning when I retired.

Saturday… Kind of a busy day.  Low on energy and ready for relaxation.  I think I napped a bit and watched some TV with the kids.  I went out for a massage in the morning, that turned out to be a bust.  They started late then tried to rope me in to a package that cost $54 per month.  I declined and paid my money.  Talked with a friend that was supposed to come over to help me and moved that to Sunday.  I got the slide show ready for next Saturday, I cried watching it, but it looks really good.  Fuck I miss him something crazy!  Later on Saturday I met with some friends for supper at Maggianos.  I of course hadn’t been there since Thanksgiving.  Felt strange but familiar.  We sat in a booth where me and my guy sat a few years back when it was just the two of us for Thanksgiving, that was really strange.  I kind of wished we would have went to a different table but we have been there a lot so seating me to a place that we never sat before would have been a slight challenge for them.  Enjoyed some amazing food.  I really delighted my friends by suggesting that place.  They drank way too much wine and we all ate way too much food.  Plus I had stuff to take home, which was nice!  Stopped for gas, then came home.  Took care of the children and called it a night.  Stayed up and watched Varsity Blues.  I caught part of it on cable and what can I say I have a think for James Vander Beek.  Then I found some other movie he was in Rules of Attraction.  That was just weird.  Passed out eventually and went to sleep.

Sunday… Went to Cracker Barrel for Breakfast.  Saw the cute hostess guy.  Had some okay food, paid way too much for it and left.  Then headed to pick up my friend.  We made a day of it.  Talked a little bit, then we came back here.  He started doing what I did when we tried to determine what we had to get rid of.  He was picking shit up and handing it to me or setting it in a new place.  Basically we made a bigger mess out of what is a huge mess already.  Found some good stuff.  I am going to try to get some of it ready to sell at the flea market event here in a couple weeks.  I don’t have much time, so I will have to be quick to research and determine how much money I want.  What doesn’t sell, well I have a good camera now so I think I will try my hand at eBay.  If it works out, great and if not his club will be having an Auction that I can try for later in the year.  I don’t have to move everything at once, but the quicker I can part with some of this stuff, the quicker I can not only make money but have more room in his office and try to get it to a decent clean state.  We left here about 1 and went to Mexican Country.  I was hungry and for the first time in my life I ate authentic Mexican Food.  It’s good but damn, it’s hot.  The place didn’t have ice cream so my mouth was on fire, but eventually that passed.  I drank about a 2 liter of Diet Pepsi.  Dropped my friend off at his place, sat and talked.  Then mustered up the energy to head to Sam’s club.  I found quite a deal on Litter what usually costs me $16 I got for $13, so I will be going back for more.  Got several things that I needed and dropped $175, then filled up the tank and dropped another $30.  Headed for home and I didn’t buy any food items.  Damn!  Hung around the house for the remainder of the day, relaxed and was lazy.  Continued watching that movie with James Vander Beek.  Eventually passed out for the night.

Monday… The first Monday that hasn’t sucked in a long time!  I had some strange dreams and slept in a bit.  Fed the children and headed to breakfast.  Against my will I went to IHOP had some good food.  Left there headed to the grocery store.  Spent $77 didn’t get a whole lot, but have enough to make it for the week.  Came home, unloaded and put away everything.  Then started my mega cleaning spree.  Mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors.  Cleaned my bathroom, looks really nice.  Hasn’t looked that good since the day we moved in.  Took out the trash.  Vacuumed most placed.  Couldn’t do my room because the kids were hiding in there.  Got the rest of the house.  Figured out that Blu peed on the now empty coffee table.  Cleaned that up and told him once again that I wanted to kill him, but that I wouldn’t.  Watched The Paperboy with Zac Effron in it.  Hot scenes of him walking and dancing in his underwear.  That kid is so hot!  I had every intention of taking a nap but Zac kept me interested and awake.  Did dishes and lots of laundry.  All my stuff.  It’s still going but I am finally winding down, thank God.  I had left overs from Maggiano’s along with some 6 Cheese Garlic Bread I picked up at the store.  I also had left over desert and it was all good.  Yes I skipped a meal in there but it won’t kill me.

I’ve managed to get through balancing bank accounts and every penny has been accounted for.  Thus far I have spent $2,000 of the life insurance money.  That was just to get me out of credit card debt.  So all in all things don’t look terrible but they could always be better. 

It’s been a couple days since I have done any self pleasuring and I am really turned on.  I shaved part of my chest which helped spice me up.  Plus shaved my face.  I now look presentable to go back to work, crap. 

Just fed the children there evening snack.  They will cajole more food out of me before the night is over with.  It’s humid in here.  I turned the AC up because it was in psyco mode again and I am starting to sweat.  Once I go upstairs in a couple hours, I will kick it back down to get some cooling going on.  Plus all of the lights will be off, which will help.  The sad part is that it will be closer to going back to work.  I could live on a holiday for quite sometime with no complaints.  The world just seems okay right now.

I still have my moments and getting rid of his stuff won’t be easy.  Plus attending this dinner/memorial service/life celebration thing won’t be easy.  I do hope I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I want a hug from him, I want to be able to lean on him and just have time alone away from the world with him.  Most of all I want him to be well again.  However, sadly none of those things will happen.  I have determined that I am not ready to move on yet, but having a sex partner would probably help me out some.  Also having a therapist probably isn’t a bad idea.  I am not looking for either right now. 

This has been a very productive weekend and I accomplished what I wanted to, plus a little more.  I spent way too much money but it’s not like I can hold on to $ for ever. 

On the work front, all of the hardware that I ordered last week should arrive tomorrow.  I will be one busy guy.  I played with one of the tablets on Friday.  Windows 8 isn’t that bad but you have to know what your doing.  Doesn’t mean I still didn’t want to smash it with a hammer but the more I know and work with it, the more I am getting used to it.  Figuring out all of the quirks and how to personalize the machine enough to make it meet corporate demands and preventing anyone from turning it into a work/personal tablet will be quite the challenge.  However, I am hoping that some software I bought will be able to help me with that task.  Getting everything deployed will be a little bit of a challenge as well.  However, I will manage somehow.  I can’t say that it will all come together this week but I hope I am on my way before the end of the week.  I shouldn’t have to travel, it’s just getting everything ready and then ship them.  If there are problems they can call me.  Otherwise, it’s just power it up and go.  I also know that I have 3 sites that need wireless, that will be more money and time out of the office, but they are all local.  There is the possibility that the one place that is about 90 miles away will require a night or two to stay in town.  I don’t plan on driving 90 miles each way for 3 or 5 days in a row.  If I am lucky and can get it all done in two days I should be in good shape, otherwise I will have to ask a friend for help with the cats.  That is something that I am also trying to avoid.

Need to get this published, make some changes on the blog template and of course publish my backlog of comments.  Then it’s on to other fun things before I call it a night.  I’d like to relax for about an hour or two if possible before calling it a night but we shall see.  Too bad there aren’t more 3 days weekends around the corner. 

The next holiday for us is Independence Day otherwise known as the 4th of July.  Not that far off.

Oh I almost forgot, the guy I asked on a date.  He got back to me again and said to look him up next month.  See what I was trying to do is make him the one that pursued me instead of the other way around.  Based on the words and that feeling, I think this is one of those friendships that will just not happen.  Unless he looks me up.  The vibe I am getting says leave me alone, so that is what I am going to do.

Talk with you peeps later.  Don’t do anything that you can’t talk your way out of!

1 more day, really

I called the Bank today.  They told me to call back in 14 days.  Then I got a couple calls this afternoon from them.  I sware they must delight in confusing people.  Last night I found out that the mortgage has been sold to another bank.

Here’s the bottom line, I have to call the new bank on or after 6/3 to see what they require.  It sounds like I have to qualify for an assumption, then they can modify the loan to decrease the payments.  However, no one has told me what happens if I don’t qualify.  The assumption process I am told is much more relaxed than qualifying for a mortgage on your own.  However, the end result is what you wind up with, a mortgage of your very own.  My salary should show them that I can make the present monthly payment but that I am left with a deficit when you add in other expenses.  So that said I am still just a tad nervous and I am more than confused.

I have not heard from the attorney that I called yesterday and I haven’t been able to reach his office, all I get is voice mail.  So I will try again tomorrow, but my suspicion is that his office took an early holiday weekend. 

I called the new massage place in town.  I was going to ask about how much it cost for a massage and facial for a 1st time customer.  They always give discounts to lure you in, then once your in they try to get you to buy a membership or they disclose what their future prices are.  Anyway I called and was asked if I could hold briefly.  I did so for 10 minutes and then hung up.  I haven’t called back.  I may try again tomorrow.

This weekend is busy.  I’ve got a date with Paul Walker, yup I’m going to see Fast & Furious 6.  I think tomorrow night but I am not positive.  It might wait until Saturday.  Then Saturday I have to pickup my friend who is going to help me with pricing some of my guys stuff so we can get it sold.  Nothing in store for Sunday or Monday as of yet.  I know I need a hair cut and that it’s good to go on Saturday morning when they first open, otherwise your stuck in a waiting line.  I have high expectations for myself this weekend in the way of progress with cleaning and figuring things out.  I hope that I don’t sleep the whole weekend away.

I was a little emotional this morning, just kind of hit me out of the blue like a hot flash.  Wow, this death stuff is really heavy.  It messes with most every aspect of your life from your mind to your sleep and everything else in between.

Supper last night was ready made BBQ Pulled Pork, it was awful.  I got a call from a friend which kind of took my mind off it.  Tonight I think it will be Chicken Pot Pie. 

Work bought lunch today, we had pizza.  It was okay but nothing to write home about.  I got a call from an old co-worker who wanted to lunch tomorrow but I had already asked someone else.  The other person can only 1/2 way commit.  I bet they flake out on me.  But I hope not.  I made arrangements with my old co-worker to get together next week, but I may call her if things fall apart tomorrow.  Funny thing is I was just thinking about her. 

I told her about my guy and she said who is that.  I explained and wow she was really caught off guard.  I thought the rumor mill would have exploded after I left and that the whole company would have known I am gay.  I guess not.  She didn’t act any different but I will see if it affects our friendship.  I don’t think it will but people are fickle.

Boss man is back in the office, I guess there must have been airplane trouble.  I hope he is able to get a flight out tonight or early tomorrow.  It feels weird having him here and it being Thursday.  I did a double take when he came back to the office.  Usually once he is gone you don’t see him until the next week. 

I ordered a bunch of hardware yesterday.  It will start to trickle in on Tuesday and hopefully by the end of next week I will have everything.  It’s 100 machines.  I have to touch each one, so you can bet I will be busy.  Right now is another calm before the storm.  I like the calm but hate the storm.

I have managed to finally dig out of my backlog.  I have one machine to ship out tomorrow and another one to build then the backlog is squashed.

Right now I am having a real serious problem waking up.  I mean I wake up but then I am so tired by the time I get to work I am ready to go back to bed.  I think his sleeping medicine is finally catching up to me.  I know I put my body through a lot and I have been through a lot in the past month.  However, I would have thought that I would have recovered by now.  I suppose not.

That is all I know at the moment.  Soon it will be off to the post office to see what fresh hell is waiting for me.  Hopefully, nothing bad.  I can deal with junk mail.  Talk with you peeps later. 

Can we talk?

A famous line from Joan Rivers.  Yeah, I’m that old. 

So I talked with the boss today about something and just came out with my concerns.  He addressed them positively and told me I was doing a good job.  While it was comforting I still feel like my days are numbered.  It did cheer me up though, so I am just riding the wave for what it’s worth.

I called the attorneys office that is supposed to be helping me with my appeal.  They were supposed to call me back today but I didn’t expect that would happen.  Hopefully, they call tomorrow.  I just need a letter written that sounds intimidating and gets me the money I am entitled to.

I also found out that our Civil Union does obligate me to pay my guys medical bills.  However, the state in which he passed away they do not recognize Civil Unions so his Death Certificate says Divorced.  I am running with that and unless someone thinks to check, he was divorced so good luck collecting from a dead guy.  My biggest concern is the ambulance bills that he had, there were like 3 or 4 of them and he was making payments.  I fully anticipate to have to pay them.  Otherwise, I THINK most of his other medical bills will go away simply by me sending a death certificate.

All of this stress, my neck is killing me.  I found a new massage place in town.  I am considering giving them a call, not that I can afford it but I require pampering and probably always will.  Note to any potential future boyfriends.

Well time to head home to the muffins and whip up a TV Dinner.  Yee haw, I am so excited.  Talk with you peeps later.

Threatened

Yesterday was NOT a good day.  It started off okay but it didn’t end well.  We had a meeting with a vendor about e-mail.  Our company attorney asked me to look into a program that would preserve email so that in the event we are sued it would be easy to look through multiple mailboxes for something known as e-Discovery. 

e-Discovery is basically discovery but the e stands for Electronic.  It’s what attorneys call it when a suit is filed and they are looking for “evidence”.  That is just my take on it from what little I know.  I do know for sure that courts impose penalties if you tamper with, destroy or withhold evidence.  Those penalties' are substantial and insurance does not cover them.  So basically if you are in a business where e-Discovery is a possibility the better prepared you are the better the outcome will be.

In any event I didn’t tell my boss about it prior to the meeting nor did I see a need to, because first of all it was the company attorney and second of all the office manager was aware of it.  Well, that didn’t stop him from lashing out at me.  He told me that if there are any more secrets and he is surprised by them and it’s my fault I would be fired.

That pretty much fucked up yesterday.  I was all red faced for the entire afternoon because I was upset.  I had a plan to deal with it but the one person I wanted to talk to left town. 

So I did nothing and went home.  I got a lousy nights sleep because of it and I wasn’t thrilled to come here this morning, never mind that traffic was a total biotch and I got here with like 2 minutes to spare. 

I talked with a friend on the way to work and was told that my personal life is spilling over into my job.  I have to separate the two.  Plus it’s time to dust off my resume and get a new job. 

I agree with the new job, I mean I’ve kind of seen something like this coming.  I’ve never felt totally secure here, except while I was out when my guy was dying.  Outside of that it’s pretty much like walking on eggshells the entire time.  Living in fear.  Well if he is/was going to fire me I wish he would have done it last year, so that hopefully by now I’d have a new job.  In any case I am still very thankful to have this job, because it’s a means to an end.  I can’t afford not to have a job right now.  The bills alone would swallow me a alive.

Think about it though I am working – I just lost the love of my life, I have legal & financial battles going on, none of which I have shared at work.  Clearly I am full of stress and my thinking is clouded by the events of last month.  It will be sometime before my thinking ever returns to normal.  You would think that he would have some compassion and understanding but obviously that isn’t the case. 

I need more money but I don’t exactly think now is the right time to ask for that pay raise.  However, fact is I am worth so much more than I am being paid and I am due a raise.  I’ve done nothing but what I have been asked to do.  We have had some minor bumps in the road but overall they have to be happy with me or I wouldn’t still be here. 

I’ve got an idea on how to proceed but will be bouncing it off of another friend or two before I implement it.  It’s just a conversation that I want to have, but it’s who I am speaking with that is the issue.

Okay, so the good news is that Pharmacy Refund that I have been waiting on finally came through last night.  It’s only $216 but it’s his money and I wanted it all back. Now if the state would just hurry up and process his tax return so I could get that money back, the only thing on the table is the death benefit.

Speaking of the death benefit, his employers legal services plan will take care of helping me with the appeal.  I followed up today and have already spoken with an attorney.  I emailed her all of the documents that she could have possibly wanted or needed and more.  She only works on Monday and Tuesday’s so it will be a little bit before she composes something.  I hope that she shares it with me before she files it.  I am also still waiting to hear from a charity gay legal organization.  The more attorneys I have in my corner the better, or at least that is how I see it. 

Today I feel paralyzed and afraid to make any move at work without getting permission first.  It feels like I am in 1st grade.  However, I have a good idea on what to do and what to ask about.  Even if it seems obvious I still ask, better safe than sorry. 

The job market sucks, but I will be looking.  Because I am sure it’s just a matter of time before the bottom falls out here.  I am the only guy left in the entire office.  Talk about the thinning of the heard.  I never thought I would be the only guy.  Plus I never thought I would last this long. 

I called Jumpers medicine in and the vet called me this morning and said until he is seen they won’t refill the medicine.  It’s been over a year.  Yeah, so just refill the damn medicine.  They want the $ for the office visit.  So I guess he will exist off of the old stuff for a while longer.  I don’t want to take anyone to the vet unless it’s absolutely necessary.  I am trying to save my money not spend it all at once. 

Speaking of which I called the phone company and they are taking a whopping $8 off of my monthly bill for a year.  It’s not much but better than nothing.  My cell bill is only $20 cheaper than when my guy was alive.  Telephone expenses are eating me up alive.

I am eager to see what I hear from the bank later this week.  That will help me better determine my future.  All I can ask is that if your reading this, you pray for me.  I need help in most every aspect of my life. 

Thanks and I will talk with you later.

Is it the weekend yet?

I am just so tired.  I worked like crazy yesterday.  I fit in a nap but didn’t get much rest.  I spent most of my time crying.  The pain is just getting to be too much.

I put together some photos for his memorial dinner that will happen in a couple weeks.  I made a memorial photo of him and when I was done I just started balling.  I haven’t cried so much in a very long time. 

My sleep pattern was disrupted last night I got cold and woke up.  Then couldn’t go back to sleep.  The AC was in psyco mode.  It is set for a temperature but just randomly decides to ignore it and keeps on running and running, until you shut it off.  Give it a minute and then turn it back on, all is back to normal.  It works that way with the heat sometimes too. 

I woke up to take the carpet cleaner back yesterday and someone got sick.  I think it was Jumper because I have been skimping on his medicine.  He is back to his normal routine and while he doesn’t like it, he isn’t puking so I think we are both happy.  House looks pretty good and with a lot more effort some day I can say it looks nice.  Although with the cats around nothing stays perfect forever. 

I have a meeting this afternoon, not looking forward to it, because I tend to fall asleep in meetings.  Hopefully I don’t fall asleep in this one because my boss will be there.  That wouldn’t be a good thing. 

Got the grocery shopping done, only spent $55 not too bad.  I didn’t buy any meat everything is either frozen or ready prepared, just heat and eat.  That will get me buy for a while until some day I decided to learn to cook.  It just sounds like so much work.  Now I know what I was missing all of this time. 

Two things I am craving one is Meatballs & Cabbage a dish he used to make.  The other one is his Chili.  It was different every time but it was always better on the second day.  You know you don’t think about the little things you look at the big picture like the loss, then the bills.  Soon you realize there is just so much that you can’t take it all in at once. 

People be it work or at home, they fill in little gaps that we take for granted.  It’s like my grandpa said you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.  That rings so true for me now. 

We told each other often that we loved one another and I wish I could do it again.  I wish I could feel his arm on my shoulder.  I miss helping him maneuver around.  I miss the noise and the time we had together on the weekend.  So many things that I miss. 

As for a replacement well I just don’t think the time is right yet.  I know I will never find anyone that will be as good to me as he was.  Plus the whole idea of looking sounds like such a chore.  Especially since I am a virgin to dating.  I can usually read people very well and can figure out for the most part if they truly care or if they are just using me.  However, some people hide it so well and are good at being deceitful that even I can pick it up.  I worry about being taken advantage of or just used and thrown away like a piece of trash.  I don’t want anymore heartache or heartbreak.  I just want things to click into place.  I think I could be comfortable watching porn, using my hand and being alone for the rest of my life.  At least it’s safe sex.  The only problem is companionship and well the cats help me with that.

Time for me to run, I have to eat lunch and then ramp up for the meeting.  I hope there is no fresh hell in the mail tonight.  I always shudder going to the mailbox about what bill has come in or who wants what.  I am relieved when it’s all just junk mail.  Money would be nice.  Still waiting for his pharmacy and tax refunds.  I could sure use them now. 

You peeps take care and I will talk with you later, when hopefully I have more energy!

It’s a date… well sort of

Remember the guy that I asked on a date?  Well he just wants to be friends.  I’ve gotten a couple messages from him.  He wants to get together next month for a drink.  I put the ball back in his court, so he can approach me with what works for him.  I suggested a Saturday.  He told me that dating is a chore but it’s also fun as well.  Yeah, I don’t think I am quite ready just yet.  I did tell him that he should feel honored because he was the first guy I asked on a date.  I think that kind of caught him off guard.  However, who couldn’t use a friend?  Making a friend that is gay, well it’s like a double bonus.  I just hope that my hormones don’t get in the way and that he turns out to be a true friend.  Time will tell.

It was like pulling teeth but I think I finally have gotten the Bank to realize that I am fucking broke.  I asked for a loan modification and had to submit 53 pages of documentation.  I am surprised they didn’t ask me for a blood sample, but I bet you it will be next on their list.  I have to give them a few days to process things and think it over.  I should hopefully know something by the end of next week.  I have elected to keep the Bankruptcy alive and make monthly payments on it.  That is the only way I can say for certain the creditors won’t come after me and the bank won’t try to pull the house away from me, despite the fact that I have legal paperwork that says it is mine.  Can you explain to me how a dead person makes a mortgage payment?  The only answer I can come up with is they fucking don’t.  It is impossible.  However, they are too stubborn to change the name and I honestly don’t think I will get credit for making the payment. 

To get a Hardship Discharge I have to come up with $10k.  That is a lot of money to part with.  There are no guarantees that I will or I won’t get it.  However, instead of parting with all of that cash right now, I am going to keep my money in the bank and earn interest on it.  I will make the monthly payments and when we get to the $10k mark in 36 to 40 months, by then enough time will have passed that I should qualify on my own for a home loan.  Plus the house at that point will only have 7 years left for me to pay it off.  So I just think it will all come together.

I had to change the Water, Sewer & Trash bill into my name.  Since I had 1/2 day off Friday that is what has allowed me to make so much progress with so little time.  I went to make the change and the first person I spoke with told me that they needed $125 deposit.  They had no idea what a Civil Union was.  Then I talked with the Clerk and she agreed to waive the deposit since I have been living here and they had my name on file as making payments in the past.  She too didn’t know what a Civil Union was, I said it’s gay marriage.  Oh, wow the whole office broke up.  Well I told them my partner died, what the fuck did they think, I was a police officer or an Attorney? 

When I left to go home and get paperwork they needed my car was running fast.  I looked at the Tachometer and it was up at 4 and it NEVER gets that high.  Plus when I stopped the engine would rev up and the car acted like it was speeding up and then it would stop.  It was like the car from hell.  The engine was making tons of noise and I just figured oh fucking great I need car repairs now.  Thankfully I went home, gathered the documents and went back.  The car has been running fine ever since.  I ran a Vehicle Health Report and everything checks out.  I am still going to call the dealer on Monday to see why something like that would happen, it just doesn’t make sense to me.  I hope that bucket of bolts continues to serve me well, I don’t need more problems right now.

I got a carpet cleaner today and have taken care of all of those stains.  I found one in my bedroom where Blu peed on one of my slippers and it turned the carpet green.  That didn’t come out.  I what shocked and of course wanted to kill him but I just blew it off. 

I have been putting off gathering photos of my guy for his memorial dinner that is coming up in a couple weeks.  I found a bunch of videos he made for his Cousin as e-mail replies.  I just love seeing him and hearing his voice again.  He made me laugh and made me cry as well.  I miss him so much.  I still don’t have everything together but I have decided that I will be putting all of the photos on a Digital Picture Frame and taking that to the dinner.  That way everyone can see many photos and I don’t have to worry about loosing anything.  Just have one item to keep track of, plus it was collecting dust anyway.  It’s the perfect solution for this occasion.  I think it plays videos as well, I am going to try it and if so, I will put something together.

I still have not heard anything from his cousin in NV.  I am not sure if it’s the gay thing or simply because he is gone.  They said they wanted to keep in touch but well they are certainly singing a different tune now.  I sent them a final e-mail tonight and basically said I have no idea why your not speaking to me.  You know how to reach me if you want to talk and I told them how hurt I was by their decision.  Given the circumstances you would think the last thing anyone would want to do is hurt me now in my time of need.  However, people shit on you all the time and the fact that your down, just makes you an easier target.  So if I hear from them great and if they choose to remain silent I will just write them off and move on with my life.  That is all I can do. 

I got the cable bill switched over into my name and got $34 taken off the bill for a year.  Today I switched out one of the boxes for a Digital Box.  Damn, watching TV in HD is so much better.  However, I have to sit in the upstairs living room because that is where the best TV is at.  I have to watch live TV because there is no DVR.  So it’s just a weekend and quick at night thing.  Most of my TV watching is done from the comfort of my bedroom.

I switched out the rear wiper on my guys truck today.  Good thing because it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.  I am taking that vehicle to work.  This is power outage weekend.  I went over earlier to shut everything off.  I figured 5 minutes and was there 1 hour.  Yeah, I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring.  I really hope everything powers back up like it’s supposed to, especially my crab ass bosses machine.  There is just a little bit of stress involved with this.  However, it should hopefully all pass by morning.

I am totally beat from all of the work I have done today.  I did manage to fit in a nap but I am so ready for bed.  I was up late last night as well.  I still have so much to do but I think I am giving up for tonight and calling it.  I want to watch TV and fall asleep.  Tomorrow is another day, a day in which I have to accomplish a lot.  Hopefully I make it. 

Talk with you peeps later.

Ready for THE END

#1 – One of the unions my partner belonged to is refusing to see our Civil Union as a valid marriage.  Therefore, they are denying me the Death Benefit and his last Pension Check that I am entitled to as his spouse.  They want to give it all to his no good son.  I am working on an appeal, but seriously doubt that I will make any head way but the sum of money is large enough that it’s worth my time and effort.

#2 – Settling my partners Bankruptcy to get to the point where I can get a hardship discharge will cost me $10k and there is no guarantee that the court will grant said discharge.  I have the $10k in the bank today but parting with it would create an undue financial hardship.  On the other hand I don’t want the case dismissed because the debtor died, because I just have a feeling that one if not more than one of the creditors would make a move on the house.  So my next option is to continue the monthly payments until we reach the $10k mark which will take about 40 months.  That sounds much more affordable.  When we get to that magic number then his attorney can file for the hardship discharge and we shall see what we get.

#3 – The bank that has the loan on the house, won’t do anything until the Bankruptcy is cleared up.  Which means I can’t assume the loan nor change the name on the mortgage to reflect the name of the trust.  They were under the assumption that Bankruptcy would be cleared up, but given the $10k figure today there is no way I am parting with that much money up front.  I can use that money to help pay down the existing mortgage.  So in a way I am assuming the loan.  However, I have asked them given the fact the Bankruptcy will be living on what now.  Are they going to foreclose on me?  Can they work with me on at least lowering the payment to make it more affordable.  I have echoed and echoed that I want to keep the house.  I know banks don’t want to become property owners and they will more than likely take my money.  I just fucking hate dealing with them. 

#4 – I tried to obtain financing on my own and was shot down twice.  Due to my bankruptcy last year, it simply has not been long enough.  I offered to pay off my car loan but it still won’t make a difference.  What people don’t understand is I didn’t do it because I was trying to screw over the system or creditors, I did it because my back was up against the wall and I had absolutely no other choice.  I have re-established credit and am paying all of my bills on time, never ever late.  In fact I am paying my partners bills earlier than he would have paid them.  I just don’t know exactly how long I can go before there will be a financial problem.  I am good at least for 6 months, provided my boss doesn’t do something stupid and fire me.  Which I greatly fear for.

#5 – The guy that I asked on a date finally responded.  He told me that he has someone and isn’t looking right now for a bf.  He would rather be friends.  I explained to him about my recent loss and that I wouldn’t mind getting together and being friends, hell who couldn’t use another friend?  I can’t exactly say that I have any gay friends.

#6 – I called ADT and they are lowering the rate for my service for 6 months and then instead of the rate jumping up $5 it will go back to what I was paying today.  I like the sound of that.  I called the cable company and they changed service over to my name and I am keeping what I have for now.  They discounted the bill by $35 per month for the next year.  That is better than nothing.  It’s not like they are exactly giving me service dirt cheap, which they can afford to do.  I may wind up cutting the cord for TV and just sticking with Hulu & Netflix.

#7 – I’m calling the phone company tomorrow and seeing about making changes to my service to lower the bill.  I really don’t use my home phone that much and only have it for the alarm.  However, I give the number out so I need at least call forwarding to be able to get calls on my cell phone.  Hopefully, I can swing a good deal with them.  I really don’t want to but I am also going to have my partners phone number turned off, unless they can make me a sweet deal for 2 lines.  I just can’t see paying for another line that I won’t really use, but it could be useful for a dedicated fax line. 

#8 – I have made all of the cuts so far that I know I can make, without being too drastic.  I figured out that I am spending $400 per month on the cats for food and litter.  I’ve got to find a way to fix that.  It’s major financial bleeding and it simply can’t go on.  I don’t want to get rid of them, but am not exactly sure how I can reduce my cost, unless I check into Sam’s club it might just pay off after all.

#9 – I am tired, just like I was back when he was dying.  I can’t get enough sleep to energize myself.  Work has it’s stress too and right now I have used up my entire evening, trying for an appeal, writing the cute guy back, crunching numbers and making calls to facilitate reduced cost service. 

I have seriously given thought to suicide because I feel that I can’t take anymore shit.  The walls are closing in on me.  There are several factors that are keeping me from moving forward.  The main one is the cats.  If they were out of the picture I think it would be more of a reality instead of just a thought.  I keep telling myself this too shall pass but it doesn’t seem to go away.  I’ve got to fire off an e-mail to the bank and then get ready for bed.  Talk with you peeps later.

World imploding

I have had to file appeals in both the car discount and the death benefit issues.  The death benefit is more concerning to me.  They don’t see a Civil Union as a marriage, if it had the word marriage in it then there wouldn’t be a problem.  I just hope the person reviewing the case realizes that my state doesn’t offer same sex marriage but they do offer a civil union.  Had marriage been an option, we would have done it.  I mean 25 years together but we were only legally spouses for 3 months.  Right now they want to give all the money to his son, I won’t let that happen w/o a fight. 

The bank has decided since my guy was in bankruptcy they can’t help me.  So basically they want me to keep making the monthly payments but don’t want to help.  I am trying to get financing on my own but with a recent bankruptcy most places won’t help me.  I have a credit union and they asked me to fill out an application, which I did.  Just waiting to hear back from them.  I don’t think it will be good news.  I am careful as to not apply too many places because the more places that pull your credit report the more your credit score goes down hill.

I started the day off in a depression mostly from a muscle relaxer that I took last night.  The depression wore off but the day well it’s just gotten worse and worse. 

Me and my guy have had to fight for everything.  I don’t understand why things can’t be easier.  I received a letter from a televangelist that he was corresponding with and it mentioned my name and talked about a blessing coming my way, but you have to comply with x and send in x for it to happen.  Now that I threw that away all of the bad things are starting to happen.  Makes me scratch my head and go hmmm, what if. 

I could use a nice hot man, a good stiff drink and about a year of vacation.  However, none of those things are going to happen.  What is worse is there is not too many people I can talk to and I can’t go home and tell anyone, well I could but they won’t understand. 

Basically if the house payments are not lowered in some form or fashion with in the course of a year I will be fucked and not in a good way.  Now you see why I didn’t want to buy an iPad.  I’m not taking it back, this just has to work out some way. 

I saw what the credit union had for payments and it’s like 500 to 1,000 per month, not bad at all.  I can swing that but I doubt seriously if I qualify for that low of a payment.  Time will tell.

I got to get back to work, not much more left in the day and what I can get done today will help me tomorrow.  Still trying to dig out from the storm.

Honestly, it won’t take much to push me to the point where I just give up.  Giving up isn’t what I want to do but it’s difficult to wade through everything.  I love the cats and don’t want to see anything bad happen to them or have them split up.  So much is on the line.

Eh, okay back to it.  Talk with you later.

Busy Weekend

Weekends are by far the worst time for me.  Lots of alone time and time to think and reflect.  Not good and I usually wind up in a depression.  Keeping busy does help but I don’t want to deny or mask what has happened, it’s something that I have to deal with.  With this being only the first month it’s obviously still difficult.  Things are still fresh and new and I know that I will have my moments. 

My iPad didn’t ship until Friday which means it won’t show up until Monday.  I spoke with the vendor on Friday and tried everything I could think of to get it rerouted OR to get at least a credit for shipping.  Both were denied.  Seriously!  Then to add fuel to the fire I was told “I don’t care if you buy from me or not”.  That fucking pissed me off.  Here I was trying to save money and help a friend now I am so angry that out of spite I went to a retail store and paid full price.  So I got my iPad, I got a better warranty protection and it’s renewable unlike Apple’s and a case w/ a keyboard for $135 more than what I would have been paying.  The retail price of the iPad & warranty are what raised the difference.  I got the case from AT&T and I get a sweet discount there so it was totally worth it.  Come Monday I will be calling and returning the order that I placed from work, I mean if he doesn’t care then why should I.  That is just piss poor customer service.

I got to leave early on Friday so the kids were not the wiser as to why daddy was late.  I walked in about same time as normal.  I set up the iPad and getting that accomplished was a bit of a challenge.  Now that it’s done and over with, the iPad has lost it’s luster to me.  I will still use it and have played with it a bit.  I see many uses but there is just no way I could leave on a plane and use it for work.  I mean everyone else swears by it but I have to have my laptop.  There is so much you can’t do on an iPad that would cause me problems.  It’s great for personal stuff and for e-mail but outside of that I that is where I draw the line.

I renewed my guys license plates, got his oil changed and filled up the tank.  Went for a little drive around town all went well.  I will probably start driving it a little on weekends so it doesn’t get old and rusty.  It’s great to have a 2nd vehicle option but cost wise it will be a killer.  Long term I will sell it for as much as I can get out of it, but it will be a while before that happens.

I went to a different grocery store today, for a little variety.  It cost more but it was so worth it.  I got my Mexican on!  I also saw this blue eyed, slight muscle, nice ass hunk.  He was trying to decide what meat to buy.  I would have been happy to sell him my tube steak.  Yeah, I really went gaga over him and had to seriously make an effort to keep my composure.  I couldn’t stop staring at his ass, it is what I think is the best part about a guy.  I mean we all have our favorite body parts and that is one of my top ones!

I got confusing news from the bank, one day they sent a letter saying because he was in bankruptcy they couldn’t change the name.  The next day they sent a letter saying they are processing my request.  Color me confused.  I wrote and asked what is going on.  Can’t wait for that explanation, I hope it’s all good but I am prepared for the worse.  I am making arrangements to try to get my own financing if that can happen, then I will talk with the lawyer about transferring the house in my name.  There are about 11 years to pay and then it will be free and clear.  I should hopefully be able to refinance that for 15 years and get a lower rate.  The only thing is I am not sure what I will qualify for since I filed Bankruptcy last year. 

I also am confused by one of his unions.  They are supposed to pay the surviving spouse a death benefit.  Now they are telling me that it will go to his children.  So I have to get clarification if they consider me a surviving spouse or the person who gets the money or if they in fact know about his son.  If the money is going to anyone else but me, then I will simply walk away.  I am not helping anyone profit from his death, especially his son.  Who wasn’t there for him.  I mean he could have left his son something but he totally excluded him and that was done for a reason.  Now all I want is what is legally and rightfully mine, I sure hope they don’t try to keep this last bit of money from me.  I am counting on it to help with the mortgage. 

The silly fire department since a bill for the ambulance and it was all in red.  I know this bill was for past service and not the last run they made with him.  I’ve told them once he is dead.  Now I am simply not opening the letter, and returning it marked Deceased Return To Sender.  Hopefully that will get the message across.  I mean how does one collect from a dead person? 

The local hospital also sent their final bill for recent service.  I sent them another copy of the death certificate and explained that I was told they would write it off.  I suspect they will. 

I got the kitchen all cleaned up last night and talked with an old co-worker/friend.  She wouldn’t shutup we went on for 3 hours and it was close to 1am before I simply told her that I had to get to bed I was ready to pass out and I was.  I hung up the phone and sat in front of the TV for a little bit and then it was lights out. 

Got all of the dishes washed, dish washer cleaned, laundry done, lunch packed and I am ready for the final load to dry and then I will be on relaxation boulevard for the rest of the evening.  I’m going to take it easy and hopefully watch some TV with the kids.  They are very clingy when I am home plus they compel me with guilt to feed them extra food. 

It should be a good week.  No boss all week long, religious holiday.  He can work on Monday and Friday, outside of that no work.  So he isn’t bothering to come in.  I am only work a 1/2 day on Friday and then I have the power outage to deal with on Saturday and Sunday.  Then back to normal the following Monday with boss man back in.  Then we have a 3 day weekend celebrating Memorial Day.  I will be busy on the weekend trying to price out some of my guys stuff that I am going to try to sell.  The weekend after that there is a Memorial Dinner in his name with some friends and that will be fun and difficult at the same time.  I honestly don’t know what to expect but a lot of I am sorries.  That is kind of why I didn’t have a funeral, because it would have cost extra and it would have added to my grief.  There are some people that I want to talk with and others that I don’t care if I ever see again. 

Well the last load in the washer just finished and I am headed to change it over to the dryer.  Going to play a little bit on the PC then it will be time to get ready for that R&R and I do so need it.  It’s the perfect ending to the weekend.  I just hope I can pull it off without any changes to my plan.

Here’s to what I hope is a great and fast moving week, with no complications, additional problems or stress.  Now I am really dreaming!  You have a great week and I will talk with you peeps again soon.

Bad Friday

Things actually went south last night when I discovered that my new iPad wasn’t shipped like it should have been.  I was given a tracking number but FedEx has not even taken possession of the package yet.  It will ship out today and I will have it on Monday. 

I bitched about this to the sales rep.  but he told me there was nothing he could do.  I really want to go to his manager but I like this guy and don’t want to get him in trouble.  I am really pissed about this.  I mean it’s one thing when it’s company money but when it’s my money I take it personally, because well it’s personal. 

We had some server problems this morning, I got that taken care of.  Then I learned they were letting someone go today.  I have already interacted with this person today.  She is a huge pain the ass but I don’t like to see anyone loose their job, because I know what that feels like.  This person will be beside themselves when they get the news.  However, they have treated several people very badly so it’s not like it’s not justified, I just hate the whole mess.  Knowing in advance is part of my job, but I have a hard time distancing myself from it. 

The office should clear out early today.  There was no traffic coming in, but there will be traffic going home.  It’s always that way on Friday…makes no sense.

I was hopeful that today would be productive but it doesn’t look that way.  Oh well, I guess that is what next week is for.  I had another sleepless night over the iPad crap. 

I plan on getting my hair cut, getting some cleaning and napping done as well as the normal weekend stuff.  Maybe play with an iPad maybe just play with myself.  :)

You peeps take care and I will talk with you later. 

Treat for me

So I gave in and rewarded myself today.  I bought an iPad Series 2 with 16gb of memory in black.  I picked up Apple Care with 3 Year Accidental Damage and a Bluetooth Keyboard for $530 total.  That includes shipping.  It’s WIFI only, which is all I really need.  I have been thinking it over and decided I’ve got the money today, might as well do something for me.  I can’t get too carried away or I won’t have anything to live on.  I should have everything tomorrow.  I got it at my employers discount but paid for it with my own personal credit card.  I am having it shipped to work so I know I will get it.  Can’t trust a shipment like that to sit on the front porch all day long.  I will be taking it home tomorrow night and playing with it probably all weekend long.  I guess my weekend has been planned once again!

My boss went slightly postal again today.  Over the large equipment purchase for the EMR that we are doing.  He can’t see the need to spend $120k.  He thinks that price is “absurd”.  Yeah, okay.  I can’t do anything about the cost of the hardware.  However, he is not under any obligation to purchase it.  I know that I got him the best price.  I heard that he went to AT&T behind my back and they want double the amount just for tables, then $20k a month just for a data plan.  So it’s pretty obvious that I did my job and did it well.  Right now he is trying to just buy tablets and that is what he is interested in me purchasing.  If he goes that route, the project will fail.  People will be upset and bitch not only to me but to anyone that will listen.  All I can do is what I am told to do and no more.  That was made pretty clear to me last week.

Speaking of last week, when I traveled to do the WIFI installation a couple weeks ago, I never asked for permission to spend $2k to order the equipment.  I just took it for granted that it would be okay, I mean he did tell me to put it in, so I really don’t see where there would be a problem.  However, with him and his short fuse one never knows.  Thankfully that won’t come up for a couple months. 

Best news of the day…next week is a Jewish Holiday so we get a break.  No boss man for a whole week.  He can work on Monday and Friday but Tuesday-Thursday will be peace and quiet because there is no work.  Thank you Jesus, I mean God!

I have been all over the place today… legal, website posting, procurement and building a machine, plus dealing with every day problems of WIFI and PC’s.  Maks the day go by really fast.

I ate lunch so late that I was sick, my blood sugar was bottoming out so I ate everything in sight and when that wasn’t enough I grabbed a 2 day old bagle and nearly broke my teeth trying to bite into it.  I managed and it was okay.  I feel fine now.  Too much work and no break means I will fucking pass out.  Came close to that today.  Thankfully it didn’t happen.  However, I wonder if it did who would find me and what they would do.  Probably scream and then I would wake up and freak them out. 

Last night’s mail brought me the fresh hell of an EOB.  Turns out that it looks like my guys medical costs will only be around $1,300.  I am going to try to make that go away simply by telling people he is dead and was in bankruptcy, there is no money.  If they push me I will tell them that I had to pay for the funeral out of my own pocket, that right there should tell them hello, there really is no money.  So thinks are looking up and the best news of all is he doesn’t owe anything for the helicopter ride they didn’t get $24,k but they did get $19k not too shabby. 

Fuck feels good to say that.  I am exhausted.  My neck was bothering me today but stopped.  I need sleep really bad.  However, I like to play when I get home…taking care of the bills, eating, messing with the cats and cleaning up after them and then there is me time.  So probably won’t go right to bed when I get home but the option to be able to do that really sounds appealing.  Despite the fact I would have 7 pissed off cats. 

Plans for the weekend look like Ipad, Shopping, Cleaning, Cooking, Cat Food, Laundry and Napping.  Stressful but not too bad.  Can’t wait to get my weekend on.  Everyone will be leaving early tomorrow for the wake, but I will be staying put.  When I do leave I plan on getting my hair cut, two weeks and it grows faster than the grass at home.  Speaking of which I have to pay lawn boy.

I struck up a conversation with a guy that my partner met on-line.  The guy is 66 and just lost his wife.  So we have something in common.  We are helping each other.  It feels a little odd because we have gone down the sexual road.  However, there is just no way I will ever take an older man again.  That loss is far too much and besides that I know I will never find another my guy.  I want someone closer in age for a partner, but I would take slightly older if I had to.  Right now my options are open and I like that.  The FB guy never responded back, so I presume he is NOT interested.  Okay fine by me.  I looked through all of my yearbooks and he is no where to be pictured.  I’m going to ask my brother to look at his Senior year book, he was one year behind me so maybe but he wasn’t listed in his class. It’s just strange we are the same age and I know I went to school with him but he is like a ghost when you look in the yearbook. 

Well the day is wrapping up and I am going to wrap up as well, gotta get ready to go home and cook.  Oh fun.  I think tonight will be Frozen Lasagna even if it does take 15 minutes it is so worth it and I will probably burn my tounge.  Let’s hope there is more money in the mail!  You peeps take care and I will talk with you again soon.

Hurting

So last night I came home and had dinner.  I was watching the Golden Girls and sitting with the cats and just had to see a photo of my guy.  I looked at the photos I took of his body at the funeral home.  Then I had to see more, I went looking for videos on my phone.  I found one where he is singing and he stuck his tounge out at me, we were at the End of the world part back on 12-21.  I got a laugh out of that and watched it a couple times.  It really sunk in again that he is gone.  I always used to tell him absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You know something it’s true.  Lonley and depressed are how I felt.  I quickly got myself busy doing work before I just broke down.

Then it hit me, yesterday that it was payday.  I think with the emotional state I am in, they could keep my check from me and I wouldn’t know it until months later.  So I paid bills some mine, some his.  His license plates will expire at the end of June.  They want $101 for the renewal.  I’ve written a check but am debating on if I want to renew or not.  Plus his auto insurance renews at the same time, I can pay them by the month so if I change my mind I can cancel coverage.  The auto insurance people don’t know he is dead because they also insure the house and I don’t want to cause any problems.  Right now financially things are looking pretty good.  If I am sucessful in getting lower mortgage payments then I think everything will come together.

No word from the church, so I have written them off.  They obviously don’t want a homo in their service.  However, little do they know it the stats say that they have at least 1 if not more.  Those folks might not be out but they are there, trust me. 

No word from my high school buddy.  I went to look him up in the year book last night and he isn’t in my Senior or Junior yearbooks.  Not even listed under not pictured.  I know we went to school together but I have no idea what year he graduated.  I believe we are either 2 years apart or the same age.  One of his profiles says one thing and the background check I said says another.  Who knows which one is right?  I am proud of myself for taking a leap of faith and approaching him.  However, I honestly don’t expect a response.  Particularly because he is looking for someone who is slim and slightly shorter than I am.  I was always told gays don’t like fatties, now I know it’s true.  I am like a school girl checking my phone every 5 minutes or logging on to FB but no response.  If he does respond with a yes, I will really be surprised.  Hell even if we didn’t hit it off as bf’s we could still just be pals. One other thing is that he is looking for someone who has never been married.  I of course can’t say that I wasn’t married since I was in a Civil Union.  So I listed myself in my match profile as Widowed, because well that is the truth.  Perhaps that is a turn off or maybe he thinks I killed the last one and he would be next.  :)  Who knows?

Presuming he is a no reply like I anticipate, I will just chalk it up to it’s not the right time.  I might look on-line but approaching someone will probably be out of the question, unless he is just a true hunk of burning love.  Let’s face it looks are what attracts you but it’s what is on the inside that counts.  If you don’t take a chance with someone who is average or even ugly, you might be missing an opportunity of a lifetime.  I wouldn’t say I am average looking but like most gay guys I am not 100% okay with my looks.

So that was last night.  Then this morning I am 1/2 way to work and realize I forgot my work phone at home.  Poor cats I hope they don’t go insane from all of the ringing and vibrations.  I know that the phone will be on the floor by the time I get home, which is okay just as long as it’s not peed on, I will be okay.  Otherwise it might be time to upgrade.  Cat pee on a cell phone I just can’t imagine how you get that odor to go away, much less if it’s even possible and if the phone will still even function.  I guess I will find out when I get home.  Talk about a surprise. 

The lady that lost her mother is back in the office.  We can leave work early if we “plan” on attending the wake.  Otherwise we have to work as normal.  A funeral home is probably not the best place for me.  I really feel bad for her, but I don’t think I will be going.  I just hope that she doesn’t think less of me, just given what I just went through no way do I want to go to an actual funeral right now.  I’d be a mess for sure.  We have worked together for a year but outside of that I really don’t know her and I never knew her mom.  Just saying. 

My right arm is tingleing today, I noticed it when I  was in the car.  I popped my neck but no help.  I hope I don’t have a pinched nerve or something else going on.  I really want that feeling to go away. 

Final thing, I was always told that when your spouse passes you should transfer your wedding ring to your right hand.  I looked on line and didn’t see that anywhere.  You are pretty much free to do whatever you want.  Last night I got out a white gold necklace that I have, put a cross on it and my guys wedding ring.  I am wearing it around my neck.  I wanted to put my ring on it too but I really like wearing it.  I have had a couple close calls where I almost lost it.  So perhaps I will give in and put it on the chain, because if I did loose it, I would be really upset.  I guess I can wear one of my other rings or just go plain.  I did hear that most people when they are looking to get back to dating take the ring off so there is no confusion.

Well I should actually do some work today because that is what I am getting paid for.  I just don’t want to and it’s 11am.  I don’t think today will be too productive, oh well.  Tomororw will be like party time because you know who will be headed home.  I just can’t wait this is the last weekend that I will have free this month.  I have some cleaning in store but outside of that it’s just going to be free and open, whatever happens, happens. 

On the 18th I have the power outage at work to deal with.  On the 25th I am getting together with a friend to help me decide on prices and sell some of my guys stuff.  That’s it the month will be out of weekends.  Thankfully the 27th is a holiday, Memorial Day so I will get an extra day off, which will be really nice. 

Okay for sure this will be the last thing.  I have been trying to reach my guys cousin in NV.  They were so supportive and I talked to her and her daughter a lot when this first happened.  Now that the dust has settled a bit, I can’t reach them.  Either they are screening their calls or something happened.  I sent an e-mail last night asking if I am maybe calling the wrong number.  Still waiting on an e-mail response.  I really hope that we don’t loose touch because they said I was part of the family.  People will tell you all sorts of BS when it’s totally NOT true.  Who knows.

That’s it now I am really off to work.  Talk with you peeps later.

My potential first date

Heard nothing from the church last night.  I suspect that homo’s aren’t welcome and I will hear nothing.  However, I won’t count them out just yet but if there isn’t a response by the weekend then I will presume my assumption is true.

So this morning I was talking with a vendor when he mentioned match.com.  I never gave that a thought and was skeptical I mean meeting someone on-line that can be scary.  You could see a photo that looks like a hunk of burning love but when you meet IRL they turn out to be a woman or a serial killer or something.

I figured no harm in looking.  Then I found someone I went to high school with.  He’s cute and of course slim as a twig.  I completed my profile on match.com just to be able to see his.  So I am not slender but outside of that I pretty well fit the bill for what he is looking for.  He wants a LTR but is looking for the right person.

What did I do?  I talked it over with a friend and then decided to see where things go.  I sent him an e-mail via FB and told him that I saw his profile on match, so he would obviously know I was gay.  I asked if he wanted to get together for a meal sometime.  I am giddy like a school girl waiting for his response.  We could meet and not hit it off.  Right now I just want to see what happens.  I am NOT looking for a roll in the hay, but rather a companion.  Me and my hand have been working together for years and that is a safe & comfortable relationship. 

If he says yes and we go out, this will be my first date ever.  Yup, I have never ever in my life been on a date, much less hit on a guy.  I am nervous about what to say, what to wear, etc.  but nothing has been said yet.  Who knows I might not even hear from him.  I will keep you posted.

So that is my big news.  I’m actually NOT sure that this is right but it doesn’t exactly feel wrong either.  What everyone has told me is that I should do what feels right for me, because everyone is different.  You shouldn’t feel a specific way at a specific time, this is a unique experience that only I can go through and I have to make the decisions about which corner to turn next.  That is very scary.  Decision making on a professional level is easy but on a personal level I suck at it.  I always used to let my guy make decisions.  I think all day at work and the last thing I want to do when I come home is think.  However, that is life.

This morning, a funny thing happened.  Last night when I got home Shy Girl didn’t come for supper.  I called and called but nothing.  Eventually I went looking for her and found her in her favorite spot under the couch.  I said hello and she looked at me as if to say hello, what do you want.  So I  called for treats and she came running.  This morning I put 3 cans of food down like normal.  The girls ALWAYS eat together as a family.  This morning shy girl took over the plate and was growling at her mother and sister when they approached to eat.  I had to open a separate can of food just for them.  My guy would have loved that story.  Shy Girl can be possessive.  I remember when I used to buy wheat pet grass at the store, it was for #1 son but everyone chomped on it.  She took it and just dared anyone to come for it.  She was growling at everyone but no one was close to her.  Even I tried to take it from her and damn near lost a finger.  She is so funny and cute too. 

Well I am still swamped at work.  Right now I am posting documents to a website, which is not fun at all.  It’s taking up a lot of my time but hopefully in another day or so I will be done.  Then I can move on to building machines, which is the next important thing on the list.  It is the part of my job that I like the most. 

Let me know your thoughts about me moving on and my potential date.  I am kind of shocked that I actually bit the bullet and did it.

Talk with you peeps later.

Still Digging Out

I am making some real progress today with work.  I accomplished a lot.  However, I am taking a half hour break before it’s time to go home to update you.  That and I’m tired of working.  It’s been a long day. 

I got to thinking about my guy and his demise.  Then I thought of medical malpractice.  He saw his PCP several times and complained of dizziness, he put him on Antivert.  However, he still kept reporting the same issue and it was getting worse!  If his PCP would have done a Cat Scan or checked his Coumadin level, this could have easily had a different outcome.  I am doing what is natural here and trying to find someone to blame for his death.  I know that suing a doctor first of all is a long hard road and it would take years to get a payout, if I even could or would win.  The thought of suing is just that a thought.  Nothing anyone can do will bring him back.  I just feel like since he was old the doctor did some shortcutting on his treatment.  Just venting.

I did something last night that I thought I would NEVER do.  I wrote to a local church by e-mail to find out if gays are welcome.  I explained that I just lost my partner and told them very clearly that I was a homo.  Given the circumstances I didn’t want to go someplace where I wasn’t welcomed or where people would try to change me.  I am who I am, just looking for a church.  I really can’t picture me going back after the many years that I have been away.  Getting up early on Sunday, really.  Well no response as of yet to my e-mail, but I gave them my home phone number and told them when to reach me, so maybe they will call tonight.  I won’t hold my breath but it will be interesting to see if I get a response!

In cleaning up I learned a lot more about my guy.  He had a couple different e-mail addresses and corresponded with many people.  I knew about most of it and it’s honestly no big deal.  What kills me is when I reach out to these people and they don’t have shit to say.  I mean if he was so important to you, then you should at least find something to say.  Just my opinion.

I’ve changed my direct deposit, so it will in effect create a small savings for the mortgage payments as well as keep the bank from charging monthly fees on the account.  Hopefully, this will keep them at bay for a while longer.  I really want to keep his account going w/o any changes at least for the foreseeable future.  While I was at it, I decided to create a small savings nest for me.  It will be like an eating out fund.  I am taking $25 and putting it into a separate account.  The rest of my check will be deposited as normal and there won’t be much left.  The mortgage payment right now is $1,500. per month.  I am saving $1,000. per month so some where or some how I will have to come up with $500 more.  I am not worried at the moment since I have the life insurance money. 

The other thing I did this weekend was move money around.  I’ve got enough stashed away to pay for Bankruptcy but I figure I might as well earn as much interest as I can.  I did keep some of it local just in case I needed it in a pinch.

Tonight is trash night, I hate putting those bags out on the curb.  The trash man will be mad at me because there is a lot of crap this time around.  Something that he is going to have to get used to.  I will be cleaning out stuff at random and it will easily probably take 6 months to a year.  There is still his office, bedroom and then more crap in the basement.  So this will be a long run!

I went out to eat a lot more than I should have this weekend, but it’s all paid for with cash, so no worries.  I am sick of cooking for one already.  I am tired of the same old stuff.  I will be going to a different store to spice things up, but that will be in moderation.  I picked up more frozen and ready prepared food.  Tonight I think it will be Beef Tips and Noodles – looks gross but if they did it right I can eat it.  Throw in a side of mac & cheese there is dinner.  Cooking time like 10 minutes and eating time like 15. 

My sweet tooth has disappeared.  I have donuts at home that are going stale, which would have never happened while he was alive.  I know I am loosing weight which is good but I am in total shock as to why things are different now that he is gone.  I guess that is just it, I am in shock and my body & brain don’t know what to do. 

Speaking of which I wanted to talk about moving on.  There is a guy here in the building at work that I would like to get to know.  First challenge is to know if he is gay.  We don’t work together but from what I see on FB I think it’s possible.  He is an actor, which isn’t a good thing because he could easily fool me and I wouldn’t know the difference.  The other thing is I believe he is only 23 years old.  We have exchanged hello’s but that is about it.  We don’t work together just in the same building.  I am always staring at him.  So I thought about sending him a friend request seeing if he would accept it.  Then if he did asking him to lunch or dinner.  If he accepted then I would probably be a total mess but it would be a good thing, potentially.  I don’t want to jump right into sex and I am clearly not looking for a one night stand.  I would want to get into a LTR again.  However, I am telling myself it’s too soon or that it might not work out.  Maybe I am short changing myself.  Then again it would be my first ever date if I went through with it.  The other thing here is he is very tall and knows martial arts so he could easily kick my ass and well I wouldn’t want that to happen if he turned out to be straight.  It would be bad enough that I would be heartbroken.  I certainly don’t want to set myself up for failure, so right now I am just letting things be and admiring him from a far.  It feels strange to talk about a replacement bf and/or how to obtain one. 

Well clocks ticking and I need to pack up so I can get the hell out of dodge.  There is plenty to do tonight and tomorrow will be here before you know it.  Talk with you peeps later.

Late Night

So it’s a bit of a late night for me.  I had to stay up to get work done.  Not work as in my job but work as in stuff around the house.  Today (Saturday) wasn’t too bad of a day, despite being the one month mark since my guy passed.  I wasn’t extra depressed, didn’t cry – pretty much a business as usual ordinary Saturday.

I talked with the clergy member on Friday.  We started at 6pm and before I knew it, the time was 9pm.  We both needed to get home.  I didn’t have supper and I knew the kids would be mad at me.  So I just came home and fed them.  I got ready for bed and called it a day.

Woke up in the middle of the night again, watched TV.  I got the idea an orgasm would make me tired.  So I put on some porn and then just about when I was all set for the moment of joy I got a Charlie Horse.  Not one time but two times in a row.  I know this is TMI but I really had to work at it and then finally I was happy and tired.  Back to bed!

I woke up again later in the morning, fed the kids, got breakfast at home and caught a shower.  Off to the dentist.  I had some pain last week when I was traveling.  I just associated it with sinus and the fact that I was using a different tooth brush.  The dentist has new technology and was able to x-ray and display the x-ray on a computer.  That gave her the ability to zoom in.  She doesn’t think there is anything to worry about, but she is sending it off for a 2nd opinion.  I might have an abscess, which would require a root canal.  It can be done in one visit but I have to go to an Oral Surgeon.  Right now no pain, since I have been brushing with Sensodyne Toothpaste.  Unless it bothers me I don’t see the need to do anything abscess or not.  I also would think that with an abscess I would know it was there, because it would be hurting all the time and there would be swelling in my face.  Of which it isn’t and there is none.

There was a boy in the waiting room at the Dentist, all I know is his name was Dillon.  He was eyeing me and I was eyeing him.  He was cute!  He was there with his mom and brother.  Way too young for me, I don’t even think he was a legal (18).  Still looking isn’t a crime, it’s touching or acting that are crimes.  Kind of nice to flirt a little bit, even if silently.

After the dentist, I went to a Mexican Restaurant I swore off years ago that I would never go back to.  I’ve been craving really good Mexican and decided to give them a try.  The food is still crap, so no going back there unless I am just plain desperate.  I noticed one of the steak houses my guy liked closed up.  Kind of sad.

Then it was off to the bank to make a deposit.  Then to AT&T to purchase a new Bluetooth Headset, because the one I was using (that I originally purchased for my guy) broke on Thursday from just being in my pocket.  I got something much more durable and got it at a 20% discount (thanks to my guys former employer).  Then I came home.  Just as I got out of my car I realized I forgot to go to Walgreens.  Damn, memory is all messed up with the stress I have been under.

I came in, fed the children.  Unboxed the headset, which was a challenge in its self.  Then put it on the charger.  Took a nap.  When I woke up I went to Walgreens.  Came home, fed the children again.  Started cleaning my guys office.  While I didn’t get done, I did make some headway.  The room is slowly getting to where it needs to be.  It will take much more time, because he saved every damn thing.  I ‘ve got a box going of stuff to shred and it’s pretty large.  I found some nude photos of guys he downloaded and printed out.  Thank God I didn’t have any help in going through stuff.  That would have been just a tad awkward.  Very soon into this I found what I was looking for, a pen that I had given him.  He stored it away, I know he wrote with it a little bit at first but he liked another pen that I gave him much more so this was I guess a backup in his eyes.  Still since it was personalized (engraved) I was eager to find it.  It tells him that I love him.  It’s cherry red and I just can’t help but think of him when I see it.  One of his many possessions that I will cherish all of my life. 

I found his mom’s death certificate, gold earrings and a gaudy ring that he wore.  Plus her High School Diploma.  It really means nothing to me, but I am hanging on to it for now.  The earrings I can clean up and see if they are real, if so sell them for scrap.  If not then give them away.  The ring is costume jewelry and that is pretty much just scrap – I don’t think it’s worth any money and with the shape its in I will probably throw it away.

There were several interesting finds.  When we went on our last vacation about 3 to 4 years ago, shortly before things turned sour and I lost my job.  We made a sex tape.  Yes, really.  There are multiple copies floating around the house and I have to make sure I round them all up.  He is shirtless and you can tell he just doesn’t feel good.  I’m the naked one.  I was really against making this, because if it was lost or fell into the wrong hands it would be embarrassing not to mention other ramifications it would have.  I mean like I couldn’t run for President.  Anyway, I’ve watched it and it’s a little hot but I am more interested in seeing him. 

One of the other things I found was a photo that he framed of him and another guy at work.  They were both caught sleeping right after lunch.  Some humor to look at the photo.  I remember there was a story to this but can’t remember the story, it’s been too long ago.  Nice to find those special things. 

Since I have a feeling there will be many things that I treasure of his, it’s a good thing that I still have 2 rooms to store it all in. 

I was very surprised to find a pre-paid AT&T Calling card.  I called and sure enough there is a balance on the card.  I’ve got one of these myself and you can combine the two cards into one.  However, I don’t know where mine is at.  I’ve been tearing things up left and right to find it.  I’ve got one more place to look and I really think it’s there.  I’ve got it setup as pinless, so I dial from my home phone and then can make LD calls.  However, I am finding that I am using my cell phone more and more. 

I got up the nerve to trap Shy Girl to trim her claws.  The little bitch bit me.  Thankfully she didn’t break the skin.  I guess since he passed away she must think I am going to kill her now.  She didn’t want anything to do with me and it was worse than normal.  Something felt very different.  However, I acomplished my mission and both front paws claws were trimmed.  Plus I brushed her to get some of the fur off of her.  She is truly a walking fur coat.  I could brush her for an hour and there would still be work to do.  She doesn’t seem to shed like the others.  However, with each nail trim comes a brushing, which I know she enjoys.  Might as well bring pain & pleasure together.  Maybe in 6 more weeks things will go smoother, but I am not counting on it. 

All of the children are in bed sleeping and I am the only one up.  It’s 12:36 so instead of babbling I guess it’s time to call it a night.  I will talk with you peeps later.  More work awaits tomorrow.  Shopping, laundry and cleaning.  I am tired just thinking about it.