Munday

 

Clarifying statement … I didn’t share with you that my book was 60 pages long.  It was fun as well as painful to write.  I wanted to give you the page count so you didn’t think it was an encyclopedia.  I don’t have a lot of excerpts to share nor do I want to give away the entire content for free for obvious reasons.  However, there are some nuggets of knowledge in there that I do plan on sharing. 

Here we are the start of yet another week.  Last night I took double the dose of the strongest sleeping pill that I take on a regular basis.  It did its job very well and I woke up feeling well rested, which is a rare feeling for me. 

I did help the pill along a bit in that I shaved my face and my head as well as took a shower after taking the pills.  I was nice and relaxed.  I just sat in front of the TV knowing full well that eventually I would get super sleepy and that is exactly what happened. 

I am currently watching Teenage Bounty Hunters on Netflix and have yet to make it to the end, which is kind of a disappointment to me but I am doing a pretty good job.  Just a couple more episodes to go.  I saw a post on social media from Mackenzie Astin who I had a huge crush on growing up and since he was in it, I knew I had to watch it.  I was expecting something way different but it’s surprisingly good, at least to me.

I learned that we have a full week of nothing but sunshine.  That was welcoming news.  There is heat with that sunshine but at least there won’t be any damn rain.  My mosquito repellant should be delivered tomorrow so unless something radically changes, I can climb up on a ladder and clean out the gutters for what I hope will be the last time over the weekend.  Then purchase some rock and spread it in the front of the house where most of it has washed away.  Hopefully that will be the end of my home improvement projects for a while.  I still need to power wash the deck and paint the trim around the garage but neither of those projects appear to be that urgent to me. 

I’ve got a DVR full of content to empty tonight, plus some decent food to eat.  I picked up another French Whipped Cheesecake by Sara Lee and will certainly indulge myself with a large piece of that for dessert.  Sure, I don’t need it but hey I bought it so might as well eat it as oppose to throw it out or give it away. 

It’s been an oddly calm day and I hope that this will be a recurring theme for the week to match our sunny weather.  Marvin sure is happy about the sunshine because he likes to lay where the sun beams into the living room.  It’s a favorite spot of his late mothers.  If he isn’t there on occasion his sister will lay there but she is much more a fan of her own bed in my room. 

I hope that you had a great day and life is going well for you.  We have some new COVID restrictions in my neck of the woods and I am so happy with my decision in listening to my doctor’s advice and just staying away from people in general. The cases have spiked here at consistent levels for several days so there are some mild restrictions, if things get better, they go away if they get worse or stay the same the restrictions get worse. 

I did try to fix my fan issue on my PC but to no avail.  As long as the machine is running, I am good.  If I need to shutdown it’s risky because it might or might not come back.  I put the cover back on it and am watching the temperature of the CPU to be cautious.  I’ve also priced a replacement machine my problem is that my monitors are old so I will most probably want to spring for new monitors as well that tacks on to the cost.  I’ve got the money but I would rather not spend it.  Sure, my machine is old but the pain of configuring a new machine isn’t something I really want to go through.  If I have to go through it better for it to be planned than unplanned.  I’ve thought about making a purchase while I am taking some of my time here in a couple weeks but I keep vacillating.  If I am going to buy something that is most probably when it will happen unless circumstances dictate otherwise.  It’s not often that I shut my computer down, yet another reason for wanting to put this off. 

I’m going to scour the web as the last hour of my day ticks by until I can go up and see my furry family and get what I hope is a great evening started.  I suddenly have this odd craving for cherries, wonder why?  :) Take care and be well.  We will talk with you peeps again soon. 

My Coming Out Story

 

I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial.  What they failed to realize is that my brother was setting me up to take the fall.  While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me.  Of course, I wasn't acting right because I was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell into.  I was the victim when I looked like the aggressor [perpetrator].  They say everything happens for a reason and well it did. 

It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it.  I myself didn't even know it and denied it.  Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right.   While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up.  I hadn't yet figured out who I was.  Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time.  I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well.  He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy.  The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice. 

My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was.  I didn't understand why.  He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe.  It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do.  I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing.  As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her.  I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.

One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening.  I told her that I was gay.  She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life.  I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting.  That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it.  She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued.  She asked me what kind of sex I had.  Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it.  She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting.  Then she asked where she was and where this took place.  That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place.  Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was.  She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend.  I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life.  The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather.  He surely would kick me out and disown me.  I am positive that she never said a word to him. 

Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't.  My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass.  I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly.  I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared.  Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went.  I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened.  He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word.  It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me.  He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated.  That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him.  I honestly never really thought about it at the time.  I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.   

As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother.  My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no.  She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried.  I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent.  She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems.  She always said that I should be a top.  She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work.  Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.

My brother kind of figured things out on his own.  I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him.  However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did. 

The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience.  Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done.  Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on.  Your never ever done coming out of the closet.  I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them.  Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me. 

I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men.  We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine.  I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom.  Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business.  I get the curiosity to want to know that.   I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.

A side note, a bit off topic.  The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son.  We wouldn't bother to correct them.  He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me.  To us it was humorous.  I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes.  It was a compromise that we agreed upon.  He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals.  I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt.  I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us]. 

Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back.  Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak.  I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I.  However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment.  I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid.  How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job?  How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship?  My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out.  There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively.  While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell. 

Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well.  The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay.  There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because.  No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR.  What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group.  We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse.  Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know.  I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me.  I am Jeremy a man.  Being gay is just part of who I am.  Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am.  It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't. 

I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride.  I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay.  I cried just as they did.  I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life.  While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what.  You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur. 

Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards.  I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant.  She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made.  I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now. 

You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out.  Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature.  If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age.  If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do.  Below are some resources that I hope are of help. 

HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out 

Matthew Shepard Foundation  - Coming Out Resources 

The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

 

 

Good news for you

I don’t think that I mentioned it but I wrote a book. This was all going back to when I lost my spouse and all that came with that horrible event, while I was going through it. Once the dust settled I self-published the book with the help of LULU.com. I rushed to get it in print and there unfortunately were horrible editing mistakes that I overlooked and didn’t catch until I was reading a proof that I had ordered. The book was for sale for a short time and even made it on Amazon, before I pulled it. Sadly, I didn’t sell one copy, which was okay, I mean I didn’t think of it as a major source of income but if I could make a little money it would be worth it. My family of course laughed at me and told me how foolish I was. I did set a goal and accomplish it, which made it worthwhile for me. I ordered several proofs and autographed them and sent them to the people that I valued most for helping me through what was a very low point in my life to show my thanks and appreciation.

I’ve often thought about a second book and even made a go at it but never really had the drive to put all of the energy and time into it like I did the first one. If you haven’t done it before, book writing is very time consuming and I didn’t know that going into it. I figured a couple hours here and there and within a week I could be done. Then publish it and presto the work is done. I wish it would have worked like that but it didn’t happen. It took at least six months if not longer to pour over it and write what I did. Thinking of names for chapters, much less the title was difficult.

I mention the book because I like to have a topic to write about and trying to think of new topics to keep you my readers entertained is a bit of a challenge to me, since I live what I think of as a dull & lonely life. I am just an average person who happens to be gay and lost their mate. The world has become a lonely and empty place void of the joy and pleasure that I used to have. Don’t get me wrong I do get a laugh now and then and I still have orgasms, ice cream and good food so it’s not all bad.

I want to be able to help people but also be able to help myself through writing. Building up a following and getting feedback (comments) feels good and gives me the drive to continue. I am starved for attention among other things. I am not rich or well off by any stretch of the imagination, that’s why I have a full-time job because absent of that I would have no money. I am proud of how far I have come and the obstacles that I have tackled. So, it may seem from time to time as if I am bragging and well, I suppose I am. I amaze myself and marvel in the fact that I have made it this far, which I didn’t think would ever be possible. I’ve proven to myself you don’t know what you can accomplish until your back is against the wall and you have no choice. I’ve given it some thought and am pleased to inform you that moving forward, I have elected to share some of the content with you, my readers. I’m doing this with the hopes that you will get a more accurate picture of me, be able to relate more to me and perhaps walk away with some lessons learned. I will of course continue with my normal posting of happenings in my current life as well as my feelings.

Right now, it’s Sunday morning soon to be afternoon. I am a little sleepy, the cats are starved for attention and probably think it’s close to lunch time. I could use a little bit of time away from this box. I have some work tasks to do a bit later this afternoon that will keep me glued here for longer than I want, so I figure might as well enjoy some freedom and relaxation while it still exists.

I hope that your having a great day and that life is going well for you. Thanks for your visit today and be sure to come back again soon.

DISLOYAL - Book Forward

 

Listen to Rachel Maddow read the forward of Michael Cohen's book Disloyal.  I don't know about you but I am not much of a book fan.  After I heard this I am dying to get my hands on the finished product, this is something I actually want to read.  

DISLOYAL - Book Forward

Fun Time Friday

 

Another week under our belts.  It’s been rocky and interesting, which is par for the course.  Monday we were all informed that our boss wanted to start a new practice with our weekly team meetings.  He wanted each of us to appear on camera and this is going to be a recurring theme.  I’m not a huge fan of it but I embraced it for what it was worth.  It was enjoyable to see everyone again.  I see that some of us look the same and some of us have put on weight.  At least I know I am not the only one packing on the pounds. 

I made a discovery on You Tube that an old TV show from the 80’s is there in all of it’s glory.  No commercials or ads (at least not thus far).  The show is called Gimme A Break.  It starred Nell Carter who was a very funny woman and the life of the show.  This is where I got my first exposure to Joey Lawrence who started out as an innocent cute kid, who turned into a hunk of a teenager and a very handsome man.  It’s kind of apt that I found the show considering my last post.  The theme song just plays over and over in my head from time to time.  I think we all could use a break right about now.  Check it out if you need a laugh and like situation comedies. 

Charlie Puth released a new single called Why are you so hard on yourself.  I love his music and well of course him as well.  I know he’s straight and I think that it’s just a gay man’s curse to constantly lust after a straight man.  This guy has a great body but it’s his vocal cords that really sing.  He’s truly got a gift. 

The lawn man showed up this afternoon out of the blue.  He wasn’t due here until Monday.  Not exactly sure why he has scattered the day he shows up but since were at our usual second mowing of the month I went ahead and got him a check.  Normally we square up at the end of the month or every 4 weeks.  We got an extra Monday in this month and that is his usual day to mow.  He also oddly enough stopped sending me bills in the mail.  I guess I must be his only customer that doesn’t need a reminder.  Go me!

A mosquito followed me into the house.  Those things are silent but deadly to me because I don’t feel them biting me.  The next time I have to get my blood drawn I’m going to ask them to use the Mosquito needle.  That should get a chuckle.  Anyway, the damn thing was evasive but I reluctantly hung up a fly trap (glue strip) and the damn thing flew into it.  That was a welcoming site.   

We have also had our fair share of storms this week.  Some power flickering here and there but never totally lost power.  When we first moved here it would flicker 3 times and then presto out, she goes.  Glad those days are behind us.  Sort of like with the cable modem, it would rain outside and we had no internet. 

I’m doing okay all things considered.  Looking forward to hopefully picking up my check for my phone tomorrow.  Also have to get the furry family some additional food and make a Target trip.  Maybe I will splurge and dine out via drive thru of course. 

I am mulling over some thoughts about my next topic to write about.  If you have any suggestions, they are certainly welcome.  I hope you all have a nice weekend.  Take care and I will talk with you peeps later. 

The COVID Blues

** DISCLAIMER**  What you are about to read might frighten or alarm you, for that I am sorry.  I am not in any imminent danger and have no plans to harm myself. I just need to vent a bit.

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COVID and its restrictions. At first it wasn’t all that bad but that was months ago. To keep this up day in and day out for the foreseeable future, causes me to think I am not going to make it out of this alive. I wasn't Mr. Social to start with but being removed from society (daily commute, daily interactions with others) to now be working from home, I am just going stir crazy from the isolation. I just want out and want this to be over with. What exactly does that mean? Not to scare or alarm you, but to be very blunt I have a death wish. I've had it ever since I lost my spouse. It depends upon circumstances and that causes me to vacillate. Meaning that if things are good, I am not thinking about it and if things are bad then I very much think about it. I say that I am sticking around for my cats. I honestly think they are here as a distraction and also an obstacle, so that I will remain alive.

I've been asked before by Health Care Professionals if I have ever formed a plan to commit suicide. I lie like a rug and say of course not. Truth be told, yes, I have thought about several different ways. This part of the post may sound like I am having a pity party but that’s not the case and I don’t want to give that impression. I mean everyone has something they are dealing with, that is just part of life. I was always one to try to run from my problems rather than address them. Once I lost my spouse that changed everything and I no longer wanted to hide. You can't out run your problems, you may be able to take a vacation from them or delay them but eventually you have to deal/face them. That is the only way they go away and then of course you get new problems to take the place of the old problems. How much fun is it being an adult? It’s as if life is just one problem solving puzzle after another.

The thought of committing suicide entered my mind when I was first coming to terms and dealing with my sexuality. You know your young and think that your life is over because your gay. Well when I was growing up the world was a different place. Today I think that many kids figure it out and then just come out and life gets better for them, because the world is a different place and much more tolerant and accepting. Don’t get me wrong there still are haters and people that don’t accept anyone that is different than them, be it in skin color, sexuality, religion and there is a litany of various items, just fill in the blank.

I am just stating facts here… Outside of work and the cats no one really depends on me or needs me. I have one friend left in the world and we were closer in times past but I feel like we're slowly drifting apart. Absent of my two remaining cats, my family has departed the earth and there really isn’t a large enough reason that I want to continue to exist. Now if I manage to turn things around, find a new guy and fall in love well then there would be a reason to exist. I could also shackle myself by getting another cat after the two I have pass on.

We all have stories to tell and bring something different to the table. I can see myself given my life's experiences as a contributor and I do enjoy helping people. However, I feel so alone, so lost and it's so scary. The lonely part is by far the worst.

Again, not a pity party but I've been through a war or to hell and back. It’s been like that most of my life and as time goes on the problems & situations, I deal with are different and larger in magnitude. I am tired and just ready for things to either get better or to give up and call it a day. I realize that if I give up, then I will never know if things would get better. I suppose that the suspense of wondering what is going to happen and how life will turn out, combined along with my cats is what keeps me here. Curiosity if you will. Longing and hoping that something good will happen. There are good things that happen in my life but the negative or the bad seems to outweigh that, or so it appears from my point of view.

COVID with its isolation only further exacerbates my depression. Not to mention we are close to my next birthday. Last year was the absolute worst birthday ever. I was all alone, just discovered that I had a mold problem at home and figured it was the beginning of the end. Turns out I have made it through that event. I dealt with the imminently dangerous and health hazardous items with self-remediation. Lots of internet research and YouTube video watching. I am not a mechanically inclined person and I fail at most any mechanical task when I try. However, I didn’t do a half bad job in taking care of the emergent issue. There is still mold present in my home and I need some serious work done to fully fix that. I have fixed what was most urgent and have to live with the rest. It's not affecting my health, but it did and it took a while to discover what the actual problem was. Mold is expensive to remediate and unless you have a mold rider on your homeowner’s insurance there is no coverage. Like most people I don’t have that rider, it’s not something that the average person will ever need. I was never told about it or given an option to purchase the rider but if I would have known about it, I would have signed up for sure. Perhaps that nugget of knowledge will help someone. I didn’t bother with making a claim, I just pulled out my policy and read it, then found the answer and was seriously further depressed.

Sorry I digressed there for a bit. Back on point. This year I will be alone like last year, I removed my birthday from my social media on purpose. Your social media friends wish you a happy birthday as what feels to me like it’s perfunctory. I do think that I will be depressed when my birthday rolls around but not as bad as last year. It feels just like every other day of the week and it’s been that way ever since I got out of my 30’s. Next year I will be out of my 40's and into my 50's, which is also something that I don't look forward to. Additionally, the older you get the less marketable you are in the dating world. The gays are a vain bunch and looks are everything to most [gay] people. I don’t have a rocking body and that doesn’t help things either. Let's face it at the end of the day no one wants an old man and slowly that is what I am turning into or so it feels that way to me. I wound up with an older man who was young when we started but turned in to an old man with time. He made me very happy, did his best to look out for my well-being and imparted a wealth of knowledge. Watching him grow old and have health problems well that was not what I signed up for but I was well aware that it came with the package. If it wasn’t for me, I don’t honestly think he [my late spouse] would have lived as long as he did. He always said he would live to be 100 and died in his 70’s, which is still young but an average long life, considering his health.

I do honestly believe that there is another guy in the world for me but finding him seems to be an impossible task. I've gotten used to being single & alone. However, absent of the physical & sexual needs as well as the having someone to be there when your ill or in a jam it's not that bad. I've got the physical/sexual part down with my porn addiction. It's when I get sick or when I get older and need help, I would like to have a reliable person in my life that I can truly depend on and it would be even better if we had feelings for each other.

My insomnia is growing worse as time goes on. I can be tired as in exhausted and wake up in the middle of the night either on my own or because of a noise or a cat. It matters not why I am awake the difficult part is going back to sleep. I know for certain I can use a better mattress, that would help things along. Less stress and worry would also help greatly. However, I find that once I am awake going back to sleep is next to impossible because my brain starts working and I can't turn it off. I want to go back to sleep but my body fights against it and prevents me from doing so. Then just when it's time to get up is when I really can fall back asleep. I have amazed myself on how I can manage to make it through the day on little to no sleep and still function quite well. That was an impossible task when I was younger.

This post has been brewing for a while and I have made many edits. I’ve been slightly afraid to post it but today I am pulling out the stops and up it goes. Yesterday, I got a complimentary 1-year membership to Calm it’s an app for your mobile device. You can listen to sleepy time story’s, learn how to meditate and relax. I’ve played with it a bit. Sounds like it just might be what I have been needing.

In summary … simply put I just want things to get better, stay better and keep getting better all the time. I’m probably asking for utopia and I know that just doesn’t exist. I want to live now while I can, have fun, make memories, spend some money, travel, eat some great food, see some hot men (not sleep with them) and find the next and hopefully final love of my life and that will all give me a reason to get out of bed and continue with my life. We all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, when you lose that reason that's when you die. I've been told that and seen that all too often. I don't want to be married to my job but that is a slight reality right now. I can easily file for divorce and distance myself, of course it will probably affect my performance a bit but I am told by many people at work, that I am simply the best and it's something I hear often. While I appreciate the compliment, eventually it rings hollow.

No one likes to hear someone complain. However, as the old tv song goes. You take the good, you take the bad and there you have The Facts of Life. This is my outlet to get it out of my system and I think as long as I have pondered over this, things have gotten a little bit better or maybe it’s just my mood that changed. Either way I feel better at the moment and hope that continues.

Thanks again and I will talk with you peeps again soon!

Holy Cow, stressful day!

My day started off early at 2a when thunderstorms woke me up. There was no going back to sleep it was a serious storm. I did my usual, got up had a Diet Coke and grabbed a couple Oreos. Watched TV and waited for the sugar to help lull me back to sleep. That happened around 5a. Then the cats had to have their breakfast so I was back up at 6a and of course the storm was still raging. I fed them and hopped back in bed.

I finally got up around 9a and just got started with my day. Since the storm was going there was no way I was leaving to get in the rain just to get groceries. Instead I started by taking care of some weekend work tasks. While they were processing, I cleaned up my home PC and rebooted it. It came back up and I logged back in at work, the job I had running was done. I checked and of course as I predicted my co-worker hasn’t bothered to log back in and do his part like he was supposed to. I’ll hear some lame excuse tomorrow and then he will be working on it all day. It’s such a disappointment, I expected more from him. Boss man called and we chatted about it, I just chalked it up to something probably came up.

I went back to bed but there was no sleeping even though I was tired. I opted to get up and eat some lunch around 12:30p. Then got dressed and headed out. The sun was shining and I was happy about that. The grocery store was packed to the brim. There was however a larger selection of prepared food to choose from. I got some Italian dishes and a Burrito. Nothing terribly exciting but hey if push comes to shove, I can always hit up a drive through or call in something and pick it up.

I made the mistake of playing with the gutter outside and got attacked by Mosquitoes, I knew I should have stayed in the house but I wanted to try something out. It’s a temporary fix and I will need to find a better solution, but that involves a trip to the hardware store and that is put off for another day.

Then on to unpack the groceries and as soon as I was done, I got an alert that a machine on the network came in contact with a virus. This is actually the part when my boss reached out. He is a micro manager at times. I know what I have to do but he decided to micro manage and I did things ½ ass. Of course, he called back about a half hour later to “check on me” and wasn’t terribly happy with the course of action I chose. I didn’t want to bother the user because it’s hell to get someone to call you back, especially on a weekend. I knew that our AV product cleaned things up, it’s in the log – but that isn’t good enough for him. You have to run a complete scan. Gee if you are going to that extreme might as well replace the machine, I mean AV can only tell you what it sees (detects) but if you think there is something lurking the only sure way to certify that is to build a replacement machine. That’s a huge inconvenience to the user and I almost issued the command to have that done because the fucker wouldn’t call me back once I reached out. Of course, I send an all clear email because I took over the machine and got the scan done. Then the fucker has been pestering me all afternoon but since he’s an “unknown” caller he goes to voicemail but won’t leave a message.

Now it’s time to take care of a title change aka a promotion. I got that done and then opted to do something I never ever do when I am on-call. I turned off my home computer. It is up 99.99% of the time. It’s great for ease of use. However, if you don’t give the machine a break now and then you run the risk of blowing a fan or power supply, at least that has been my experience. Well when I started it back up hours later, I got an error message that the CPU fan wasn’t detected. See what I mean.

I got the machine to start backup, and took the case off. All of the fans were spinning. I turned it off and watched at start up. The fan on the CPU wanted to start spinning when power was applied but it froze. I got an error message, told the machine to boot anyway and then the CPU fan started up. This machine is 6 years old and that is well beyond the lifespan of an average home desktop computer. While I know that I will need a new machine eventually I am trying to put it off as long as possible. I did some shopping on-line and have an idea of what to expect if I opt to pull the trigger.

By now the day has gotten away from me. I had to start cleaning the house and physical activity caused my sugar to plummet like a rock. I kept pushing through until I just couldn’t take it any longer and then got to the kitchen and started consuming food like mad. Then time to rest. Watched a little TV and then got up. Time to put out medicine, I do this task once every 3 weeks and I hate it with a passion.

I wanted to write a completely different post that I have been suppressing and need to just get it out to feel better but here I sit bitchin. As if all of this isn’t bad enough my MS Office Suite decided to become corrupt so I had to reinstall it.

It’s been a busy and stressful day. I am glad it’s time to call it quits. Looking forward to some Chocolate Chip Oatmeal in the morning. It’s a new flavor and I had to try it. Hot cereal (what I can eat) all blends together after a while. Plus, I eat so fast that I really don’t enjoy it because I am rushing so much. I did this prior to COVID. I had a small amount of time to gobble and then it was shower time and after that it was get dressed and get out the door. You never know what traffic will be like and better to be ahead than behind. While I will likely not have to worry about traffic for the foreseeable future at some point the game will change and life hopefully will return to a state of normal.

Best news that I have to offer is that I have some time off coming the start of next month. I still have a morning task to preform at work but that usually only takes 30 minutes. Then the rest of the day is all mine and hopefully no one will bother me. Of course, just as I got approval, I learned that another co-worker is taking time as well for surgery and that kind of took me by surprise. He’s older and I just don’t have a good feeling about it.

Well I need to get away from this screen because I will be back here and trapped in the morning. I’m glad that that cats are so forgiving. Let’s hope I don’t catch too much hell when I go upstairs. Now it hits me I’ve still got to deal with laundry. Oh joy, the cherry on the cake of my day. I suppose it can always be worse no matter how bad it is.  Best part is that tomorrow is a brand new day and we start fresh.  Hopefully things won’t go off the rails. 

Here’s hoping that you had a better day than me. Were in for lots of stormy weather this week and I think with that will come some sleep interruptions but hopefully not. Talk with you peeps again soon. Take care and be well.

Stressful Week Done

I am glad that the week is done. On call hasn’t been terribly bad, thus far. We had several people leave yesterday; it was expected. They are students that are hired for summer work and when it gets close to back to school, off they go. Me and a colleague divided up the list when it was time for them to start and I thought it was only fitting to do the same as they were leaving. He had an event to go to but promised that he would get his part done yesterday. Well he claimed that the hotel where he was staying had flaky internet so he wasn’t able to get his part done yesterday. Now he claims that he will do his part today but I suspect there will be yet another delay. He thinks I am going to take his part but as much as it’s killing me, I am giving him room and waiting to see what he does with it. The immediate danger has been removed because I turned off everyone’s account yesterday, that was part of the plan. There is more work to departing someone than just flipping a switch in our environment, although in other environments it’s all automated where as our process involves lots of moving parts. I couldn’t imagine just issuing a command and that being the end of it. However, maybe someday that will be the case. One can dream.

I had an internal public speaking engagement that my boss signed me up for, I did it all from the comfort of my home but still I was addressing a large audience. I knew the subject matter but still I stressed about it all week long. I am glad that it’s over with. Sort of like ripping off a band-aid, better to just get it over with. It was kind of fun and once I started talking and concentrating, I forgot all about being nervous. One of our C-Suite Executives was in the meeting. I saw he was invited but he almost never attends, well yesterday was that one rare time. I threw in some sugar & spice to be nice because I knew I was being watched. I got accolades from my peers, nothing yet from management and I honestly don’t expect to hear anything.

On more of a personal note, I got caught up in a series on HBO called I’ll Be Gone in the Dark. It’s a crime series and involves Patton Oswalt’s late wife who was a crime writer. She actually started a book, died unexpectedly when all of the pieces were just starting to come together and Patton as well as friends of hers that were collaborating with her finished the book. It was really good. In case you’re not aware Patton Oswalt is a comedian and I watched some of his stand-up act. In one show he talks about being widowed and when I hear that someone lost their spouse, I just feel a connection to them because I am in similar shoes. His case was worse than mine in that he has a little girl and telling a child has to be a horrifically upsetting event.

My insomnia kicked in this morning at 4am. Plus, Gator has been yowling at night. She spends time in my bathroom which is not good at all. All of the cats I have had that start spending time in the bathroom wind up dying. It’s like they are trying to tell me they are sick or something is wrong. With her I see nothing other than possible dementia. It sucks when your sound asleep and she decides to get started because she is loud to start with, then the bathroom amplifies the sound and it just rips your heart out. She does it during the day when it’s time for lunch or she misses me and needs a reminder that I am still in the house. Her Brother did this as well but he was in pain and once we got his pain under control and him on medicine for his knee, he doesn’t do it unless he wants attention or food and no more middle of the night wake up calls. My hope is that Gator settles down. She is the only cat that I have owned that didn’t’ require a trip to the vet. In fact, the last time she was there I think was to have her staple removed from when she was fixed. I mean that in the singular term because she took the rest of them out on her own and that was the second set. The first set she ripped out on the way home from the vet after she was released. I had to take her back and they put a second set in at $150 and within an hour after wards she was pulling them out. How she healed is beyond me but she did. As for the future well, I am waiting for her to guide me on what to do. If I can’t figure it out then we will involve the vet.

Of the interesting things I ate this week a new bowl by Stouffer’s, Tender Steak & Potatoes. Of course, I do like some good tube steak, that’s the only kind I crave. Wink, Wink! I hate steak but this did not disappoint. It was tender and full of flavor. The best steak I have ever had was at Ruth Chris where they sear the steak in butter it’s so tender but also so expensive. It’s about supper time and I am going to have some Stouffer’s frozen Lasagna. I’ve got some extra shredded Italian Blend cheese to put on top to help enhance it. As frozen foods go Stouffer’s does a really good job but you pay a premium to buy brand name. Personally, I think it’s worth it if you can afford it. My favorite Lasagna is fresh and comes from Maggiano’s. I have yet to find anything to rival it but I am always looking.

I hope to get in some quality time with the cats, watch TV and play on my phone. Eventually falling asleep. Never mind that we slept a good portion of the day away and it was fun. Gator curled up in bed with me and didn’t leave my side.

I hope that you had a great week and are having an even better weekend. Thanks for stopping by. I will talk with you peeps again soon.

Talk and it vibrates

Modern Technology has advanced so far that they make a vibrator that is controlled with your voice. Just when you thought you have seen it all, something new pops out of the wood work and amazes you. I’m not ordering one but was surprised. Could you imagine having the vibrator turn on while it was stored away, just when company came over or maybe your parents dropped by for a visit, All because someone was playing around with the remote control and talking into it. How fun would it be to explain that?

Thus far everyone that could possibly have to sort through my affairs after I pass away already knows I am gay. They have no idea of the vast amount of porn and the toys that I have. Some of them will really raise some eyebrows and presuming I don’t get rid of any of it before I pass away, I’d love to be a fly on the wall when certain people make the amazing discovery. I’m not a saint, nor do I profess to be one.

On to another subject. A doctor that used to treat me passed away. We grew up with most of his kids. It’s amazing to see that a couple of them went into medicine. Like Father, Like Son. Since the family was Roman Catholic and had money, all of his kids went to Catholic Grade and High School. I switched over to public, why pay for the same thing your tax dollars are already paying for? Besides that, public high school had more kids and was much more diverse. Anyway, looking at photos that were posted on line of the kids back in the day brought back some memories.

Yesterday a couple people got fired. I knew and worked closely with one of them. I had a mega crush on him when he first started but that quickly wore off once he showed his true colors. He was one of those guys who could talk a good game and do great PR but when the rubber met the road, he threw the ball over the fence in the hopes someone else would pick it up. I was on the receiving end of many of his “hot potatoes” and it wore thin quickly. To fire someone now since were all working remote, they call a Zoom meeting and tell you that way. I think that is a horrible way to learn that your loosing your job but I suppose there are worse ways. I know we warn people ahead of time and use progressive discipline but it still sucks to see someone loose their job, even if it is their fault. It’s a little worse now that COVID hit but I get that it’s just business and business has no feelings or emotion in it. It’s part of my job to turn off access when someone leaves regardless of how they are leaving. I can’t help it that I am human and have feelings, so some people I am happy to see leave and others well be it circumstances or because I really liked working with them, makes it difficult. I still soldier on and do what I have to. What’s worse is when you know in advance the axe is going to fall and you can’t tell the person. I mean you could but then you’d be right behind them.

I really had high hopes of catching up today but I am still behind. There were several unplanned things that occurred that I had to deal with since I am the on-call person and that does take away from one’s productivity. What I really wanted to accomplish was getting the dreaded monthly report I am responsible for started and all of my work done. I have to wait on others to complete their parts but I always feel better when my part is out of the way.

The cats are doing well and keeping me busy with their demands of food, water and attention. Right now, it’s unusual because it’s 7p and I am blogging from the couch. Gator is in my room asleep. Marv is on the floor asleep. Normally they spend the night with me on the couch until it’s time for bed. We did have a bit of time together when my day was done but Marv had to have his food. I’m really glad they are here!

As for me, well I am hanging in there as they say. I picked up something different from the store. White Cheddar Mac & Cheese Balls. They are filled with Mac & Cheese plus a little bit of rice and some peppers. I had one last night and it wasn’t what I was expecting but it was good. I had plans to have the other one tonight but opted instead to have some Spaghetti and Meat Balls. Pretty good. I also got a new unusual treat. Klondike the ice cream bar company came out with Boston Cream Donuts. It’s an ice cream bar that has a hole in the middle to resemble a donut and it’s flavored. They are really good. I am not a Boston Cream fan but it’s hard to go wrong when it comes to ice cream. So here I sit enjoying some good food but food that isn’t good for me. Growing sideways as I age. There are worse ways to spend the day.

Nothing on the list to record tonight until 8p when the Rachel Maddow Show comes on. I will turn on the TV and browse You-Tube videos, maybe go have one of those ice cream donuts and wait until it gets a bit later. Grab a shower and call it a day. Then we start fresh again tomorrow. Here’s hoping that I can catch up.

Thanks for stopping by. I do hope that you are well and life is being kind to you. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon.

Loosing my religion

 It’s a great song by REM and I figured it was appropriate for this post.  I wanted to talk about Religion & God.  It seems to be a hot topic and just like politics, you’re not supposed to talk about it because it can cause tempers to flair.  What works for one person doesn’t work for another and as the saying goes different strokes for different folks.  The purpose of this post is just to inform you of my beliefs, I am not looking to start a war or to anger anyone.  Life is too short for that. 

I was raised Roman Catholic and went to Catholic grade school up until the 5^th grade (mid semester).  The school had some lay teachers but mostly I was educated by Nuns.  In second grade I thought I wanted to become a priest.  Everyone made fun of me for that.  My grandfather thought it was a great idea.  That would be one of the few times we would see eye to eye. 

Our parish priest was run out of town because a good portion of the parishioners thought he was gay.  Turns out years later I found out that he was in fact gay.  This was covered up with the excuse that he became an alcoholic and he was reassigned.  We got a new priest and it was odd to adjust to, but he was a decent guy. 

The gay priest that was run out of town still owned a home that he purchased so he was frequently back in the area.  As I got older, he made a request for me to come and do some yard work for him.  He was a slave driver and if you told him you were done, he inspected and then you found out you weren’t done.  He paid very cheaply as well.  He had rented out the house to a guy who he called a friend.  The guy was gay and I didn’t have much interaction with him.  I know your probably thinking this is where I am going to tell you that I was molested or sexually abused.  Nope, nothing ever happened.  Never mind that we were both gay, I had yet to discover my sexuality.  I did keep in touch with the priest but stopped working for him, manual labor just wasn’t my thing.

I went through the motions or ritual of the Catholic Church.  However, as I was growing up both me and my younger brother went to a Baptist Church for day care, which eventually turned into after school care.  Vacation Bible School was part of the program there and all of the kids had to go.  They took us to church and had their alter call.  I don’t know if I felt guilt or was just enamored by the whole ordeal but I answered an alter call and said that I wanted a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  My grandmother came unhinged and shut that down quickly.  I was Catholic and that’s all there was to it.  It was a simple misunderstanding.  I felt that the Protestants had more entertainment and less church than the Catholics.  It was more enjoyable and I had more of a good time than anything. 

Fast forward to around the age of 18 when I had just completed High School.  I met my spouse and he was Assembly of God.  That’s Pentecostal which was nothing even remotely close to Catholic.  I went to church with him a couple times and then decided that I wanted to convert.  My grandparents were heart broken by my decision.  However, I was an adult [under the law] and old enough to make my own decisions.  It was not as if the door to the Catholic Church was shut on me, I was always welcome back. 

My grandmother developed a Brain Tumor which altered her personality and decision making.  We all saw it but none of us could pin-point what was wrong with her.  I got her a doctor’s appointment and when she came home, she told me that she had a cyst and needed to take baths but that she was otherwise okay.  We gave it a few days but clearly, she still wasn’t herself and things were getting worse and not better.  I called the doctor and got another appointment for her.  He ordered a cat scan and she came home mad as a wet hen at me.  She was at the point where she was through with me.  That simply meant what it implies, she wanted nothing more to do with me, she wouldn’t speak to me unless it was absolutely necessary.  Once you got her to that stage there was no coming back, she stuck to her guns.  In any case we got the results back and found out that she had a Brain Tumor.  She was admitted to the hospital and then we found out that it was cancerous and that it spread to her lungs.  She was a life long smoker so it was understandable.  However, she was in her early 60’s, still very young. 

I stuck to my faith in God, I prayed for her and had prayer going for her at church.  She made some progress and was able to come home.  Then we all started fighting over her and she got worse.  We had to put her back in the hospital and they induced her into a coma.  It was pretty bad because she started calling for her dead sister [a sister who passed when I was very young and didn’t get to meet]. 

I was with my spouse at his original home and we were praying.  He got a call from God that told him to get me to the hospital as quickly as possible.  Him and God well they had a direct line to each other.  There was only one problem we were in late December; it was late and there was a massive snow storm.  Still he drove us [he knew how to drive a car well] and we raced there.  The entire way he told me to pray.  Keep in mind that my grandmother was in a coma and hadn’t spoken for days.  She was on a feeding tube.  We arrived at the hospital and magically she was awake, alert and oriented.  She couldn’t talk that well but we did have a conversation.  Things went very well and I didn’t want to leave despite it being well after visiting hours.  I had to be pried away from her.  I was so excited to see some progress and I was quick to tell the rest of the family that I thought she was getting better.  The next evening, she died.  I was the last person she spoke to. 

I viewed her being awake and able to carry on a conversation with her as a miracle because she wasn’t supposed to be talking with me.  For God to take her from me was a huge disappointment but I remain thankful to this very day that I was able to talk with her one last time, even though I didn’t know it would be our last conversation.  We parted on good terms, she was no longer angry at me and was truly herself and not in an altered personality.  That warmed my heart. 

I went on to become a member of my spouse’s church.  Things were going well and then politics entered as they do in most churches.  I didn’t see them as a Catholic but they were there.  At any rate the church split.  I was with the ½ of the church that was for our pastor who was a good guy and had done nothing wrong.  We went on to form a smaller congregation and eventually we [me and my spouse] elected to stop going.  It was more of a chore.  We had to go further away, meet late on Sunday afternoon and it was honestly more of a hassle than anything. 

We both still prayed but our connections with God or at least mine became distant.  I saw him work before.  I saw him work again when my spouse had a bad accident and shouldn’t have walked away but did.  Then I saw my spouse suffer his first stroke, he was told he would never walk again and would have problems speaking.  He went on to regain his speech and mobility.  There are other events that I am sure God played a part in but I lost touch. 

My spouse passed away shortly after Easter but prior to that he became interested in some series that I can only remember as The Christ but according to Google there isn’t anything like that at least that’s my findings from the cursory search I did.  Anyway, we had a talk about 2 days before his second stroke hit.  He told me that I needed to strengthen my faith and not waffle, God is there and he is real.  All I have to do is believe and have faith.  He said something like I told God to take me and I told him that I wished he wouldn’t have said that.  He asked me why and I told him because your going to die.  He was having some further mobility problems and some of the affects from the first stroke were starting to reoccur like having balance issues.  Little did I know that it was because he stopped taking his medicine. 

I’m glad that I didn’t become a priest because if I did chances are, I would have been caught up in the sexual scandal that rocked the Catholic Church.  Sexual abuse has been going on long before this scandal came to light.  I never did understand why one had to be celibate and couldn’t get married.  I think that caused a lot of the trouble.  I mean were all only human and humans have desires.  One can only repress or ignore their sexual feelings for so long before they eventually wind up giving in. 

As you probably guessed my belief in God has wavered.  I listen to people like the Late George Carlin who refers to God as an invisible man in the sky.  He always needs money but you can’t see him.  If your interested just give it a Google I am sure you could hear the whole routine. 

I also refer to a time when I was sick, still living in my childhood home after my grandmother had passed.  I got up out of bed because I needed to use the restroom.  I remember walking from my room to the bathroom entrance and closing the door behind me.  After that things got foggy.  I got this horrible pain in my stomach and can remember bending over.  When I woke up about a ½ hour later I found myself across the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my head.  Just before I woke up, I remember seeing a bright light.  It was the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life and then presto fully awake and confused.  I got up and figured out that I had passed out and hit my head on the sink, I needed stiches.  I went from fully awake to no memory, no existents at all.  I remember being winded from the pain and who knows if I actually stopped breathing for a moment but I suspect I did.  My point here is that I didn’t see God, I didn’t see my dead Grandmother – I simply stopped existing for a few moments. 

When I get into a jam I still pray as I am sure many people do.  I became an Ordained Minister, by the power vested in the internet and parting with some cash, I can officially marry, bury and preform other ceremonies.  It’s something that I always wanted to do.  To date I have yet to use it.  I thought it would be neat to have the clergy sticker and park in the clergy spot at the hospital when I go for my blood draws as it’s better parking but again I have yet to do it. 

Today I still waiver if there is a God and if there isn’t.  What if when we die the lights just get turned off and we leave our shell of a body.  There truly isn’t a heaven or hell.  What exactly is a soul?  Why can’t I see God?  Sure, I have felt his work but what if that wasn’t his work but rather a stroke of good luck?  It’s all very confusing.  Someone once said to me when I started to talk about God, how can you say there is a God when babies die?  Yeah, I can’t answer that.  I mean were all essentially born to die when you think about it.  Why have some of the bad things like the death of my spouse, the difficult time I had afterwards and the criminal event I described in a past post occur?  If there was a God surely, he would only want the best for me.  He wouldn’t want me to suffer.  Why did he take my family from me?  It’s all a twist. 

It’s odd that you can take a “bad person” who is a criminal and lock them up.  They will soon find Jesus or God.  Most everyone in Prison talks about a higher power in some form or fashion.  The same is true if you get into a recovery group like for alcohol or drugs, it’s actually part of the 12-step program. 

I have a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of confusion.  I don’t know if I will ever sort it out before it’s too late.  All I can tell you for sure is that if there is a Heaven and I will be reunited with all of my family, then that’s where I want to be when I die. 

A new week

Last week is finally over and now we march into a new week. What fresh hell will I encounter? I will be on-call and I never look forward to those weeks. It happens once a week, every 3 weeks. On-call is common in a technology job. I wish that I could find a role that had no on call. I don’t know what I would do be sides enjoy my life and power my phone off a lot more. Seriously, I feel like it’s a full moon when I am on call, the odd stuff happens or at the very least I get lots of problems. Once and a while I manage to get a quiet week and I’m kind of hoping that is what occurs this time around.

One of my favorite TV shows is coming back on Showtime, called The Circus. It’s a political show and they always seem to work food into the show, usually at the opening. Some of the dishes they eat look really good but they all have one thing in common, they aren’t cheap. Especially when your drinking liquor. My other favorite Showtime show is Shameless, which is supposed to air its final season and if COVID didn’t mess that up it should happen later in the year, but I don’t know anything for certain yet. Keeping an ear out to see what I can learn.

Anyways, I mentioned Showtime because I added it back to my TV package. I had a choice take just ShowTime or add another tier on for $3 more. I chose to add the Tier on, it will give me a few more channels, even though I can’t watch them all at once, I am charged as if I do.

When I paid my bills last week, I looked at my bill chart and saw what I refer to as surprise charges. Auto Insurance will start up again and since I get my mail at a PO BOX, rent will be due again. It’s really tight around here since I had to take a pay cut at work. I will be glad when that comes to an end and my income goes back to normal. I am thankful that I am able to keep paying my bills as normal.

I should have some money coming in when my mortgage company balances the Escrow account. I also just shipped my old phone off this morning so in a couple weeks I will have a check for it and then there is a medication rebate that I will be getting probably later this month or early next.

There is a new place that opened last year, it’s a burger, hot dog and ice cream place. I’ve never been and thought why not treat myself. I found out they serve Chicago Hot Dogs and that is one of my favorite things. They are damned expensive though. I got 3 of them and an order of Onion Rings. That was $16. They were very good and I forgot how filling those dogs were. I had 2 plus the onion rings last night. This afternoon I finished off the last one.

I managed to screw myself and not in the good way. My printer told me that it had a firmware update. I’m big on updates so I applied it. Now my counterfeit ink won’t work in it. I had to replace two cartridges before the printer would start up. Brand name ink is a killer on the wallet and if you can get the same thing at a lower price why not do it? I do realize it’s not genuine manufacturer ink but I think it’s wrong for a brand to hold you hostage and demand & require that you purchase their ink or you simply can’t print. I am a plan ahead kind of guy so I was fortunate in that I had brand name ink on hand. I ordered more reluctantly because it seems I have no other option. If you wonder where they make money in the printer business, it’s with the ink. They give the printer away for a low price. In some cases, it’s cheaper to get a new printer than to buy ink. If you purchase an ink jet printer that runs on cartridges or a laser printer that runs on toner, the originals you get in the box are only ½ full. The newer and more modern way to print is by getting a tank-based printer where you buy bottles of ink and fill the tank. They last for much longer but they also cost much more. I don’t print a lot which works to be a disadvantage to me because think of it liquid ink well it dries up and that means I have to replace cartridges more often because the printer sees the cartridge as empty quicker. I wish I was in the printer business; I would be rolling in the dough.

My Marvin got his feelings hurt last night and went off and cried then hide under the couch. I was able to lure him back out and then got on the floor with him for about a ½ hour. It was time dedicated to him. I was able to make him feel good by petting and scratching him. Plus, I did some grooming, which he hates but I want him to look his best even if he is old. He felt so good that he went back to my room with his sister and we spent the rest of the evening together. Normally he gets time with me on the couch but when Friday comes, I don’t want to be near the couch because I’ve been there all week. So, we hang out in my room. Marv is okay with it on Friday but come Saturday he wants his couch time back.

Gator god her water fountain cleaned and the filter changed. It’s there for both of them but she is the only one that will drink from it and Marv drinks from a bowl in my room. It was something I started when Momma was dying and I wanted to make it easier for her so she didn’t have to walk all the way to the kitchen just to get a drink. Ever since she passed, they won’t permit me to get rid of the bowl, so it stays to appease them. After all it’s their house I just pay the bills, buy the food and provide medical care. Trust me they live quite the life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s password change time for me at work and I am having such a difficult time thinking of something new. This is the only place where I don’t use a password vault to generate the password because who can remember random letters, numbers and symbols. Not this guy. Plus, I have to do some minor work and I’ve been putting it off. I can go another 5 days before my password expires but why wait when it’s this close might as well get it over with. You and I both know I will be mistyping it for a couple days.

The lawn guy came this morning which was a complete surprise because he wasn’t due to be here until tomorrow. I just wish that he wouldn’t have shown up when I had just fallen asleep in my nap. That woke me up. Then when he was done, Gator woke me up to tell me he was done. How thoughtful. Then I get back to my nap and Marv comes in and announces that it’s lunch time. No rest for me.

I’ve got some house cleaning to do which I want to do even less than changing my password. Then I’ll be making a frozen pizza for supper. Watching some episodes of Happy Days, a new Last Week Tonight and then it will be time for bed.

I got some new Steel Cut Cinnamon Oatmeal for breakfast that I am looking forward to trying. I hope it tastes as good as they did on marketing it. The cost wasn’t cheap either. Some how I managed to escape the grocery store and spend less than $100 but it wasn’t by much.

That is really all that is happening in my world at the moment. I hope that things are going good in your world and that you are all happy & safe. Take care and we will talk again soon.

Wrongfully Convicted

I watched the series Outcry, season 1 that covers the story of Greg Kelley.  Mr. Kelley is in High School and seems to have the world by the tail when he is wrongfully accused and convicted of molesting a child.  As the series unfolds you learn of a second victim who recants his story when the case goes to trial.  This was an amazing series that covered this story and how Mr. Kelley got a very raw deal.  He had several [5 in total I believe] years of his life taken from him.  He was set to go to College and play football and odds were that he would have gone pro.  That possibility still remains today.  I was beyond thrilled when I learned in the last episode that he was exonerated and found innocent of the charges he was originally convicted of.  He’s a very handsome young man who appears to still have a bright future ahead of him as well as some money coming his way from being wrongfully convicted and imprisoned.  If you have Showtime, I highly recommend watching this show. 

Much more familiar to most people is the Making a Murder documentary that aired on Netflix.  Where 2 people were convicted of murdering a woman.  If you’re somehow not familiar with this I also highly recommend watching this series.  I do have my doubts about the innocents of Steven Avery, but the more that time goes on the less and less those doubts remain.  I am 100% convinced that his nephew Brendan Dassey was wrongfully convicted and is in prison serving a sentence that he shouldn’t be.  He was spoon fed information and confessed to something that he didn’t do.  It’s outrageous that he has exhausted all of his legal avenues for appeal.  Just a very sad case and a life taken away from a boy who was mentally challenged at the time of his confession, he didn’t realize that his life was at stake.  He thought if he told the police what they wanted to hear that he could go back to school and resume his life.  Yes, I am 100% serious – it’s in the movie. 

Then there is the movie Dream Killer, which tells the story of Ryan Ferguson.  Who was also in High School.  Because a friend of his had a dream that he killed a newspaper reporter and implicated Ryan.  Both Ryan and his friend were wrongfully convicted.  Ryan ultimately was exonerated and found innocent of the charges he was originally convicted of.  Today he is free.  I followed this case as it was unfolding and it was mind blowing on how he got in this predicament because someone had a dream that he did it. 

Little do you know that its highly probable in today's society to be convicted of a crime or crimes that you are completely innocent of.  I do realize that most people that are convicted profess their innocence and say that the system failed them and the police have it all wrong.  That’s why once your found guilty it’s a complete uphill battle to get the conviction overturned and vacated.  Not to mention that Criminal Defense Attorneys [like all attorneys] charge a large hourly rate and it will require a lot of time and money.  If your lucky you can get a decent attorney who will fight for your rights on a pro-bono [free] basis. 

As you can well imagine there is countless amounts of emotions that these people experience, most of which is depression and sadness as well as anger.  However, when you see a wrongfully convicted person win the amount of joy that they express is uncontrollable and you can’t help but feel joy for them and shed a tear, two or in some cases many. 

One day my life changed forever.  I found myself the prime suspect in a criminal investigation for an incident that occurred.  Understand that I am being vague for a reason and I am unable to fully share all of the details.  In fact, saying what little bit I am is a bit risky in my book, but I am doing so just to help open people’s eyes that YES THIS IN FACT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!  Because it happened to me!  You’re living your life as an average upstanding citizen and some law enforcement official gets a hard on and wants to put you in jail because they think you committed a crime that you didn’t.  It’s only logical to conclude that the truth will set you free and that you can explain your way out of it.  Well friends, that’s where your dead wrong.  In the Miranda warning your given ahead of any questioning they say “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law”.  That isn’t just a happy phrase it’s the truth, anything and everything you say is spun around and used against you, no matter how innocuous you think it is, to some sharp legal shooter they can turn everything around so that nothing you say appears to be credible, that’s their job, they are quite good and they do it for a living each and every day.  That’s the advantage that you don’t have. 

Needless to say, that I had the shit scared out of me, which is exactly where they wanted me to be since I wouldn’t willingly confess.  There was no evidence against me and without a confession law enforcement was powerless.  The best piece of advice I can give you is that if you find yourself in a situation like this, say nothing and demand an attorney.  That is your legal right and it’s better to let a person who’s job it is to defend people help you game plan and find an appropriate path forward.  Most criminal defense attorneys are used to working with clients that are guilty.  On a rare basis they get a client who is innocent and they can feel it and see it beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

In my case, my spouse had passed I went through several years of hell where I had to fight to keep a roof over my head as well as fight for what was legally and rightfully mine.  Get passed all of that, get a good job and I thought the worst thing in my life happened, I have survived a real-life nightmare and there isn’t anything worse.  Little did I know what was around the corner waiting for me. 

This involves my family and I fully believe that I was setup to take the fall [framed].  Something like this can divide a family and in fact it did.  On the advice of counsel, I didn’t speak with my family.  This was difficult because at the time my mom was in a nursing home because she could no longer care for herself, she had the physical ability but lacked the mental ability.  Sadly, I didn’t get to say goodbye to her and explain why I had to shut her out and that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.  She died suddenly.  I have my doubts if my mom was in on it but if she didn’t request me to help her, which is what started the wheels in motion, I would have avoided this most unfortunate and frightening experience.  I blindly walked in thinking I was going to do a favor for her and little did I know that things would go awry. 

My family has always been jealous of me because I was able to make something of myself, that’s to say I was able to have a decent job and earn a respectable living.  There was no question that I earn more than them.  This is despite the fact that my mom and brother both had advanced education beyond me.  I was the one who was always told that I wouldn’t amount to anything and the tables turned because I fought to earn everything I have ever had.  I wasn’t given anything in life and to this day that remains true.  Fighting all of your life gets exhausting and you tire and want to give up.  There is a fight or drive in me that won’t permit me to give up, even when I want to and I am tired.  This surprises me to this day.  I am beyond grateful and thankful for what I have.  It’s not much but it’s far more than anyone ever thought I would have and it’s more than I imagined in my wildest dreams.

To think that everything could be gone in the blink of an eye that was terrifying.  I left for work each morning saying goodbye to my cats in tears, not knowing if I would return home.  I had problems concentrating at work, but somehow managed to do my job although I did make some mistakes.  I went to bed each night wondering if there would be a knock on the door.  Never mind the fact that I didn’t commit a crime nor do anything illegal.  I found out first-hand how exactly expensive hiring a criminal defense attorney is and I had to take out a loan to come up with the retainer and then shell out a considerable amount more to cover hourly costs and expenses once the retainer was exhausted.  I was never arrested or charged.  It was a horrible experience and one that I hope to never, ever repeat.  The most criminal offense that I am guilty of is speeding and I’ve been caught a time or two.  I have no luck, I couldn’t commit a crime beyond speeding and get away with it, my conscience would eat me alive.  I remember telling the police that if I did what I was being accused of I would own up to it but I can’t confess to something I am innocent of.  I do like to solve problems; I am better at solving other people’s problems than my own.  I think that might well be true for many people.  This matter was no different and I do believe I have figured out the guilty parties but on the advice of counsel I have to remain silent.   Yet to this day I want to scream from the mountain top and let them dig, if I am wrong so be it but odds are, I am dead on balls accurate.  I want someone to pay for the unnecessary hell I went through and the money that I had to piss away.  It matters not who that person or persons are.  I can keep a secret but this one is really difficult.  It’s frustrating that law enforcement didn’t see what was right in front of their face the whole time.  It was equally as frustrating that it took me as long as it did to figure it out. 

Needless to say, that my ears perk up when I hear about a wrongful conviction.  Watching a story unfold in a movie or documentary is of great interest to me and it’s nice when it ends with the person being set free.  Of course, it would be great if they were never convicted in the first place.  I hope that my experience has opened your eyes a bit.  I do hope that no one is ever in the predicament that I was in but if you are, my advice is sound and practical.  Say nothing and demand an attorney.  Doing anything other than that will work to your detriment. 

Crushing Hard

 

 

Looking for a companion, boyfriend, life partner, etc. is quite a challenge.  I think that our hetero sexual counterparts have it a bit easier.  Boy sees girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl out and history is made.  Sure, it doesn’t always turn out like that but I’ve never heard of a man getting punched in the nose just for asking for a date.  I have heard of a guy getting punched in the nose for hitting on another man and many worse things. 

In my quest, I have suffered embarrassment and heard the word no as if I was a door to door salesman.  Rejection is a huge part of dating and it sucks.  It can destroy yourself worth and have devastating consequences, so you have to be able to brush it off.  That’s a very difficult thing to do, but somehow one manages to keep on going. 

What attracts me to a guy.  That’s pretty simple and superficial but it’s all about his looks.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  The problem is finding out if he’s gay, single and interested.  That can be the difficult part or it can be quite obvious, kind of depends on the guy.  Personally, my gaydar isn’t the greatest.  Just as my perception of age isn’t the greatest either. 

Presently, I have two members of the media that I am interested in.  The one thing that I have 100% confidence in, is that they are both of legal age.  I don’t know if either of them is gay, single or interested in me.  It seems kind of awkward to reach out by phone or email and out of the gate ask are you gay and single?  I mean if I got a call or email like that it would throw up some serious red flags.  I don’t want to be embarrassed publicly and I doubt either of them would do that.  I just don’t quite know how I am going to overcome this and let them both know that I am interested in them.  This has been a dilemma that has plagued me for quite some time.  Then throw in the pandemic and it really kind of messes things up. 

If you have had any number of jobs chances are good that you have been through some type of sexual harassment awareness training.  I have learned multiple times that it’s not harassment if you ask for a date.  That’s a single request.  You can’t badger the person and if they say no, you can’t continue to ask.  In most cases that is the definition of harassment.  Just putting that out there for what it’s worth. 

The one thing that I don’t want is to date a co-worker.  We can work in the same building for different employers but even that is stretching it a bit too far.  Often relationships that are formed through work can turn into giant nightmares if you are at odds with the other person.  I’ve seen it more than once and it’s not pretty.  It’s for that very reason why I don’t want to get involved at work with anyone.  Prior to this pandemic, I did used to see some mighty fine-looking guys.  Since the pandemic, I see some attractive guys when I am out and that’s nice.  If I see someone that I would be interested in, I would have to bump into them on a regular basis at least two or three times before I would consider making a move.  It’s something that I’ve never done so I would probably just be direct about it and ask the guy if he wanted to grab a drink or a bite to eat.  I think that conveys my interest and lets the other person know without directly saying, hey are you single, gay and interested in me. 

I have been known to shy away from the aforementioned method of asking about getting together for a drink or bite to eat and just being creative.  I did that with a waiter once and he was gay but just not interested so rather than crushing my soul, he made up an excuse that I saw right through but understood. 

It’s right about now that Rolling Stones song comes in …. you can’t always get what you want.  Yeah, it’s true regardless of how much money or power you have.  Although I am quite confident if I had money the guys would be lined up beside my so-called long-lost relatives.  Considering where I am at right now, I would easily consider being a sugar daddy if I had money.  Since I don’t have money, well, there is no cost for dreaming. 

If you have any ideas or thoughts, I’m all ears.  Chances are this will turn into one of those roads not traveled and I will always be left to wonder, what if.  I know there is another guy out there for me.  The difficult part is finding him.  I don’t really want to go through all of the typical relationship BS with trial and error, rejection, finding out this one isn’t right and moving on.  I just don’t think I can take that.  However, I do realize that my chances of finding Mr. Right on the first try are slim to none. 

I met my late spouse when I was much younger and he was considerably older.  When he needed someone by his side, he knew that he could count on me.  I’d like to have the same stable person to count on that would be there for me.  I would really like to avoid dying alone but I kind of think that is what is going to happen.  My knowledgeable late spouse often told me, there is nothing lonelier than a lonely queer.  I used to nod my head in agreement.  Little did I know that someday that lonely queer would be me.