18 March 2016

Emotional Week

Remember the guy at work that I talked about?  He was the one that I was so mad a couple weeks ago.  Well this week something came over me and I told him that I had feelings for him.  Why did I do that?  I think it was emotions plus taking a chance.  He’s perfectly fine with it because he is secure in his sexuality.  Well long story short were done.  He’s what happened… a situation came up and it came out that I was just a coworker.  That really hurt me, more than he knows.  Partially because I have feelings for him and also because I thought of him as a friend.  He said that a friend has a different meaning to him.  He said that his work life and his personal life do not overlap and he will not allow them to.  So what is this business about him fixing me up with a friend and me being at his house all the time?  I mean clearly he wouldn’t invite a coworker to his house.  He started backpedaling once he knew that he hurt me and said your my friend.  Yeah, you can’t just make it so.  First you said I wasn’t now that I am on the verge of tears your changing your mind.  Either the lights are on or they are off, there is no middle ground, no maybe so.  It’s an absolute.  So he was just saying that as lip service. 

Taking a step back I probably overreacted a little bit but I made a sufficient investment in him as a friend.  I shared parts of my life that I only share with a select few and I think I am a pretty good judge of people, but now and then my skills seem to be off.  I didn’t realize I was talking to a first class whack job, because he never made it clear.  Had I known all of this up front he wouldn’t know a damn thing about me other than I work here and I have cats.  Like most people that are my coworkers.  My thought process is that he probably has some repressed homosexual feelings deep, deep down and he doesn’t want to act on them.  Not that he has a crush on me but considering my position I would be easy to take advantage of.  Truth be told there is a lot of truth in that statement, he could easily have his way with me, despite my morals.  When emotions figure in your saying never with a married man, never with a coworker, well they all can easily be tossed aside. 

So now what?  Well he told me that he would keep my secrets a secret.  I trust him enough to do that.  However, he changed our relationship from a friendship to coworkers so I am going to respect that boundary.  He said he still wants me to stop by and chat with him and to feel free to confide or talk with him.  Yeah I told him that won’t happen.  I don’t get that close to coworkers and stopping by to chat well that is inappropriate.  It’s something that I probably shouldn’t have started.  He is very disappointed that I will be treating him differently now, but he made that happen I didn’t just up and chose this.  I do talk with coworkers but they are friends as well, people that I talk with outside of work.  I don’t have anything to do with coworkers outside of work, unless they are friends.

He knows that I don’t have many friends and he really felt bad about the whole situation knowing that.  I told him that he was being an ass but that this was his decision, so I will respect it.  Professionally nothing will change, I will still provide him the same service as before. 

Our alleged friendship started over a remark I made one day about jumping off a bridge.  He had a relative commit suicide and he was the last person to speak with that person.  He had no idea that things were that bad.  Now he is hypersensitive and very much guilt ridden.  He opened up and said that I could talk with him.  Bottom line is he didn’t want me to jump off a bridge.  Just think if I did it now, that would t-totally fuck up his world. Tempting as it is I’ve actually got something to live for and he’s so not worth it. 

There is very much a hole in my heart and it’s difficult for me when I think of him or pass by where he sits.  I never let myself cry but I should have, then maybe all of the feelings I have would be gone.  Instead I am letting time form a callous around my heart and eventually I will be numb to the whole situation.  I already feel the anger and resentment brewing.  I can still admire his rocking body and be angry with him.

Work in an of it’s self has been quite the challenge the last few weeks.  This week is not without that exception.  Things are picking up and that makes me busy and creates stress.  I would rather the days fly by than sit here and twiddle my thumbs but at the same time I would like to be able to keep what little sanity I have left and be able to breathe.  If I change positions this will no doubt get worse.  However, so long as I don’t have to move and can stay put I would be a fool for passing up the opportunity to move up.  Chances like this don’t come up terribly often.  I feel reasonably well about it and will of course know more next week.  I haven’t said anything to my boss because my name is not officially in the candidate pool yet.  I know she won’t have a problem with it and will probably push to make it happen for me.  However, I know that at the same time she will hate to lose me as I am a great asset to her team as well as my local office.  Provided I get the new position it will sadden a lot of people, but I have to take care of myself no one is going to do it for me.

Ah, time to start the day.  I got here super early and thought I would take time to update you.  I am very thankful that today is Friday, it’s been a long week.  I am ready to decompress and actually look forward to it.  Talk with you all again soon.  Hope that all is well in your world.

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