My Cloud

Last night I was goofing around with my iPhone and decided to turn on iCloud backup.  They give you 5GB and well I was almost out of space.  So this morning I decided to signup that it would be a good deal, since every night when my phone is charging it would be backed up as well, why not.  I’ve seen a lot of people bit by the data loss bug and man do they cry the blues.  I’ve been bitten myself, so I think $40 is a decent investment for 1 year of service.  Plus that will cover both my iPhone and iPad not like I am getting any other Apple devices soon.

I got up way too early, but laid in bed for most of the morning.  Finally close to 9:30 I got up.  No shower, just dressed and out the door.  I went to breakfast at Bob Evans.  Not too bad but I wasn’t stuffed by any means.

Then on to the grocery store, but I took my time getting there.  I opened the sun roof and let the wind in, it’s a great day to just go for a drive.  On a day like this we would be out driving around somewhere just looking at what the world has to offer, maybe tracking down where a particular road goes.  I’d probably be bored 1/2 way through and fuss, then we would probably grab a bite to eat and take our time getting home.  We used to do things just like that.  Those are the things that I miss.  Fall was his favorite time of year.  It brought out his Testosterone.  But we also did manage to have plenty of good times going to the winery, driving around, eating out and just being together. 

I’ve got the windows open and the cats are going nuts.  I tried to take a nap but kept getting woke up by cats.  It’s probably for the best, sleep all day and I won’t sleep tonight.  I really don’t have much drive to do anything other than relax. 

I got the dishes done last night.  The laundry is going now and soon it will be trash time.  Then I have to figure out what is for supper tonight.  Frozen something.  I mean I could go out but I will talk myself out of it and just stay home because it’s cheaper.  Although there is a place not too far away that I have in mind to visit.

I’m using my Hulu Plus subscription but me and it don’t exactly get along.  I’ve got to go visit their webpage and see if I can personalize things much like Netflix allows.  You tell it what your interested in and they show you things that may appeal to you.  Granted most of it doesn’t but on occasion they hit the nail on the head. 

Reading medical records and writing the letter to the nurse have drugged up so many memories.  It’s like I am reliving April over again.  I actually thought about driving the letter over and hand delivering it but I changed my mind because well, that would be a little expensive and emotionally I don’t think I could have taken it.  When I left the Neuro ICU in April I said I would never be back and unless something traumatic happens I have no reason to go back.  I learned that they really tried to break up the clot by squirting it with Heparinized Saline and giving him Heparin, which is a blood thinner.  They did everything they could think of to try to right the wrong that was done, but unfortunately their efforts were in vain.  The damage had already been done and nothing they could do would fix it.  They documented that he stopped taking 1/2 of his meds because of cost reasons.  I never said that, but they put words in my mouth.  I honestly have no idea why he stopped taking his medicine.  The best that I can surmise is that he was confused, thought he was out of the medication and was waiting for a new supply to arrive.  I really wish things would have turned out differently.  You know that I we would have been at least able to communicate and say goodbye, but that didn’t happen either.  I went in and talked to a body laying in a bed, but he was comatose.  Everyone says you have to believe he could hear you.  The truth is I will never know, it’s just one of many things that I will go to my grave wondering about. 

I do know that we made our love clear to each other.  Sure we had bad times and we fought.  We had times where our relationship was on the rocks.  However, love sees you through times like that.  There is no doubt in my mind that he knew I loved him because I showed it in my actions.  I know that he loved me because he told me all the time.  He wasn’t a materialistic person like me, but there are a few gifts he gave to me.  Plus many valuable life lessons.  Now it’s just time for me to close that chapter of my life and move on.  Much easier said than done.  He was and will always be my everything. 

I can only hope and pray that God brings some other man into my life and that I can be blessed with a relationship like I had.  Right now I am just trying to breathe and honestly forget about the pain that I am in.  Work and staying busy helps with that.  However, there is always down time and that is usually when memories come alive and I think of what used to be.  I wake up in the morning hoping to see him and then realize oh yeah he’s gone.  I look at the urns and realize this is not a dream it’s reality and I have to keep on going. 

People say I should see someone for my depression.  Really?  I don’t think I am in depression, I think I am grieving a huge loss.  No one knows what I really had but me.  Everyone grieves differently.  It’s not like there is a schedule where you are only allowed 2 months to grieve for the loss of a spouse. You take your time to get it out of your system as much as possible.  Then you simply get used to the fact that they are no longer here.  You dust yourself off and get going again.  I’m going right now but haven’t completing the dusting off.

Well laundry and the children are calling.  So I guess I will answer them and maybe even get a shower.  What a grand idea.  Then figuring out what I am going to eat. 

I do apologize for being a Debbie Downer, I know people aren’t attracted to that but at the same time I have to have an outlet to share my feelings and well this is it!  I hope your having a great weekend and I will talk with you peeps later.