6 Months 1 Day

It’s very hard to believe and comprehend that it’s been six months and one day since I lost my partner.  We both always knew we would part ways through death but didn’t expect anything to happen this year.  This is truly a very trying time. 

I made a promise to him that I would make him proud of me.  I knew he already was but I meant in me going on without him.  In the past 6 months I have managed to sue and settle a Death Benefit Case to get paid money that was legally mine.  I obtained the Life Insurance Settlement.  I filed his LW&T with the Court.  I hired a few attorneys, most of which haven’t done jack.  I have managed to pay all of the bills on-time with out having to beg, borrow or steal.  I am taking care of the cats.  I’ve cleaned parts of the house.  It’s in livable shape but needs a lot of work still.  I have managed to only miss two weeks of work because of his death and not had any issues with getting out of bed in the morning, even though it’s the last thing I want to do. 

So all in all I would say that I have not done too bad and that I have kept my promise.  I wear or take with me my wedding ring each work day, I think of him every morning as I put it on and give it a kiss.  Wishing that I was kissing him instead of a piece of metal that he bought for me.  Even though I hate kissing. 

This place is far too quiet and his absence can be felt not only here but in the club that he was a long time member of.  While out of sight is out of mind for others, I will always remember him and the ways that he touched my life.  I think of him often when I am driving because he taught me how to drive.  I remember some of our early adventures, trips and motel stays.  We grew on each other slowly but eventually we were both joined at the hip and if it was the weekend, you wouldn’t see one of us without the other. 

I remember our first Christmas here and putting up a tree.  #1 son climbing it and always playing with the ornaments.  There are lots of memories that I hold dear to my heart.  They will always live on as long as I am alive. Sadly now all I have are those memories and photos of him.  God I miss him like crazy.  Absence does make the heart grow fonder.  I wish that I would wake up and this would all be nothing but a very long and bad dream but I know that won’t be the case. 

Between the pressures of work, the pressure of closing out his affairs and the pressure of every day living - - it’s no wonder that when Saturday gets here all I want to do is sleep and veg.  I am up to my eye balls in pressure and there seems to be no relief in sight. 

The mortgage company that I thought would be able to help me, can’t.  They only help with new purchases, so I can abandon this place and go buy a new place.  I said the house is owned by the trust and I control the trust.  The trust would be selling the property to me and thus I would be buying the house.  I was told that won’t fly because I have inherited the property.  So I am still in the pickle barrel, looking, hoping and praying for a way out.  I hope the attorney that calls the present lender will be able to do some good and not cause any bad to happen.  However, if I am going to be foreclosed on I would rather do it now and stop making house payments, take my year and slowly pack things away and find a new place to live.  Reality is that I don’t want to be foreclosed on at all. 

I miss my guy and wish he were here to help me through this rough time, then again if he were here things wouldn’t be nearly as bad as they are.  Now if you will excuse me I am going to wipe up my tears and go check out what a Frozen Mexican Pizza tastes like.  Ole!