12 July 2013


I suppose you thought I wasn’t going to post anything today, that I forgot.  Nope, I went out to lunch and it was a totally crazy busy day.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon fixing a computer that a user infected by using Shop At Home.  She had all sorts of malware on her machine.  In fact it’s so bad that today she is still having problems and I am building her a new machine.  Keep in mind that I just replaced her machine less than 6 months ago.  She has some complicated software that cuts checks and I have to talk to a Chinese guy to figure out how to make it work.  I took notes the last time but I will be damned if I can tell you where I put them. 

As if that isn’t bad enough I have a laptop to get out next week.  I think I will make it, provided next week people leave me alone a little more.  It’s either that or I will be working later nights to get it done.  Ugh!

Last night I came home walked in to my room and said wow, it smells like cat pee.  Yep he did it again.  This time at the bottom of the bed, so I wouldn’t notice or at least find it until it was almost too late. 

I found myself sleeping on a towel on top of my matress last night.  I really sacked out, so much so that the alarm clock woke me up and I really didn’t want to get out of bed.  I will be doing the same thing tonight in the hopes that I can really get my sleep on tomorrow.  The only way I can ensure that my room stays cat pee free is to close the door.  I hate to do that to the rest of the family but I really have no choice in the matter.  Apparently the Feilaway Diffuser has lost it’s effect or either he is mad at me or both.  Who knows?

Outside of going cat food shopping and going to a friends house for dinner I really have nothing going.  Of course there are the usual weekend chores but they will get done in due time. 

I’ve got a couple things on my mind.  The sunglasses and letter I wrote to the “friend” of ours.  Well I didn’t put a return address on them and I am fairly certain he got them.  He hasn’t bothered to respond.  You’d think that if you were a true friend, you would reach out and say your sorry or at the very least speed up getting together.  I truly believe I’ve been dumped and I felt that way when I sent the package.  This just solidifies it for me.  That really hurts, but life goes on.

The other thing I can’t seem to shake is wanting to get together with one of my old bosses.  Yeah I’ve got a crush on him and yes he is straight and has a family.  I know there is no chance of anything happening.  I just want to seek his advice and be in his company.  It’s been years since we last talked.  I can’t say that he will or won’t make time for me, but I have to at least try.  So I guess if I can join a gay dating service, I can ask him if he wouldn’t mind meeting up sometime.  The worst he can say is no.

I decided to come home and eat the lunch I packed for supper.  For that I will reward myself by going out to breakfast.  Not exactly the same thing, but it will be cheaper or so I think.  Waffle House is starting to sound good.  Been a while since I was there.  Of course I haven’t been there by myself yet.  We always went everywhere together and eating out was one of our perks. 

I started watching a new NetFlix series called Orange is the new Black.  It’s got Jason Biggs in it, he played Jim in the American Pie movies.  I’m not attracted to him but I will admit he is the reason why I am watching the show.  He is a good actor!  Anyway, the premise of the story is that he proposed to a woman.  She used to be a Lesbian and one time she carried 50 thousand dollars of drug money in a suit case from an airport.  She got caught, she thinks her lover turned her in.  In any case she is given jail time in a Federal Prison.  Apparently she was given some time before she had to self surrender.  Watching those two part really hurt me.  No I didn’t cry at least not on the outside but on the inside I sure did. 

So you get a glimpse of what prison life is supposedly like.  Not sure how close to real it is.  Some of it is real like when alarms go off, they have to hit the deck.  You are stripped searched and yes you have to squat and cough.  I only know this from visiting someone in prison.  I personally have never been arrested for anything.  The most trouble I have gotten myself into is a couple of traffic tickets for speeding and I was young when that happened.  For the record no Gods I am not trying to anger you and I don’t need a ticket.  In any case, these two love birds aren’t together anymore because she is in prison.  She calls home and tells him how much she misses him.  He can visit her.  I can’t call, can’t write, can’t visit – I am separated from the love of my life forever.  Just typing that on the screen hurts more than you can imagine.  I know that someday we will be reunited but that someday is so far in the future.  I really need my hug right about now.  I feel the depression hit me like a tidal wave, it’s knocking me off of my feet and I feel like I am in emotional quicksand, slowly sinking and there is no way up, no one is coming to help me, despite the fact I am screaming for help. 

I feel so alone.  I am so afraid of how things are going to turn out.  The future is so uncertain and life for me has been shaken and turned upside down and inside out.  Unless you have been through this yourself, you truly have no idea.  Not that I want anyone to experience this but it really hurts.  It’s something there is no pill or cure for.  You just have to get used to it.  I suppose sort of like losing a limb.  It feels and you think it is the end of the world but in reality it’s not.  The world keeps on going… with or without you. 

My guy used to say to me there is nothing more lonely than an old queer.  He used to be afraid of me leaving him.  God knows there are times when I wanted to but I told him I would never leave him and I didn’t.  I just want my rock back.  Hitting it off with a new person would be a deflection.  I think maybe I am trying to run away from my feelings but they seem to keep following me.  I want to be happy, I want this to be over with so that I can close this chapter of my life and start a new. 

Yes, I know I’ve already started a new but I am on my own – that in it’s self is scary.  Considering the only people that I have leaned on are gone.  Speaking of my grandparents and my hubby.  Now it’s me, myself and I.  If I get into trouble there is no one to bail me out.  The wise person I knew that I used to get solid advice from is gone.  I feel like I am going insane from all of the changes and life speeding up and slowing down.  It’s like I jumped on board the crazy train and I can’t make it stop.

Speaking of stopping, yes I am going to stop.  It’s starting to get late and I have been tired most of the afternoon.  My allergies are driving me crazy.  I think I have an infected tooth and well I am ready to try to get my sleep on.  So a little browsing on the net, working up the courage to send an e-mail to my old boss and maybe check on the dating site.  Then it’s time for bed. 

BTW, I did cancel my membership last night.  They offered me two additional weeks for free if I stayed but I said nope, cancel.  If I find someone before next month when it ends, great.  If not, well I tried and can move on. 

Y’all have a nice weekend.  I will talk with you peeps later.  Looking forward to being lazy tomorrow.  :)

1 comment:

Jude said...

I know the lonliness you are experiencing right now, and I wish I could make it all better. Yes it does get much better with time, but at this point in time it's still something you're having to get through. Hang in there my friend... (((((hugs))))))