Feeling all BLUE. Boss man came in and dumped another project in my lap, something that I honestly don’t feel I am responsible for but what am I going to do. Seeing the mountain of work and it seems no way to the end when things are calm, cool and collective. I need a break might be a permanent break, might be a temporary one but I just need one. By break I mean time away.
Came home had the supper I planned on, it was okay. Then I started cleaning out the fridge and it hit me. Not only did I not have the pie I wanted for desert but lots of things we bought together I had to throw away. Old champagne from I think New Years 2 years ago. I did the unthinkable and actually drank some, it was awful. I poured it out along with some old salad dressing.
That just help me realize even more that he is gone. I started thinking I wonder what the cats think. Why they are stuck with only one daddy now. If they even remember the other one or think about him.
I got an envelope in the mail addressed to him, it was a newspaper clipping and it was signed with the first initial of his cousin in Vegas (you know the one that is no longer talking to me). At first I thought she sent it but then I took a closer look and realized it was junk mail for a hearing aid company. That followed by cleaning the fridge and thinking of the pressures of the job just made me melt.
I was all horned up and ready to watch some porn but the spark is gone. Right now all I can think about is death. I’m wondering how much longer I will make it. Taking the chickens way out is starting to sound appealing. Damn cats, I wish they weren’t here they are the only thing stopping me. If it wasn’t for what would happen to them I would checkout for good. The joy of my life is gone and all I feel is pain and sorrow. I just want to be happy again and to get on with life.
By getting on with life I mean having all of the legal and financial matters settled, getting a new job that doesn’t require frequent travel, something occasional would be okay and finding someone to call mine. Make new memories and just enjoy life, which is what a 41 year old man is supposed to do. Instead I am mourning and hurting.
Ah tomorrow will be here soon enough and maybe the sun will shine again for me. Right now I am getting away from the computer, heading to the TV and going to try to relax the night away.
1 comment:
It's very normal for the most unexpected things to just "hit" you when you're grieving. Cleaning out the fridge and finding things that you bought together, that's going to do it.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through and you've been doing it. Time.... (((((hugs)))))
Post a Comment