Another day, another dollar as the saying goes. We made it to Thursday. This time next week I will be off from work. That is something I do look forward to.
No word yet on the cats I inquired about. I am expecting someone to reach out over the weekend if not before. While I won’t wait forever, I will give the place sometime. If for whatever reason I don’t hear anything I can always inquire about the two that my friend sent me yesterday. The difference between the 2 is the ones I inquired about are young (18 months old) and Tuxedo cats and the ones my friend sent me are adults (2 or 3 years old) and not Tuxedo cats. They remind me of a cat that my mom had when I was growing up.
I do question if I did the right thing and if it’s too soon but kind of like I said yesterday if it’s meant to be it will all come together and happen. I like the benefit of living totally alone in that I can do what I want when I want and not have to worry about anyone or anything else. I can move about freely without having to watch for a cat, but since it’s a habit to always look I still find myself looking when I have food in my hands and trying to make my way to the table.
Last night was a difficult night thinking about other cats, seeing Gator’s stuff that I still have yet to move and finally removing her as my phones wallpaper. The wallpaper thing was a huge event for me. I got tired of seeing her face each time I got a notification it was just a reminder of what I don’t have. I’m not mad at her but I miss her so much and I can’t erase her from my memory nor do I want to. I just need to get her out of constant daily sight to hopefully aid with recovering from the loss.
You know I had this strange belief back when Marv was around. I made him my wallpaper and as long as I didn’t change it, I convinced myself he would live forever. Once he passed, I changed my wallpaper to Gator with the same thought process. I didn’t know if I could actually change the wallpaper again and to what. Lord knows I’ve got plenty of cute guy photos on my phone and I used to back in the day change my wallpaper to a different guy each week or two, but I grew tired of that and always having to try to hide my phone so that others didn’t see my wallpaper (especially at work) so I switched to the cats. It was safe and gave me a comfort feeling. Plus, it was an easy way to show them off when I was speaking about one of them.
The thing that I struggle with is that I kind of feel stuck with Gator’s loss in that it’s taking such a long time to bounce back. I was making great progress and then this week hit and it was like it happened all over again. 18 years is a very long time and from what I found on the internet in human years she was 88. Thinking of an elderly lady declining in health kind of puts it into somewhat of a perspective for me. I still can’t help but think if I had a human with me, I would probably do much better. This is by far the longest that I have gone in grieving the loss of an animal, normally it’s a few days. A human being is something different and I guess Gator in my mind was part animal and part human so perhaps that is the reasoning why it’s taking a bit longer plus the fact that she was the last link to the life that I used to have. As I told someone back when I was happy and didn’t know it.
I struggled with sleeping last night, despite taking an extra dose of medicine. I had a nightmare which I knew was going to happen. Woke up at 4a and stayed awake until 5a watching YouTube videos. I was so happy to get back to sleep. When anything mentally is bothering me or any trouble with a person or my job it always causes me to suffer a lack of sleep. It’s been that way since I was a young adult and has stayed with me ever since. I’d like nothing more than to get a good night’s sleep each and every night regardless of what is going on in my life. Sleep does so much good for the body and the mind, it’s essential. Napping doesn’t help things and often makes the problem last longer than it needs to. Hopefully, this will all work its way out of my system sooner rather than later.
I’ve got an appointment to go back to the crazy therapist on Saturday. I had thought about cancelling it but given how I have felt this week I am going to see her and unless there is a reason this will be my last appointment. I won’t be announcing that to her because well I have no idea what is on the road ahead. I’ve got 3 weeks after I see her to make an appointment if I don’t then our relationship is automatically terminated. Since I am not exactly happy with her or the rules around her practice, I am going to try like hell to not have to go back. I’ve got 3 more visits at no charge. I can look for a therapist on my own and go through my insurance, as long as they are pre-approved, I get a large number of visits and again there is no cost to me. My only expense is gas and my time.
Things are still pretty chill on the work front. I think people are using this week to try to close out what was left over from last month and perhaps make plans for the coming year. I will take chill for the rest of the week and then see what happens for the short few days I am around next week. Next week for me will be pretty busy on a personal note. I’ve got to see the dentist, doctor, getting a massage and a haircut. Thinking of adding on my next COVID booster but I am on the fence about that. Plus, I will be on-call at work. I plan for someone to cover me for the short time I am away on Tuesday during the day and then all-day Thursday and Friday daytime I will pick up in the evening and through the weekend, since the following Monday is a holiday and the last one until May. I know things will be ramping up soon and then it will be back to the normal CHAOS but I sure do enjoy the break and for that matter any break I can get from it.
Hopefully things all fall into place for me as they should, the grieving lessens and life continues with better and brighter days ahead and certainly better luck. Perhaps this will be the year the black cloud that has been looming over me finally leaves, at least I hope so.
Take care, be well and stay warm.
No comments:
Post a Comment