Hello again! Last night I took a combo of sleeping pills designed to knock me out cold. I had some very strange dreams but the medicine worked. My sugar dropped in the middle of the night and I woke up to snack on one of my favorite things Oreos. I could easily eat a sleeve of those things. Had a nice large glass of milk with my snack and then wound-up watching TV for about an hour, I think. Back to bed around 6a. I woke up around 8a. I had such good plans and intentions for today, sadly none of them came to fruition.
I had some breakfast and then afterwards parked in front of the tv and watched Bullet Train. It was a 2 something hour long movie and it really drew me in. Very much a great film if you like action movies. I was actually going to pay to watch it in a theater but when I saw it came to Netflix it was on my list of movies to watch.
After the movie I was drowsy so I went back to bed. I set an alarm for 1p and off to sleepy land I went. I woke up before the alarm went off but it was close enough to 1p. I shaved and got a shower. Then got dressed and came downstairs. Started doing some laundry, then porn surfing and I found a site that had archives of gay porn. It was interesting and I got lost there for a bit.
To be clear when I first woke up and had breakfast, things were okay. After my nap things weren’t quite the same. The depression, loneliness and the wall of grief just smacked me upside the head. Silence was my enemy and staying here wasn’t an option. I got in the car and ventured off. Stopped and chatted with a friend, the plan was to stay for a short time and move on. When I started talking, I felt like I wanted to start crying again but that never manifested. I was able to articulate quite well how I was feeling, which was depressed and lonely. I felt a bit better; I started talking about the bonded brother & sister pair of cats that I looked at on Saturday. I really want them but I’m afraid of a couple things. First, that someone else will get them instead of me. Second, that it just won’t be a good fit and that it’s too soon. Everyone tells me I will know when it’s time but I kind of think that I won’t. I’d like the distraction that I think they would provide but I think it’s too soon that I would be thinking they are replacements and well no one can ever replace the family that I’ve lost. That was quite a special bond and unique relationship I had with each of them. I still can’t believe that they are all gone and how much time we had together, no wonder this hurts like crazy. However, 2 hours easily went by and when I left, I had decided to head out for a bite to eat. I had to stop at home first to use the bathroom. Then back on the road by now it’s 5p and the day is pretty well shot.
I made it to the place I wanted to go and had exactly what I wanted, Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. I started with a bowl of vegetable soup which was delicious and quite tasty on a screwy weather day. It was 60 but then it started raining and cooling off a bit. Fog is building so the morning commute will be a bit of a challenge, I am sure.
I stopped to gas up the car, it didn’t take much but I like to keep a full tank because you never know what kind of situation you might run into. It’s the better safe than sorry mentality.
I honestly don’t want to go back to work. My phone has been getting work email all day long off and on. There will be plenty of crap to take care of when I get back. It will help focus my attention on something else. I really feel the absence of Gator in the mornings, especially when I am working because, well everything kind of revolved around her. Like tonight when I came back home, I thought for a second boy I will sure be glad to see her and then it hit me again, she’s not here. I really thought I was making progress but now that the holidays are over, I am feeling my grief spring back up and I just want it to go away.
As if it’s not bad enough loosing my little girl, the house got sprayed by skunks again overnight. When I opened my bedroom door, I could smell it. I wish that unpleasant odors in my house would vanish and never return.
I’ve not been on social media and kind of want to resume more of a normal schedule since I will be actually going into the office tomorrow. Next week I don’t have any plans to be in because I am taking Thursday & Friday off and of course as luck would have it, I am on-call. The week after that I should be back to normal. One more long holiday weekend and then were done with holiday breaks until May, which will be here before you know it but right now it seems a long way off.
I’m going to check on booking a massage after I publish this and then get away from the computer because I will be returning to it tomorrow morning. I hope that life gets to be easier and I hope that I know when it’s going to be right to get a couple of cats. I am pretty set on getting 2, I much prefer a bonded pair rather than 2 strangers that don’t know each other. Perhaps the cats will come first and the boyfriend will follow, not exactly sure but I am beyond ready for things to get better! I still have thoughts of checking out but I keep telling myself I have no idea what is lying in wait for me around the corner, keep pushing one more day. Eventually if things don’t change that little pick me up thought won’t be enough to keep me going for the long haul.
Send some good vibes, luck, energy, thoughts and prayers my way I sure could use all of the help I can muster up. Take care and I will talk with you all again really soon. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.
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