Last night I was made aware of the passing of one of my former childhood neighbors. He was old not that it makes it easier and it sounds like from the way the obituary reads he was in declining health. The man had a large family and well there is strength in numbers. I desperately would love to go to the funeral but it’s a quick deal happening early next week. Visitation and Funeral both happen on the same day. This guys wife was the Nosie Rosie of our neighborhood and she knew everything about everyone. In fact she wanted my phone number when my mom passed and a former neighbor had it but refused to give it out because she didn’t want to put me through an interrogation after just loosing my mom. The lady has balls she will ask any question in the world regardless if it’s appropriate or not.
To answer the big question she figured out I was gay and I never had to say a word about it. We all grew up Roman Catholic and well homosexuality isn’t accepted. Therefore, I wasn’t in the best light. I was also the kid that was never going to amount to anything and well boy did I prove everyone wrong there.
All in all they were good neighbors and they took care of my family. It kind of feels like one of my own family members passed. I feel so bad it’s like I can’t seem to escape death, it’s all around me. I wish that it would leave me alone for a while, I’m kind of over it.
The family didn’t want flowers but I sent something anyway, that will catch them all off guard but I know in the end they will appreciate it. It’s not nearly enough because they took really good care of us when I lost my Mom, Grandmother and Grandfather. I did what I could though and it’s the best I can do and really that’s all anyone could ask. I am going to avoid the funeral service simply because I know that I would fall apart and I also don’t want to subject myself to an interrogation. It would be nice to catch up with all of them but honestly I think somethings are better off left unsaid. I expressed my sorrow and condolences, that’s really the only message I want to send. I don’t want to get off in the weeds with my life or my sexuality.
My initial thought was to tell my brother when I found out but I quickly talked myself out of that. He would probably say something like oh well or thanks for letting me know and that would be the end of it. He’s more self centered and focused on him and little family than anyone or anything else. I hate that but not much I can do about it. So, I didn’t say a word to him if he knows, he knows and if he doesn’t well then too bad.
I just got word on the cats I inquired about, they were adopted last week. I really wish they would update their website. I filled out an application for the two that my friend sent me a photo of. They were on my radar but I haven’t actually seen them in person. I will probably be making a trip this weekend to check on them. Again if it’s meant to be it will happen. I had another friend send me a link to kittens that are for sale in the area. That would probably be a better route to go because there wouldn’t be any rigmarole (that word sounds like an Italian Pasta Dish) with background checks, home visits and all of that jazz. However, kittens aren’t fixed, chipped and vaccinated so there would be a greater responsibility. If I get shot down on these next 2 then I will probably give up for now. Part of me hopes I get approved but the bigger part of me kind of hopes that I can enjoy some additional alone time. I do feel as if I am moving too fast but it’s like I am not in control of myself when it comes to this. Hopefully, what ever the best outcome is here it happens.
I had another night where I woke up at 4a and didn’t go back to sleep until a bit after 5a. Of course when it was time to get up at 7a I was so not in the mood but despite sleeping in a little bit. I still managed to have my morning routine done and was in front of the computer and logged on by 7:30a like I do every morning. I got a couple of routine tasks out of the way. Then shifted to ordering flowers and posting condolences. I got lost in looking at all of the photos the family included on-line with the obituary. You can just see via the photos how loved he was and what a rich & full life he lead.
I got back to work for a bit. There is more waiting for me it’s like an unending buffet, but only instead of food it’s work. I guess that is a good thing. I need to get the word out about my schedule for next week. That will cause some stress for others but honestly I do not care. Work at the moment is the last thing on my mind. I’d kind of like a sabbatical and do some serious travel but that would eat into my savings. I am sure I could easily persuade my doctor to legally get me out of work but the bigger part of me says stick with it and keep plugging along. I am just tired of the bullshit and regardless if I take a break or not, the bullshit will be there as long as the players stay the same, in fact even if the players change there would still be bullshit but it would be a new kind. It’s a case of better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
Guess I will get back to the so called fun. I am looking forward to hopefully sleeping in tomorrow. There are only a couple things on the agenda. Going to see the crazy therapist lady, getting the mail and grabbing a bite to eat. Then I think I am going to just loaf. I’d like to get some cleaning done. However, I am concerned when I have nothing to do that is when the grief will sneak up on me and hit me again. It’s just something I have to go through and deal with regardless if I like it or not. Last night didn’t start off easy, taking out the trash brought back memories and then I started looking into the photo and video archive I have of all of the kids, we sure did have some fun and made a lot of good memories but that’s all I have left now and you can’t cuddle with a memory.
Hope you all have a great weekend! Take care.
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