12 April 2017

Depression

As we approach Easter I am finding myself getting depressed.  I waffle between being okay and being depressed.  It was shortly after Easter 2013 that my Partner passed away.  I think that has a lot to do with it. 

I have also found myself in a battle with a couple of attorneys.  These are people I hired to represent me and they want to play games.  I have to have a cooling off period before I respond.  I have engaged friends that are also attorneys to help me with my response.  If I was going to send what I drafted I would print it on red paper because it’s red hot.  See that’s the problem when you fuck with a red head, you feel their temper.  We can all be angry but there is something extra special about it when your a ginger. 

One of these attorneys ruined my day yesterday and as a result I found myself making a bunch of mistakes.  Thankfully only one of them was critical, it was caught a spotlight was shined on it and then it was quickly swept under the rug.  Still I felt bad because I knew better.  My focus was on getting out of work and going home, plus dealing with the dating sites.  I heard my little voice when I was home sitting on the couch but I ignored it, which has always proven to be a bad sign.  You’d think I would learn but I was simply too exhausted and chose not to deal with it. 

Today I had a meeting with da boss and I opened up more to him about my family and the issues that I have encountered.  He was pretty surprised.  I was always told by others that he would over react and lose trust in me.  That doesn’t appear to be the case, in fact it appears to have brought us a little closer together.  We both concurred that I need some sunlight and me time.  Going for a drive to get out of the area will probably be very therapeutic.  I am looking forward to Friday. 

My friends that I celebrate the holidays with, reached out and invited me over for Easter.  I declined because I didn’t want to deal with them.  I appreciate the offer, but right now with the mood I am in, I think that being around them might do more harm than good.  I could be wrong but why risk it. 

So this is a free form for me to vent, that and documenting my day are how I use this site.  This is just me trying to blow off some steam and hopefully feel better.  I’ve been suicidal over the past few days.  I am smart enough to know not to do it.  Once again the only thing that is saving me is the cats.  No one on this earth, no matter how good they might be can take as good of care of my babies as me.  So they win and I get to stick around and hope that I can find some happiness in this drab world.  See what I mean about needing sunlight. 

Thankfully the work week is done for me, but I am on-call through the night.  Then again starting on Saturday morning.  So I get to press pause for a couple days and hopefully recharge.  Tomorrow the highlight of my day will be visiting the doctor.  I don’t plan on mentioning any of this to him.  However, if these feelings don’t flee from me and my mood change soon, I will reach out to him for help.  It really sucks to be depressed and it can run your whole life. 

I think I am down because not only the time of year but the fact that I am once again facing problem after problem.  Funny thing is I am on anti-depressants and for the most part they do their job.  Right now it’s just super stressful and nothing would make me feel better than to literally not physically rip someone's head off.  It would help greatly if that someone was an attorney. 

I have to liven this up so I’ll tell you about the highlight of my day.  This morning I was chatting with a secretary and telling her all about my momma’s blood results.  I mentioned Kidney disease and she said oh is she on dialysis?  I said no and if we get anywhere close to that I’ll dig a hole and bury her.  Then her eyes got as big as a half dollar and this look of extreme concern washed over her face.  She said this is your mother your talking about.  I said yes, my momma cat.  She thought I was talking about my mom.  That is the best thing that happened to me all day long.  Outside of a co-worker bringing me a coconut cake.  Wish it would have been a pie. 

In the dating world, I have paid access for 1 month for 3 different apps/sites.  I put in my profile that I want a guy who is local to my area.  Some bozo reach out to me, we started a conversation and next thing you know he is telling me he is in London.  Bye Felicia.  I ain’t got time for that.  I chatted up an attorney last night, I was running the conversation and finally paused and waited to see what he would have to say.  He said nothing.  I jumped off the site and when I got back on today, I blocked him.  If you can’t carry a conversation I don’t care what you do for a living, were not going to be a match.  I am a communicator, sometimes too much and sometimes too little but I still communicate.  I have found that I am coming on too strong with trying to be different.  If I stick with the usual Hi how are you?  that seems to lure them in to chat more.  Not that I have had any stimulating conversations.  My hope is that over the 3 sites I will be able to find someone within a month.  I’ve already cancelled the subscriptions so they don’t auto-renew.  After that I’ll just go back to being a free member but I kind of hope I can delete them all because I have no reason to be on them.  I know my Romeo is out there but finding him is growing old quickly.  Today I see myself alone for the rest of my life, tomorrow I could have a potential suitor. 

Well I am checking on a couple things and then headed to bed.  Momma is already looking at me funny, like hey stupid it’s time to get away from that box you like to stare at and get to bed.  I’ve told them I am off but it doesn’t register.  It will sink in tomorrow when I am home and just about the time I leave for the doctor they will all suddenly realize, oh dad’s home let’s hit him up for lunch before he scurries away, you never know when he will be coming back, we could be here starving for hours.  I’ll feed them, they will eat and then promptly fall asleep like they normally do when I am not here.  I see them on the camera, best ever animal thing I have ever purchased outside of prescription food. 

There you have it 1/2 of my week.  Let’s hope the other 1/2 goes better.  I’ll be back with an update if you will come back to see how I am doing.  Take care!

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